Tag: Honesty

Episode 158 ~An Air Of Will~

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Ball gags, panties, and girls to wear them that is me being nice because I want people to shut up for a while, my anxiety spiked today, and it was like I couldn’t breathe, and what was it I wanted in that moment, who knows. “An Air Of Will”

Thursday, December 6, 2018

Episode 158 ~An Air Of Will~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
How To Make One Million Dollars, want it more than anything else; one of my favorite Motivations is when Eric Thomas, retells the story of Socrates, saying that when you want to succeed as bad as you want that next breath, you’ll be successful. I also remember the Hentai “Isaku” where one of the male leads speaks about what he’s willing to do to have what he wants and considering what he and Isaku do to their victims… there aren’t words.

Well yeah, there are but none I’m in the mood to say despite the WARNING if anything I only wish people would shut up at the moment and while I consider communication a factor to good sex, well part of being a Dom, is the ability to read a submissive. Honestly, BDSM is a lot of paperwork and then Green, Yellow, Red, unless we’re talking about “No Safeword” by Claire Thompson, talk about Dominant goals. Better yet talk about reading goals, that’s what I’m missing right now, delving into literature, again with the Motivations, one said that Bill Gates reads a book a week; if anything that’s what I want.

No Dirty Diana, you would say all I want to do is sleep, one more reason I would prefer a submissive that isn’t a masochist… those tendencies sure, but the worst thing you can do to a masochist is ignoring them. On days like this I would be too wrapped up in my pain, and while I’m not attempting to make Christian Grey out as a decent role model, the sadist in me, making someone feel an iota of the hurt that I endure and then resting in it accepting it. Yeah, I’m not looking for the answer, I want the silence but within it, the tears that I’m not supposed to cry, those breaths I can’t seem to catch, the shading I can’t see on my face, how idiots would say I tried blushing.

Christian was reliving his childhood through his submissives, women who reminded him of his mother; my mom is powerful, intelligent, a survivor; hmm and usually quite apologetic for the men in her life, she would apologize for my “father” forever. My mom could never tell anyone how he hurt her and while I’ll never be a man that harms women as he did, my ravishment fantasies, wanting someone that can shut the hell up under duress, An Air Of Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 157 ~Willing To Waste Words~

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How I thought I was wasting words with my novel but one week out and the words are still going nowhere except to the wrong people, the day job, a few porn sites and Pinterest must hate me I’m sure. Willing To Waste Words

Wednesday, December 5, 2018

Episode 157 ~Willing To Waste Words~

Forgive Me Echo,
How To Make One Million Dollars, the question I ask myself every day or at least since September and my first sin for today and why… because when I’m not coming up with an answer, when I’m blabbing away like yesterday to the future wife, and what about TRYING? I’m sure I have told you often that I hate that word, goes right up there with things like “just kidding,” “I’m sorry but,” “that’s interesting,” and of course STUPID, one of these days I’m going to write a list of trigger words.

Funny I use the word trigger because words are like bullets and the fact of the matter is why does one want to use them, I despise hunters, well trophy hunters, don’t give me thoughts and prayers, and while I’m no Republican and I hate the NRA, I don’t want an outright ban. I’m losing my analogy… what I’m saying is, I don’t waste words on the meaningless, I don’t have TIME for that, and yet every single day, even if I’m not talking to people, the words come out and the harm they do regardless. You know I also hate people making noise for no reason, take for example A Quiet Place, and people arguing that the family should have moved to the waterfall or Pontypool because people can’t shut up or die logically.

The thing is this is my story and about my sin so of course, I start with my son, the sins of the father no doubt, I tell him, no, to go lay down, even to shut up and here I am doing all I can because I would not be able to take that silence, my second sin. The third as I said before I have been blabbing away not accomplishing anything because I only want to be done, I want to go back to sleep. So for the fourth one how about when I’m genuinely getting something down, my browser history, Pinterest, Instagram, and any number of porn sites, I know I have looked up much worse things, not to mention my novel…

Words have power Inspector Echo, a few moments ago the word was “Yes” and we know how that word has so many connotations and if you asked me right now what the meaning of that word is, I would tell you guilty of a fifth sin. Can you forgive me for not having a better answer or any worth writing, for not being more careful with “B III,” and letting myself babble away, also I’m building a dictionary of porn and not using Yes for the right reasons because I’m always Willing To Waste Words.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 156 ~Love Can’t Will Time~

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Honestly, it’s not NaNoWriMo making me cry, but I have been so out of it lately, and today I wanted to break down; I swear a shoulder, a lap, in a minute I’ll be like “B III” looking for comfy spots on the anatomy. Love Can’t Will Time

Tuesday, December 4, 2018

Episode 156 ~Love Can’t Will Time~

Dear Future Wife,
How To Make One Million Dollars, I wish there were time, but I’m too busy making it for someone else which is why I want it so badly, not the money, but the time it takes, can you imagine, especially in these last two months? I can’t be sure about the saying money Can’t Buy Me Love, and I’m not saying you’re Gold Digger (am I dead yet) what I mean is if there were time and there are days I work so hard for a dollar…

I would love you like Bedlam, Pandemonium, the walls of my skull because I would need you to wrap me up in your arms, to have my back, to stay by my side, to keep me in, more than your thoughts and prayers though you are the one person I might believe. Love in itself is a form of insanity, and I hope I never recover but at the same time, the things that are known to hearts and minds, to the soul, people talk about love in terms of forever, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, did I mention I’m a traditionalist? You see love doesn’t have to tell time because it is always there but as I said today, why can’t I be, my head hurts, my heart feels on the verge of shattering, I don’t want to move, my eyes say the soul needs a rest day now.

I want to love you like one of my novels, You’re My Latest Greatest Inspiration, and sometimes I’m going to think you’re the best thing ever, and I can’t wait to tell you anything and everything. Other times I don’t understand anything at all, and I’ll kick myself because I know I should do better and I’m going to look at us and set my alarm for later, I’m going to starve, I’ll count every minute because I can’t go to bed with us like this. As one of my motivations says, greatness takes a lifetime commitment, and that’s what I want for us, this is what I’m willing to give but to love you and to live, how I need more time, more tries, to figure out why having two opposable thumbs makes me wise somehow or another.

Evolution, man, lover, husband, father and then there are times I want to be a boy standing in front of a girl asking her to love him, and sometimes that will be easy and other times like today… I can see more hard days on the horizon but it doesn’t take all day to recognize sunshine as John said in Fear The Walking Dead, finding love even in the apocalypse, so Love Can’t Will Time.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 155 ~Are You There, Break Through~

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Maybe I miss cracking open a good book, eight hours a day doing something you hate is enough to anesthetize one’s heart, and that’s great to keep the monster locked up in his cage I suppose. Are You There, Break Through.

Monday, December 3, 2018

Episode 155 ~Are You There, Break Through~

Sixty-First Rule Madam Justice

How To Make One Million Dollars, don’t rob a bank, don’t sell off the things I enjoy, and while I liked gambling on horse races once upon a time, that didn’t exactly pan out in the end. Now I take this rule in several different ways but let’s try two tonight, one is something, someone getting to me and the other is me “trying” to get somewhere but which do you prefer dear Madam Justice?

“My wife used to say I’m a hard man to know. Like a closed book. Complained about it all the time. She was beautiful. God, I loved her. I just didn’t know how to show it, that’s all.” Andy Dufresne ― The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

Do you know why I admire heroines so much, Katniss Everdeen, Beatrice “Tris” Prior, Ember Miller, MacKayla Lane, how about the dozens I read about in erotica, these are women who test the hardest of men and no matter what they take what these men dish out and keep coming. You know what makes me hard Madam Justice and I mean that in a completely non-sexual way… I can already read my tombstone; I need a woman that can break through a mausoleum, walk through hell, I’m the dragon waiting for the princess to “keep” the psycho with the basement, the zombie that wants to come back to life. Damn if that’s not a good story idea and speaking of which why do you think all my stories take place at the end of things; if I was the only boy and she was the only girl sort of way.

“Hearts are wild creatures, that’s why our ribs are cages.”
― Elalusz, Found On Goodreads

Now on the other side of the pillow, when I’m not locked in some stupor, I always feel like I’m on the verge of exploding in rage, bawling my eyes out, or any number of things I want to keep up inside. Take “The Girl in 6E” for example; hell writing is only one more cage to confine myself in, cover to cover as it were because if I let any of those inspirations out; Shusaku, Isaku, Kisaku, Mold by Barbell, Vault Girls… “Okay” asked do I fear failure, far from it, if I fear anything it’s that once I let this all go, who I am will disappear forever because it’s as if I need to destroy myself so others can’t do it ever.

I’ve said it enough, I’m a greedy S.O.B. be it pleasure, pain, and power, the thing is I don’t dare to open that door at all Madam Justice, I don’t fear the monster, I want to join him more than anything, but it’s the difference between Alessa and Sharon… (Silent Hill, I use a lot of heroines don’t I?) So I’m sitting here wanting something to come through, but I don’t know if it will be good or evil, right or wrong, choose the form of the destructor and all, what’s one more reference, Destroyed by Pepper Winters “Hazel and Roan” to have such control but something is coming honestly, Are You There, Break Through.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 154 ~Well Wish Me, Will~

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I rarely wish anymore; I don’t ask for miracles, wait and hope or more like fear, I can’t tell count how many nightmares I’ve endured, but none of any prophecy as of late, yet I wish to go back to bed and turn off and on my lamp. Well Wish Me, Will.

Sunday, December 2, 2018

Episode 154 ~Well Wish Me, Will~

To Will:
How To Make One Million Dollars, well you don’t wish for it unless you’re the President, some other political party figure, or one of the proles and they each get a dollar even that seems much too much for the President and again the party. Excuse me for getting political, but I know you’re planning on making your million and how to get out of Day Job for it; if November were any indication you’d work, but Retail is Hell on Earth honestly.

Tis the season of wishes, hopes, and dreams and my how they have changed since childhood; most nights you wish for the simple, a clean bathroom, an unfrozen car, for “B III” to live forever, you hope not to be humiliated, you dream you could sleep forever. A suicidal sentiment but to Rest In Peace, shouldn’t we want that every night, shouldn’t we want our breaths, the beats of our hearts, everything good and best to come to us all “Johnny On The Spot.” Of course every week a plan is in place to become a better man and have I, will you be, well according to Six Impossible Things:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 002 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
Failed (Day 002 No Fap)
2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
Failed
3. I Will Review Sell My Soul (Sixty Days #1) by Jade West
Failed
4. I Will Review Depredation By Natalie Bennett
Failed
5. I Will Finish Dancing In The Dark By T.L. Martin (Goodreads)
Failed
6. I Will Finish My “NaNoWriMo”
Completed

I wish “Triple B” could talk because the first question I would ask him, is he happy, needs his nails clipped, medication time is constantly in flux, a bath would be good, a few other incidentals but he’s lying here on vacation. Three authors aren’t worried about anything I have to say and contrary to the opinion of NaNoWriMo, the world doesn’t need your novel, and something worse than a 17.5 F isn’t going to make you feel any better. Plan for this week but why bother, you’re busy being a prole, gambling on the probability, the possibility, of dealing with fewer people when you need only deal with one and his Six Impossible Things:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 002 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
3. I Will Review Sell My Soul (Sixty Days #1) by Jade West
4. I Will Review Depredation By Natalie Bennett
5. I Will Finish Dancing In The Dark By T.L. Martin (Goodreads)
6. I Will Edit One Chapter Of My Newly Written Novel

Always the wish is to be a better Will than yesterday, to show tomorrow what is coming so maybe one day your “magic lamp” the one sitting on your nightstand is minuscule compared to everything else; my the wishes we have made, to wake up, watch TV, wonder. Yes, wonder and not plan on the future when the walls come tumbling down, to have the power to make your dreams become a reality and yet serve every Master but yourself, how you make their dreams come to fruition, so they do, Well Wish Me, Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 151 ~Buttons, Zippers, Tied Will~

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Buttons, Zippers, Tentacles, oh my did I finish one more novel tonight, but I don’t pay for sex, maybe some women will… am I that confident that my book will sell? “Buttons, Zippers, Tied Will,” nope not honestly but my hands are free now.

Thursday, November 29, 2018

Episode 151 ~Buttons, Zippers, Tied Will~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
How To Make One Million Dollars, how much do women get to take their clothes off, whatever it is, they probably make more than their male counterparts and talk about a job I would do for free. Tonight though the only buttons that I’m taking apart are my laptop’s and with another Fifty Thousand words in the hole, I’m surprised this thing hasn’t fallen apart much like my sanity for No Nut November, a failure right?

Not NaNoWriMo though, after I mean, clearing my mind I finished the last nine hundred words and I couldn’t zip my lips from bragging about it, even now I’m thinking about all the ladies I wish would open up, the MILF, this portrait I’ve become obsessed with, a fellow writer that I know. Seriously I need some handcuffs, but I would use them for all the wrong reasons; as you know, I’m not one for leather or even rope. Fucking with clothes on or using a girl’s clothing in some exciting ways, panty gags, tied up with bras, and why I continuously attest to being a breast man, hiking up skirts and dresses, nice legs… Yeah my BDSM tendencies aren’t going anywhere, one more thing about being in control, which is why I’m a writer, I have one word for you, “Tentacles,” to this day I still remember how I discovered Hentai, Princess Ayeka *drools*

A guy can dream can’t he and isn’t that what I’m doing because who am I to say what erotica does to women… that’s something worth looking up beside other things men are always looking to press women on, publishing, in their bachelor pads, and making porn. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s getting so cold outside, you know I’m only looking forward to Winter for one reason, and yeah I won’t be pressing so many buttons late into the night, at least not these anyway. Lately, every button I’ve pressed has been something terrible, my novel, a can of bug spray, cutting on the defroster in the car because yes I drive yet one more ice cube these days.

Zippers are no good, my coat, bags of candy, and when I do have to put on my jeans I won’t be going anywhere fun, but I’m going to see what movies are playing anyway because I’ve got the time. Well, maybe not if I expect to make that million dollars and already I have to spend money on my clothes, my winner’s T-shirt, a new hoodie, nothing that makes the panties drop because, Dirty Diana, Buttons, Zippers, Tied Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 150 ~Will Took So Long~

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It’s a little earlier tonight, but I still won’t be getting a full night’s sleep, eight hours, six, funny, but if I even get three and tomorrow I should be done with NaNoWriMo, one more novel but honestly *sigh* Will Took So Long.

Wednesday, November 28, 2018

Episode 150 ~Will Took So Long~

Forgive Me Echo,
How To Make One Million Dollars, is a year too long to wait, three months in, I’ve nearly written a novel in one, and when’s the last time I ever accomplished my list of six impossible things though if all goes well tomorrow… When’s the last time I got over five hours of sleep in a row, how about when I last did laundry, or I felt completely safe in this house; do any of these equate as sins or should I blame NaNoWriMo for it all?

No Inspector Echo that in itself is one sin that I’m looking to blame anything else other than me with anything that’s going on but if you want another crime, it’s that I’m “TRYING” you know how much I hate that word because it’s not doing. Perhaps a third sin, taking life lessons from Star Wars but am I different with my novel which should count as a fourth sin because it is indeed the worse thing I have ever written and why did it take me a month to realize that? How about the idea that I’m sleeping too much after work, never five hours though this would be the fifth sin but why am I staying up all hours of the night right?

“Indiana Gone” might count the fact that I never have any faith in myself but at this point what else do I have to give, other than to work, my writing, and the small amount of sanity I’m grappling onto and you know what I’m holding exactly, not books, beauties, or a full stomach. Hell, I still have plenty to eat, but at this point in life I smell like potato chips and work, even this morning I gained twenty minutes of sleep as I skipped a shower, I washed up in the sink, still had to get to the day job always. That’s seven right, the eighth is the fact that I’m not looking at the positive, tomorrow all that is required is a final nine hundred words, this weekend may be quite shiny if not for the immense cold, and Youtube’s musical selection has been doing wonders to keep me going despite everything.

A ton of forgiveness you’d believe right but still forgive me for blaming NaNoWriMo, where would I be without it. I’m sorry for more trying and less doing. Why can’t Yoda be a hero, only I’m more Vader wouldn’t you say? My apologies for horrible writing and my terrible sleep schedule, my lack of faith, for giving into every vice, sloth, and lust for the most part, and finally for who knows, finding success and saying, Will Took So Long.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 149 ~Sea Will, Cue Waterworks~

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Last week I was defending the house and this week t should be bedtime, maybe family time, and of course it’s the last week of NaNoWriMo, so yes plenty of writing and no dreams of the beach. Sea Will, Cue Waterworks

Tuesday, November 27, 2018

Episode 149 ~Sea Will, Cue Waterworks~

Dear Future Wife,
How To Make One Million Dollars, because the last thing I’ll be asking you to get me is a beer and I don’t care if you drink… in moderation, if only I could do my writing as such these days. Started From The Bottom now we’re here right, from those days when I was buried in bed sheets or drowning myself with tears with one more book, and I know you wish I were here more honestly.

Sitting on the beach with my laptop watching you and the children play in the waves; a woman that dares me to be brave because of all the apocalypses I’ve written about none of them have involved the deep blue sea, and of course, you know why that is. Hopefully, you won’t find me someday, face down in a bowl of soup or Chowder, I don’t think I’ve ever had that, and again I wouldn’t ask for it. Not even so much for a glass of water but the fact that you would care to bring me one; why is it that I find love so Complicated, yeah sometimes the music helps with my writing, and sometimes you find it annoying or maybe not I’m so lucky you’re caught up.

I remember when talking to you worked up a sweat and not only a deadline; I suppose one day I’ll have some other than the ones I impose on myself, “B III” wondering when’s dinner time, the two-legged kids wanting playtime, and the things you’re up too. When it’s not my novels that have me feeling some weird way, it’s the thought that again I want to stay on this beach, to have enough to afford a yacht, and I enjoy fishing, what about a wine cellar, I barely drink the stuff but being a wealthy writer… It means pouring my blood, sweat, and tears into this but I want to be the man that’s getting you chicken soup when you’re ill, sitting with you asking why Starbucks exist, to toast cold nights with hot cocoa with plenty of marshmallows and some whip cream too.

For now though, it’s an energy shot and you baby girl, are you mad, should I be afraid, and if I were to be a typical man, yes I will work on the bathtub at some point because it’s reminding me of InTown Suites bathrooms… or the day job *shudders*. Now I’m not sure if I honestly do need a drink, chocolate, something dripping in cheese or butter, maybe smothered in gravy, until that day you convince me somehow on our vacation to go Under The Sea Will, Cue Waterworks.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 148 ~Push It To The Limit~

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Writing has become my cocaine or maybe my “personal brand of heroin,” but I intend to kick by the end of this month and go right back to being lazy about blogging and maybe getting a few more hours sleep but first 50,000 words. “Push It To The Limit”

Monday, November 26, 2018

Episode 148 ~Push It To The Limit~

Sixtieth Rule Madam Justice

How To Make One Million Dollars but in truth, I have no limit, yeah my motivations are still kicking in, the motivation to tell the General Manager if he wants Thursday he must give me Saturday, how about to finish NaNoWriMo and of course the war continues to rage on. I think it’s funny how people are supposed to be limitless when it comes to the pain but when it comes to pleasure and power, it’s always in moderation I see more often than not.

I should be talking to Lady Sophia, but even now I feel pretty lazy as if I should press on with my novel especially since I lost Thursday but you know I have a limit when it comes to people (currently 0) and Saturday was going to be way too much. Speaking of which, *sigh* what did I mention about the war… the TERRO Ant baits said they should take about two weeks, so we are waiting into the second week, and again I was ready to announce victory Saturday. How about how many ways there are to distract myself from what I should be finishing, I love “B III,” you know “The Walking Dead” has stuck with me and of course my motivations to become that much more motivated.

Now If I Had $1,000,000 would I be happy and I know, sadly Madam Justice I wouldn’t be so what if I had more, where would the limit exist; here I am trying to produce fifty-thousand words in a month and not one of them would get me to HAPPY, LOVE or POWER. Still, I’m willing to “try” for a future I have mortgaged a month of my life, for pests I have spent maybe fifteen bucks, for my son… I have no clue what I have spent or what I wouldn’t be willing to do for his life. One more concept, we need limits, I need NaNoWriMo’s to get my novel done, we need laws because most people are stupid and cruel, I need “Triple B’s” to keep from imposing a cap on my life for the moment at least; is that crazy Justice?

This whole conversation would have to be so, but Tony Montana didn’t see any limits and look how he turned out; oh yeah probably not that great of an example but how for a moment in time he reached and kept going. Anyway, I have it pretty easy don’t I, one year YouTube videos, the next, my blog, three NaNoWriMo victories, my kid’s alive, so this life that I live, Push It To The Limit.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 147 ~The Language Of Will~

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Every time I go to speak, it comes out as a yawn, a tapestry of obscenity or praise for B III; how I wish I could know appreciation for keeping myself alive and all that’s required is taking pills slathered in peanut butter. The Language Of Will

Sunday, November 25, 2018

Episode 147 ~The Language Of Will~

To Will:
How To Make One Million Dollars, with NaNoWriMo nearly over I have been lost in my Motivational playlist, I have done you the courtesy of adding it to Youtube, but one of the phrases I remember is something to the tune of, keep your mouth shut and work, let your success make the noise. I’m going to tell you this second that one of your goals this week, will be to finish “Plague Two Pay” even if right now it sounds like Star Trek Deep Space Nine “Babel.”

Social Anxiety can be a real bitch (Language Please), but there are times like these I don’t think it’s “SAD” but more like utter exhaustion; the way I have been speaking this weekend can be chalked up in one word, Zzz… If it’s not that it’s the marching of God only knows how many feet, but as the song goes 99 Problems, but I’m not missing any bitch yet (again Will). If I do speak actual words they have mostly been “Take your medicine puppy,” “such a good boy,” or “not right now” so you already know what I’ve failed with those, Six Impossible Things:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 002 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
Failed (Day 002 No Fap)
2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
Failed
3. I Will Review Sell My Soul (Sixty Days #1) by Jade West
Failed
4. I Will Review Depredation By Natalie Bennett
Failed
5. I Will Finish Dancing In The Dark By T.L. Martin (Goodreads)
Failed
6. I Will Continue “NaNoWriMo” 12,600
Completed

What’s one more 17. 5 F and in this case, the F would stand for; yeah, I’m not going to say but with my Motivations, that F should start the mantra of Find A Way and haven’t you today, giving yourself another 1,800 words for the novel. What about going out to make some money though you’re already $150.00 down “Grammarly” that’s for your career, nothing has staunched the idea you’re going to make it as a writer and shouldn’t that count as a real blessing. Can you be glad that this is the last week of NaNoWriMo and what will you do with all your time after that, editing is going to be a pain in the: yes save the dirty words for the story and the overwhelming exhaustion for these Six Impossible Things:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 002 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
3. I Will Review Sell My Soul (Sixty Days #1) by Jade West
4. I Will Review Depredation By Natalie Bennett
5. I Will Finish Dancing In The Dark By T.L. Martin (Goodreads)
6. I Will Finish My “NaNoWriMo”

Words like Easy Street, Rested, and Happy don’t come to a man like you, but you have to start thinking positively, and I’m sure you don’t want me mentioning, Motivation, NaNoWriMo, or Ant one more time but fact vs. fiction, you have a chance at finishing one of those. Once you stop playing pretend though, what comes next, what does it take to be Phenomenal other than hard work, kicking everything else to the curb, how about a lifetime commitment, writing The Language Of Will.

I Will Have No Fear