Tag: Honesty

Lesson 235 ~Skeletons In The Closet~

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I’ve never been the one to lay my coat in a puddle of water; I offered my hoody to a girl once to protect her hair. I’m interested if I remove my hoody because I’m hot and bothered, but I don’t care what I wear. Skeletons In The Closet

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Lesson 235 ~Skeletons In The Closet~

“I said I’m sorry mama!
I never meant to hurt you!
I never meant to make you cry, but tonight
I’m cleaning out my closet.”
Eminem, Cleaning Out My Closet

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, though why do I get the feeling I used this theme before, in any case, I have plenty of sins this week. Maybe, for the most part, it’s “Minority Report” things I will do, things I have done but nothing in the present moment, another blessing of being alone, you can’t hurt anybody at all but yourself.

Last night, for example, I discovered I’m haunted still from the sins of my past, but I gave that crime a name, and even now I won’t do it again but did it not take courage to do it at all? To hope gives one courage or it can drive you mad, like Emeric Marceaux, but his hope brings high reward as he got the girl in the end, and he avoided looking like a pervert or with all his wealth he was allowed to be, but he wasn’t. At least I think so honestly.

Tony Montana talks about money, power, and then the woman, I’ve skipped the second step because I don’t have enough money for the first. I told a friend once who is perpetually naked because she complains she has nothing to wear, that I thought women liked pretty clothes. Funny how that works, when you have the girl they want clothes, but if you find beautiful things before getting the woman, then you’re creepy, sad, skeevy. Same old sin I suppose that I have to get out, that I have to purge, but there has been too much time on my hands, amongst other things also.

“If she only knew how many size-seven replacements I’ve bought her. The whole damn closet behind me is filled, not just with shoes, but clothes and bags and… Jesus, I sound like a psychopath, even in my head. I’m not even a shopper. Fucking hate it.” Pam Godwin, Dark Notes

There’s not just one reason to watch porn; I could be like any other guy, but no. I’m the one looking up what an actress wears, I’m the one buying things and putting them in my closet awaiting her arrival, and I might as well be one of those guys buying a “RealDoll” or a Fleshlight. Aren’t there worst things to hide in the closet, guns, drugs, real skeletons, but no just pretty clothes and sex toys, and “if I were a rich man, Yubby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dum” no worries there.

You might think that would worry me though, my sexuality, my fashion sense, the last time I was trying to take some girl’s clothes off rather than put them on her, but I’m sorry it doesn’t. I’m sorry I don’t get out more, I’m sorry I would instead air some clean laundry because I’m still sitting in my dirty laundry, I’ll probably be sorry if anybody sees all of this but Skeletons In The Closet.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 234 ~Just Look At Me~

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Michael Jackson once said keep it in the closet and other than all those pretty colors and outfits, how about my wife, who is complaining she has nothing to wear and personally I have nowhere I want to go, so can’t we stay home? Just Look At Me, I am

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Lesson 234 ~Just Look At Me~

Dear Future Wife,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore only aren’t we always honest, has there ever been a straight answer to “does this make me look fat” or “does this make my butt look big” and how many years has it been since “Just The Way You Are”? I’m not Aladdin, but I will ask if you trust me, I’m not the Genie, but somehow I catch my breath, my heart starts beating, you knock me off of my feet and somehow love lifts us up where we belong; am I annoying you waiting here?

I’m sure I do with my million and one questions, which is why I don’t mind yours but you have mirrors, girlfriends, a dog though I’m sure he loves you for more than a dress my love. To think if love were blind I would probably still find myself in some husband’s chair listening, but I think I have a good fashion sense, don’t believe me? It’s not the hoody or the pair of jeans, some sneakers but the two of us hand in hand.

You know I’ll never complain about us being in the closet as long as I’m helping you or do you prefer when I say nothing at all. Like how much you love my dog when I see everything that has to go in the laundry, should I be jealous maybe? Not when I know how much we love each other when there are paint stains, grass, and moss, dinner, how am I going to feel when the husband chair also becomes the daddy chair someday.

If our daughter has our fashion essence, I might seriously consider us joining the Amish folk; I swear where does the time go, that’s right you’re still in the closet. Would it help if I told you the “First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” … ha, my dastardly plan worked, you coming out here to get my phone right.

Honestly though, if I told you what I saw when I first saw you, what I felt, what I wanted… let’s just say that I’m glad you’re not like other girls. Maybe I’m just happy I didn’t say nothing too stupid or profound, comparing you to a summer’s day or god forbid an “autumn” night.

The only thing that looks good on me is you, cause I got issues, but you got ’em too, saying something stupid like I love you, whatever could I answer that would convince you to stay home? Why would we ever, just look at me.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 233 ~What’s Worse Than Hate, Indifference~

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I’m a lot of things, to a few I am even a man if not The Man, and those few times I look in the mirror or how I feel, I know it. Only humans can be so annoying, we can be loved and hated but what’s worse hmm? What’s Worse Than Hate, Indifference

Monday, February 19, 2018

Lesson 233 ~What’s Worse Than Hate, Indifference~

Twentieth Rule Madam Justice,

I Am Not Afraid Anymore though time has passed since I was fear itself; when I was in school my slogan was, the best thing to have is love, if not then be liked, at least be respected, barring that be invisible, and if all else fails, be feared. Another day, another school shooting, well a few days ago so maybe I shouldn’t knock hate, at least hatred makes sense or insanity but to just not matter, to cease to be, that’s indifference, that’s Hell.

“You don’t think I’m ordinary?”

“You couldn’t be ordinary if you tried.”

“Thank you. I don’t think there’s anything worse than being ordinary.” American Beauty

Now how can anyone hate words, but “interesting” I find lazy but “whatever,” is the worst just edging out “just kidding” because whatever to me eliminates an idea? Yes I know I’m guilty of using all three but the last time I used all of the above I still talk to the person daily, like, love, and hate can be the most exhausting things ever. What about silence, at work my first amendment rights are being curtailed and telling people that you honestly don’t care, hell I don’t talk to my family and vice versa, but again I am exhausted.

Hating though is one thing, to hate means you once cared, even if it was a Luke Skywalker moment of wanting to kill Kylo Ren, but once there is nothing left to love, hate, or fear, you’re capable of doing the most monstrous of things. Better to feel too much than too little isn’t that what they say and that’s also the problem, people trying to tell each other how to feel. When you do that to someone they feel as though they’re not understood and when they aren’t being heard then what is the point of speaking at all?

Another reason I put such value in words, for someone that hates most people, thank goodness, I do see the importance of communication, as in my dog, but solitude is also a blessing. Hate can destroy but I think it’s the moment that we cease to care, a time when a person is seen not as a human being or less than what they are, and they know speaking, crying, screaming won’t help they are made indifferent and notably dangerous.

“Can’t even shout.
Can’t even cry.
The Gentlemen are coming by.
Looking in windows,
knocking on doors…
They need to take seven
and they might take yours…
Can’t call to mom.
Can’t say a word.
You’re gonna die screaming,
but you won’t be heard.” Hush

So love if you can, like, respect, and if somebody chooses to be invisible, take it as a blessing, because the moment everything is lost including hate, there is but indifference, and the return of fear and goodness knows I hate, lust, I feel shame. What’s Worse Than Hate, Indifference

“If you ever loved me, don’t rob me of my hate. It’s all I have.” The Count of Monte Cristo

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 228 ~Came On The Internet~

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What do you say to them, can’t I just nod to whatever because that’s all they want if not a good laugh at my expense, to think when I was a kid, I wanted to be a comedian for quite some time and nobody was laughing at all. “Came On The Internet”

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Lesson 228 ~Came On The Internet~

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore because my dog won’t embarrass me with his attempts at words; more often than not I find that I envy him. At work, I’ve always wanted to tell people that my dog barks all the time too but at least he’s trying to accomplish something, so what are they doing with their mindless chatter all day anyway.

Not that I could ever imagine to get out anything so eloquent, part of the reason I didn’t call HR back; to think I was all fire and brimstone before. Speech is my sin for today, the fact that I can’t talk to anybody and at the moment I don’t quite want to which is another reason my dog is a great conversationalist. Honestly, I can’t even order hot sauce without humiliating myself which is why I told the guy at Buffalo Wild Wings, “I came on the internet,” I meant my order of course.

Today being Valentine’s Day though I haven’t done that… even spending most of the day in bed, I’ve been recovering. I could say I’ve had worst Valentine’s but this one again in bed, with something I love, if not someone, I have chocolate, and I could go a few rounds with someone… If I wasn’t required to get up and find her and even if I could, what would I possibly have to say? If I could quote my life in three words right; “Don’t Say That” yeah that’s probably going to be a rule that I’ll keep breaking; man has no choice but to sin isn’t that right Echo.

If that is the case then why is everyone else allowed to be stupid and wasteful but I’m expected to shut up or worse, that everything I say is considered a joke. No, I can top that, “family friendly,” “skeevy,” even my name “WILL” when it comes to the bitch that shall not be named. Even today I have to email HR and what am I going to tell them, uh… the truth, which will lead me back to the office and more stupidity honestly.

My dog can’t catch his breath when he’s eating so much, maybe that’s the ticket for me, books don’t work, earphones, and everything else, people always like to talk and are they not entertained? Are you not entertained Inspector Echo, if not I am sorry; if it’s not my words, my spit, some other bodily fluid; came on the internet?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 227 ~Why Can’t Today Be~

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Valentine’s Day, I can’t say I know much about it and perhaps like most men I curse Hallmark and nearly every other retail outlet but loving your woman is something you should do every day. “Why Can’t Today Be,” other than being short one woman?

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Lesson 227 ~Why Can’t Today Be~

Dear Future Wife,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, just maybe I should be, and with all the fear I should feel there is nothing in Heaven or Earth that would make me turn around now. Though they say Hell hath no fury but then wouldn’t that melt all the chocolate, you didn’t think I would forget, the first bullet dodged.

Like the first mountain climbed, that one rock skipped, the first step taken, and I know this jewel is not as big but while some men try I will do whatever I can so that you may shine. While I’m no one for history anymore and I couldn’t tell you the day of the gold rush I know what today is and besides they never taught when the silver rush is, do they? Quite careful when picking those lessons like so many roses, lilies, chrysanthemums, there must be a million types of flowers, but at the end of the day there is only one you.

One you and I celebrate you 365 days and if there is a leap day that’s mine and even now I would rather spend it with you if I could. Now I know you’re not that type of girl, you’re not like anyone else, so why not tell you all this tomorrow like any other guy and you know I probably will. Because today is today, I don’t understand how I can call it so, but it was an ordinary day when we first met, our first date, the first I love you, how many firsts on an average day? Who knows what will happen tomorrow, the world may be brighter, a lot shinier, a lot more colorful, and I will love you even more.

The same words but I will be only one of the chorus, I’ll have to be louder, you’ll have to glow but to be sure I would pick any other day in this big full world, anniversary, asking your father for his blessing, even your birthday. To think there was a day that we weren’t together; was it worse trying to find you or a gift trying to keep you, I know I don’t need all of this but am I sure, absolutely, positively, hmm.

That’s the day I’m waiting for, the night, the moment, not today, not tomorrow but one ordinary day when I know, give me that my love, Why Can’t Today Be?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 226 ~LOVE Is A Great Power~

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What’s more powerful than love, I can think of a few things but wouldn’t that mean I love them because I adore the idea of power, one day as Scarface put it “The World Is Yours” or how about Captain Planet “The Power Is Yours.” LOVE Is A Great Power.

Monday, February 12, 2018

Lesson 226 ~LOVE Is A Great Power~

Nineteenth Rule Madam Justice,

I Am Not Afraid Anymore because I understand more than most that “Power Is All That Matters” but that’s rule thirteen, and today love’s a form of power. Love can bring down God itself if people were to walk away entirely, so what chance do mere men have; better men than me have been brought down by this universal concept.

To this day I continue to quote from “The Eternal,” it’s a disease this thing called love, and I know how dangerous it can be; the real deal Madam Justice and the last time that happened for me, it was furry and walked on four legs. Thirteen years later, come tomorrow, and I am still a slave but as am I so he is too; don’t even get me started on women though, talk about no one man should have all that power. In today’s world, however, the mention of the word love though seems to have weakened, it no longer holds its sway, and this is just one more reason I am looking for more but what is greater.

“With great power comes great responsibility.” Peter Parker, Spider-Man (2002)

Now unlike let’s say 1984 I believe that power takes on many forms, many faces and love is just one more, a primal nature even before the word was born, this is merely the word used to define it. Some talk about love is magic; love is madness, love is master and king and makes fools of us all and while everyone else plays the fool? Well again I am not immune to it either but I acknowledge it for what it is, and I would control it rather than be at its mercy. Haven’t I learned love is not born our servant, we cannot master it, but there is more Madam Justice, I think?

“Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men.” John Emerich Edward Dalberg-Acton

Love is much the same, not that I would call all great men corruptable but what would you do in the name of love, the second circle of Hell is strangely the understanding that you were willing to do such things, for the power of “love” if even for a second. Dollars, revenge, life, but love, if you have a person’s heart, I think you should beware; I am not afraid anymore, truly because how many people love me now?

I love my dog, I love my mother, but how far is that love, how would I define it, is it my love or someone else’s that controls my destiny, LOVE Is A Great Power.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 221 ~The Way You Lie~

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Lie to me, you’re going to have to, I’ll hate us both, but this is the least I can do because you don’t know me, so you’ll make something up. And like the genie I am, I will make your wish come true and become what you want me to be. The Way You Lie.

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

Lesson 221 ~The Way You Lie~

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, and that is probably the biggest lie I’ve told, no fear, how I have repeated it nearly two hundred and twenty-one times, a hope, a prayer, a lie, a big fucking lie.

When I was a child I became an atheist, a choice and yes this is a “sin” for another time, but because of my cowardice, I would tell people life was terrible, that life sucks, instead of acknowledging how I felt about the church. Sometime later my father confronted me, threatened me and asked what was I going to tell people, how did I feel, and I said “unwell,” and after another threat, I lied. Inspector Echo *sigh* I lied and not to those people, not to my father but to myself and that was the killing stroke, ask me why I hate God, and I could give you a million reasons but the fact that I can’t be me, why should I fear Hell?

“That’s what hell is. Forgetting what you were.” Malleus Maleficarum

Before you ask, I am well aware what an atheist is, not a hatred of God but a complete denial and maybe it’s this whole made in his image that has me asking today why do I hate myself, hell I got to keep my job, didn’t I? Questions upon questions, why did I get to keep my job, and I answer because I became that little boy again, I agreed to lie about who I am, how I feel, and everything because I hate these damn people, and why? Tell me why I choose to hate, because they allow themselves to wipe my existence off the earth and I let them because I hate myself infinitely more every day.

It’s probably the only reason I’m still alive, why I don’t fear to go to Hell… I know it, the fire, you see flames have names, guilt, lust, rage, but lying, that has to be the biggest one for me, I cannot stand a liar. If you knew everything I was lying about, more like omitting but Inspector Echo every day I lie here and show every secret I dare. I even told my manager and district manager, I’ll pretend of course if I get paid, I’ll lie to save my ass, I’ll use lies as weapons, but the truth is so much worse. You learn deceit as quickly as you embrace hate and that is my sin Inspector Echo, I made their lies real.

So forgive me Inspector Echo for accepting those lies, for making my life a lie, for covering their fear and hatred as something I deserve because if you knew me at all you know, I deserve Hell like so many others, and I’ve found it, it’s The Way You Lie.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 220 ~Waiting For My Girl~

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Live today because there is no tomorrow, is that why people believe in love at first sight, I swear if I had a nickel for every potential future misses, and people wonder why I focus on hair color sometimes. Waiting For My Girl, waiting for my story.

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

Lesson 220 ~Waiting For My Girl~

Dear Future Wife,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore because I won’t make the mistake of the typical man, as they say, good things come to those who wait, and I’ve stood in some truly awful lines, as I’m sure you have. Waiting for each other though, no I would instead take Mario’s approach, even if it means that plumbing job (more like retail) didn’t work out, or maybe you did your best Daenerys Targaryen, you’re the mother of dragons princess.

Maybe you will be someday with me by your side waiting for our first, our second, our third, already got the names picked out if they’re girls, Katniss, Tris, Ember, our girls on fire. No wonder I’ll need a castle and to find out my princesses are in another one, wait until I tell them the story of how I met their mother, my queen. Only why did I wait so long to find you, must have been the mushrooms, or the books, the writing, the games, to be worthy of having someone like you.

“Where have you been?”
“Waiting.” ― Fifty Shades of Grey

That’s why I’m still here, waiting, though I want to tell you “girl, you’re amazing, just the way you are,” how I love my smartphone, I love this music, and I love you even more. I suppose it serves me right, but at least we’ll be waiting together from now on, and they won’t all be so amazing, which is why I wish I found you so much sooner. When I was waiting to see if I would keep my job, when I was waiting to see if my book would be accepted, or what would become of my dog, or years and I do mean years into the future when the kids want a dog of their very own.

So you ask me why did I wait so long when I believe in love at first sight, however, could I spoil that moment and how did I know that I would see you again. Maybe I needed one more daydream, a moment to don my armor, how about how best to break it to my dog, my heart that is, and then, hmm then…

Good Night, Good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow.” ― William Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet

I can’t wait to tell this story one day, and I promise not to be Ted Mosby when the time comes, but I can already hear, what are you waiting for as you stand there, yeah I was just, I guess Waiting For My Girl.

“What are you waiting for,
Love me like you do” Love Me Like You Do

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 219 ~Dom Like You Mean It~

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I can’t tell myself anything, but for her, I will do the impossible and for me well… how about everyone else, I don’t need a crown or a whole lot of money it helps though just saying. Dom Like You Mean It.

Monday, February 5, 2018

Lesson 219 ~Dom Like You Mean It~

Eighteenth Rule Madam Justice,

I Am Not Afraid Anymore, a dominant has no reason to fear, is it because he has whips, paddles, canes, of course not, is it because he has ropes, and chains, if they’re needed that’s not dominance, is it because he instills fear, the answer is no. A dominant must have control, no more, no less, control and power; control is his but power is given by those that serve, one who willingly submits honestly.

Domination might be a conversation better had with Dirty Diana, but I will try to keep it as clean as I can, god help us, you know that’s not my strong suit, a lack of control thereby I made it a rule. I read somewhere, and this is true that if you enter the lifestyle, BDSM and it’s only about the sex, then you’re in it for the wrong reason, sex is great but why I’m a dominant is for the control and the power. For me this expands far from sex, we don’t fear what we can control, and there are plenty of ways to gain that but imagine if you could just be you, as the bible says no weapon formed against me shall prosper; fear, violence, weakness.

“For Me… You Will” michellegregory.tumblr

People get it backward, a submissive has all the power a dominant has control and when a dominant can willingly get this person or anyone to want to hand over power that is the turn on. A submissive says I can’t, and a dominant speaks you will; there are millions of ways to do this, but when she wants to, I don’t need my hands or gifts, no I don’t need anything (other than their legal consent). To get someone to do what you want, hell even without asking, cue the Homer moan. As I said though I want this in more than the bedroom, I can only imagine the man I would be if my inner dominant came out.

“Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.” Oscar Wilde

The lesson today is if I can be the man who gets a woman to so selflessly want to be mine, who can get a woman to let me see her naked, and I’ve never sent one “pic.” The man that somehow talked a woman from my door to my couch, to my bed, then how dare I look down on myself at all truthfully. I can do what a little boy once thought impossible; I can lead, I can rule, if I want power, Dom Like You Mean It.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 214 ~Not One Of Us~

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At least Walkers or the standard zombies are asking for it, but as for me, I just want to get through my day the best way I know how but apparently that’s not normal and if I’m not one of them? “Not One Of Us,” I just can’t run away though.

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Lesson 214 ~Not One Of Us~

Born in grief
Raised in hate
Helpless to defy his fate
Let him run
Let him live
But do not forget what we cannot forgive

And he is not one of us ― (Not One Of Us) from The Lion King 2: Simba’s Pride (1998)

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, as a matter of fact, I’m not a lot of things. I’m not some victim of abuse, depending on how you define it, I am not a human being, again what classifies as human, and I am not going to live forever, have I at all? Speaking of my sins what am I, a coward, a hypocrite, unemployed, not yet anyway I haven’t sent in my account of things at work still.

If I haven’t said it before, how dare I, you know I’ve had my misgivings about the “#metoo” movement mainly because I’m ashamed of my actions towards women, and worse I compare my predicament with my boss to such maddening suffering. My entire life it’s, I’m not black enough, loud enough, and just not like them, so I continuously shift between being a monster and then not worth having a life at all honestly. Don’t worry Inspector Echo I’ll be alive for some time yet but as the song goes:

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ve ever had (Mad World)

So what is stopping me from telling someone other than you and maybe Indiana Gone; I can’t say that my goals were genuinely noble when I wanted to report my boss, and there is a fine line between justice and wrath but what happens if I don’t tell? I won’t lie, and if I don’t I’ll get fired but don’t I pretend all the time, at church if I weren’t a Christian my “father” would beat my ass and at work… no job, no life. I have to keep my job at all cost, but instead of spreading my legs or ass cheeks as the case may be, I’ll have to open my mind, to break my heart, to open my mouth to lie on myself, to open my eyes and watch that bastard laugh.

Again my oldest sin, this rage that I feel and at the same time, in an exact moment of “Doublethink” I will kowtow, I will worry, I will know fear because when has anything I’ve ever written helped me? The idea of being an ordinary human, at least in America, I’m a slave to my phone, I keep up the status quo, I lie like anyone else because while the truth will set you free… of the mortal coil, it means I’m not dead yet.

So can you forgive me, may I have absolution, monsters don’t deserve it, and the problem with people is they always are sorry, and I am tired of being sad just being me and as they all seem to think now Not One Of Us?

I Will Have No Fear