Category: Journal

Lesson 012 ~Zero to Hero~

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I think I talked about before that being a man is one thing and that we are all trying to be greater and to do great things, so I wonder is that what I accomplished today. Zero to Hero, I’m no hero but the score must have gone up today

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Lesson 012 ~Zero to Hero~

Lu,
Braxton wasn’t a rescue you know, that in no way diminishes his life but he wasn’t saved or rescued, from what I know my “father” shelled out hundreds so my sister could have a purse accessory. Big plans for a small pup and even now, there was an old man that offered me five hundred dollars so his wife could have a little lap dog.

It wasn’t enough, it will never be enough, there wasn’t the slightest bit of temptation, Braxton is mine and I like to think I am his, we protect each other, stay together no matter what. It’s to the point that if the zombies come and I pray that they do that I hope they’re like the “Dawn of the Dead” zombies, you know the ones that wouldn’t eat dogs. So what if they were right, I wouldn’t abandon Braxton, I would die before he does, and that’s simply a fact, a conclusion drawn from the moment we first met Luna.

Now what does that make me, some people would say I’m an idiot, I mean what is Braxton to them, a four-legged, seven pound, bit of fluff but like any real pet owner will tell you, our pets are our children. A parent does right for their children out of love right, responsibly, you bring a life into the world that life is yours, that life holds value, you have expectations and obligations am I right? Now I don’t have any two-legged kids and to be honest, the thought of having any scares me nearly to death but I do want them someday, or at least that’s how I feel at this particular moment really.

I think that such an endeavor makes us better people and I’m sure there are a million good reasons to have kids, love, legacy, the continuation of life but I ask why do I love Braxton so? Of course, he’s mine, so explain to me why does he love me so, what makes him a hero to me and why did I join the club.

“It isn’t the love of a hero, that’s why I fear it won’t do.” Hero

Now that’s a bit presumptuous of me, I’m no hero, I will be the first person to tell you that; first thing that comes to mind is courage and do I have that? What about selfless, what about stupid, goes back to “That’s Not a Compliment” but people in love are heroes and that’s a fine bit of insanity and then there is just timing.

“Well look at this. ‘Pears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?

Big damn heroes, sir.

Ain’t we just.” Firefly (Safe) Episode 5

So this morning, Braxton is busy with his praise the sun routine “walking” helps me out you know, fewer people, less anxiety; so we’re at the end of the street and we spot our neighbor’s dog; Braxton’s Frenemy. I wouldn’t leave him Luna, no collar, on his own for days, another neighbor reporting him missing, probably hungry, scared, so I called out to him. Isn’t that another thing we have talked about, I mean take me all in, T-shirt, sweatpants, holding back a fierce Braxton, and I have “Lucille” with me, all heroes don’t wear capes but come on.

“Nothing in the world is the way it oughta be. It’s harsh and cruel, but that’s why there’s us: champions. Doesn’t matter where we come from, what we’ve done or suffered, or even if we make a difference. We live as though the world were as it should be, to show it what it can be. You’re not a part of that yet. I hope you will be.” Angel (Deep Down)

It wasn’t a question, for thirty minutes, I called, I coaxed, I set Braxton down because even in Braxton’s anger that little dog saw a kindred spirit, and he followed us from house to house. I was afraid neighbors see a black man carrying a blunt instrument, though honestly, I wasn’t scared of the cops, my anxiety was working overtime but I just could not leave that little dog all alone. One of the neighbors even stopped and checked out “Lucille” a white guy, I let him hold it though I never let go and he smiled and eventually went about his day as I continued calling this lost dog.

I did it, I got him home, rushed Braxton into the house, grabbed some treats and went back to the lost little one and got him back to his yard and I shut the fence. Didn’t tell anyone what I had done right then except a friend who wanted me to contact the neighbors and honestly Luna that scared me.

Honestly, I have no quotes on courage because I don’t know what it is, to me, courage is being afraid to do something and then thinking to yourself, what the hell and doing it anyway.

Again I’m no hero, I remember last year “Black Friday” I was at work, of course, maybe it was the year before last, anyway I saw this lost little girl and I was freaked out but I asked her to follow me, I got her to customer service and fortunately her mom was standing in line. Is it wrong to say I was more scared of helping her to the point that I didn’t want to, I could have passed her by but this dog there was just no doubt in my mind you know? Same with that MILF I told you about the other day, first I helped her out because I would hope somebody would do the same for me and then I thought I would have helped her out more because she was desperate and I could have gotten her to do something for me, anxiety is a blessing and a curse.

If anything Braxton teaches me about courage, how many phone calls have I made, people I have cursed out, been prepared to fight, other dogs I have stood against to see to his safety. Of course, I did the same for my sister back in the day but that was not courage, that was the idea that if something happened to her my family would kill me, and so no I would not call myself a hero in any sense.

I thought about all those men that got shot defending, wives, girlfriends, first dates in those shootings, take your pick and how it’s expected for men to do that sort of thing and is it fair. How about if you save yourself, Lady Lu, does that make you a hero then, according to the movie “Defending Your Life” (1991) it doesn’t so the fact that I’m still alive is no big whoop is it. So zero to hero, I got the zero down pact, well actually a friend asked me where I saw myself on my “Blackjack Scale” and while I’m no hero for a little bit today I didn’t exactly feel like a zero, well not until the adrenaline started wearing off after everything.

“If there’s no great glorious end to all this, if nothing we do matters…, then all that matters is what we do. ‘Cause that’s all there is. What we do. Now. Today.” Angel (Epiphany)

The lesson Luna, at the end of the day I don’t want to be a hero, I’m not sure I’m what’s best for Braxton, and giving that dog back to people I didn’t see mount an effort to find him… I actually see myself as a villain but don’t we all want that hero’s moment and courage, Zero to Hero.

“You want to see a man? That’s a man.” Kevin Costner – The Postman (1991)

“For a true hero isn’t measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart.” Hercules

“You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” The Dark Knight (2008)

Lesson 011 ~That’s Not a Compliment~

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If you told me I was a good person I would be waiting for the but what, and if you insulted me, figures, something backhanded though truly irks me. That’s Not a Compliment, not that I get many at all and why should I believe you at all

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Lesson 011 ~That’s Not a Compliment~

Hey Lu,
It’s not a compliment that the first time I thought of you in years was when I was having a crisis, for that I’m sorry but I promise this isn’t going to be one of my most apologetic lessons. I suppose it’s not a compliment to be so down all of the time either and expect you to pick up the pieces and yet here we are together.

What about it’s not a compliment to be named the quietest one in school, what was that the sixth grade maybe? It’s not a compliment to be thought of as so stupid that your parents actually wanted to pay somebody off to take your take home final exam now, is it? The same goes for cheating another final exam to pass a grade, hell I was smart enough to do it but I wouldn’t have had a chance in Hell otherwise and that’s a fact.

Lady Lu it’s not a compliment to have so many enemies that you get called into the office by three of them, saying you’re upset because they’re better at sports… back when my word was good and for the record, everybody was better than me at sports. Well not running and that takes me back to say that it’s not a compliment to be called a fast runner because you spend most of your days running from whoever wants to kick your ass that week. On that note that was until I was voted most likely to snap, now while other people’s fear is sort of a turn on and it was my own fault it’s still not complimentary really.

Neither is it to be the guy that all your classmates try to pick off for a class project because you were thought to be some sort of a smarty-pants. How about when the teacher would call me professor or the time I burst into tears in French class and suddenly my teacher wants to intervene and call it a job well done that day.

Now I know you’re probably wondering what brought all this on and first Luna I would have to say that the more things change the more they stay the same. Secondly, I’m trying to find the line you know, I went all “Cousin Skeevy” yes I know the day is coming where I won’t remember that incident, though to be honest I actually might have an idea about that maybe.

Okay maybe some people are trying to be nice but being called dependable and responsible just so people can use *cough* work *cough* is not a good thing. Being placated by my employer or being expected to call my olds something breaks down because I’m too stupid to do anything about it myself. What about when people say you do something well just trying to be nice but don’t I know better, so many conspiracies.

What about what line not to cross, I have yet to read an erotic novel where the guy wasn’t so hardcore criminal, mafia somebody, or billionaire, okay I read the darker ones but those guys can get away with saying anything. Speaking of which is my “Cousin Skeevy” idea, the best ideas come in the shower and I was thinking about completely revamping my blog, I swear getting angry and the spirit of competition with oh what’s her face. Anyway, Cousin Skeevy will be the pages for my well, skeevy writing… strange I want to be read and at the same time not being read is making me somewhat bold.

Did I mention being called skeevy is not a compliment of course but considering what I want to call some girls in the bedroom; excuse me for getting into “ExCoGi”. Isn’t that another thing, it’s not a compliment to know who you are and not like the person you are, think I said that before.

Personally when you have a face like mine and a myriad of illnesses, Social Anxiety, Bipolar Depression and the like anything you say is liable to come off as an insult and not a sweet sentiment. Don’t get me wrong I never wanted to be one of those guys “catcalling” as it were, anxiety sucks but the internet can be a pretty bad place right?

Besides the whole incident let’s see, I said something about a friend’s… assets and she immediately erased the comment, still “friends” with her but haven’t heard anything from her since. There was another woman, I was truly generous with but of course, let’s be honest Luna, I have a thing for brunettes and I know exactly what I was trying. The worse was probably this MILF I met outside the store once, she was having a hard time and needed some cash so I gave her five bucks, now I would have given her more but why do you suppose that is, what would I have wanted from her then?

Before the “incident” let’s just say I was looking up interracial parking lot “stories” though after such and such happened I’ve been on hiatus. So what about that song “How Do You Talk to an Angel” first rule, don’t be me, yet another thing that has me ticked off, I’ve been avoiding most of my friends because anything I say or do is likely to come off as, say it with me Luna “skeevy” and I already told you I’m trying to find that line. Oh, I found it before, it’s not a compliment to be the guy all the other guys come to, asking me to write poetry so they can get girls and I don’t have one myself.

So what have I learned today… maybe they were right giving me that quietest award because that was the same year I met Angela and what happened there? If anything the lesson is I can’t take a compliment or it’s better to be insulted because coming from most people I know That’s Not a Compliment.

Lesson 010 ~With A Little Help from My Friends~

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If you can’t be loved be liked if not be respected, if not be invisible and barring all other alternatives you can always be feared. With A Little Help from My Friends, maybe it won’t ever come to that, though a fear of losing me

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Lesson 010 ~With A Little Help from My Friends~

Hey Lu,
I get by with a little help from my friends… not that I’m trying to follow pop culture this week but I fell asleep watching EWW Planet of the Apes, so naturally I have to get it out. To begin properly when I talk about friends I would scoff and say “what friends” but yeah I have a few actually.

“Introduce you to my friends I got to see if you notice
If they loyal or if they all got an ulterior motive” Take A Walk With Me, Joe Budden

I find that people that often claim, loyalty, honesty, integrity, patriotism, often have no clue what those words mean and the same goes with a friend. Don’t get me wrong I’m no better than anybody else, especially when it comes to ulterior motive… I swear one day Luna I’m going to get through a day without remembering the incident but yeah I did have a motive or just high hopes. I knew nothing was going to come of it but I can dream can’t I but I don’t find I dream about friends too often and family is more often than not a nightmare but let’s start with how I will define “friend” for real.

“I need your help. I can’t tell you what it is, you can never ask me about it later, and we’re gonna hurt some people.

…Whose car are we gonna’ take?” – The Town (2010)

This right here is the epitome of the “bro code” and I’m sorry to say with the exception of Braxton, I don’t really have any bros in the physical sense, though I will count a guy here or there on Facebook. If anything I would look at Facebook as sort of a 3/5 Compromise, don’t ask me Lady Lu I suck at math and probably humor as well which explains my lack of friendship. Also, I hate asking for help, I don’t ask for help from anybody, even people I don’t consider friends, other employees and the like, part of that is Anxiety and OCD the other is if you want something done right, do it yourself, that’s just me.

“I have always depended on the kindness of strangers” – A Streetcar Named Desire (1947)

It’s just something about depending on people for anything *ahem* family but again I don’t count them as friends, I mean if they cut me off I might be back living in one of those extended stay death traps. On the other hand, they wouldn’t care if I went on another bout of sleeping pills or painkillers either so love… I would settle for anybody saying that they liked me.
He gets high with a little help from his friends, don’t I wish Luna, I don’t get inebriated around friends, well okay with Braxton and that just shows the type of dog parent I am and never more than a glass of wine or a beer, in dire circumstances really.

Okay what about the meds I take, those make me a better friend, maybe a more talkative one, I always get I’m such a good listener. On top of that, you don’t really want to be the guy that always wants to punch someone in the mouth, at least I can pretend and if I honestly don’t want to punch somebody that puts such and such on my higher esteem level just so you know. Now I have wanted to do plenty of other things to friends but then I wouldn’t necessarily call those people friends either, maybe I’m greedy.

“Friends don’t try to undress friends.” Notice

Take Sebastian and Danielle in Cruel Intentions 2, it is my firm belief that men and women can’t really be friends if there is any “chemistry” you know the kind between them, so what do you call me having so many female friends, damn Lady Lu I made my imaginary therapist a girl to what, give me the incentive to write. I have a solid friend here or there but even my “father” told me even if I don’t feel chemistry what about her… it kind of sucks.

Now since I don’t get, stoned, hammered, wasted, whatever with friends, how do I get high with friends; honestly I left happy years ago but a friend that makes me smile, is sort of a high. Some get me higher than others to be completely honest, some make me stop what I’m doing immediately to respond, others I’ll wait a bit, others hell are days away but they all do something for me. Maybe I should start comparing friends to my drug of choice and that would make Braxton a constant adrenaline rush which explains why when he sleeps, I’m right there catching up but I have another friend that would give him a run for his money, she knows.

Truthfully though when it comes to friends, well people, in general, I put them on what I call the Blackjack scale, what’s wrong with that I like Blackjack plenty.

I’m gonna try with a little help from my friends to like myself more and isn’t that what it always comes back to, that I don’t like myself. Yeah, I was reminded of that, me being skeevy and I guess through her eyes I just realized.

“The truth is, I can’t handle the idea of her not liking me. I can’t handle the idea of ANYBODY not liking me.” Melvin Smiley

Okay so the Blackjack scale, 21 is my absolute love, like, loyalty, what have you, for all intents and purposes I would die for you, and my being okay is linked with your happiness which pretty much means my dog. Lower numbers mean a lower esteem and there is not a person alive that has a 21 in my eyes hell when I get married, my wife and Braxton are technically going to be my Topanga and Shawn. If you asked me where I rank on my own scale… well, let’s just say there are reasons I don’t look in the mirror, and that’s some major anxiety don’t you think.

“How great is this? My favorite person*dog* in the world. And my wife.” Cory Matthews – Girl Meets World (2014)

The question remains, when did I stop liking myself and my answer is when nobody else liked me and that right there is a problem I know and a few people are trying to a degree. There’s a guy at work who asks me from time to time about my writing but I don’t see friendship there; nothing wrong with the guy but I see a conspiracy and my job is not above that because I’ve been a part of one here and there. Being friends though immediately correlates with being a boss which explains why I haven’t been promoted, they told me this; I’m plenty dominant, downright sadistic in other areas of my life but again, she called me skeevy, get over it right?

“And when all those people believe in you,
Deep enough and strong enough believe in you,
Hard enough and long enough it stands to reason you,
Yourself will start to see what everybody sees in you.
And maybe even you, can believe in you, too.”
Snoopy the Musical: If Just One Person Believes in You

So what’s the answer Lu, should I focus on myself, stronger meds because even this is a bad batch or work is just that bad; anyway start with me and if nobody likes me in the end at least I got Braxton. Maybe I should be the friend that everybody thinks I should be perhaps because it’s not like the guy I am now is winning hearts and minds who knows truly but with a little help from my friends…

“Under a tyranny, most friends are a liability. One quarter of them turn “reasonable” and become your enemies, one quarter are afraid to speak, and one quarter are killed and you die with them. But the blessed final quarter keep you alive.” – Sinclair Lewi

Lesson 009 ~Man, Kind~

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Man oh man, or maybe boy oh boy, at least one of those applies to me, so as always there is a silver lining, then again considering my love life… Man, Kind is not what that’s about, that would be more girls, girls, girls but the keyword is “ANXIETY”.

Monday, July 10, 2017

Lesson 009 ~Man, Kind~

Hey Lu,
I came to a realization today, well it’s not something I didn’t already know, not something that doesn’t come with an asterisk, hell I might change my mind about saying it considering how this goes. Now if you’ll allow me to get my Bill on… Kill Bill let me say first off there was this wrestler back in the day because I rarely watch wrestling now known as Mick Foley or his in-ring persona Mankind.

“Clark Kent is how Superman views us. And what are the characteristics of Clark Kent. He’s weak… he’s unsure of himself… he’s a coward. Clark Kent is Superman’s critique on the whole human race.” Bill

If you asked me Lady Lu to describe a man I wouldn’t know where to begin, I’d have an easier time describing you but how “skeevy” of me so I will not indulge. Now what about this wrestler I remember, Mankind, he was crazy, damn near suicidal, but always left with “Have A Nice Day”. The thing is, this man was larger than life, an icon and sure it was all for entertainment purposes but how did he do it, first with the mask and then he didn’t need it.

“Don’t try to be a great man. Just be a man, and let history make its own judgments.” Zefram Cochrane

Luna this is what I’m trying, honestly, now you know the dreams I have and the things I want to do in my life but if I could just, make it through the day like any normal individual… So if I can’t be a man, what am I, no not going in that direction, what I mean is that I’m not growing up and that’s what I was thinking about last night. If I told you everything I haven’t done, things that I absolutely refuse to do, I would call myself a bad man indeed.

Now I mean that in two different ways the first being, my anger, every day it’s the same thing, things I’m mad about today, didn’t finish editing my latest chapter in my novel, my neighbor’s dog went missing, and of course work tomorrow, hoping for indifference. On the other side of the coin is the things any man is supposed to be able to do, you could call me a spoiled upper-middle-class rich kid, or how about all the writing I have been doing lately?

A man wouldn’t let some stupid words from a person faze him, go on about my day and continue business per usual, a symptom of my anxiety though. Now this isn’t the realization I had but I’m starting to think of my anxiety as a true illness, of course, it’s an illness but I was thinking more physical for once.

“How? How can I do what is needed, when all I feel is… hate.” – The Mask of Zorro (1998)

So I hide behind a mask and it’s like every day which one will it be, currently I’m letting my medication decide that for me because I was truly getting sick of making the effort. For a while, it has been all my anger, what’s wrong with hate, just like love, or freedom there are wrong ways to go about it, which is why for the most part I focus on myself. Fear is the other, and as much as I want to say there is something missing chemical, some earth shattering moment, an ideology that I could embrace, to put it simply there is some little boy that a long time ago was told nothing but to shut up.

“How can you move faster than possible, fight longer than possible without the most powerful impulse of the spirit: the fear of death.” Blind Prisoner – The Dark Knight Rises

That’s why it feels so herculean even to get out of bed because I feel like a little boy being constantly forced to move through this universe when he was told, that’s not for you, you’ll never be ready and the like. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t fear death for my sake, there is a little four-legged ball of fluff that depends on me and that’s why I do the things I do. Only the anxiety is never going anywhere, you know I got the sneaking suspicion that I wasn’t physically growing because my body knew I couldn’t afford to have that happen.

I grow, I need money, I work which means more people, I leave my crappy job, my anxiety, more fear, more panic, new job more anxiety, it just goes on and on just like that. It could be something as dumb as seeing a weed in the yard so having to cut the whole thing and then screwing that up so hiding in the house.

Here Luna, in writing I don’t feel that need to hide, that anxiety, or so I thought and then the thing happened and I’ve been writing and I’m sure one day I will be more honest I hope. Anxiety makes me the monster of my own nightmares, I don’t know if that was deep or not but it sounded that way in my head really?

Anxiety will never make me that man, you know the man I have always dreamed of being, the man that I probably already should be. Anxiety is a regressive disease, taking me all the way back to the moment I was… I don’t know what but kids are brave, resilient and I only know fear.

Anxiety will never make me her man, now I could go so far “BDSM’ is as much as you’ll get from me today but I’m talking about the regular Joe, the man that can look after a woman and a family. Stupid thought I had last night was the idea of you know who talking about her stupid, crazy ex-husband and I was thinking I could never be like that, no I’m so much worse.

Anxiety will never make me just a man at all, and that’s who I’m mad at most of all and then again why can’t mankind be, you know, kind? I told a friend the other day that if there is anything mankind excels at, it’s the service of death, is it any wonder that life is such a difficult concept.

So what about my realization, you might already be able to guess but to spell it out… I’m no kind of man, at least not the kind anybody wants around. I’m sorry this came out plenty whinier than I intended but that’s what kids do right whine so what do men do, Man, kind, not.

“Don’t do that. Don’t make the mistake of calling what’s inside me worry. Good men worry. Men like me take care of the problem.”
― Kit Rocha, Beyond Temptation (2014)

Lessons 008 ~Tail, Tale, Tell~

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It’s not a lie but it isn’t the whole truth, I wouldn’t want to put it in fiction but sometimes I really wish it was just that. Tail, Tale, Tell, should I put my heart under some floorboards

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Lessons 008 ~Tail, Tale, Tell~

Lu,
I hate that I keep repeating myself, my apologies but from a former lesson, hat is the difference between a patriot and a terrorist, a hero and a villain… the winning side of course. For some reason, I just imagine Superman with some goofy smile on his face but then you got Batman, who is as much of a hero but doesn’t smile that often.

What about the measure of a man or a woman; I’ve brought up my face often but I can be as shallow as anybody else. Now I think of myself as a certain type of guy (Ned Flanders Blackout Continues) anyway I think of myself as one way but I saw someone in the store today and the back made me curious about the front. It made me wonder what people must see when they are looking at my back, really is the view any better or worse, damn eye doctors and their catchy jargon.

How about the way guys say “getting some tail” is that too skeevy; to be honest I have never used that lexicon myself. Doesn’t that say something about the thing that leads humanity, primal nature and all that, we are always looking for something to follow isn’t that right? I don’t think that’s any better than not looking back, forward is just somebody else and behind is just whoever I was or somebody in a worse shape, but trying maybe.

“But that’s why there’s us – champions. Doesn’t matter where we come from, what we’ve done or suffered, or even if we make a difference. We live as though the world is as it should be, to show it what it can be. You’re not a part of that yet. I hope you will be.” Angel S401 “Deep Down” (2002)

No truer words Luna, this is why we raise people to such heights, indeed this is why there was such an intuition as “courtly love” but does that not fly in the face of everything I was taught? In another way, the question remains, what happens when that uniform off in the distance, isn’t that of the hero but of the villain, and we follow.

If I heard it right all the fairy tales of yesteryear were actually horror stories, so why were they changed, erased, new stories replaced them, a form of newspeak? We just can’t help it, it’s one of the reasons I can’t help but look back, in a way I don’t like who I am becoming and as they say, you can’t know where you’re going until you know where you’ve been, rock meet hard place.

Like some little kid, there are the fairy tales I get lost in every night before bed, not that you can call, “Saints Row”, “GTA” and “The Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time” fairytales mind you. At least these stories can be rewritten and there is no real damage, becoming someone else over and over is the luxury. The honest to God stories of my past make me I feel as though I’m Winston Smith and with that being said nobody will remember the truth of him either or that he ever existed at all.

Yes, back to the incident, I can easily say that while I had ulterior motives I really was innocent and didn’t mean any harm when it came to her. It can be said that I was skeevy and inappropriate and way out of line and that guy I haven’t really been trying to escape from finally caught up with me in the end. I can also say my anger is justified and that if I was anybody else from another place, time, or story this would in itself be a whole other story I know.

“Truth is singular. Its “versions” are mistruths.” Cloud Atlas (2012)

Only by piecing together the story of a past can I even begin to start and write the present and dream of what may become the story of my future. This is one of the reasons I turned to you Lady Lu, all those years ago and I turn to you now, and while I don’t lie I edit things.

Isn’t that the right of the storyteller though, I mean this isn’t Fox News or anything, facts are important here but my truth, will not be hers, yours, or anybody else’s that happens to read these words *crickets chirping*. The teller must put a part of themselves in the telling and that part is what is most important to them will define the story as well as themselves… why does this remind me of “Gabrielle” from Xena Warrior Princess, classic?

At this point Luna I might as well be doing this for me but that’s the thing, I have no clue what I’m doing and when I finally realize who knows if I will want to, what be 100% honest like the good ole days, weave lust like a paintbrush and the like? I don’t think their ready yet, how could anybody be ready for what’s to come, I didn’t get to work on my novel today, but it’s coming along. When that day comes though… see I can’t even imagine it yet, just another chapter that has not been written but it will be.

For now, other than you and somebody else there is no one to tell, strangely enough, it has been my past pains that have earned me the most acclaim as of late. Today these words just came to me and they flow, though I don’t know if this is a lake or a cesspool and we both remember the disgust in those days. I think that is what this is all about, the need to be honest and you can’t do that looking at someone’s back not knowing, but such and such brunette has my guts all twisted up, sometimes you’re better off having them turn their back on you.

One day Luna I want to be the dad that tells his children stories but of course, they won’t be my own, but I will give them heroes or at least intelligent villains. Until I’m feeling up to it, no tail to chase, plenty of tales to explore and no one to tell them too, not yet Tail, Tale, Tell.

Lesson 007 ~Am I Officially Knots~

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Now I think I know why it’s easier to just get rid of everything and start fresh because it’s complicated never seems to be a good enough answer. Am I Officially Knots… from the looks of it who would even try to untangle me?

Saturday, July 8, 2017

Lesson 007 ~Am I Officially Knots~

Hey Lu,
If I’m not there on a day to day basis I’m certainly on my way and that’s big talk for somebody with eleven followers don’t worry though you’re still safe. So you’re probably asking why we’re still talking if we’re not being overheard like that therapy session on “Finding Carter” I miss that.

“Work finally begins when the fear of doing nothing exceeds the fear of doing it badly” Alain de Botton, Outskirtspress.com

As good an excuse as any but I’ll always go for I’m as mad as Hell, and I am Lady Luna, I’m always angry and I need to keep it that way. I wish I had known about this sooner, if anything I probably did, we use the gifts God gives us or what pretty girls do. Don’t worry about that we’ll talk about that soon enough or not considering the gag order that I’ve given myself as of late.

“If you ever loved me, don’t rob me of my hate. It’s all I have.” The Count of Monte Cristo

I often wonder which is easier to hate or to love, when I first saw the dog that would become my Braxton, I loved him immediately and it has only grown stronger. When such and such hurt my feelings, no that was nowhere near, I liked and I can’t say I care enough to hate but now I’m just disgusted, now didn’t I say something about a gag order. I’d like to say I’m a man with guts but I don’t know whether or not to keep spilling them here, do I need to run to the bathroom or am I strong enough to untangle them right where they are?

Some things are easier said than done Luna, like staying awake to finish my story, that’s the effect that anger has on me. They will be a time to let it go but for now, it’s only been a week; how disappointed God must be with his creations sometimes.

Again not a holy man or anything of the sort, in fact, I might be as useless as Rick Johnson today, the book review I did because I doubt I’ll be getting any views or likes today. More like I’ll treat English as my second language because as I told a friend today, I’ll never forget a cute brunette but I am trying to desperately ween myself off of a few, some, most women, at least for a while.

Not to sound like one but my legs have been all sorts of twisted, might help if I get out of bed but then Braxton would just be out the door in a never ending cycle. You know that movie “40 Days and 40 Nights”, I’ve done that before and I’m approaching that record again. Seems like a stupid solution right, I get my feelings hurt and decide to take a vow of celibacy or to become a eunuch as if that fixes everything as if she cares at all about it.

Someone asked me to explain this course of action and in one way, a person as inclined as myself must exhibit self-control; I hate the idea of fake it till you make it but a man such as I won’t do such a thing because I can have a woman if I want one. Also on a biological level, it’s supposed to raise testosterone levels and make a man more daring and bolder, always being on the hunt except I’m here in bed. It also fuels my anger; I mean if I told you what I was doing before we started talking again but I was already holding out then.

I think we have established that I have guts, but let’s say I have another sign of courage as well though they haven’t been any sign of help in longer than a month. At this rate I’m bound to become even more twisted considering the state of the world and have we learned nothing, in the end, prohibition has failed.

Speaking of prohibition, I’ve been tongue-tied for quite some time, dare I say thirty-three years, I wish I knew the moment there was no going back. Now with writing, I can tell you the exact moment I was doing something but talking was just ugh.

We’ve been over my anxiety a bit but I truly feel that spoken or printed I would have ended up in the same place and no I’m not going to preach about life being unfair… today. The most courage perhaps I have ever shown was all the way back in high school when I asked a girl to prom and of course she already was going with someone else. My anxiety got my ass kicked by my father because I couldn’t talk to the tutors oh and did I mention with all the tutoring in the world I still ended up going to summer school.

“Slander is spoken. In print, it’s libel.” J. Jonah Jameson

With writing you can already see it, my fingers get drunk off their own idea of self-importance and I can’t lie about, who I really was, am, or could be. From the beginning when I was a little boy and I wrote a word on a piece of paper that just happened to be my own name and now that name might as well be “M. Night Shyamalan” though he’s making a comeback. My novel if anything shows how knotted up, how twisted, how tied up my fingers have been and they are not helping with my adult problem really.

For now, I am The Gordian Knot, which isn’t good at all, remember it was not untied but rather cut which was the rather simple solution, is that what I’m doing, I mean not cutting literally, never been one for that. As all addicts, the first step is to acknowledge the problem and that’s the lesson, I’m still trying to see the whole problem but honestly Am I Officially Knots?

Lesson 006 ~The Difference Between the H-Bomb and A-Bomb~

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While the bombs fall, or maybe I would rather fall flat on my face again or into some whole in the ground because my heart is just that big maybe. The Difference Between the H-Bomb and A-Bomb, I’m not exactly the one to figure that out

Friday, July 7, 2017

Lesson 006 ~The Difference Between the H-Bomb and A-Bomb~

Hey Lu,

I hope you don’t think me a physicist, a psycho, or worse a man of the government; if anything women are a lot like bombs. Now I may never be ready to talk about the “Harmonic War” but I hope someday I will but last night I was thinking of another war, The Fall War or The War of Falling, not so great with names you think or am I?

You know a bomb has but one true purpose, a picture is worth a thousand words, and a word itself has over a thousand purposes. With one word you can stop a war, one word you can blow yourself or others to kingdom come, it’s a part of the whole and people often wonder why I remain silent. I’m scared Lady Lu, I’m scared of what I started or hell who knows, there might be nothing up there, then again…

So we live Luna, it doesn’t profit anyone to sit on my ass and do nothing but I still can’t tell you what happened after the “Harmonic War” short of the burning embarrassment, then the freeze out by friends and my own memories, and then coming back from the rubble. In a way that was the luxury, I think there was back then, I didn’t have to think about anyone else, there was only me. I didn’t worry about how much damage was done, I didn’t have to think about the yield, I just took the hit and even then I didn’t have the guts to look in the end.

As I told you yesterday it’s always the aftermath that ends up beating me, that could, would, and should of the matter but did I listen, no I shouldn’t be sitting but I don’t have the good sense to shut up. Why am I though in certain aspects of my life, that book review, for example, I’ve been acting like some guy waiting for Jesus to return and I really need to cut down on my sinful nature may be.

“I am not going to sit on my ass as the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. I’m going to take a stand. I’m going to defend it. Right or wrong, I’m going to defend it.” – Ferris Bueller

You see Lady Luna that’s what I failed to do for the most part when the Harmonic War started, I challenged and when she fired back and she did, what was left of me just crawled into a hole in the ground, a nice grave. For all intents and purposes I might be worrying over nothing at all, who knows if she’s paying attention, what am I confessing yet again?

With the Harmonic War I had it coming, point blank period, I mean you want to talk about skeevy… am I ever going to get sick of that word, anyway yeah I was. You see Luna I wasn’t the first man and I definitely won’t be the last “TTB” of course I’m not going to explain that now but I was a bad man… I don’t know now whether I truly believe that or not. I knew I would always pay in one way or another but my world was effectively changed, at least for a little while by that H-bomb and then it ended.

As with the War of the Falling I truly didn’t think I was doing anything wrong at the time, I antagonized the H-bomb but when it came to the A-bomb what was my purpose, what did I really want in the end? Three truths, I liked her, two I thought we were friends which is why I spent so much time commenting on her work “flirting” as it were, and okay I like seeing girls all hot and bothered, pushing their buttons. I pushed the wrong one, didn’t I Luna, and now here I am thinking it’s the end of the world but I’m not running away, indeed where is there to run to anyway?

“Where you gonna go, where you gonna run, where you gonna hide? Nowhere… ’cause there’s no one like you left.” Carol Malone, Body Snatchers (1993)

To this day I still feel bad about both, whether years ago or six days, I never wanted to be that man, and I wish I could take it all back but isn’t that just it. Once that bomb is in the air and it’s coming down it must fulfill its purpose, it must do what it was created for.

A bomb doesn’t care, a woman doesn’t care and I know what I must sound like forgetting all the lessons that I’ve read, not mine Luna, I’m an idiot. If I could do it all over again I would have hugged her goodbye (less awkwardly) wished her a nice life and let that be over.

“They say before you start a war
You better know what you’re fighting for”
Angel With a Shotgun, The Cab
Again I could be worrying over nothing, they say to live each day as though it were your last but didn’t I say I’ve been living right these past few days. I’ve been doing everything from freezing up again to preparing myself to keep my eyes wide open and take whatever is going to happen. I did hear from another friend today and apparently, she doesn’t think I’m as “skeevy” then again what goes down in the DM… is friendly banter.

What do you do when the world is ending… a friend and I had this discussion on one of our movie nights, end of the world genre and during “4:44 Last Day on Earth” besides agreeing that was the worst choice of a movie, we also agreed we would have bigger plans on what we would like to do. At this moment because it certainly isn’t the end of the world but now I would tell the woman I offended I was sorry, again because I am and I was wrong. If not that I want to thank her because if it wasn’t for her this new fire inside me wouldn’t exist, how much have I done because some pretty divorcee hurt my feelings?

It really doesn’t matter what the difference is to anyone that finds themselves under the bomb, they see it okay, they don’t well that’s okay too. For now, the lesson for today is the reason bombs are dropped at all and we both know why that is Lady Lu because, in all of this evolution, I know men are idiots.

Lesson 005 ~Freezing with Embarrassment~

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Was the sin I committed ever so great that I must fall further still, I burned and now I freeze because of it; humiliation is not new at all. “Freezing with Embarrassment”, now I don’t suppose any weatherman can help me with that.

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Lesson 005 ~Freezing with Embarrassment~

“Can you blush?” Blade II

Lu,
Let’s chalk that up to one of those things I’ll never be able to do, though I’ve tried and yes stupid people have noticed. Now I’ve been talking about a burning in blood as of late but today’s lesson will be on, guess what… humiliation.

I’ve been told I wear my heart on my sleeve and we both know I tend to take things to seriously which leads to a lot of resentment and plenty of anger. Trust me I have plenty of fuel to burn but while I was at work today “it” happened again. The “it” when for a moment in time I freeze, I remember, and it takes me a minute or so to fight back the feeling, my version of a panic attack I suppose Luna.

The last panic attack I recall… somewhere between when I worked for the “red shirts” and when I met an online friend in real life; the shaking, the breathing, the experience of the whole world falling apart but it’s just me crumbling at the time clock or the box office. Only that’s not the real Hell and we will be getting to one of my “Dante’s Inferno” rants, I have still sworn off the second circle for a while. What I thought about today is that it’s not the burning that gets to me but the being frozen in place and time, that wrecks me.

No, it doesn’t, it keeps me, that’s the worst part about it, you see a wreck, hitting rock bottom would be the end, and I’ve talked about being destroyed before. It’s the after, that might be more problematic than the event itself, the aftermath.

I’ve heard the saying that everything you want lies on the other side of fear, so you walk through Hell, you burn but I’ve never experienced that sense of relief that freedom of yeah I’ve done it and I’m finally okay.

Take for example today, well I mowed the yard maybe a week ago right, I think “okay the neighbors won’t yell” they never have but anyway I get back to the house today and boom two big anthills, one center of the yard, another half into the neighbors. So I rush out and put some ant killer stuff on the yard right, problem solved but no I’m stuck on how long have those anthills been out there, did the neighbors see, what if the stuff doesn’t work, did I use it wrong, was it the wrong stuff etc. Talk about building a mountain out of a molehill or anthill in this case honestly.

You didn’t think I was going to go a day without talking about the incident right, just more proof that I’m stuck here, will I apologize again, will I hate, been ignoring her and most mutual people on Facebook. Do they know who I really am, what do they think about me, will I ever comment again, will I ever shut up?

What about when I was at work today, first I said I got stuck in my moment and usually when I’m there I either kick a hole in a box or stomp my foot really hard like I’m stomping on the devil, stupid religious background. Anyway, I get asked to deliver the jewelry p to the front, a simple enough task, except I don’t know where they want the cart, not to mention some of the boxes were mixed, hats and things, general vicinity but not exactly jewelry. Besides that, and the stupid pillows, so much for any thoughts of walking tall but I try, Lady Lu, I really try but it’s almost like this person I am is set in stone, like any headstone.

That’s my whole point, it’s as if I’m already dead in a way, another reason I stomp the ground, maybe I’m trying to get myself out of the ground but I keep falling back into it, frozen in place or just trudging my way through the snow, however, I can.

Seems dumb to be talking about snow here… the actual weather matches my mood, either a torrential storm or burning hot. You know that’s how my father does it, hate that I’m giving him any props but that’s how he gets by, he hates the whole damn world and everyone in the end just kowtows.

I go back and forth with this hating people thing and why I have bad thoughts, I guess though I have a sliver of hope left for humanity. I prefer the higher circles but, anxiety, shame, rage, all drive me down lower, they burn me but the lowest circle of Hell is encased in ice. The greatest sin is Treachery and this I truly believe and either I or my anxiety is guilty of such a sin dear Lady Ly.

In is defined as a violation of faith; betrayal of trust, treason, perfidy, faithlessness, but am I the betrayer or have I been betrayed… to be honest, both. I don’t betray other people, okay I mean if they came at me first but I do betray myself every single day, and then some and here I wonder why I don’t get anywhere. The more I warm to someone and here I am again and the only way to recover is to burn with rage, none of this is doing any good. So I sit here stuck, taking it step by step, remembering every stupid thing I’ve done and trying to move past it but being hit with it yet again.

So what have I learned… I don’t want to be my father, I told a friend I don’t want to be angry all the time but I heard in a movie once, I’ll keep my rage and bitterness because at least I know they’re true. I don’t want to be frozen, I don’t want to be stuck, frightened, fighting to keep my head up and staying out of the ground but I’m freezing with embarrassment.

“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist.” Cypher Raige – After Earth (2013)

Lesson 004 ~Embrace The Madness~

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Driven crazy before, been there and done that, it seems I have lost my way again but at least I’m moving now, though there is no destination. Embrace The Madness, maybe not all of it but anger is a hell of a navigator I think

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Lesson 004 ~Embrace The Madness~

Lu,
To be fair on any given day I’m pretty out there, crazy, insane, eccentric, and yes even “skeeve” I cannot tell you how much I hate that word. Is it really the word though or just who I associate with it and for once I’m not talking about myself now.

Okay so what are we doing here if not talking about myself right but am I over the incident, you know I have the tendency to blow thing way out of proportion. I think it comes with the whole bipolar territory but haven’t gotten around to talking to another “real” therapist as of late, like the last two or three maybe more were any help. Besides you listen to me for free and I don’t have to flush my medication down the toilet though I’ve been thinking about that stuff I bought from Amazon right.

“Anger is more useful than despair.” Arnold Schwarzenegger – Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

That’s where I’ve been lately, lost in despair but if I haven’t made this clear, it seems I’m getting madder and madder, talk about watching the world burn, I’m burning up but at least for the moment, I’m not destroying my work. Talk about the five stages of grief, I was never in denial, there was nothing to deny, I confessed, I apologized, hell I wish she would post more stuff to cover my stupidity or just erase it herself. There is nothing to deny and for a couple of days there I skipped straight to depression, nothing to bargain for and like I said anger is not acceptable either.

Only I am angry and instead of being sorry for the first time I’m actually pretty grateful to be this upset because it has done something my previous sin could not. I’m here aren’t I, I’m writing blowing off friends a bit to get this done to let this out, though I wouldn’t say that it’s necessarily helping at all.

Is that what I want… help, no Lady Lu, was this some sort of a wake-up call, perhaps a call to arms, well mine might fall off with all this writing I have been doing lately. That night when we got back to talking I thought I wanted to drop dead, maybe I did and this is Hell which explains the fire burning inside me.

“All I know is that first, you’ve got to get mad. You’ve got to say, ‘I’m a HUMAN BEING, God damn it! My life has VALUE!’ So I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window. Open it, and stick your head out, and yell, ‘I’M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!’ I want you to get up right now, sit up, go to your windows, open them and stick your head out and yell – ‘I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore!’ Things have got to change. But first, you’ve gotta get mad!… You’ve got to say, ‘I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!” Howard Beale, Network (1976)

See now I’m starting to get mad at myself all over because was I treating her like a human being instead of a… well there are so many things I want to say but I’m having a Ned Flanders crisis of conscience still. It wasn’t that serious, I don’t think but again it comes with my usual state of mind, whoever I am given the moment. For the record, I like to think I’m the perfect gentlemen and I do respect women, equal pay, equal rights, and everything in-between though I would never prescribe to all the ideology of feminism.

What about who I am though, I’m perfectly acceptable as long as I’m quite and dependable, aren’t I or is that scary too, is that wrong. You know I went for days without speaking to anyone at work and I’m the bad guy, people can say whatever they want, speak for me and I’m the bad guy. Back in school, I was the flowers and candies guy, I was the one the jerks came to for pretty words so they could get back with their girls but I was pretty much playing Cyrano de Bergerac.

Was I done with the apologies, I’m sorry if this sounds all too familiar Lu, same stuff different day but that just goes to show that things never change. Except for now usually, a pretty face would make me do all sorts of stupid things in the name of “attraction” now I’m up and about it the name of war.

Okay dialing it back but I’m writing now because of that anger, but let’s talk business, you know that Mime poem I wrote gave me my biggest rush of likes, the poem about almost getting fired seriously. Didn’t I tell you destruction is beautiful and since I’ve stopped with the other stuff, not a day goes by without a like.

So I’m embracing the madness, a business decision, you tell me, but for a few more days at least I’m going to let this anger wash over me, fuel to my fire. There are two emotions that guide me in this world and one of them ain’t joy and for the moment the fifth circle holds its sway. Only another reason that I’m mad at myself is the fact that it would take something like this to inspire me to work so hard once again.

I think I may have gotten it wrong as I do most things, so why not embrace the madness and the terror, and hopefully not the utter disgust. Physically I’ve been feeling better though I do have lingering worries, some pain actually serves a greater purpose. Note I said some not all but I will thank her for the pain she gave me because yes it has made me stronger.

No I shouldn’t say that but I do know I want to finish my book, I want to make my blog something if anything just to show her up, success is striking back isn’t it.

“The only way to survive a mad world is to embrace the madness.” Victor Strand
The lesson for today is let myself go crazy, work my ass off, ignore pretty brunettes, yes Embrace The Madness.

Lesson 003 ~Freedom Responsibly~

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Did I shout fire in a crowd, honestly I’m probably a lot worse than most “gentlemen” and that is saying a lot when I should probably be saying much less. Freedom Responsibly is there really such a thing anyway, and why wasn’t I when I could have

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Lesson 003 ~Freedom Responsibly~

Hey Lu,

This isn’t free you know, binding you to me, as I’m bound by emotions, chief among them being anger but didn’t I say that anger would not be tolerated? What else is there, right the stuff we’re not allowed to talk about because there is no freedom here I know.

Can’t stress this enough my Lady Lu but this is all my fault because I was practicing the freedom of speech and in so doing I trampled on another person’s freedom. That person then used the same rights in their freedom and here I find myself bound and why is that… because she and everyone else is right. If anything I can tell you the truth quite simply in a song that I heard once and that’s “Freedom Ain’t Free”

You know what the difference is between a patriot, a traitor, hell even a terrorist… the winning side but there is something that, excuse me, trumps all that and that is power. That’s been the problem for most of my life, power or more so the lack thereof but really what power does some woman have over me I ask you. The answer is I’m still here talking to you, that after years of zero contact I turn to you, even today of all days when all I really want to do is rest now.

One more freedom I have been denied and I do mean that in a scary way, we talked about one of the reasons it’s good that Braxton is always around. So let’s go with why I wasn’t using my freedom responsibly and that in itself could go on forever, starting with the simple fact that I’m not free for real.

Now Lu I’m not planning on making some big social commentary on race or the state of this country, just one more thing we’re not allowed to talk about. I’m angry about that, you are damn right I’m angry but for a few hours at work today that anger wasn’t at myself, we both know who I was angry at.

Which leads me back to power, would I give my freedom away for power, to be slave to the almighty dollar, not like I’m not already, to be beholden to the people, if I could turn those people my way sure, what about to be addicted to my baser urges, does revenge count? Power is the end all be all I think but you only want more and more, and don’t we mistake that for the freedom that we all seek. Star Wars both Jedi and Sith have no freedom but then the question becomes what exactly is this thing people would dare call freedom.

“Freedom (n.): To ask nothing. To expect nothing. To depend on nothing.”
― from Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead (1943) Goodreads.com

So what have I been asking for, forgiveness, I’m not even sure I want or deserve it and to be honest with myself and my crime I did have ulterior motives. I don’t expect to gain any of it but I’m here because isn’t there always hope, maybe the hope that I will forgive myself or of something I don’t even have a name for. I also can’t believe how much I depend on other people’s good opinion about me, I don’t want to really meet these people but I want to believe that they think some sort of good for me and maybe that’s what hurts me the most.

A free man would walk away, a free man wouldn’t be bothered, a free man would do as he wanted even if that meant betrayal. Today of all days isn’t that what the founding fathers taught, I was once a history buff but they betrayed, it was downright treacherous and isn’t that what they call the ninth circle of Hell.

I gave into the second circle and because of this where do I find myself now the fifth circle which is Wrath but no not like that. If anything that’s what I wanted today, the freedom to be mad, a part of me has been thinking about expanding all this, to think I was on death’s door just yesterday right.

Didn’t Facebook get started because of somebody’s wayward heart or so were the rumors and I think Zuckerberg has freedom. Ayn Rand’s vision of freedom I don’t think will ever exist and in truth what would I do if I had freedom, the most freedom I could imagine this moment again is going to sleep and not worrying about anything. Now power is a dream that can come true and that’s me being hopeful because again power is all that really matters and if you want my two cents on love at the moment the power of love pales in comparison in the freedom not to do so I think.

“Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety.” Benjamin Franklin

This is what I’m doing right now Lady Lu, trading in my freedom, for what, people’s approval, a chance at something better, and of course my own fear. I could just want some moment of sanity and I’m sorry to say I would give up my freedom for that, you remember that show Solitary, in captivity those people might have actually grasped freedom. Again I’ll tell you, give me the power to do all that I may desire, to be angry, to be spiteful, revengeful, to do everything and all and I would gladly surrender whatever freedom I might have.

I don’t want to Freedom Responsibly because I can’t, I know enough not to break any laws, you can relax but for now, let’s just settle on being angry. That’s power, that’s why I’m here Luna to one day have that and to never need to worry about Freedom Responsibly.