Tag: Worry

Episode 360 ~Why Worry? Write Will~

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Last week I asked what I was I thinking, but at this point, that word should be synonymous what am I “worrying” about, movie tickets, Pinterest boards, my arsenal and more. Why Worry? Write Will.

Wednesday, June 26, 2019

Episode 360 ~Why Worry? Write Will~

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am A Millionaire right now, so I haven’t bothered worrying about Nevada in a while. No negative vibes there but I have plenty to go around. I’m worried I might have wasted my life being day 360 and all. Without a doubt, I know I’m a writer because I made these stories up in a day.

I thought I lost my pocket knife today. Now I won’t tell you where but it would be serious trouble. There I was feeling around in my pocket and no blade. Could it be in a chair, the parking lot, my car, the house? Would I be on camera; my fingerprints are all over it, Inspector Echo. It turns out; it was under a paper towel here at the house. Now, why would I go all crazy over a pocket knife? Is it because I’m me or what everybody thinks about me by now? Head, shoulders, knees, and toes, becomes phone, wallet, keys, and knife? Life comes down to the smallest things, last week that was B III. I still hate the vet for thinking I would harm my son. Hell, whenever I leave the house, I pray for Triple B’s safety, but there is so much more to see.

109 Sections and counting; that’s around 327 Words? I’ve seen trouble for more and less Inspector Echo. I’m at the Day Job thinking that at any second the cops are going to burst in and congratulations will be in order. Now isn’t that another way to look at being booked? I’ve said some sexist, stupid, downright SKEEVY things about women. I’m not President Trump though or any other Republican. Only as the song goes “if you got the inclination, I have got the crime.” More often than not, the end of the world has come with a button press. At least I have seen that every so often but I’m still here. Worry, Regret, Fear, I gotta enemies, gotta lot of enemies to keep up the quotes. The truth is though I will always be the worse for sure Echo.

What about my fucked up free tickets (LANGUAGE)? Yes, it’s my fault, and now I have to deal with Office Depot sending my order to the wrong store. I apologize for my lack of positive energy. Killing myself slowly with worries while I ask once more, Why Worry? Write Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 108 ~Meet The Complacent Will~

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I’m okay, no more and no less, I survive one more day, and I think… yeah right, on to the next one and soon it doesn’t hurt so much, dare I say there is a little less fear after a while? Meet The Complacent Will

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

Episode 108 ~Meet The Complacent Will~

Forgive Me Echo,
How To Make One Million Dollars, don’t go to therapy; you think my job pays me enough for health insurance? Stay awake maybe, well look at me today, and eat healthy, again look at where I work. The thing is I still work there, so does Dumb and Dumber and as far as Dumbest, I could be way off the mark, but I haven’t seen him since last week, could I possibly be so lucky… highly doubtful, PCH hasn’t shown up with my big check as such.

That’s my first sin, but even you ask though you are way smarter than Rudy Giuliani. Can hope be a sin, I said yesterday I pray for my dog though I don’t believe in any deity. Every day I plan for the best, and I woke up in my drool, and I wanted to see a black man fall. My second sin is that this makes me as normal as anybody else, I remember when America learned Osama Bin Laden got put down and there was such celebration. Sure he was a killer but are we not better? I know a young woman who took a bullet and another woman who is a dear friend who got robbed, and neither has seen their assailants brought to justice, this world can be better. This leads me to my third sin, it’s people that make this world what it is, and another coworker asked me about my job and if I go through so much crap, hell like my boss, why don’t I leave, and that’s the magic word for today Inspector Echo, COMPLACENCY, I am complacent.

My fourth sin is that I’m willing to accept it, all last week and now this week it’s been; please let me keep my job, no fear Inspector, as I have said the fight does not bother me it’s what I’ll have to do. That’s five, the fact that I have returned to my normal state which is no damn good, wake up, go to work, come back and pass out, then talk to you or any of the girls about making a million dollars all so I can speak with actual girls. Even in that, I have become quite complacent maybe I’m that damn greedy, or perhaps I’m a pervert but if I counted that as a sin every single week I’m screwed right…

So what’s my plan for tomorrow, I could be wrong of course about the situation, and that means, the sixth sin for today. I am going to worry tonight, and the man I want to be should focus on making the world, well my world a better place; I want to be like Dennis Hof may he rest in peace. Will you forgive me Inspector Echo for wishing to see another person fall (nevermind). I apologize for being, well human. For accepting this life in its ways, for not “trying” harder, and for another night of worry. Hell for those five minutes I remembered someone else that threatened to ruin me, but I Ain’t Happy but Meet The Complacent Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 034 ~Getting Behind The Will~

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Last week it was getting out of bed, and this week it was getting behind the wheel, and there is no time for baby steps, I’ve run like a madman for most of my life, and I would take an “ACME” rocket despite the consequences. “Getting Behind The Will”

Saturday, August 4, 2018

Episode 034 ~Getting Behind The Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
Give Me One Reason to not turn around other than my past, because to quote another song; my future is coming on, and as fast as I might run I am in no hurry to go and catch it. You know how all these motivational studies of mine talk about purpose and why, like learning how to drive I just wanted to go faster, I need to escape, if anything I want to know a place where I will never be afraid.

The thing is Lady Luna there is no such place and not to sound like Trump or anything but as long as there’s air, no wonder the man wants to destroy the planet, my aunt said I wanted the same thing, but I saw no profit in it. There are days when I think that people can be okay and days when I believe a psychopath, a plague or purge is what the doctor ordered like yesterday, Master Yoda is right. Between being in line at Starbucks, driving, and Walmart, the one thing that was constant was the fear and rage threatening to swallow me.

“Behind every fear is a person you want to be. Fear is self-imposed, meaning it doesn’t exist. You create it. You can destroy it too. You face your fears and become the person you want to be. You run from your fears; you’re not living.” Greg Plitt 1977 – 2015

What a monster I must be not to want to go forward and face myself and what a coward I am for not wanting to turn around, but this isn’t a conversation for us, “I just want to know why” as the song goes. I could go on forever and a day about fear and my rage, again driving my car or getting to the library late, anxiety and Z Nation, what was that I said about a plague? All I know was yesterday I was in my car, listening to my affirmations and somebody started honking at me and first came fear, then “GTA Motherf*****” in less than a minute and change.

I’m not selfish enough, you heard me right, my life is spent learning about everything in this world so I might survive it and I don’t know anything about the survivor, the Man In The Mirror, the man behind the wheel, or before the keyboard. There are so many mirrors in a car, and I only need to avoid one, the vanity, the rest are showing me what to evade, I drive to the library to see who I might be, the day-job to know who I hate, just saying.

You know what they have in common, they keep me from being stuck but aren’t I always, what hurts more the mirror, the reflection in my dog’s eyes knowing he feels such love (wishful thinking) I hear that man say come and Find Me. That man might Hurt Somebody, yes I know “The Darkest Minds” which was perhaps the highlight of my week, maybe one day taking a Drive won’t be an escape until then Lu, Getting Behind The Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 027 ~Tell Me Your Will~

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Heads up, it’s danger ahead, or I’m fighting back my anxiety, and before all of that I need to get out of bed, and people always said that I had a big head, because I’m so full of ideas and I have to breathe right? Tell Me Your Will

Saturday, July 28, 2018

Episode 027 ~Tell Me Your Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
Give Me One Reason to stay here, and I’ll find sixty or more reasons to get up, honestly, where has Spotify been All My Life… well at least something is getting up in the morning more often than not. I don’t remember the last time the rest of me got up and wasn’t tired, tipsy, or terrified but I had a bit of a revelation thanks to a motivational speech by Will Smith, and he said something to the tune of, the higher up you are, the harder it is to breathe.

Now for me it starts with getting out of bed, lifting my head up is hard enough, one foot in front of the other, and God help me when I have to go outside, that first breath feels like it just won’t come and more often than not I don’t want it honestly. While I’m thinking about God that’s just the thing, people downright demand those that are poor help those at the top, and at the top, if you must give, then it is God’s will but the higher you are, the fewer people above you. What about when it comes to women, confidence right, that starts with lifting your head up, keeping your chin and honestly Lady Lu it hurts, it physically hurts because I haven’t done it in such a long time.

“I’m sick of taking care of everything, paying bills, making peace and plans and keeping my chin up. God, I am so sick of my chin being up.” Angel 04×02

So yesterday I was sick of listening to people, saying I should stand shoulder to shoulder my head held high. Authors are telling me I should keep my head in their books, having to turn side to side, out of this constant fear. No more looking up to people; okay I know I look up to Will Smith, and I won’t be giving up the motivational speeches anytime soon but no more looking down on people either or letting fear take hold of me. If I am to die it will be because I’m at the top of the mountain almost out of breath than staying down here getting dizzy for want of my survival.

That sounded a bit more hopeful than I was thinking today and wasn’t it yesterday I was talking about people are always chatting no matter what but if you climb the mountain the ones I hate won’t be heard and the others, well who knows but it would be nice to see. It all starts with me and the man in the mirror that I need to face, I need to tell him what I want because nobody else is going to give it to me. “Indiana Gone” looked up and now she’s getting married so congratulations to her, but as for me and “Mr. I Don’t Feel Like It,” *sigh* Tell Me Your Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 020 ~To Defeat The Huns~

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People face many things throughout their day, but the worst one for me is people, and today I’ll have to do just that or not since I’ll have to check bathrooms and fitting rooms and it’s my business to make money. “To Defeat The Huns.”

Saturday, July 21, 2018

Episode 020 ~To Defeat The Huns~

Hey Lady Lu,

Give Me One Reason to face the Huns, and no mine name’s not Mulan, though I could certainly use her courage, training, and luck; how I ask Luck Be A Lady tonight or at least for six hours. I can’t say I’ve been one for gambling, horse racing maybe but I trust those animals more than a majority of HUMANITY, and I can give you one big reason for that Lady Lu.

… but the truth is that I dislike most men as much as I dislike women. If anything, I am an equal opportunity misanthropist.”
― Andrew Davidson, The Gargoyle (2008)

HUMILIATION Lady Lu is arguably my greatest fear, the foundation of my anxiety and you can’t call it irrational if it comes to pass as it did the last time I was assigned to “CLEAN” and I know it sounds STUPID. No it all comes down to looking so stupid, and you know how such a concept sets me off, believing, being, and saying; may God show mercy on the soul that calls me such or makes me feel it. Too bad I don’t believe in God right because I’m my own worst enemy *sigh* people have an imaginary friend they worry about but I can’t stand thinking or knowing how everyone looks at me.

HUNGER is one big motivation to face the humiliation, my dog has to eat, and if I split my paycheck by three (bills, blog, belly) last week, I made a whole five bucks and then the fact that I’m in the library nearly every day writing “trying to make something of myself. HULKING out because I lack discipline, or I’m so afraid as Yoda says, and when’s the last time I let my anger get the best of me, strange that I was ready to go off on somebody and now they’re nowhere around me. HURTING myself on the daily in one form because of everything but at least I’ve stopped popping myself with a rubber band as I was doing it so much I would more than likely decapitate my hand from my wrist.

HUMOR has not been a strong suit of mine, though being laughed at brings a HURRAH from everybody else; yes I know this is about me and I can’t help the fact that even now I want to call into work and HUSH for the rest of the day. Anything Lady Lu beats the idea of humiliation, and I’m in for a world of that and what will I do, so let’s get down to business To Defeat The Huns.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 013 ~Too Soon Brave Captain~

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Library closed earlier today, but that didn’t stop me, find a way, despite need doggies and girls that need a stern talking to which with my little speech and sad to say the MeToo movement; anyway I didn’t fail today… much. Too Soo Brave Captain

Saturday, July 14, 2018

Episode 013 ~Too Soon Brave Captain~

Hey Lady Lu,
Give Me One Reason to believe it’s possible, already the doubts are creeping in, but I am close, by the end of our conversation here counting my novel, there will be over two-thousand words that leaves three-thousand to go, and I’ve been doing so well. I don’t want you to be proud of me Lady Luna because then I will feel like I can rest. Considering I practiced “success in progress” sounds so much better than failure, I should get this done, find a way, start doing.

So I do not sound off with victory at the moment, there is so much to do and you know this week is going to start a significant slowdown, and it all starts with fear, what would I do if I wasn’t afraid. Truth be told I have practiced my speech for work a few times but you know how it is when you stand up to bullies, that’s pretty much how life has is these days, my high school lifestyle on repeat, beautiful girls giving me grief and hiding in the library. As those motivational speeches keep saying: has that become my new “Detroit Become Human” any way they say you have to find the answer to WHY so why don’t you tell me why I would have to say this, to some girl:

“Look my name is Will, not Willie, William, or Willy-Kins just Will, if anyone calls me Willie it better be because my dog has learned to speak English or you’re my girl and while you’re cute, you ain’t that cute. Like touching me, if you ain’t my dog, my girl or applying for the position don’t touch me, and you might need to drink “a nice tall glass of shut the fuck up.”
― Will

That would be me “burning the boats” because my novel should be my Plan A and if you want to be successful you can’t have an exit strategy, do or die and it’s sad don’t you think that if I walk out of here without having known success, whatever will I do at the house? There is a reason that I come here to work every single day; because I know that the writing will get done and I will make it despite everything and as far as the day job is concerned… as Randy Marsh would say isn’t this America; Too Soon Brave Captain.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 006 ~My Number’s Up, Again~

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I got lucky once, but I won’t dodge a bullet the second time and how I tend to count on so much or more like the times I’ve seen disappointment to be sure but I’m far from zero to be sure. My Number’s Up, Again

Saturday, July 7, 2018

Episode 006 ~My Number’s Up, Again~

Hey Lady Lu,
Give Me One Reason not to die though I feel that way regularly, not precisely suicidal; there was a time though I got a speeding ticket and I had no money and figured I only had three weeks to live; life or death how it always is with my father just saying.

Fifteen Hundred words, it took me so much time last night because of all the pretty girls, but I’m still hanging in there, “No Fap” and all, Day 119 and counting but today aren’t I suppose to do five thousand words? Am I giving up, am I making excuses, and I going to say that I won’t do it, I could go back to sleep of course and there it is, I could, between talking to you, writing that review on The First Purge, etc. Talk about being at a loss for speech because there is nothing I can say, keep writing and then asking myself what for, would I find myself published the week after next maybe a millionaire?

Forty-Six dollars is forty-six dollars, and already that’s gone, I figure I’ll go to the bank anyway because I have to find some way to keep the blog afloat and remember when I started it only took around eighty bucks. It’s also not helping that I’m thinking of some retail therapy, not to sound like a sexist but if sex is such a taboo subject, I can see why women are always buying stuff… coping.

Twelve hours, six-hour shifts, two days, I dodged one bullet when it came to working in shoes, but I won’t get so lucky this time, cleaning, what did I say yesterday about being illiterate because I don’t understand what I’m doing. What about the concept of “I’ll think about it” translating to my dumbass boss as “he’ll do it” dammit Lady Luna clearly like my father. If I were doing any writing you would think I’d write more black men as villains instead of somewhat anti-heroes, remember who the real enemy is, here I am a black man, and I can’t stand MOST black people.

“… but the truth is that I dislike most men as much as I dislike women. If anything, I am an equal opportunity misanthropist.”
― Andrew Davidson, The Gargoyle (2008)

Now none of these numbers will honestly kill me, well at least I shouldn’t feel that way but you know “Anxiety” but that sounds like an excuse, and I have a million of them. Now yes I was doomed on day one (but it’s only July) *sigh* I’ve got to use my imagination to show why My Number’s Up… Again.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 364 ~How To Stop Writing~

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Talk about a question I should never ask if I’m going to make a future not just for me, myself and I but also my son as well because home is where the heart is, and he could use a rest, but there is so much work to do to now. How To Stop Writing

Saturday, June 30, 2018

Lesson 364 ~How To Stop Writing~

Hey Lady Lu,
Can You Love Me Again, did you ever stop after my long hiatus, why even call it that, didn’t I quit… strange that I don’t have an excuse for that when I have them for everything else but the stuff I don’t want to do, how many days do I miss the day job. Yesterday I figured I’d get something real done and I did begin writing my story “Apocalypse Rush” working title of course not that I’ll ever finish with editing.

I find that I have that same empty feeling as I usually do at The Closing Of The Year that promise of I’ll do better, and it never comes; if I am grateful for anything today, it’s that my “father” isn’t arriving by which I mean more time to worry next week. How about the fact that I have to cut the yard tomorrow, I have to make it dog-friendly but hasn’t my whole plan been to find us a home, I mean a real place not owned by others built by my success *sigh*. I keep coming back to this speech I heard that when you want success (wisdom) as badly as you want air, that’s when you’ll be successful, and that’s the problem.

Am I going to use suicide as an excuse, I’m not that dramatic today but how else do you stop writing because the clock shouldn’t serve as an excuse, my wants, and desires, hell the needs that I’m skimping on anyway. I can talk day and night about fear but that shouldn’t be it either, I gave in yesterday talking to GoDaddy about my blog and as Mr. Dink put it “Very Expensive.” How about the concept that I’m writing so I’ll have time for other things but for now shouldn’t everything be about writing anything other than more excuses?

Writing is more a conversation for Lady Sophia I take it, but what started all this was a BITCH, and you would think that would be enough, I don’t want to say fear or anger because that is giving her too much credit. Is that the answer, forgiveness, future, forgetfulness probably some other F words to be sure or maybe there is no end, I wouldn’t want to go all Fahrenheit 451, but I do want to play Detroit: Become Human so answer “you don’t” question How To Stop Writing.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 208 ~Ahead Of The Game~

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When everything you say is wrong all you have to do is find a girl for answers, although to be honest I’m not that coherent during, and if I am, then it’s time to find a new girl… no filter right? Ahead Of The Game.

Thursday, January 25, 2018

Lesson 208 ~Ahead Of The Game~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore because some things render me speechless, e.g., blowjobs and even that I have an opinion about, yes I’m a hypocrite, this is true. First because last week I talked about getting loud, second the cock wants what it wants, and thirdly somebody put something in his mouth my zipper’s stuck, still thinking about that bastard from a few days ago; worried?

“Somebody put something in his mouth. My zipper’s stuck.” Martin Lawrence

Strange that I think about getting head when the last thing I want to do is reminisce, or in this case thinking with the little head instead of the big one… two birds one stone. What I mean is a release of one will lead to peace for the other, it’s hard to do anything in such a state, drive a car, hate your fellow man, or worry about anything at all. So while I’m trying not to indulge someone I despise, what about what I like in a girl, that would be a better use of my time right?

As the song goes, give me a head with hair, long beautiful hair, seriously I had a massive thing for Amandla Stenberg in “Everything, Everything” and then I saw her with a shaved head and dammit did that not negate everything else. Am I that shallow, I could be as bad as Ted Mosby that’s mad because a girl doesn’t pick up the check, or Blake who thinks he’s so disgusting that Erin can’t stand to look at him. Perhaps Catherine trying to imagine someone attractive in “Cruel Intentions 2”, that might have sucked. I’m not as depraved as to think about glory holes and paying for it… well, hopefully, I’m still gainfully employed now.

So where was I, long hair, I have a thing for brunettes, and a girl looking at me while she’s in the act, it honestly takes me to another place, the sound of silence or at least no words, more than words as another song goes. My favorite has to be that Katniss Everdeen braids style from The Hunger Games, ponytails, pigtails, but then we’re going into cosplay, and other fetishes and again my big head is much too dense, and my little head will be much too full dealing.

Is the lesson today that people should learn to shut their mouths in one way or another or that people naturally suck or are masters so Ahead Of The Game?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 133 ~A Little Bit Taller~

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Living my life is one tall order, so everything I seem to do always feels like a reach, a stretch and even then everything looks so much bigger and farther out. A Little Bit Taller and then maybe I can see what awaits me

Saturday, November 11, 2017

Lesson 133 ~A Little Bit Taller~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear but no quit either, or so I’m hoping to finish strong but don’t my words always fall short and I mean that literally. Not yesterday though, it’s always something when I actually finish five thousand words and why not today?

What’s the difference between fear and worry, I don’t fear to go to work, hate it, loathe it, despise it, the list goes on but at the end of the day I’m going to go anyway. When I think about it I can’t even remember what goes on, not like when we were talking every day but that’s not why I wish I were taller. As if I need to see any more of that place as is, but as for my other pursuit, my writing the only thing that truly matters is my word count thus the hours I’ve been logging these few days.

So what are my reasons for wanting to be taller… a question that has plagued men since the beginning of time “does size matter” maybe I just want to look down on people, at least physically as everybody looks down on me regardless. Maybe I wouldn’t be so worried about everything from the neck down if my brain was farther away… you, of course, know the small head seems to take precedence over the big one, sad but true. It could be that I just hate talking to people, again that’s my anxiety talking maybe but it’s as if a bunch of gnats or something is constantly buzzing over my ears and to smack them…

Considering my personal beliefs I’ve been talking about God a lot in my novel and if anything perhaps I just wish I could hear him better if he is even up there. How about I’m dreaming of escape, I’m in need of a wish, I want to know I’m growing instead of shrinking, like from the general manager a day or so ago, which sucked.

Who is it that decided that some must be brought low so that others may rain on high, I’m more for when “The Police” sang about your servant is your master, but thank goodness Braxton doesn’t have any fingers. So what have we learned today, that whatever you reach for needs to matter or maybe I’m just trying to see the future, so to be just A Little Bit Taller?

I Will Have No Fear