Tag: Depression

Episode 248 ~Will’s Walking On Sunshine~

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Wasn’t I all about positivity a few weeks ago, was it all the rain and then too much sun, a lack of Energy; can’t say I know much about hangovers but my head hurts something awful, and I’m vomiting up this. “Will’s Walking On Sunshine”

Wednesday, March 6, 2019

Episode 248 ~Will’s Walking On Sunshine~

Forgive Me Echo,
How To Make One Million Dollars, in six months mind you, half a year wasted. So maybe I should invest in that sinus antidepressant, but that’s my first sin today. While I despise my anxiety, I can’t afford to be happy; a smile’s not required moving forward.

“If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.

Think I’ll stick to the ground, for now, my head is usually in the clouds but go one day without an energy shot. Damn you 5-hour ENERGY as if I don’t have two bottles ready to go. If it wasn’t for that, I still had to go out for the car and sink tools sigh. Life finds a way I heard in a movie; it gets you up and moving. Eric Thomas and Tom Bilyeu both talk about passion. You know I write everyday Inspector Echo but only when my feet get put to the fire. Tell me B III is hurt, a pretty girl is coming by, my car is damaged, and I’m out the door. Hell “Okay” and “Indiana Gone” both want me to get published, and I’m looking into it and buying my PS4′?

“But it’s only on the brink that people find the will to change. Only at the precipice do we evolve. This is our moment.” The Day the Earth Stood Still

Now if it isn’t my cowardice, I mean fear of everything, that I’ll be alone, that she won’t like me, or getting stuck. I still drag my feet, and that’s if I’m lucky, I was barely able to get out of bed, and of course, my mouth looks like I kicked myself. Anyway, I can’t be happy; I am on a slow trek of surviving but as lazy as I am if you count my blog. I have written nearly two novels, 120,000 words each, that’s something isn’t it but to what end. Again I turn to my motivations which say you must add value to the universe and no I’m not suicidal. Still tripping into a grave wouldn’t be such a bad thing Inspector.

“When you can’t run, you crawl, and when you can’t crawl – when you can’t do that…”

“You find someone to carry you.” The Message

A reason to find religion, only my son is so much stronger. I don’t mention his heart condition much and excuse me for waxing poetic. He has such love no wonder, but that’s dogs, in general, loving all us humans. How about the fact that even as a dominant I’ll fall to my knees over some boobs. Harley Quinn, The Lady in the (Blue) Dress, Okay, the list goes on. My those bouncy delights keep Heaven light because plenty of guys are going to Hell. A thought that makes me smile because I’m sure there are a lot of uglier things than me down there. THEY say it’s what’s inside that counts, but I am sorry Will’s Walking On Sunshine.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 169 ~I Want To Be Sedated~

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I might as well have taken a job as a mannequin, ask for me tomorrow and I will be a grave man, and today I wish I was invisible or maybe I should have found somebody to cover for me. I Want To Be Sedated, and yeah I probably need a doctor.

Monday, December 17, 2018

Episode 169 ~I Want To Be Sedated~

Sixty-Third Rule Madam Justice

How To Make One Million Dollars, stay awake, if that means downing energy shots, embracing the fear, even crying; Stop Crying Your Heart Out, would say to suggest I got a heart, guts, or balls.

When you’re asleep, the monsters can’t get you, and with all the nightmares I have, not one of them compares to living them when I’m awake which brings us to today and while I want to cuss or use many words synonymous with my name, let’s Pretend We’re Dead. How I wish I were so I wasn’t there, a ghost at least, invisible perhaps; could I be deaf so I don’t hear my foot kicking my ass, maybe I didn’t understand my manager, probably I didn’t hear that girl; it was a rather innocuous request, give her something to remove hard tags. You know Justice I think I finally understand something about my parents… when they would give me those pills before I began flushing them down the toilet, I believe they wanted me to be normal but you know what went wrong, they killed who I was without question.

“Come on – You eat these. Eat these.”

“Are you trying to kill me?”

“No, sweetheart. I’m making you not care.” 28 Days Later (2002)

I’ve told you before, I never got bedtime stories, during the spring and summer I got Benadryl for allergies and slept forever, at school I lost myself in novels, at work its music, other times it was meds, sometimes beatings, all to kill who I am. What about religion, what about writing? Every move I make is on the grounds of not having to face the coward I see staring back at me, so scared to ask someone their name.

Some find solace in alcohol, some in food, some in facing death but honestly when being asked to go to the front of the store and ask a question makes me want to fall? Hell Madam Justice, I have rarely taken the highway, I don’t look at fast-food menus, I wash my car rather than go and get it cleaned. Okay, this sounds more like Inspector Echo’s territory, but the fact of the matter is, well, one of my Motivations talked about how many decisions we make per day, good ones anyway and how many of mine go to how to keep breathing you understand.

How about what they call Confidence you say, that’s the real sedation, talk about not caring and staying wide awake, immunity to the world but that cure is beyond me at this point, but to quote another one of my Motivations “It’s Possible.” I never forget you understand but I can numb myself to plenty, you still remember “that girl” putting my name on her blog, the family that probably wants me dead and I’m in for trouble at work tomorrow gulp, but I’m awake, I know, feel, and believe, I Want To Be Sedated.

‘With endless love, we left you sleeping. Now we’re sleeping with you. Don’t wake up. X’” 28 Days Later (2002)

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 162 ~I’m Only Human After All~

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It’s the most “beautiful” time of the year, baby it’s cold outside, and do I look like Charlie Brown, I doubt he would change places with me today, nobody would and of course, count my blessings, be grateful, don’t complain. I’m Only Human After All.

Monday, December 10, 2018

Episode 162 ~I’m Only Human After All~

Sixty-Second Rule Madam Justice

How To Make One Million Dollars, to keep it, find sin and indulge but if you want to give it away, find virtue and exploit the Hell out of it; now I have always been one for the readings of Le Marquis de Sade and LUST, but that makes me a monster… maybe? If I wanted to be more human, I think the sin I’m looking for is GREED, or at least that’s most people because it gives us time to think about what we truly want to be or at least keeps us from getting into worse or dead.

“Lust is to the other passions what the nervous fluid is to life; it supports them all, lends strength to them all ambition, cruelty, avarice, revenge, are all founded on lust.” ― Marquis de Sade

Considering what I think about humanity, namely that of all life forms humans are the “worse” all I’ve ever wanted to know is my manhood and days like today I’m realize that me even wanting that is a joke. I can already tell you today my reason for being a writer… nobody ever lets me answer anything; like I said greedy but for air, and while I want money, maidens, my dog sigh, I wonder why I can’t fucking breathe most days and yes Justice, the “language.” I don’t wonder what it means to be human or even alive most days I’m Only Surviving, After All, that’s what needs doing these days but being a workhorse, a victim, some pain does not sit well ever.

“If you want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face – forever.”
George Orwell

I must sound like I’m repeating myself which is another reason for these rules and my want to be, hell I don’t know what, monsters don’t live with the consequences, “B III” shows me that animals do remember, and words are immortal again why I’m writing. One more reason, because I don’t have to get up, I hurt my ankle today getting out of the way of some girl; knowing how I disrespect women writing-wise on the daily “men” are told we are inferior to women… okay, that’s opening a can of worms but is that not what I am? An infection, an ant, a rodent, another way of explaining my nightmares, of course, I was listening to my Motivations, and they talk about what a miracle human beings are, then I remember politicians, parents, people in general and they put the blame on me.

Madam Justice, either I’m not human at all, and I’m getting sick and tired of everyone well… you know I don’t have any answers, but I wish they would give me the benefit of one breath to figure it out, not that I’m doing myself any favors sleeping all the time. On the other hand, I am human, and people are far too concerned with being miracles, children of God, icons, whatever and they don’t need to know ever when they see me, I’m nothing, I’m Only Human After All.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 342 ~Happy Ending, Why Not~

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What did I think I would be doing this morning; I wouldn’t call today a twist ending but more the normal state of things but aren’t I always hoping for more, but some writers have a distinct style. Happy Ending, Why Not?

Friday, June 8, 2018

Lesson 342 ~Happy Ending, Why Not~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Can You Love Me Again, don’t answer that, again I am stuck on the concept of never wanting to know or being too dumb to figure it out, so I continue to write the question over and over. How about the dark erotic novels I read that have to tell you right off the bat that they’ll be Happily Ever After (HEA) because some people might not be able to take it?

Maybe I’m lazy again not working on my books, or perhaps it’s just how they say if you want to hear God’s laughter, go ahead and mention your plans because even today there is so much writing to do, but here I am “Laughing With” God because I have to go out. A part of me wants to say I won’t give up but if yesterday taught me anything, sometimes “you gotta give it up to get off sometimes I know” you know “Stop.” I could say I should stop writing a story and start living one, but the thing is we know that story would have no happy ending in the long run, and even if my stories are mediocre I refuse to live that way in real life.

Do I even know how to create a happy ending anymore, you know “Temptations Road” even in that I couldn’t make a final decision, but in case anyone is reading this I won’t spoil it. Speaking of spoiling something, what happens once I reach 365 days of lessons, it’s not like I thought I would have discovered a way to make money with this blog… how did “22 Words” start, how about publishing a book; plans am I right Sophia. Today’s story is about preventing a tragedy with my dog, working a dead-end job, and making sure I don’t starve to death, in other words, groomers, bank, and chicken finally.

If anything I would much rather have a Twilight Zone ending or should I quote my newest rule, 265 The Twilight Zone Beats Friendzone, and talk about being torn between two places am I right. Even more so if you count all the worlds that I have made thus far and in July I’m planning on writing one more and then how about November and this all proves the pen is in my hand or keyboard under my fingers right?

Nothing like writing to give one the knowledge of godhood and people wonder why I talk about sex all the time, as they say, sex is all about power, and maybe I want that power like in “1984.” Happiness shall be in the eye of the beholder. I believe in such a thing as The End; Happy Ending, Why Not?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 335 ~A Little Write Longer~

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Hold on just a little while longer; I told myself that at work, riding through today’s storm, and nearly every single day when it comes to waking up and I believe everything will be alight and why is that? “A Little Write Longer.”

Friday, June 1, 2018

Lesson 335 ~A Little Write Longer~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Can You Love Me Again, did you ever stop, and you’re only holding on for hope in something, so close to letting go but you just can’t because for some reason you believe everything will be alright? How many times this week have I mentioned “Detroit: Become Human,” and one of the things bugging me is “The End,” “And They Live Happily Ever After” or even if they don’t this story has torn me apart Lady Sophia.

What does that say about my writing, is that why I’m feeling so depressed besides witnessing the end of a great story, it’s like going to the movies without reading the book but in this instance the film is glorious, the game itself might destroy me. So many endings Lady Sophia but I’m trying to abstain, and then again I think about the end of my book. I read somewhere that the key to a protagonist is figuring out what they want and making sure they never get it; my main character gets plenty of sex but what about this thing they call love honestly?

“There are two types of tragedies in life. One is not getting what you want; the other is getting it.” Yuri Orlov, Lord Of War

I know I’m always repeating myself but what did I say about my habit of writing the problem over and over, hoping that the answer will someday come to me and even if it did what’s next. If I fail, if I succeed, at least I’ll live as I believe, Whitney Houston sang that but I’m not living at all, too afraid of both outcomes and that’s why I keep writing as if I indeed have much more to say. Stupid how I struggle for the words then and I don’t think they’re missing it’s only the fact that I want so much that The End is impossible and when it comes, well here’s today.

“I wanna stay inside all day
I want the world to go away
I want blood, guts and chocolate cake
I wanna be a real fake.”
Marina & The Diamonds

We’re not immortal Lady Sophia, them again “Don’t Fear The Reaper” instead he fears me but today how many times have I listened to this song. It’s like my new “Easy Street,” and the street is far from easy, passed right by the post office, got caught in a storm, etc. No one knows the future, only one more reason to be a writer, one more reason to live a thousand lives through art because this one life I know I have is going nowhere fast, but I’m moving forward aren’t I or I was.

So I’ll hold on just a little while longer, tomorrow hopefully will be a productive day but who knows the future, that would be writers, but frankly I’m tired and still, A Little Write Longer.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 313 ~Pockets Full Of Miracles~

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Last week I said life should come with a soundtrack, but it didn’t work as well as I hope… what love songs and adult entertainment are pretty melodies, but my phone stayed in my pocket along with other things. Pockets Full Of Miracles.

Thursday, May 10, 2018

Lesson 313 ~Pockets Full Of Miracles~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
Can You Love Me Again and again and right after lunch, honestly an orgasm is one of life’s greatest miracles and should be celebrated as such but then again how would anything ever get done? Truthfully the things men find themselves capable of to have this and in so doing one can create life; no, I’m not trying to make any babies now but when we do celebrate an act of love I suppose works fine.

Valentine’s Day everybody knows what the whole idea of that is but nobody seems to have a problem as long as you dress it in pretty flowers and sweet candy but what about panties, condoms, and toys. Birthdays I guess you have to look at from both the male and female perspective, for a guy that has a girl he only truly wants one thing and maybe something extra, getting in her backdoor, and women… my battle cry at the moment is women are complicated. I have one girl that can’t wait to get married, another who couldn’t care less, and a third that only wants to be desired, as for myself. I do picture getting married one day hopefully, and everybody wondering “Is She Really Going Out With Him? Is she really gonna take him home tonight?” did I mention this would be my wedding day, a miracle perhaps?

“Nobody is wasting nobody. That… is a miracle. And miracles is the way things ought to be.” The Warriors (1979)

That’s the thing though, shouldn’t every day be a miracle, one of the reasons I like porn, miracles are a daily occurrence, the girl-next-door, the maid, the flight attendant, milfs are all available and why stop there, pop idols, movie starlets, cosplay girls *sigh*. A woman can wear a bridal gown but you can fuck her as a wife, a submissive, some drunk slut, some Ravishment and it’s okay. What about the guys, pizza men, strippers, tow truck drivers, the average man, hell I would choose to be any of these guys before I would be the “President” and hell Trump fucks pornstars too right?

“We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. And we’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed off.” Tyler Durden, Fight Club

In the caveman days sex wasn’t anything, but now we have built it up to a version of Heaven and haven’t I said I’m not the caveman but I wouldn’t mind being the sinner, and today I was merely a man wanting a woman but no miracles for me. How did I honestly look at today, as porn, as the last chance to do something great, someone great, it gives credence to the “divine intervention,” but I always heard sex itself is sinful no doubt.

Far from it Dirty Diana, with just the things we keep down below, we have reshaped this world it only took Pockets Full Of Miracles.

“Do you believe in miracles” Al Michaels, Miracle On Ice

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 306 ~So The Bedsprings Sing~

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Personally, I believe life should come with a soundtrack, but sometimes I want a minute to think even if I’m choosing one head over the other but music does have a way of getting into people right? So The Bedsprings Sing

Thursday, May 03, 2018

Lesson 306 ~So The Bedsprings Sing~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
I Am Not Fine Today, and I could tell you a lack of sex is part of the reason why but then you would ask, how long this depression has been. Maybe I haven’t wanted to think about it, and while I could probably provide some songs I want to get married to *shudders* yes I want to deflower a bride but not how you might think my dear Dirty Diana.

That will be a whole different conversation, and I can also give you a list of songs I want a girl to strip with, but as for songs to the actual fucking part, perhaps I should have more hope right? I know sex is a lot more active and as much as I enjoy quoting a song, singing, hell I’ll even dance, when it comes to making love, fucking, knocking boots whatever and however, you wish to describe it, I’m in my head too much. Don’t get me wrong though, I like something soft in the background, something pretty hardcore if I want to play rough but hearing my submissive is what gets me going.

More like a way to drown out my dog’s barking because he will unless he likes the girl as much as I do and when’s the last time he didn’t get pissed at the girl in my bedroom, a long time. As for the music I like, I continue to be a traditionalist for the most part with classic R&B, but I also enjoy “Wicked Game,” “Closer,” and of course your namesake D.D. Of course, I also have a bit of an instrumental soundtrack including the song “Always With Me Always With You” some Samurai Champloo songs, Westworld, and a few video games as well.

Maybe it’s the idea that I have always wanted to make a sex tape so I would rather hear whoever I’m with not that I kiss and tell of course and what porn plays music all the way through, just saying. Comparing sex and porn though; sex and comedy, don’t mind me if I play “I Just Had Sex” or maybe I should come up with a list of songs for after. Didn’t I tell you that sex makes me think and I could come up with a bit of romance
“You/Himawari,” “Wonderwall,” “Nothing’s Gonna Hurt You Baby,” “Escape,” a host of other things and especially the fantastic Ellie Goulding.

“I’ll be in my bunk” ― Jayne Cobb, Firefly (2002)

For right now, all is quiet, I don’t snore (I don’t think), but the dog sometimes does, and I’m not looking for new furniture, but one day I want to admit So The Bedsprings Sing.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 287 ~Fools and Their Eh~

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Oops, I did it again, wasted my time, did my best instead of going out and maybe doing anything else that might honestly help me I mean any fool can write a book right. “Fools And Their Eh,” which I’d be lucky if I got that at all

Saturday, April 14, 2018

Lesson 287 ~Fools and Their Eh~

Hey Lady Lu,
I Am Not Fine Today, best case scenario I’m meh or eh and keeping an eh is a miracle these days but shouldn’t that be what a smile is for, a laugh, or just an honest day’s work. In this movie once, I think they said any fool could make an “A” but keeping it, maintaining it, that was the hard part, along with making it mean something, anything at all.

Maybe I should be talking to Lady Sophia about this, but my work as of late has been eh than A and I’m struggling as to why I even continue with it, even today I only want to hang on to my position with Camp NaNoWriMo. That’s the only top that I can see these days, that fifty-thousand-word total and what does it matter when you’re standing on a mountain of crap? Am I depressed you ask, if I am, I’m bleeding all over the pages which is a good sign don’t you think so Luna?

A which leads to B and I wind up with C, so on and so forth and even if I make it to Z, I would always be looking for the value of X, and I’m as lost now as I was back in those math classes of yesteryear. So what am I trying to say, what do I want to say, and like at work what should I say and that is something I can’t cater to, not anymore, never again though we both know if my “father” walked in here… People must have their A’s no doubt, it gives you value in this world, but no one ever understood I was trying to hang on to that eh most days and what did that get me, I’m Fonzie.

Am I saying I’m cool, am I still speaking of miracles, no I’m saying I get laughed at, I’m believing at some magic time what I am will be acceptable… maybe if we ever get “The First Purge.” Most days, speaking the truth I would like to feel a little bit better than this but I want to write those A’s and dot my I’s and cross my T’s and in the end, doesn’t this make me a fool honestly.

Can I live like this, can I maintain, endure and survive, what is it they say, Fools And Their Eh?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 259 ~Here Comes The Sun~

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I’m not tired, to the contrary I’m quite tired, but it’s nothing that sleep can cure… did I just say that; I’ll probably be out all day but then again how is that different from any other day just slipping away? Here Comes The Sun

Saturday, March 17, 2018

Lesson 259 ~Here Comes The Sun~

Hey Lady Lu,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, but if that’s the case, why can’t I sleep, it’s nearly four in the morning and trust me I slept but I woke up at maybe twelve, and I’ve been up ever since, in more ways than one… Reasons I stay awake and yes being horny is one. Yesterday was a real nail-biter, but I got back in touch with “Cherry,” wrote that song for the dog, talked to Lady Sophia and even worked on my novel some at the behest of “Indiana Gone,” I even went to a movie, “Tomb Raider.”

Hell is that not what my bedroom has become, am I not a vampire, with everything I have survived I must have super strength, I don’t see myself in the mirror, I leave in the dark and rush back to the house, I live off watching people bleed. If I’m not a vampire, I would say, zombie, with my phone I don’t need to have a brain, I eat enough to stay animated, and I’m not too picky, I jump at loud noises and usually have to investigate them. How about Frankenstein’s monster, awake only to do my master’s bidding, whoever that is at the time and if I didn’t have that then what’s next?

Is it my depression, do I need another song idea besides Nina Simone or Usher “Confessions Part II.” Fortunately, that’s Wednesday’s problem, and I’m still looking forward to being employed? Now you can see why I would rather be the monster in this scenario because what was that about not being afraid, again I’ve been up and scared to death about my job before. I wish I could say I’m finishing up everything that I need to do today, yesterday, the day before, reminds me of my math class and just writing the problem over again and again, these days I just make lists that keep getting longer everyday Lu.

You’re not a chore more a habit, and I keep asking myself where the time goes when I’m not looking up porn or sleeping as you can guess, I don’t have much of a life, judging by the things we discuss. So like a real therapist you ask me why I’m not sleeping like someone sane this night, and that is just something else I’m going to have to learn.

What have I learned today, when the day hasn’t even started yet, maybe this is just my standard work time, and that’s sad that I’m getting ready for the inevitable conclusion of getting fired but still Here Comes The Sun.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 252 ~Ode To My Bed~

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I don’t have to be up you know, Lesson 001 was about the things that kept me awake, and here we are now, and all I want to do is sleep, maybe that prevents me from making the same mistakes but isn’t that life too? “Ode To My Bed.”

Saturday, March 10, 2018

Lesson 252 ~Ode To My Bed~

Hey Lady Lu,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, I don’t have bad dreams, there’s no monster under the bed, and in the court of public opinion, I am the boogeyman; I should also say I might save money redoing my bedroom. Hell I named you after the moon Luna, I spend money or pills and energy drinks to rev me up so I can crash, I haven’t made my bed in ages, and it seems to me I love my bed so much that I want to build another room.

These days all my money goes into “bedroom attire” for a friend, I used the Walmart Pick-Up just so I can come back here quicker, and with my current bank account, it’s not like I can go out. Think about the places I go, the movies are dark, and people aren’t supposed to talk, the library which is another quiet place, and speaking of which I have been too lazy to check out my local library recently. A bookstore so I can fill my head with more stories, then again don’t I have Amazon, and what book aren’t I reading this week, ask Lady Sophia.

This moment is one of those times I wish I could blame society, more bullets, more death, some men just want to watch the world burn and my aunt who died some years back said I wanted to destroy the world; call me a Trump supporter because I want to profit. You could say that it’s my Depression, the place I work, everything that went down with “Okay,” worries about life and that would make perfect sense, why I sleep all the time. It could be the fact that even for not giving a shit about people face to face, I care too much, I unsubscribed from so many stores but how many petitions have I signed, how many contacts have I talked to, friends can be exhausting, and I dare to ask for love.

Wee Little Puppy Man is asleep at my feet, and even when he goes out it’s to bring the ruckus, bring the noise, and how about all my playlists of late, almost like a drug. So if I have learned anything today, I should look up the definition of an ode. I need to find something I love as much as my dog and my bed, and honestly, I want to see how it all ends, even if it’s just the rain outside, before the bombs, Ode To My Bed.

I Will Have No Fear