Cat Man, Black Man, Wow

Wakanda Forever, to think I’m a black man that doesn’t like my people most of the time but this movie was a fun time in every sense. Though I am not one of the blind followers, but who’s reading, just see Black Panther. “Cat Man, Black Man, Wow”

I’m not sure there is enough praise, from astounding to zen-like for Black Panther and I choose wow. How could I do this movie justice and would it not be adding my admiration to the chorus of so many others? I could also go for all the drama and ideology from some regarding this movie and let me start by saying that just being an African American man has nothing to do with it and I can’t call myself a comic book nerd, just saying.

If anything as much as Chadwick Boseman and Michael B. Jordan did in this movie, you have to give it up for the ladies; sexy, seductive, and sensational, and personally, I’m having a hard time deciding between Lupita Nyong’o as Nakia and Letitia Wright as Shuri. Bring everybody to see this kid-friendly but enough to keep a grown man on the edge of his seat not to mention all of the stunningly beautiful visuals. As for the “Tolkien White Guys,” they were superb as well though there is one significantly glaring aspect that I think everyone is ignoring but what can I say Wakanda Forever.

Okay Fandango has been appeased so let me get a little more real with the rest of you, first and foremost I’m not your typical black guy, the only other Chadwick Boseman film I’ve seen is Marshall, and that’s because I got free tickets. I saw Captain America: Civil War because of all the hype surrounding it but Black Panther I’ve been excited about since the announcement came around. I don’t find myself agreeing with “my people” half the time, my whole life I haven’t been black enough but that’s another story, and finally, Black Panther gets one of his own, nearly devoid of other heroes, end credits, stay put.

Again there were plenty of heroes in the whole life of Wakanda, dare I say one too many maybe but I’m getting to that, but in all, I’m proud both as an African American, a Marvel fan, and just a moviegoer, I saw it twice. In case you’ve been under a rock, Black Panther is the story of the newly crowned king of the futuristic African nation Wakanda, T’Challa/Black Panther.

That right there blew me away which is indeed a sad fact, since the reason we want kids to go out and see this movie is the portrayal of positive black role models and showing a side of Africa even fictional that shows greatness and nobility. It’s a thin line considering how depictions of Africa are often but to add this incredible sci-fi universe and continue to embrace the traditions of the people and continent, incorporating all of it together.

As I am with the ladies, which battle I found more epic has me split. The ritual fight scenes and environments, yes CG but it didn’t matter I was mesmerized, and those fights might have been more incredible than Black Panther’s suit no offense. The Casino scene though, a great battle but just the idea of three black individuals and not that it hasn’t shown up before but T’Challa, Nakia, and Okoye just pounding away on a bunch of criminals, no suit, no guns, and no freaking mercy. Now the final fight and oh yes spoiler alert that’s what took me out of the movie a bit though and I can’t say this enough, but it was astounding and with a humorous moment or two.

There was plenty to laugh at most of the jokes were on point, maybe one or two just today’s pop culture such as “what are those” and the video Shuri was recording that you know would end up on YouTube. I think I’m starting to decide more on Shuri now, funny, intelligent, hot as Hell, though I know many women will side more with Danai Gurira/Okoye for her strength, I swear is there anything that Danai Gurira can’t do, guns, swords, spear, etc. I can’t leave the quiet moments out with Angela Bassett/ Ramonda/Queen Mother trying to protect both of her children Shuri and T’Challa or how about Daniel Kaluuya/ W’Kabi, Winston Duke/ M’Baku, there was not one single bad performance in this film honestly.

There were lessons to, that I think some might miss based only on race, for example, Wakanda’s policies reminded me of this America First mentality, and that the youth can and will lead, and how can one man be free if all men are not free. Personally, I saw myself siding with Erik Killmonger for most of the film, maybe he didn’t have the best ideas to “save the world,” but he made his points.

Now, this is where the rubber meets the road I have two facts that need to be made clear, the first isn’t so terrible but the second is going to make a lot of people mad like that’s anything new. Just know I truly enjoyed this film, I plan on getting it as soon as it’s available, hell speaking of points I could see it (without 3D) for free, and I paid twice. Also if you don’t want any spoilers, time to turn away and I might make someone mad.

My first point which isn’t much, black on black violence, a usual talking point for the alt-right and no I’m not talking about the ritual combat which I found to be exhilarating, heroic, and noble; I mean the civil war. In a movie that has brought about so much black unity in reality, that showed 4 out of five tribes in Africa united there still was a war, Black Panther and Killmonger were one thing, but again it’s demonstrated that black people all over can’t get along because of our differences. Now King T’Challa at the United Nations pushed for unity across the globe which was one of the best lessons, but I wonder about the battle of the three tribes is it just forgotten?

Okay, the highest point is the final battle the objective was to keep Wakanda’s weapons from getting out, Black Panther had to reclaim the throne in the long run I understand, those that sided with Killmonoger needed to be defeated and hello ladies. The thing is who was stopping the weapons, who was “saving the world,” who risked himself and fulfilled the primary objective… survey says; Martin Freeman/ Everett K. Ross, the white man. Just once, just one freaking time I want any minority to save the world, to protect themselves without a white man playing the pivotal role, and I’m sure there is some movie that it’s happened but ladies and gentlemen this is not it, despite my praise.

Everyone was playing there role I understand Shuri wanting to fight alongside her brother, Nakia and her love, Okoye and her troops but seeing as how they left the Queen Mother, hell give Angela Basset something to do with it. In all a fabulous movie by Marvel, allow me to sound like a little kid and say I want to be Black Panther, okay more like Killmonger, so Wakanda Forever, Cat Man, Black Man, Wow.

Lesson 261 ~Be Who My Dog Deserves~

Who’s a good dog, if he doesn’t know that by now then I am honestly no type of father and despite all my failures, being the man that he needs me to be is something that I can not afford to fail, not ever. “Be Who My Dog Deserves”

Monday, March 19, 2018

Lesson 261 ~Be Who My Dog Deserves~

Twenty-Fourth Rule Madam Justice

I Am Not Fine Today but that doesn’t matter now does it, because when you love it merely means you put them ahead of you and the more love you give, the more returns to you or so I’ve been told that’s how it works. Think about it, most pets have four legs, birds have wings, other pets have their qualities, and yet they say that a dog is man’s best friend; such real words.

“All I know is that the boy was my charge. And if he was not the word of God. Then God never spoke.” The Road

Sometimes I ask myself, what great sin did this dog have to commit, earning his lot in life; I remember begging and pleading with my father for a dog, and sure my sister and I had my grandma’s dogs, but here my sister never mentioned a dog ever. Next thing I know my father walks in with this few pounds of fluff for her; I raised him, I did all I could do, and when the time came to move it wasn’t a question, just get in the car. We have fought side by side, bled together, same enemies, saved each other’s lives, and perhaps one of my greatest sins is that he turned out to be like me, which begs the question, what on Earth have I done wrong?

“He’d grown up just like me
My boy was just like me” ― Harry Chapin, Cat’s In The Cradle (1974)

I know I’ve said that I pretended that my future wife is watching me and I want to be better because maybe if I am; if I can be that man I may be able to find her finally. At my age I know I’m not ready to be her boyfriend, her man, her husband. Then again I wasn’t prepared to be a father, to think I scoffed when I watched all the other kids with the “Pumped Up Kicks” including my sister making babies and despite everything, I could say I wasn’t making such decisions, taking such risks, and somehow that made me better. Only I have Madam Justice, I have when it comes to my dog, and I have to make it right which means as the song goes I must be The Best Man I Can Be.

He just made Level 13 on February 13 and as I often tell “Indiana Gone,” “I love him like pancakes,” and I look forward to him being Level 20 and beyond but I’m not stupid for once; he has a heart murmur, he’s developing cataracts. The vet says surgery is risky but if there is a chance? All I know is I can’t name five humans that I love or love me that equal him. I love him enough that every day I even ask him, “are you a happy puppy, is this your best life,” I want him to meet my family one day. I need him to know that I’ll be okay that as I loved him, he saved me but most importantly of all I need to Be Who My Dog Deserves.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 255 ~A Love Of Learning~

Wise men say, only fools rush in, so why aren’t I rushing at my age and it doesn’t look like I’m going to inherit millions, upon millions of dollars anytime soon, not that I have ever wanted the bimbo type. A Love Of Learning

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Lesson 255 ~A Love Of Learning~

“I’m not a smart man… but I know what love is.” Forrest Gump

Dear Future Wife,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, I think love makes fools of us all, and at the end of the day I suppose I would rather be a fool than a coward, and I know, trust me I know I do that all the time. You know what makes me a genius, what makes me a man, a smart one at that, is somehow or another we’re together.

“Oh, I didn’t dare look at you, you were so beautiful. It was scary. Afterwards, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. It made me smile. And then I thought of all the men who would get to hold you, who would make you laugh… how lucky they were. And now I’m the one lying next to you.” ― Vassili Zaitsev, Enemy at The Gates (2001)

I think you know by now that smart girls are my type or would you prefer I call you pretty for the billionth time, it’s not every girl that gets a man to pick up a dictionary, a thesaurus, the works of Rumi. Yeah, I’m no builder, my angel, as Elton John put it “If I was a sculptor, but then again, no.” I couldn’t build you a Heaven, even if I wanted to, but I swept you off your feet so that I could raise you high enough that I felt I could never reach you. Is this my way of saying you’re complicated, Math is that and more, understanding me, babydoll you must be something else, but you, I give you my life, it started for a minute, and here we are still.

“Who says I’m trying to look prettier? Maybe I want to look smart or kind or funny.” ― A Kingdom Divided Against Itself, Containment (2016)

Can I call myself a nerd, a geek, you probably think I’m a dork when I say I want a Ron and Hermione type of love, “Glenn and Maggie,” Peeta and Katniss, Ron wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, we saw Glenn’s brains… and Peeta went crazy. I’m probably not going to be the one to help our children with homework, and I pray that they get your mind for things, hell they might save the world one day. Whoever saves one life, saves the world entire I’ve heard, so maybe I am wrong when I suggested that love makes fools of us and as you are trying to get me to admit I might be smarter than I realize, as smart as you…

I wasn’t brave enough, strong enough, inspired enough to make it through college but to have the girl of my dreams, I found a way. Where there’s a WILL, there’s a way, and I won’t ever say it’s wrong to want to know you, to want to know me, to know us. I want to know what love is, I want you to show me, yes I learned how to work all this new technology but you and me, my love that is A Love Of Learning.
I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 248 ~Four Feet of Furry~

I asked a friend once did they think my dog referred to me as Dad or even dearest human, she was the first person he liked that wasn’t in my immediate family the people that raised me. “Four Feet of Furry,” how I tried my best with my fur baby.

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

Lesson 248 ~Four Feet of Furry~

Dear Future Wife,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore; I suppose I can’t afford to be, though our children always tend to age us and how about the time it took me to find you, my love. We even gave time, “A Second Hand,” I’m not sure if that’s a dad joke or our kids will get it yet, but I like to think that this one does, that head tilt.

Yeah, I was a single father before I met you, adopting this bundle of joy… I wouldn’t go that far, but this is my kid, my son, my fur baby and Cupid himself. I’ve always said that the first girl he could stand would be the woman for me… I guess I let him down in that regard but then there was you, and what can I say, you never gave up on him on either of us just saying. If he shows to any degree what kind of father I am, the man that I am going to have to be, there’s no one else I would rather have by my side; I mean you and him both honestly.

If I can chase those four little paws around for thirteen years, and then some then a baby should be a piece of cake right… no more mammoth naps but I can hear my little one cry over anything and if there is anything I’ve learned in this world humans can be a lot more vocal. I hope so; it scares me to think how much he’s like me and to have another son that takes after me, or a daughter with your beauty and my charming personality… I think between the three of us; the kids will be alright; three and a half hopefully.

“If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope he’s not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world
With arms wide open” With Arms Wide Open

I’m always quoting a song but how about the idea I wish I found you sooner so I could love you longer, my best friend saw me in my early twenties, and we haven’t been apart longer than three months. I promised him he would be part of a real family and while his position on the bed might come into question he has plenty to choose from thanks to us, the things four feet can do, don’t you think?

Does he think I’m a good dad, do you think I’m a good husband, god I want to be, I want to be the person my dog thinks I am, maybe he knows I’m ready, love comes in all shapes and sizes and with his, all Four Feet Of Furry.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 185 ~Nice Guys Finish Last~

Love will find you, not if you never go anywhere and I probably should have made that another resolution, to get out more because I’m so far behind as is, sorry but your princess is in another castle, or so they say. “Nice Guys Finish Last”

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Lesson 185 ~Nice Guys Finish Last~

Dear Future Wife,
No Fear, the princess always gets rescued in the end, as if you needed it, though I ask myself, however, did I find my way to Heaven, you are an angel, right? Yeah and I’m no nice guy though my mother raised a gentleman, so it’s a miracle I found you at all, at the closing of the year or the beginning.

I doubt it was a new year’s kiss, though I look forward to every one of ours now that we have found each other. Math was never my strong suit, and neither is a history anymore and don’t get me started on PE, but with you, I want to know everything and for the first time in my life I find myself late for something. If anything I was late loving you, and for that, I apologize but is it the journey or the destination that matters in truth babe?

On the one hand, I’m the first, the last, the only, to be your husband and you’re my wife, so I think we both deserve the gold there, and we have evidence of that. We both have something to do with our sweetest creation. Once upon a time, I was busy. Writing about you, dreaming of you, trying to please you; well, I don’t mind finishing last there, but then you were late, and well there’s history. What about the day we met, the look on your face when we first kissed, the man I was before all of this, no it wasn’t the journey it’s the destination, you’re here.

Then again, how long did it take to kiss you, how long until the first I love you, the first fight, makeup, it’s been a long road getting from there to here and shall we talk about geography as well? One more year, what’s one more year to us, I want tomorrow, Valentine’s, birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, and new year’s tell me where you’ll be the day after, will I be chasing after you or not.

I will stand before you against any and all but when it comes to this house, our children, even the dog, and undoubtedly you I guess I don’t mind being in dead last. Perhaps I am a fool, but love makes fools of us all and Nice Guys Finish Last.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 026 ~You Remind Me Of~

You remind me of my jeep, well not really, and I’m not really comparing anyone to a summer’s day, though that’s something I can’t forget these days. You Remind Me Of… I’m not sure yet considering this is mostly jibber-jabber.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Lesson 026 ~You Remind Me Of~

Hey Lady Lu,
No R. Kelly is not a good role model either, though I am reminded of the Harmonic War of yesteryear, a bad time, only today’s lesson is being reminded. So many things in the world today are reminding us of what we need to be, should be, what we should aspire to be but I’m looking behind.

“I am wandering inside, wandering through my past, trying to see if there is a place there strong enough to hold me. — After The War

I told you before I’m looking for some male role model and yeah shouldn’t I try being myself… whenever you meet that man be sure to let me know Lu. Ned Flanders is one side of the spectrum and maybe Le Marquis de Sade is the other side, and I’m still keeping the moniker “Marquis de Joker” though I’m sure that’s been ruined. If you asked who I wanted to be today, Donovan ‘Van’ Ray a.k.a. Van Strummer, from Fastlane.

Even in today’s world that would be wrong, I was talking to “Okay” and sort of reminiscing on how the world used to be, the things expected of us. Isn’t that part of the problem right there, the world has so many ideas that here I am looking for myself and if I listened to everyone else I would be torn apart. The rack my lady, we are supposed to stretch to encompass every idea and at the same time, we have to keep those ideas to ourselves other than risk tearing everybody else apart.

Talking to you Luna reminds me when the world was once simpler… okay so it never was but we both can agree that it’s only grown more complicated right? All the world wants me to know now is I’m not good enough to live in it… suicidal, probably but not like I’m anxious to do anything about it for now.

“The Multiverse, every universe in it, is irrational, sloppy. I try to make it rational. I try to make it neat. You call it murder. How can I murder myself 123 times? I just took those wasted energies and transferred them to one container: me. What if that is our fate? To unite with ourselves, to be unified forever. To be one. I will be The One.” The One (2001)

Luna why can’t you remind me of a time I was once at peace with myself, whole and one, yeah I keep finding the pieces of me, trying to kill off the others but such a period never existed. I’m constantly reminded of my failures, selective memory again maybe because when’s the last time I was reminded of something good?

He reminds me of how helpless I am, you know who I’m talking about, “The Abomination” it’s been a long time since I’ve called him that, my father of course. Another reminds me of the monster I still have inside of me, the monster I could become, my poor Braxton still sitting in his room because I’m so upset. Still, so many others remind me of the man… well, I don’t know, personally, I don’t want to be any sort of man like them but they are better aren’t they?

She reminds me of a girl I once knew, of a girl I wanted to know, probably of a girl that never existed except in my mind and as the song goes, where is my mind? What about my mom, haven’t talked to her since… I can’t pick out a good feeling, going for food makes me feel pathetic, showing off the car was more fear of my father. What about Ms. Seasons that reminded me I’m all sorts of skeevy, did I even mention the incident yesterday, the things I can’t forget, the things I actually want to be reminded of, scary isn’t it.

Only that’s just biology, not a doubt in my mind what I want, how easily I’m reminded of a beautiful woman and the things I would do, “Shusaku”, “Isaku”, Kojin Taxi, I swear I’m looking for something appropriate. Something to remind me not of let’s say better, but that I’m not as bad as I sometimes want to believe Luna.

It sucks when you don’t want to be reminded of the things that make you feel the most like you but again who am I? I see gray hairs, I hear the cracking of my bones and I’m reminded that I’m not so young anymore, and what about the things I want to be reminded of, just to keep existing.

They remind me that I’m not wanted there, family and coworkers, there is no place for me amongst them anymore or even before. I’m reminded that I can be scary and that I can be full of fear myself, trying to save the neighbor’s dog again, the dog was scared and so was I. The stares, the body language of everyone when I arrive somewhere that I’m just not like them and that I will never be, no matter what.

Just yesterday I was reminded of my old car, listening to “Indiana” complain about hers, is it bad to be reminded that other people have problems and you can just go along. I know I can still play the hero as I said, the neighbor’s dog, I did the right thing regardless of my plans and I even showed innovation. How about that the idea that I can surprise myself cooking for a woman, it was only rice but yes I’m reminded while things get worse, there are things to look forward to if they are enough.

Lady Luna remind me next time to be more cheerful or make more sense because I know these last chats of ours have been nothing more than jibber-jabber. What have I learned today other than the fact life itself reminds me of nothing at all, maybe because there is nothing like it but Luna You Remind Me Of…

My Enemy Within

Biology… the mere thought makes me want to vomit blood, and the sight but more importantly the knowledge of such blood makes me wish I was never born. My Enemy Within… and I know now that it’s not me and not even within anymore but without anyone.

My enemy within
If only I could see
Begin again

How my eyes do descend
Who’s scorn would it be
My enemy within

Who, what, where, and when
Stop, I plead
Begin again

Defend
Not a possibility
My enemy within

Because of him
Who’s your daddy?
Begin again

It never ends
Him, you, and me
My enemy within
Begin again

Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Some People, NOT Me

Do I still question how they see me; to be honest they barely do anymore except the occasional text to see that I’m still above ground, still they’re dirty little secret, even from myself nowadays. “Some People, NOT Me”, I’m my own worse critic.

Some people… more than one
Laugh and fear and hate… me
For fun?
My crime is making a “we”
When I’m they’re son
Not the whole world, see

Just some people… not just a few
Over twenty-seven years
Make it their mission for me to lose
The cause of all my tears
Should have been born blue
Maybe I wouldn’t get the sneers

Of some people… more than a dozen
Flesh and blood, a “family”
Mommy, Daddy, Sister, Cousin
Don’t make me happy
Brothers, sisters, all the others
Skin like theirs… no one like me

Because of some people… not most
Look at me, like a diseased rat
Make me doubt, so I don’t know
And tear me down with their attacks
Hate my birth and make me want to go
Not Muslims, Republicans, I’m talking at

But some people… and not the whole damn world
Those from royalty, to slavery, to today, and me
Ashamed and filled with hate for sure
And why shouldn’t I be
Say I’m worthless and I’m no good
The man in the mirror, that I see

Some people won’t understand
They and I are enemies
Dare I say, “I AM A MAN”?
Who is it that cannot see?
My character they cannot stand
And who am I supposed to be
“You people” won’t understand
Some People, NOT Me

Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

 

Lesson 011 ~That’s Not a Compliment~

If you told me I was a good person I would be waiting for the but what, and if you insulted me, figures, something backhanded though truly irks me. That’s Not a Compliment, not that I get many at all and why should I believe you at all

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Lesson 011 ~That’s Not a Compliment~

Hey Lu,
It’s not a compliment that the first time I thought of you in years was when I was having a crisis, for that I’m sorry but I promise this isn’t going to be one of my most apologetic lessons. I suppose it’s not a compliment to be so down all of the time either and expect you to pick up the pieces and yet here we are together.

What about it’s not a compliment to be named the quietest one in school, what was that the sixth grade maybe? It’s not a compliment to be thought of as so stupid that your parents actually wanted to pay somebody off to take your take home final exam now, is it? The same goes for cheating another final exam to pass a grade, hell I was smart enough to do it but I wouldn’t have had a chance in Hell otherwise and that’s a fact.

Lady Lu it’s not a compliment to have so many enemies that you get called into the office by three of them, saying you’re upset because they’re better at sports… back when my word was good and for the record, everybody was better than me at sports. Well not running and that takes me back to say that it’s not a compliment to be called a fast runner because you spend most of your days running from whoever wants to kick your ass that week. On that note that was until I was voted most likely to snap, now while other people’s fear is sort of a turn on and it was my own fault it’s still not complimentary really.

Neither is it to be the guy that all your classmates try to pick off for a class project because you were thought to be some sort of a smarty-pants. How about when the teacher would call me professor or the time I burst into tears in French class and suddenly my teacher wants to intervene and call it a job well done that day.

Now I know you’re probably wondering what brought all this on and first Luna I would have to say that the more things change the more they stay the same. Secondly, I’m trying to find the line you know, I went all “Cousin Skeevy” yes I know the day is coming where I won’t remember that incident, though to be honest I actually might have an idea about that maybe.

Okay maybe some people are trying to be nice but being called dependable and responsible just so people can use *cough* work *cough* is not a good thing. Being placated by my employer or being expected to call my olds something breaks down because I’m too stupid to do anything about it myself. What about when people say you do something well just trying to be nice but don’t I know better, so many conspiracies.

What about what line not to cross, I have yet to read an erotic novel where the guy wasn’t so hardcore criminal, mafia somebody, or billionaire, okay I read the darker ones but those guys can get away with saying anything. Speaking of which is my “Cousin Skeevy” idea, the best ideas come in the shower and I was thinking about completely revamping my blog, I swear getting angry and the spirit of competition with oh what’s her face. Anyway, Cousin Skeevy will be the pages for my well, skeevy writing… strange I want to be read and at the same time not being read is making me somewhat bold.

Did I mention being called skeevy is not a compliment of course but considering what I want to call some girls in the bedroom; excuse me for getting into “ExCoGi”. Isn’t that another thing, it’s not a compliment to know who you are and not like the person you are, think I said that before.

Personally when you have a face like mine and a myriad of illnesses, Social Anxiety, Bipolar Depression and the like anything you say is liable to come off as an insult and not a sweet sentiment. Don’t get me wrong I never wanted to be one of those guys “catcalling” as it were, anxiety sucks but the internet can be a pretty bad place right?

Besides the whole incident let’s see, I said something about a friend’s… assets and she immediately erased the comment, still “friends” with her but haven’t heard anything from her since. There was another woman, I was truly generous with but of course, let’s be honest Luna, I have a thing for brunettes and I know exactly what I was trying. The worse was probably this MILF I met outside the store once, she was having a hard time and needed some cash so I gave her five bucks, now I would have given her more but why do you suppose that is, what would I have wanted from her then?

Before the “incident” let’s just say I was looking up interracial parking lot “stories” though after such and such happened I’ve been on hiatus. So what about that song “How Do You Talk to an Angel” first rule, don’t be me, yet another thing that has me ticked off, I’ve been avoiding most of my friends because anything I say or do is likely to come off as, say it with me Luna “skeevy” and I already told you I’m trying to find that line. Oh, I found it before, it’s not a compliment to be the guy all the other guys come to, asking me to write poetry so they can get girls and I don’t have one myself.

So what have I learned today… maybe they were right giving me that quietest award because that was the same year I met Angela and what happened there? If anything the lesson is I can’t take a compliment or it’s better to be insulted because coming from most people I know That’s Not a Compliment.

Lesson 010 ~With A Little Help from My Friends~

If you can’t be loved be liked if not be respected, if not be invisible and barring all other alternatives you can always be feared. With A Little Help from My Friends, maybe it won’t ever come to that, though a fear of losing me

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Lesson 010 ~With A Little Help from My Friends~

Hey Lu,
I get by with a little help from my friends… not that I’m trying to follow pop culture this week but I fell asleep watching EWW Planet of the Apes, so naturally I have to get it out. To begin properly when I talk about friends I would scoff and say “what friends” but yeah I have a few actually.

“Introduce you to my friends I got to see if you notice
If they loyal or if they all got an ulterior motive” Take A Walk With Me, Joe Budden

I find that people that often claim, loyalty, honesty, integrity, patriotism, often have no clue what those words mean and the same goes with a friend. Don’t get me wrong I’m no better than anybody else, especially when it comes to ulterior motive… I swear one day Luna I’m going to get through a day without remembering the incident but yeah I did have a motive or just high hopes. I knew nothing was going to come of it but I can dream can’t I but I don’t find I dream about friends too often and family is more often than not a nightmare but let’s start with how I will define “friend” for real.

“I need your help. I can’t tell you what it is, you can never ask me about it later, and we’re gonna hurt some people.

…Whose car are we gonna’ take?” – The Town (2010)

This right here is the epitome of the “bro code” and I’m sorry to say with the exception of Braxton, I don’t really have any bros in the physical sense, though I will count a guy here or there on Facebook. If anything I would look at Facebook as sort of a 3/5 Compromise, don’t ask me Lady Lu I suck at math and probably humor as well which explains my lack of friendship. Also, I hate asking for help, I don’t ask for help from anybody, even people I don’t consider friends, other employees and the like, part of that is Anxiety and OCD the other is if you want something done right, do it yourself, that’s just me.

“I have always depended on the kindness of strangers” – A Streetcar Named Desire (1947)

It’s just something about depending on people for anything *ahem* family but again I don’t count them as friends, I mean if they cut me off I might be back living in one of those extended stay death traps. On the other hand, they wouldn’t care if I went on another bout of sleeping pills or painkillers either so love… I would settle for anybody saying that they liked me.
He gets high with a little help from his friends, don’t I wish Luna, I don’t get inebriated around friends, well okay with Braxton and that just shows the type of dog parent I am and never more than a glass of wine or a beer, in dire circumstances really.

Okay what about the meds I take, those make me a better friend, maybe a more talkative one, I always get I’m such a good listener. On top of that, you don’t really want to be the guy that always wants to punch someone in the mouth, at least I can pretend and if I honestly don’t want to punch somebody that puts such and such on my higher esteem level just so you know. Now I have wanted to do plenty of other things to friends but then I wouldn’t necessarily call those people friends either, maybe I’m greedy.

“Friends don’t try to undress friends.” Notice

Take Sebastian and Danielle in Cruel Intentions 2, it is my firm belief that men and women can’t really be friends if there is any “chemistry” you know the kind between them, so what do you call me having so many female friends, damn Lady Lu I made my imaginary therapist a girl to what, give me the incentive to write. I have a solid friend here or there but even my “father” told me even if I don’t feel chemistry what about her… it kind of sucks.

Now since I don’t get, stoned, hammered, wasted, whatever with friends, how do I get high with friends; honestly I left happy years ago but a friend that makes me smile, is sort of a high. Some get me higher than others to be completely honest, some make me stop what I’m doing immediately to respond, others I’ll wait a bit, others hell are days away but they all do something for me. Maybe I should start comparing friends to my drug of choice and that would make Braxton a constant adrenaline rush which explains why when he sleeps, I’m right there catching up but I have another friend that would give him a run for his money, she knows.

Truthfully though when it comes to friends, well people, in general, I put them on what I call the Blackjack scale, what’s wrong with that I like Blackjack plenty.

I’m gonna try with a little help from my friends to like myself more and isn’t that what it always comes back to, that I don’t like myself. Yeah, I was reminded of that, me being skeevy and I guess through her eyes I just realized.

“The truth is, I can’t handle the idea of her not liking me. I can’t handle the idea of ANYBODY not liking me.” Melvin Smiley

Okay so the Blackjack scale, 21 is my absolute love, like, loyalty, what have you, for all intents and purposes I would die for you, and my being okay is linked with your happiness which pretty much means my dog. Lower numbers mean a lower esteem and there is not a person alive that has a 21 in my eyes hell when I get married, my wife and Braxton are technically going to be my Topanga and Shawn. If you asked me where I rank on my own scale… well, let’s just say there are reasons I don’t look in the mirror, and that’s some major anxiety don’t you think.

“How great is this? My favorite person*dog* in the world. And my wife.” Cory Matthews – Girl Meets World (2014)

The question remains, when did I stop liking myself and my answer is when nobody else liked me and that right there is a problem I know and a few people are trying to a degree. There’s a guy at work who asks me from time to time about my writing but I don’t see friendship there; nothing wrong with the guy but I see a conspiracy and my job is not above that because I’ve been a part of one here and there. Being friends though immediately correlates with being a boss which explains why I haven’t been promoted, they told me this; I’m plenty dominant, downright sadistic in other areas of my life but again, she called me skeevy, get over it right?

“And when all those people believe in you,
Deep enough and strong enough believe in you,
Hard enough and long enough it stands to reason you,
Yourself will start to see what everybody sees in you.
And maybe even you, can believe in you, too.”
Snoopy the Musical: If Just One Person Believes in You

So what’s the answer Lu, should I focus on myself, stronger meds because even this is a bad batch or work is just that bad; anyway start with me and if nobody likes me in the end at least I got Braxton. Maybe I should be the friend that everybody thinks I should be perhaps because it’s not like the guy I am now is winning hearts and minds who knows truly but with a little help from my friends…

“Under a tyranny, most friends are a liability. One quarter of them turn “reasonable” and become your enemies, one quarter are afraid to speak, and one quarter are killed and you die with them. But the blessed final quarter keep you alive.” – Sinclair Lewi