Tag: Madness

Lesson 140 ~Glass of Instant Smile~

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Have you ever seen anything so sloppy and I only wish I could say I was on something which would just be something else to add to my long list of problems I have been having today but why didn’t I give up, at least not yet? “Glass of Instant Smile”.

Saturday, November 18, 2017

Lesson 140 ~Glass of Instant Smile~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, no to everything else too, but instead of saying that you know what you do, put on a smile and even then people ask why are you so happy. Sometimes there just isn’t an answer, it’s like asking which plague is next and didn’t they get worse with each question, which each demand that comes.

So what’s wrong, Black Friday is up this coming week and I’m not ready; at least with The Purge I could defend myself but this is madness. Speaking of madness, what was I thinking to spend all that money on absolutely nothing, my glass of instant smile I figure but what has a smile ever gotten me and aren’t I sure I have asked that question before. NaNoWriMo is coming to a close soon and how much writing has there been, how much have I done today to help out with the ever-growing total required.

How about the fact that I can’t control my own body, I want to say stress or maybe I’m just a pervert, which of course never really bothers me until I get that “release”. On top of that, it would explain my depression today, after I wasted several hours doing nothing and then I fell asleep, didn’t even to take my 5-hour Energy today because I got so much sleep. Oh how about the fact that I lost the placebo effect because I drank some Powerade and then went to sleep, I really need to look up what that’s supposed to do if anything honestly.

Now, these all might sound like “First-World Problems” to practically nothing at all, makes you question why am I complaining to you at all right Lady Lu? What would “Indiana Gone” think of me, speaking of which she will be leaving February 24th so who else will I be watching movies with besides the dog?

Do I a Wambulance, if anything I need a life, but for some reason, I just can’t be like everyone else, and trust me I’m fighting, I’m trying, I’m pushing but for once there is neither fear nor hope. So what have I learned, as is “The Last of Us” endure and survive, grin and bear it, and maybe I should really consider drinking, Starbucks, more energy shot or maybe a Glass of Instant Smile?

I Will Have No Fear

Natural Born Sick Fux II

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All the best people are going to read this book, would I like to meet any of them other than the author, uh yeah that thought sort of terrifies me but this book turns me on. Natural Born Sick Fux II, not a sequel but look out “Natural Born Killers”.

“Have I gone mad?”

“I’m afraid so. You’re entirely bonkers. But I’ll tell you a secret. All the best people are.” Alice in Wonderland (2010)

I never got the fairy tales read to me in bed or if I did the bad outweighs the good and I just can’t remember, honestly I don’t even think I want to. This book though “Sick Fux” by Tillie Cole is something I will never forget, it haunts me.

Now this isn’t a squeal to anything but take “Natural Born Killers” plus “Alice In Wonderland” and seriously you have a worthy successor to either, though I wouldn’t let your kids see the latter and then move on to this. I’ve seen porn that has been cleaner honestly but the fact that I keep seeing this, picturing it, maybe I’m no different from Heathen and Ellis, oh and do I hear sirens? How about the author, the first book I have ever read from her and I can’t help but wonder what brought this on, I’d buy her a cup of tea, Earl Grey, for god sake’s Earl Grey nothing else will ever do, wow.

Five stars easy but how can I glow so much over this book as sick and as twisted as it is, I don’t mind tweeting quotes but there were so many I have to keep to myself here. It’s dark, terribly dark and when you do see the light, it’s the fires of Hell, not brimstone but gunfire, and however, do you wipe away the stains of blood? Okay to make a long story short, again refer to “Natural Born Killers” and give them a righteous cause and no “fux” to give except for each other Heathen and Ellis becoming Rabbit and Dolly, nothing more.

I don’t know if I’m more jealous of the talent or the fact I’m still looking for my Dolly, another comparison could be Bonnie and Clyde but this book, I’ve never read anything like it. Goes without saying I’ll be buying a copy for my actual shelf and I’ve already been talking it up to a good friend as well.

“The three always turned me on: blood, and death, and Dolly. And better yet . . . Killer Dolly”
― Tillie Cole, Sick Fux (2017)

Maybe the fact that this book turned me on so much should probably be a bad sign, things a girl could do to get me, my dog likes her, sing to me, or be anything like Dolly in this book, allowing me to be Rabbit.

Heathen James/White Rabbit, we both wear black, I’ve got at least five clocks, we both imagine a lot of people dead, both been dominated by men (not like that for me thank god), and both filled with darkness. I should also mention there is a bit BDSM master in him; should I call him a hero, given what he did for Dolly, sure and I actually believe everybody he kills people wise had it coming. They say that hate is taught and with Rabbit, the man became a Ph.D. but the question becomes could he have done better by Dolly.

To me personally once you get past their childhoods then the blood and the death doesn’t seem to be enough, trust me just let them grow up and you’ll be cheering this Wonderland duo. What about the sex though… well how sick are you, there are plenty of scenes from evil, to rough, to sensual?

Do I even have to say it… I have fallen in love Ellis Earnshaw/Dolly give me a girl like her and I’m good and no I don’t mean like one of her uncles. Honestly, Rabbit did the best he could because there is no way therapy could fix her, and I’m sure there are advocates that would say otherwise but those same people scream for punishments of the perpetrators and with what was done to Dolly… Even she acknowledged a part of herself being born and dying and there was no other choice, just saying.

As far as other characters, besides hating Rabbit’s parents and Dolly’s father, the only other character that concerned me was The Mad Hatter who plays everyday man you saw this now tell me that Rabbit and Dolly are so wrong.

This book has my five stars and even more of my money and should have yours too but if you don’t want any spoilers you should stop here. Maybe I should start saving the best for last but was there anything wrong with this title, that five stars can’t fix.

I can’t pick my favorite sex scene, but the mutual masturbation scene when they watched each other and spoke the epitaphs that they once heard, I’ve never met a girl that would let me talk like that. How about the deaths, so much death and I found myself hoping that Chapel or Henry/Hyde was sort of a Jigsaw figurehead which they sort of were for Rabbit. Now here’s something quite new, so I’m at work listening to Spotify and I looked up the “Sick Fux”, and “Dolly’s Mixtape” playlists… go download these now, incredible, spectacular.

Now Rabbit I think was pretty lucky to meet Chapel and Henry/Hyde despite the circumstances, two killers and protection so he could learn how to take revenge and help his Dolly, just seems convenient. I also didn’t like Dolly’s continued ignorance, not her fault but after everything how about learning to read, from a psychological standpoint she’s genius and living in Wonderland is good but reading I think might have been another tool for Rabbit to control her. Also, the simplest answer is usually correct but I guess I was expecting more near the end not that it isn’t surprising.

Surprise that I love this book, that I love Dolly, that I feel like I know Rabbit, that I’ll have to look into more playlists in the future and maybe keep my eye on Tillie Cole’s works. What else is there to say, Natural Born Killers, Alice In Wonderland, Sucker Punch, in a blender and you get a masterpiece that is Sick Fux, but you’ll never look at Alice the same again, I guarantee that.

Lesson 119 ~Everything, Everything, But Tomorrow~

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A day of sitting on my ass and not in a good way: I wish tomorrow would never come even if it means I would feel this way for, god knows how long, I know work will be so much worse. “Everything, Everything, But Tomorrow”

Saturday, October 28, 2017

Lesson 119 ~Everything, Everything, But Tomorrow~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear but depression has made itself right at home, along with even more anxiety and whatever else happens to be wrong with me and my blog at the moment. Honestly, I’m sort of envious Maddy from Everything, Everything, only I wish this was all in someone else’s head and not just my own or my stomach.

Today has been a waste, what am I saying this whole damn week has been a waste and to think I started with such high hopes and grand aspirations. You ask me where did I go wrong and the answer might take me forever and a day, but not today, or how about the last two that I just gave away? I couldn’t even say yes to “Indiana Gone” because everything is just falling apart, of course, this isn’t helping with the anxiety, I’m trying.

Hell, I’ll have to try harder if this keeps up because of tomorrow… I remember last price changes, how gross was that day? Honestly today I’m just back to trying to make it the next five minutes, it worked in the past but now I’m back to thinking about time. I don’t have time for anything anymore and that’s because I somehow or another forgot my favorite word, NO. Of course didn’t I say “No Fear” I say that every day, still trying to make it come true and yet here we are again right?

No I’m not sick just a Pop Tart and a chicken finger decided to lead an evacuation, yes this is getting grosser but honestly, where have I spent the majority of my day? If it’s not my stomach it’s me fearing everything else, my fellow authors, my computer, and that tomorrow is coming, faster now.

The thing is I’m more than willing to accept everything, I mean all of this than what awaits me but didn’t I survive the days of Sapphire, I’ve nearly survived another year, more waste. Personally, I just want to crawl into bed and await the inevitable, even if I feel better if I had to choose between Fear, Depression, and Anxiety, let’s say Fuck, Marry, Kill Style, I’d fuck depression, marry fear, and kill Anxiety.

So what have we learned today, that I should talk to several different doctors and maybe I could them about well, Everything, Everything, But Tomorrow.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 112 ~Weak In The Knees~

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I suppose I just have to make room, life is getting heavier all the time and I can’t carry everything, hell there are times I don’t even want to try and yet here I am anyway. Weak In The Knees and not over some girl

Saturday, October 21, 2017

Lesson 112 ~Weak In The Knees~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear and what else is there to say, even now I’m still sitting in my bed; have you ever heard the expression, don’t know what you got till it’s gone? Good health, some semblance of dignity, what about money, how much I miss a few bucks.

The madness is all in my head of course, but you know how much I look for the worst case scenario and now my eyes hurt or I’m just imagining getting broken glass in them. Yes I know, ouch but that hasn’t happened but it is moving closer to Halloween an how about the idea of losing all your guts, yeah as I told Lady Sophia, no more eating at work. Maybe it is too bad that I don’t have nightmares because I’m oversleeping all the time except to go to work or take care of my son of course.

I swear I was at the vet the other day and my voice was reaching so high up trying to catch any air, my anxiety, of course, was wearing me down. What about cutting the grass and my lungs were burning, all the times I have seen death and when I finally feel like I’m dying it’s doing the household chores, that would’ve been a jip.

Speaking of getting robbed, is life just getting more expensive or what, empires may be built out of stone but if that’s the case what is happening to all my gold, already this is going to be the worse year yet from a financial standpoint. It’s no secret that I’m a bit of a miser but I’m also gentlemen and again this begs the question why do I continue in my day job if I’m unhappy with the situation? This again goes back to my anxiety, after the days I have here I am not lovesick but living like a man just waiting for the grim reaper to show.

If you’re going to do what it takes to survive, why not live if you’re going to be sick at least feel like you’re missing something other than making a few pennies at work. So have I learned this yet or maybe there is something deeper and more meaningful but that’s just another job I’m not doing because there is getting to be too much Lady Lu, and sooner or later, I’ll just fall down, that’s where she’ll find me, not Weak In The Knees.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 091 ~Eye A Terrible Aspect~

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Lust, at first sight, is a real thing so you can’t look anymore, the words will have to be enough and the possible numbers of sales, maybe not on a bookshelf not yet but the world is full of beautiful things. Eye A Terrible Aspect

Saturday, September 30, 2017

Lesson 091 ~Eye A Terrible Aspect~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear but I can feel it coming in the air tonight, and more so tomorrow, and the next day and God help me when I have to go back to my day job. You know me and my religious references still a hard habit to break but anyway today’s lesson and it’s getting hard, how hard?

“For fifteen minutes. That’s the day I realized that there was this entire life behind things and this incredibly benevolent force that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video’s a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember… I need to remember… Sometimes there’s so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can’t take it, and my heart is just going to cave in.” American Beauty

Hard enough that I’ve been sleeping, even more, you might call it depression and maybe you would be right but there is so much beauty in the world and it isn’t mine. I’ve been sort of nervous about anyone, especially my future wife, reading our conversations but what am I supposed to do, lie, I omit, I give the truth scope, but I don’t lie. That’s what I was thinking about this morning, again the lesson, I lend the eye a terrible aspect and I will do far more maybe.

“Well, you know, Henry Miller said the best way to get over a woman is to turn her into literature.” 500 Days of Summer (2009)

I finally got a name for my short story, novelette, novella, I’m not even sure yet “Degrees of Falling”; you see I wish I could feel something good, I don’t see the good, I see the beauty and “Beauty Doesn’t Always Equal Good”. Lady Lu you know that’s going to be a rule, but what I mean is, all the things that I’ve done in the name of beauty and because I’m a man, it’s my duty, my obligation, hell privilege but’s let’s call it human nature to be an idiot when it comes to women. Another mystery Luna how do you make a woman look bad without some dreadful crime, I mean other than your own embarrassment or wounded pride; so many questions seriously?

“Only women were capable of being so fucking sexy you wanted to lick them clean when they considered themselves dirty.”
― Captive in the Dark

This sort of leads me to another idea, as I said before, maybe since we chat every day I should have seven ladies… no I’m not a pimp, at least not yet but besides you who act as my therapist, I could write to my future lady though I don’t think that will help and what about nemesis for all my rules, which makes three. Don’t I sound like a madman but three months of chat and I’ve told you more than any real therapist and “Indiana Gone” might be mad but she just wouldn’t get it, I mean no one understands in the least.

“A man’s sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions…. He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience a sense of self-esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own value will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer–because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement.”
Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

So what have we learned today besides my new rule, always look on the bright side of life… no, there’s a reason I exist in the dark or lost in the words because the world is a beautiful place but my work I will lend the Eye A Terrible Aspect.

“In peace, nothing so becomes a man as modesty and humility, but when the blast of war blows in our ears, then imitate the action of the tiger, summon up the blood, disguise fair nature with rage and lend the eye a terrible aspect.” – Henry V and The Postman

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 072 ~Madness Takes Its Toll

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I’m not a fancy of The Rocky Horror Picture Show but as found myself growing angry at the mere thought of my day job I found myself becoming exhausted and the price of all this is happiness? Madness Takes Its Toll I don’t make enough to sacrifice joy

Monday, September 11, 2017

Lesson 072 ~Madness Takes Its Toll

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, though it comes cheap, hell it’s practically free, as the holy rollers say about God, he may not come when you want him but he’ll be there right on time. It’s like taking a flask to work, you have to hide it, you know it’s wrong, and you need it settle your nerves quite often.

It’s one of the reasons I’m getting to you so late today and I never thought of myself as a drinker, but I’m an unusual creature, other people drink coffee to function, alcohol to relax, and who knows what else? They say money won’t buy happiness but as the song goes I’d like a chance to see, how about you tell me where they are handing it out. Maybe that’s why I spend anger like it’s no tomorrow as with my fear you can’t get rid of it, talk about being a rich man today.

“It’s all right, little brother… there are more!” Herger the Joyous, The 13th Warrior (1999)

Just like drinking for a living though, what is the value in it, I could ask myself the same thing when it comes to writing, because don’t people say if you do what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life? I think I told you before, that when I go to work, I get physically ill, sometimes I try to keep it all in my head because I have to do it, and while I’m not sure about whatever I’m doing, I don’t get paid enough to be angry all the time. Six hours today Luna and that’s twenty-four hours I’ve wasted as far as I’m concerned, that’s unless you count anger as making any real profit.

“I’m gonna teach you to HATE spending money. I’m gonna make you so sick of spending money that the mere sight of it will make you wanna throw up!” – Rupert Horn, Brewster’s Millions (1985)

It’s a load of BS that people say happiness lies within, I had the week off and that anger that was dribbling down came back as if I won the lotto and where do I spend the most of it? Honestly, I never thought of myself as one for self-harm, but how many times did I pound my fist into something, how many times did I go and slap myself, always pay yourself first right?

“Anger is more useful than despair.” -, Terminator, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

Maybe I need to take stock of what makes me happy, grateful of course is one thing I must never forget but happy, isn’t this what happens to drunks. What have I learned today, the price of happiness is time and for some reason, I always seem to be flat broke, Madness Takes Its Toll?

I Will Have No Fear

Vial Rage

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Is it always fair to rage, I see fire and yet the heat it gives off threatens to burn me from the inside and whatever could douse it, sweat, blood, tears, ink, cannot extinguish such feelings. “Vial Rage”, I think I shall not rage

And I would call it a plague
how this fever infects
me, I sweat

summoning up the blood
which can never assuage
the disgust, the dirt, my name is mud.

Better though, tears for fears,
than this need to purge, to clear.
I lock the monster in its cage

the white walls of the page.
A mad world of ink,
kink, mystique, doublethink

Don’t rage, rage

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 004 ~Embrace The Madness~

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Driven crazy before, been there and done that, it seems I have lost my way again but at least I’m moving now, though there is no destination. Embrace The Madness, maybe not all of it but anger is a hell of a navigator I think

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Lesson 004 ~Embrace The Madness~

Lu,
To be fair on any given day I’m pretty out there, crazy, insane, eccentric, and yes even “skeeve” I cannot tell you how much I hate that word. Is it really the word though or just who I associate with it and for once I’m not talking about myself now.

Okay so what are we doing here if not talking about myself right but am I over the incident, you know I have the tendency to blow thing way out of proportion. I think it comes with the whole bipolar territory but haven’t gotten around to talking to another “real” therapist as of late, like the last two or three maybe more were any help. Besides you listen to me for free and I don’t have to flush my medication down the toilet though I’ve been thinking about that stuff I bought from Amazon right.

“Anger is more useful than despair.” Arnold Schwarzenegger – Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

That’s where I’ve been lately, lost in despair but if I haven’t made this clear, it seems I’m getting madder and madder, talk about watching the world burn, I’m burning up but at least for the moment, I’m not destroying my work. Talk about the five stages of grief, I was never in denial, there was nothing to deny, I confessed, I apologized, hell I wish she would post more stuff to cover my stupidity or just erase it herself. There is nothing to deny and for a couple of days there I skipped straight to depression, nothing to bargain for and like I said anger is not acceptable either.

Only I am angry and instead of being sorry for the first time I’m actually pretty grateful to be this upset because it has done something my previous sin could not. I’m here aren’t I, I’m writing blowing off friends a bit to get this done to let this out, though I wouldn’t say that it’s necessarily helping at all.

Is that what I want… help, no Lady Lu, was this some sort of a wake-up call, perhaps a call to arms, well mine might fall off with all this writing I have been doing lately. That night when we got back to talking I thought I wanted to drop dead, maybe I did and this is Hell which explains the fire burning inside me.

“All I know is that first, you’ve got to get mad. You’ve got to say, ‘I’m a HUMAN BEING, God damn it! My life has VALUE!’ So I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window. Open it, and stick your head out, and yell, ‘I’M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!’ I want you to get up right now, sit up, go to your windows, open them and stick your head out and yell – ‘I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore!’ Things have got to change. But first, you’ve gotta get mad!… You’ve got to say, ‘I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!” Howard Beale, Network (1976)

See now I’m starting to get mad at myself all over because was I treating her like a human being instead of a… well there are so many things I want to say but I’m having a Ned Flanders crisis of conscience still. It wasn’t that serious, I don’t think but again it comes with my usual state of mind, whoever I am given the moment. For the record, I like to think I’m the perfect gentlemen and I do respect women, equal pay, equal rights, and everything in-between though I would never prescribe to all the ideology of feminism.

What about who I am though, I’m perfectly acceptable as long as I’m quite and dependable, aren’t I or is that scary too, is that wrong. You know I went for days without speaking to anyone at work and I’m the bad guy, people can say whatever they want, speak for me and I’m the bad guy. Back in school, I was the flowers and candies guy, I was the one the jerks came to for pretty words so they could get back with their girls but I was pretty much playing Cyrano de Bergerac.

Was I done with the apologies, I’m sorry if this sounds all too familiar Lu, same stuff different day but that just goes to show that things never change. Except for now usually, a pretty face would make me do all sorts of stupid things in the name of “attraction” now I’m up and about it the name of war.

Okay dialing it back but I’m writing now because of that anger, but let’s talk business, you know that Mime poem I wrote gave me my biggest rush of likes, the poem about almost getting fired seriously. Didn’t I tell you destruction is beautiful and since I’ve stopped with the other stuff, not a day goes by without a like.

So I’m embracing the madness, a business decision, you tell me, but for a few more days at least I’m going to let this anger wash over me, fuel to my fire. There are two emotions that guide me in this world and one of them ain’t joy and for the moment the fifth circle holds its sway. Only another reason that I’m mad at myself is the fact that it would take something like this to inspire me to work so hard once again.

I think I may have gotten it wrong as I do most things, so why not embrace the madness and the terror, and hopefully not the utter disgust. Physically I’ve been feeling better though I do have lingering worries, some pain actually serves a greater purpose. Note I said some not all but I will thank her for the pain she gave me because yes it has made me stronger.

No I shouldn’t say that but I do know I want to finish my book, I want to make my blog something if anything just to show her up, success is striking back isn’t it.

“The only way to survive a mad world is to embrace the madness.” Victor Strand
The lesson for today is let myself go crazy, work my ass off, ignore pretty brunettes, yes Embrace The Madness.

A Breathless Guest

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She leaves me breathless, not with kisses or in the plethora of ways I imagine but with my own fear of wanting her and knowing in the end… A Breathless Guest, someday on my lips, in my life, in my bed but she really won’t be a guest; catch my breath.

See Me Here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b9kwy8BQnwc

And was I too busy running
Are Cupid’s arrows… endless?
Did you FINALLY say something?
It’s not like I would, I guess
You can tell everybody and it’s a little bit funny
That this year’s love is madness
“Love me like you do”, “love me, love me” I say nothing
Left breathless
Scared because I know what’s coming
What… you said yes?

Copyright © 2015 Second Circle Creations, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Inspired By: Yuffie Kisaragi … Final Fantasy VII, A Great Big World Ft Christina Aguilera “Say Something”, P.M. Dawn “Set Adrift on Memory Bliss”, Aloe Blacc “The Man”, Glee Cast “Your Song (Glee Cast Version)” (Elton John), David Gray “This Year’s Love”, Ellie Goulding “Love Me Like You Do” Fifty Shades of Grey Soundtrack, and The Cardigans “Lovefool”