Tag: Day Job

Lesson 207 ~How To Cure Cancer~

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It’s not a secret, but apparently, it is a sin, I’m sure many people out there like or even love their jobs, and as for the rest of us, that’s what a man does, sometimes it means working, sometimes it means lies. How To Cure Cancer, do we, DO WE

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Lesson 207 ~How To Cure Cancer~

“He’s poison for the morale of the unit, and a disaster to the success of this mission.”
― Hot Shots

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore because I saw this coming and I find it funny that I’ve said that if I were to die and come back, I’d like to be a plague so maybe this isn’t my first time at the rodeo. Not my first time being yelled at, being worried about my job amongst other things, my first time staring into the abyss but “you’re cancerous to this team, points for creativity; where to start?

“May my mercy prevail over my wrath” The Walking Dead

I have allowed hatred and wrath to infect me once again; people talk about forgiveness being a cure but time works too and how much of that do I have left? It only took two hours, so I was at the day job, and the general manager was praising the team for a job well done and in appreciation offered to ask the group to lunch. Two hours later as I’m working, he comes over and as is “Cracker Barrel okay” to which I respond “it doesn’t matter, I’m not going,” no means no, right?

So he gives me this look and says “why not, you have something to do” and following one of the weekly goals I say “I’ll find something” talk about being a man for once in my life and people don’t like that not one bit. He went off on me, and I let him, my spine breaking… or maybe not, I still walked out and didn’t go, I have informed HR, and now several people know that a war is coming, talk about “It’s The Good Heat.” So am I apologizing for actually speaking up for myself, my lack of courage at that particular moment or to you for exorcising my demons confessing like this?

The stress is killing me, or so I hope which is yet another one of my sins and my embarrassment, sometimes dare I suggest it men are the weaker of the species, I’m hurting, and I made a mistake of going to WebMD. Appendicitis, hell any real medical emergency and game over for me but other than my usual sleeping and vomiting words I’m okay.

Perhaps this is the sin I must apologize for the most, thinking that this life is okay but how will I know absolution, that’s not something you can give me and not something I will ask for from the man I despise. One more sin before I go, I told Indiana Gone I think I know in the smallest way how some victims of sexual violence feel. The fear of telling, thinking as though you have no choice, just instead of spreading my legs/butt cheeks, this guy wanted me to let him into my mind and that I will not do.

So I’m sorry but I will not die today and though there are many theories to my question, Inspector Echo I’m sorry but I’m Radioactive, and I’m sorry that this virus of fear and hate needs an answer before wondering How To Cure Cancer.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 175 ~Good Morning, Evening, Goodnight~

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No Eve on Christmas Eve so I suppose I only have myself to blame and yet more presents to buy than ever, even with free therapy sessions and that’s “good” right, more friends, more writing, more hope maybe. Good Morning, Evening, Goodnight.

Saturday, December 23, 2017

Lesson 175 ~Good Morning, Evening, Goodnight~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, I’m still not one for Etymology, but if there were a few words, I want to focus on today how about “good,” “Christmas” in particular “Eve” to be honest. How about depression, sorry if that’s my mood as of late, but I’m looking for a quick explanation rather than a manifesto or another full-blown novel, so yes no fear today.

Not like this morning; last night I had a nightmare that’s been echoing in my brain all day, something about me and one of my ex-bosses and going after them… hell, most days I spend my afternoons and evenings trying to forget. Was it a dream, some part reality, I’m sure I wasn’t in the office with Morris Chestnut telling me that my anger was going to get me into trouble. As much as I HATE my job, I still need it, and I’m working on Christmas Eve, only Christmas Eve the whole week which scares me, no fear, I keep forgetting, but I’m always awaiting the bad news truthfully.

What about good, mornings are never, afternoons, evenings, nights, all just spaces of time that are anything but “good,” most often “bad” but what do I classify as “good”? As far as Christmas, every year is even less Christmas than the last, any cookies, movies, music that I tuned out a long time ago, again a space of time that if anything makes me sad. What about Eve, a woman tempted who brought about the dark, no I’m not a theologian either, and I’m too lazy to look up the nuances of the word eve and speaking of lazy what about gifts… I make one lousy friend don’t you think?

Is there such a thing as a “good” patient though, with my depression you should be making a ton Lady Lu, and I will get to pay you to once everything is “good.” Now that is a word I need to define, how about joyful, happy, and then, of course, there is love which brings us back to “it’s the most “wonderful” time of the year” or maybe not, perhaps once upon a time right?

Back when I thought of myself as “good,” again when a sentiment such as good morning wasn’t a lie; when Christmas and or Eve was a time to be alive and not just another day before Good Morning, Evening, Goodnight.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 168 ~Bed Is For Sleeping~

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Don’t we all have our place in the world and if bed wants to be mine who am I to argue, I can rage, rage, all I want from the comfort of my pillow but life has other plans sadly. Bed Is For Sleeping and living is for; does it even matter ha

Saturday, December 16, 2017

Lesson 168 ~Bed Is For Sleeping~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear of missing out on that though, for the past few days, my bed has been the center of my universe, though, besides my faithful dog, there is no sign of intelligent life, let alone living itself. As I was telling Indiana Gone today, I don’t know if it’s depression, sickness, or just plain exhaustion but the mere fact I’m up at all is a miracle, so food helps, surprise, surprise.

Not getting much relief from anything else, talk about being up, it’s been nearly a month now since I went on “hiatus” yes I’ve edged some and hell the longest I’ve ever gone is forty days and then let’s say the flood dissipates. You would think with all my free time I might do something constructive and if you count my day job then yeah but what was it I was saying about my depression? I can’t blame it all on work though, as much as I would like to, I think I’m becoming a sponge, and sooner or later you have to ring it out or throw it away.

Sad that I always have to remind you that I’m not on the path of suicide, trust me when something like that gets to me you’ll know, but I am reaching a threshold when it comes to all this negativity. Darkness infects the real world, and soon there will be fire, but when my fictional universes follow suit, I guess it’s just getting to be a bit too much. It’s as if I have hit a threshold of death and despair but what exactly was I expecting from The Walking Dead and Star Wars: The Last Jedi, I spent my one miracle on today sadly.

Sleep is the one escape from everything though there was one nightmare of being fired and considering my writing career and whatever I may have to do or not do tomorrow. Am I more or less frightened? It’s one thing when you know the gallows are built and ready, another when you have one more day in prison Lady Lu.

Have I even tried to learn anything today, it’s the reason I write down my rules and hoard the mail but even then, what of everything I’ve forgotten by now? There is always more blood, more hurt, more despair and what about fear, when I’m awake, Bed Is For Sleeping.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 167 ~Can Robots Write Stories~

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Robots telling my stories might be a million times better than not finishing and letting people get a hold of it, hell people might never get a hold of it in the traditional sense, since I’m so lazy in writing these days. Can Robots Tell Stories

Friday, December 15, 2017

Lesson 167 ~Can Robots Write Stories~

Hey Lady Sophia,
No Fear, I bleed plenty both on the page and the real deal, and before coming to meet you something else was as hard as steel though I kept the logic not to do anything… okay, so I could be a robot. A pervert, a depraved lunatic, a porn snob but I don’t feel like a robot because I would honestly be on time for something other than The Last Jedi movie.

How much time it must have taken to write such a tale, not to mention the similar histories, theories, what if motifs, I could go on and on and then again maybe not because I have been asleep most of the day. How about the fact that my brand of storytelling or perhaps my inspiration is going to be a high price to pay, considering all this Net Neutrality foolishness that has become so suffused with everyday life. Can I be blamed for not taking my work to print at this time as this Lady Sophia, another excuse I think?

Just like my lack of energy, if only I could run off sunlight. I sleep so many days away without a second thought or a third, not even a fourth. Still, I hear my story echoing in my mind like some incredible “Force.” If I hadn’t mentioned it before, like all this week I went to see Star Wars: The Last Jedi, spoiler alert, can you say love triangle? Not me, I’m too busy building brothels in my dreams, and I thought this whole, “kick” that I’m on was supposed to give a person more energy, at this rate why am I saving that last 5-hour ENERGY, I need help.

No, I need to stop claiming myself to be this Marquis de Sade aficionado, concerned citizen of the world, how about lazy as and just write. Even at work when I told my boss I couldn’t stay later I did so, and for what, I remembered “you put your hand on the plow, you finish the row” but what the hell does that mean to my ambitions and my dreams?

How about the tales dead men tell or don’t for that matter and neither do sleepy, lazy ones, flesh and bone should beat metal, but by the time I ever finish, Can Robots Tell Stories.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 161 ~Hurry Up And Wait~

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What are you waiting, she’s not coming to me anytime soon, neither are millions upon millions of dollars or a legion of adoring fans for a book signing as of late. Hurry Up And Wait, NaNoWriMo was last month, and I think I’ve relaxed enough

Saturday, December 9, 2017

Lesson 161 ~Hurry Up And Wait~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, age is nothing but a number but that number is getting bigger and bigger, and you know some people say to think of it as leveling up but what happens when you level up in a video game? How many times have I just wanted this game to end, not that I’m retaking the suicidal route contrary to popular opinion, hell as if that view is worried about me honestly?

Take a few days ago, my general manager is concerned about me, how I felt like I was right back in school; “It’s Times Like These” I find out how rational a person I am. You see he’s more worried about himself and the rest than my mental health, getting over whatever possible affliction I have going on at the moment. You know me, Luna, I have a million excuses, which again shows why I’m so late talking to you another time, today should have been better considering no work.

That’s what I have to get over, work and that means I should be writing more but instead what have I been doing, what’s today’s excuse… Blue Balls. If anything that is what I’ve been waiting for the longest; to take a page from The Matrix Reloaded vis-à-vis love and of course there is still an opinion, my parents, family, dog, friends, etc. Now, of course, you probably think I’m talking about the love of a woman in a happily ever after sort of way but what comes to mind at this particular moment is loving myself. No, I don’t mean the thirty plus minutes I spent in bed thinking about getting an ice pack for my junk for relief.

Hurry up and wait has only been another excuse, leave that to others but not for me, if you want a car you don’t wait for someone to give you one, you get off your ass and work. You want to eat, it’s the same thing, what about being an aspiring novelist and what about falling in love? No, my dear Luna, this is just a reminder that I have to get up and work and stop thinking about tomorrow, there is no tomorrow, live like there’s no tomorrow, oh yeah that has to be a rule without a doubt.

What I have learned today is even if I can’t keep my head up out there… not yet, I shouldn’t have it down here, just looking at my dick, waiting for a release that I can’t give, no more, I won’t Hurry Up and Wait.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 151 ~Just Another Red Shirt~

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Is it a job, is it a career, is it dream, all I know is, for the most part, it’s a place that I don’t want to be. I don’t have to be, but then again while I obviously don’t care for my own life, my son likes eating most days. “Just Another Red Shirt”

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Lesson 151 ~Just Another Red Shirt~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear, though if I quit my job today, there would be plenty, of course, it didn’t matter when I was just another red shirt, I’ll give you a point if you get that reference though I don’t particularly feel funny today. There are plenty of places I can go on the subject of humiliation, sadly though I can’t go to HR and the unemployment line, I need this job, now more than ever but that doesn’t make it right does it?

I should probably save this for Lady Sophia, but I finished NaNoWriMo today and needless to say I will need to keep my day job now for now and it might also help if I get a decent night’s sleep. Remember Arby’s; there was pretty much no way to avoid the madness getting to me, the anger, sleep deprivation and here I am talking to you because I’ve been doing nothing but wasting my time. No, I don’t mean with you but with today, and right now I just feel so hallow you know, just give me a shovel and start digging because we know what’s going to happen with this novel now don’t we?

Anyway so I’m at work, and the general manager is just getting into me you know, I’m okay with being a fool, calling myself stupid but it utterly destroys me when other people do it you know. Worst is the fact that I decided to tell the truth… okay, not the whole truth then I would be fired but enough and what do I look like to you Inspector Echo, a fucking comedian. Yeah, where was that language when I honestly needed it today, but nobody wants the truth, we all want to believe, we all want just to hope.

Live For A Better Tomorrow, is the last chapter of my book, but didn’t somebody once say to write what you know and all I know is I know nothing which is something that I choose to apply to my day job and my dream. Both waste today without a doubt but at least tomorrow I’ll be humiliated yet again, and the other one will just be a disappoint truly.

So what am I asking forgiveness for, wasting so much time, being bereft of hope or just knowing right now I’m Just Another Red Shirt.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 146 ~Staying In The Black~

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Black all around us, I do mean words on the page, the time, along with my day job making all sorts of money because according to my paycheck I’m not in the slightest and yet I carry on with this farce of a book. “Staying In The Black” a while longer.

Friday, November 24, 2017

Lesson 146 ~Staying In The Black~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Tomorrow is another day, and I just don’t know, okay maybe I do know, but I don’t want to admit it, and I won’t give it words because I am so exhausted my fault of course besides work. As musical inclined as I am “Everyday I Write The Book,” and I’m nearly there if you can believe that; according to NaNoWriMo, I need an estimate of 2,200 words to finish on schedule and then what comes next.

I honestly have no idea, Lady Sophia, as it is most possibly the worse thing I have ever written and you know that’s saying a lot, not to mention I feel me and Dante Alighieri should have a conversation, seriously I feel half dead already. Should I be proud that I have given up nearly everything on this whim, that may never see the light of day, but that’s just it isn’t it, not just my life I am wasting anymore you know when you create characters and really when you know how people blather in everyday life incessantly. Am I indeed a coward, you’re damn right I am, but I am trying because with my story I am doing.

There was a movie that said I think when you save a life, you must take responsibility for it, the same as when you create a life, what sort of parent will I be, of course you know who to ask when it comes to that. If anything living is quite a cost, you pay with blood, sweat, and tears, and I could tell you plenty about that with everything that has happened this month, dammit I survived Black Friday and regardless of my wasted efforts, I have done what I set out to do at least for today. Maybe I shouldn’t worry so much about tomorrow, but you know me, so does “Indiana Gone,” and I can’t turn back now, I can’t give up, seriously Sophia I’m this close.

We’re talking six days, and there you have it, set life, yeah, I couldn’t say that with a straight face if I think this book is every going anywhere besides some long lost file right? It’s already so late, and you know tomorrow will be another long one which means getting up early, sad that waking up to my day job is how I am always Staying In The Black.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 137 ~Love A Bad Name~

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And you are again, you’ll have to forgive me, having forgotten myself some time ago how can I be expected to remember anyone else, well besides the dog at least. Love A Bad Name, really what’s in a name anyway?

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Lesson 137 ~Love A Bad Name~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear, I know your name but more often than not, I have no clue who I am and so in a way it doesn’t matter who anybody else is I suppose. Isn’t that me being a philosopher rather than just saying, I got really bad anxiety and while I can remember in great detail while I hate a man, dude I can’t remember his name to save my life, which is fine since the humiliation makes me want to die anyway.

Recently it was the day job, and it seems like everything was conspiring against me to learn this new guy’s name, nametag always out of view, too much noise, and “hey you” isn’t polite, is it. It always gets worse, I’m sure I once talked about how everyone called me Mr. Willie for years until I went on a rant to HR, not one of my finer moments. You need another example, I didn’t know my grandmother’s name was Marie forever, so people would call asking for her and I’d tell them they had the wrong number in her own place I mean just seriously.

Now if you want to talk about all the things that I have been called over the years… even with all that I still hate my given name, *ahem* Lesson 056 ~Respect/Respeck On My Name~ but you know I am a man of contradiction. If I can’t correct somebody on my own name how the hell am I supposed to remember theirs, not that I intend to be friends even at work, my motto is, if you want something done right, do it yourself. Speaking of which I’m still meaning to go on that rant at one of the meetings but strangely enough, I need a few big names there to have the right zing.

I at least was going to say I was never a bully but there was this guy I hated as a kid and this lady asked me who I was talking to and I said, “not much” as I scoffed at him, yes Inspector Echo remind me to pick up a copy of “How to Win Friends and Influence People” Here’s another thing, the fact that one can think themselves so ugly that they seek infamy to be known for something other than their face?

I am sorry that names seem to escape me, as the song goes, “I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name” or I’ve been at the house with a dog and no cares. You know that’s going to end come Black Friday, so aren’t we all sorry because with so many new people, Love A Bad Name.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 080 ~Keep Calm, the Epidemic~

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I would say I’m tired of trying to “Keep Calm”, stay afraid okay, keep sane, well I like to pretend, but how about “Stay Alive” one move night will be The Hunger Games but calm wow. Keep Calm the Epidemic, the world I don’t think is able to

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Lesson 080 ~Keep Calm, the Epidemic~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear and yet there has been no release but didn’t we discuss yesterday that it does not make sense to ignore the fear, acknowledge it, accept it, and then do what you must. Sometimes though, I feel… it is more a curse nowadays “feeling” but I feel and of every emotion, I seek to own, calm is one of those that alludes me except when sleeping.

It’s as if I’m in a rush to the graveyard and “afraid” that there will not be a spot for me, keeping in mind my day job makes me feel dead already but without it, I would actually be, some people might call that obsessive wouldn’t you agree? You know I have been simply trying to survive these days of “Sapphire” and I nearly have, until today I felt I was gaining control and now… Honestly today I was again practicing my speech which would be all rant, tell me this why does my daily life, give me everything but calm, indeed why don’t you tell me how zombies feel.

How should “Laura” feel in the movie “Dogging: A Love Story/Public Sex “when she was surrounded by all those men who were seeking to “ravish” her when all she truly desire was to be with “Dan”? How about, well there was such a cavalcade of characters in “Virgin Territory” but I would not call one of them calm, there world made it no reason to be. What about “Day of the Dead”, after you see some of the stuff that they had to go through, the idea of being calm, okay, safe, just goes out the window, just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Butch: “You okay?”

Marsellus: “Naw man. I’m pretty fuckin’ far from okay.” Pulp Fiction (1994)

I guess as you can see I had another movie night with “Indian Gone” but my point is how does anyone keep calm in such circumstances, drugs, coffee, and as I said sleep which means I can’t even enjoy what calmness I happen to find. Just so you realize how stupid I sound, what brought on this tirade, simply put I didn’t see my name on the work schedule for next week and I’m all about conspiracy, what gives hmm…

“Just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean people aren’t following me.” Harlan, Eight Legged Freaks (2002)

So what have I learned today, other than I live voraciously through others, making my life seem insignificant and then again if anything were to happen to this lifestyle of mine, Keep Calm the Epidemic?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 040 ~Do Better Next Time~

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Tell me you’ll do better next time and I’ll believe you, almost makes me crack up and I believe you or I believe in you is a story for another time. Do Better Next Time, if such a time does come?

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Lesson 040 ~Do Better Next Time~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, I’ll do better next time, you know one of these days I’m going to make a list of the words and phrases I hate the most in the English language but today it’s these four simple words. You know you only get one chance at a first impression and today I think I blew one, okay two, probably a few more I wasn’t that observant.

“I’ll do better next time.

German.

I’ll do better next time.

Italian.

I’ll do better next time.

Spanish.

Spanish.

Did you really want me to snap your neck?” Hanna (2011)

I’m still thinking with that old world mentality that I’m not sure I’ll even see tomorrow so why bother doing my best, even when it comes to you Lady Lu, when will I see you again or I’ll do better next time. Ironically isn’t that why I should try my best because it’s with this I’ll be remembered; give me a reason to stay here, with all my work I don’t want my parents getting rich off me at some point. Another reason not to mince words and say whatever I feel… yeah, I’m afraid.

Maybe I’m just an idiot you know, I mean however are you supposed to introduce yourself to someone when you don’t really know yourself. That’s no secret, it’s just I like to think I know parts of myself, the gross parts according to some, yet another reason I hate looking in the mirror, hell I didn’t know who I would meet today. Isn’t everybody in the same boat when that comes to me, you know better than anyone my friend.

Isn’t that what I’m always talking about, evolving and like any mutant this is not always welcome and it can be a far within as easily as a fight without but once you make that first impression… Well I think everything else comes off as an impersonation but then again at least I’m honest, a bad type of honest sadly.
“And I doubt you’ve ever dared to love anybody that much. And look at you… I don’t see an intelligent, confident man… I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you’re a genius, Will. No one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you.” Good Will Hunting

Speaking of honesty do you know how many times I have rehearsed my tirade for my coworkers only to say nothing at all when the time comes. Hell in a way it’s good to know I’m not alone in this, I’ll do better next time when it comes to working.

At the rate things are going at work I will have plenty of opportunities to have a first impression and I will have some people so confused; I’m not much of a trainer in the day job aspect. Going back to the dirty I could tell you exactly what I want who I am but even role play might be a symptom of something, maybe, you think? With the first impressions maybe I should go wreck a few more across the board, it might help me get over the last impression I gave Ms. Seasons.

You should have seen me this morning Luna, I should have seen myself but I felt that overwhelming dread, just like when there was all that trouble with “Senseless” for days on end I was just stomping hard as if I could crush the memory, caveman. I wonder what sort of impression I give off to animals, these days I’m so scared as to how Braxton sees me. Here’s a start, I see myself as his father, no ifs, and, or buts, only if I am anything like my father I’m pretty screwed; these final impressions can be pretty bad.

Not that Braxton is going anywhere of course except to the groomers, I still wonder how the people at PetSmart see me, I mean no one wants to be looked at as the negligent parent. With how many ticks they have pulled off of him, what do I think about, I’ll do better next time but sometimes we don’t have the luxury of a next time, do it right first.

“Your “best”! Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.” John Mason, The Rock

How about we forget about meeting people and just think about the general everyday interaction, for example, this guy I saw who helped these women in Walmart. What about how hard it is to remember all these things I’ve been trying to teach myself and put them together into something that passes for a human.

I’m not so upset about the store because of those women, I saw were of no interest to me but I do like to think of myself as a gentleman, look at that, dog dad, gentleman, things that nobody gets from me the first time around. Anyway so this guy, old guy helps these women with a big carton of water, I just had to admit that the man has class, or maybe I’m digging too deep into this. Who knows if they’ll ever meet again but the fact is, how do you think they saw this guy if I was so impressed with him?

To this day I can tell you about the first brunette that ever got to me and after her, well there has never been any other type of girl for me. Was it simply the look of her, her kindness, her voice, her eyes, I mean everything and nothing, so you don’t have to ask me why it hurt so much, by comparison, Ms. Seasons was… anyway, this first brunette back in junior college nearly got me kicked out of school. The more things change, and our final impressions of each other, what she thought of me, I honestly don’t want to remember because it will be so much worse.

So what have we learned today, repeating history, first impressions are everything and confusing to those around us but even worse when there is a battle within. Lady Lu, to be fair today was a bit easier but I’m not where I need to be, I’ll Do Better Next Time.

I Will Have No Fear