It’s not fair having to wake up and feel this way since the age of 7. I did have 15 years of waking up thinking how’s B. Is he healthy, hungry, and/or happy? The only thing unfair to him was living. To me, it’s being forty. “Life Is Not Fair Period.”
Monday, September 30, 2024
Meditation 091 ~Life Is Not Fair Period~
Three-Hundredth And Sixty-Third Rule
Madam Justice,
Rules are made to be broken… Though I would like to believe that with Braxton here, enough money or the right power… Sigh.
But my son is gone. I have survived this month to see 40. And power… To get out of bed.
But today is Friday, September 27, 2024. And if I have any more days like I’ve had this week… I didn’t even think about joining Braxton on “Emergence Day.” But the 24th and the 26th? As the song goes, “Woke Up This Morning.” I swear, Madam, I came back and…
Slept. And it’s not because I like being 40. And it’s not like 2V is my best friend. V’s scared.
He feels he’s always getting in the way. And it doesn’t matter that I’ve never harmed him, let him go hungry, or even hinted at sending him back or that he’ll join B one day.
It’s not fair to Virgil or me to live in FEAR every single second. Don’t get me started on others. Other people have it worse. But this is the last day, ha-ha, when it should be all about me, Madam. If you only knew how much I abhor September. The end of January? B’s ending. It’s like I’m trapped in a never-ending cycle of despair.
But about those others… Hey Jealousy! You’ve heard me mention @fitdadceo and @csapunch. They’re in their forties. Look at everything they have, Dear Madam. Everything.
“All I’ve Ever Wanted.” And I don’t blame anyone but myself. But whose fault is it that I was done with existence by age 7? Didn’t @fredoontv say something like that, Madam. And look at him. Even better, Johnny Sins… well, his girls. A Wraithbabes gigolo? I can’t help but feel like I’ve failed myself.
I don’t blame my skin, sex, or sins, Madam. Life is not fair because of me and no one else.
I find no fault in the loss of my son. My heart, my hero, that other dreaded H-word, dear Madam. I love Braxton. But again, this isn’t about him. You know that song, “Wake Me Up.” And those few lines:
“Life’s a game made for everyone. And love is the prize.”
Wake Me Up, Avicii
Love is not a prize. Love is a gift I’ve never given myself. Instructions I have never got to read. As I was telling Lady Sophia this morning. I’m too busy reading about old men now and girls sans clothing. That’s why I’m losing, Madam. And what’s going to change?
Sitting here at the table, writing as the music wafts? Life Is Not Fair Period.
A Man Chooses, A Slave Obeys” ― Andrew Ryan, Bioshock
1338 Days Without B III, Day 779 of Virgil’s Arrival
B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will