Tag: Honesty

Lesson 207 ~How To Cure Cancer~

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It’s not a secret, but apparently, it is a sin, I’m sure many people out there like or even love their jobs, and as for the rest of us, that’s what a man does, sometimes it means working, sometimes it means lies. How To Cure Cancer, do we, DO WE

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Lesson 207 ~How To Cure Cancer~

“He’s poison for the morale of the unit, and a disaster to the success of this mission.”
― Hot Shots

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore because I saw this coming and I find it funny that I’ve said that if I were to die and come back, I’d like to be a plague so maybe this isn’t my first time at the rodeo. Not my first time being yelled at, being worried about my job amongst other things, my first time staring into the abyss but “you’re cancerous to this team, points for creativity; where to start?

“May my mercy prevail over my wrath” The Walking Dead

I have allowed hatred and wrath to infect me once again; people talk about forgiveness being a cure but time works too and how much of that do I have left? It only took two hours, so I was at the day job, and the general manager was praising the team for a job well done and in appreciation offered to ask the group to lunch. Two hours later as I’m working, he comes over and as is “Cracker Barrel okay” to which I respond “it doesn’t matter, I’m not going,” no means no, right?

So he gives me this look and says “why not, you have something to do” and following one of the weekly goals I say “I’ll find something” talk about being a man for once in my life and people don’t like that not one bit. He went off on me, and I let him, my spine breaking… or maybe not, I still walked out and didn’t go, I have informed HR, and now several people know that a war is coming, talk about “It’s The Good Heat.” So am I apologizing for actually speaking up for myself, my lack of courage at that particular moment or to you for exorcising my demons confessing like this?

The stress is killing me, or so I hope which is yet another one of my sins and my embarrassment, sometimes dare I suggest it men are the weaker of the species, I’m hurting, and I made a mistake of going to WebMD. Appendicitis, hell any real medical emergency and game over for me but other than my usual sleeping and vomiting words I’m okay.

Perhaps this is the sin I must apologize for the most, thinking that this life is okay but how will I know absolution, that’s not something you can give me and not something I will ask for from the man I despise. One more sin before I go, I told Indiana Gone I think I know in the smallest way how some victims of sexual violence feel. The fear of telling, thinking as though you have no choice, just instead of spreading my legs/butt cheeks, this guy wanted me to let him into my mind and that I will not do.

So I’m sorry but I will not die today and though there are many theories to my question, Inspector Echo I’m sorry but I’m Radioactive, and I’m sorry that this virus of fear and hate needs an answer before wondering How To Cure Cancer.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 206 ~Husband, Then Again Yes~

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What the man wants and what the house needs, a softer bed and 800 thread count sheets or a new water heater, the PS4 or shrimp in movies for the girl, putting myself together or getting my house in order? “Husband, Then Again Yes”

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Lesson 206 ~Husband, Then Again Yes~

Dear Future Wife,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore because I knew better and if I have learned anything from most television shows; repairers, plumbers, electricians, and others can fix the house. As for myself, I can cook breakfast, I can replace a few batteries, I can even build a coffee table over the span of two days, but the two things I’m not fixing is my dog and your heart because I love you both, plus no instruction manual included.

They say that you must build a Heaven for an angel and if I were a religious man or an NSYNC fan, “(God Must Have Spent) A Little More Time on You” how about Backstreet Boys, talk about playlists I’ve meant to fix. Anyway angels I think are sorely needed on Earth, and so we find ourselves here, and if I can’t build you a home, I can at least let you decorate the one we will discover together. I expect Heaven can be quite expensive, that’s why I try my hands at other things, but I do hope you like dog hair so that you know, my furry kid.

Speaking of children well the possible two-legged ones, I can’t install a water heater, but I can pay for one, I like my internet too, and while I’m not sure where I’ll stand on Santa, if he shows up he will have a roof to land on without a doubt. I must sound like I’m defending my cave but anywhere I have you by my side is considered home and hey I just live here, love here, grow old with you right here or wherever there are excellent schools, and a beach or a beautiful yard, and it’s devilishly warm.

A heart is a house for love, and it don’t take much to find a player to fill our home with music, and a man must have his games, and his study, notice I said “study” and not a man cave, the dog must also have his space. I know it sounds like a lot has to be fixed up, and maybe I’m more put together myself just being here with you; if I didn’t make it clear before, I’ll never break your heart because what kind of man would I be… with better music.

No, I’m not handy compared to others and as much as I wish I could be every man, Superman, to be your lover, your best friend, Husband… Then Again Yes.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 205 ~I Am A Man Remember~

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Go ahead and tell everybody, I don’t know, but for once I’m not focused on the who but more on the what and usually that’s not anything I care to repeat but being a man these days. “I Am A Man Remember,” or I’ll see in the shower.

Monday, January 22, 2018

Lesson 205 ~I Am A Man Remember~

Sixteenth Rule Madam Justice,

“What makes a monster and what makes a man?” ― Clopin, The Bells of Notre Dame (Reprise), from Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996)

I Am Not Afraid Anymore to say to any further extent that I honestly don’t know, that’s why you’ll see variations of this rule throughout because I am trying to figure it out. Now let me say this, in a moment I will be a hypocrite, I don’t believe neither God nor woman can teach one how to be a man, it’s just not possible.

“Don’t do that. Don’t make the mistake of calling what’s inside me worry. Good men worry. Men like me take care of the problem.” ― Kit Rocha, Beyond Temptation #3.5

See I told you, that’s from a woman, and I have read more erotic literature than most and I ask myself is this what women want, but that’s sort of like being in rehab if you do it for someone else it doesn’t take. Now what about God, Jesus was made flesh correct and yet by today’s standards, traveled with twelve guys, didn’t drink, and of course, he never knew women, and somehow he was the greatest thing ever. As for myself well; I admire 60% of the men I read about, I don’t drink, I hang with a couple of girls, and I have been called some of the most horrible things but what is worse than being a man, being a woman… low.

“A woman is strength.
Not just the giver of life
and all that, but more.
Men don’t even know who they are
until they find the right woman.
Or, for that matter,
if they even want a woman.
But whatever he chooses,
it starts with us.” ― The Brothers (2001)

If a woman is a woman when she gains the ability to give life, is it the same for a man, I do have illusions of being a father one day, and I am to the four-legged ball of instant love. I can go on forever and a day about what I think a man is, but there is too much emphasis on what a man is supposed to be and speaking of my dog, I have said I want to be the man my dog thinks I am. Why not apply, if I had a daughter and she dated maybe a guy like me would I be pleased… ask Indiana Gone, I cook, I clean, I don’t lie, I don’t screw other women, how I want to but she’s not mine, so there’s that.

“Only a fool refuses a woman who offers herself.” ― Miroku’s Past Mistake, Inuyasha, 161

Here’s the question, do I want to be a man pleasing to God, women, my dog, my parents whoever; I have a job, a car, I protect what’s mine, I don’t do drugs, I want to write. I love most animals; I kill spiders, roaches, other creepy crawlers, I read, etc. None of that matters though to any and all, I might even have biology on my side, and just like any math class I just copy the problem over an over *sigh* I might not be great, worthy, right, or just, so be afraid, I Am A Man Remember.

“Mercy is the mark of a great man.

Guess I’m just a good man.

Well, I’m all right.” Shindig, Firefly

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 200 ~Comments Trump, Weinstein, Will~

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Do you know anyone that starts the day with, “Let’s Get Ready For Sinning” trust me I don’t though I have to confess? As per usual that by the end of the day I’ll break a few laws, ruffle some feathers, sometimes? Comments Trump, Weinstein, Will

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Lesson 200 ~Comments Trump, Weinstein, Will~

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, how can I be, when I can’t decide whether or not I’m the monster, I pray the police don’t come knocking on my door, or hell, the monster might not find me worthy of getting? Perhaps Inspector Echo, I should just skip to the same old sin on a different day because as a new rule there’s, Difference Between Sense And Censor.

So last night I’m hanging in “NanoLand” on Facebook and as usual someone post some wicked story ideas one being the “Locket of Lust,” and they ask the group what would you prefer so yeah I’m always one for lust. Now my comment “Hollywood and Adult Video” only I didn’t say adult video but this is sort of the difference between Trump saying Sh*thole and Sh*thouse, and yeah I’m censoring myself on purpose. “Wow ew. That’s gross. You’re gross,” and in classic Will fashion, I delete my comment, and go through a few agonizing hours of maybe I should just shut up; I’m more ashamed to say I envy Trump because he seems to have no shame whatsoever with all his tweets or comments publicly.

You know what I won’t apologize for, being a writer, wanting to start my own company “Second Circle Creations,” or reading all the dark erotica I can and if that makes me a monster, skeevy, and gross, then so be it. I have plenty of sins that I should find myself arrested for no doubt, from talking blue in the face to blue balls because I am often humiliated and ashamed, but I spent my life living in some make-believe land of love… people change. You know why I don’t fear the critics destroying me because just like last night I will set every word I have to flame and never write again because someone disagrees, disapproves, disallows, and plays judge, jury, and executioner only to find I no longer exist, why I avoid mirrors.

How about the fact that sometimes I comfort myself that I’ve never become anything like Weinstein. I have too much Social Anxiety to speak out loud like Trump, but worse yet, I still feel the need to confess, to explain, how my father would say “you haven’t heard the latest’ and there goes the money shot. Inspector Echo I ask your forgiveness, for yet another stupid comment, for being gross, skeeve, perverted, depraved, and everything else, for having no sense and wanting to censor, for having no courage, for not shutting up, for having fetishes.

I apologize for giving up on one dream for another I would burn to the ground, and also for thinking the worst of others, for my confessions, and explanations and this life of mine, I’m sure there will always be more Comments Trump, Weinstein, Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 199 ~I Learned To Remote~

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My DVR is full of things I meant to watch or like any library, full of stories I have yet to see and still, I only gather more, not wanting to let one go because god help me if I watch the news today at some point or find love… “I Learned To Remote.”

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Lesson 199 ~I Learned To Remote~

Dear Future Wife,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore because I’m sure you already know by now you married one big nerd if May 4th doesn’t tip you off every year; of the days I have to remember your birthday, our anniversary, and days that call for chocolate. The DVR will handle the rest because I would prefer to take you out to the movies, the world could use another hero, despite what Tina Turner sang.

Another excellent use for the TV besides us laughing at whatever YouTube has to say, or just the background noise, and the news predicting the end of the world. I suppose whatever we watch you’ll find your way into my arms, someway my love, with a horror flick, in watching a movie based on the book, and hopefully not with you falling asleep… we start the series; we’ll finish it. Is Paw Patrol still a thing, lucky that we found each other because we can take turns watching it with the kids and then be adults crying over fake tigers, and our favorite characters on The Walking Dead, you think?

I must admit to this particular and rare occurrence that happens twice every four years when I become a typical guy and root, root, root for the home team during the Olympics, good thing I found myself a “Cheerleader.” Again with the music player, laugh track, a reason to cuddle up next to you; did I mention that I’m an avid gamer, well whenever my next book hits and I have some downtime. So you ask me what will it take for me to put the remote down period or even to hand it over to you, well did I marry a fangirl or what?

Enough gushing over me and my usual LSV television preferences, you only watch once, unless you’re hopelessly devoted and that might explain why I can’t take my eyes off of you. Was that as cheesy as any love story, does that mean we still have to watch another one, I might stop to ask about the woman I married but seeing as how we’re trying not to use television as some technology adept makeshift babysitter…

Maybe we should watch more TV but I promised you forever and always, and one day I’ll brag to the grandkids with so much new technology, I Learned To Remote.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 198 ~I Take My Own Lumps~

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Pain has plenty of points, something wrong; you’re still alive, you’re stronger because you’re not letting it kill you, the same can be true of a scar, too bad no one can see my scars on the inside, I’d be one badass man I Take My Own Lumps

Monday, January 15, 2018

Lesson 198 ~I Take My Own Lumps~

Fifteenth Rule Madam Justice,

“I’m not a smart man… but I know what love is.” ― Forrest Gump (1994)

I Am Not Afraid Anymore; perhaps the truth is my forte *snickers* I feel sort of like Sota from “Sota’s Brave Confession of Love” I am not brawny, reliable, or able to say things outright, but… I take my own lumps. Madam Justice I endure the pain I deserve, the pain I don’t, I pay the price for myself and others, and I feel that is just what a man does, what would I know.

He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined
When you were young ― When You Were Young

There’s no doubt in my mind that I ain’t Jesus, nowhere near Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, my greatness is definitely in question, but I don’t ask anyone to fight for me or to sacrifice if I am the cross you have to carry then put me down. I was ready to die when I was a child if I wasn’t the person my family wanted then why keep me… love, expectations, investment? Even now much to my shame I’m still not self-sufficient, if I lost everything well, there is a reason I have what I call my Alamo Fund. A way to meet my end with dignity, a five-star hotel, hookers, my favorite foods, and some kick-ass drugs or as the song goes perhaps Happiness Is A Warm Gun.

I’m just an average man, with an average life
I work from nine to five; hey hell, I pay the price
All I want is to be left alone in my average home
But why do I always feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone ― Somebody’s Watching Me
Rockwell

As much as I loathe humanity and I long for the day the dead walk the Earth or maybe Trump will legalize the annual Purge it’s always been about hurting myself rather than anybody. You know it’s stupid I came up with this rule years ago when I wrecked my car against a tree, then drove to work with screwed brakes, and afterward drove to an auto shop, all because I didn’t want to inconvenience, my “father” or my job. Do you want a confession better suited for Echo or Diana; what makes me an incredible sadist is the fact that I’m a fantastic masochist, maybe I get off on my pain and thus when I enjoy the occasion I choose to share it honestly.

I heard on a TV show once; we cannot learn without pain or what about the saying what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger… or better start running. Trust me I don’t yearn for adversity, trial, and tribulation, the slings, and arrows but like I told my mother a few days ago as old as I am, I’m growing up, and I’m not that bad, I Take My Own Lumps.

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” ― Martin Luther King, Jr. 1929 – 1968

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 193 ~I Need A Raise~

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Well at least I never considered myself a cave woman, though I may speak like a caveman at least I’m making noise but how did they scare the beasts back then, I’ll tell you with such thunderous voices. “I Need A Raise,” money, and guns say more.

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Lesson 193 ~I Need A Raise~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear, I mean by the time I get to the car and the music is blasting out so I can’t hear myself in my head when I’m sure that they have forgotten about me when my courage returns that I often mistake for some great insanity.

I need to raise my voice Inspector Echo, and no I don’t mean in a mean way, as the song goes “I think I use to have a voice, and now I barely make a sound,” I know what I sound like singing… yikes but just everyday speaking. Now it’s funny that I say that when there are plenty of devices to help with projection and still I damn near have a panic attack every time I have to page someone at work or speak on the radio. I keep saying I want the world to hear me and then I have nothing to say, I’m stupid, or a clown.

To most people, I damn sure ain’t a man when it comes to talking in the drive-thru or on the phone, and I don’t bother to correct them at all. “Act like a bitch, get slapped like a bitch,” as one of the hottest actresses on the planet said, and I know surely enough I whine like a bitch. It could be that I’m ashamed of who I am, have I forgotten what it means to speak like a man, did I ever know in the first place Inspector Echo.

“Fathers are supposed to show sons how to be a man in the world, but I guess the world is too much for you.” ― Grotesque, Fear The Walking Dead

My father gave into aggression, to the dark side, and every day I find myself giving into that, it’s when I feel such surging rage that my courage is at its highest or is it passion? That would be my greatest sin, and I could go on and on for days, but I’m also mad at the fact that I have to keep myself penned in all the time because I feel like I might hurt someone, you know more than most that my words will someday lead to new actions. Perhaps I feign cowardice to keep the monster inside me pacified to a degree.

I ask your forgiveness Inspector Echo for my quietus when it comes to my speaking, stupidity, identity, weakness, and all my madness; I still have a voice that one day *sigh* money is power, it speaks, I Need A Raise.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 192 ~Not The Invisible Man~

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I said once that if I could have any superpower I would like to be invisible, doesn’t honestly help with the ladies and no not for the reasons you might think but then again knowing me. “Not The Invisible Man.”

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

Lesson 192 ~Not The Invisible Man~

Dear Future Wife,
No Fear, I am here, I am still right here, and you are one of few people that might be comfortable with that sentiment being honest though I wonder where you are. When we’re apart, while you’re dreaming right here next to me when you look at me what do you see?

Maybe I’m too touchy-feely as they say, both emotionally and physically, an exact opposite of Rogue from the X-Men or as the song goes, more than words. I’ve always said, if you’re not my dog, my girl, or applying for the job don’t touch me, don’t stand so close to me and then here he is and here you are. Maybe I’m afraid that, invisibility had become my superpower and it was the power I chose, so much so that I felt you might never find me and when I noticed you, was I creepy?

So it’s in the moments that I don’t have to wonder, while I’m lying here dreaming, and then I feel your touch, and I know that I don’t have to dream alone anymore. The first time we kissed and then the kiss after that and the one after that, no words, no sight, only the touch, the taste, and I behold the most beautiful thing ever. When I feel your arms wrap around me from behind and I know I’m alive, I’m a man with the most beautiful girl, I’m yours, now and always love.

Back to back, side by side, how do you do it, I feel everyone’s eyes on me, but when you don’t look at me at all, I become the most real, the most like myself, and I’m still trying to figure that out. I’m not the invisible man but what power must I have, whatever do you see in me every day and I know I must ask you all the time, I want to, I need to, and when I don’t you just understand.

You take my hand in yours; you lie beside me, you treat as though I’m air, more than this like you rather drown in me and I know I can’t take my eyes off you, or my hands but I try because with you I see myself. I know I want to be that man worthy of you every time I look into the mirror when I look into your eyes, so what’s my power if Not The Invisible Man.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 191 ~I Will Go The Distance~

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I wish I could find the starting line once again but shouldn’t I be looking for the finish line, or maybe there is just so much more race to run, don’t know where I’m going, neither do I most days. I Will Go The Distance

Monday, January 8, 2018

Lesson 191 ~I Will Go The Distance~

Fourteenth Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear, I’m on my way, at least that’s what my dream seemed to allude to and yes I do believe in visions which is why I found this one so scary. You know I’m not usually awakened from such a desperate necessity, so when I am, it often means something, though I haven’t been fired from the day job.

Hell, even the general manager told me if I’m not happy I should leave and I nearly broke out with that “I got nowhere else to go! I got nowhere else to g… I got nothin’ else.’ Only I’m no officer, and I’m not a gentleman, not when the right girl… okay, a girl I want comes along. There are days I always feel like I’m running you know and there isn’t some light at the end of the tunnel just a brief respite here and there. I suppose the good news is I’m always moving because if you’re not you’re dead but I’m not getting anywhere; another regret, I should have told Indiana Gone, I didn’t get anywhere today despite what my car says.

Now, of course, the first step is always the hardest but next, even if you can’t see it, you have to know there is something out there and Madam Justice I honestly do. The thing is I’m always resting and if I’m moving, well in my dream I slept the whole way, I lost some key I was given, and then my luggage was lost, so much so I spent time this morning just looking through all my travel bags. Is that what my dream was trying to tell me, that I have to get out and I have always been one of those who would instead leap than just step, and cue the Xbox One Jump ahead commercial right?

Every morning I step, but this place must be like a maze and not trying to get all racial because how much do I know but, the black man must fly to hat the white man can walk to, that’s from Chris Rock. So we see comedy is not my thing from a long time ago but writing, just like any of my stories I find where I want to go. As my mother said I would find my way and as the music swells, may I be as strong as Hercules, may I have that kind of heart and I Will Go The Distance?

“For a true hero isn’t measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart.” ―Hercules

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 186 ~Something To Believe In~

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Have faith, but I left the church so long ago, once Santa was gone well Jesus and I lost touch and speaking of touching why don’t I have so many female friends, and don’t get me started on love. “Something To Believe In”

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Lesson 186 ~Something To Believe In~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear if you don’t, as much as I would like some quick forgiveness and this is not explicitly the idea of being unworthy; to this day my parents will never forgive me for being born. Such a way to start off the new year right; I want to know absolution for the things I have believed in and the things I’m going to, my great sin.

Is it innocence or stupidity that I believed in Santa until I was nine years old, then I made the mistake of stealing that wonder from my sister. What about believing in God, Inspector Echo, I COULD be going to Hell for plenty, but this is the least of my concerns. Personally, I always considered myself second tier in Hell, that would be lust hopefully. What about faith, hope, and love, we also mustn’t forget about power but do I still believe in a thing called love… I’m afraid so.

I’m also afraid of turning out like Harvey Weinstein, I believe I grow tentacles when it comes to particular women, and I foolishly presume they want me, but maybe that’s a conversation for “Dirty Diana.” I speculated that when I was playing a gentleman, a note here, a comment there, I was making my best impression of a skeeve pervert, but we’ll talk about things I can’t let go of next week maybe. How about the time I proposed to Jessica Rey, (Power Rangers Wild Force)… how old was I, and perhaps it doesn’t help that I bought Mia Rose stuff, or tried to because I thought I could get a pornstar to like me?

It’s called being a man or a fool, and as the song goes, what a fool believes and again we go back to love, I hope that there is some girl out there for me. How about the fact that I contend that I can be a leader of men someday. Apparently, you didn’t see me at work today, is it wrong that I hope two of those guys get fired, not that I’ll let the shame go anytime soon.

What about the hope that somehow or another something will happen tomorrow and that I won’t have blue balls. Forgive me Inspector Echo; I apologize for having faith in myself about anything at all, that I have faith in me, whether I find forgiveness or not, mad or false hope there’s Something To Believe In.

I Will Have No Fear