Tag: People

Lesson 036 ~Before Old McDonald’s Farm~

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I wish I could blame some meds, that’s right I’m not taking anything, might need to blame the tasty peanuts and speaking of which I might sound nuts today. Before Old McDonald’s Farm, I am so hungry and so sick

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Lesson 036 ~Before Old McDonald’s Farm~

Hey Lady Lu,
There should be No Fear, they call it domestication, being tamed, broken and while I don’t intend on giving you an object lesson in BDSM today… I was thinking more along the lines of animals. Now, of course, people can become this too, civilization is the word some use for it, adulthood, though I tend to think about it as being institutionalized.

“These walls are funny. First, you hate ’em, then you get used to ’em. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That’s institutionalized.” The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

How do you put it back together Lu, hell I have to do it often enough but as you can see I am never the same after each time, indeed far less. If anything it’s just what pieces I’m able to find and fortunately, not all shards are equal, some are more… fun, yeah let’s go with fun. The problem is they all end up in the same place and it doesn’t really matter if you’re still sitting on the farm, instead of running in the Serengeti, now does it.

It sucks trying to change you know, and even worse when you don’t know where you belong or even if there is such a place and so you simply become complacent because there is no choice. That’s what I was thinking about today, forget about the world, or even my mental state, my own body has betrayed me longer than I can remember. I expected neck pain, my back, hell my face or even my tongue but my body wants me to be the same, creature I have always been or even worse than that.

Is it my health or my freedom, today started off with such promise or so I believed and now I’m falling back into that state I was a few days ago. I’ll say it was a brilliant move on my body’s part, what better way to scare me into weakness and submission, or even depression.

Don’t get me wrong Luna I’m damn angry, at my job, at myself, and of course and my own body, it was simply horrible. While I’m talking about my body I have another rule to add, I’ve got to get so much louder when speaking.

“Most people, normal people, do just about anything to avoid a fight.” Fight Club (1999)

If it were any other place Luna and not my job, I would have complained, I would have called them out, hell I’ve called places out for less but I can’t afford another fight at work especially over the grossest bathroom. How about the fact that I was so proud of my record at work and now this is the first time I have ever left because I was sick and I mean ever, so now I feel bad mentally not to mention I lost money. Finally, I think this was because of my anxiety, seriously the moment I started walking to my car I started to feel better, my body doesn’t like it what when I try to eat before work when I try to stand up straight and talk to people, ridiculous right?

Like it’s ridiculous that people get to call me by the wrong name and I don’t say anything, I have a voice I swear Lu, I just don’t use it. So what if I do, do you know how many times I have been mistaken for a girl at some drive thru and again why start a fight about it. What about the every day, I hear myself, I know Braxton hears me, I wonder what I sound like to others if anything my voice just sounds broken and small.

What happened to my ROAR, you know I’m honestly trying to narrow it down to when everything fell apart, that first humiliation that first mistake or moment when fear entered. I’ve got another one for you, I think it was when I turned seven and I watched the cartoon “Beetlejuice” and this character would say “What in tarhooties?!” and copying him I mistakenly said, “what the Hell”, pretty bad then.

That’s the roar that gets the lion shot, that’s the “roar” that gets him mounted as a trophy, something you show off to the other parents and did I mention this happened at my party, you know “The Day”. I became something else maybe, a lion isn’t a lion in the zoo, no animal is exactly what they once were if they ever knew the wild before, they can’t be.

“You ever watch lions at the zoo? You can always tell which ones were captured in the wild by the look in their eyes. The wild cat. She remembers running across the plain, the thrill of the hunt. Four hundred pounds of killing fury, locked in a box. But after a while, their eyes start to glaze over, and you can tell their soul has died. The same thing happens to a man.” XXX (2002)

I tell Braxton all the time to be quiet but he’s a dog and dogs bark, it’s their nature and you can’t fight the biology even if you’re locked in this box with me. Lions and other animals are exactly the same, they are locked away and over time there is just no going back for them, they have the biology but the circumstances just won’t allow it. The same is true of men, Old McDonald had a farm, maybe Old McDonald bought the farm, hell I don’t know his life but this is not the life for me Luna.

A live chicken beats a dead duck… I felt like I was dying this morning and instead I chose to survive, I couldn’t take it but I don’t know what happened. No secret I never want to be at work but I’m telling you now I won’t go back to being just the rat in the cage. So what am I going to do next time, do you still think I should complain about my job, you remembered I survived one sick day but this one was just truly disgusting.

What have I learned today other than the world didn’t end today, that I truly give a crap about my job… and that tomorrow is never promised. Change isn’t easy and when you’re always on the cusp of death, trying to bring life is not a final fantasy which I knew Before Old McDonald’s Farm.

Lesson 033 ~Courage to Say No~

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From the man who was once the yes man and will probably be again in a different light but today is all about knowing no. “Courage to Say No”, I need the courage to say anything really but let’s start small

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Lesson 033 ~Courage to Say No~

Hey Lady Lu,
No fear, I’m going to constantly be reminding me myself and it’s a good beginning for our lesson because while the overall goal is to become fearless, no is the word I’m having trouble with today. Reminds me of something out of the Planet of the Apes series, and isn’t that all of us, just a bunch of apes with our hair standing on end at the sound of that word… no.

“Teacher only reverted to type under provocation. He… he spoke like a slavemaster in the old days of our servitude when we were conditioned to mechanical obedience. He, uh, he uttered a negative, uh, imperative.

Could you put that into words which even Caesar could understand?

Uh, he said, “No, Aldo, no!”” Battle for the Planet of the Apes (1973)

It starts when we’re young, people fight like Hell to get us into the world, pro-life, a yes and then the rest of our lives we’re told no and we only continue the cycle. Then with the same breath, we’re frightened of those words, only those in power say no and those without say yes and that dictates who we are. So how do I explain heroes then, to a villain it’s always yes to themselves and no to others but then the hero must always say yes, even at the cost of all that they could ever hope honestly.

“This city is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout “Save us!”… and I’ll whisper “no.”” Rorschach, Watchmen

When your equal asks you say yes; when someone better ask the answer is yes when you consider someone beneath you the answer is always no or you seek to benefit some way. The only thing worse than no is maybe and even lower is a maybe that turns into a yes out of fear of no. Simply put if you’re afraid of saying no, that shouldn’t qualify into a yes, no means no, yes means yes, and often times maybe means no…okay, not simple.

I’m afraid of no, always admit the problem, I’m afraid of no, and I hate yes most days, and the world makes it so, honestly I wish I could say it was all in my head. When you see it put into practice how can you not be afraid, I mean most fears are in our own minds, but with experience, you must fear it.

Take for example work today or lack thereof, when I first started working I never said no, the answer must always be yes because the moment I said no, what would that make me, a bad employee? I learned to start saying no though and then my fears became actualized, my weekly hours were cut, my tasks became worse, for a person that had always said yes in the past, the calls stopped altogether and even when I said yes on occasion at work it wasn’t until I became a yes man that things returned to normal, so I caved.

You want to know why I feel like such a monster when it comes to women because the monster wants the pretty girl and when I wanted someone, that pretty girl’s life became hell from all those around her. She said no because of what a yes would do to her, what about the things I’m into, we have proof that some women would be into my type of kink as long as it isn’t me, my words have won women as long as they know it wasn’t me. I have read Roosh V and he talks about imagining the worst case and you know things can’t be that, take a walk with me sometime.

We say no to those we love the most, I mean an enemy is more inclined to get a yes and why, again we seek to benefit, but I tell my dog no, I tell my “real” friends no, but with my family it’s always yes and that’s because I fear them. No is not just some concept it’s an action with true consequences, take a victim of sexual assault, how many say no it didn’t because of what lies on the other side of fear which is yes only to experience a lifetime of no. A maybe or a yes born out of fear of no and yet I seek the courage to say no, even with you Lu.

I can’t say no to you and do you know why, it’s because I’m waiting for a yes, I fear the moment I give you a no is the moment I miss yes, that makes me a bad man doesn’t it, like pawing away at “Okay” again. Which do I fear more though, no or yes, from now on its one way or the other and you can’t always sit on maybe, I must choose.

How about what I have been thinking about all this morning, well at least two hours maybe, that job of mine called and asked me to come in today and I said NO. Would a yes have been preferable, I have to start thinking about doing things that scare me, I must break my fear.

“Becoming fearless isn’t the point. That’s impossible. It’s learning how to control your fear, and how to be free from it.”
― Veronica Roth, Divergent

Telling them no even with experience, even with a full understanding of the consequences, even with how the moment it was done made me want to pick up the phone and say yes took courage. It’s not like I died for anyone… everyday life, you work somewhere you hate and you sell an hour of your life for a certain amount of money, don’t mistake stupidity for courage. No means I’m being selfish doesn’t it or setting myself up to fail at some point but at the end, I don’t want to succeed there even, I endure to get to where I want to be.

What if I said yes, I would have been caving to one fear but I would get to face several others and I want to be stronger, and people, of course, are one of my worst fears, the dragon known as anxiety. How about missing my yes there, find your yes, how long have I been working there, company taglines and all, but what I want is on the other side of fear which means I make money to buy things I want and need, facing people would mean more money and thus I would be rewarded. So scared to say no but didn’t someone say that in order to face your fear the answer must always be yes, I guess it’s a situational thing.

Anyway today I made the choice and that choice was to say no, so no worries… okay dammit, I’m still thinking about “Ms. Seasons” flying away… how about the courage to let go of my hate, to no longer fear it. What have I learned today, yet another thing is not the end of the world and that thing is no, Courage to Say No.

I Will Have No Fear

 

Lesson 030 ~And Caesar Was Ambitious~

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So Caesar heard nothing of the conspiracy, maybe because he was so busy talking he didn’t hear his own mind, his heart, or guts. And Caesar Was Ambitious but not ambitious enough to live a long life in his case

Monday, July 31, 2017

Lesson 030 ~And Caesar Was Ambitious~

Hey Lady Lu,
Yes, I would like to think that I am as well, you know I talk a lot about being “a simple kind of man”, “just be a man”, the everyday struggles of my life but yeah I have dreams. Not so many since these overnights but you know what I mean, Second Circle Creations, the title change, not dying alone, that sort of thing to be sure.

Anyway other than you I don’t tell many people these things, I will never discount the power of words but “don’t talk about it, be about it” but that’s from the song “Pass The Courvoisier” which leads me to a few lessons. First that maybe it’s better to be a loud mouth for a few reasons, though I wonder was Julius Caesar as such, too wrapped up in my own history nowadays. Secondly what about the stuff, that makes us so, I talk about biology but we both know there are things that while they can’t beat biology can be let’s say a deterrent of regular behavior for a bit.

Okay, let me start making sense or not because I’m about to get into my conspiracy theory and yes I sense a conspiracy to a certain degree. So we talked the other day about people filling the silence some but now they’re trying to fill my silence. In a way, I can understand girls who tell a guy as soon as he starts talking that they have a boyfriend, but they’re usually doing that because… okay before I get into that death trap, I said I love my dog, right below my dog is my love of so much silence.

If a person wishes to make me forgo my love of silence they better damn well be something special and while they are ambitious, they aren’t much else. Now why have these people become so ambitious all of a sudden, why are these people trying to “save” me from the dark paradise I have created.

Is it because I was ambitious, I’ve gone up for a few promotions and have lost them all because I am not ambitious enough and that means being a loud mouth? Now that’s rude of me but my dog is getting to be a loud mouth and what has that bought him but the sweet sound of silence in my library, one man’s heaven, can be one dog’s hell huh?

I think all these people talking to me are the symptom of a big problem, they want me to talk more and while I see the logic in such things, I just don’t want to. I want to tell people what to do but I don’t want to ring people up, doesn’t that say speak volumes to my anxiety. Of course, I want the promotion so I can make more money and eventually walk about the place when I move onto bigger and better ambitions but I can’t do the simple tasks associated with the job I’m trying to keep.

Because it hurts Lu, I mean it truly hurts, all the talking just drives me up the wall and you don’t even hear the real damage that is being done. The way my heart thunders in my chest, how I can barely catch my breath, and listening to people who look at me in some sort of way is like a bunch of knives plunging into my back. How it ended for Caesar I guess scratches him off the would be role models list doesn’t it but they say that he was ambitious.

Braxton is ambitious, and like I said his ambitious has brought him nothing but punishment, biting the hand that feeds you, haven’t I said before if I was a loud mouth, it would be nothing but a tapestry of obscenity. In a way that explains my musical selections these days, if only people could be like my musical choices, you listen to one song, you listen to another, and sometimes you just have to cut it off.

I’ve done that to myself in a way, I haven’t been taking any medication for a while and I’m thinking why did I start up again. I told “Indiana Gone” that if I did get the promotion I was going to have to be peppy, and the pills did that for a time, maybe I got a bad batch or something, so I finished them.

Speaking of medications, I’ve been thinking how best to combat Braxton’s problems as of late, what is making him the way he is, I’ve gone through the gambit of some unknown pain, a need for something, even neutering, though he’s an old dog. Is this what speaking up gets you, I’ve seen it a million times, all the loud mouths just going at it, speaking over each other, fighting for air, not to breathe but to talk. Maybe I’m just too exhausted for that type of nonsense but it doesn’t stop me from going back, over and over, because I am ambitious, I want more.

So what do all these people want from me, dare I think they actually give a damn, I’d laugh but I do enough of that trying to placate them. Everyone has an ulterior motive and that includes me, I was ambitious enough with “Ms. Seasons” so then the question becomes what do they want because I know exactly what I was looking for. Maybe I’m just a rock in the road that has to be dug up, a problem that has to be fixed to stop screwing up the universe.

Now don’t I sound ambitious, making this all about me but that’s yet another reason I talk to you because at the end of the day I don’t want Brutus or even Mark Antony, speaking for me, let them have you or simply silence. For now, what have I learned other than to want anything breeds disaster, don’t I sound like a Buddhist but I want plenty like any other person And Caesar Was Ambitious.

Lesson 026 ~You Remind Me Of~

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You remind me of my jeep, well not really, and I’m not really comparing anyone to a summer’s day, though that’s something I can’t forget these days. You Remind Me Of… I’m not sure yet considering this is mostly jibber-jabber.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Lesson 026 ~You Remind Me Of~

Hey Lady Lu,
No R. Kelly is not a good role model either, though I am reminded of the Harmonic War of yesteryear, a bad time, only today’s lesson is being reminded. So many things in the world today are reminding us of what we need to be, should be, what we should aspire to be but I’m looking behind.

“I am wandering inside, wandering through my past, trying to see if there is a place there strong enough to hold me. — After The War

I told you before I’m looking for some male role model and yeah shouldn’t I try being myself… whenever you meet that man be sure to let me know Lu. Ned Flanders is one side of the spectrum and maybe Le Marquis de Sade is the other side, and I’m still keeping the moniker “Marquis de Joker” though I’m sure that’s been ruined. If you asked who I wanted to be today, Donovan ‘Van’ Ray a.k.a. Van Strummer, from Fastlane.

Even in today’s world that would be wrong, I was talking to “Okay” and sort of reminiscing on how the world used to be, the things expected of us. Isn’t that part of the problem right there, the world has so many ideas that here I am looking for myself and if I listened to everyone else I would be torn apart. The rack my lady, we are supposed to stretch to encompass every idea and at the same time, we have to keep those ideas to ourselves other than risk tearing everybody else apart.

Talking to you Luna reminds me when the world was once simpler… okay so it never was but we both can agree that it’s only grown more complicated right? All the world wants me to know now is I’m not good enough to live in it… suicidal, probably but not like I’m anxious to do anything about it for now.

“The Multiverse, every universe in it, is irrational, sloppy. I try to make it rational. I try to make it neat. You call it murder. How can I murder myself 123 times? I just took those wasted energies and transferred them to one container: me. What if that is our fate? To unite with ourselves, to be unified forever. To be one. I will be The One.” The One (2001)

Luna why can’t you remind me of a time I was once at peace with myself, whole and one, yeah I keep finding the pieces of me, trying to kill off the others but such a period never existed. I’m constantly reminded of my failures, selective memory again maybe because when’s the last time I was reminded of something good?

He reminds me of how helpless I am, you know who I’m talking about, “The Abomination” it’s been a long time since I’ve called him that, my father of course. Another reminds me of the monster I still have inside of me, the monster I could become, my poor Braxton still sitting in his room because I’m so upset. Still, so many others remind me of the man… well, I don’t know, personally, I don’t want to be any sort of man like them but they are better aren’t they?

She reminds me of a girl I once knew, of a girl I wanted to know, probably of a girl that never existed except in my mind and as the song goes, where is my mind? What about my mom, haven’t talked to her since… I can’t pick out a good feeling, going for food makes me feel pathetic, showing off the car was more fear of my father. What about Ms. Seasons that reminded me I’m all sorts of skeevy, did I even mention the incident yesterday, the things I can’t forget, the things I actually want to be reminded of, scary isn’t it.

Only that’s just biology, not a doubt in my mind what I want, how easily I’m reminded of a beautiful woman and the things I would do, “Shusaku”, “Isaku”, Kojin Taxi, I swear I’m looking for something appropriate. Something to remind me not of let’s say better, but that I’m not as bad as I sometimes want to believe Luna.

It sucks when you don’t want to be reminded of the things that make you feel the most like you but again who am I? I see gray hairs, I hear the cracking of my bones and I’m reminded that I’m not so young anymore, and what about the things I want to be reminded of, just to keep existing.

They remind me that I’m not wanted there, family and coworkers, there is no place for me amongst them anymore or even before. I’m reminded that I can be scary and that I can be full of fear myself, trying to save the neighbor’s dog again, the dog was scared and so was I. The stares, the body language of everyone when I arrive somewhere that I’m just not like them and that I will never be, no matter what.

Just yesterday I was reminded of my old car, listening to “Indiana” complain about hers, is it bad to be reminded that other people have problems and you can just go along. I know I can still play the hero as I said, the neighbor’s dog, I did the right thing regardless of my plans and I even showed innovation. How about that the idea that I can surprise myself cooking for a woman, it was only rice but yes I’m reminded while things get worse, there are things to look forward to if they are enough.

Lady Luna remind me next time to be more cheerful or make more sense because I know these last chats of ours have been nothing more than jibber-jabber. What have I learned today other than the fact life itself reminds me of nothing at all, maybe because there is nothing like it but Luna You Remind Me Of…

Lesson 025 ~So Time Me Up~

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How much time do you have, you don’t see it, you see the watch face, you hear it in another person’s voice, you feel it dripping from your brow and you know that it’s always running out. “So Time Me Up”, no wonder we can never let go.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Lesson 025 ~So Time Me Up~

Hey Lady Lu,
I so wanted to name this something different but it’s these times we live in, or how about the fact that no one has any time for the likes of us? However, and I know I often repeat myself, that’s what lessons are for right, anyway I hate being late and today I am running behind schedule.

Now aren’t I always running behind, that’s why I try to be early for everything or is that just my anxiety talking? In most horror movies isn’t the best place to be, somewhere in the middle but speaking of other racially insensitive things we’re not allowed to say anymore… I guess in some messed up thought I am thinking about the future past those traditional five minutes dreaming that the world is going to end and that I feel fine.

I feel fine, isn’t that another coping mechanism, remember the good times because you know the bad times are coming, and even worse times. I’d said something about selective memory but nowadays I just go ahead and imagine the worst case scenario and regardless of the truth I’ll probably see it that way a thousand times even after the fact. Waiting is always the hardest part, isn’t that what they say, except when you’re procrastinating and that’s what today has been all about, being honest.

In this world where so much doesn’t truly exist, the value of money, those in power, “gluten” why do we choose to be slaves to the concept of time. As a black man living in America, I can’t say I have much to waste, not trying to get all political or again being somewhat insensitive.

You can thank “Saints Row 4” but out of any super power we could hope to possess, time travel is not one meant for us, it just never turns out well. Then again if we knew of beasts such as “The Langoliers” it would be a reminder to always look ahead and time travel itself would be a thing of the past, to be sure.

I think of all the things I would like to make right or do differently so of course, the first thing would be where would I stop my corrections? Give America a time machine and you would stop the building of the nation if you truly were on the side of right or at least that’s what I think. Maybe I’m just in a movie mindset because what about “The Butterfly Effect” think how much damage you could do to others and think about what you stand to lose completely.

There’s not such a thing yet but imagine if we found there was nothing to go back to, we’re in a constant race to outrun them, langoliers, that would explain why we’re always told to never look back, why in this life we are constantly on the move. Scary to think I might be as bad as “Craig Toomy” running from his past and knowing what the future held, maybe I should call my anxiety a langolier. Talk about the ultimate restart when the survivors were the first people in a world that were yet to be born, maybe then I wouldn’t feel like I am always so behind everyone.

To be first in some things, the middle in others, and most days I hope the future will be that apocalyptic dystopia I’m always dreaming about as if I were a prophet. No Luna, if I were a prophet then what happened today, wouldn’t have happened, did I mention how late it was getting today?

Aren’t we constantly trying to better ourselves or at least I want to be but what was I today, a monster I thought I was trying to lose? To others, I’m tied to the role that either I portray or that they believe me to be and I don’t see how I will change it.

You know I’ve been dealing with Braxton and the tick and today, he and I both lost our minds, please don’t let me become my father and he was just that scared puppy I use to know. Now he’s locked in his room after I literally tore the bed down getting to him because I was just so angry at him and everything else. Isn’t that one more thing about waiting especially with anger, yet another reason I just keep moving or I try to sleep all the time, not that any of that helped.

It scares me to think of how he looks at me now, will I be stuck in that moment, him barking up a storm in the bath with me yelling no, what about when he saw his safe haven falling apart, under the bed. What about the way the people at work see me, I will always be stuck in such a version of reality no matter what I do, time stands still? How about how “Indiana” sees me, I’ll tell you this, that woman has a strange opinion about me indeed, not that I’m interested in changing it though.

Anyway, Indiana probably is expecting me to take her to the movies tonight and you know how I am with the movies so I better hurry up. I’ll do better next time, a next time, yeah this conversation isn’t over but for now, I’m gone Luna, So Time Me Up.

Lesson 023 ~To Do with Hate~

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It wasn’t an asteroid but to all those ants today it might as well be considered an apocalypse and no I don’t feel the least bit sorry, would it help if I hated the way I do some people. To Do with Hate, better out than in right so I’m still writing?

Monday, July 24, 2017

Lesson 023 ~To Do with Hate~

Hey Lady Lu,
I didn’t hate them you know, I haven’t been “attacked” by fire ants in years but I don’t hate them, not in the way I choose to hate. If there is something I particularly loathe and remind me to write a book about the subject, anyway one thing I loathe is a thoughtless, undisciplined, uncivilized, unreasonable killer.

“Are we living in a land
Where sex and horror are the new Gods?” Two Tribes, Frankie Goes To Hollywood

Yeah, you got to give me something Luna and since Lust seems to be off limits… anyway I took out four anthills today, in minutes, I caused an apocalypse and I was wondering why. As I said I didn’t hate them but it was done, wrong place wrong time maybe, and the only shame I feel is how those little ant hills made me look to people I couldn’t care less about, people I never speak to. A kid burns ants with a magnifying glass and people think somethings wrong, a “man” sprinkles poison and its consider being an adult.

I have faded memories of someone who kept these jars full of ants, I remember I might have wanted an ant farm at some point, I even use to catch Sowbugs or Rolly Pollies we called them. I never kept the sowbugs though, I actually had the idea of putting them in ant hills like some sort of commando movie, I was into Delta Force I suppose and the poor things would be killed. Whatever in the world am I getting at… I’d say genocide but we’re not talking about people, not yet at least.

Probably more to the point is the lesson, what we do with hate, opposed to what we do with love and if you’re asking me with how I feel at this particular moment, hate is easier. Then again my lady the reason I started talking to you more was out of forgiveness that I would never receive and a hatred for myself that I just could not bear that night.

Maybe I’m already talking my way into being more loving, I know I need to considering Braxton and I have been at odds as of late, he’s driving me crazy or I’m driving myself crazy. I’m sure we have talked about fear before; hell I’m terrified of Ms. Seasons, but let me tell you about women, seeing as you’re like my favorite one, maybe, possibly.

With women, I think love and hate are damn near identical and they shouldn’t be, love is exhausting and hate, no it should only be a matter of indifference, as far as Ms. Seasons goes that’s what I want, indifference but I haven’t read her latest so… I told you before I was one for chivalry, courtly love, being a gentleman, exhausting myself to what end; I’m still editing a book trying to make money so that it won’t matter what I look like. Flowery words, candy, presents, I feel sort of like Anakin Skywalker saying I see through the lies of the Jedi, I doubt I would be all Romeo ever again, hope not.

Now I don’t hate women, most women mind you but being a Dom is about control, it’s about bringing out parts of yourself that are not acceptable to the every day and what lies within me is a monster. I hate that monster and I know everybody keeps saying you have to be alright with yourself before you can be with anyone but tell me what is the alternative, for all the hate I feel love as well and if another person cannot or will not feel the same… I don’t want to hate, I really don’t want to hate but people make it so damn easy and then they run away or they knock me down; if anything I think we might be seeing a nice path to bondage.

What we can control, what we can keep might end up destroying us but we want to keep these things safe, is not God the same way? When it threatens us when we can’t control it when it is something we can’t understand or we just don’t want to what is our next action surely?

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” – Master Yoda, Star Wars Series

We destroy and if we get into who’s to blame for this trend, again that’s another book idea but I don’t have the wisdom to write it of course. Am I still writing you because I still hate Ms. Seasons so much, because I hate myself, truthfully this isn’t loving?

Will there ever be enough love Lady Lu, think of how easy it is to kill and the work it would take to stop it and it never completely stops does it and to think I was only killing ants? As I said people make it easy and think that the greatest minds in the world created such devices to do so with the push of a button or the pull of a trigger, easy.

Maybe the question is, why is it so hard to love, I’ve fallen in love easily and let’s just say the aftermath… when you’re picking up the pieces of yourself you have plenty of time to think. I didn’t love this girl or that girl but my biology and reasoning, want to make this so; maybe the whole damn world wants this but our only weapons aren’t those sitting in some silo, tube, or vial anymore. Yes, silo and tube just made me chuckle but these words Luna the methods we use to hurt one another and how easily we all become monsters and killers.

If you have to kill, if you want to, all I ask is an honest to God reason for it to be done, it’s why I loathe bullies, why I’m angry at Ms. Seasons, why I hate my father, if you wish to destroy do it with reason and intent, the dead should stay down. This course of action should be reserved and well thought out, and if I was a king I would say yes do it in front of the court but no jester wants his life to be the joke. A true killer should be haunted, it shouldn’t stop them but they should know those faces, and strangely enough, people are remembered more in death than ever in life, the honest truth.

“A penny for my thoughts, oh, no, I’ll sell ’em for a dollar
They’re worth so much more after I’m a goner
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when you’re dead how people start listenin’” If I Die Young (2010)

I didn’t hate them Lady Lu, but I hate some and at the top of that list, for now, will be me and if only I was as efficient as I am with ants and fleas, how I wish I was with Ticks. Is being a pest enough to hate, only if you’re douche who doesn’t like animals or if you’re human for there is much To Do with Hate.

“Here’s much to do with hate but more with love” – “Romeo & Juliet”, William Shakespeare

Some People, NOT Me

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Do I still question how they see me; to be honest they barely do anymore except the occasional text to see that I’m still above ground, still they’re dirty little secret, even from myself nowadays. “Some People, NOT Me”, I’m my own worse critic.

Some people… more than one
Laugh and fear and hate… me
For fun?
My crime is making a “we”
When I’m they’re son
Not the whole world, see

Just some people… not just a few
Over twenty-seven years
Make it their mission for me to lose
The cause of all my tears
Should have been born blue
Maybe I wouldn’t get the sneers

Of some people… more than a dozen
Flesh and blood, a “family”
Mommy, Daddy, Sister, Cousin
Don’t make me happy
Brothers, sisters, all the others
Skin like theirs… no one like me

Because of some people… not most
Look at me, like a diseased rat
Make me doubt, so I don’t know
And tear me down with their attacks
Hate my birth and make me want to go
Not Muslims, Republicans, I’m talking at

But some people… and not the whole damn world
Those from royalty, to slavery, to today, and me
Ashamed and filled with hate for sure
And why shouldn’t I be
Say I’m worthless and I’m no good
The man in the mirror, that I see

Some people won’t understand
They and I are enemies
Dare I say, “I AM A MAN”?
Who is it that cannot see?
My character they cannot stand
And who am I supposed to be
“You people” won’t understand
Some People, NOT Me

Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

 

Lesson 021 ~Funhouse~

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Nothing you want to see here unless you like laughing which is the usual response or something plenty worse. Funhouse, I didn’t look to go out so I’m definitely not going in but then again my head is a fun house or madhouse, I can’t decide.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Lesson 021 ~Funhouse~

Hey Lady Lu,
There shouldn’t be any filters, uncensored, raw, but you know the last time I was like that, other than writing, it was a trip to Walmart. Now nine times out of ten I have no faith in mirrors the lesson today is how they’re unnecessary but this trip to the store was eye quite opening.

“That’s you, you’re ugly” I probably sound like some teenage girl but that’s what I said to myself and guess what, I left the dressing room and bought the pants. Haven’t gone clothes shopping since but the fact that that I faced that one moment, could I “Call It Courage”; a good book by the way at least when I was a kid. When I was a kid… there are times I don’t even remember when there was such a time and it explains why my parents never acknowledge my existence to others at all.

You know Quasimodo, the phantom of the opera, the Marquis de Sade, talk about mentors and maybe this explains why I like Halloween, my Topsy-Turvy day. I have worn a mask for so long I forget who I really was beneath it and all that’s left, well just another reason not to look right? The Marquis de Sade was thrown into prison for all sorts of things, yeah I continued that proud tradition in juvenile detention and with my novel, I just refuse to work on, though I have time.

I’ve never been in a funhouse and I don’t ever need to because life is full of mirrors and not one of them reveals anything flattering about me. Not one of them reveals the real me, isn’t that why I have you here, isn’t that what we’re working on daily.

No this isn’t about loving myself but rather being myself but the thing about it is, I wanted to be someone worthy of Ms. Seasons, badass enough to be “Oh K”, the devil to the angel. If anything I need to be okay with myself but again I have no idea who that is, the person I’m reflected as I hate, and most days I feel like I’m going crazy.

“She was nice to me. Gave me something I didn’t even know existed I wasn’t never even able to… buy a woman. Yeah, the way I look” Sin City (2005)

Twenty-one days and I still think about what I said to Ms. Seasons, how she looked at me before and how she must see me now in black and white, not that living color was any better. Only a skeevy type of man though would try what I did and she wasn’t okay with it at all but could I really be that sort of man in the end? As for the good girl I’m taking my time but wondering should I be honest, should I dare, or keep her friendship as just a guy?

I’m still trying to grow up if my bank account has anything to say about it and does money make a man, I know enough about that sort of power. At least I didn’t have to see my “work persona” today, walking Braxton is enough and that brings on a whole new set of worries I’ve brought up before. Along with those is the fact that either I want to be known for my money then it doesn’t matter or I truly am terrified of the man I could be given half the chance because I know this for certain, he isn’t good.

“Have a nice day, girls, and remember, money can make anybody beautiful.” – Too Cute, Daria

When you have died as many times as I have of course you live with the damage, I broke my front tooth sometime back at elementary school, I don’t eat enough or work out to fill out and I don’t drink enough to not care about it. Did I mention I’m shallow as Hell, I seek out goodness to balance out my wickedness and with the way I look, how do I desire a goddess?

“There’s a man Ian never got to know, the man he was growing up to be. He’s a good-looking clear-eyed fella… about 25. I can see him. He’s the type of guy men want to be around, because he has integrity, you know? He has character. You can’t fake that. And he’s a guy women want to be around, too. Because there’s tenderness in him… respect… and loyalty, and courage. And women respond to that. Makes him a terrific husband, this guy. I see him as a father. That’s where he really shines. See, when he looks in his kid’s eyes and that kid knows that his dad really, really sees him… he sees who he is. Then that child knows that he is an amazing person. He’s quite a guy… that I’ll never get to meet. I wish I had.” – Chris Nielsen in What Dreams May Come (1998)

Today though what really got to me was just looking at my dog, he’s been with me since I was 21 or 22, making him around 12 but in his years an angry old man and I blame myself honestly.

Why I’m always freaked out about kids because I have raised Braxton and what is he like, as I said angry, frightens easily, he knows how to put on a show, he’ll growl at the one person that loves him the most, he sleeps a lot, he’s me in a nutshell. I love him more than he’ll ever know and I know there would be a better life for him if he wasn’t as screwed up as he is. How does he think I look at him; I feel like such a negligent parent and yet I trust him more and love him more than anything and just hate that I know I’m not good enough, yeah it’s my fault.

“It’s no surprise to me
I am my own worst enemy
‘Cause every now and then I kick the living shit out of me” Lit

When I write, even right now talking to you I know I can do better but it will never be enough for me to be satisfied. “Writing is easy. You just open a vein and bleed.” or so they say and as Hemingway put it “All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence you know.” thus my problem surely.

“Hell’s waking up every goddamn day and not even knowing why you’re here.” Sin City (2005)

Am I going to talk about love Luna or maybe the meaning of life; one day I want to look at a woman and see the man I hope to be but in my woman’s eyes I want to see that I’m enough, better, best, that she would choose no other, no she doesn’t love my potential, she loves me. I wrote about Bubble from Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets today and how she could be whatever Valerian wanted, like Mystique, maybe this part of the reason I’m a dominant, for another time Luna I’m still Ned Flanders. Yep, Ned Flanders, I’ve been thinking about why I chose him, seeing as how he married Edna Krabappel I might need another role model.

Anyway, what I have learned today is, start with the man in the mirror which means I might have to kill him again, at least face him down, accept him, though Walmart is already a carnival, I have to go back to see the Funhouse.

Lesson 020 ~Doomsday Preppers~

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Well, I made it through today and will probably survive tomorrow but the question is, do I really want to and who knows when Judgement Day will be… I do mean machines or zombies. Doomsday Preppers, somehow I’m always prepared

Friday, July 21, 2017

Lesson 020 ~Doomsday Preppers~

Hey Lu,
I told you about my five-minute theory on the end of the world right, in five minutes, the world will end and I won’t have to go to work, in five minutes this or that will happen and everything else becomes inconsequential. Braxton and I may not look like it but we’re preppers, as the expression, hope for the best, prepare for the worst but no it won’t take zombies, a purge, or the biblical flood of Noah; that’s the lesson, should remember that now.

“Judgment Day is inevitable.” Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

It’s been said that you can’t fight your biology and if you’re asking my personal opinion on the matter I think the end is more likely to come at human hands than outside influences. Strange that everything seems to push us together when the end is near, I remember being in school though during tornados and saying out loud “I’m not dying with you a**holes”. Life is too short, another saying and I spend far too much of it with people I hate, another bit of the lesson, ticks me off.

You see storms have never bothered me, I stopped looking at the stars, and zombies are an excuse to cull the herd and in all likelihood, it’s the people in the end that you can prepare for. My sister survived a tornado once, and the prospect of an asteroid doesn’t bother me, or alien invasion, it’s the people. Tell me how do you prepare for the people in the beginning, everyday Luna, how do you deal with those you’re going to see today and tomorrow and the day after that, I have no idea.

It’s not doomsday to me, it’s every day, that’s the day I can’t escape from, the day where I am judged and that’s why God doesn’t frighten me, I have more than enough judges these days. So I survive those five minutes and then what Lady Lu, I rebuild, I come back, there is nowhere to go, nothing I can do to stop the inevitable.

The world falls apart and you get by, you find a way to keep going, maybe I’m being somewhat dramatic with these days’ events. Throw in the people and you have whatever crisis you can possibly imagine and then some but okay let’s bring on some light dramatics, my friend.

A broken toaster… hell got it years ago from Publix maybe, it lasted up to this point so why should that upset me, a bit of toast before my meds or lack thereof. Possible broken car air conditioner, just something I might have to take to the shop and get fixed or I could try to be a handyman… Braxton of course always makes me feel like a negligent parent, how I stay alive is beyond me, but keeping him alive is a damn miracle, almost makes a man believe in God… I mean almost.

“This is what I hate. Strangers. Do you say ‘hi’ or do you blow their head off? Do they want to share what they got or take what you have? And if they want to take, how far are you willing to go to stop them?” – The Postman (1997)

If anything ticked me off today it was this stupid lady in Walmart pushing my groceries out of her way, did I mention how often I feel like I’m in everybody’s way. What about my dumbass general manager catching me in one of my frozen moments of my past, the jerk who wouldn’t move his arm, or those idiots who keep trying to test me? I get it, Luna, I’m not making my point that well, but with anxiety, you just want to die, and doesn’t that mean the world effectively ends, how am I to blame?

“It’s Hebrew, it’s from the Talmud. It says, “Whoever saves one life, saves the world entire.” Schindler’s List

Everyday Luna, before I go to work, I tell Braxton I love him, I tell him I’ll be back, I check the locks, I front door at least a half dozen times and I stare it at before I drive away, doesn’t seem the actions of someone looking forward to the end of the world does it. It’s less I don’t want to die and more I want Braxton to live, to be safe, so I have something to come back to after I’m wrecked.

So how do I prepare for when I have to face the world, how do you prepare for your own doom when you actually have a choice in the matter? Here’s a better question how do you look at the world as it’s happening, I told you before destruction can be a beautiful pastime really.

Avoid mirrors, you’ll get more than enough of that when people see you, the only time I look in the mirror is probably right after a shower, the steam, the haze, might make it bearable. Hoodies work wonders, I actually looked up weighted blankets and I don’t know if that has anything to do with anything but even in the summer, I like to be covered, if I’m not in a hoody, then I’m usually under the covers or I really trust someone, or I did, another story for another time. Remember that you have survived worse and you will survive worse, that’s just how it goes, the key to surviving Hell is to get through and not stop and stare or wonder why you’re there, leave that to others.

“Hell is other people seeing you for who you truly are.” – The Box (2009)

More like whatever they have decided you are, and there is no changing that unless with destruction, you know how we started talking again, people saw me one way and I figured it was best not to be seen at all, so I destroyed my work there. Miss Seasons posted something else yesterday, I’m not worried but I’m also ignoring it all together, and of course, there is another “friend” I haven’t spoken to in weeks, I’m just watching the friendships, die away. Of course, I’ve watched my happiness die away so many times, I’m starting to think of it more as a virus but what is the cure, that’s what I started thinking about today that song “Love and Happiness” would lust be the opposite and I’m not exactly full of sadness.

So what I learned besides that I might be more of a survivor than a prepper, yeah I get by and I’m always ready for things to fall apart, for myself maybe. Right now I’m just glad this day, for the most part, is over and yes I’m well aware when it comes to anxiety I am only one of many in this life of Doomsday Preppers.

 

Dreaming Awake

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I usually don’t have nightmares when I’m sleeping but since I have been working it seems the days and the nights are beginning to blur and being awake is a nightmare. Dreaming Awake… I think I rather not dream at all anymore and yet I continue

Dreaming awake, sweet dreams really…
Can you hear, oh the time
It’s just like kneeling
How God denies
The very existence of my life
Doesn’t he make mistakes?
I know your lie
Dreaming awake

All that I’ve been feeling
You’re just as blind
Watching is like killing
Behind those closed blinds
Think you’re so divine
Like him a fake
As I try to drive
Dreaming awake

Screaming yet somehow I’m dealing
But me you’ll never find
Closed doors and jeering
Yeah I want to hide
Or just to cry
Everything I have take
Let me sign
Dreaming awake

Yet I fight
Won’t begin to pray
Just let me die
Dreaming Awake

Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.