Tag: War

Lesson 211 ~Here’s To The F-Words~

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Well, which one shouldn’t I say Fear is always a no-no but what about fair, no not me, or friends, be my guest; forget failure or epic fails. Still, I might be fired soon, *gulp*. Here’s To The F-Words and the one that seems to be avoiding me always.

Sunday, January 28, 2018

Lesson 211 ~Here’s To The F-Words~

To Will:
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, but a lie has always tasted better than the truth, but I wouldn’t feed it to you, not purposely or deliberately but then you would go hungry wouldn’t you? Hunger, back to the wall, surrounded, it’s enough to make one scream the F-Word, yes I’m back to censoring myself but what exactly am I leaving you with after the week that I’ve had, you know it’s not fair.

Fair, life is not fair, isn’t that what they say and that’s the truth, but we’ll get to that, but even Billie Jean roared “Fair Is Fair” and what happened to her? Fired though that was only in effigy, whatever would become of you if you got canned this week and for what, because you refuse to make friends or have fun. Friends and fun are words that you would never use to describe work, and there is one excellent F-Word for the guy that runs the place but wouldn’t that just make you a failure, like me, with everything that happened and didn’t last week, those goals of ours.

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants, (Day 25 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
Completed Day 32
2. I Will Go Outside, Not Work Or Just Walmart, But Starbucks, Bookstore, Library
Failed
3. I Will Not Censor Myself
Failed
4. I Will Smart Off To Somebody At Work
Completed (HR)
5. I Will Focus More On The Dog And Pretty Girls
Failed (Depression)
6. I Will Work On My NaNoWriMo Novel
Failed

Fail, no an Epic Fail as the kids say these days and what can I say about number four, after everything that happens during the workday to me and the moment I choose to stand I leave you on the brink of war, I’m sorry. Fear is not something I want for you but it is here, and it will be waiting later on this week so is that another goal, indeed that is the all-consuming goal for your life or the life you want to have. Forget everything that has happened to me this week, but that will be next to impossible I know but do, that’s what we strive to do now name those six impossible things Will:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants, (Day 32 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
2. I Will Keep Working The Day Job Despite Everything
3. I Will Not Spend A Full Day In Bed (Not More Than 8 Hours In 24)
4. I Will Forget About Last Week
5. I Will Focus More On The Dog And Pretty Girls
6. I Will Work On My NaNoWriMo Novel

What more can I ask of you, that you will have a future because I already said I want you to forget about me and does that make me a hypocrite wanting you to erase the past but without it, without me, you don’t have a future? Future you’ll have one, but this shouldn’t just be about what I want you to do for me but something for you, I can’t say what makes you happy because you’re still trying to discover such a thing.

So go and look and if not for then for the dog, he needs more treats anyway and who knows you might make it through this week without a certain F-Word but, to be honest Will, Here’s To The F-Words.

“Promise me you’ll find it.”

“Find what?”

“The life of a Victor.” Mockingjay Part 2

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 207 ~How To Cure Cancer~

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It’s not a secret, but apparently, it is a sin, I’m sure many people out there like or even love their jobs, and as for the rest of us, that’s what a man does, sometimes it means working, sometimes it means lies. How To Cure Cancer, do we, DO WE

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Lesson 207 ~How To Cure Cancer~

“He’s poison for the morale of the unit, and a disaster to the success of this mission.”
― Hot Shots

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore because I saw this coming and I find it funny that I’ve said that if I were to die and come back, I’d like to be a plague so maybe this isn’t my first time at the rodeo. Not my first time being yelled at, being worried about my job amongst other things, my first time staring into the abyss but “you’re cancerous to this team, points for creativity; where to start?

“May my mercy prevail over my wrath” The Walking Dead

I have allowed hatred and wrath to infect me once again; people talk about forgiveness being a cure but time works too and how much of that do I have left? It only took two hours, so I was at the day job, and the general manager was praising the team for a job well done and in appreciation offered to ask the group to lunch. Two hours later as I’m working, he comes over and as is “Cracker Barrel okay” to which I respond “it doesn’t matter, I’m not going,” no means no, right?

So he gives me this look and says “why not, you have something to do” and following one of the weekly goals I say “I’ll find something” talk about being a man for once in my life and people don’t like that not one bit. He went off on me, and I let him, my spine breaking… or maybe not, I still walked out and didn’t go, I have informed HR, and now several people know that a war is coming, talk about “It’s The Good Heat.” So am I apologizing for actually speaking up for myself, my lack of courage at that particular moment or to you for exorcising my demons confessing like this?

The stress is killing me, or so I hope which is yet another one of my sins and my embarrassment, sometimes dare I suggest it men are the weaker of the species, I’m hurting, and I made a mistake of going to WebMD. Appendicitis, hell any real medical emergency and game over for me but other than my usual sleeping and vomiting words I’m okay.

Perhaps this is the sin I must apologize for the most, thinking that this life is okay but how will I know absolution, that’s not something you can give me and not something I will ask for from the man I despise. One more sin before I go, I told Indiana Gone I think I know in the smallest way how some victims of sexual violence feel. The fear of telling, thinking as though you have no choice, just instead of spreading my legs/butt cheeks, this guy wanted me to let him into my mind and that I will not do.

So I’m sorry but I will not die today and though there are many theories to my question, Inspector Echo I’m sorry but I’m Radioactive, and I’m sorry that this virus of fear and hate needs an answer before wondering How To Cure Cancer.

I Will Have No Fear

Four More Years, Days, Pages

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The great, the amazing Johan Twiss, though that might be giving him too much credit, then again I gave this book five stars too and would you honestly like to know why I would do such a thing Four More Years, Days, Pages

“Sometimes I just wished life could be different”
4 Years Trapped in My Mind Palace

From the get-go, this is way more than four, five stars all the way and normally I don’t start with a rating but this is truly an awesome read. Now I’ve read Johan Twiss’s work before and to be honest I felt somewhat pressured to rank him somewhat high but with this work, I would give the guy more stars if I could, talk about having only seen the tip of the iceberg and I wish more books could be like this, just amazingly wow.

I’m not even sure what to call this genre since the first book of his I read “I AM SLEEPLESS: Sim 299 (Volume 1)” was clearly a sci-fi but with “4 Years Trapped in My Mind Palace” if I must compare it to anything it would be Andrew Davidson’s “The Gargoyle” just tuned for a younger demographic but don’t get me wrong, being an adult this book is amazing. Now the author sent me a free copy for an honest review and with my last review, I thought the sci-fi wording was somewhat wonky and while this is clearly a different sort of book, Johan clearly did his research. He even goes into detail about his research which means he is clearly hoping his fans might get him… message received Mr. Twiss and well done.

Usually, I’m one to talk about cliché and not to toot my own horn but I read plenty, I’m no critic but anybody who’s anybody will tell you I know my references but this story is quite unique and original. The rare form of “meningitis” for example, I’m sure most people would have gone straight for comatose but Aaron is quite active for someone that can’t move at all. As he is drawn into his Mind Palace we are drawn into him and as far as moving, I couldn’t turn the pages fast enough really.

Is it too soon to mention Solomon the great, Solomon the amazing, how about Solomon the wise, I’m sure the author mentioned King Solomon. Most can only hope for such a life, keeping in mind the joy and pain, sunshine and rain… something from my own memory/mind palace and that’s another thing the music, I swear I can hear it.

“People do this to me all the time. For some reason, they feel compelled to share their life problems and hidden secrets with me. Probably because I’m like a pet dog that can’t talk back. All I can do is sit and listen, even if I don’t want to”
― from Johan Twiss, 4 Years Trapped in My Mind Palace

You’ll find no, stop me if you’ve heard this from me today, at least not story wise, again I’ve somewhat seen the concept in The Gargoyle, Forrest Gump, and probably a hospital drama here and there but the story is an original and between you and me it beats interesting, truth be told I hate when people call my work interesting. Aaron Greenburg deserves so much more along with Solomon and most of the other characters, some were only bits but you felt for all of them, even Dr. Idiot.

So if you’re still listening how exactly would I sum this up, not that you shouldn’t already be looking this up for yourself… Aaron Greensburg has meningitis which prevents him from moving and speaking, his only respite being his mind palace until he meets Solomon who has the ability to hear Aaron’s mind and opens him up to his own history, from boxing to jazz, to World War II and if you want a trip to Disneyland or should I say Wonderland this is the book for you. My third favorite character has to be Solomon’s granddaughter Sarah, not trying to spoil anything yet but I would like to read more of Aaron’s future, immediate future while the ending itself is awesome.

As for the other characters, there was no waste, each character if only for a few pages was developed and felt so real; unique, original, leaving not a single doubt in my mind. Speaking of the mind, I sort of see Aaron’s mind palace as a video game or at best VR but when he began experiencing Solomon’s dreams and dementia, that was a whole new way to fly, Matrix parallel could be. The story brought out so much in me, can’t say I was much into jazz but my aunt would play her classics on the radio and tell stories here and there about her life sometimes.

Also while the author is being so creative, I like how he puts a bit of himself I mean his own experiences in this and he doesn’t sugarcoat any of it. Well, I take that back but I wished for just a moment to be sixteen again, did I mention how much I adored Aaron and Sarah throughout the story.

“Nothing hurts a man’s ego like hearing a pretty girl talk about all the cute guys she likes. Guys who are not him, that is”
― Johan Twiss, 4 Years Trapped in My Mind Palace

If you think I’ve oversold this book or you think I just talk too much, five stars and go out and get it because I’ll have to buy a physical copy myself and I’m about to spoil some of it. Is there anything that I don’t like about this book… *crickets chirp*, *tumbleweed drifts by* ahem okay so I’ll save that for the end huh.

The book has several Forrest Gump moments, as Aaron is inserted into pivotal moments in Solomon’s past and it comes out when both JJ and Big Tom compare Aaron to the person that helped Solomon and them as well, mind blown. There are grown women that need to be more like Sarah, I mean come on, a guy that always listens, thinks you’re the most beautiful thing ever, and is willing to do anything, even learn how to talk; a friend of mine and I agree that guys will literally do anything for a pretty girl which makes the ending even more spectacular. There are too many moments between Solomon and Aaron that I enjoyed so maybe another great scene I’ll leave with is the Valentine’s Day dance, so sweet.

Okay, I’m slightly annoyed that now I’m going to have to look up some jazz on Youtube, Blue In Green or how about that Jack Dempsey fight? The idea that I read the first book and was wondering how I was going to spend this title and now I’m stopping myself from typing awesome about a thousand times like doing a term paper in school. Speaking of school, perhaps that’s the only flaw, that ever so slightly I felt like I was reading some historical narrative I suppose but only really comes out at the end as Johan Twiss attempts to explain himself, like telling a joke but then having to explain it, I get it and there is so much he is trying to say and didn’t want to tick off the history buffs.

Five stars anyway but now the bar has been set, the first book he sent was a solid three but I went one higher because… anyway if I become a fan of Johan Twiss, two points is a line, three points a pattern, usually singers have to get me to like five songs, an author has to get five stars but shall I dare call myself a fan? This book hooked me, from start to finish and what higher praise is there that I want a physical copy for my traditional library, anyway I didn’t want Aaron to be stuck like that forever but really Four More Years, Days, Pages.

“Kid, some things in life just are what they are because God allows it to be so. Maybe we’re not meant to know all the answers. Maybe we’re not ready for them yet. Knowing them now won’t change a thing, and trying to figure it out will just take up our time and leave us with more questions. I’m old, and I don’t have much time to waste. I prefer to live life as it comes, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll get the answers to my questions after I die”
― Johan Twiss, 4 Years Trapped in My Mind Palace

 

 

Bard from Light

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Everything that can be said and not said, release the beast if we lived in such a place but with Donald Trump and others whose to know; even the written word is not safe. Bard from Light, maybe because the crazies have white rooms hmm

And we make our swords
into seven billion cages
while our flags become the pages
so that others will never know what rage is.
Love is several slamming doors

as with our eyes wide shut
we can’t live out loud.
Fahrenheit 451 and how
do we get out
one more war is never enough

when all the good men are gone, the gods, the knights
yet we can never cleanse our souls or purge
Who wants to converge
on a graveyard, but, yes ma’am, yes sir, and her
the lion sleeps tonight

So where is the light?

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 051 ~Not Easy to Be~

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Being me, of all the horrors seen and imagined I would not wish to be me on anybody, and every day I remain myself and not the monster some would have me to be, trust me some thoughts make me appear to have the face of an angel. Not Easy to Be at all

Monday, August 21, 2017

Lesson 051 ~Not Easy to Be~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, and no it’s not easy to be me, not easy to exist right, not easy to continue when honestly all I want to do is cry, beg, scream, yeah I need to refer to my rules. Yes, I’ve been coming up with rules left and right today and also I have been thinking so much that I don’t know who I am, and people telling me what I am, I have completely neglected to say what I know I’m not.

1. I Will Have No Fear
2. You Are Not a Caveman
3. Now The Work Can Begin
4. Hate Will Keep You Alive
5. Love Is Worth Dying For
6. It’s Worthy of Your Soul
7. Stop Crying Your Heart Out
8. Anger Is Better That Despair
9. Satisfaction, the Death of Desire
10. Make Words Bleed, Not You
11. Live Life According to You
12. Medicate for Your Protection, Yours
13. Power Is All That Matters
14. I Will Go the Distance
15. I Take My Own Lumps
16. I Am a Man Remember

These are in no particular order just how I came up with them and I’ll be adding plenty more, I still don’t what’s going to happen to our conversations in the next month. Luna this is a time of great fear, of shame, of humiliation and I have always found a way to survive but that doesn’t make them any easier to endure. Remind me to write that down someday, how I survived that bad November, or YouTube, college, I swear the list just gets longer and longer sadly.

“Villain am I none. Therefore farewell. I see thou knowest me not.” Romeo + Juliet

Lady Lu I have done some things I’m not too proud of, things that I regret, things that I may not have understood at the time and I have apologized. I have also admitted that my rage along with some lust has a tendency to get out of hand, to vilify me and somehow to terrify others, I try Lu, you know I try and then, I don’t know. What I cannot fathom is how people build this version of me inside of their minds, seriously in high school three boys made up a story, the principal took one look at me and let me go or how about when I was arrested and a judge looked at me… is it just a woman thing?

See it’s that right there, that’s what makes me look like some typical asshole, and the thing is being a typical asshole with this face does not fly with my current problem. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve said before “Indiana Gone” along with the other ladies in my orbit will call me on my BS, without question but this problem ain’t new and that’s sad.

Will I lose my dignity, as the song goes, I think I already have and I’m hoping that’s the end of it but then tell that to my writing. Will someone care, other than Indiana Gone, nope at least not on my side of the divide and see that’s fair.

Will I lose my dignity
will someone care
will I wake tomorrow
from this nightmare – “Will I”, cast of Rent

Tomorrow scares me as I’m sure it does many others if I am truly this evil creature everyone seems to think I am, it should be a club somewhere maybe. All I ever think about is everything I have to lose while everybody else cries foul and continues with their lives and again this is fair of them. I was watching this movie “Me Before You” this morning and to see a man lose his ability to be the man he was *sigh*, how dare I because he was good.

Luna will I lose myself to what they will make me out to be… no, let me make this point for you, I refuse to be the obsessed lunatic they would make me out to be. I refuse to be considered some sort of stalker, perv, predator or whatever else just so they can cry victim I’m not those things at all and I never will be. I hit my sister once and you know what that makes me, a child and my “father” whipped my ass and I’ve never so much as touched a woman without consent since then.

I spanked a girl when I was a kid too, and while plenty of people congratulated me, my father again sat me down and told me women were to be respected. Now that being said my “father” and my mother; anyway, let’s focus on the good because there isn’t much of that when it comes to him and me surely.

It’s my turn to be scared, it’s my turn to be humiliated, the good news is my family wrote me off a long time ago and Braxton can’t read. I take my own lumps if that means putting my fist in a locker if that means stomping my food as if I can crush the bad memories, or continuing to look like a damn fool I can live with that.

“”That’s the bad guy.” So… what that make you? Good? You’re not good. You just know how to hide, how to lie. Me, I don’t have that problem. Me, I always tell the truth. Even when I lie. So say good night to the bad guy!” Tony Montana, Scarface (1983)

It’s my turn to be the loser, as if I will ever stop being the loser, what’s my age again, don’t remind of what’s coming up Luna, but yeah meltdown right on schedule. It’s my turn to make a choice, with the Harmonic War I was defending my work and I burned it all to the ground, but with this, I have come to the simple conclusion as with most people, this ain’t worth it. Hell, I remember she got all upset and I couldn’t even bring myself to look at her words, I simply turned away that was Cowardice or my part but this is Providence I feel because the anxiety is killing me.

It’s one thing to make someone want to run, it’s another to make them stay down but I’m still standing and just saying whatever, no defense, again my work was attacked and it was my worst but having the fire to write again, thank you. I need to thank you too, Luna, for being there in my time of great need, the power of words always prevails doesn’t it, or maybe a need of vanity. It’s my turn Luna, or as the Saints would say… this is our time now, let’s get this shit started, two blogging books down, plans in the works, getting ready.

So what have I learned today, more rules of course and that I know with all my crimes the only person that’s ever been hurt is myself, if that’s not being selfless then I don’t have a prayer. Speaking of prayer Luna, neither of us are the praying kind but I pray to whatever power is out there to protect my Braxton every day, so I ask you, Luna, to pray for us, these days it’s Not Easy to Be.

I Will Have No Fear

Roar Scars

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This is what happens if we don’t speak up but what can I do about politics, honestly I’m that guy that’s watching the world burn, literally. Roar Scars, it’s not like man is capable are we, and the king of the jungle, or would be is now a trophy

If it ain’t broke, maybe you’ll talk louder
or scream more of your hate.
Well no one told me about her
no not one star
I wished upon; figured I’d wait
stay just a little bit longer, because chicks dig scars…
they’re called angels, and there are plenty more
that the world anticipates
ending, so why don’t we try harder for

the pain ain’t cheap.
One pill and I can’t stop
with such sweet temptations, that I can’t sleep
Throwing up on the common ground
that isn’t made for heroes at the top
Tell me who will save us now?
Trump, AL Gore, love is an open door
only I don’t call the cops
as I’m not ready to soar

like autumn leaving on a jet plane
You don’t even have to ask why
For nuclear winter will be the one to blame
when you’re looking at a guy with a bomb
who won’t even try?
Just a mean old man without a mom
And the people sing about war
what is it good for if only to take life
from all the lions that never learned to roar

Lesson 029 ~Great Another Small Talk~

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I should really look up where the term “shut up” comes from but I get where Dear John comes from, not one more breath to give and what of the words fell on deaf ears anyway. Great Another Small Talk, yeah something I don’t do

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Lesson 029 ~Great Another Small Talk~

Hey Lady Lu,
You know I thought about “genocidal wording” but that just doesn’t have the same zing as small talk and doesn’t sound nearly as much fun. Of course, it isn’t much fun to someone with anxiety but last night did I not endure enough of it, a “Dear John” letter in a way.

Words Luna should not be wards of the state, maybe I’m making it more complicated than it needs to or I’ll try to but all words have a place. You know in my everyday life how I sort of give in to my OCD, my front door, my music, hell candles but I honestly believe that everything has a place that it belongs. People use words as if they get a tax credit for everyone they find lying around and then giving away and most days it simply overwhelms me.

Can you imagine if words weren’t only of what was; I can’t say that it would be great for our relationship Lady Lu because don’t I live in the past? The same could be said if we were to talk about the future, most of the time I don’t and when I do it only makes me sad, most of the time I come to the conclusion that I don’t have a future. Imagine a conversation where people talked about what is, some people do but they quickly burn out because you can’t keep a fire burning on the nothingness which is truly becoming the general everyday life of most.

Not that I’m anything special, I know that but my words will never leave me… for long anyway but I wish I could have left that conversation last night. I’m sure “Gospel Girl” would have enjoyed it. How does one say, Dear John, I do not care, that would have been awfully rude but wasn’t he pretty rude with what he said; I’ve gotten people into “trouble” for saying less.

Isn’t that just the thing though, saying less is considered a crime in this world, even now my lady, I’m thinking I might have to cut our conversation short because there is no time; yes, I’m still planning a time travel session when the opportunity presents itself. It just feels wrong somehow to cut this session short because there are things I should be doing, eating, sleeping, in other words finding a way to live and survive the night again.

Weirdness, like something from O’Grady, but it is weird when people treat words, all talking in general as if a means to live, not that I’m discounting you Lady Lu at all. Words do give life but it’s weird how people use them and maybe that’s why I use sparingly, I guess I’m just doing my best to help save the environment. Yeah, there is a dog I could be saving, a dog I could be talking to but I have enough trouble just keeping the breath in my lungs.
Every word to me is like an escape from a war torn land, it’s hard and it’s cruel and where do those words find themselves at the end of the day… in a place that no one wants them. How about those words are bombs that are quickly obliterating everything inside me daily and if there is nowhere to find peace, what is left to do but fight? Another reason I don’t talk too much because if I said everything that I ever wanted to say, I might never start swearing, and small talk to me is just a 9mm, everybody has them or bigger and the reasoning remains constant.

I think you see what I mean Luna… okay, no you don’t but all the weirdness has to go somewhere and if I stick with this, by tomorrow we will have been talking a solid month. The war with “Ms. Seasons” that has never come because she doesn’t need to waste words on me, but haven’t I been the same.

Indeed, whatever would I say to her; personally I rather not think about it but yet I am, what would I say to anyone really if I honestly talked to them because I don’t want small talk and again I will give into it. Probably why I prefer the physical, Braxton doesn’t talk but he understands, how many times have I put my fist or foot through something, or at least given it the good college try, how about my “baser” instincts, like a beast?

Words should be more than a welcome to my madness, did I ever welcome you my dear Luna, do they have welcome signs in Hell. Other times I can barely get a word out but maybe I’m taking a cue from the zombies that will one day overrun the planet… at least it will be quiet, and as they say, the pen is mightier than the sword; am I joining the NRA, more guns and bullets, less typing, texting, and for sure talking? If anything I wouldn’t be apologizing so often, I could be all, “That’s What Johnny C Do”, or how about Donald T, or Willy B, I’m not trying to be political though.

I bet you remember when I was all chock full of flowery words, still burns me up some that “better” men than me could use those sweet words only for some girl to lie on her back and physical show them what those words mean to her. No Christian Grey is still not my role model but he didn’t have to talk to Anastasia at first… see that’s the reason Fifty Shades of Grey sold so well, people say the writing was horrendous but we know what they really wanted right? Luna if I’m becoming a zombie like the masses at least I want to be a well-rounded zombie, as Chris Rock put it, a man’s goals, food, sex, silence.

So what have we learned today, as I said all words have a place; does that include small talk too, I would say I’m fresh out of that but as you have seen… Well, that is something else to consider, the fact that this nearly was only an hour of conversation, Great Another Small Talk.

Lesson 006 ~The Difference Between the H-Bomb and A-Bomb~

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While the bombs fall, or maybe I would rather fall flat on my face again or into some whole in the ground because my heart is just that big maybe. The Difference Between the H-Bomb and A-Bomb, I’m not exactly the one to figure that out

Friday, July 7, 2017

Lesson 006 ~The Difference Between the H-Bomb and A-Bomb~

Hey Lu,

I hope you don’t think me a physicist, a psycho, or worse a man of the government; if anything women are a lot like bombs. Now I may never be ready to talk about the “Harmonic War” but I hope someday I will but last night I was thinking of another war, The Fall War or The War of Falling, not so great with names you think or am I?

You know a bomb has but one true purpose, a picture is worth a thousand words, and a word itself has over a thousand purposes. With one word you can stop a war, one word you can blow yourself or others to kingdom come, it’s a part of the whole and people often wonder why I remain silent. I’m scared Lady Lu, I’m scared of what I started or hell who knows, there might be nothing up there, then again…

So we live Luna, it doesn’t profit anyone to sit on my ass and do nothing but I still can’t tell you what happened after the “Harmonic War” short of the burning embarrassment, then the freeze out by friends and my own memories, and then coming back from the rubble. In a way that was the luxury, I think there was back then, I didn’t have to think about anyone else, there was only me. I didn’t worry about how much damage was done, I didn’t have to think about the yield, I just took the hit and even then I didn’t have the guts to look in the end.

As I told you yesterday it’s always the aftermath that ends up beating me, that could, would, and should of the matter but did I listen, no I shouldn’t be sitting but I don’t have the good sense to shut up. Why am I though in certain aspects of my life, that book review, for example, I’ve been acting like some guy waiting for Jesus to return and I really need to cut down on my sinful nature may be.

“I am not going to sit on my ass as the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. I’m going to take a stand. I’m going to defend it. Right or wrong, I’m going to defend it.” – Ferris Bueller

You see Lady Luna that’s what I failed to do for the most part when the Harmonic War started, I challenged and when she fired back and she did, what was left of me just crawled into a hole in the ground, a nice grave. For all intents and purposes I might be worrying over nothing at all, who knows if she’s paying attention, what am I confessing yet again?

With the Harmonic War I had it coming, point blank period, I mean you want to talk about skeevy… am I ever going to get sick of that word, anyway yeah I was. You see Luna I wasn’t the first man and I definitely won’t be the last “TTB” of course I’m not going to explain that now but I was a bad man… I don’t know now whether I truly believe that or not. I knew I would always pay in one way or another but my world was effectively changed, at least for a little while by that H-bomb and then it ended.

As with the War of the Falling I truly didn’t think I was doing anything wrong at the time, I antagonized the H-bomb but when it came to the A-bomb what was my purpose, what did I really want in the end? Three truths, I liked her, two I thought we were friends which is why I spent so much time commenting on her work “flirting” as it were, and okay I like seeing girls all hot and bothered, pushing their buttons. I pushed the wrong one, didn’t I Luna, and now here I am thinking it’s the end of the world but I’m not running away, indeed where is there to run to anyway?

“Where you gonna go, where you gonna run, where you gonna hide? Nowhere… ’cause there’s no one like you left.” Carol Malone, Body Snatchers (1993)

To this day I still feel bad about both, whether years ago or six days, I never wanted to be that man, and I wish I could take it all back but isn’t that just it. Once that bomb is in the air and it’s coming down it must fulfill its purpose, it must do what it was created for.

A bomb doesn’t care, a woman doesn’t care and I know what I must sound like forgetting all the lessons that I’ve read, not mine Luna, I’m an idiot. If I could do it all over again I would have hugged her goodbye (less awkwardly) wished her a nice life and let that be over.

“They say before you start a war
You better know what you’re fighting for”
Angel With a Shotgun, The Cab
Again I could be worrying over nothing, they say to live each day as though it were your last but didn’t I say I’ve been living right these past few days. I’ve been doing everything from freezing up again to preparing myself to keep my eyes wide open and take whatever is going to happen. I did hear from another friend today and apparently, she doesn’t think I’m as “skeevy” then again what goes down in the DM… is friendly banter.

What do you do when the world is ending… a friend and I had this discussion on one of our movie nights, end of the world genre and during “4:44 Last Day on Earth” besides agreeing that was the worst choice of a movie, we also agreed we would have bigger plans on what we would like to do. At this moment because it certainly isn’t the end of the world but now I would tell the woman I offended I was sorry, again because I am and I was wrong. If not that I want to thank her because if it wasn’t for her this new fire inside me wouldn’t exist, how much have I done because some pretty divorcee hurt my feelings?

It really doesn’t matter what the difference is to anyone that finds themselves under the bomb, they see it okay, they don’t well that’s okay too. For now, the lesson for today is the reason bombs are dropped at all and we both know why that is Lady Lu because, in all of this evolution, I know men are idiots.

Lesson 004 ~Embrace The Madness~

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Driven crazy before, been there and done that, it seems I have lost my way again but at least I’m moving now, though there is no destination. Embrace The Madness, maybe not all of it but anger is a hell of a navigator I think

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Lesson 004 ~Embrace The Madness~

Lu,
To be fair on any given day I’m pretty out there, crazy, insane, eccentric, and yes even “skeeve” I cannot tell you how much I hate that word. Is it really the word though or just who I associate with it and for once I’m not talking about myself now.

Okay so what are we doing here if not talking about myself right but am I over the incident, you know I have the tendency to blow thing way out of proportion. I think it comes with the whole bipolar territory but haven’t gotten around to talking to another “real” therapist as of late, like the last two or three maybe more were any help. Besides you listen to me for free and I don’t have to flush my medication down the toilet though I’ve been thinking about that stuff I bought from Amazon right.

“Anger is more useful than despair.” Arnold Schwarzenegger – Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

That’s where I’ve been lately, lost in despair but if I haven’t made this clear, it seems I’m getting madder and madder, talk about watching the world burn, I’m burning up but at least for the moment, I’m not destroying my work. Talk about the five stages of grief, I was never in denial, there was nothing to deny, I confessed, I apologized, hell I wish she would post more stuff to cover my stupidity or just erase it herself. There is nothing to deny and for a couple of days there I skipped straight to depression, nothing to bargain for and like I said anger is not acceptable either.

Only I am angry and instead of being sorry for the first time I’m actually pretty grateful to be this upset because it has done something my previous sin could not. I’m here aren’t I, I’m writing blowing off friends a bit to get this done to let this out, though I wouldn’t say that it’s necessarily helping at all.

Is that what I want… help, no Lady Lu, was this some sort of a wake-up call, perhaps a call to arms, well mine might fall off with all this writing I have been doing lately. That night when we got back to talking I thought I wanted to drop dead, maybe I did and this is Hell which explains the fire burning inside me.

“All I know is that first, you’ve got to get mad. You’ve got to say, ‘I’m a HUMAN BEING, God damn it! My life has VALUE!’ So I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window. Open it, and stick your head out, and yell, ‘I’M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!’ I want you to get up right now, sit up, go to your windows, open them and stick your head out and yell – ‘I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore!’ Things have got to change. But first, you’ve gotta get mad!… You’ve got to say, ‘I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!” Howard Beale, Network (1976)

See now I’m starting to get mad at myself all over because was I treating her like a human being instead of a… well there are so many things I want to say but I’m having a Ned Flanders crisis of conscience still. It wasn’t that serious, I don’t think but again it comes with my usual state of mind, whoever I am given the moment. For the record, I like to think I’m the perfect gentlemen and I do respect women, equal pay, equal rights, and everything in-between though I would never prescribe to all the ideology of feminism.

What about who I am though, I’m perfectly acceptable as long as I’m quite and dependable, aren’t I or is that scary too, is that wrong. You know I went for days without speaking to anyone at work and I’m the bad guy, people can say whatever they want, speak for me and I’m the bad guy. Back in school, I was the flowers and candies guy, I was the one the jerks came to for pretty words so they could get back with their girls but I was pretty much playing Cyrano de Bergerac.

Was I done with the apologies, I’m sorry if this sounds all too familiar Lu, same stuff different day but that just goes to show that things never change. Except for now usually, a pretty face would make me do all sorts of stupid things in the name of “attraction” now I’m up and about it the name of war.

Okay dialing it back but I’m writing now because of that anger, but let’s talk business, you know that Mime poem I wrote gave me my biggest rush of likes, the poem about almost getting fired seriously. Didn’t I tell you destruction is beautiful and since I’ve stopped with the other stuff, not a day goes by without a like.

So I’m embracing the madness, a business decision, you tell me, but for a few more days at least I’m going to let this anger wash over me, fuel to my fire. There are two emotions that guide me in this world and one of them ain’t joy and for the moment the fifth circle holds its sway. Only another reason that I’m mad at myself is the fact that it would take something like this to inspire me to work so hard once again.

I think I may have gotten it wrong as I do most things, so why not embrace the madness and the terror, and hopefully not the utter disgust. Physically I’ve been feeling better though I do have lingering worries, some pain actually serves a greater purpose. Note I said some not all but I will thank her for the pain she gave me because yes it has made me stronger.

No I shouldn’t say that but I do know I want to finish my book, I want to make my blog something if anything just to show her up, success is striking back isn’t it.

“The only way to survive a mad world is to embrace the madness.” Victor Strand
The lesson for today is let myself go crazy, work my ass off, ignore pretty brunettes, yes Embrace The Madness.

Love Falling Out

WillLeave a comment

Why is it, when the world is on its last legs, a guy like me has the chance to sweep the last beautiful girl off her feet, or maybe I shouldn’t watch “Fallout 4’ demos when I’m trying to say something about love am I right? Love Falling Out

So why would I rush a summer’s day

Just to have a summer’s night

Alright

But I won’t say it

Not today or tomorrow, too beautiful for me anyway

Someday when… whoops there go the lights

Tell me you love me, nah it wouldn’t be right

 

Because why does everything have to fall

Both angels and lovers

Bombs… so why were we under the covers

I believe, that love is the answer

And all…

 

Of me and you, is still warm in the nuclear winter

While you love me like you do

Yes I Will Always Love You

My Atom Bomb Baby

To be the lone wanderer

 

No longer, as a part of me springs

Am I too late

Love, don’t make me wait

 

Copyright © 2015 Second Circle Creations, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

 

Inspired by: Mia Rose, “Sonnet 18” by William Shakespeare, “Summer Nights” Grease (1978), Sugar Ray “Someday”, Junior Caldera Ft. Far East Movement and Natalia Kills “Lights Out”, Blessid Union of Souls “I Believe (Love Is The Answer)”, John Legend “All Of Me”, Ellie Goulding “Love Me Like You Do” Fifty Shades of Grey Soundtrack, Whitney Houston “I Will Always Love You” (Dolly Parton), Five Stars “Atom Bomb Baby”, “CivilDefenseSpot” (YouTube) and a great many thanks to “Fallout 4”

 

See Me Here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VzIW9DOUp1U

Mia Rose 004