Tag: Fear

Gospel 271 ~Know Your Sins Before Others~

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I’m an open book but there are some I don’t share. Now aren’t I always saying that Braxton’s death is the hardest thing to know. The final bill still sits, I tell everybody. When’s the last time I haven’t mentioned him. “Know Your Sins Before Others”

Monday, March 29, 2021

Gospel 271 ~Know Your Sins Before Others~

Hundred And Eighty-First Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and Braxton never knew. Oh, come on now, he had more faith.

Now before I wax on all “poetic” about B’s eyes… Aww, screw it. B III looked at me as though I alone had the power to save him. He believed, with all his might, that I would take him home that day. I am his Dad, and I couldn’t be anything else. What I became? I’m sure Amazon is wondering the same thing. Yeah, I’m still burning money like it’s going out of style. As a matter of fact, I’m gazing at some “style” right now if Amazon Prime is true to their word. Let’s just say it’s concerning “Lollipop Chainsaw” fashion sense, Madam Justice. Speaking of cash and my absurdities with it, my GREED. To think I “give-up” one sin for that of GREED.

I’m sure two redheads are laughing their way to the bank. One of them was something over a year ago. Petting Braxton, him sitting here while I read, kept me from more sinful pursuits. I wanted to be a good example but ask Indiana Gone something about that ha. I’m still reading. “Anything good?” you ask? Depends on your definition of good. Of all the things I would tell B III about, recounting my latest… Yeah, with my “retail therapy.” Is that what it’s called? Well, at least I did cancel that Patreon, and it’s not like this is new. Several subscriptions still await. Isn’t it funny that the WWE isn’t one that had me the slightest bit conflicted? “Born in LUST turn to dust.”

No, I’m not reading Stephen King. It’s not like what I am reading is putting me to sleep either. I’m tired, Madam Justice. Last week… if I survived since I am talking to you March 26. Now I’ve mentioned how much I despise the Day Job; being so rageful also depressed. Although Braxton is the cause of one of those. Not that I’m blaming him. Because around this time, January 29, I was witnessing my ultimate failure as his father. Yep, I called the Veterinarian. Last night, I was so out of it with exhaustion, but my Mom called; wakefulness. It’s the one thing that gets me moving, and out of my SLOTH, another’s pain.

Braxton’s death… I knew before the doctor’s words, “He’s Gone.” Know Your Sins Before Others

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 270 ~I Growl B Cause~

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I remember those old commercials of “so easy a caveman can do it.” The first word ever spoken was probably not caveman to caveman. I can imagine it was one telling his wolf to get off the rock. I growl at people; I talked to Braxton. I Growl B Cause.

Sunday, March 28, 2021

Gospel 270 ~I Growl B Cause~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means Braxton would be as well. I’m not mad, though, at least not like you now.

It’s one of the reasons we’re talking today and not Sunday. With everything happening right, you might break your keyboard. As I believe I broke the car stereo. Yes, another distraction from the empty passenger seat. In truth, it’s not like B was there that often. Still, I could commiserate with him as we both had enemies outside the car. Braxton’s would be the vet. Again and I can’t stress this enough, I’m not mad at the vets. At least I was paying for Braxton to always get better, and then… Anyway, paying those Serra fucks. Pardon my language or yours, I’m getting angry on a Tuesday, and I don’t want to imagine your rage. The worse days of the week are Wednesdays and Sundays.

Any day I brought fries back was a good day for B III. He didn’t growl because he was hungry. No, he would do it because he was greedy and his Daddy is weak. Are you as I am because I went to Mickey D’s. Just like I won’t say “Another Day,” “Life Goes On?” I’m pissed at myself, sure for my crime. The Day Job, though, and I know you’re getting it. You’re still in DENIAL with Braxton. People at the Day Job… why are you still working there. Of course, I know, which makes me hate myself even more with these past days. You know something, maybe you should make “that the prize.” If you were able to accomplish the Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, “Succubus Lord 11” Eric Vall
    Completed
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, Braxton’s Albums
    Failed
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 086 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 093) No Fap
  5. I Am Cleaning Out The Refrigerator (Braxton’s Last Meal)
    Failed
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

Still, I am no oracle from ancient Greece. I said before I’m not Hercules. And looking in the mirror, I’ll say, “He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus. But he talks like a gentleman.” Or I wish I had, and you are hmm, with M Anime. B growled at girls, but they loved him so. Didn’t I? And that’s why I’m looking into all this stuff. I want a black pedestal for frames and candles, a trunk for all his things… another furbaby. Yet one more Republican tendency; find something to hate more than yourself. A man trying as always for these Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Innocents by Cathy Coote
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 093 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I Am Cleaning Out The Refrigerator (Braxton’s Last Meal)
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am

I would say “You Are Not A Caveman” because you could be better. You could be the man Braxton thought of as Dad. How can I? I Growl B Cause

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 269 ~Braxton Spills The Beans~

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It’s no secret; Braxton’s gone. I’m not hiding that I’m crazy or knowing I’m guilty. A small boy, but B III had a big bark. If he’s not too busy barking at people at the pearly gates or giving Cerberus a run for his money… “Braxton Spills The Beans.”

Saturday, March 27, 2021

Gospel 269 ~Braxton Spills The Beans~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now or not. Just like Braxton didn’t tell everyone my secrets. His food was a different story…

It’s been weeks since I found any, like the “regular” parents finding their child’s Legos. Of course, his treats and meds are still on the counter. Braxton has a bag of food in the fridge. Then there’s the last opened can and his pan. Lady Luna, why bring this forward? I’ve washed his hoodie today… not by choice, mind you. In Braxton’s final days, he was sweating or wetting himself, not that I care either way. A bottle of soda changed all that. Maybe I can transfer some of the smell from his bed back onto the hoodie. Madness, insanity, perhaps? What’s the secret? I love Braxton like pancakes. But who was to know, as much as I kept him to myself all this time.

Tell that to the hackers and scammers after B left. It’s too soon for Christmas, but Hell, I woke up this morning, and I had no clue what day it was. I don’t know who I am. It’s plenty of assholes who are trying. Did I mention Amazon and my shenanigans? You’re right; I didn’t. Without Braxton’s hunger being a factor? Give me anything to serve as a distraction, which is why I’m later than usual talking to you. The Day Job is still crazy, and this week has the potential to be worse. So many people I don’t know. You’re asking me to explain why I’m here then? As I say every day, Braxton’s Life Matters, but I started talking when he again left.

I’ve dropped stuff from food to tears to his bed. I call for him to take his meds. Only not in getting some scrap of food that got away. He’s not here to flop down beside me. B III would be as mad at my schedule as I am, and instead of his bed, he would hide beneath mine, ha. He wasn’t one to keep secrets, but he would tell white lies to get an extra treat out of me. Again, while I’m way too tired, which I am this morning but shouldn’t I be enjoying it considering, well, whatever. It doesn’t matter as I ask Braxton for strength and know his loss is pain.

My worst crime and Braxton’s somewhere. Braxton Spills The Beans

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 267 ~The Future B Fruitful~

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Somebody said to be fruitful and multiply. Someone else said that today is B-E-A-utiful. Braxton isn’t here to see it, and is it considering when I’m writing this. The family I promised him is somewhere… haven’t met HER yet. The Future B Fruitful hmm

Thursday, March 25, 2021

Gospel 267 ~The Future B Fruitful~

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I know what you’re thinking, B. I’m not making time for you on our day?

I would tell you, it’s just how life is. If I had been paying attention before… It’s one reason I have to write so early now as if I could do something… save you? Only I don’t think you want to talk about our last days together. I should have been petting you like crazy. Daddy was always writing and even then being a lazy ass but dreaming about that magical someday. Every day should have been ours because you were happy. Besides telling me, you don’t hate me, I want to know you were happy in life. Always, forever. Braxton, I wanted to do something special for your sixteenth birthday. Of course, it has come and gone. I didn’t buy you anything for Christmas?

We had time, you know? Oh, and I’ve said it so many times, I wanted to give you a family. Your mom, some siblings, I never wanted you to be lonely. With you, I never was, and I thank you. I always treated it as another day, believing you would be here no matter what. While my sister never did, I would carry you around in my backpack too. I wanted to get you a little emotional support vest so I could take you anywhere. I wouldn’t wish my “work” on anybody, but I could take you to my dream job and how people would love you lots B III. Your love made me want to give love. Saving me, you gave too much, Braxton.

What did I do with such a gift? Nothing is growing, no matter how many tears I cry. The sweat of this man’s brow serves no purpose. Sure I have more things to keep me alive, but every day I ask myself why. Do you remember B that old quote of What Would Jesus Do? Yeah, that’s one more idea, a black bracelet asking me, What Would Braxton Do? I still have all the books I read. But maybe I should start a Things I Learned From Braxton. Am I planning for the future? Do you know your grandpa said, your soul might guide me? Well, I do know what you want. Daddy is Happy.

Not yet, not ever… the days, The Future B Fruitful

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Gospel 266 ~B III Of Numbers~

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I’ll be broke again “financially,” speaking soon enough. I’m still “broken.” It’s been seven weeks. A lost son times 7 weeks, plus $1400, divided by a week in a “different” Hell the (Day Job). B III Of Numbers, not as long as I’m still breathing

Wednesday, March 24, 2021

Gospel 266 ~B III Of Numbers~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, with an extra $1,400 to spend. I’m not ungrateful, but what happened with my last check?

Is it a sin to keep retelling the same story? For now, Inspector Echo, consider it my confession, my condemnation. Perhaps one day my coup de grâce because it kills me to repeat it. Yet I’m in Hell now, and someone said that’s what, Hell is my dear, repetition. I still hate math, but here we go. So I have $600, and $100 of that goes for B III’s annual check-up. I put $500 in savings because those fuckers at Serra Hyundai tried to get it. That was late last year. January 27, a Wednesday, I ignore Braxton. He cries that night but by morning seems okay. That evening I worry. Friday, we’re at the vet, and there goes the other $500… running his tests.

I didn’t want to spend the money; I was mad. I called my mother, and she sent an additional $150. Then there was one day, that Saturday, I would have given up everything to save him. Banfield isn’t Serra. They never asked for $500 flat-out. Then there was only $323.60 and one word, Euthanasia. After that, the money, my sweet buttery Jesus, the cash. It didn’t mean a damn thing anymore. I still have the Day Job, of course. It’s Saturday now as I’m writing this because, as I said, this week is sucking, right? So I wonder how much of my Stimulus Check is left in only, yeah, a week. You know, The Triage Method… more like the Braxton method. His wants, wishes, Will

I want to tell you I’ll spend most of it on him. If I paid it before, it wouldn’t be on frames, candles, a headstone. I’ve looked at things I can put his face on. My own “Scarlet Letter.” No, I shouldn’t say that about Braxton, but I want to get a tattoo with the ashes. Inspector Echo, does that creep you out? I’ll take that over living the life of a selfish man. Make no mistake Inspector Echo, I still am as I look for distractions. Hell, aren’t I a good American wanting to spend the Benjamins as soon as possible? Tossing cookies already? Worse yet is How To Save A Life. Mine or some furry soul… after seven weeks? B III Of Numbers.

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 265 ~Hair of the Braxton~

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I was never much of a drinker. No, I wasn’t one of the “Cool Kids.” It wasn’t that I was trying to be good. But for whoever I share my life with, I want to be. For fifteen years, eleven months, that was Braxton. Without that love? Hair of the Braxton

Tuesday, March 23, 2021

Gospel 265 ~Hair of the Braxton~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but not even that is enough to bring Braxton back to me. Well, there’s Braxton fur…

You know I don’t drink My Love and alcohol won’t help anything. I did say I don’t indulge, but you can ask my second BFF and one glass of wine. Yet, at this rate, saying I was drinking in excess might be better than drowning myself in tears “One More Night.” Yeah, what’s one more sad song? It wouldn’t matter if I was working the ole Day Job or my dream job. “Every Day Is Exactly The Same.” What an insult that is to my boy? My apathy is what led to his death because he was always there. I was whatever, but B? Baby girl, I focused on things that didn’t matter. So Braxton, who I love, paid for my ennui with his life.

Now I’m doing it again. Yes, I see that now, and the thing is, I don’t give a damn. Braxton’s Life Matters, and if I had treated him as such before, he might still be here. Only no, he has the food in his bowl, he has his water, so he cries for one night; by morning, B’s just fine. I’ve been losing myself to the madness of this world. I lost my boy, my firstborn. Now it’s the background noise. Do you know what caught my ear in that ruckus? Is Hank a Good Father? Hank Hill from King of the Hill, so I demanded an answer from myself. “What Makes A Good Man?” How about your husband and the daddy of our kids?

The best lover and friend, the best daddy I can, as Will Smith put it. Without a doubt, I don’t want to be my father. How dare I right with everything? I don’t want our kids to hate me. If a child wakes up believing the whole world is against him and his father too? That’s something good I’ll remember about Braxton’s eyes. In his final hours, suffering, and dying he saw me, and I could hear him saying. “Daddy, can we go home. Daddy, I want to stay with you.” I look at you and my family now, and you don’t feel that way?

Drunk on you, on love, for now, I’m sober. I need love; I know that. Some Hair of the Braxton

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will


Gospel 264 ~Find Anything That Beats Temptation~

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Once I would say I’m Tony Montana in regards to what I wanted. “The world, chico, and everything in it.” At least Tyrion Lannister. Nothing tempts me now, but those few moments I forget, Braxton is Gone. I indulge. Find Anything That Beats Temptation

Monday, March 22, 2021

Gospel 264 ~Find Anything That Beats Temptation~

Hundred And Eightieth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so I shouldn’t want for anything. I want my best friend back.

Tell me, how can there be any temptation for something I can never have again? If anything, it’s madness. It’s, as the song goes, The Land of Make-Believe. Even if it lasts only a minute or five. My, Madam Justice, I did find a use for that “the world will end in five” idea, yep. Okay, so I can never again see Braxton in this life ever. There are ways to give in or up. I could let insanity overtake me, which would be poetic justice. When my grandma died, I stopped eating. I wasn’t mourning. I wanted to skip grandma’s funeral, called anxiety. So with Braxton, the second way to cave is to go with my depression, fuck the Day Job. Talk about tempting.

The thing is, much like National Suicide Prevention Lifeline… really, yeah fuck you guys. How about my “father,” who kicked me out on my behind. Thus taking me away from Braxton for two and a half months. The overall record for being apart from B. Madam Justice, what I’m trying to say is, no one would care. Well, except for the Day Job. Didn’t I talk about them calling me up about missing a shift that wasn’t on my schedule? There is no temptation for death or depression; neither brings B III back here, right? Honest to God, I’m trying to avoid Hell, well, another one. Don’t I keep saying this is Hell, being without my son? To think B III was tempted to stay.

He loves me, as someone once sang What’s Love Got To Do With It. You could tell me I could have someone in my life right now, and I would pass. That’s what hurts the most, Madam Justice, and could be a reason why I find myself like this. Not going away, is it?
No human knows everything about me, and even if they did, they would never accept it. Again I kept secrets from my son because he was just that, my son, I am his father. When you have that love Madam Justice, when you know, You Were Loved what else is there? So finding something that stops the yearning for my Braxton…

Temptations, but B III’s watching. Hope he still loves me. Find Anything That Beats Temptation

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 263 ~To Be Mean Time-Travel~

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How have I made it through seven weeks? The last time I was so busy,… well what happened. If I just went ahead and published a damn book. I know what I want to write about, but I’ve yet to turn in “GULP” two years ago. To Be Mean Time-Travel hmm

Sunday, March 21, 2021

Gospel 263 ~To Be Mean Time-Travel~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, and you are not. You know what your motivations say. Well, not anymore, considering your recent playlist.

You should do what has become the seven-week usual. Not meaning to be political at um 5:30 in the morning but say his name. All you need is to think back on that day, and the rest of this week should be… Hell, at least zombies don’t have worries, responsibilities. You know I tried to make it easy on you with all my time-travel. The last thing you need is what the Day Job will do to you and then a three-hour conversation. I swear that is too much time, and you know it. Especially when no one is listening. And the one who did… You don’t care to go forward and “If I Could Turn Back The Hands Of Time,” doing Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, “Succubus Lord 10” Eric Vall
    Completed
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, Braxton’s Albums
    Failed
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 079 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 086) No Fap
  5. I Am Cleaning Out The Refrigerator (Braxton’s Last Meal)
    Failed
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

There’s still time. One of many tools that I employed, and you see where that got me and B III.

Of all the places I think he might be, how about this for your consideration. Somewhere in another universe, there is another you and him who received a miracle. He lived. Haven’t I talked about the whole world ending in five minutes? I believe I said I don’t do that anymore. However, one of these days, you or somebody will be correct, and with Braxton gone. Well, you are seven-days into an apocalypse, walking the wasteland. Would it be better if you were frozen in place, and what about the fastest way to meet your son again. Dangerous talk, isn’t it but still, there’s much to do, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, “Succubus Lord 11” Eric Vall
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, Braxton’s Albums
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 086 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I Am Cleaning Out The Refrigerator (Braxton’s Last Meal)
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am

To add even more to your plate, Camp NaNoWriMo. Besides all your Braxton memorials and the wasted clothes for the Day Job. You might try looking like a writer. Even better would be actually writing. Do you work on dusty obligations or the newest beginnings? Now that one subject has been put to bed, I know what you want to write about… B III or AHEM Bastian Barks Bennett. Isn’t it ironic that B III’s character survived fiction, but I signed his life away in reality? “You Always Hurt The One You Love,” as the song goes. Or if she happens to be pretty… Writing is your time machine—no more pretty girls… but you and Braxton. Decide where to go. To Be Mean Time-Travel

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 262 ~B Moaning Next Week~

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So what’s our goal? One of my resolutions was to see Braxton through the year… I write six things down every week, and have I ever had a clean sweep. I woke up this morning, and that was a fight. Yet next week… B Moaning Next Week

Saturday, March 20, 2021

Gospel 262 ~B Moaning Next Week~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now and still feel like I’m going to toss my cookies any second now. One more excuse

Indeed, no day can be worse for me than January 31, 2021. I have no right to complain, but next week is going to be bad. Why should I blame Braxton for that with all the horrors going on in the world today? People can be sick in more ways than one dear Lady Luna. B III had two good ears and was used to me going off on some political tangent. At least I pretended I was talking to him. Speaking out loud to a ball of fur makes you endearing. When he’s not here, it makes you crazy. Do I really need to go over my routines again? At least Braxton doesn’t have to endure it any longer. He’d hate the coming week.

To me, as the song goes, “Every Day Is Exactly The Same.” Braxton was waiting from his first day to his last, but he always had something to look forward to. It could be as simple as me getting home. Lady Luna, it’s what we want, and I took for granted, LOVE. Now I could be wrong. At least over the past week. It hasn’t been for love; I’ve been getting out of bed or getting back in. Hell, I’m taking a page from B III; the sooner we get this done, the sooner we can sleep. Everything between my bed and back is mostly filler. However, last night I had a dream or a nightmare. I saw Braxton’s treats destroyed by my mom, strewn out all over the table.

That’s not much of a dream, but I’m not living much of a life either. Next week there will be changes at the Day Job. I have more money to spend, the $1,400 stimulus. Today, might I even clean out the refrigerator with Braxton’s food… or finally, start cleaning bedding? I said before, all the responsibilities would come catching up to me. Again political rhetoric, cancel culture, like my Russian contact… I wanted Westworld. I’m not watching WWE that much, more background noise. Camp NaNoWriMo is about to start soon. Dammit, another first without Braxton here. Last week of normality. But what is normal? It’s me complaining as Braxton waits for me to be happy. I hope he is happy. I’m B Moaning Next Week

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 260 ~B For The WIND~

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What’s wrong with a garden in Tennessee? What about back in the old neighborhood. Why not at my Olds house or in the backyard here, where he would play. I’ve thought they could put ashes in a tattoo. I didn’t let a “tornado” get my B. B For The Wind.

Thursday, March 18, 2021

Gospel 260 ~B For The WIND~

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I still don’t know about me, but it wasn’t “Another Day.” I’m not thinking that.

When will it be something more… I don’t know; a day when I’ll actually mind dying. I swear that I would have kept sitting there working if it wasn’t for you, Braxton, yesterday. Yet, I could have been looking for an excuse to stop. You were good for that, a distraction. When I woke up this morning, hell on many a morning like this, I would tell myself, you were sleeping. I have an off day. I’ll let you decide when you want to get up for a walk. Of course, I never rested on those morals when it was something I wanted, did I?

When you were in danger though… brother to brother, yours in life and death, my “First Knight,” well you saw.

Windy day huh? An understatement for a tornado, but I didn’t see anything; I’m fine. You are always so worried for me, B III. I got up, thinking if the town blew away, “Where’d You Go?” I can’t have you leaving me again Braxton, I’m not doing that great lately. Windy days for you too, I suppose. I imagine what Heaven, The Rainbow Bridge, wherever is like. Not a day passes by that I don’t see myself standing with the vets. They told me about you blowing through a garden in Tennessee with your brethren.

No, I needed you home with me B. Wind, be it a tornado, hurricane, air conditioning… my wayward writing geez.

You don’t know how bad I want to touch your fur, but I need that reminder, if but a piece.

Win B III, you won. As the storm came, I grabbed three things. The one that showed I gave a damn about my life now was you. I actually moved “you” from the nightstand. As of all things on Earth, I could take with me. I wanted you by my side, B always and forever. Winning also was, God knows, how many bytes with my laptop and the bucks in my wallet. I got my stimulus check, and if we were together, I would spoil you rotten. Oh, like how I spent the last stimulus? I’m not angry with you, Braxton. It’s only the memories. Damn the windfall, if I could be with you again. Winning isn’t something I’m doing. It’s B For The WIND.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad