Tag: Honesty

Episode 078 ~Find People Worth Suffering For~

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Today’s word is ow, I should probably say sin, sacrifice, and suffering but yes pain encompasses all that, and I’m not suffering for anyone but me and who the Hell am I honestly? Find People Worth Suffering For

Monday, September 17, 2018

Episode 078 ~Find People Worth Suffering For~

Fiftieth Rule Madam Justice

How to make One Million Dollars, or is he, she, or it worth that much honestly but haven’t we already covered my little boy with Rule Twenty-Four Be Who My Dog Deserves, which was also Lesson 261 I’m just saying.

Now sure I want plenty of things and there was a time I spent afternoons at the track for horse racing, and then I fell into Blackjack, Poker is a bit more complicated but speaking of which I’m sure I’ve told you about the Blackjack Scale I use when it comes to people… Anyway this morning I was thinking about The Purge and The V Games from “Ven” by Ker Dukey and K Webster, and it’s a tossup between what I would do to protect another person over what I would do for let’s say revenge. Either way, people bring about sin, sacrifice, and yes suffering and while I would go through Hell for a laugh what would I do for another’s happiness, in the end, be the joke *sigh*?

I look back at some of my poetry, and I can see that while in one way I so wish to honor women, I do the exact opposite, but still, those words were hours off my life, things better left unsaid perhaps but women are always talking about a man’s time. Hell Madam Justice, the time I have spent doing things this morning, I’m not proud of, but like most of my gender I am an idiot and believe you me every day I’m Hustlin’. Nah the keyword is suffering.

So what makes a person worth suffering for; as I clued in “Indiana Gone” a friend is a girl you haven’t slept with yet or a guy willing to throw punches in your defense and as always I’ve avoided doing any fighting. Hatred is suffering, but so is love, so the real question is which hurts more, and I answer love but what person do I love, does need even count, I hope not. If I’m breaking this rule by not searching for somebody to like, is there anyone out there looking for me, and I’m sure the Christians would say Jesus, but you do know you’re talking to someone skilled in all manners of Torture Methodology Dear Madam Justice.

Of course, I have no problem finding people to hate, but that fire, while it burns, is but a candle for today because what will I be doing after this… suffering still especially if I plan on going to the movies tonight; what might happen, Find People Worth Suffering For

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 077 ~A Well Written Check~

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Already I know this is not my best work, I’m sure the first time I wrote this out I said something profound and inspirational but no, as with my goal of having a million dollars I’m just signing my name and handing this off. A Well Written Check

Sunday, September 16, 2018

Episode 077 ~A Well Written Check~

To Will:
How to make One Million Dollars, well to start I definitely would not be talking to you again; one conversation a week right and as much as I want to blame Grammarly, we can chalk this one up to human error, yeah such stupidity, so do I condemn you or me? Well if anything the point of the story is to save, as I said before *sigh* I knew you wouldn’t forget about the concept that I came up with last night which is merely by this time next year you are going to be a millionaire right?

That’s right, and here you are unable to save your work, to write you need to bleed, and these pages are the bandages, and here you are reopening the wound that you already cleansed, what more of a definition of self-harm is there? How about going to the day job you hate, how the General Manager would love to hear you say that, it would give him more of an excuse to fire you but keep thinking about this time, where will you be? I know I said something about Carl Johnson (CJ) and “hardcore gangster shit!” that kept me sane when dealing with Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest and I could use some tunes right now or more YouTube virus watching (actually watching fictional diseases), but you know Six Impossible Things:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 005 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
Failed (Day 004 No Fap)
2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
Failed
3. “I Will” Review “The Art Of Peace”
Failed
4. I Will Eat A Bowl Of Cereal Every Day Before Leaving Here
Failed
5. I Will Finish “Ven” by Ker Dukey and K. Webster
Completed
6. I Will Edit At Least One Chapter of “Apocalypse Rush” (Novel)
Failed

I know this is not what you needed to hear again, the same failures reiterated twice but hell considering how much time you wasted today… does Karma work when the only person you’re hurting is yourself? Yeah besides sleeping what did you do today, you said something else about “Stuff And Thangs” Pinterest boards this, edging away to actresses that, and that you need better role models other than zombie killers, and GTA gangsters to be sure. Too bad you still haven’t come up with an idea to make that million you’re going to make within eleven months and some change, though this only popped into my head last night with these Six Impossible Things:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 004 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
3. “I Will” Review “The Art Of Peace”
4. I Will Eat Breakfast Every Day
5. I Will Finish “Church.” By Stylo Fantome
6. I Will Edit At Least One Chapter of “Apocalypse Rush”

Yeah, this week is off to a fantastic start, but already you’re proving you’re lazy as how long did this conversation take before but you are experiencing firsthand what rage can do to a person and if you can keep this same fire about everything you do this week? Find a pretty girl to call you skeevy, talk about opening the wound again or find four black men to piss you off but The Man Right “Chea” is doing fine isn’t that right, with a 17.5 F someday maybe you’ll have, A Well Written Check.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 074 ~The Turncoat Has Will~

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From “The Day” to this past week, living all alone in America as a black man, okay sure I have my son but finding a good woman… okay, today is never about finding a good one, but sweet maybe, and so I’ve had to look elsewhere. “The Turncoat Has Will”

Thursday, September 13, 2018

Episode 074 ~The Turncoat Has Will~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
Give Me One Reason to feel bad about it, as the song goes; we’re all the same color when we turn out the light, the thing is we’re all looking for that brightness be it a video camera, to be better than who we are or dare I call it love.

“White women don’t bring nothing but trouble.”

“That ain’t white women, but women.”

“That’s your women.” Save the Last Dance

Now before I get zealous, erudite, or racial let’s talk about Colors… of clothes that is because my battle standard is usually black and red, I’ll let Wiz Khalifa do Black And Yellow, though if we were talking a girl in a little black dress or yellow sundress… I’ve found that I like bright colors on women just as you’ll usually see me in black, anything to mix with darkness which seems to be the underlying theme, black and white, salt and pepper and take for example women like Zoe Kravitz and Alicia Keys. To quote another song, I got sunshine, on a cloudy day; now I could go on and on about how I want a woman to dress, but that’s a long story; only a woman that matches me in black, a thought.

How about the whole blonde vs. brunette, I told “Okay” that brunettes always get me going but why; even more so if a woman can go back and forth, for example, this MILF I know or Andrea Logan White. How about Jennifer Lawrence but don’t get me wrong I have a thing for all kinds of hairstyles and colors from redheads to black hair so it must be something else. Still brunettes I mean damn.

Speaking of that or more Damnation as most people will think I’m wrong for this because this past week I’ve been fighting with black men but when it comes to black women I know two good ones, my mom and “Indiana Gone.” When I was young, I had maybe a “fetish” for Asian women, somewhat now, but I wouldn’t call it that anymore but I could see myself falling for such a woman. My idea though of being with a white woman, if anything it is only experience, the idea of repeating the same thing and expecting a different result, and when it comes to black vs. white though I am reluctant to use this word I find umm happiness.

Dressing is one thing, hair color, okay, but it has nothing to do with skin, black people have made it abundantly clear I’m not black enough, worthy of anything, one of them so yeah say You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’ while wanting to fuck anyone else well yeah it’s a decision, The Turncoat Has Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 073 ~Rage Against The Will~

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This song says “love is the answer” but that will be true when there’s no one left to hate and on the day to day I find only hatred and no I ain’t scared of no sheet, no confederate flag, or swastika, no my enemy is my own. Rage Against The Will

Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Episode 073 ~Rage Against The Will~

Forgive Me Echo,
Give Me One Reason not to because I have said before like the “Lord Of War” you can’t fight your biology; to think last week it was a crime that scared me to death and this week it’s a crime of death, and I am not afraid. Maybe I should be but I can’t, and that’s my first sin, the fact that I want this more than anything, my blood to boil, to burn, and indeed want to breathe, believe in RAGE.

Rage
Everywhere
I feel it
Can’t help it
It burns
Through my heart
And my soul

Rage
Consumes me
Every look
Every smile
I want it done
Tears
Don’t fall

Rage
The pain
Insane
I must be
Death
Theirs or mine
Don’t care

Rage
Such a
Misery (the poem RAGE)

Like sex it’s a biological imperative and especially in America a more socially acceptable one, nearly once a week it overcomes someone for one reason or another so what is that for me, you want to know, do you honestly, because none of them do. Every work day I have people coming up to me asking how I’m doing but today there was nothing, maybe they could sense it, I know I still do, and like sex, I know neither, sin, satiation, or satisfaction. So why do I feel this way… some say laughter is one great medicine and no I won’t sit here and say don’t laugh, hell Inspector Echo it’s my best form of camouflage, I type out LOL a dozen times minimum, I might indeed mean it, I even call myself Le Marquis De Joker on occasion…

And I would call it a plague
how this fever infects
me, I sweat

summoning up the blood
which can never assuage
the disgust, the dirt, my name is mud.

Better though, tears for fears,
than this need to purge, to clear.
I lock the monster in its cage

the white walls of the page.
A mad world of ink,
kink, mystique, doublethink

Don’t rage, rage (the poem Vial Rage)

“Oh yeah! I love jokes! I love all kinds of jokes. But you know what I don’t like? I don’t like people trying to kill me, hurting my family and my friends, and destroying the whole world as I know it. That just doesn’t sit well with me.” Toys (1992)

“If you ever loved me, don’t rob me of my hate. It’s all I have.” The Count of Monte Cristo

My second crime today is the fact that I have let this go on for too damn long, in the name of getting along, of professionalism, of attempting to be a decent human being, see I learned something today, these aren’t people I’m dealing with now. I swear I would make a great Neo-Nazi or KKK member because I was ready to scream… okay speaking of crimes, that might account for hate speech and nobody reads this anyway but again being reasonable. Lastly, when did this start, you know Inspector Echo I have no problem giving orders, but I am not an ignorant leader, and if there is one thing in this great big world I can’t stand it’s looking, feeling, and knowing, I’m STUPID.

Stupidity my greatest sin of all, so no Inspector Echo you don’t have to forgive me for my rage, no I’ll happily go to Hell for that, but I apologize for the time, for wanting these motherfucking moronic assholes to die (nothing racial there right) and for being so stupid, I Rage Against The Will.

“Dear Lord, Please forgive us for all the sins we have brought upon us. And look down upon us with forgiveness for the sins we will have in the future. I know you understand that niggas ain’t perfect, but we try lord. We try to keep our heads up in bad times. This is a bad time, show us the way. And if you can’t show us the way, then forgive us for being lost.” Sweet Pea, Baby Boy (2001)

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 072 ~One Willing Word Maybe~

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When somebody laughs at me I want to punch them in the face (yeah that’s kindness) when a pretty girl flirts, is it wrong to think about wanting to kiss her, and when someone says they love me well… One Willing Word

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Episode 072 ~One Willing Word Maybe~

Dear Future Wife,
Give Me One Reason to say I’m sorry because I’m sure I will be, probably more than I’d like but there are some things in this life you can’t control, and for everything else, there could be an apology. That’s why mine will be the genuine article, I’m not sorry you got stuck in traffic, it sucks when people at work are assholes, it’s not super when this that or the other happens, but I am sorry I can’t make it go away for you my love.

Like when I tell you You’re Beautiful, do you think I sing that out to every girl I ever knew before; sure when I began writing it was To All Of You and my pages were my wings, how best to reach an angel. Then I found you, and that is when I discovered my voice again, you made me brave enough to say such things, so when I say such a thing to you, there aren’t many that can say I was willing to give them a word that held all that I am. Beautiful, I’ll call you that a million times over, I’ll show you in every way that I can along with Love And Happiness. However, we choose to define such things because there will always be such things as pain, hurt.

Now my mother never taught me that, if you can’t say something nice but when I am quiet when my words don’t come, well you know more than anyone that I will lose myself in music. Again I will lose myself to writing because how could I ever speak a word that would cause you heartache, What Kind Of Man Would I Be to utter a terrible sentiment to the one that I adore? My father taught me to despise lies because you only do that to the people who you hate, he would know more than most. Then what about our children love? No I don’t hate them what I mean is Santa, pain, what about all of life?

I suppose that will be kindness, to protect them for as long as we can from a world that is full of lies and hungry for the truth. So when I say I love you and them, when I call you my own, when I read them stories, I don’t want to open my mouth out of ignorance or fear. It might take a little while, it may involve me finding such words as courage, discipline, wisdom, because I refuse to be one more stupid man, you deserve better than that and with a yes, with I love you, when you Stay With Me, without a word, your name becomes my One Willing Word Maybe.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 071 ~Everyone Will Hurt You Someday~

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I don’t want to hurt you, but everyone makes it so damn tempting that it’s hard not to want to partake, why can’t Trump sign off The Purge, considering everything else he does but no I suffer in silence? Everyone Will Hurt You Someday.

Monday, September 10, 2018

Episode 071 ~Everyone Will Hurt You Someday~

Forty-Ninth Rule Madam Justice

Give Me One Reason to deny this, people are a pain, so is life and love, and I don’t mean to sound so bitter right out the gate but honestly, the fact that I’m not in jail (for putting someone in the morgue this time) is truly beyond me. So who hurt me today; Madam Justice I’m a believer in “Black Lives Matter,” but there are reasons I don’t date black women, why I don’t have any guy friends besides the dog, black people *sigh*.

“You mock my pain.”

“Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.” ― The Princess Bride (1987)

I told “Indiana Gone” today that if I were a white man after today’s events at my day job, well then give me a polo shirt and a Tiki Torch and I would be out there marching I mean dammit don’t we all have the right to live? Maybe it’s the fact that these people aren’t worth suffering for and that’s all there would be, in fear, in rage, and most of all in truth and that’s what hurts most of all. My entire life is spent suffering for others, and then when it comes to love well that makes everything seem pale in comparison, it makes it worthwhile and while I love my boy like pancakes this pain I have from these fucking people…

“truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” Bob Marley

Rule 49 is, of course, a two-part rule, but to know that people will hurt you, to understand it as if people have ever attempted to appreciate me; you know I always say someday, but here I am hurt today, humiliated, hate personified by the very race that cries justice. No Madam Justice that’s what I demand, a white co-worker asked me a week ago ‘can black people be racists” and I told him “of course” but compared to his race it’s a drop in the bucket but the thing is in my thirty-four years of life I have more reason to hate black people than white. I’ve been spit on once, fired probably twice but by my people, terrorized, beat up, rejected, abused, and nearly killed and am I a racists Madam Justice, or sexist for that matter, women?

“… but the truth is that I dislike most men as much as I dislike women. If anything, I am an equal opportunity misanthropist.”
― Andrew Davidson, The Gargoyle (Goodreads)

I’m a sadist Madam Justice, though I should probably save that for Inspector Echo and Dirty Diana only it’s a little bit funny that when I do hurt people, it’s those I have no beef with, and I never harm animals, okay I smash bugs, nobody’s perfect. I’m scared that one day I will find someone who loves me and I’ll want to put them through Hell if only to understand why but these people today… I hate them so much that they ain’t worth my time to hurt but Everyone Will Hurt You Someday.

“From the moment I met you, all those years ago, not a day has gone by when I haven’t thought of you. And now that I’m with you again… I’m in agony. The closer I get to you, the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you- I can’t breath. I’m haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me. My heart is beating… hoping that kiss will not become a scar. You are in my very soul, tormenting me… what can I do?- I will do anything you ask.”

“… if you are suffering as much as I am, PLEASE, tell me.” ― Anakin Skywalker

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 070 ~Will’s Wonderwall Written Withdrawal~

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It has taken me all day to work on this and why is that, because I’m an addict needing a fix and no I don’t drink or smoke, and I graduated from DARE twice, but still here I am. Will’s Wonderwall Written Withdrawal.

Sunday, September 9, 2018

Episode 070 ~Will’s Wonderwall Written Withdrawal~

To Will:
Give Me One Reason other than my hands seriously need something to do, and you haven’t taken a nap all day, and soon you’ll be in so much pain so better to get this done right now. As if I got anything done this week, I know you’re feeling like a junkie, a comfortable one at that but still with all the worry and surviving and no I won’t make up excuses, if there was but one win, well you’re on the couch.

Things could always be worse, wouldn’t that be the title of your biography, you don’t look for the wins, hell you don’t even acknowledge the comfort zone, today’s word would be WANT. For damn sure it wasn’t WISH, and maybe we should stop talking about that if we aren’t going to talk about how to get that done, the who what, when, where, and why but of course you have that answer. Will to WORK but I’m banging my head against a brick wall there aren’t I, you know which head I’m talking about, but yeah this is my fault, alright these Six Impossible Things:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 003 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
Failed (Day 005 No Fap)
2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
Failed
3. I Will Survive “The Day”
Completed
4. I Will Not Get Arrested, Be Not So Fearful
Partial Completion, Did Not Get Arrested
5. I Will Finish “Ven” by Ker Dukey and K. Webster
Failed
6. I Will Edit At Least One Chapter of “Apocalypse Rush” (Novel)
Failed

Women *sigh* not even a week in and already you’re ready to lose your mind and with all the books, and writing that you aren’t doing; if there is anything to celebrate it should be number four but living in fear might as well count as a failure. What did I say about words too, even getting our conversation out is a chore unto itself, and here I thought you were a better man than me, a year older but another number is the last thing you need. Wondering about everything in this life when handling the bare essentials is one more problem you have yet to face, already spent this week’s budget and what about your kid, and of course those Six Impossible Things:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 005 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
3. “I Will” Review “The Art Of Peace”
4. I Will Eat A Bowl Of Cereal Every Day Before Leaving Here
5. I Will Finish “Ven” by Ker Dukey and K. Webster
6. I Will Edit At Least One Chapter of “Apocalypse Rush” (Novel)

When you build walls Will you must have a purpose and if it’s only to knock them down, why would you even begin; because whatever lies on the other side is worth the strength you must gain. That’s fear for you, isn’t it, hell life in general, the terror was your creation, but with everything else, well you know how that is but you must take some responsibility, yes more motivation Whatever It Takes Will.

Right now you’re scratching, hell damn near clawing; you want to get over there so badly that it hurts and I don’t know what to tell you friend, but this is Will’s Wonderwall Written Withdrawal.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 067 ~Will A Bit Longer~

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I tell you one day I’ll get over this, no not the “The Day” that haunts me as long as I live but getting over being afraid of Pinterest which I should perhaps add to my list of dirty words and not in a fun way. Will A Bit Longer.

Thursday, September 6, 2018

Episode 067 ~Will A Bit Longer~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
Give Me One Reason, other than I haven’t found forever, hell I’m not sure I even want it, again at this stage in the game I only want to be Dennis Hof but still, I am a traditionalist, on the eve of thirty-four and I do want that “nuclear family.” A conversation better suited for the Future Wife but any wife of mine should know what it’s like to have her hands tied up and how I wish I could do the same to Time itself.

“Synchronize your watches.”

“I don’t know how to do that.”

“I don’t have a watch.”

“Time is a construct.” (TAG)

We never know how much time we got right Dirty Diana, and how often do they say live every moment, every breath, hell every word as your last, and we don’t, do we because we’re afraid of being labeled skeevy, perverts, sluts, whores, cum dumpsters *sigh* dirty talk. You can call a girl by her name and be labeled a stalker, a fuckboy, a creeper; focused, that’s my problem, I don’t hide in trash cans, work schedules, addresses, I’m more like, put her in my next book, keep my hands off of her but on pen and paper or my keyboard. I still believe I dug my own grave yesterday telling the truth, hell Alycia, Alicia, Alicia, or Alexa, Alexa, Alexa, one got me into trouble because she’s brunette, the other’s not black enough, another animated, one I wanted to know her name, I’m a fan of Amazon, and the WWE, my sweet buttery Jesus.

Maybe Rumpelstiltskin had the right idea hiding his name, 1984 with Newspeak, Fahrenheit 451 destroying books; women talk about periods, and it scares men to death, “Cherry” fashions herself a modern-day Lolita (she’s 21), Liv Morgan calls herself a juvenile delinquent (WWE), then there’s the whole DDLG/DDMG scene in BDSM. I do much worse Diana, what about the book Ravishment: The Dark Side of Erotic Fantasy by Desmond Ravenstone, a polite way of covering up a certain fantasy am I right; don’t speak it. Le Marquis de Sade didn’t give a fuck, and some call him “the freest spirit who ever existed,” but where did he spend most of his time… one more reason bondage is fascinating, and my cell is one of dotted i’s and crossed t’s just saying.

Sometimes I believe the time is never, to publish my books, to ask questions, to be with someone, as the song goes What’s My Age Again, don’t make me repeat it, so much time and yet to dream of such maddening Power so need I truly Will A Bit Longer.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 066 ~The Will Of Law~

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If you’re reading this, then I’m a paranoid loon, I swear in the era of the #MeToo; when girls want to be pretty but don’t you dare look, when you skip a porno website for Pinterest and feel a million times worse. The Will Of Law.

Wednesday, September 5, 2018

Episode 066 ~The Will Of Law~

Forgive Me Echo,
Give Me One Reason not to get arrested other than the fact that “The Day” is bad enough as is, I’m an adult, and I don’t want to see any new improvements in police vehicles… been there, done that. Somehow or another I needed to make this week worse for myself, but at least I’ll get busted at the house or the library, I couldn’t take it at work, damn this FEAR and damn Pinterest but how shall I explain this time?

Anything I say will be reminiscent of the Harmonic War, haven’t thought about that since forever and every day this week, I’ve thought about the police, perhaps my first sin is that of contemplating suicide, a knife in my neck… the prison system in America, terrifying. My second sin is giving into temptation or again the fear, so much for NO FAP, but if I were sticking to that I wouldn’t have so much anxiety and stress but oh no I have imagination, and that is not a good thing. Okay, so what did I do… *sigh* Fear The Walking Dead, I have a Pinterest board featuring the ladies of the apocalypse, and Alycia Debnam-Carey is one of my favorites.

Season 4 Episode 10 “Close Your Eyes” Alycia stars with the “little bitch” (I didn’t call her that, Skybound reactors did so there) a.k.a. Charlie, Alexa Nisenson so, I’m adding to my board and Alycia gets me in a mood, which leads to “edging” and so I see a Pinterest lookup feature, of course, it looks up Alycia and Alexa. I’m going to look up pictures, this is Pinterest we’re talking about and wham I get hit with one of those warnings that lets you know you’re honestly skeevy, haven’t I spoken about words you can’t use in particular company, and a picture is worth; who knows now just saying.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have some fakes of Alycia but this warning freaked me out and despite any picture, no women, no nothing, origami paper shapes I meant to send to “Cherry” since she likes them this warning kept popping up. Now was it a fluke, I’ve had some tech issues lately but how I would want to quit having nightmares of the Catholic Church or Chris Hansen, because of a full grown woman of legal age and a young actress that starred with her seriously.

Alycia Debnam-Carey And Alexa Nisenson

I’ve got about an hour, maybe less if my fear does not take me, my mother has stoked the fires talking about police cars in my neck of the woods, paranoia or the end, I haven’t felt this way since first seeing “Little Lupe” (porn star). Will you forgive me Inspector Echo, for the prospect of death that has both frightened and comforted me these past days; for not sticking to NO FAP; how about for admiring Alycia and wanting to know Charlie’s real name.

Little Lupe And Why I Lost

Last but not least, for rushing back to the house, yes my mother got to me with her report of cops in the area, I even drove by work, checked my emails and my Facebook friends, and a local neighborhood report, I must be crazy but The Will of Law.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 065 ~Will Wait For You~

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Last week I talked about time, and now it’s moving at a snail’s pace, when something you’ve grown to love or even someone makes it clear for one reason or another that, well I don’t know, I feel like I’m on the verge of losing. Will Wait For You

Tuesday, September 4, 2018

Episode 065 ~Will Wait For You~

Dear Future Wife,
Give Me One Reason to wait, other than I needed to read “The Manual: What Women Want and How to Give It to Them” by W. Anton, don’t laugh you’re here now right, and I still consider it my Bible and fourth favorite book. I didn’t wait when the moment finally came to talk to you; I do wonder how many years it took, the breaths, the steps, heartbeats and of course the fear, stupidity for courage, I call it insanity, a whole twenty seconds worth, then:

Finally, females tend to give males advice that only works for females, such as telling them to take their time, let love come to them, that they will meet someone when they least expect it, and it will “just happen.” But the only reason those things work for females is that they rely on males taking action.” ― W. Anton

Even after all this time I’m not sure which scares me more the moment or the wait, glass half full or half empty, I’m more the type there’s something to drink, I wait for you like Schrödinger’s cat sitter. It could be like telling the boss man I’ll think about something and then getting put on the schedule anyway and sometimes it works out, mostly it doesn’t, but I don’t know how to quit you and I never would. It’s not sleeping, and so I clean, I watch YouTube, I write, my Weapon Of Choice for a long night, choose one, not all isn’t that right, then again I multitask.

Sometimes I wait for you as though my little boy has another tick in his ear or he hurt his paw, and I listen to him cry out or look at me when the vet says he stepped on a pinecone wrong. Maybe it’s like when my brakes cut out, and I backed into a tree, and somehow I still got to work, left and made it to the auto shop with six hundred dollars, and the repairs were four hundred. It’s the time between thinking I’m stupid or Pinterest is and forty-eight hours of waiting to lose everything, to know humiliation, the fear of neither taking action or wondering what I’ve done wrong now.

I approached, pursued, won, and now I must improvise, adapt, overcome which takes, thinking and waiting, for what; I love you, I believe in you, and still this life that I lead, what we share together, I feel at any time can be, I don’t know. In the end, though you’re here, everything a man like me could ever want and I Believe love is the answer. If I have learned anything in life, there’s such a thing as love at first sight but even now my love I suppose I Will Wait For You.

I Will Have No Fear