Month: July 2017

Reputed Undisputed

WillLeave a comment

Back when I was finding myself or am I still trying and I pretty much hated Hardee’s at the time which is a long story, or a short one since I only worked there one day, anxiety can be Hell. Reputed Undisputed, as if anyone could see the real me

Am I still STANDING?
Never landing
Forgotten how to fly
Wonder why
Forever damned
I don’t understand
“Too stupid”
You said it

The CHARACTER I play
Who am I today?
A fool a coward
Scream it louder
And laugh hardy
Hardee’s
Because day one
Who I was

The VIEWS that are expressed here
I’ve been hearing for years
Anyone
And everyone
For once the world agrees
I’d fall to my knees
If God’s opinion
Wasn’t like his minions

By all ESTIMATIONS
I am mistaken
A mistake
That no one should make
Not a failure but a fail
Doomed to Hell
From what
No buts

A first IMPRESSION
I’m elected
The worst
Your curse
Not worth
My birth
And I can’t make a second one
So I don’t

And so my reputation
The thoughts of a nation
My life today, my repute
Why fight it; it is the truth

Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 011 ~That’s Not a Compliment~

WillLeave a comment

If you told me I was a good person I would be waiting for the but what, and if you insulted me, figures, something backhanded though truly irks me. That’s Not a Compliment, not that I get many at all and why should I believe you at all

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Lesson 011 ~That’s Not a Compliment~

Hey Lu,
It’s not a compliment that the first time I thought of you in years was when I was having a crisis, for that I’m sorry but I promise this isn’t going to be one of my most apologetic lessons. I suppose it’s not a compliment to be so down all of the time either and expect you to pick up the pieces and yet here we are together.

What about it’s not a compliment to be named the quietest one in school, what was that the sixth grade maybe? It’s not a compliment to be thought of as so stupid that your parents actually wanted to pay somebody off to take your take home final exam now, is it? The same goes for cheating another final exam to pass a grade, hell I was smart enough to do it but I wouldn’t have had a chance in Hell otherwise and that’s a fact.

Lady Lu it’s not a compliment to have so many enemies that you get called into the office by three of them, saying you’re upset because they’re better at sports… back when my word was good and for the record, everybody was better than me at sports. Well not running and that takes me back to say that it’s not a compliment to be called a fast runner because you spend most of your days running from whoever wants to kick your ass that week. On that note that was until I was voted most likely to snap, now while other people’s fear is sort of a turn on and it was my own fault it’s still not complimentary really.

Neither is it to be the guy that all your classmates try to pick off for a class project because you were thought to be some sort of a smarty-pants. How about when the teacher would call me professor or the time I burst into tears in French class and suddenly my teacher wants to intervene and call it a job well done that day.

Now I know you’re probably wondering what brought all this on and first Luna I would have to say that the more things change the more they stay the same. Secondly, I’m trying to find the line you know, I went all “Cousin Skeevy” yes I know the day is coming where I won’t remember that incident, though to be honest I actually might have an idea about that maybe.

Okay maybe some people are trying to be nice but being called dependable and responsible just so people can use *cough* work *cough* is not a good thing. Being placated by my employer or being expected to call my olds something breaks down because I’m too stupid to do anything about it myself. What about when people say you do something well just trying to be nice but don’t I know better, so many conspiracies.

What about what line not to cross, I have yet to read an erotic novel where the guy wasn’t so hardcore criminal, mafia somebody, or billionaire, okay I read the darker ones but those guys can get away with saying anything. Speaking of which is my “Cousin Skeevy” idea, the best ideas come in the shower and I was thinking about completely revamping my blog, I swear getting angry and the spirit of competition with oh what’s her face. Anyway, Cousin Skeevy will be the pages for my well, skeevy writing… strange I want to be read and at the same time not being read is making me somewhat bold.

Did I mention being called skeevy is not a compliment of course but considering what I want to call some girls in the bedroom; excuse me for getting into “ExCoGi”. Isn’t that another thing, it’s not a compliment to know who you are and not like the person you are, think I said that before.

Personally when you have a face like mine and a myriad of illnesses, Social Anxiety, Bipolar Depression and the like anything you say is liable to come off as an insult and not a sweet sentiment. Don’t get me wrong I never wanted to be one of those guys “catcalling” as it were, anxiety sucks but the internet can be a pretty bad place right?

Besides the whole incident let’s see, I said something about a friend’s… assets and she immediately erased the comment, still “friends” with her but haven’t heard anything from her since. There was another woman, I was truly generous with but of course, let’s be honest Luna, I have a thing for brunettes and I know exactly what I was trying. The worse was probably this MILF I met outside the store once, she was having a hard time and needed some cash so I gave her five bucks, now I would have given her more but why do you suppose that is, what would I have wanted from her then?

Before the “incident” let’s just say I was looking up interracial parking lot “stories” though after such and such happened I’ve been on hiatus. So what about that song “How Do You Talk to an Angel” first rule, don’t be me, yet another thing that has me ticked off, I’ve been avoiding most of my friends because anything I say or do is likely to come off as, say it with me Luna “skeevy” and I already told you I’m trying to find that line. Oh, I found it before, it’s not a compliment to be the guy all the other guys come to, asking me to write poetry so they can get girls and I don’t have one myself.

So what have I learned today… maybe they were right giving me that quietest award because that was the same year I met Angela and what happened there? If anything the lesson is I can’t take a compliment or it’s better to be insulted because coming from most people I know That’s Not a Compliment.

Checkered Past

WillLeave a comment

Life shouldn’t be a game but who am I to make that call, if anything life should be more than mine, more than black and white, unless we were talking about women but I’m not anymore at least. Checkered Past, so my life was and still is

Jumped and thumped
Bumped and dumped
Across this board called life
Why must I fight

A game I don’t want to play
Anyway
But here I am today

With dreams to be king
Isn’t that the thing
A dream to win
I do but sin

And am made false
At such cost
Waiting for that final loss

Checked again and again
Where do I begin
To leave such a predicament
Confidence?

When I am surrounded
Astounded
Yet bounded

To head to the other side
Try and survive
This board
A want to be more

Than a drama queen
A king
I want to be…

Oh checkmate
I am far too late
Because of what is true
And what I was made into

That’s my ass
At last
My future is my Checkered Past

Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 010 ~With A Little Help from My Friends~

WillLeave a comment

If you can’t be loved be liked if not be respected, if not be invisible and barring all other alternatives you can always be feared. With A Little Help from My Friends, maybe it won’t ever come to that, though a fear of losing me

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Lesson 010 ~With A Little Help from My Friends~

Hey Lu,
I get by with a little help from my friends… not that I’m trying to follow pop culture this week but I fell asleep watching EWW Planet of the Apes, so naturally I have to get it out. To begin properly when I talk about friends I would scoff and say “what friends” but yeah I have a few actually.

“Introduce you to my friends I got to see if you notice
If they loyal or if they all got an ulterior motive” Take A Walk With Me, Joe Budden

I find that people that often claim, loyalty, honesty, integrity, patriotism, often have no clue what those words mean and the same goes with a friend. Don’t get me wrong I’m no better than anybody else, especially when it comes to ulterior motive… I swear one day Luna I’m going to get through a day without remembering the incident but yeah I did have a motive or just high hopes. I knew nothing was going to come of it but I can dream can’t I but I don’t find I dream about friends too often and family is more often than not a nightmare but let’s start with how I will define “friend” for real.

“I need your help. I can’t tell you what it is, you can never ask me about it later, and we’re gonna hurt some people.

…Whose car are we gonna’ take?” – The Town (2010)

This right here is the epitome of the “bro code” and I’m sorry to say with the exception of Braxton, I don’t really have any bros in the physical sense, though I will count a guy here or there on Facebook. If anything I would look at Facebook as sort of a 3/5 Compromise, don’t ask me Lady Lu I suck at math and probably humor as well which explains my lack of friendship. Also, I hate asking for help, I don’t ask for help from anybody, even people I don’t consider friends, other employees and the like, part of that is Anxiety and OCD the other is if you want something done right, do it yourself, that’s just me.

“I have always depended on the kindness of strangers” – A Streetcar Named Desire (1947)

It’s just something about depending on people for anything *ahem* family but again I don’t count them as friends, I mean if they cut me off I might be back living in one of those extended stay death traps. On the other hand, they wouldn’t care if I went on another bout of sleeping pills or painkillers either so love… I would settle for anybody saying that they liked me.
He gets high with a little help from his friends, don’t I wish Luna, I don’t get inebriated around friends, well okay with Braxton and that just shows the type of dog parent I am and never more than a glass of wine or a beer, in dire circumstances really.

Okay what about the meds I take, those make me a better friend, maybe a more talkative one, I always get I’m such a good listener. On top of that, you don’t really want to be the guy that always wants to punch someone in the mouth, at least I can pretend and if I honestly don’t want to punch somebody that puts such and such on my higher esteem level just so you know. Now I have wanted to do plenty of other things to friends but then I wouldn’t necessarily call those people friends either, maybe I’m greedy.

“Friends don’t try to undress friends.” Notice

Take Sebastian and Danielle in Cruel Intentions 2, it is my firm belief that men and women can’t really be friends if there is any “chemistry” you know the kind between them, so what do you call me having so many female friends, damn Lady Lu I made my imaginary therapist a girl to what, give me the incentive to write. I have a solid friend here or there but even my “father” told me even if I don’t feel chemistry what about her… it kind of sucks.

Now since I don’t get, stoned, hammered, wasted, whatever with friends, how do I get high with friends; honestly I left happy years ago but a friend that makes me smile, is sort of a high. Some get me higher than others to be completely honest, some make me stop what I’m doing immediately to respond, others I’ll wait a bit, others hell are days away but they all do something for me. Maybe I should start comparing friends to my drug of choice and that would make Braxton a constant adrenaline rush which explains why when he sleeps, I’m right there catching up but I have another friend that would give him a run for his money, she knows.

Truthfully though when it comes to friends, well people, in general, I put them on what I call the Blackjack scale, what’s wrong with that I like Blackjack plenty.

I’m gonna try with a little help from my friends to like myself more and isn’t that what it always comes back to, that I don’t like myself. Yeah, I was reminded of that, me being skeevy and I guess through her eyes I just realized.

“The truth is, I can’t handle the idea of her not liking me. I can’t handle the idea of ANYBODY not liking me.” Melvin Smiley

Okay so the Blackjack scale, 21 is my absolute love, like, loyalty, what have you, for all intents and purposes I would die for you, and my being okay is linked with your happiness which pretty much means my dog. Lower numbers mean a lower esteem and there is not a person alive that has a 21 in my eyes hell when I get married, my wife and Braxton are technically going to be my Topanga and Shawn. If you asked me where I rank on my own scale… well, let’s just say there are reasons I don’t look in the mirror, and that’s some major anxiety don’t you think.

“How great is this? My favorite person*dog* in the world. And my wife.” Cory Matthews – Girl Meets World (2014)

The question remains, when did I stop liking myself and my answer is when nobody else liked me and that right there is a problem I know and a few people are trying to a degree. There’s a guy at work who asks me from time to time about my writing but I don’t see friendship there; nothing wrong with the guy but I see a conspiracy and my job is not above that because I’ve been a part of one here and there. Being friends though immediately correlates with being a boss which explains why I haven’t been promoted, they told me this; I’m plenty dominant, downright sadistic in other areas of my life but again, she called me skeevy, get over it right?

“And when all those people believe in you,
Deep enough and strong enough believe in you,
Hard enough and long enough it stands to reason you,
Yourself will start to see what everybody sees in you.
And maybe even you, can believe in you, too.”
Snoopy the Musical: If Just One Person Believes in You

So what’s the answer Lu, should I focus on myself, stronger meds because even this is a bad batch or work is just that bad; anyway start with me and if nobody likes me in the end at least I got Braxton. Maybe I should be the friend that everybody thinks I should be perhaps because it’s not like the guy I am now is winning hearts and minds who knows truly but with a little help from my friends…

“Under a tyranny, most friends are a liability. One quarter of them turn “reasonable” and become your enemies, one quarter are afraid to speak, and one quarter are killed and you die with them. But the blessed final quarter keep you alive.” – Sinclair Lewi

Tail, Tale, Tell

WillLeave a comment

People don’t follow the heroes, they come to you, same as the villains, and I’m done following pretty girls of all different hair varieties and a pox on 99% of politicians. Tail, Tale, Tell, maybe, I’m still thinking about my anxiety maybe.

If it wasn’t Peter, playboy, potion
to the tune of number nine or Mambo No. 5
a cape in the sun
or that slow march towards oblivion
which is everywhere or chasing some tail
Wherever men choose to wallow
and fields must be kept fallow

for years under the notion
that in or to survive
They must run
jump or swim the Stygian
Like a hero in some fairytale
you expect for me to swallow
asking why can’t I be Apollo

riding in slow motion.
I’m going to see if I’m really alive
because you won’t be the one
So don’t be forgiving then
Even if there is no one to tell
The words may sound hollow
but never again will I follow

Who?

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 009 ~Man, Kind~

WillLeave a comment

Man oh man, or maybe boy oh boy, at least one of those applies to me, so as always there is a silver lining, then again considering my love life… Man, Kind is not what that’s about, that would be more girls, girls, girls but the keyword is “ANXIETY”.

Monday, July 10, 2017

Lesson 009 ~Man, Kind~

Hey Lu,
I came to a realization today, well it’s not something I didn’t already know, not something that doesn’t come with an asterisk, hell I might change my mind about saying it considering how this goes. Now if you’ll allow me to get my Bill on… Kill Bill let me say first off there was this wrestler back in the day because I rarely watch wrestling now known as Mick Foley or his in-ring persona Mankind.

“Clark Kent is how Superman views us. And what are the characteristics of Clark Kent. He’s weak… he’s unsure of himself… he’s a coward. Clark Kent is Superman’s critique on the whole human race.” Bill

If you asked me Lady Lu to describe a man I wouldn’t know where to begin, I’d have an easier time describing you but how “skeevy” of me so I will not indulge. Now what about this wrestler I remember, Mankind, he was crazy, damn near suicidal, but always left with “Have A Nice Day”. The thing is, this man was larger than life, an icon and sure it was all for entertainment purposes but how did he do it, first with the mask and then he didn’t need it.

“Don’t try to be a great man. Just be a man, and let history make its own judgments.” Zefram Cochrane

Luna this is what I’m trying, honestly, now you know the dreams I have and the things I want to do in my life but if I could just, make it through the day like any normal individual… So if I can’t be a man, what am I, no not going in that direction, what I mean is that I’m not growing up and that’s what I was thinking about last night. If I told you everything I haven’t done, things that I absolutely refuse to do, I would call myself a bad man indeed.

Now I mean that in two different ways the first being, my anger, every day it’s the same thing, things I’m mad about today, didn’t finish editing my latest chapter in my novel, my neighbor’s dog went missing, and of course work tomorrow, hoping for indifference. On the other side of the coin is the things any man is supposed to be able to do, you could call me a spoiled upper-middle-class rich kid, or how about all the writing I have been doing lately?

A man wouldn’t let some stupid words from a person faze him, go on about my day and continue business per usual, a symptom of my anxiety though. Now this isn’t the realization I had but I’m starting to think of my anxiety as a true illness, of course, it’s an illness but I was thinking more physical for once.

“How? How can I do what is needed, when all I feel is… hate.” – The Mask of Zorro (1998)

So I hide behind a mask and it’s like every day which one will it be, currently I’m letting my medication decide that for me because I was truly getting sick of making the effort. For a while, it has been all my anger, what’s wrong with hate, just like love, or freedom there are wrong ways to go about it, which is why for the most part I focus on myself. Fear is the other, and as much as I want to say there is something missing chemical, some earth shattering moment, an ideology that I could embrace, to put it simply there is some little boy that a long time ago was told nothing but to shut up.

“How can you move faster than possible, fight longer than possible without the most powerful impulse of the spirit: the fear of death.” Blind Prisoner – The Dark Knight Rises

That’s why it feels so herculean even to get out of bed because I feel like a little boy being constantly forced to move through this universe when he was told, that’s not for you, you’ll never be ready and the like. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t fear death for my sake, there is a little four-legged ball of fluff that depends on me and that’s why I do the things I do. Only the anxiety is never going anywhere, you know I got the sneaking suspicion that I wasn’t physically growing because my body knew I couldn’t afford to have that happen.

I grow, I need money, I work which means more people, I leave my crappy job, my anxiety, more fear, more panic, new job more anxiety, it just goes on and on just like that. It could be something as dumb as seeing a weed in the yard so having to cut the whole thing and then screwing that up so hiding in the house.

Here Luna, in writing I don’t feel that need to hide, that anxiety, or so I thought and then the thing happened and I’ve been writing and I’m sure one day I will be more honest I hope. Anxiety makes me the monster of my own nightmares, I don’t know if that was deep or not but it sounded that way in my head really?

Anxiety will never make me that man, you know the man I have always dreamed of being, the man that I probably already should be. Anxiety is a regressive disease, taking me all the way back to the moment I was… I don’t know what but kids are brave, resilient and I only know fear.

Anxiety will never make me her man, now I could go so far “BDSM’ is as much as you’ll get from me today but I’m talking about the regular Joe, the man that can look after a woman and a family. Stupid thought I had last night was the idea of you know who talking about her stupid, crazy ex-husband and I was thinking I could never be like that, no I’m so much worse.

Anxiety will never make me just a man at all, and that’s who I’m mad at most of all and then again why can’t mankind be, you know, kind? I told a friend the other day that if there is anything mankind excels at, it’s the service of death, is it any wonder that life is such a difficult concept.

So what about my realization, you might already be able to guess but to spell it out… I’m no kind of man, at least not the kind anybody wants around. I’m sorry this came out plenty whinier than I intended but that’s what kids do right whine so what do men do, Man, kind, not.

“Don’t do that. Don’t make the mistake of calling what’s inside me worry. Good men worry. Men like me take care of the problem.”
― Kit Rocha, Beyond Temptation (2014)

Looking Dim

WillLeave a comment

A month or so before a bad day, I know bad days are coming and I didn’t really want to say it back then or now; let’s just say it was like graduating high school, had nothing to do with me. Looking Dim, because the future wasn’t all that bright.

Aging in the black
Yet the light grows brighter
For life, I have no knack
My heart grew no lighter
The deck is stacked

So blow them out
So many candles
No name now
My vandals

A moment eyes closed
But their lips are wide
Think I don’t know
Teeth, fangs, and knives
I hope they choke

So knock them out
Feast of flesh
Smacking so loud
Why aren’t I dead yet

The dark sky
Shows all its victims
And who am I
But a cell in the system
No goodbye

So don’t look up
Can’t help but feel envy
I was never enough
Abomination, God murder me

Would you take my picture?
Make me famous
These vultures much richer
How I hope it’s painless
Suicide’s the pitcher

So don’t be in pictures
But the world will know
Maybe an itchy trigger finger
On with the show

Smoke and fire
Beats breathing
This light my desire
I should be leaving
Still, I won’t be admired

So don’t die
Rage, rage
Against the dying of the light
That you made

As you closed your eyes
The Abomination
Yet you wonder why
I chose such a sin
Finally in the light
That’s looking dim

Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lessons 008 ~Tail, Tale, Tell~

WillLeave a comment

It’s not a lie but it isn’t the whole truth, I wouldn’t want to put it in fiction but sometimes I really wish it was just that. Tail, Tale, Tell, should I put my heart under some floorboards

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Lessons 008 ~Tail, Tale, Tell~

Lu,
I hate that I keep repeating myself, my apologies but from a former lesson, hat is the difference between a patriot and a terrorist, a hero and a villain… the winning side of course. For some reason, I just imagine Superman with some goofy smile on his face but then you got Batman, who is as much of a hero but doesn’t smile that often.

What about the measure of a man or a woman; I’ve brought up my face often but I can be as shallow as anybody else. Now I think of myself as a certain type of guy (Ned Flanders Blackout Continues) anyway I think of myself as one way but I saw someone in the store today and the back made me curious about the front. It made me wonder what people must see when they are looking at my back, really is the view any better or worse, damn eye doctors and their catchy jargon.

How about the way guys say “getting some tail” is that too skeevy; to be honest I have never used that lexicon myself. Doesn’t that say something about the thing that leads humanity, primal nature and all that, we are always looking for something to follow isn’t that right? I don’t think that’s any better than not looking back, forward is just somebody else and behind is just whoever I was or somebody in a worse shape, but trying maybe.

“But that’s why there’s us – champions. Doesn’t matter where we come from, what we’ve done or suffered, or even if we make a difference. We live as though the world is as it should be, to show it what it can be. You’re not a part of that yet. I hope you will be.” Angel S401 “Deep Down” (2002)

No truer words Luna, this is why we raise people to such heights, indeed this is why there was such an intuition as “courtly love” but does that not fly in the face of everything I was taught? In another way, the question remains, what happens when that uniform off in the distance, isn’t that of the hero but of the villain, and we follow.

If I heard it right all the fairy tales of yesteryear were actually horror stories, so why were they changed, erased, new stories replaced them, a form of newspeak? We just can’t help it, it’s one of the reasons I can’t help but look back, in a way I don’t like who I am becoming and as they say, you can’t know where you’re going until you know where you’ve been, rock meet hard place.

Like some little kid, there are the fairy tales I get lost in every night before bed, not that you can call, “Saints Row”, “GTA” and “The Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time” fairytales mind you. At least these stories can be rewritten and there is no real damage, becoming someone else over and over is the luxury. The honest to God stories of my past make me I feel as though I’m Winston Smith and with that being said nobody will remember the truth of him either or that he ever existed at all.

Yes, back to the incident, I can easily say that while I had ulterior motives I really was innocent and didn’t mean any harm when it came to her. It can be said that I was skeevy and inappropriate and way out of line and that guy I haven’t really been trying to escape from finally caught up with me in the end. I can also say my anger is justified and that if I was anybody else from another place, time, or story this would in itself be a whole other story I know.

“Truth is singular. Its “versions” are mistruths.” Cloud Atlas (2012)

Only by piecing together the story of a past can I even begin to start and write the present and dream of what may become the story of my future. This is one of the reasons I turned to you Lady Lu, all those years ago and I turn to you now, and while I don’t lie I edit things.

Isn’t that the right of the storyteller though, I mean this isn’t Fox News or anything, facts are important here but my truth, will not be hers, yours, or anybody else’s that happens to read these words *crickets chirping*. The teller must put a part of themselves in the telling and that part is what is most important to them will define the story as well as themselves… why does this remind me of “Gabrielle” from Xena Warrior Princess, classic?

At this point Luna I might as well be doing this for me but that’s the thing, I have no clue what I’m doing and when I finally realize who knows if I will want to, what be 100% honest like the good ole days, weave lust like a paintbrush and the like? I don’t think their ready yet, how could anybody be ready for what’s to come, I didn’t get to work on my novel today, but it’s coming along. When that day comes though… see I can’t even imagine it yet, just another chapter that has not been written but it will be.

For now, other than you and somebody else there is no one to tell, strangely enough, it has been my past pains that have earned me the most acclaim as of late. Today these words just came to me and they flow, though I don’t know if this is a lake or a cesspool and we both remember the disgust in those days. I think that is what this is all about, the need to be honest and you can’t do that looking at someone’s back not knowing, but such and such brunette has my guts all twisted up, sometimes you’re better off having them turn their back on you.

One day Luna I want to be the dad that tells his children stories but of course, they won’t be my own, but I will give them heroes or at least intelligent villains. Until I’m feeling up to it, no tail to chase, plenty of tales to explore and no one to tell them too, not yet Tail, Tale, Tell.

Troubling Twenty to Tango

WillLeave a comment

I was pretty angry at a beautiful person at first and I was about to you some pretty foul language at the start “BUT” then I thought a bit better of it, not the underlying problem though. Troubling Twenty to Tango… they say it takes twenty seconds ha

And I will see you in twenty
If I were only that eager
Why don’t I figure it out in guts
or any number of buts
which grow ever so meager
It’s only not funny
as I’ve been pegged
one ain’t too proud to beg

Now I ask for what
Because it’s never enough
Yet they call me the seeker
Maybe I’m ugly
tripping over my own two legs
like I just finished a keg
okay two but you know something
you’re the disease, the virus, the fever

So what I’m not a believer
In you’ll see
Without pictures or Mpegs
Even if I throw up my eggs
My courage with overcome any
And all anxiety… eh I’m a dreamer
Sot guess what
You won’t ever tell me to shut up

Ever again

Copyright © 2017 Second Circle Creations, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 007 ~Am I Officially Knots~

WillLeave a comment

Now I think I know why it’s easier to just get rid of everything and start fresh because it’s complicated never seems to be a good enough answer. Am I Officially Knots… from the looks of it who would even try to untangle me?

Saturday, July 8, 2017

Lesson 007 ~Am I Officially Knots~

Hey Lu,
If I’m not there on a day to day basis I’m certainly on my way and that’s big talk for somebody with eleven followers don’t worry though you’re still safe. So you’re probably asking why we’re still talking if we’re not being overheard like that therapy session on “Finding Carter” I miss that.

“Work finally begins when the fear of doing nothing exceeds the fear of doing it badly” Alain de Botton, Outskirtspress.com

As good an excuse as any but I’ll always go for I’m as mad as Hell, and I am Lady Luna, I’m always angry and I need to keep it that way. I wish I had known about this sooner, if anything I probably did, we use the gifts God gives us or what pretty girls do. Don’t worry about that we’ll talk about that soon enough or not considering the gag order that I’ve given myself as of late.

“If you ever loved me, don’t rob me of my hate. It’s all I have.” The Count of Monte Cristo

I often wonder which is easier to hate or to love, when I first saw the dog that would become my Braxton, I loved him immediately and it has only grown stronger. When such and such hurt my feelings, no that was nowhere near, I liked and I can’t say I care enough to hate but now I’m just disgusted, now didn’t I say something about a gag order. I’d like to say I’m a man with guts but I don’t know whether or not to keep spilling them here, do I need to run to the bathroom or am I strong enough to untangle them right where they are?

Some things are easier said than done Luna, like staying awake to finish my story, that’s the effect that anger has on me. They will be a time to let it go but for now, it’s only been a week; how disappointed God must be with his creations sometimes.

Again not a holy man or anything of the sort, in fact, I might be as useless as Rick Johnson today, the book review I did because I doubt I’ll be getting any views or likes today. More like I’ll treat English as my second language because as I told a friend today, I’ll never forget a cute brunette but I am trying to desperately ween myself off of a few, some, most women, at least for a while.

Not to sound like one but my legs have been all sorts of twisted, might help if I get out of bed but then Braxton would just be out the door in a never ending cycle. You know that movie “40 Days and 40 Nights”, I’ve done that before and I’m approaching that record again. Seems like a stupid solution right, I get my feelings hurt and decide to take a vow of celibacy or to become a eunuch as if that fixes everything as if she cares at all about it.

Someone asked me to explain this course of action and in one way, a person as inclined as myself must exhibit self-control; I hate the idea of fake it till you make it but a man such as I won’t do such a thing because I can have a woman if I want one. Also on a biological level, it’s supposed to raise testosterone levels and make a man more daring and bolder, always being on the hunt except I’m here in bed. It also fuels my anger; I mean if I told you what I was doing before we started talking again but I was already holding out then.

I think we have established that I have guts, but let’s say I have another sign of courage as well though they haven’t been any sign of help in longer than a month. At this rate I’m bound to become even more twisted considering the state of the world and have we learned nothing, in the end, prohibition has failed.

Speaking of prohibition, I’ve been tongue-tied for quite some time, dare I say thirty-three years, I wish I knew the moment there was no going back. Now with writing, I can tell you the exact moment I was doing something but talking was just ugh.

We’ve been over my anxiety a bit but I truly feel that spoken or printed I would have ended up in the same place and no I’m not going to preach about life being unfair… today. The most courage perhaps I have ever shown was all the way back in high school when I asked a girl to prom and of course she already was going with someone else. My anxiety got my ass kicked by my father because I couldn’t talk to the tutors oh and did I mention with all the tutoring in the world I still ended up going to summer school.

“Slander is spoken. In print, it’s libel.” J. Jonah Jameson

With writing you can already see it, my fingers get drunk off their own idea of self-importance and I can’t lie about, who I really was, am, or could be. From the beginning when I was a little boy and I wrote a word on a piece of paper that just happened to be my own name and now that name might as well be “M. Night Shyamalan” though he’s making a comeback. My novel if anything shows how knotted up, how twisted, how tied up my fingers have been and they are not helping with my adult problem really.

For now, I am The Gordian Knot, which isn’t good at all, remember it was not untied but rather cut which was the rather simple solution, is that what I’m doing, I mean not cutting literally, never been one for that. As all addicts, the first step is to acknowledge the problem and that’s the lesson, I’m still trying to see the whole problem but honestly Am I Officially Knots?