Category: Lady Lu

Lesson 026 ~You Remind Me Of~

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You remind me of my jeep, well not really, and I’m not really comparing anyone to a summer’s day, though that’s something I can’t forget these days. You Remind Me Of… I’m not sure yet considering this is mostly jibber-jabber.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Lesson 026 ~You Remind Me Of~

Hey Lady Lu,
No R. Kelly is not a good role model either, though I am reminded of the Harmonic War of yesteryear, a bad time, only today’s lesson is being reminded. So many things in the world today are reminding us of what we need to be, should be, what we should aspire to be but I’m looking behind.

“I am wandering inside, wandering through my past, trying to see if there is a place there strong enough to hold me. — After The War

I told you before I’m looking for some male role model and yeah shouldn’t I try being myself… whenever you meet that man be sure to let me know Lu. Ned Flanders is one side of the spectrum and maybe Le Marquis de Sade is the other side, and I’m still keeping the moniker “Marquis de Joker” though I’m sure that’s been ruined. If you asked who I wanted to be today, Donovan ‘Van’ Ray a.k.a. Van Strummer, from Fastlane.

Even in today’s world that would be wrong, I was talking to “Okay” and sort of reminiscing on how the world used to be, the things expected of us. Isn’t that part of the problem right there, the world has so many ideas that here I am looking for myself and if I listened to everyone else I would be torn apart. The rack my lady, we are supposed to stretch to encompass every idea and at the same time, we have to keep those ideas to ourselves other than risk tearing everybody else apart.

Talking to you Luna reminds me when the world was once simpler… okay so it never was but we both can agree that it’s only grown more complicated right? All the world wants me to know now is I’m not good enough to live in it… suicidal, probably but not like I’m anxious to do anything about it for now.

“The Multiverse, every universe in it, is irrational, sloppy. I try to make it rational. I try to make it neat. You call it murder. How can I murder myself 123 times? I just took those wasted energies and transferred them to one container: me. What if that is our fate? To unite with ourselves, to be unified forever. To be one. I will be The One.” The One (2001)

Luna why can’t you remind me of a time I was once at peace with myself, whole and one, yeah I keep finding the pieces of me, trying to kill off the others but such a period never existed. I’m constantly reminded of my failures, selective memory again maybe because when’s the last time I was reminded of something good?

He reminds me of how helpless I am, you know who I’m talking about, “The Abomination” it’s been a long time since I’ve called him that, my father of course. Another reminds me of the monster I still have inside of me, the monster I could become, my poor Braxton still sitting in his room because I’m so upset. Still, so many others remind me of the man… well, I don’t know, personally, I don’t want to be any sort of man like them but they are better aren’t they?

She reminds me of a girl I once knew, of a girl I wanted to know, probably of a girl that never existed except in my mind and as the song goes, where is my mind? What about my mom, haven’t talked to her since… I can’t pick out a good feeling, going for food makes me feel pathetic, showing off the car was more fear of my father. What about Ms. Seasons that reminded me I’m all sorts of skeevy, did I even mention the incident yesterday, the things I can’t forget, the things I actually want to be reminded of, scary isn’t it.

Only that’s just biology, not a doubt in my mind what I want, how easily I’m reminded of a beautiful woman and the things I would do, “Shusaku”, “Isaku”, Kojin Taxi, I swear I’m looking for something appropriate. Something to remind me not of let’s say better, but that I’m not as bad as I sometimes want to believe Luna.

It sucks when you don’t want to be reminded of the things that make you feel the most like you but again who am I? I see gray hairs, I hear the cracking of my bones and I’m reminded that I’m not so young anymore, and what about the things I want to be reminded of, just to keep existing.

They remind me that I’m not wanted there, family and coworkers, there is no place for me amongst them anymore or even before. I’m reminded that I can be scary and that I can be full of fear myself, trying to save the neighbor’s dog again, the dog was scared and so was I. The stares, the body language of everyone when I arrive somewhere that I’m just not like them and that I will never be, no matter what.

Just yesterday I was reminded of my old car, listening to “Indiana” complain about hers, is it bad to be reminded that other people have problems and you can just go along. I know I can still play the hero as I said, the neighbor’s dog, I did the right thing regardless of my plans and I even showed innovation. How about that the idea that I can surprise myself cooking for a woman, it was only rice but yes I’m reminded while things get worse, there are things to look forward to if they are enough.

Lady Luna remind me next time to be more cheerful or make more sense because I know these last chats of ours have been nothing more than jibber-jabber. What have I learned today other than the fact life itself reminds me of nothing at all, maybe because there is nothing like it but Luna You Remind Me Of…

Lesson 025 ~So Time Me Up~

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How much time do you have, you don’t see it, you see the watch face, you hear it in another person’s voice, you feel it dripping from your brow and you know that it’s always running out. “So Time Me Up”, no wonder we can never let go.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Lesson 025 ~So Time Me Up~

Hey Lady Lu,
I so wanted to name this something different but it’s these times we live in, or how about the fact that no one has any time for the likes of us? However, and I know I often repeat myself, that’s what lessons are for right, anyway I hate being late and today I am running behind schedule.

Now aren’t I always running behind, that’s why I try to be early for everything or is that just my anxiety talking? In most horror movies isn’t the best place to be, somewhere in the middle but speaking of other racially insensitive things we’re not allowed to say anymore… I guess in some messed up thought I am thinking about the future past those traditional five minutes dreaming that the world is going to end and that I feel fine.

I feel fine, isn’t that another coping mechanism, remember the good times because you know the bad times are coming, and even worse times. I’d said something about selective memory but nowadays I just go ahead and imagine the worst case scenario and regardless of the truth I’ll probably see it that way a thousand times even after the fact. Waiting is always the hardest part, isn’t that what they say, except when you’re procrastinating and that’s what today has been all about, being honest.

In this world where so much doesn’t truly exist, the value of money, those in power, “gluten” why do we choose to be slaves to the concept of time. As a black man living in America, I can’t say I have much to waste, not trying to get all political or again being somewhat insensitive.

You can thank “Saints Row 4” but out of any super power we could hope to possess, time travel is not one meant for us, it just never turns out well. Then again if we knew of beasts such as “The Langoliers” it would be a reminder to always look ahead and time travel itself would be a thing of the past, to be sure.

I think of all the things I would like to make right or do differently so of course, the first thing would be where would I stop my corrections? Give America a time machine and you would stop the building of the nation if you truly were on the side of right or at least that’s what I think. Maybe I’m just in a movie mindset because what about “The Butterfly Effect” think how much damage you could do to others and think about what you stand to lose completely.

There’s not such a thing yet but imagine if we found there was nothing to go back to, we’re in a constant race to outrun them, langoliers, that would explain why we’re always told to never look back, why in this life we are constantly on the move. Scary to think I might be as bad as “Craig Toomy” running from his past and knowing what the future held, maybe I should call my anxiety a langolier. Talk about the ultimate restart when the survivors were the first people in a world that were yet to be born, maybe then I wouldn’t feel like I am always so behind everyone.

To be first in some things, the middle in others, and most days I hope the future will be that apocalyptic dystopia I’m always dreaming about as if I were a prophet. No Luna, if I were a prophet then what happened today, wouldn’t have happened, did I mention how late it was getting today?

Aren’t we constantly trying to better ourselves or at least I want to be but what was I today, a monster I thought I was trying to lose? To others, I’m tied to the role that either I portray or that they believe me to be and I don’t see how I will change it.

You know I’ve been dealing with Braxton and the tick and today, he and I both lost our minds, please don’t let me become my father and he was just that scared puppy I use to know. Now he’s locked in his room after I literally tore the bed down getting to him because I was just so angry at him and everything else. Isn’t that one more thing about waiting especially with anger, yet another reason I just keep moving or I try to sleep all the time, not that any of that helped.

It scares me to think of how he looks at me now, will I be stuck in that moment, him barking up a storm in the bath with me yelling no, what about when he saw his safe haven falling apart, under the bed. What about the way the people at work see me, I will always be stuck in such a version of reality no matter what I do, time stands still? How about how “Indiana” sees me, I’ll tell you this, that woman has a strange opinion about me indeed, not that I’m interested in changing it though.

Anyway, Indiana probably is expecting me to take her to the movies tonight and you know how I am with the movies so I better hurry up. I’ll do better next time, a next time, yeah this conversation isn’t over but for now, I’m gone Luna, So Time Me Up.

Lesson 024 ~Gotta Fight’em, Gotta Fight’em~

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Am I bugging you yet… looks like I’m king of the ant hill for now and if it was only that, I’d still be freaking out or more like bugging out but it isn’t the end of the world. “Gotta Fight’em, Gotta Fight’em”, true enough though

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Lesson 024 ~Gotta Fight’em, Gotta Fight’em~

Hey Lu,
Get ready for some mundane chatter until more gainful opportunities arise… I suppose today beat sitting on my ass all day am I right? Amongst those, watching paint dry, training at work, and killing bugs or trying to at least, not getting easier.

I’m starting to feel like Hank Hill in “King of the Ant Hill”, can I mention again that I don’t hate these things… necessarily but give it time, there’s no statute of limitations on my anger as you well know. When I came back to the house I swear I had my Dorian Newberry moment, I know I’m still looking for a male role model, considering the man I am. Anyway here I am having made up wars with real enemies but I can’t hold my own territory, sad really.

“I tell you, Worf, war is much more fun when you’re winning!” Sons and Daughters

Speaking of the valiant bug war, Braxton is still on the losing side, yeah I should just go ahead and either take the hit or the shame, nice that I used a Klingon quote because somebody always ends up bleeding, why I detest ants, I hate ticks and fleas, spawn of Hell no doubt. Sort of explains me too though I have been called a lot worse, that’s if I’m even called at all, and I do have something to say about that. Braxton and I have been at odds for a few days now and I have to deal with it sooner or later but a twist of anxiety.

It doesn’t matter though right, he’s my responsibility, hell he’s my son and he needs me but he’s as stubborn as his old man, please don’t ever let me become my father. Don’t ever let me become the person that “they” want me to be and besides these pests both bug and human, I’m fighting.

“I have only one rule. Everybody fights, no one quits. If you don’t do your job, I’ll kill you myself!” Jean Rasczak, Starship Troopers (1997)

It bugs me when people try to be inspirational Lady Lu, the store manager tried that today… it was more to the point of walking out with a smile on your face and implementing his strategies so I don’t get fired. When I write I can’t say inspiration has ever been in the cards… okay, truth be told I do want certain actions but I won’t get anyone to follow me which doesn’t look well on a dominant. I’ve already said I see people as pests, most people, bringing chaos to my ordered universe but I bet pests of all species see me the same.

Is that the reason I’m always on the run, sadly I noticed this when I was only a child, being a spider only looks good if you’re Spiderman or more to the point the girl on his arm. I’m not scared of bugs for the most part, now women… seriously I think I have enough to say I’m not but those were luck, from a spider to a mosquito, I don’t think I can call that an upgrade at all.

Am I starting to sound like one of those buggy kids because here’s another bug relation, gnats, that’s how it feels in my head sometimes, I can’t see, I can’t hear, I can only run and keep running and they just keep coming so what do I resort to my friend, what poisons do I have on me? What chance does a “man” have in this world, maybe you can see why I rather stay indoors, people walking around like they’re lions, tigers, and bears but their bugs, in truth what do I have to fear, being an open wound?

Isn’t that another reason I have you, Luna, I bleed it all out here and then I can close myself off, I can protect myself but that’s just it, I’m still not doing that fully.

Why not just let my dog bite my hand so I can stop the tick that’s biting him, there seems to be no respite in this mad season; did it again didn’t I, always remembering the incident. Yesterday it looks like somebody didn’t forget about me, I heard from “okay”, I’m being invaded on all fronts Luna, without and within.

Still fighting the war outside and losing but do I miss those days when there nowhere else to go, one day I might just take off. Easier said than done, I haven’t been reading much or sleeping much, and before I can take “Indiana” (yeah I’m going Zombieland with her name) to the movies I have to deal with Braxton. Hiding in fantasy isn’t what I need right now is it but I’ve been lost in my new obsession “Saints Row” for days on end.

Some of my viewing habits are like going to the zoo while others are becoming annoying and yet I let them bite me over and over, nobody goes to Hooters for wings, no one goes to a strip club for the DJ, and who goes to the zoo to watch the flies? At the end of the day, we need the bees don’t we, and I’m sure other bugs have their purpose, other pests have their purpose but not Ticks, you know how I feel there. The good news is I’m only bugging you with my problems as of late, though I let things slip to Indiana and Okay from time to time I guess.

So what have we learned today other than I got the bug, call it whatever you like, anxiety, writer’s block, fever? If only a doctor could cure what ails me as easily as the vet could fix Braxton if it comes to that and soon.

 

Lesson 023 ~To Do with Hate~

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It wasn’t an asteroid but to all those ants today it might as well be considered an apocalypse and no I don’t feel the least bit sorry, would it help if I hated the way I do some people. To Do with Hate, better out than in right so I’m still writing?

Monday, July 24, 2017

Lesson 023 ~To Do with Hate~

Hey Lady Lu,
I didn’t hate them you know, I haven’t been “attacked” by fire ants in years but I don’t hate them, not in the way I choose to hate. If there is something I particularly loathe and remind me to write a book about the subject, anyway one thing I loathe is a thoughtless, undisciplined, uncivilized, unreasonable killer.

“Are we living in a land
Where sex and horror are the new Gods?” Two Tribes, Frankie Goes To Hollywood

Yeah, you got to give me something Luna and since Lust seems to be off limits… anyway I took out four anthills today, in minutes, I caused an apocalypse and I was wondering why. As I said I didn’t hate them but it was done, wrong place wrong time maybe, and the only shame I feel is how those little ant hills made me look to people I couldn’t care less about, people I never speak to. A kid burns ants with a magnifying glass and people think somethings wrong, a “man” sprinkles poison and its consider being an adult.

I have faded memories of someone who kept these jars full of ants, I remember I might have wanted an ant farm at some point, I even use to catch Sowbugs or Rolly Pollies we called them. I never kept the sowbugs though, I actually had the idea of putting them in ant hills like some sort of commando movie, I was into Delta Force I suppose and the poor things would be killed. Whatever in the world am I getting at… I’d say genocide but we’re not talking about people, not yet at least.

Probably more to the point is the lesson, what we do with hate, opposed to what we do with love and if you’re asking me with how I feel at this particular moment, hate is easier. Then again my lady the reason I started talking to you more was out of forgiveness that I would never receive and a hatred for myself that I just could not bear that night.

Maybe I’m already talking my way into being more loving, I know I need to considering Braxton and I have been at odds as of late, he’s driving me crazy or I’m driving myself crazy. I’m sure we have talked about fear before; hell I’m terrified of Ms. Seasons, but let me tell you about women, seeing as you’re like my favorite one, maybe, possibly.

With women, I think love and hate are damn near identical and they shouldn’t be, love is exhausting and hate, no it should only be a matter of indifference, as far as Ms. Seasons goes that’s what I want, indifference but I haven’t read her latest so… I told you before I was one for chivalry, courtly love, being a gentleman, exhausting myself to what end; I’m still editing a book trying to make money so that it won’t matter what I look like. Flowery words, candy, presents, I feel sort of like Anakin Skywalker saying I see through the lies of the Jedi, I doubt I would be all Romeo ever again, hope not.

Now I don’t hate women, most women mind you but being a Dom is about control, it’s about bringing out parts of yourself that are not acceptable to the every day and what lies within me is a monster. I hate that monster and I know everybody keeps saying you have to be alright with yourself before you can be with anyone but tell me what is the alternative, for all the hate I feel love as well and if another person cannot or will not feel the same… I don’t want to hate, I really don’t want to hate but people make it so damn easy and then they run away or they knock me down; if anything I think we might be seeing a nice path to bondage.

What we can control, what we can keep might end up destroying us but we want to keep these things safe, is not God the same way? When it threatens us when we can’t control it when it is something we can’t understand or we just don’t want to what is our next action surely?

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” – Master Yoda, Star Wars Series

We destroy and if we get into who’s to blame for this trend, again that’s another book idea but I don’t have the wisdom to write it of course. Am I still writing you because I still hate Ms. Seasons so much, because I hate myself, truthfully this isn’t loving?

Will there ever be enough love Lady Lu, think of how easy it is to kill and the work it would take to stop it and it never completely stops does it and to think I was only killing ants? As I said people make it easy and think that the greatest minds in the world created such devices to do so with the push of a button or the pull of a trigger, easy.

Maybe the question is, why is it so hard to love, I’ve fallen in love easily and let’s just say the aftermath… when you’re picking up the pieces of yourself you have plenty of time to think. I didn’t love this girl or that girl but my biology and reasoning, want to make this so; maybe the whole damn world wants this but our only weapons aren’t those sitting in some silo, tube, or vial anymore. Yes, silo and tube just made me chuckle but these words Luna the methods we use to hurt one another and how easily we all become monsters and killers.

If you have to kill, if you want to, all I ask is an honest to God reason for it to be done, it’s why I loathe bullies, why I’m angry at Ms. Seasons, why I hate my father, if you wish to destroy do it with reason and intent, the dead should stay down. This course of action should be reserved and well thought out, and if I was a king I would say yes do it in front of the court but no jester wants his life to be the joke. A true killer should be haunted, it shouldn’t stop them but they should know those faces, and strangely enough, people are remembered more in death than ever in life, the honest truth.

“A penny for my thoughts, oh, no, I’ll sell ’em for a dollar
They’re worth so much more after I’m a goner
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when you’re dead how people start listenin’” If I Die Young (2010)

I didn’t hate them Lady Lu, but I hate some and at the top of that list, for now, will be me and if only I was as efficient as I am with ants and fleas, how I wish I was with Ticks. Is being a pest enough to hate, only if you’re douche who doesn’t like animals or if you’re human for there is much To Do with Hate.

“Here’s much to do with hate but more with love” – “Romeo & Juliet”, William Shakespeare

Lesson 022 ~Do You Trust Me~

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Betrayal is the lowest circle of Hell, a sin I have never committed… but no we don’t trust each other and for all the reasons we should, what went wrong? Do You Trust Me, after everything how does anybody else even stand a chance?

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Lesson 022 ~Do You Trust Me~

Hey Lady Lu,
Today’s lesson is brought to you by Disney or to be more specific, Aladdin, which begs the question why would you trust a thief or Disney as a whole. I’ve said on numerous occasions I am not a man of faith, but what is trust but the ultimate act of faith especially considering the circumstances and such.

“Trust is something you have to earn!

But how?! How do I earn it?

You can start by trusting me!” – Titan Rising, Teen Titans (2004)

Faith is trust with nothing to show for it and trust is experience, Jasmine had faith in Aladdin at first, but with the experience trust was simple. I just got a chill you remember the fifth of November, in my attempts to trust one I didn’t trust who matters most… that would be me strangely enough. I gave into faith instead of everything I knew to be true and isn’t that the question, why would I do such a thing?

For Jasmine it was an escape, the experience seemed to dictate her world would not change, in trusting this she took a “leap of faith” which led to her trusting someone. Aladdin was much the same way, and what I have been thinking about these past few days is how easily we take it for granted. Maybe it’s not so much taking it for granted because you would have to have it, I don’t know what you would call it.

I said I would never lie to you Luna, I am learning to trust you again (my fault) but I think I have already done so without meaning to. The reason for today’s lesson and the onset of my depression is my little Braxton and this my dear changes nothing but here we are anyway.

“You can have trust without love, but you cannot have love without trust” Just me

I have faith in him but the trust would say otherwise, faith, hope, and love, but I am certain I’ll end up bleeding and that’s for trying to help him. I don’t trust people more than I love my dog but with the same problem, people are more… logical I suppose; he doesn’t trust me which means I hand him to vets who I have no reason to trust and yet it’s me trusting them for his benefit, logical right?

This is yet another reason I don’t trust myself, it’s my responsibility to see to Braxton’s needs, he trusts me with his food, water, shelter, a walk a day and everything else that’s his experience. He doesn’t trust me not to hurt him though and to be fair I don’t trust myself but helping him is what I trust myself to do and I have faith in the end that he will be grateful, no Luna I’m not high. Long story short, he has a tick and I want to get it off but because neither of us trusts each other he’s hiding in his room and I’m in mine talking to you instead of I don’t know calling someone.

Faith says I can help him and trust says I know who must because I lack trust in the animal that I have cared for these years, who sleeps on my bed, who knows enough not to touch my food, who has protected me from my “father”. What about him, I have protected him from any harm, I’ve never failed in getting him what he needs, his well-being comes ahead of my own, well not now I suppose. Years of trust don’t mean anything to a moment of fear, some pain, anger, and rage etc.

This is why faith might be better, if you succeed then you can claim trust and if you fail, let God’s will be done or you can make up whatever you want to get by. Trust means you have to face it down, look it in the eye, black and white, feel it and know that something has been destroyed.

“Trust is easy to destroy, but it takes time to build.” – Masks, Teen Titans

I don’t trust myself most days but for some reason, people have trust in me, trust not to screw up too badly, trust that I won’t act on every devious impulse that festers within the confines of my mind whenever.

“Remember “Okay” how she trusted me, over and over and how often did I break that trust, how often did she find I wasn’t worthy of it. She told me things she would never trust anyone with, things I could use against her but I am not that “man” I would never I even asked her did she trust me. Haven’t spoken to her in over a month, years of knowing me and in a flash, it’s all over and still, I keep her confidence.

“these guys are tight, and you’re gonna be trippin’ out.

Don’t be usin’ my own phrases when we’ve lost the trust.” Waiting in the Wings

Of course, we still have “the incident” but “Ms. Seasons” didn’t ever know me and I was trusted to be someone else rather than who I am. Then there is “Gospel Girl” (I might be getting good at these names) and I want her to trust me enough just so I can play the devil.

Being a Dominant though, trust is a sacred thing, if a Sub doesn’t trust you then there really is no point it can’t be allowed even. Yes, I’m still looking for a role model other than Ned Flanders or Christian Grey but Lady Lu can I trust you with a secret of mine… That’s part of the reason I’m a Dom because I don’t trust someone not to run away, a future Sub will have to trust me and rope, scarves, underwear are many ways to make her stay put.

Anyway what have we learned today other than I’m so worried about my dog, trust me, isn’t that what I usually ask of you and others Do You Trust Me?

Lesson 021 ~Funhouse~

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Nothing you want to see here unless you like laughing which is the usual response or something plenty worse. Funhouse, I didn’t look to go out so I’m definitely not going in but then again my head is a fun house or madhouse, I can’t decide.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Lesson 021 ~Funhouse~

Hey Lady Lu,
There shouldn’t be any filters, uncensored, raw, but you know the last time I was like that, other than writing, it was a trip to Walmart. Now nine times out of ten I have no faith in mirrors the lesson today is how they’re unnecessary but this trip to the store was eye quite opening.

“That’s you, you’re ugly” I probably sound like some teenage girl but that’s what I said to myself and guess what, I left the dressing room and bought the pants. Haven’t gone clothes shopping since but the fact that that I faced that one moment, could I “Call It Courage”; a good book by the way at least when I was a kid. When I was a kid… there are times I don’t even remember when there was such a time and it explains why my parents never acknowledge my existence to others at all.

You know Quasimodo, the phantom of the opera, the Marquis de Sade, talk about mentors and maybe this explains why I like Halloween, my Topsy-Turvy day. I have worn a mask for so long I forget who I really was beneath it and all that’s left, well just another reason not to look right? The Marquis de Sade was thrown into prison for all sorts of things, yeah I continued that proud tradition in juvenile detention and with my novel, I just refuse to work on, though I have time.

I’ve never been in a funhouse and I don’t ever need to because life is full of mirrors and not one of them reveals anything flattering about me. Not one of them reveals the real me, isn’t that why I have you here, isn’t that what we’re working on daily.

No this isn’t about loving myself but rather being myself but the thing about it is, I wanted to be someone worthy of Ms. Seasons, badass enough to be “Oh K”, the devil to the angel. If anything I need to be okay with myself but again I have no idea who that is, the person I’m reflected as I hate, and most days I feel like I’m going crazy.

“She was nice to me. Gave me something I didn’t even know existed I wasn’t never even able to… buy a woman. Yeah, the way I look” Sin City (2005)

Twenty-one days and I still think about what I said to Ms. Seasons, how she looked at me before and how she must see me now in black and white, not that living color was any better. Only a skeevy type of man though would try what I did and she wasn’t okay with it at all but could I really be that sort of man in the end? As for the good girl I’m taking my time but wondering should I be honest, should I dare, or keep her friendship as just a guy?

I’m still trying to grow up if my bank account has anything to say about it and does money make a man, I know enough about that sort of power. At least I didn’t have to see my “work persona” today, walking Braxton is enough and that brings on a whole new set of worries I’ve brought up before. Along with those is the fact that either I want to be known for my money then it doesn’t matter or I truly am terrified of the man I could be given half the chance because I know this for certain, he isn’t good.

“Have a nice day, girls, and remember, money can make anybody beautiful.” – Too Cute, Daria

When you have died as many times as I have of course you live with the damage, I broke my front tooth sometime back at elementary school, I don’t eat enough or work out to fill out and I don’t drink enough to not care about it. Did I mention I’m shallow as Hell, I seek out goodness to balance out my wickedness and with the way I look, how do I desire a goddess?

“There’s a man Ian never got to know, the man he was growing up to be. He’s a good-looking clear-eyed fella… about 25. I can see him. He’s the type of guy men want to be around, because he has integrity, you know? He has character. You can’t fake that. And he’s a guy women want to be around, too. Because there’s tenderness in him… respect… and loyalty, and courage. And women respond to that. Makes him a terrific husband, this guy. I see him as a father. That’s where he really shines. See, when he looks in his kid’s eyes and that kid knows that his dad really, really sees him… he sees who he is. Then that child knows that he is an amazing person. He’s quite a guy… that I’ll never get to meet. I wish I had.” – Chris Nielsen in What Dreams May Come (1998)

Today though what really got to me was just looking at my dog, he’s been with me since I was 21 or 22, making him around 12 but in his years an angry old man and I blame myself honestly.

Why I’m always freaked out about kids because I have raised Braxton and what is he like, as I said angry, frightens easily, he knows how to put on a show, he’ll growl at the one person that loves him the most, he sleeps a lot, he’s me in a nutshell. I love him more than he’ll ever know and I know there would be a better life for him if he wasn’t as screwed up as he is. How does he think I look at him; I feel like such a negligent parent and yet I trust him more and love him more than anything and just hate that I know I’m not good enough, yeah it’s my fault.

“It’s no surprise to me
I am my own worst enemy
‘Cause every now and then I kick the living shit out of me” Lit

When I write, even right now talking to you I know I can do better but it will never be enough for me to be satisfied. “Writing is easy. You just open a vein and bleed.” or so they say and as Hemingway put it “All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence you know.” thus my problem surely.

“Hell’s waking up every goddamn day and not even knowing why you’re here.” Sin City (2005)

Am I going to talk about love Luna or maybe the meaning of life; one day I want to look at a woman and see the man I hope to be but in my woman’s eyes I want to see that I’m enough, better, best, that she would choose no other, no she doesn’t love my potential, she loves me. I wrote about Bubble from Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets today and how she could be whatever Valerian wanted, like Mystique, maybe this part of the reason I’m a dominant, for another time Luna I’m still Ned Flanders. Yep, Ned Flanders, I’ve been thinking about why I chose him, seeing as how he married Edna Krabappel I might need another role model.

Anyway, what I have learned today is, start with the man in the mirror which means I might have to kill him again, at least face him down, accept him, though Walmart is already a carnival, I have to go back to see the Funhouse.

Lesson 020 ~Doomsday Preppers~

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Well, I made it through today and will probably survive tomorrow but the question is, do I really want to and who knows when Judgement Day will be… I do mean machines or zombies. Doomsday Preppers, somehow I’m always prepared

Friday, July 21, 2017

Lesson 020 ~Doomsday Preppers~

Hey Lu,
I told you about my five-minute theory on the end of the world right, in five minutes, the world will end and I won’t have to go to work, in five minutes this or that will happen and everything else becomes inconsequential. Braxton and I may not look like it but we’re preppers, as the expression, hope for the best, prepare for the worst but no it won’t take zombies, a purge, or the biblical flood of Noah; that’s the lesson, should remember that now.

“Judgment Day is inevitable.” Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

It’s been said that you can’t fight your biology and if you’re asking my personal opinion on the matter I think the end is more likely to come at human hands than outside influences. Strange that everything seems to push us together when the end is near, I remember being in school though during tornados and saying out loud “I’m not dying with you a**holes”. Life is too short, another saying and I spend far too much of it with people I hate, another bit of the lesson, ticks me off.

You see storms have never bothered me, I stopped looking at the stars, and zombies are an excuse to cull the herd and in all likelihood, it’s the people in the end that you can prepare for. My sister survived a tornado once, and the prospect of an asteroid doesn’t bother me, or alien invasion, it’s the people. Tell me how do you prepare for the people in the beginning, everyday Luna, how do you deal with those you’re going to see today and tomorrow and the day after that, I have no idea.

It’s not doomsday to me, it’s every day, that’s the day I can’t escape from, the day where I am judged and that’s why God doesn’t frighten me, I have more than enough judges these days. So I survive those five minutes and then what Lady Lu, I rebuild, I come back, there is nowhere to go, nothing I can do to stop the inevitable.

The world falls apart and you get by, you find a way to keep going, maybe I’m being somewhat dramatic with these days’ events. Throw in the people and you have whatever crisis you can possibly imagine and then some but okay let’s bring on some light dramatics, my friend.

A broken toaster… hell got it years ago from Publix maybe, it lasted up to this point so why should that upset me, a bit of toast before my meds or lack thereof. Possible broken car air conditioner, just something I might have to take to the shop and get fixed or I could try to be a handyman… Braxton of course always makes me feel like a negligent parent, how I stay alive is beyond me, but keeping him alive is a damn miracle, almost makes a man believe in God… I mean almost.

“This is what I hate. Strangers. Do you say ‘hi’ or do you blow their head off? Do they want to share what they got or take what you have? And if they want to take, how far are you willing to go to stop them?” – The Postman (1997)

If anything ticked me off today it was this stupid lady in Walmart pushing my groceries out of her way, did I mention how often I feel like I’m in everybody’s way. What about my dumbass general manager catching me in one of my frozen moments of my past, the jerk who wouldn’t move his arm, or those idiots who keep trying to test me? I get it, Luna, I’m not making my point that well, but with anxiety, you just want to die, and doesn’t that mean the world effectively ends, how am I to blame?

“It’s Hebrew, it’s from the Talmud. It says, “Whoever saves one life, saves the world entire.” Schindler’s List

Everyday Luna, before I go to work, I tell Braxton I love him, I tell him I’ll be back, I check the locks, I front door at least a half dozen times and I stare it at before I drive away, doesn’t seem the actions of someone looking forward to the end of the world does it. It’s less I don’t want to die and more I want Braxton to live, to be safe, so I have something to come back to after I’m wrecked.

So how do I prepare for when I have to face the world, how do you prepare for your own doom when you actually have a choice in the matter? Here’s a better question how do you look at the world as it’s happening, I told you before destruction can be a beautiful pastime really.

Avoid mirrors, you’ll get more than enough of that when people see you, the only time I look in the mirror is probably right after a shower, the steam, the haze, might make it bearable. Hoodies work wonders, I actually looked up weighted blankets and I don’t know if that has anything to do with anything but even in the summer, I like to be covered, if I’m not in a hoody, then I’m usually under the covers or I really trust someone, or I did, another story for another time. Remember that you have survived worse and you will survive worse, that’s just how it goes, the key to surviving Hell is to get through and not stop and stare or wonder why you’re there, leave that to others.

“Hell is other people seeing you for who you truly are.” – The Box (2009)

More like whatever they have decided you are, and there is no changing that unless with destruction, you know how we started talking again, people saw me one way and I figured it was best not to be seen at all, so I destroyed my work there. Miss Seasons posted something else yesterday, I’m not worried but I’m also ignoring it all together, and of course, there is another “friend” I haven’t spoken to in weeks, I’m just watching the friendships, die away. Of course, I’ve watched my happiness die away so many times, I’m starting to think of it more as a virus but what is the cure, that’s what I started thinking about today that song “Love and Happiness” would lust be the opposite and I’m not exactly full of sadness.

So what I learned besides that I might be more of a survivor than a prepper, yeah I get by and I’m always ready for things to fall apart, for myself maybe. Right now I’m just glad this day, for the most part, is over and yes I’m well aware when it comes to anxiety I am only one of many in this life of Doomsday Preppers.

 

Lesson 019 ~Preacher Man~

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I’d sell my soul for… it really is too bad that God doesn’t make deals like that, I’m not much of a business man but I hear a soul is a valuable thing and I just won’t give it to anybody. Preacher Man, well I’m not on any sort of leader for real

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Lesson 019 ~Preacher Man~

Hey Lu,
I don’t believe in God, a bold declaration but is it not bolder to say that you speak for him and with his authority, talk about ulterior motive. So what brought this on, I figured Lady Lu I have been doing a lot of preaching as of late, makes me think about a new profession, relax, just a thought.

Here’s a history lesson, I was raised in the church for quite a while, even got to the point where there was this lady who said I was going to be a preacher someday. You know I have a reputation of being somewhat threatening, it’s called my existence but anyway I told her if she ever teased me again about being a preacher, that I would never step foot in a church again. It worked though I had no way of carrying that out back then, you know because of my parents, yeah I really had no choice in that.

“6 Train up a child in the way he should go,
And when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6 (NKJV)

Yeah, that would be my mother talking but bad news mom… not that she doesn’t know, hell they all know, I was freed of the whole religious sect and after that, better not to answer that maybe. Not that in the church my life was sunshine and lollipops, I may be stupid (yeah that would be my father talking), I don’t cater to a lot of black people (A.M.E.) and I learned to keep my mouth shut. I don’t think this was this the exact moment but, you know how I often talk about the moment I was told to shut up and I didn’t matter, it was my father in church the moment I declared atheism and told anyone that would listen to me.

“Fathers are supposed to show sons how to be a man in the world, but I guess the world is too much for you.” Nick, Fear the Walking Dead: Grotesque

Two things, first if we’re all children of God and Jesus himself couldn’t make it in this world, then how can any of the rest of us, I mean he literally came down to Earth on a suicide run. Secondly, my father wasn’t exactly the greatest role model, I mean I learned that a man looks after his family, that terror will always defeat reason, and whenever you’re in doubt just get angry, it helps.

“Once more into the breach, my friends, once more. We’ll close the wall with our dead. In peace, nothing so becomes a man as modesty and humility, but when the blast of war blows in our ears, then imitate the action of the tiger, summon up the blood, disguise fair nature with rage and lend the eye a terrible aspect.”- Kevin Costner, The Postman (1997)

I think I might have missed my calling Lady Lu, Philosophy, I always dig deep, now I could go on about my religious history but I think more to the lesson is power and leadership. Okay one more tidbit maybe that’s why I respected the reverend so much, I shook his hand every Sunday and he gave me a dollar, my parents stopped him but I kept doing it mostly as a dig but maybe I really did respect him.

“Heh, me lead you? Lady look at me, I don’t even know where the hell I am half the time!” Dogma

Most leaders these days I have no faith in whatsoever, that would pretty much be my managers and my father and I wonder why that is? If you’re asking me do I have faith… in the religious sense and again I’m an atheist but if there is something out there, something bigger and more powerful, and it has an ounce of benevolence I only ask that it be bestowed upon Braxton, if it takes care of my dog then yes I am blessed. As for myself being a leader, for the most part, no, who do I lead other than Braxton and half the time I feel like a negligent parent where he is concerned.

“I’m the enemy. Cause I like to think, I like to read. I’m into freedom of speech and freedom of choice. I’m the kind of guy who wants to sit in a greasy spoon and think, “Gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the jumbo rack of barbecued ribs with the side order of gravy fries?” I want high cholesterol. I want to eat bacon, butter, and buckets of cheese, okay? I want to smoke a Cuban cigar the size of Cincinnati in a non-smoking section. I wanna run through the streets naked with green Jello all over my body reading Playboy magazine. Why? Because I suddenly might feel the need to. Okay, pal? I’ve seen the future, you know what it is? It’s a 47-year-old virgin sittin’ around in his beige pajamas, drinking a banana-broccoli shake singing “I’m an Oscar-Meyer Wiener”. You wanna live on top, you gotta live Cocteau’s way. What he wants, when he wants, how he wants. Your other choice: come down here, maybe starve to death.

All right, then why don’t you take charge and lead these people out of here?

I’m no leader. I do what I have to do. Sometimes, people come with me.” Demolition Man (1993)

This is me most days, I do what I must for his sake because someone has to take command, someone has to accept responsibility and that’s something that most of the religious refuse to do. You take the hit, you take the lumps, I wouldn’t ask for God to save me because if he was going to… anyway, most days I know I’m going to Hell, which in another way is me being a bad leader because Braxton above all deserves better. Is it the journey or the destination; when it comes to people I look after me, except if we’re talking other “activities”, in life, in general, I don’t want anyone to be lost.

That’s another thing, walking by faith and not by sight, now this is a big thing with the religious but you know how people say that the eyes are the windows to the soul, that I do believe. Is that why I look down all the time, I keep bringing up “the incident” nineteen days in Luna but maybe I don’t want anyone to know how bad my soul really is; again atheist but the thoughts continue, deprogramming is tough.

“And all I ever wanted is to be a better man
And I try to keep it real with my homies land
For me to save the world I don’t understand
How did I become the leader of a billion fans?” I Wish, R. Kelly

At work, people ask me plenty and 9/10 I don’t worry about it because everyone thinks they can speak for me, or they think they know what I’m thinking, or I can’t help but imagine that I’m wrong. In the end I’m not looking to have faith in a deity, I’m looking to have faith in me, the kind of faith I knew when I won awards at church, did speeches, I didn’t brag about God I bragged about me, the faith I knew when I would walk through after church and walk out with twenty bucks, the faith that was stolen when I was in school and told a cop I believed in me and next thing you know I’m in handcuffs (long story).

“Being a leader isn’t about ability. It’s about responsibility.

Got it, sir.

No, you don’t, Beck. I mean, you’re not just responsible for the good ones. You’ve got to be responsible for the bad ones. You’ve got to be ready to make the shitty call.

What makes you think I’m not?

Because you’re so damn good. You haven’t hit anything you couldn’t beat. I mean, hell, you were the one who figured out how to save the space shuttle. You made me, you made the rest of NASA just look like an ass. It’s just you’re used to winning… and you’re not really a leader until you’ve lost.” The Core

I told you about that girl once I was with and we were “roughhousing” and I grabbed her wrists and it scared her so I backed off, Lady Luna there are parts of my life where leadership, power, dominance come naturally to me but aren’t acceptable every day. That’s my problem, simulated violence, horror, sex, exist in what is supposed to be another world and this one will have no part of it, so that part of myself is locked away, that confidence, that faith, that truth and I am left with what I am to everyone else. Superman becomes Clark Kent and I wish I could find that man again, flying to the mountain top rather than tumbling off.

Strange that I believe that somehow or another I’m going to make it, mostly because of the little dog staring up at me because without him I might have no reason to. I might not lead people daily but my words have led to actions, talk about leading men to the promised land that I might as well be Moses sitting there while everyone else enters. As R. Kelly said, just be a better man and for some reason, someone might want to follow, better someone might want to stand by your side, no way.

If I haven’t said this enough, being a writer gives you a taste of that sort of leadership, that sort of power, though I’m not sure many of my characters would agree. So I have learned today; that there was a point in my life I liked the sound of my own voice but yeah I was no Preacher Man.

Lesson 018 ~Blueprint, 140 Characters or Less~

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One of my friends often talks about my raw emotion, my raw passion, maybe I’m just trying to scrape myself raw of everything and somehow keep myself. Blueprint, 140 Characters or Less or how I have been changing the world

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Lesson 018 ~Blueprint, 140 Characters or Less~

Hey there Lady Luna,
Maybe it was that moment when I wrote a word down and didn’t have any idea what it meant and my aunt said “that’s your name”, maybe it was when I wrote that story about turkeys taking over the planet, how about the story that is somewhat dusty on the shelf. I’m my own worst critic Luna, we both know this, there is not a moment that goes by that I believe I can make it, so why do I do it hmm, why do I write anything, my friend?

“You want me to beg? Okay, I’ll beg. This is the only thing I know I am good at! Don’t take that away from me!” Best of the Best (1989)

Three bloggers liked “Some Things Can’t Be Erased”, do you know how I felt when I found out people liked my book reviews because they don’t like anything else of mine, okay about nine liked “Mime No More”. Amazon let the review on without a second thought, Goodreads, WordPress, Facebook, nobody stopped me, and I really thought, why would they you know, did I do anything wrong? How often that thought pops into my head, did I do anything wrong, am I defective, am I a mistake, you know about “the day” the one we don’t talk about because it’s the biggest regret of my entire life and it’s not even my fault at all.

“The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me.”
― from Ayn Rand

A friend asked me about why I write book reviews and personally it’s not my favorite thing in the world but okay one, a few authors have come to me asking for reviews and while I don’t think for a second that I’m special, again I want to write myself so I can understand helping them. Next, the books that no one asked for I suppose, keep me busy, I like talking about books and about my feelings towards them, seriously if someone just wants facts or hands no emotions why bother? Lastly, as I said, of anything I write nowadays I know my reviews are read, maybe even liked to a certain extent and I like that feeling of knowing that I’m a part of the universe, for one time in my life Luna I’m not invisible, I matter.

So why do I feel this way today, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and today at work, the managers asked am I happy and I said no comment, why, because I would never stop screaming. I need to learn how to expect and to accept criticism because it’s going to come; Lady Lu if I have anything to say about it, I have to believe it will come and as Michael Jackson put it, I’m starting with the man in the mirror… okay well, maybe not me first.

“You need structure. Yeah? You need discipline.

Yes, sir. Thank you for trying to teach me. Don’t give up on me, Dad.” American Beauty (1999)

I suppose my “father” did try, without a doubt he was the first one to tell me that I didn’t matter; do you know I was so scared of him when I was a child I would write notes about everything rather than face him. Maybe that’s what this is you know, I write notes to the world and then when I face rejection, it just tears me apart, let’s take this morning for example.

“Although it’s understandably cathartic when you find something that resonates with you, physically, emotionally, or otherwise- sometimes you have to ask yourself whether or not this is the right venue to write a monolog about it. This is one of those times. You’re not sick, as there is an entire industry supporting this exact genre. Sometimes things are just as simple as wanting to give up a measure of control (or seizing it) as a form of escape. This is also one of those times. Live outside your head more, dude. And for goodness sake, find some more open consensual adults to explore all aspects of your sexuality with. Seriously.”

‘A military man, especially a commander should keep a journal. After he’s gone, it’s the only real defense against the slander that later arises.” – General Bethlehem, The Postman (1997)

Okay, I have asked myself is this the right venue and I have decided that yes, it is, because it’s mine, Amazon, Goodreads, WordPress, Facebook along with a host of others have made it so. I agree with the ideas of both control and escape and again, I have questioned myself and again I have decided that my writing is a form both of control and also of escape as well. For now, I will live my life as I see fit even if that place is my own mind and as far as “consenting adults”, never in my life have I been with someone not consenting as you seem to be suggesting, yeah seriously.

“1) I hardly think a multi vitamin and some shit for my hair, skin, and nails constitutes “medicating” so I’m not worried at all about it.

2) I feel as though you look far too deep into what I write. I have a high pain tolerance, this has nothing to do with BDSM. “I look to my left” turns into a sensual song. Like, dude. No. I’m just looking at the sunrise. Nothing deeper than that. It skeeves me out that every comment written on here by you has something sexual included. This blog is not like that. Your comments and readership are respected and appreciated but the subject matter of what I write and will discuss are far different than what you write and wish to discuss. A lot of the things you say via comment are highly inappropriate. Not all, but a lot.”

Okay, Luna, I was trying to confront my demons on here, the first one was rather easy but the second one that “1-2” combo was from “Miss Girl for All Seasons” and even now I’m disgusted at myself for making her feel that way about me. I’m angry that I hurt our “friendship” like that, I’m angry that I can’t get over it, and I’m angry at her just in general. The point is Luna that words can build us up and knock us down just as easily as any brick, stone, or any amount of money, hell when I was writing my novel, each and every word is like building a whole new world.

“It’s time to change the world, kids. Here’s the blueprint” Messiah by Dead Celebrity Status

I don’t want to be like one of those people that answers, I’m only trying to touch one person because I’m too damn greedy and do I want fame and fortune… I wouldn’t say no to it. There was a time when I figured girls like the flowery stuff and they do if you have the face to go with it but the question is why do I write now.

“I shall die here. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch, but one. An Inch, it is small and it is fragile, but it is the only thing the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must never let them take it from us. I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you. I love you. With all my heart, I love you – Valerie” V for Vendetta (2005)

A history teacher told me that history is written by the victors, yeah we’ve been over this because I said I think history is written by the survivors. In another book, a man said, we tell these stories, we write them down so no one can say they didn’t happen, there will be a record, of course, he was talking about accounts of the Holocaust.

So why do I write Lady Lu, I write to understand, myself, everything in between, and the girl I’m hoping to find someday because I rather not lie; I write fiction sometimes but I never lie. I write because there has to be a beginning, there has to be a place that I can say, yes this is where it started and now that I know where it began, here’s the present, and I can start writing my future. Luna these words come because in the universe I reside in, no place exists, do you think I could tell my breathing therapist this, my “friends” won’t understand and in words I can create a universe that can never be real, seek out a kingdom worthy of your soul, yeah the meaning of life once before.

“I am wandering inside, wandering through my past, trying to see if there is a place there strong enough to hold me.
—Ruth Mendenberg”
― Carol Matas, After the War

“There’s the secret of life. People change people. No matter what I teach you in here, learning from the people you care about is more important than the words on any page.” Girl Meets World

I don’t agree Mr. Matthews, that’s what I say to this Luna, words will always matter and I don’t like to think I care about the whole world, all I learned from the Amazon commenter and Miss Girl for All Seasons is that I’m wrong, I’m bad and while Miss Seasons has a valid point considering her own work I don’t have to talk to her anymore. No It’s you and me Luna, and yeah a few billion dollars would be nice but that’s another reason we’re friends, because I’m sick of being told I’m wrong, I’m sick of being told to go away, I’m sick of being unwanted, I hear that enough of when I leave my bed. Why do I write Luna, because that my dear was never an option in my case, in that moment I wrote my own name writing is who I truly was.

“We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, “O me! O life!… of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless… of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?” Answer. That you are here – that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play *goes on* and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?” John Keating, Dead Poets Society

I’m not getting religious on you Luna but wasn’t God lonely and so he created the world and while most of the world loves him/her/it some version there are people who still say no and for some reason that leaves him heartbroken? Talk about power, you see it isn’t just me except I’m not trying to cram myself down everyone’s throat, I know where to stop but someday I want to be everywhere, that’s the dream. I’ve never been a guy for just one, I mean one girl sure, one dog because Braxton is greedy, and while I dream of being in the one percent I know all too well the power of the people.

“I make mistakes but learn from every one
And when it’s said and done
I bet this Brother be a better one
If I upset you don’t stress, never forget
That God isn’t finished with me yet
I feel his hand on my brain
When I write rhymes I go blind and let the Lord do his thang” – Ghetto Gospel

I want to change the world Lady Lu, and it was the words on the page that got them to respond, to wreck my world and to fire me up to begin anew. People change people but I never got as close as the words did and while I respect Twitter my Blueprint, 140 Characters or Less… nope, I’m going to need some more.

“And I could still draw. Nothing had lessened it as much as I had abused it, abandoned it. It was a gift, and it was still mine. And everything else was less real. What can it mean? That picture of the world. But when it’s true, we recognize it in ourselves, in others. We recognize it, like love, completely undeserved.” – Finn Bell, Great Expectations (1998)

Lesson 017 ~How I Learned to Hate Beyoncé~

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This is what you get when you listen to Beyoncé for three hours straight, I like to think I have much better taste in music. How I Learned to Hate Beyoncé, might not sound like it from this but if I never heard her music again or life story

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Lesson 017 ~How I Learned to Hate Beyoncé~

Hey Lady Lu,
When we pretend that we’re dead, trust me it was the only way I survived at work today and this will be a rather musical lesson today. Crappy music at that since it will be mostly Beyoncé; I am Destiny’s Child at that, you know the one no one talks about, reminds me of “home”

Lose my breath, amongst other things whenever I show up to work, my voice, my nerve, my heart, and maybe my man card with the direction this is going. Talk about losing my life but the only life that was almost lost today was a cat that ran out in front of my car at work. I don’t think I’ve ever killed any “real” animals, my apologies to the squirrel population; I nearly hit a deer once, and a dog slammed into the driver’s side door.

Power, you and I should have all that power Lady Lu, ancient Chinese secret, did I ever mention how I get through most of my day if I had a million dollars; okay I’ll slow down a bit with the song titles, sounding like my poetry. I’ve actually interviewed for a few promotions but we know with the “Anxiety” that’s never really going to happen for me is it? You remember when I was wrestling with you know who and I caught both of her wrists… yeah, that sort of dominance would not be welcomed in the workplace ever.

Bootylicious as they think they are, but that’s a rant for another day, and I’m all about the Ned Flanders life, you know what happens whenever I like a girl. Speaking of which I never understood why people like Beyoncé that much, though back in the day I did have an eye for one of her partners, on my iPhone.

Don’t fear the reaper though, as crappy as most days at work though, short of the Beyoncé today was actually better than most even without my medication. How many things will remind me of “the incident”, most of the times that’s what the meds do, not remind me but make it so it won’t matter.

“We’re gonna eat these, Hannah, okay? Come on – You eat these. Eat these.

Are you trying to kill me?

No, sweetheart. I’m making you not care.” 28 Days Later

Haunted, now that’s a good way to describe it; you know I haven’t talked to another cute brunette in weeks and honestly, I can’t be the one to break the silence. I’ve said some pretty messed up things about girls of course, but to be a dream is better than a ghost right; no Lu I am not that crazy though plenty thought that about me which got me in a lot of trouble. People wonder why I lost the more romantic side of myself and if I had to describe it in any way it’s when Tony left Stella “How I Met Your Mother”.

“So what, you’re-you’re appealing to the romantic in me? Is that your strategy? Because that guy’s gone.
You can’t pull those strings anymore.
They’re not attached to anything thanks to you.” Ted Mosby – As Fast As She Can, HIMYM

99 Problems and a bitch ain’t one… that’s damn straight and I wish I could scream that out but wouldn’t that make me a weak and pathetic man, a catcaller of sorts. That’s just it Lady Lu, women think so much of themselves until it’s brought up and then if you have the right bank account, the right hype, the right face then it really doesn’t matter, don’t tell me it doesn’t. Don’t I sound bitter, more at myself than anything because at work when dude left, I could have decided the music right, I had that opportunity but I let anxiety stop me, fear, if only I had a Jay Z level of confidence.

Irreplaceable, don’t I wish but I have to keep silent, not to said I haven’t been missed or I haven’t shown courage listening to the tunes I do from time to time at work. It wouldn’t really matter though, Target, Wendy’s, Hardee’s (okay the six dollar clowns were mostly my fault) anyway who I am never really mattered in a way, with “Tall Ms. Seasonal” it was to the left.

“What do you mean, he didn’t talk? You were in there for an hour.

He just sat there, counting the seconds until the session was over. It was pretty impressive, actually.

Why would he do that?

To prove to me that he doesn’t have to talk to me if he doesn’t want to.

What is this, some kind of staring contest between two kids from the old neighborhood?

Yeah, it is. And I can’t talk first.” Good Will Hunting (1997)
Ordinary Human Lu, no I’m just human, no more and plenty of people would think a lot less; hell honestly I rather listen to Beyoncé than the things people say about me. The most people get out of me is a noise, though I do scoff at the general manager from time to time because really it’s just that ridiculous.

Crazy in love, not with any person so at least things aren’t that bad, though this song is, not the Fifty Shades of Grey version, or the Fifty Shades Darker one. Just another thing to think about, when I was at the store, a day ago this lady came up to me talking about our different tastes in root beer, and other than being annoying I actually thought, if I get famous I won’t have to do this anymore… shopping. From the looks of it Luna, you won’t make me famous but I part of the reason I’m talking to you is that of competition.

Don’t let me die tonight, I’ve never said but reasons I have to stay alive, at the top of the list, my Braxton, but as always somewhere is the thought of revenge. Remember I was all confession at first but now any money that isn’t going towards my new addiction “Saints Row” is going towards my writing and it’s all because of some woman. I don’t want her to hear me but I want everybody else to, I wonder do Jay Z and Beyoncé care that every aspect of their lives are just out there?

Runnin, my mouth that is or my fingers, I’m getting later and later with these my lady but I am trying, though at the moment I am having my fill of women… not in a good way. So what have I learned today… that I wish I could be a loud mouth like some, that most women are crazy and oh yeah this is How I Learned to Hate Beyoncé.