Tag: Stupid

Episode 271 ~Self-Harm, Write A Will~

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As Johnny Cash sang “I hurt myself today.” I’m not attempting to feel; if anything I am only to0 lazy to get out of the way of everything that’s hurting me and I find even cheaper ways to. “Self-Harm, Write A Will” how many have I done

Friday, March 29, 2019

Episode 271 ~Self-Harm, Write A Will~

Hey Lady Sophia,
How To Make One Million Dollars, they’ve already created Band-Aids, Beer. Somebody racked their Brain mass for Twitter. Only for Trump to use it the way he does. No Lady Sophia I’m not about to get political, what good would it do?

First off I’m not that STUPID. Wait am I, leaving my bag at the Day Job unattended for a few minutes. Of course, my mind has written the worst case scenario, a million times over. Still, the only person reading it is me. My left wrist, all day, I pinched, I snapped, I stung. I am reminding myself not to be STUPID. While I only became even more so. Tell me this what’s the correlation if any between depression and RAGE. Is it part of being Bipolar. It’s one more reason I write. The general manager said I say that the whole world is against me. So I create a world full of people in stories. All so I can do the most horrible things. I can kill them one after the other ending up Alone Again, naturally, The End.

Only it never is, is it, I don’t edit. Grammarly and Hemingway, are seas of color. Looking over my recent blogs, I don’t recognize myself anymore. Lady Sophia, at the same damn time I do. Allow me to dive into my fandoms once again. I might as well be a head on a stick in TWD. I need a golden pair of scissors and a red jumpsuit like in Jordan Peele’s “US.” So I can cut up this crap. Is that why I’m hurting myself? It’s only a rubber band, but I can’t stay awake. My eyes are a bloodshot red SNAP. Look up, POP, lift your feet PINCH. On and on but the RAGE Lady Sophia. So much, all at me, the man my “father” made me in existence. I’m STUPID no matter what.

My words might as well be, a sea of white in the shower though I’m abstaining now. Hasn’t even been a week yet, like those times I went without eating. I’m making room for more pain that I deserve. I ask myself WHY; I’m not suicidal or more like I’m lazy about the fact. Which again makes me STUPID. That’s my new word Lady Sophia, an oldie but a goodie. I suppose “skeevy” well who knows I may have lost one more friend today. Math is one of those things that did the most harm to me. My writing is the only way I can harm others. Torture for us all, but numbers? I know how many friends I lose, money, time, how many words for a new NaNoWriMo shirt. And this is how I hurt myself every day my great Self-Harm, Write A Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 265 ~Hell Of Weak Will~

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I think I called this week exactly what I thought it would be and I was too weak to make it otherwise, even today and of course counting up failures is tomorrow’s business; maybe I need a new hobby. “Hell Of Weak Will” or a Stupid Will

Saturday, March 23, 2019

Episode 265 ~Hell Of Weak Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
How to Make One Million Dollars, well I still have plans to go to “Sin City.” What was it, last week, the one before? All I could think about was a bestseller, building, brothel, and babes. This week I instead not think at all or I don’t; that’s because I Am Stupid.

Being a traditionalist, I do prefer the “old-timey” HORNY, FEARFUL, and STUPID. That’s not to say that I’m against “SAT” words Abnegation, Erudite, Dauntless, Amity, and Candor. How I miss Shailene Woodley; of course, you knew I would go with Horny first. Don’t worry this all links in with my general stupidity. Having gone to the movies Thursday and seeing Jordan Peele’s “US,” I was disappointed. There was no sex scene with Lupita Nyong’o. What about the fact that I now know who Cali and Noelle Sheldon are? Yes, Lady Lu I’m going to Hell, but I haven’t looked for any twin porn; yet. No, I saved that for Eileen Kelly in Playboy. More the lack thereof, the hits keep coming, sadly like me Thursday.

It was too much Lady Lu, the fear I mean. My last panic attack was at the day job over cleaning duty. Before that back when I was another “redshirt.” The men of Star Trek make dying look so easy I mean the original series. Now there I was at the movies, shaking because I was attempting to make exact change. Such a fear bothers me more than looking up girls on the internet. Between Fear and Rage, my fear won. You know rage doesn’t think. Lady Lu, Fear is a fucking Brainiac (Language Please). Is that what “US” was talking about right? I may as well be one of the Tethered, no soul but all the rage coming topside.

So why am I too stupid to use it? Do you know why I call myself out on my language usage? One day I think I’ll find the courage and I’ll tell those assholes (really Will) No More. Allow me to be a hypocrite in saying that fear makes you smart and an idiot. It’s why I’m looking for a new vice, hobby, and distraction. Everyone needs something, makes us human or something close. I was too weak this week to keep it up, which is why I didn’t work Friday. Not the Day Job or my Purpose, nothingness Lady Lu, Hell Of Weak Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 120 ~Don’t Make Their Lies True~

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I don’t bother to introduce myself; I won’t even say hello because if the conversation goes further than that, do you care how I am, should I care how you are, sooner or later you’ll lie to yourself about me. Don’t Make Their Lies True

Monday, October 22, 2018

Episode 120 ~Don’t Make Their Lies True~

Fifty-Sixth Rule Madam Justice

How To Make One Million Dollars, the first bit of change but why should I, you know it’s never me wanting to fit in, it’s what’s left inside me, and then I don’t recognize who I am anymore, yet one more reason I avoid mirrors.

Last week I talked about writing a decent sentence but how many people have seen that coming from me, no instead I believed the first lie from my “father” and that was “stupid” everything about me. Madam Justice I don’t want to be a downer today but isn’t ironic that with lies you can be president but the truth can put you in prison regardless of guilt or innocence, I heard again I was stupid in my “home,” and thus I became it. So I’ve spent my life wanting to be everything but, I read every day, I attempted to join Mensa, hell I don’t know how many books I’ve written, but I struggle with such small tasks making my father and everyone else smarter.

In the flesh, I am ugly, and like the Phantom, Quasimodo, or Cyrano de Bergerac, I began to wear masks, I hide upstairs; my downstairs barely has furnishings, and I don’t bother to fix the doorbell; how about the fact that I hide behind words? I don’t check mirrors because there is no point, I wear hoodies and dark colors, I keep earphones on always, the music a feeble attempt to drown out the lie that is becoming the truth.

Of course, I can’t neglect this, let’s say half-truth that got me here talking to you… how many times will I return to this; I was acting skeevy and creepy to a girl, fair enough, I started talking to Lady Lu and next thing you know I’m a stalker. Now if comparing a girl to Brazzers or Reality Kings is one thing, I get the same damn reaction if I write something sweet, of course, when “gentlemen” pay me for my words, they get girls panties to drop quick. Even now you might say I sound bitter, to one girl I’m too sweet, to another I attempt to nail her whenever she comes by, but my point is I don’t know my truth as I’m in many lies and falsehoods.

With that on repeat having never known myself since the cradle, believing and knowing I was worthless, nothing, and stupid and having the world echo that well… it started with one man and a bitch here or there; it can end with one man, me, that’s if I figure out who I am one day, Don’t Make Their Lies True.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 119 ~On The Willing End~

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I was willing two work on two off days, to give myself a massive case of blue balls, to stare into my darkest temptations, let’s say choosing Silver *shudder* over Gold but what does it take to win. “On The Willing End” no, live on “the winning end.”

Sunday, October 28, 2018

Episode 119 ~On The Willing End~

To Will:
How To Make One Million Dollars, maybe I should tell you that “dad” is going to come by here and kick your ass, after all, it worked in summer school, you’re still here after all those years. What about catching feelings at work, the last time that happened, the 5th of November, nearly got you fired, not to mention turned you off of black women, well she was more Zoë Kravitz, Alicia Keys looking and it’s not like white women are any better.

We’ve talked about this forever but what got you back to these conversations hmm; you start talking to some cute brunette but you compared her to a porn company, and now you spend time trying to prove you’re not skeevy, sleazy, or sex-crazed, how’s that going? You can ask the other brunette that was sitting on the couch that you felt up, what’re those two words, treating women with “dignity and respect,” which leads to “stop, no, and don’t” NOT or “I’m sorry” or “asking forgiveness rather than permission.” One of these days you’re going to have to write down all these trigger words or write anything at all f you’re going to be a NaNoWriMo winner but do you feel like one as of late *sigh* Six Impossible Things:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 016 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
Completed (Day 023 No Fap)
2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
Failed
3. I Will Review Sell My Soul (Sixty Days #1) by Jade West
Failed
4. I Will Write A “Horror” Short-story
Completed
5. I Will Finish Depredation By Natalie Bennett
Completed
6. I Will Edit At Least One Chapter of “Apocalypse Rush”
Failed

50.5 back to F’s but if you’re thinking about numbers, make it the money that you’re earning… yeah, that’s a joke, the days you’ll spend on NaNoWriMo which starts this week or the constant threats it takes to get moving along. Why is it so many bad things that can get you going forward but of all the good there is nothing, it’s like being back in the faith, of course, you can’t earn your way into Heaven, but you’ll do whatever it takes to avoid Hell? You’re not moving forward to a goal but doing what is necessary to not get, a foot in the ass and that doesn’t mean winning it means willing but these Six Impossible Things:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 023 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
3. I Will Review Sell My Soul (Sixty Days #1) by Jade West
4. I Will Review Depredation By Natalie Bennett
5. I Will Finish Dancing In The Dark By T.L. Martin (Goodreads)
6. I Will Edit At Least One Chapter of “Apocalypse Rush”

Again you shouldn’t run because you fear the worse, you run because you can’t wait for the good, even today you were being pulled forward by that thing in your pants, and you’re kicking yourself because of it, and you’re wondering why you’re never going anywhere. Wanting to put your foot in someone’s ass and then kicking your own for something STUPID you did; another thing on Facebook today for example, if you can learn to “respect” your name Will, if you’re triggered by it, why not the word “Winning” instead of forever and always being On The Willing End.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 118 ~Will Of The People~

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Nothing much to say today because honestly, I don’t know what I’m fighting for, yesterday I had to be one man and today I was a lazy one or just horny, that’s the thing with having a ton of energy, and my body’s outrunning my mind. Will Of The People

Saturday, October 27, 2018

Episode 118 ~Will Of The People~

Hey Lady Lu,
How To Make One Million Dollars, besides hoping people are STUPID and you know how much I hate that word, but like politics, it’s everywhere. Like porn, it shouldn’t help anyone right? Like power, it becomes an obsession. Should I mention, it’s also a constant worry, perhaps the cornerstone of my anxiety that more than anything I don’t want to be; like the song, “I feel stupid,” and that seems to be like most days Lady Lu, the Will Of The People.

Maybe only one man but why do I feel stupid today, the fact that I wasted most of it away lying in my bed so that I can wake up bright and early and go to the job I hate; perhaps that’s insanity. I could go on and on about the way I allow people to treat me only to have an opportunity to show courage and heart and next thing you know I have people like Dumb, Dumber, and Dumbest. How about how I treat myself beating myself up for days on end about something over and over again, some stupid post, I don’t even read replies on Whisper or something on Facebook like today which ruins my Saturday.

Again it is the Will Of The People, the man that I can’t help being and if it keeps up this way I’ll be a dead one soon enough and wouldn’t they say that’s only one more stupid decision in my case. Is it that I still want to be one of the people, that I keep getting voted, the idiot in charge or that I keep putting myself in that position and when did I decide on letting myself fall so low today, in more ways than one and I’m “trying” so hard. Yes, I’ll stop thinking with that part of my anatomy but it’s like everything is begging me to move, to do something, anything and like most, I only tend to make things worse all the time.

The thing is, I can’t opt out, I can’t turn away because if I do, then I am STUPID and nothing changes, and there is terrible by default and hell at this time I don’t even know what right looks like; well, I do, but Pinterest isn’t helping here. In a minute I’m going to sound like Eric Thomas asking myself “Will the real “Will” please stand up” (insert penis humor) but I can’t go on like this, a vote, the voices, my verses not saying a thing because of the Will Of The People.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 020 ~To Defeat The Huns~

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People face many things throughout their day, but the worst one for me is people, and today I’ll have to do just that or not since I’ll have to check bathrooms and fitting rooms and it’s my business to make money. “To Defeat The Huns.”

Saturday, July 21, 2018

Episode 020 ~To Defeat The Huns~

Hey Lady Lu,

Give Me One Reason to face the Huns, and no mine name’s not Mulan, though I could certainly use her courage, training, and luck; how I ask Luck Be A Lady tonight or at least for six hours. I can’t say I’ve been one for gambling, horse racing maybe but I trust those animals more than a majority of HUMANITY, and I can give you one big reason for that Lady Lu.

… but the truth is that I dislike most men as much as I dislike women. If anything, I am an equal opportunity misanthropist.”
― Andrew Davidson, The Gargoyle (2008)

HUMILIATION Lady Lu is arguably my greatest fear, the foundation of my anxiety and you can’t call it irrational if it comes to pass as it did the last time I was assigned to “CLEAN” and I know it sounds STUPID. No it all comes down to looking so stupid, and you know how such a concept sets me off, believing, being, and saying; may God show mercy on the soul that calls me such or makes me feel it. Too bad I don’t believe in God right because I’m my own worst enemy *sigh* people have an imaginary friend they worry about but I can’t stand thinking or knowing how everyone looks at me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vt1Pwfnh5pc

HUNGER is one big motivation to face the humiliation, my dog has to eat, and if I split my paycheck by three (bills, blog, belly) last week, I made a whole five bucks and then the fact that I’m in the library nearly every day writing “trying to make something of myself. HULKING out because I lack discipline, or I’m so afraid as Yoda says, and when’s the last time I let my anger get the best of me, strange that I was ready to go off on somebody and now they’re nowhere around me. HURTING myself on the daily in one form because of everything but at least I’ve stopped popping myself with a rubber band as I was doing it so much I would more than likely decapitate my hand from my wrist.

HUMOR has not been a strong suit of mine, though being laughed at brings a HURRAH from everybody else; yes I know this is about me and I can’t help the fact that even now I want to call into work and HUSH for the rest of the day. Anything Lady Lu beats the idea of humiliation, and I’m in for a world of that and what will I do, so let’s get down to business To Defeat The Huns.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 002 ~Do I Miss Ordinary~

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If the love given to me is ordinary I would instead value weird as everything, love isn’t meant to be ordinary, and if life in misery in ordinary than there is nothing worse, I want a different girl a strange type of woman. “Do I Miss Ordinary.”

Tuesday, July 3, 2018

Episode 002 ~Do I Miss Ordinary~

Dear Future Wife,
Give Me One Reason to, and I would be lying if I said I have known ever fear and have found myself victorious because as much as I promise I’m Never Going Back Again I have days like today where I remember. Did I dare dream that once upon a time you were Just Another girl like the rest of them, you scared me like them, you could have been boring *gasp* and talk about twenty seconds of insane courage, my love.

Ordinary is sitting there watching them laughing at me, girls and maybe one day I’ll grow up and stop calling you all girls, I might not be a scared little boy. If anything I can’t call myself ordinary because you are Extraordinary. You deserve better from me. First I couldn’t look at ordinary anymore, but when it presented itself, with whispers and laughs, I wish I could say I didn’t waste my time, no if I couldn’t tell ordinary, to go to Hell how could I possibly be worthy of someone like you. I know I’m no prince to slay dragons though so many trials and tribulations and when I found you, so much for mediocre, or what was ordinary.

A girl is capable of making a man do the impossible, a good girl, even more, a woman, princess, queen, empress, goddess, shall I continue you made me capable of everything and anything. You made me let go of my hate today, as I said today I saw again who I was so long ago, even now I feel so pathetic and weak, and I didn’t know if my rage would consume me or my tears would drown me but being the person you are… The fact that I can never escape you and you don’t wish to be free from me, if it wasn’t my hate of them it was for myself, god my love for you transcends that of myself, but the fact remains I love myself, and that will never be ordinary.

I’m sure the dog misses his spot… he still gets bed space only a little less thankfully he is small, I miss the day like today where I could scream and yell at someone, I miss hate, I miss indifference, all ordinary and it shouldn’t be, it shouldn’t have been. Ordinary is me being a jester instead of a king; we can’t be ordinary; baby girl this is No Ordinary Love. Do I Miss Ordinary?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 360 ~A Fool For You~

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Name calling, I’m guilty as charged myself, but I will never be one to prescribe to the old rhyme of sticks and stones; my father had one particular name for me, and I refuse to feel that way, NEVER AGAIN. A Fool For You or someone probably

Tuesday, June 26, 2018

Lesson 360 ~A Fool For You~

Dear Future Wife,
Can You Love Me Again, well if I can make you laugh, I can make you do anything? I’m willing to do almost anything. You heard me right I said almost because I’m not *sigh* stupid. Don’t get me wrong, I’m A Fool For You all men are for their women, we can be idiots, hell I swore I’d figure you out someday, and here I am continuing to wonder Are You Into Me and why.

I’m not a smart man… but I know what love is. ― Forrest Gump (1994)

In high school I took a class in French, the language of love and I never got anywhere with it, I had a hard time just speaking English to you, but I learned, I evolved because the first time I saw you well, my heart skipped a beat, I had to catch my breath and my footsteps… They say silence is golden, but I Can’t Help Falling In Love with you, the way you smiled, how your eyes lit up, the way you touched me, your words, almost every one of them, again almost. Only a fool thinks anyone is perfect and I never asked to be a wise man just your man, and if that makes me a fool, well you laughed right along with me, and that’s enough.

Even though I call myself Le Maquis de Joker I only wanted one person to laugh, maybe a few more with the kids, but I’m not good with dad jokes, neither was my father and that’s the reason I say almost. I Will Do Anything For Love, but I won’t do that, and I don’t mean making jokes. Before I even started talking to girls, I wanted to be a comedian because they made people laugh, and before you ask I still hate clowns but for the kids, for you… I won’t be a joke, I can’t, I won’t ever, I’m no genius, but I refuse to be stupid or even thought of as such, I will not be STUPID for you ever; I can take a joke, but I will never be a joke in my home NEVER AGAIN.

“Heh… C’mon, Leslie… can’t you take a joke?”

Leslie Zevo: “Oh yeah! I love jokes! I love all kinds of jokes. But you know what I don’t like? I don’t like people trying to kill me, hurting my family and my friends, and destroying the whole world as I know it. That just doesn’t sit well with me.” ― Toys

Call me whatever you want, your husband, lover, Will, you don’t even have to talk to me at all because you know there are days when there are no words but if there is one I will not stand for, that I refuse to feel it’s stupid, never but always love A Fool For You.

Matchbox Twenty ― Mad Season

I Will Have No Fear