Tag: Sin

Lesson 347 ~Freeze, I Never Freeze~

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Last week was about a few fandoms, but maybe the cure to all this is I should be a, but a star is always burning, always working not caring about what may lie around it until Hell; which is what I need. Freeze, I Never Freeze

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Lesson 347 ~Freeze, I Never Freeze~

Forgive Me Echo,
Can You Love Me Again, how that question chills my blood, as a matter of fact nearly any subject that catches me off-guard, that I don’t have the answer to; it’s almost like the roar of a monster. I wish I could apologize only for my fear, but sometimes there is also, “OBSESSION;” between love and madness lies obsession, and that’s what I have been dealing with this week, I need Hellfire to get warm, to be honest.

While I’m on a Disney kick, I want to believe I will “Go The Distance” but with all the things to fear in this world why is it that women are the most terrifying, personal experience and between the bitch, a girl to text, “Indiana Gone,” and more I’m frozen. I have a myriad of reasons including sleep, now maybe I’m just exhausted, but I spend all this time working for others, even today another author wants a damn review and yeah it helps to make connections, but then I continually freeze in my writing. Haven’t I pushed through two bouts of NaNoWriMo, finished a 120,000-word novel, have more than enough poetry for a compilation and what did I spend most of this morning doing here Inspector Echo seriously.

“I got that magic you call ADD” ― Two Fux

Now Inspector Echo I have never been diagnosed with that, but as I freeze embracing such fears, I stay freezing in my obsessions. When I want something I will spend hours on it, how long was I watching “Detroit: Become Human,” how long did I listen to “Hold On?” What was I doing this morning, lounging around playing “The Walking Dead No Man’s Land” and making sexual gifs of *sigh* Brandy Woods “The Cheerleaders,” Alycia Debnam-Carey “Fear The Walking Dead” watching Kim Dickens “Fear The Walking Dead” banging, pretending if only for a second, a minute, an hour I could have “Okay” or any girl like them. I like window shopping, and I can see my desires reaching for me, games, fame, a few things I should be ashamed of, but I plant my feet.

“Run boy run! Running is a victory” Run Boy Run

I can tell you I’m sorry but an apology is merely acknowledgement and you know I have a rule of taking lumps, of being willing to accept my punishment but the hard part, as hard as my little head, like the stone I feel in my belly, as hard headed as I am is to keep moving. So I am sorry for the time wasted, I’m sorry that my balls ache, I’m sorry that it hurts to write right now, but forgiveness comes not from acceptance or suffering but from being better because sitting here hurts; Freeze, I Never Freeze.

“Most of you don’t want success,
As much as you want to sleep!”
Eric Thomas

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 340 ~I’m Your #1 Fan~

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It’s probably a sin this didn’t work out the way I was picturing it, why I’m not a reactor, and even less of a reviewer am I right; fame and fortune and women, how many of my sins come back to that, my ultimate fandom. I’m Your #1 Fan.

Wednesday, June 6, 2018

Lesson 340 ~I’m Your #1 Fan~

Forgive Me Echo,
Can You Love Me Again, at least before I go to Hell, in the meantime a brother has to stay warm however he can and for today’s sin, if you’re paying attention, it’s been all about my fandoms, Quantic Dream “Detroit: Become Human,” “The Walking Dead”, etc.

Now several of these actually consist of multiple sins, but I’ve chosen to focus on four, and no I do not include Treachery, though I’m sure I’m guilty of that as well but what am I the number one fan of; I mentioned my mother destroying TMNT once *sigh* if she knew me now sadly.

“I got news for ‘hem… There’s gonna be hell to pay. ‘Cause I ain’t daddy’s little boy no more.” ― Nada/Roddy Piper, They Live (1988)

FRAUD, fake it to you make it they say and everyday Inspector Echo, I want to, I “try,” but I’m nothing to them, and I can’t even stand to look at my face in the mirror sometimes, I’ve disappeared, I’m not me anymore, or worse, them. It would have been okay to be daddy’s little sports fanatic, or a religious nutcase, to stay the butt of all their jokes. I was telling “Cherry” I can’t wipe this smile off my face for anything, a crime.

Maybe that’s why I bathe in blood… not for real Inspector Echo but give me “The Purge,” The Walking Dead, the riot in Detroit: Become Human, like those androids yes I wholeheartedly agree VIOLENCE is one of the universal languages. Much like music, it’s taken me years, but I understand the let’s say, physical conations in rap music and rock, but how many fights have I been in; next time…

Speaking of which ANGER, thinking and doing but that rage I swear sometimes it just overtakes me and sometimes watching other people indulge… to think if I said watching people engage in sex, I’m into voyeurism (Consensual), people would call me a peeping tom. Anyway, what I like about anger it’s like wearing an executioner’s mask or something akin to The Joker, but again I hate smiling, and in my rage, I become something different, more or less human, right?

LUST, of course, is my favorite because I can equate it to everything, today I wanted to more or less create a list of fandoms but as I said Detroit Become Human (North, Chloe, Kara), The Walking Dead, The Purge, “The Hunger Games,” “Divergent,” I could go on. Now, of course, this is a big subject, and maybe I don’t want to ruin something else… I mean The Walking Dead is losing Rick Grimes and possibly Maggie (NO), and I’ve already spoiled Detroit Become Human watching other people’s walkthroughs honestly.

“Mama don’t like tattletales.” Nada

So what do I need forgiveness for, Inspector Echo please forgive me for not enjoying other people’s fandoms, sports for one; I’m sorry I’m not just a fan of mine but I become Annie Wilkes obsessed, I’m Your #1 Fan.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 333 ~The Stench Of Defeat~

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Can you smell what the Will is cooking, despite one good endorsement everything else around here stinks to high Heaven, or maybe that’s me, working too hard or scared of looking like I’m hardly working? “The Stench Of Defeat”

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

Lesson 333 ~The Stench Of Defeat~

Forgive Me Echo,
Can You Love Me Again, even when I can’t smell what The Rock is cooking, maybe when all there is to breathe is more shrimp or microwave dinners. I’ve never thought to turn the oven on since being here. How about the stress sweat but I’m too lazy to go looking for the commercial, I should probably go and take a shower if I wasn’t nearly drowning already with so many waves.

What about so many smells; it took me forever to get out of the scent of gummy bears I ripped into after work; my cooking range is limited enough, but today, I’ve only had barbecue chips and candy. Speaking of limited time, how about all that time spent tagging clothes at work today, when everybody looks at you as a failure, when you try to help a coworker, and you overstay your welcome, not to mention good ole S.A.D. It doesn’t help matters any that as hot as it is, I’m wearing my security blanket, my hoody for most of the day, you know right?

Cleanliness is next to godliness they say, but I’m just a man, and if anything, men do stupid things, I got a bit into “Manscaping” all because of women, and at this rate, it doesn’t matter, to be honest. Hell Inspector Echo how long did I go without a shower during all my days of writing oh yeah and spoiling myself watching a walkthrough of “Detroit: Become Human,” I’m addicted, but that’s only making me work harder on my writing isn’t it? Yes, that’s what I’m doing, I’m spoiling because if you’re not living you’re dying and either way it goes all I want to do is cover myself in something dirty and some green.

Preferably I would instead go with cremation but when it comes to dirt, the muck and the mire, something that straight up stinks, it’s the ideas that come into my mind, and that’s not stopping anytime soon. What about the elephant in the room, I’m the shit, or I should believe that because this is the only way anything is going to get done; with as messy as I am now all I want to do is sleep in my cool “clean” bed just saying.

I’m sorry Inspector Echo, will you forgive me for stinking up the joint, for being too hot under the collar and in my pants, for neglecting myself in this and for the dirty mind that keeps me sane, ooh that smell The Stench Of Defeat.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 326 ~Thunder Buddies For Life~

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No fire here but warm enough, of course, that’s why I have a smoke detector, not so much for myself but to keep the dog safe but as they say, who watches the watchmen and can blankets be capes? “Thunder Buddies For Life”

Wednesday, May 23, 2018

Lesson 326 ~Thunder Buddies For Life~

Forgive Me Echo,
Can You Love Me Again after seeing me afraid, I know I say I Will Have No Fear every day, and then I wake up from that dream, earlier than I want to as I did last night to the sound of my smoke detector. You know when I was a kid I didn’t have a teddy bear, I begged for years for a dog that I could cuddle with, I walked around with a blanket, not like Linus back then I only figured I was cold.

Here I am a grown ass man for all intents and purposes, and maybe I’m making up for lost time, which is today’s sin; when my smoke detector went off (dead battery), the dog and I freaked out. Since I couldn’t get back to sleep with the annoying beep, I had to find a battery and a chair to stand in, and my dog stayed by my side the whole time even barking and growling at the beeping though he couldn’t see it. For the last twenty minutes of sleep, I could get he cuddled closer to my head trying to calm me down as if he could keep me safe from what was bothering me; my one Mean Teddy.

It’s not just his comfort though; I remember when we first moved here I told him we had to take care of each other because it’s only the two of us… and my “father’s” money of course because it’s not like we got any warmth from him. Speaking of which my hoodies, doesn’t matter if it’s too hot or too cold, I’m always wearing one except for showers and bedtime; y one big security blanket, right? Even outside the house, at work, everywhere I go, a hoody or long sleeves, I’m a step away from being Eugene Porter with his Grimbly Gunk, I know it.

Then again like him Inspector Echo I consider myself a coward but what cowards must people be every day that shoot the innocent both people and animals, sacrificing children so they can feel stronger with their guns and the sad thing is I still want a gun myself. We all need that something to make us feel safe at night, whether it’s from burglars, bugs, beeping, what have you and here I have a Chihuahua, a hoody, and some weapons from The Walking Dead honestly.

Can you forgive me Inspector Echo for being afraid of the things that don’t matter, for being a man with no woman in his bed I seek warmth from a pet, some blankets, and fashion choices, for wanting to be like everyone else sorely afraid *sigh* Thunder Buddies For Life?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 319 ~Keep Your Head Up~

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Perhaps putting one foot in front of the other is the best thing I can do which is why I’m always looking down, maybe I’m looking for a spot to start digging or a thousand other things but shouldn’t I see ahead. Keep Your Head Up.

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Lesson 319 ~Keep Your Head Up~

“I’m sick of taking care of everything, paying bills, making peace and plans and keeping my chin up. God, I am so sick of my chin being up.” Angel 04×02

Forgive Me Echo,
Can You Love Me Again, even if I don’t take your advice or maybe you’re just like my manager, in one ear and out the other; you don’t know how often I wish that it was that simple. Like that song from “Frozen” though to be honest I prefer Sam Tsui’s version of “Let It Go/Let Her Go” but anyway my point is my boss a fucking liar. I remember everything, like a damn elephant I never forget; I’m my mother’s son (her sorority emblem so relax.)

My sin is not talking about weight; I get enough of that with “Cherry,” but people all my life have told me I have a big head, and when it comes to women yes I certainly agree. Only I’m not talking about that particular sin either if it is a sin at all. No Inspector Echo today’s sin is as physical as it is mental so long story short, “for the life of me” with everything I do remember I no longer know how to keep my head up. I’m not trying to be all creepy like Monday, remember what I was worried about, but I spent all of today with my eyes glued to the floor, though I fought it for a while maybe.

I’ve been contemplating what I was looking at, so many theories like, if there exist a Heaven and Hell, I know I don’t belong here so maybe I only wanted to go home, no worries Inspector Echo I’m very much alive. It could be the idea that the tears don’t fall but they want to, and grief makes more than hearts heavy, I was reading those “Thirty-Six Questions to fall in love,” and I think one of them was when was the last time you cried. I could be readying myself for the hangman’s noose, I confess to you my sins Inspector Echo but if you truly knew me, if anyone and what about my pride again, Rule 15 “I Take My Own Lumps” if I go down I accept my fate, big balls anyone?

How about the idea that I have so many would be queens in my life and as I tell “Okay” heavy is the head that wears the crown but I’m no king, no prince, maybe a jester’s hat would suit me. Now I could go on but should I only ask do you forgive me for my fear of not wanting to face people, my feelings of being worthless, or the countless theories all of the above, my neck is killing me trying to be better, Keep Your Head Up.

“There’s a saying — the pessimist looks down and hits his head.
The optimist looks up and loses his footing.
The realist looks forward and adjusts his path accordingly.” ― The Walking Dead, The Well

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 312 ~Like A Light Switch~

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I wish happiness were as easy to turn on like everything else in my life, hell like myself in some cases but while I’m avoiding some things, let’s hope a smile will not be my undoing. “Like A Light Switch”

Wednesday, May 9, 2018

Lesson 312 ~Like A Light Switch~

Forgive Me Echo,
Can You Love Me Again, yeah like I once loved HBO, Showtime, Cinemax, or those afternoons watching “Toonami” or staying up late to watch *gasp* Adult Swim, such were the days before the Internet for me? If I never told you the story before about how I discovered “Hentai” I got two words for you… “Tenchi Muyo!” and just like that, you may bring on the darkness.

So what exactly is today’s sin, maybe it’s a loss of control, I did something today, and it’s one thing when you sin without forethought but to do so when you have experience and those who don’t learn from history… I suppose I am feeling quite blessed today but I swear to you here and now it will go no further on my part, yeah and every “aficionado” says they’re going to kick and what happens next? Is it fair to call me an addict and to be honest I don’t know why I stopped, though am I seeing any benefit; I might have been smart enough to steer clear.

“Never trust a big butt and smile” Bell Biv Devoe

On the other hand, I found something stronger than terror and forgive me for embracing fear, but it keeps you alive, and I don’t even know why I’m stressing, I was yesterday, and here I am today. What about this, the boldness, the daring, the audacity to call myself a dominant when I can’t do something as simple as making friends and especially at such a fragile time in my life. Disappointing as well as tomorrow you know who is coming by and if nothing happens then I have squandered my opportunity, and I won’t be able to make another move, my hands will be tied; instead of hers right…

“Rule number 32: Enjoy the little things.” ― Zombieland (2009)

Aren’t my hands tied already or sleeping like the rest of me because it’s the only way I can find to stop worrying but then again, remember, remember, the fifth of November, almost the same circumstances though I’m not that far gone. Was I practicing self-abstinence then too; if anything I feel somewhat like a kid again when my “adult entertainment” consisted of a binder full of porn and sneaking past library internet safety guidelines.

So will you forgive me Inspector Echo, for the misguided youngster I once was, the stress of youth desired, remembered, and history ignored, my addiction to beautiful women, or calling myself a dominant and my pursuit of the perfect submissive; turned on so casually I’ll say Like A Light Switch?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 305 ~Chicken Crossed The Road~

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I never drive far, hell everything I need is around the corner, movies, restaurants, two different vets, I could walk to work, Walmart, and besides no strip clubs, the internet takes care of that along with Amazon shopping. “Chicken Crossed The Road”

Wednesday, May 2, 2018

Lesson 305 ~Chicken Crossed The Road~

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am Not Fine Today but less crazy, or at least I think I am and I am sorry if you’ve heard this story before, but I once heard that Hell is repetition, only this is one of the few times I didn’t get lost actually. Should I start with the fact that I wasted two hours of my life; hell I am killing time every day but this was like Nascar which I have never understood, going around and circles and for what, most get nothing.

At least I got a lesson out of the deal, something I should have known a long time ago and the closest I got to “stalking.” As you know my old car sucks but I started talking to this girl, and as she was adequately inebriated she asked could I pick her up one night. Cowardice or good sense I didn’t, but she told me where she lived and willing to risk getting stuck because of some girl, one morning I drove over merely as a test to whether I could make it there at all. How to say, the gesture was not well received, and I haven’t texted or been out that way again and with such a lesson did I grow as a person… episode 305 Inspector Justice I’m still an idiot honestly.

A joke why did the chicken cross the road, because here I am again contemplating “Indiana Gone” who has been to my place on many occasions and then she moved away, and now she wants me to visit her, but of course she hasn’t given me her address. How about the fact that I didn’t trust my old car to do anything when I needed it most especially when it comes to some girl not that I have faith in me with the new car. Last but not least what about the “bitch,” now that does make me sound scary doesn’t it, but I have never dreamed of going out that way, but of course I was already, creepy, skeeve, stalker, according to her blog.

Should you forgive me Inspector Echo for being a chicken that likes his side of the road just fine or for crossing and getting fried because I’m going to Hell aren’t I, and maybe it’s better I feel like chicken tonight or this afternoon. Forgive me Echo for not finding some Holy Grail, and I suppose my princess is in another castle which worked for Mario but he was no chicken, but as for me *sigh* Chicken Crossed The Road.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 304 ~Can’t Buy Me, Love~

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Maybe I shouldn’t work so hard after all I have all I need. Only you’re a gift and why do I continue to try to wrap you up, I’m not “Cyrano de Bergerac,” not anymore. What about a library, I can love books and you. “Can’t Buy Me, Love”

Tuesday, May 1, 2018

Lesson 304 ~Can’t Buy Me, Love~

Dear Future Wife,
I Am Not Fine Today; I’m a traditionalist, I’m classic, flowers and candy, oaths of love and sometimes I regret there are no dragons to fight… not a Game of Thrones fan but we can sit here and watch The Walking Dead or Into The Badlands. How much is it I wonder to get into Walker Stalker or to buy costumes, I mean real outfits and not what’s already in the closet.

Now allow me to sound cliché when you ask me what I want, and I answer “All I Want Is You, ask me what I need and “All You Need Is Love” but you want to know really, you roll your eyes at me which brings out my Christian Grey. No not his budget which never mattered to you, but what do women want, and I would say everything, and in one way this fits us perfectly. You may not want it or need it and my dear I already have it in you but can you knock me for trying, blame the knights of old, those princes in the fairytales, or blame Tony Montana.

“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” ― Tony Montana, Scarface (1983)

Every day I ask how I got so lucky that I met a woman that appreciates terrific cinema, and classic ideas, not conservative as we have so much love to give and maybe that’s why I feel this need to have more. “Baby, I’m Yours,” and you’re mine but am I so hungry, so selfish for you that I need to hoard every one of your smiles. Every idea, your eyes in the mirror, because it gives me a reason to smile, another beat of my heart when it’s not skipping, every breath in this body. A guy could save the world just for the honor, the pleasure of being right here with you, and still, I would give you the stars if they weren’t in your eyes. The moon if you weren’t so high above me, and the planets, well I already have Venus my goddess of love Aphrodite.

Would you stop me from building you a library, from turning our home into a garden, how about having a house at all, a castle, a vault, somewhere to keep “my favorite, favorite thing” your heart? I must be on my way to Hell with how I want to long for you, my greed for you, wanting to lie here with you and never leave. How I’m so proud to call you mine, how envious that I want the world to know you and then no, not to mention a ton of other sins and maybe that’s why I don’t get religion, speaking of blasphemy…

Why would I await treasure in Heaven, I found you angel, and that’s enough, no one else, not even God itself gets me, you love are priceless and timeless to me, Can’t Buy Me, Love.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 298 ~Time Enough At Last~

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Why stand there taking up space; I get road rage just standing in line and perhaps one of my fears is that everyone feels, the same way and I don’t want anyone feeling that way. “Time Enough At Last,” to relax maybe

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Lesson 298 ~Time Enough At Last~

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am Not Fine Today though I wish I could remember a time that I was, a time I could stop and smell the roses, sometime when I didn’t feel I was running for my life, trying to catch up or rushing things because there is so little time left. How often have I said, the world will end in five minutes, and I have to make it until then, again and again, it becomes incredibly exhausting.

For instance, people falling in love at first sight, it works for dogs, I loved my dog since the moment his paws hit the ground, and I immediately wanted to protect him from the world, can’t say they about any girl and nor should you. Don’t get me wrong Inspector Echo I’m not that much of an idiot… any more and that’s quite a long story but no time. I have too much to apologize for today, I’m not taking the time to live or even wanting to, I want to survive, and I especially don’t have time to figure out how I’ll get that done in the long run.

“I just want to wake up with more time on my hand than hours in the day.” In Time (2011)

Everyday Inspector Echo I feel like I’m getting in the way and I don’t even have time to say I’m sorry, did you ever wonder why I never go anywhere taking the highway, how I have to fly to visit a friend rather than drive because I’d get lost forever. I’m the guy that practices what to say before he goes through the drive-thru, who can’t do anything but stand in line honestly, and then I’m lazy as hell when it comes to sleep. Now I’m not in love with any girl, but I don’t lie, I speak in a certain way, I rush because most guys that can get girls don’t have to talk and I’m a regular Howard Wolowitz, I say whatever stupidly.

And I also apologize for wasting my time apologizing on top of dreaming up revenge or wallowing in misery, I’m sorry every day must fill up with something, and then I can do nothing but waste it, even today, how far have I got in editing my book? To think I hope they never build a time machine or if they do, that the “The Langoliers,” won’t be far behind; why do I need to go back, this sounds familiar.

Doesn’t make me any less sorry though and maybe with enough money, power, or maybe love there will be one day, Time Enough At Last.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 291 ~It’s A Hairy Situation~

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Dogs are man’s best friend, and you don’t keep your friends in cages do you, or bubble wrap, and there is a leash law but tell that to everyone else and bugs will be bugs sadly. It’s A Hairy Situation

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Lesson 291 ~It’s A Hairy Situation~

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am Not Fine Today, and I am still worried about my kid; I had a bit of a revelation this morning about fear as he and I went for our walk. How often do I talk about fear and courage is merely facing fear and doing what you want or must, hell just being able to live my life and his.

Anyway, as we both know fear haunts me and when you’re a father; no I can never be ashamed of the fact that I think of him as my son; how many fears have I faced because of that fact? No today’s sin is no matter what; I can’t protect him from everything, isn’t that my job, what parent admits such a thing or outright fails at it when they are needed most? I thought I saw a tick burrowing into his fur and you know how he is when it comes to bugs, his nails, and other small emergencies and if I can’t handle such things what about the big ones that will happen?

It’s not just my failures as a dad though, he frightens me Inspector Echo, this little six to eight pounds of fluff can scare me and not just because of his health, no he is just like me, angry, terrified, not knowing what’s best for him. Why do you think he takes baths at the groomers, nails clipped there too, the vet on speed dial every time he gets a tick because I am incapable? Don’t I sound like some worthless Republican afraid of the children only in this case, he’s mine and as much as I want to blame his “grandfather” or any number of bad experiences, his fears and mine, fall to me.

“You failed. You failed as a leader and most of all Rick, you failed as a father. Just… give up.” The Lost and the Plunderers

He’s bitten me before when I needed to stop him from terrorizing the neighborhood; on multiple occasions in fact for any number of things, a bit ironic that I can’t prevent things from biting him because he’ll chew me. So we endure, have and will because love perhaps is the highest sin of all, and now is not the time for a God kick thankfully.

I only ask your forgiveness for realizing that some fears, a father’s love will always remain, the fact that I can protect him from other dogs but he won’t let me help with the little things; how I should be a better man but I know It’s A Hairy Situation.

I Will Have No Fear