Tag: Depression

Gospel 060 ~Willing To Be Disappointed~

WillLeave a comment

Looks like my Bipolar instincts are at it again, last week was smiling. For this one, well, I can’t say I have seen many happy people, but I only want one and my furry kid as always. Willing To Be Disappointed

Sunday, August 30, 2020

Gospel 060 ~Willing To Be Disappointed~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, but you are gearing up for disappointment. What the Hell were you thinking this morning? More like what was I thinking last night, since it hasn’t been twelve hours yet. What time is it again, and you’re where? How about how do you feel right now. Disheveled, discombobulated, a bit disappointed? Yeah, the D has already popped out once since Freya Tingley in No Way to Live (2016). Talk about a message in a sex scene. While you can’t imagine no Yabbos ever, what can you live with?

The Day Job SIGH. I ask you again, where are you? How did you waste all this time that you had, and you didn’t look at your novel? Of course, you’re going to “be tha first one to bomb and cuss” as Tupac put it. Still, you have only yourself to blame. My damned entertainment because, well, I didn’t finish everything in The Walking Dead. I thought you would wake up this morning. So much for the “Starbucks theory” as you drank it, had a bite, and after a half-hour of Call me a LEGEND, you fell asleep. Disappointment again is the primary emotion. I remember being back in school so “in love” with you know who. I can’t live without her yeah right, but every day I was a failure, and every week there’s Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 012 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 001 No Fap)
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
    Failed
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published
    Failed
  4. I AM Reviewing Raphael By Tillie Cole
    Failed
  5. I AM Going To Bed Before Midnight
    Failed
  6. I AM Finishing The Manual: What Women Want and How to Give It to Them by W. Anton
    Failed

Do you need even more failures? Here’s what we can’t talk about. If anything, it was scrapping my NO FAP 19-day streak that kept me from doing something stupid. Saying hello? On with the music, “But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo,” so you keep quiet right now. Still, the neighbor lady wouldn’t have that. It’s an excuse I know but maybe having to call her back after leaving a note on my door. Wasn’t that all sorts of “particular” of me, and now you have to face more at the Day Job as I didn’t finish my book. Not reading or writing ever, ha. Only I’m no showman. No, you’re not like Chadwick Boseman. If you died today, no one would care. I don’t mean to be so bleak but only factual, which if I learned anything is not always wanted. Like Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published
  4. I AM Reviewing Raphael By Tillie Cole
  5. I AM Going To Bed Before Midnight
  6. I AM Finishing The Manual: What Women Want and How to Give It to Them by W. Anton

So do I have any final advice or sage wisdom? Keep your pants on but be Willing To Be Disappointed.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 361 ~Told By A Willie~

WillLeave a comment

It’s a tale told by an idiot or will be in about five days. Three years of writing this blog, with around 400 words each day, SIGH. What do I have left to say other than being a broken record player? Told By A Willie, ha

Friday, June 26, 2020

Log 361 ~Told By A Willie~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but that would mean I could stop listening to my Willy one day. You know, my Wang, my monster, and Pedro. All my life, it seems I’ve been listening to one Willie or another. The one in my pants, my fears, and of course, my “father.”

Let’s start with my favorite and my worst. It should be said that I’m not a racist, and I’m not only saying that being a Black “Man” in the deep south. Wang and Pedro, for example. I’m not looking up Wang, I looked up Willie once today, and Pedro reminds me of Varsity Blues. Black Lives Matter, but what was I doing with mine last night? An excuse, but “something” happened and between three different women. Mia Khalifa in Graduating Summa Cum Loud, Final Fantasy VII Remake – Hot Tifa Lockhart – Part 48 and my current “obsession.” Hell Lady Sophia, I rubbed one out, so I’m not telling a story of being clean. Right now, my NO FAP story is only eleven hours. What am I going to do when Camp NaNoWriMo rolls around in July?

Oh yeah, that’s one more thing I’m scared of. Besides not keeping it in my pants, I’ve told you about my shoe/feet problem. So that means I’m going to have to get off my ass and go shopping at some point today. Now that explains why I’m talking to you right now. I’m scared of walking into the gas station with a mask on, so yeah, I had to work that out. I still haven’t called about a haircut. As always, I’m worried about My Dæmon. How many times do I have to carry him downstairs? The spam links keep coming, but as far as I know, all is well. Lady Sophia, that’s one of my greatest fears. I will be sitting right here again next year, writing in my bed. Five more days and I will have been telling my story for three years.

A tale told by an idiot if my father had his say. Yeah, I’m not allowing him on my Facebook, and did I mention I’m still blocked by MILF Dos. The fear of losing her has come and gone. I go back and forth between sending more money, trying again, a story without any end.

Why do I deserve an ending, Told By A Willie?

I Will Have No Fear

Log 250 ~I’m Not Sleepy Will~

WillLeave a comment

I do stay up way past my bedtime though, like my furry son, I am much too old to make things so simple anymore, but when my head hits the pillow, there are no ifs, and or buts, now about living… I’m Not Sleepy Will

Saturday, March 7, 2020

Log 250 ~I’m Not Sleepy Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and for One Shining Moment, I fought back sleeping. A small victory, but I’ll take it. Call it being horny, feeding on hate, or as Faith would say Hubris. Yeah, Lady Lu, I still miss playing Far Cry 5, and I’m a bit scared to pick it up again. Story of my life right, as I told Indiana Gone, Depression, but can I call it that if I know what it is right off the bat. Picking up a controller is the least of my worries; my feet, my head, my addiction, it’s like I’m toxic.

Everyone running around saying, “don’t touch your face” I know what I’m trying not to touch. Besides that, my pillow, my punches, and my passions. Again why do you think I’m still up? Yeah, I paid $20.00 to keep watching movies, and I don’t regret it, Lady Lu. Now that also goes for picking up Fast Food because I would get conked out in moments. Anger takes a lot out of you, and it’s what I feel most of the time. I’m burning out throughout the workday. Still, when it comes to accomplishing something meaningful. Well, today (Thursday), Cherry told me about one of the lines of my novella. “Some men are baptized in the blood of the battlefield.” I wish I could say I was so deep on some level and out of 7,000 plus words, which looks sad.

To be in such a state of mind Lady Lu. Do I regret any of the words I’ve written out of anger this week? I believe I will know at some point, but as for now, like sleep, I think not. Here’s another thing about sleeping; I would be dreaming at this very moment. My motivations often speak enough about living your dream. The idea is that most days are a nightmare, and that’s where the Depression comes in Lady Lu. I spend my days searching for another universe to lose myself in; today, I finished another one. Not one of mine mind you but The Five by Lily White. Now that book is going to bring “sweet” dreams of the wrong sort as always. It does beat being awake, though, but here I am trying because, as I read once, SIGH, “Hell is repetition.”

But I’m not dead yet, and I’m Not Sleepy Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 215 ~The Will Is Silence~

WillLeave a comment

Every little bit of silence, I feel hope, funny I didn’t mention how my phone has scared me with every single sound and was that only last week, and now I need more noises to terrify me 24/7? The Will Is Silence, I hope.

Saturday, February 01, 2020

Log 215 ~The Will Is Silence~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I know why people pay so much for silence. It’s always my fault, you know, everything. Now Lady Lu, that’s some noise. The voice inside my head. And not the hum that’s coming through loud and clear now that I’ve cut the fan off. You know how often I talk about gratitude, the one point all my motivations agree on; it never fails. I should have been grateful for the ants last year because even that beats the constant humming. Had I kept my work ethic to see Alice Little, I would have more than enough money to not worry about the problem I’m facing.

A horse, how about my kingdom for a ladder? While I’m speaking on standing tall, I should work on growing a spine. Well, I did get a haircut, but I hesitated at the post office. I wouldn’t honk at the person at the drive-thru, and instead, I was going around. My biggest sin of all? I didn’t call back the electrician on this humming, and why? I’m afraid Lady Lu, of being in the way. The sun keeps rising, the world keeps spinning, and I don’t want to bother anyone. Today I bought a stethoscope trying to hear through the walls. Tomorrow I might buy a ladder so I can get to the roof myself. I’m not suicidal, but I would indeed kill myself before asking for help. Even dying, somebody would have to go around me, and so like I said yesterday, I’m Alive.

How about my poor dæmon, he must be going crazy with the noise, but he stays cuddling me wanting to help. He’s getting too old for all the foolishness though he still barks from time to time. My ear still hurts, and I ran over my big toe with the garbage can trying to make it to the roof. I could have fried myself with all of those switches trying to kill the noise. My greatest wish is for silence, especially now, one more day where I’m not reading. I’m still looking towards my future, so will the next two days come around, and I will be laughing about this problem? What about next Saturday, if I’m not crazy by then or my kid goes all Children of the Corn.

Somehow, One Day, only a second The Will Is Silence.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 208 ~Run, Hide, Something Will~

WillLeave a comment

We should run, we should hide, we should kick their butts, but no, I believe I’ll lie here a little while longer until my dæmon gets hungry if only he knew the man that his dad is in life. Run, Hide, Something Will?

Saturday, January 25, 2020

Log 208 ~Run, Hide, Something Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and that answers a lot of questions. One of my motivations says to ask yourself this question. What do you want to be proud of tomorrow? Today I’m asking myself, am I ever going to leave this bed? Yesterday I told myself I’m not running from my problems because there’s nowhere to run to now. I’m not hiding, but my ear is screwy yet again because I didn’t clean it, Lady Lu. What do you call anyone with lots of cash, who won’t consider the truth? And is by all accounts a criminal and a coward?

I don’t want to be a Republican. With all the stuff I’ve been finding, I better be above all else. Plus, I don’t hide from the truth Lady Luna like Budd and Bill, I know I deserve what I get and the day is still young. No spam phone calls, no suspicious logins, no scary emails from security. Yeah, they’re probably waiting for the Day Job when I have to sit there and stew. It beats lying here in sweat and smut. One more thing that makes me a Republican, having close ties with Russian girls. Oh, and instead of China, I’ve been getting back into Japan, and you know which part. I had a “friend” who would be quite annoyed; I can’t tell the difference between China and Japan. Now, country-wise sure. Only I’ve been racking my brain wanting to figure out where the granddad was from in the movie 3 Ninjas, that’s sad.

Either I’m too lazy to look it up or is it depression. Should I be saddened that I was so out of it yesterday (Wednesday) that I missed NXT? My motivations would say I should show gratitude for the progress I made in Far Cry 5. Now Republicans don’t show appreciation. They only take and then complain someone is trying to take their lives. I’m fully aware of all these things that I have done. Even more so, I’m letting everyone take my life while refusing to live it at all. If it’s not that, then I’m upset about the Day Job having me work so much. What could I have done today Lady Lu? I won’t fool myself into thinking I’m going to read anything, I will only survive.

Run, Hide, Kick Their Butts Blah Run, Hide, Something Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 098 ~The Dead Don’t Need Sympathy~

WillLeave a comment

Why should I worry, rather why should I die, if anything people will still be in tears but most laughing I find annoying and I could do with a bit of peace; ha I was about to say in my life. The Dead Don’t Need Sympathy

Monday, October 7, 2019

Log 098 ~The Dead Don’t Need Sympathy~

Hundred And Fifth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now and still alive. Now I didn’t plan on writing this the day after The Walking Dead returned. Madam Justice, is there such a thing as fate? I didn’t plan on being alive this long, either. Why am I spoiling my good mood? I finished my first Audible book today. So I started listening to Dale Carnegie’s book. Am I worrying; I’m tired as all hell, but for the moment, I’m feeling glad. I guess feeling anything means well I’m still alive right?

When I’m at the Day Job I feel like I can’t breathe. My Firstborn has me rushing around, trying to catch my breath. Hell if I run my mouth at the Day Job, I fear I might overdose on the toxicity of my words. How about what Eric Thomas always says? Fall on your back, because if you can look up, you can get up. If I do sleep on my back it’s because I have work in the morning. Speaking of which, wasn’t I down on my belly kissing the boss’s shoes? If I’m not losing myself to weakness, how about horniness, Xev Bellringer? Okay, I said I’m not suicidal, but that’s okay because people kill me all the time. I don’t expect tears unless I make people laugh so hard. Of course, they’re people who think they can speak for me all the time. Those people, well damn, I don’t choose, I obey.

Madam Justice, there was a time in my life that I thought death was freedom. You know me and my music; as Tupac rapped, “we jump into another form of slavery.” For me that’s Depression and something’s leaking; blood, sweat, tears, and other bodily fluids. Now like I said I don’t expect tears, and this dead man doesn’t need them. You know I never kill myself in any of my stories either. I could be like one of those zombies that need BRAINS! If anything you know I hunger for flesh. I got a sixth sense for that, Girls, Girls, Girls. The truth is I want to live, but I get sympathy there too. Does it sound “deep,” while I’m burying myself to say the dead need peace? I guess I’m a greedy so and so Justice. I’m no Walker though sitting here in my bed.

No more tears for today. The Dead Don’t Need Sympathy.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 032 ~Will Is Still Unwritten~

WillLeave a comment

Waking up to pay a bill and then doing what that charge is meant to prevent, talk about addiction am I right, like buying meds and then going back to the place that made me sick; when will I write down “no more?” Will Is Still Unwritten

Friday, August 2, 2019

Log 032 ~Will Is Still Unwritten~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Millionaire right now, but it’s not written down in any bank. One day I want to write something that isn’t betraying all of my motivations. Hell, I want to write my book that I should have sent off two months ago. I could say something like I trust people. Last night, for example, I had to check out authors from Outskirts Press. Today I should be doing some editing, but what have I looked up recently? Reasons to get back on Patreon, Vault Girls, and again my bank account.

I can tell you the Day Job isn’t mad at me, “Price Changes” SIGH. Didn’t write NO; let alone say it because “I Like Money.” I wish I could say I was watching a comedy but no “Fifty Shades of Grey” clips on YouTube. After our conversation, all I’ll be writing is receipts and how much time I’ve wasted. Now things could always be worse, but I refuse to give those ideas a voice. If anything if I’m not all “pent up,” I need to be getting something done, but you see where that gets me. I’ll have a lot of explaining to do when it comes to those Six Impossible Things. I swear that’s the laziest piece of writing. It never changes Lady Sophia, and we both know why. I want to say I’ll get at least four out of six, but I write fiction and not lies.

Okay so try to write something positive. There are people in the world worse than me in the “adult entertainment” industry. One of my favorite series got canceled, but I wasn’t the idiot who couldn’t find it at all. B III is his usual self, always helping me to get off my ass. Tomorrow always comes but again what about today? How about the opportunity to keep my promise and finally clean up the yard? My zombie/walker killing skills are still excellent. I managed to do the TWD Daily Challenge, and I told Brainbuddy the truth. One of my games is educational, “Bury Me, My Love.” I’m keeping up with the news but is that a good thing? Well I know how not to die but being black in America how do I change that ha?

The story is not over Lady Sophia. All of this which I call my blessed life, Will Is Still Unwritten.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 025 ~Out Of Ideas Will~

WillLeave a comment

From fiction to the real world, though I always like to think I’ll be a hell of a survivor in the coming war against the dead, chances are I’ll be a corpse in bed, flipping a coin of what will make me get up, oh wait? Out Of Ideas Will

Friday, July 19, 2019

Log 025 ~Out Of Ideas Will~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Millionaire right now but not if I keep buying naughty coins. Using my money to buy play money; oh the irony. It’s like a writer writing about an author. I get it, but to me, it sounds like cannibalism. My last two stories, one character owned a bookstore. The one I recently finished was somewhat of a firebrand preacher. Wouldn’t you know it I fulfilled that lady preacher’s prophecy that I would somehow be a Reverend? Now I’m not saying I heard the voice of God. Still, orgasms are a divine state of affairs.

Yesterday I told Dirty Diana that I couldn’t take a naked woman only on that fact. It’s why I know Tessa Taylor Bang Bus “Everglades Adventure.” Cassy “Classy Cassy” SBJ or Maggie Green, site: My Friend’s Hot Mom. Before you nail me for being inappropriate, I respect all of the actresses. I even remember Lauren Cohan from TWD as Maggie Greene/Rhee. If anything this makes me better than most Republicans. I acknowledge evidence of wrongdoing. The point is. However, I keep doing it, over and over, twice today. The oldest crimes in the newest ways but that’s Inspector Echo’s call. I wish I could tell you a new story a happier tale. No, if it’s not naked girls, it’s fear. I think that’s it Lady Sophia, sex or hell Fapping makes me fearless. In a world full of mind-numbing terror, but I’ll do it myself.

I worry about my next breakdown when it comes to porn, so I learn to write some. My novels have the main character yours truly, of course. Usually, whoever pissed me off at the moment; at least three stories have the “basic bitch.” There’s a brothel featuring every girl under the sun, Unforgivable sins and tons of blood and/or an orgy. I don’t want to be Taylor Swift, either finding people to make me feel bad. Disney rehashes the same ideas, but like them, I want world domination. Another storyboard trope. Most of all though I want to quit sitting here with a hundred emails to read. Waking up only went I’m horny, hungry or damn near helpless. I want to tell stories of B III having a happy life. Not just guarding me in my depression if that’s what this is, I don’t know.

Help myself right, Lady Sophia but Out Of Ideas Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 248 ~Will’s Walking On Sunshine~

WillLeave a comment

Wasn’t I all about positivity a few weeks ago, was it all the rain and then too much sun, a lack of Energy; can’t say I know much about hangovers but my head hurts something awful, and I’m vomiting up this. “Will’s Walking On Sunshine”

Wednesday, March 6, 2019

Episode 248 ~Will’s Walking On Sunshine~

Forgive Me Echo,
How To Make One Million Dollars, in six months mind you, half a year wasted. So maybe I should invest in that sinus antidepressant, but that’s my first sin today. While I despise my anxiety, I can’t afford to be happy; a smile’s not required moving forward.

“If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.

Think I’ll stick to the ground, for now, my head is usually in the clouds but go one day without an energy shot. Damn you 5-hour ENERGY as if I don’t have two bottles ready to go. If it wasn’t for that, I still had to go out for the car and sink tools sigh. Life finds a way I heard in a movie; it gets you up and moving. Eric Thomas and Tom Bilyeu both talk about passion. You know I write everyday Inspector Echo but only when my feet get put to the fire. Tell me B III is hurt, a pretty girl is coming by, my car is damaged, and I’m out the door. Hell “Okay” and “Indiana Gone” both want me to get published, and I’m looking into it and buying my PS4′?

“But it’s only on the brink that people find the will to change. Only at the precipice do we evolve. This is our moment.” The Day the Earth Stood Still

Now if it isn’t my cowardice, I mean fear of everything, that I’ll be alone, that she won’t like me, or getting stuck. I still drag my feet, and that’s if I’m lucky, I was barely able to get out of bed, and of course, my mouth looks like I kicked myself. Anyway, I can’t be happy; I am on a slow trek of surviving but as lazy as I am if you count my blog. I have written nearly two novels, 120,000 words each, that’s something isn’t it but to what end. Again I turn to my motivations which say you must add value to the universe and no I’m not suicidal. Still tripping into a grave wouldn’t be such a bad thing Inspector.

“When you can’t run, you crawl, and when you can’t crawl – when you can’t do that…”

“You find someone to carry you.” The Message

A reason to find religion, only my son is so much stronger. I don’t mention his heart condition much and excuse me for waxing poetic. He has such love no wonder, but that’s dogs, in general, loving all us humans. How about the fact that even as a dominant I’ll fall to my knees over some boobs. Harley Quinn, The Lady in the (Blue) Dress, Okay, the list goes on. My those bouncy delights keep Heaven light because plenty of guys are going to Hell. A thought that makes me smile because I’m sure there are a lot of uglier things than me down there. THEY say it’s what’s inside that counts, but I am sorry Will’s Walking On Sunshine.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 169 ~I Want To Be Sedated~

WillLeave a comment

I might as well have taken a job as a mannequin, ask for me tomorrow and I will be a grave man, and today I wish I was invisible or maybe I should have found somebody to cover for me. I Want To Be Sedated, and yeah I probably need a doctor.

Monday, December 17, 2018

Episode 169 ~I Want To Be Sedated~

Sixty-Third Rule Madam Justice

How To Make One Million Dollars, stay awake, if that means downing energy shots, embracing the fear, even crying; Stop Crying Your Heart Out, would say to suggest I got a heart, guts, or balls.

When you’re asleep, the monsters can’t get you, and with all the nightmares I have, not one of them compares to living them when I’m awake which brings us to today and while I want to cuss or use many words synonymous with my name, let’s Pretend We’re Dead. How I wish I were so I wasn’t there, a ghost at least, invisible perhaps; could I be deaf so I don’t hear my foot kicking my ass, maybe I didn’t understand my manager, probably I didn’t hear that girl; it was a rather innocuous request, give her something to remove hard tags. You know Justice I think I finally understand something about my parents… when they would give me those pills before I began flushing them down the toilet, I believe they wanted me to be normal but you know what went wrong, they killed who I was without question.

“Come on – You eat these. Eat these.”

“Are you trying to kill me?”

“No, sweetheart. I’m making you not care.” 28 Days Later (2002)

I’ve told you before, I never got bedtime stories, during the spring and summer I got Benadryl for allergies and slept forever, at school I lost myself in novels, at work its music, other times it was meds, sometimes beatings, all to kill who I am. What about religion, what about writing? Every move I make is on the grounds of not having to face the coward I see staring back at me, so scared to ask someone their name.

Some find solace in alcohol, some in food, some in facing death but honestly when being asked to go to the front of the store and ask a question makes me want to fall? Hell Madam Justice, I have rarely taken the highway, I don’t look at fast-food menus, I wash my car rather than go and get it cleaned. Okay, this sounds more like Inspector Echo’s territory, but the fact of the matter is, well, one of my Motivations talked about how many decisions we make per day, good ones anyway and how many of mine go to how to keep breathing you understand.

How about what they call Confidence you say, that’s the real sedation, talk about not caring and staying wide awake, immunity to the world but that cure is beyond me at this point, but to quote another one of my Motivations “It’s Possible.” I never forget you understand but I can numb myself to plenty, you still remember “that girl” putting my name on her blog, the family that probably wants me dead and I’m in for trouble at work tomorrow gulp, but I’m awake, I know, feel, and believe, I Want To Be Sedated.

‘With endless love, we left you sleeping. Now we’re sleeping with you. Don’t wake up. X’” 28 Days Later (2002)

I Will Have No Fear