Wright Height

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Clearing my head but men dream of many great things I believe, well one and all other thoughts just sort of circle around that during the day. “Wright Height”, I wanted to be a pilot once upon a time, I wished.

And who was the first man to believe?
Was it he who ran the numbers
or those who became art lovers
who painted forbidden fruit on the trees,
until it was so conceived?
Maybe the Wright brothers,
to the man that pilots the space shuttle.
that Autumn leaves

left much to be desired
The dreams of boys to men
Going where no one has ever been
How much higher,
cause no one told me about her,
making me wish I was a little bit taller…

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 044 ~Resilience~

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This is pretty much my status quo, rambling on about anything and nothing but at least I get to see myself do and read how crazy I was but I survive. Resilience, the word just seems to be my nature, taking everything and just holding on because.

Monday, August 14, 2017

Lesson 044 ~Resilience~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, you know the expression your body is a temple… yeah, mine is more a dystopian wasteland that I’ve just learned to navigate, and windows the windows are clean and aren’t broken. My eye exam went off without a hitch, no better, no worse, just about the same thankfully.

“You’re in love. Have a beer.

Oh, my body’s a temple.

Well, now it’s an amusement park.” – Hellboy II

About the same, in pretty much all circumstances that’s a win, hell in most parts of the world, maintaining the status quo is all that ever matters. I’ve told you that I can’t really afford better or to take such risk and yet I want Braxton to be better, but that’s what parents do with their children right. We want them to have it better than we ever did, though I’ll outlive Braxton, so it appears that way, considering species.

The thing is not so much that we are okay but that we “fake it till we make it” I’ve always hated that saying but we have to be okay because the world won’t have it any other way. Why does the world make us try so hard because we can’t bear to see another in pain… please, we see that all the time and yet I can’t stand to watch those sad commercials with animals. I even thrive on seeing how much we can take, I want to know how much a person can take and keep on wanting me, just on the fact that I do nothing and people don’t want me around.

“Now say it! You’re going to be okay. Say it! You’re going to be okay! Say the goddamn words. You’re going to be okay!

Oh, god!

Say the goddamn fucking words! Say it!

I’m okay, Larry

Correct! Correct.

I’m okay.” – from Reservoir Dogs (1992)

I told, “Indiana Gone” we are constantly saying we’re sorry but what else can we do, it’s up to the person to survive even if we intervene. We’re survivors Luna, at the end of the day we just keep going and I can only wonder what we would do if we were free of this.

Allowed to be crazy, allowed to crack, to fall to pieces, to give into the madness, the thought is rather appealing wouldn’t you say. I remember that reality show “Solitary” where one of the contestants said it was like living out what it would be like to live in an insane asylum for a time.

Anything you would do would be a result of your condition, out here I don’t talk and I’m considered crazy, in an institution, I’d still be crazy but more to the point it would be just plain normal. It is such a hassle to just hold it all together for as long as I have to, you wonder why I don’t know who I am, Lady Lu, I am just that damn good, I have to hide from everyone including myself. You know I thought I’ve been writing about a certain subject for a few days now but maybe I’m just trying to escape myself.

These walls are resilient though, too strong, too thick, this body may be a stick my mind is a fortress and as I said all that slips out is the occasional flood of tears or the miasma that normal clouds my mind. It’s the only way I survive, the only way I know how and I can see the writing on the wall and you know what it says, break here, find a way to smash through, however, I can. Now I’m not saying resilience is all bad, some things must remain standing if you stand for nothing you’ll fall for anything isn’t that right.

You just have to think that Atlas wants to put the world down from time to time and if I could give him a breather with all the heaviness in my mind and heart, so much the better. Let everything just come crumbling down and then just see what happens you know, what comes next.

I’m not the only my friend, now normally, you and I don’t discuss “politics” I’m more an embrace the madness, watch the world burn, as I said I only seek to maintain equilibrium for me and Braxton but the rest of the world is starting to crack or stand, I can’t really say right now. White Supremacists, Neo Nazis, KKK, and everything else, the world they thought of is normal is collapsing and now they are taking a stand, of course, I’m on the other side, such a world never benefited everybody else, so these, Supremacists should fall by the way side to be sure.

Hate though Luna is as resilient as anything, why I’m still writing whatever is proof of that, so how do you break it down? I actually looked up that movie “The Women of Brewster Place” yeah I know I’m awfully strange but I was remembering that last scene when they broke down the wall. Anyway do I become more resilient to keep surviving, less and crumble into a mess, I have no earthly idea.

If anything I have been trying to break down some, be more open, we have been talking about this forever but today was my first day out in about three, you know with people, I have to start back going out every day. Sad to say I have lost a bit of that drive, back to day one as it is and what about “The Day”, speaking of which did I almost forget about “M Anime” and getting her a present, and what about Indiana Gone telling me to name something I want. The world is just one big rock and we have to roll along, not that I mind so much in this instance today.

What did I learn today other than the fact I’ll get to watch the world keep burning and maybe I will see the moment when I finally become something more? You know maybe I don’t need to break the wall down, I just need to rise above it, yeah if I can build something with just as much Resilience.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 043 ~You Don’t Have “It” ~

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You’ll float to and here I was saying, I believe I can fly but that’s going to take more than a certain “It”, I’m going to need “It” in every form that I can think of and even more my friend. You Don’t Have “It” so maybe I should read something

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Lesson 043 ~You Don’t Have “It” ~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, maybe I do and maybe I don’t but we won’t know until I get serious about what I want to do with my life; forty-three days and I’m still standing or sitting as the case maybe. I’ve been saying that I was going to buy a cookbook but I guess eating isn’t all that important seeing as how I bought a book on blogging instead.

“You don’t have it,” – Laura, Staying Alive (1983)

It’s about that time of the year where I have to start thinking about all the stuff I got instead of the stuff I don’t, you remember years back where I was compared to now, I pay for my own Wi-Fi, a four legged son, a phone that has made me one of The Walking Dead etc. Not much movement on the publishing front, though I have a few believers and I have plans upon plans if I can ever get to them. I don’t have “It” though the motivation is building and if I can just get to actually learning, this craft of mine.

I mean to this day I still can’t tell you Lu, what made “Mime No More” so great and while I’ve stopped my Second Circle Creations “Cousin Skeevy” for a bit, my other works aren’t exactly best sellers either. Even today I had a nightmare about you know who and thought there may be consequences and repercussions but again, it’s not like she follows me anymore and I haven’t lost any mutual friends. Between you and me I think my poetry is actually getting better but it lacks that punch, that zing, and these days I’ve been trying to separate the people on Instagram that just want a follow for a follow from the people who are actually interested in whatever I choose to say.

Could be worse, you remember when I was getting requested from every hacker, scammer, dumbass, trying to play to my libido, hell I could have been a moderator… was it my change in writing style. Which leads me to today’s lesson, “It” how do I get It, what do I want with It, what will It change in my life.

“When are you going to this, B? Life for a Slayer is very simple — want…take…have.” Faith, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

I need plenty in this life Luna but that never stops the want, you simply make a choice, people think love is so complicated and trust me it can be but love in its simplest form is saying I choose you, three little words. For example, I could use more food… I’m not starving like “M Anime” thinks, I don’t need it but I could use it but I choose to spend forty bucks on Braxton why, because I want or need to, because I love him, because I choose him, to be happy and healthy, clean, safe, everything else.

Is Love “It” at one point I would have answered yes but considering my life “BB” before Braxton, it was more a want, my mom talks about unconditional love being one of the reasons I’m still alive she obviously doesn’t know how many times I almost died. I told you about “Project Alamo” if things got too bad I wouldn’t fail this dying thing again, I couldn’t afford to. I’m sorry this is getting a bit more depressing than I intended, the mind just wants what it wants doesn’t it, yeah explain my poetry again?

“The heart wants what the heart wants,” – Woody Allen

Not the greatest role model, neither is R. Kelly but let’s talk about what the body wants… if I let mine have its say I might still be in bed, great more depression, it’s a miracle I’m even at the dining room table. Don’t ask me how I know but there’s an app that actually keeps track of well… let’s just say Josh Harnett could have used it in “40 Days and 40 Nights” I’m on Day 19. What about the fact that I wouldn’t mind doing some actual physical damage, I still got a cut on my hand, I unloaded my airsoft gun so I could do some shooting, and I got one big ass knife to be sure.

Still sounding scary, is death “It”, Luna no I don’t want to die and to save you the suspense there is but one real “It” and that is POWER. There is nothing more than power, and that’s “It” okay and the Stephen King novel turned movie, I’m going to see.

“I’m not going there to die, I’m going there to find out if I’m really alive” Spike Spiegel, Cowboy Bebop

“Indiana Gone,” asked me the question of the century… I have no illusions of living to a hundred but blah-blah sucks too, anyway so she asked me, what do I want for my “Day”? I gave her the company line of impossible, immoral, or illegal, now of course if I had “It” this would be made moot, I could have anything, power my dear Lady Lu, with that there would be nothing else I wanted or needed in this world.

“Now I will tell you the answer to my question. It is this. The Party seeks power entirely for its own sake. We are not interested in the good of others; we are interested solely in power, pure power. What pure power means you will understand presently. We are different from the oligarchies of the past in that we know what we are doing. All the others, even those who resembled ourselves, were cowards and hypocrites. The German Nazis and the Russian Communists came very close to us in their methods, but they never had the courage to recognize their own motives. They pretended, perhaps they even believed, that they had seized power unwillingly and for a limited time, and that just around the corner there lay a paradise where human beings would be free and equal. We are not like that. We know that no one ever seizes power with the intention of relinquishing it. Power is not a means; it is an end. One does not establish a dictatorship in order to safeguard a revolution; one makes the revolution in order to establish the dictatorship. The object of persecution is persecution. The object of torture is torture. The object of power is power. Now you begin to understand me.”
― George Orwell, 1984

Luna I could only hope to be so wise in my life, knowledge is power but just one of many forms and in the end, I want it all, I said before satisfaction is the death of desire but in the same breath I wish to want for nothing, Doublethink I suppose. “It” is not just being loved but understood, as Winston Smith saw and can you really think of anyone that loves or understands me, I can think of some willing to try and even then I would have to lie to us both. Ask me what I would want if I truly held Aladdin’s lamp, even the genie gave him rules, no asking to kill, no raising, the dead, and no getting someone to fall in love period.

“What does one want when one is engaged in the sexual act? That everything around you gives you its utter attention, think only of you, care only for you…every man wants to be a tyrant when he fornicates.”
Marquis de Sade, Philosophy in the Boudoir

So what do I want… let’s go for two, two, and two, impossible, immoral, and illegal, let’s see: become friends with Ms. Seasons again, and write a best seller. As for immoral… certain women I want in my bed or just to be able to say whatever I pleased and for the world to hear it, know it, understand it, yeah I’m avoiding that one for some reason. Now illegal, one is just bad, and the other, wanting to kill someone, yeah I saw some of the Hostel series and you know my sick mind.

So what have we learned today, besides “It” is relative, when will I see it, who knows but I’m always hoping and I have to see the original movie before the remake, now don’t I? Today though, who knows if “It” will be a pretty face, a load of cash, some new followers, but when I have the power that I want, I will look upon those enemies and I’ll say You Don’t Have “It”.

I Will Have No Fear

Nut Up

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As Lenny Kravitz put it, I want to get away, I want to fly away, and if only I had the money, the sweet temptation, or the cojones just because it sounds better in Spanish? Nut Up, I am aware peanuts grow underground for those in the peanut gallery.

Here’s to growing up so nuts
that I believe I can fly
up, up and away like Superman
playing insane in the membrane
so I will not grieve

as autumn leaves,
flee the trees, and I ask, what
can’t you even say goodbye?
Still, I try and understand
even though it’s such a pain

that I take solace with Mary Jane
because who would want gravity
when all everybody asks is, what’s up?
The forbidden fruit, that’s a mile high
I might land,

fall, crash, will I ever be able to stand
another Pina Colada and being caught in the rain
or even the sun shining
hard enough, rich enough, am I tall enough
to talk to God in the sky.

What if he says why, why
with red eyes I planned
to dream, the impossible dream on this airplane
Well, I believe…
only the stewardess says but

sir, I’m all out of love

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 042 ~Lost in The Translation~

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The English language is weird, maybe all language is in general and nobody hears the same thing at least when it truly matters to them. Lost in The Translation or I’d probably be in even more trouble than the usual.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Lesson 042 ~Lost in The Translation~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, and no genius either but sometimes I feel damn near erudite when it comes to what others talk about. That being said, I’m still the caveman, well the cave dweller since I haven’t been out for a while and I can’t say I miss the grunting, I rather enjoy the silence that can’t last forever.

One of the managers said I need to speak up more, to be more like them, okay maybe not that second part but that would just be me pretending again. I must never forget that while I am trying to speak more, I won’t let myself become one of those people who just utters a pile of gibberish just to make myself heard. As I’ve said before I may not know who I am, but I know what I don’t want to be, yeah I refuse to speak idiot or just plain loud like them.

Then again do I sound like an idiot to you… I know some people think as such but with every comment that I receive, it’s probably the lack of punctuation that bothers me the least. How about my atrocious hand writing, here I go again Luna putting words in their mouths, the last comment I got was small and why didn’t I just take it as small, it’s the translation. Today’s lesson, another manager told me that perception is reality and I hate that because what does that say about me on any given day.

I told you before that silence is my native tongue and to others that must make me shy, meek, nobody and when they learn… I suppose we all learn but it starts with what they say vs. what we hear, the language of us right?

“HE DIDN’T FALL? INCONCEIVABLE.

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.” – The Princess Bride (1987)

This is how my day began, you see if you tell most girls that they were the first thing on your mind well… three examples, “Indiana Gone” would be thrilled, Luna you were second but you don’t care do you, and of course, you know who was first big surprise.

So I was thinking about stilts… hear me out Luna, I was thinking in terms of high heels but after a bit of research I found that stilts in my mind wouldn’t be the same as in everybody else’s. I think I ruined a pretty good poem today though I did it anyway, what was it I said, I enjoy the silence, how about that it doesn’t matter what anybody thinks of me. Yeah but Luna I can’t buy all my own books can I, it damn sure better matter what people think of me, maybe not understand but a suitable translation of my writing.

Speaking of translation may be PetSmart should work on that or I’m just an idiot thinking the left hand should know what the right hand is doing, seems stupid that Braxton goes to the doctor and will get groomed in the same place and it’s like apples and oranges. Maybe I’m right to be as nervous as I am, especially considering this will be the first time I leave him in someone’s hands who isn’t “family” then again my father…

How about my conversation with “M Anime” one I really need to write these nicknames down and two I doubt anyone but me is going to get that name at all. She can’t read me nowhere near as well as Indiana Gone, and “Gospel Girl” still thinks I’m a good person and haven’t heard from “Okay” in a day or so. “Ms. Seasons” understood in a way and even if I wanted to say that I was taken out of context, I’m not President Trump.

I don’t speak idiot, I speak movies and music, sexual innuendos, BDSM, a web of obscenity and my mom never told me this but if you can’t say anything nice…

“How many languages do you speak?

Five, actually.

Well, I speak one… One Zero One Zero Zero. With that, I could steal your money, your secrets, your sexual fantasies, your whole life. Any country, any place, any time I want. We multitask like you breathe. I couldn’t think as slow as you if I tried.” – from The Core (2003)

Say what you mean and mean what you say but that’s all relative isn’t it and it gets worse when you can’t understand at all, sometimes Braxton looks at me, he has food, water, been outside, doesn’t appear to be in pain and he cries and I just tell him “no”. We don’t want to understand more to the point we want to hear what we think we already know and some language is universal.

“I don’t want people dead, Agent Valentine. I don’t put a gun to anybody’s head and make them shoot. But shooting is better for business. But, I prefer people to fire my guns and miss. Just as long as they are firing. Can I go now?” Lord of War (2005)

Violence by far is the easiest, okay Luna I know you didn’t sign up for philosophy 101 *snickers* but it tells the speaker one thing, the listener another, the bystanders, and it is all lost in the roar. Pain and horror, there is not one word that can make it better, not without action, even understanding is lost to the moment. How about a kiss, all the words in the world but sex, a kiss, a hug, holding hands, that silence before and after, intimacy?

“Don’t speak
I know just what you’re saying
So please stop explaining
Don’t tell me cause it hurts
Don’t speak
I know what you’re thinking
I don’t need your reasons
Don’t tell me cause it hurts” – Don’t Speak, No Doubt

Even telling Braxton no, a lot I think I speak Braxton quite fluently but I have yet to meet the one person that can speak my language, I may think so and then they start talking but a few do try. How about speaking a woman’s language, why not try speaking French again, I sort of failed at both; I do not miss high school at all. Anyway didn’t we go over all of this before, with Gospel Girl I’ve been a gentlemen and even Indiana Gone likes me to be sweet sometimes but being honest, the truth hurts.

I’ve already admitted that silence scares me too sometimes, echoes in the past that warn me of my future, but anyway what have I learned today? Always look up words, another reason I don’t speak often, Wilt ‘The Stilt’ Chamberlain didn’t come to mind when I was writing and I’m lucky most of the things are Lost in The Translation.

Stilts Not Included

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I don’t think that word means what you think it means “stilts” but anyway the way some women are elevated, the way some men elevate themselves to be worthy sadly. Stilts Not Included… cause’s she so high above me, they all are, to be honest

When all that need be built
was not the wheel reinvented,
but gravity itself circumvented
something so unprecedented
like teaching a man to fly
Though once it was the biggest castle
a mountain’s hassle
there be dragons here, a battle
hands to hilts

Troy or Greece, or some ilk
we fought, we made the sun divine
Jesus enshrined, we signed
papers, take pills for more time
and don’t we all know why
Bone Thugs, that’s why I stay high
Can’t look her in the eye
So I wish on every star in the sky
just so the world can tilt

the trees wilt
autumn leaves
fall and I finally believe
what so many men strived to achieve?
Jokes on us *sigh*
That we have climbed and grown enough
knowing we must
fall, land, or ask what’s up
To the pretty girl, no escaping our guilt

Being Men

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 041 ~Poking, Prodding, Pampering, Pushing~

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Today’s episode of Easy Street is brought to you by the letter “P”, there are plenty of good words that start with P but what about pain or better the prevention of pain if you’re my dog. Poking, Prodding, Pampering, Pushing

 

Friday, August 11, 2017

Lesson 041 ~Poking, Prodding, Pampering, Pushing~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, I wish I could say no humiliation, no abandonment issues, no new taxes and the like but that would be wishful thinking wouldn’t it? Not the way most people look at a trip to the doctor or a visit to the groomers but Braxton and I will just have to suck it up, won’t we?

“If you’re not my dog, my girl, or looking to be, don’t touch me” Me

Something I have always wanted to say at work if I was ever pushed to do so and speaking of which nobody is pushing me to the eye doctor, and Braxton could live his life as always but here we go. Already I have to confirm the appointments and already the anxiety is getting to me but other than my eyes, a trip to another doctor just isn’t in the cards. I think child me knew more than adult me, I mean who actually pays to be tortured; how lucky I am that I don’t enjoy in pain, my pain.

Braxton if anything is a big baby but I can’t help but be worried about him, we’ve nearly survived another year and now I want to trust him to somebody else, honestly, it’s just a spa treatment really. Is that how it works, he makes me mad enough and I send him on an all-expenses paid vacation, what’s going to happen when I finally meet the right woman. Do we really need to talk about what happens with women and when I get upset, seriously for the last few days it has been all about Ms. Seasons, in another life I would have been fired?

Please don’t get fired, luckily she is far, far away but work has turned into a dangerous place, new people coming in and people who don’t entirely piss me off quitting and getting canned. So yeah Luna no pampering for me and “The Day” is coming but before that, a friend’s birthday, and there is this hustle of mine, so far twenty bucks but that’s a far cry from what’s need in my writing friend.

“Define Economics.

Economics is a science that deals with the production, distribution, and consumption of commodities.

Translation?

Dig first, money later.” Abbe Faria, Edmond Dantes, The Count of Monte Cristo

Isn’t it strange that it wasn’t the money at all that first provoked me, pushed me, pained me, Lady Lu, my motivations, payback, pain, and pussy… I know my language.

When I cried out to you more than a month ago it was the pain I found unbearable and I kept writing to sedate it, probably more so now but then there is hope Luna. I’d like to think hope that I could have a better life and again while I won’t completely ignore profit I was mad as Hell, I prepared myself for a war that would never come. She blocked me off of everything, wrote me off like others… far more disturbing and while she couldn’t care at all I write because… I want success and in having something that succeeds her, I have my payback, my glory.

“Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.” – Andy Dufresne, The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

Which brings me to pain again, physically I am sore, my eyes hurt some, I would be lost without my glasses and the only reason I must be so cautious is for Braxton’s sake. When it comes to other people, allow me to sound like a psycho but if I don’t like you death or think you’re ugly death is certain, it’s those I care for, those I find the most beautiful that I hurt the most; a part of being a sadist, okay back to your original program Luna.

Now “Indiana Gone” and I talk about what a man will do for a woman and yes I have done plenty in the name of attraction and madness, it’s biology as always. I dream that I am a man that will do the impossible you know, become all Man of La Mancha with it but you saw what that guy was like; anyway, while I am a sadist for one reason I am a dominant for the other. I must sound so crazy… I get off on bondage, on command, on control, okay one of these days we’re going to have a huge BDSM discussion.

Anyway, payback, pain, pussy, why not link all three into one, power, and when you go to the doctor you’re giving your life, your power, to someone else, submission Luna and I hate my own.

“Lust is to the other passions what the nervous fluid is to life; it supports them all, lends strength to them all ambition, cruelty, avarice, revenge, are all founded on lust.”
― Marquis de Sade

Luna, I hate being poked and prodded for the answers I should have and don’t, I hate pretenders and those who attempt to placate me, I even hate being pampered to a certain degree, teased. Braxton is surely his father’s son because he hates being poked and prodded for bugs or his health, and don’t get me started on the pampering unless life was one big bed in the sunlight with a shady spot, surrounded by meat and I was stuck with him for life.

I hate being pushed to the limit, and as many times as I say I have hit rock bottom, it seems that push still has me falling and it’s a long way down. Doing this Luna is an act of pushing myself and I don’t know where I’m going but something tells me that one day it won’t be vice constantly pushing me forward. Oh my cough *women* cough, I just mean I’ll look forward to my work rather than living in dread of truths I might set free occasionally.

Vi Veri Veniversum Vivus Vici.
By the power of truth, I, while living, have conquered the universe. – V for Vendetta

Ignorance is bliss they say and Braxton has no idea he has an appointment and I hate lying to the little guy, secrets are lies, I really have to get back to reading. As flattered as I am by authors wanting me to read their works and by being a part of an erotic reading club there is still pressure. My whole damn life I feel like I’m under pressure and we know time is running out because I always have Project Alamo on standby.

So what have we learned today other than this lesson was brought to you by the letter “P’ and I may be getting a bit presumptuous, a bit more pathetic, or hell more powerful perhaps? What I have learned is peace can only be found with absolute power, or at the dentist office (he’s got the good drugs) or when you’re not thinking with a certain part of your anatomy just Poking, Prodding, Pampering, Pushing.

“And there, my dear Fio, you make one of Womankind’s greatest mistakes: Falling in love with a man’s potential. We so rarely share the same view of it, and even more rarely care to achieve it. Stop pining for the man you think I could be — and take a good, long, hard look at the one I am.”
― by Karen Marie Moning, Darkfever

Weatherman Whether

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Just ask your weatherman, that was a dream once upon a time and so was being a pilot during my days in the Navy, but my eyes didn’t have the right stuff, oh I didn’t mention being an astronaut either. “Weatherman Whether”, some men have taller dreams

Whether man was meant to predict
the weather, he tries,
why he looks to the skies
becoming blind to it
As with God himself, he could confer
and know in a phone call
where he takes her, he takes her

or such is the nature of man, to rule,
so some men become wise,
still, others will buy the lie,
a one-way ticket is that of a fool.
Only he becomes so sure
that he would run, walk, or crawl
he goes, he takes her, he takes her

supposing he was like Superman himself
for he succeeds, he flies
like a leaf on the wind, surprise
watch how he soars, and there is nowhere else
He makes her a jet setter
Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall
while he takes her, he takes her

far, farther, so amazingly far
autumn leaves, return, apologize
how, when it must be a mile high
An unreachable star,
dream deferred
Yet I will stand tall
knowing he takes her, he takes her

Above It All

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 040 ~Do Better Next Time~

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Tell me you’ll do better next time and I’ll believe you, almost makes me crack up and I believe you or I believe in you is a story for another time. Do Better Next Time, if such a time does come?

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Lesson 040 ~Do Better Next Time~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, I’ll do better next time, you know one of these days I’m going to make a list of the words and phrases I hate the most in the English language but today it’s these four simple words. You know you only get one chance at a first impression and today I think I blew one, okay two, probably a few more I wasn’t that observant.

“I’ll do better next time.

German.

I’ll do better next time.

Italian.

I’ll do better next time.

Spanish.

Spanish.

Did you really want me to snap your neck?” Hanna (2011)

I’m still thinking with that old world mentality that I’m not sure I’ll even see tomorrow so why bother doing my best, even when it comes to you Lady Lu, when will I see you again or I’ll do better next time. Ironically isn’t that why I should try my best because it’s with this I’ll be remembered; give me a reason to stay here, with all my work I don’t want my parents getting rich off me at some point. Another reason not to mince words and say whatever I feel… yeah, I’m afraid.

Maybe I’m just an idiot you know, I mean however are you supposed to introduce yourself to someone when you don’t really know yourself. That’s no secret, it’s just I like to think I know parts of myself, the gross parts according to some, yet another reason I hate looking in the mirror, hell I didn’t know who I would meet today. Isn’t everybody in the same boat when that comes to me, you know better than anyone my friend.

Isn’t that what I’m always talking about, evolving and like any mutant this is not always welcome and it can be a far within as easily as a fight without but once you make that first impression… Well I think everything else comes off as an impersonation but then again at least I’m honest, a bad type of honest sadly.
“And I doubt you’ve ever dared to love anybody that much. And look at you… I don’t see an intelligent, confident man… I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you’re a genius, Will. No one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you.” Good Will Hunting

Speaking of honesty do you know how many times I have rehearsed my tirade for my coworkers only to say nothing at all when the time comes. Hell in a way it’s good to know I’m not alone in this, I’ll do better next time when it comes to working.

At the rate things are going at work I will have plenty of opportunities to have a first impression and I will have some people so confused; I’m not much of a trainer in the day job aspect. Going back to the dirty I could tell you exactly what I want who I am but even role play might be a symptom of something, maybe, you think? With the first impressions maybe I should go wreck a few more across the board, it might help me get over the last impression I gave Ms. Seasons.

You should have seen me this morning Luna, I should have seen myself but I felt that overwhelming dread, just like when there was all that trouble with “Senseless” for days on end I was just stomping hard as if I could crush the memory, caveman. I wonder what sort of impression I give off to animals, these days I’m so scared as to how Braxton sees me. Here’s a start, I see myself as his father, no ifs, and, or buts, only if I am anything like my father I’m pretty screwed; these final impressions can be pretty bad.

Not that Braxton is going anywhere of course except to the groomers, I still wonder how the people at PetSmart see me, I mean no one wants to be looked at as the negligent parent. With how many ticks they have pulled off of him, what do I think about, I’ll do better next time but sometimes we don’t have the luxury of a next time, do it right first.

“Your “best”! Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.” John Mason, The Rock

How about we forget about meeting people and just think about the general everyday interaction, for example, this guy I saw who helped these women in Walmart. What about how hard it is to remember all these things I’ve been trying to teach myself and put them together into something that passes for a human.

I’m not so upset about the store because of those women, I saw were of no interest to me but I do like to think of myself as a gentleman, look at that, dog dad, gentleman, things that nobody gets from me the first time around. Anyway so this guy, old guy helps these women with a big carton of water, I just had to admit that the man has class, or maybe I’m digging too deep into this. Who knows if they’ll ever meet again but the fact is, how do you think they saw this guy if I was so impressed with him?

To this day I can tell you about the first brunette that ever got to me and after her, well there has never been any other type of girl for me. Was it simply the look of her, her kindness, her voice, her eyes, I mean everything and nothing, so you don’t have to ask me why it hurt so much, by comparison, Ms. Seasons was… anyway, this first brunette back in junior college nearly got me kicked out of school. The more things change, and our final impressions of each other, what she thought of me, I honestly don’t want to remember because it will be so much worse.

So what have we learned today, repeating history, first impressions are everything and confusing to those around us but even worse when there is a battle within. Lady Lu, to be fair today was a bit easier but I’m not where I need to be, I’ll Do Better Next Time.

I Will Have No Fear

Fall Better

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Maybe there was just too much Fall stuff at work today, maybe my yard is just in a mess, and it’s no secret that God and I have had our problems, I have problems with everyday people. Fall Better, personally I wish we could just go straight to winter

And it was better, twinkle, twinkle, little star
but a man put them in reach
with a son of a preacher man to teach,
that I should not go too far.
So God did endeavor

to make just the only one
morning star, Satan was his answer,
man-made cancer.
It was better when I just called it the sun
God will you make an effort,

like asking the leaves to stay on the trees,
only didn’t we all fall down?
Every color better, green and white, yellow and red, gold and brown
Autumn leaves…
Come on God why would you ever

I mean was this another dare
for me to curse you, curse her, say something?
Made in your image a caveman grunting,
can we not be better, here and there?
Because God you gave me the letters

before the pedestal or the big mouth
My voice before my courage
These feelings only to discourage
It was better without a doubt
Tell me, God, why I met her

You know maybe, just this once, I can do better…

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.