Tag: Man

Episode 162 ~I’m Only Human After All~

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It’s the most “beautiful” time of the year, baby it’s cold outside, and do I look like Charlie Brown, I doubt he would change places with me today, nobody would and of course, count my blessings, be grateful, don’t complain. I’m Only Human After All.

Monday, December 10, 2018

Episode 162 ~I’m Only Human After All~

Sixty-Second Rule Madam Justice

How To Make One Million Dollars, to keep it, find sin and indulge but if you want to give it away, find virtue and exploit the Hell out of it; now I have always been one for the readings of Le Marquis de Sade and LUST, but that makes me a monster… maybe? If I wanted to be more human, I think the sin I’m looking for is GREED, or at least that’s most people because it gives us time to think about what we truly want to be or at least keeps us from getting into worse or dead.

“Lust is to the other passions what the nervous fluid is to life; it supports them all, lends strength to them all ambition, cruelty, avarice, revenge, are all founded on lust.” ― Marquis de Sade

Considering what I think about humanity, namely that of all life forms humans are the “worse” all I’ve ever wanted to know is my manhood and days like today I’m realize that me even wanting that is a joke. I can already tell you today my reason for being a writer… nobody ever lets me answer anything; like I said greedy but for air, and while I want money, maidens, my dog sigh, I wonder why I can’t fucking breathe most days and yes Justice, the “language.” I don’t wonder what it means to be human or even alive most days I’m Only Surviving, After All, that’s what needs doing these days but being a workhorse, a victim, some pain does not sit well ever.

“If you want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face – forever.”
George Orwell

I must sound like I’m repeating myself which is another reason for these rules and my want to be, hell I don’t know what, monsters don’t live with the consequences, “B III” shows me that animals do remember, and words are immortal again why I’m writing. One more reason, because I don’t have to get up, I hurt my ankle today getting out of the way of some girl; knowing how I disrespect women writing-wise on the daily “men” are told we are inferior to women… okay, that’s opening a can of worms but is that not what I am? An infection, an ant, a rodent, another way of explaining my nightmares, of course, I was listening to my Motivations, and they talk about what a miracle human beings are, then I remember politicians, parents, people in general and they put the blame on me.

Madam Justice, either I’m not human at all, and I’m getting sick and tired of everyone well… you know I don’t have any answers, but I wish they would give me the benefit of one breath to figure it out, not that I’m doing myself any favors sleeping all the time. On the other hand, I am human, and people are far too concerned with being miracles, children of God, icons, whatever and they don’t need to know ever when they see me, I’m nothing, I’m Only Human After All.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 161 ~Baby It’s Will Outside~

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Nobody would have to coerce me into staying here, the monsters, the mayhem, the man that awaits me, hell I saw a glimpse of him, talk about going from the second circle of Hell to the ninth plus “Triple B” thinks I’m a meanie. Baby, It’s Will Outside

Sunday, December 9, 2018

Episode 161 ~Baby It’s Will Outside~

To Will:
How To Make One Million Dollars, outwit, outplay, outlast, and what wouldn’t give to stay in the house all day, despite getting a full eight hours; that’s the dream, and you would rather keep dreaming am I right? It’s a reason most of those reality shows take place on the beach, in the kitchen, or skimpy attire because who likes being cold, more to the point who likes feeling dead I ask daily?

Despite the cold, the concept of becoming a corpse, and the possibility of gaining, more likely, losing cash, nevertheless you go out and what scares you the most is not the man in the mirror but the man they see. I know how things were in the past and they don’t sound anywhere near as good as Baby It’s Cold Outside; you’re sick, frozen in fear and yet warm in cozy in sheets, in a hot shower, or with the furry kid, and the future… Even Spotify agrees you vanish in “Fearless Motivation” and yet if you had to face the man the rest of the world sees, neighbors, family, the vet’s office, not that I’m sparing you any misery either, with Six Impossible Things:

  1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 002 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 001 No Fap)
  2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
    Failed
  3. I Will Review Sell My Soul (Sixty Days #1) by Jade West
    Failed
  4. I Will Review Depredation By Natalie Bennett
    Failed
  5. I Will Finish Dancing In The Dark By T.L. Martin (Goodreads)
    Completed
  6. I Will Edit One Chapter Of My Newly Written Novel
    Failed

My, don’t I make becoming an ice cube, sound so much more appealing as days go by, no one is looking forward to seeing you but the Day Job and only so you can be frozen in place unloading trucks. The score didn’t move up any from last week, and even now that’s a bit of counting my chickens before they hatch because according to Goodreads I haven’t finished “Dancing In The Dark.” Hell if it wasn’t for last night, one of “B III’s” nails getting caught in his collar you would have more than enough reasons not to brave the cold of this world, and if there was a pretty girl in the mix… whoa, just Six Impossible Things:

  1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
  3. I Will Review Sell My Soul (Sixty Days #1) by Jade West
  4. I Will Review Depredation By Natalie Bennett
  5. I Will Finish One Book Besides “Begging For It” Todd Michaels
  6. I Will Edit One Chapter Of My Newly Written Novel

Besides today, of course, there is one work shift to consider; one more reason you’re frozen, tears, sweat, and other things the body excretes; what temperature does blood freeze at, that’s a type of you’re a writer and not a psycho inquiry. You’re a writer, an artist, like those who did Baby It’s Cold Outside and you can practice from anywhere because Noah knew the flood would pass, but it’s freezing in your part of the world, so you believe and Baby It’s Will Outside.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 160 ~Love, A Medicinal Will~

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A choice, live your life with hate or love and embrace death, I’ve seen it recently “Me Before You” “A Million Little Things” and speaking of little things, my little boy won’t take his tiny pills, and my heart is too big. Love, A Medicinal Will

Saturday, December 8, 2018

Episode 160 ~Love, A Medicinal Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
How To Make One Million Dollars, do something like “Are You The One,” I’m sure shows like The Bachelor/Bachelorette make a lot of coins or love anything besides people and animals, that is if you don’t plan on keeping the money. Love is priceless, love is infinite, and love is broke because with life too many things can go wrong and maybe hearts have to be empty so that you can fill them with, well whatever, to make room how you can.

Does size matter; I mean that in a purely non-sexual way since I broke my NoFap streak yet again because of two dark haired MILFs and two blonde actresses; yeah when the bed is empty, and I’m pushing nightmares aside, something has to fill the void. Plates get larger since I’m not sharing. Nevermind the fact my belly seems that much more empty today. I don’t feel like eating as I’m full of such emotions, hell maybe I’m the one in need of medication. B III sigh his heart is becoming too much for his little body, but his big mouth won’t let him swallow the tiniest of pills he needs, because my love can’t save him, love is eternal.

Hate doesn’t have to be, though I have views on that as well, it can be like the nightmares I’ve been having about my pest problem, I dreamt that I was holding the door closed and rats, snakes, even alligators, were trying to get through, along with the ants and other creepy crawlers. It’s that rage that builds up inside me that makes me feel like I’m going to explode and maybe I can understand why guys try to get bigger or at least carry more muscle. When I’m writing, fifty-thousand words seems like a daunting task, but then they don’t seem to be enough, I have so much more darkness, that must know oblivion.

The difference between love and hate, one makes you bigger to encompass more, the other makes you smaller, and there never is enough room, it’s a thin line when it comes to B III, hating what he’s doing now has him locked up, because I won’t have this house empty without love. Is it the same in BDSM I wonder, bondage, focusing pain and pleasure because I might lose myself to something as big as love… that’s a big pill to swallow am I right Luna; Love, A Medicinal Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 159 ~When’s Your Holiday Will~

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If I could take back everything I’ve said to women, that includes my first cry because I’ve been offending them ever since, how about when Santa lost his way here, and if I ever wake up rested and happy, shocker? “When’s Your Holiday Will?”

Friday, December 7, 2018

Episode 159 ~When’s Your Holiday Will~

Hey Lady Sophia,
How To Make One Million Dollars, don’t live in infamy, it doesn’t help you win wars, (Japan), money and women are questionable (Marquis de Sade), and even if you’re proven right, “what’s next” is far stranger than “The End” right (Joseph Seed)? So am I saying become President, what was that about infamy, how about becoming a pornstar, working for FOX News, or even *gasp* a writer, you can always make money off some holiday spirit right?

Infamy, a day that will live as such, how many of the brave died this day so many years ago; I know you’re asking why do I even bring up something like Pearl Harbor, it’s not like I’m doing anyone a service but one more reason I’m a writer, I don’t want to forget. I’m not a great man, a good one, hell sometimes I judge if I’m even alright, especially when it comes to writing but for this moment in time, hell anytime I find myself sitting here, talking to you, any of the girls, the man in the mirror, writing a novel or poem I’m free. Isn’t that worth celebrating, every day I make a choice but here’s the thing and I’ve said this before, things we don’t learn from history we’re doomed to repeat; is that why I’m always writing about the end, something like Kylo Ren:

“The Empire, your parents, the Resistance, the Sith, the Jedi… let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. That’s the only way to become what you are meant to be.” The Last Jedi

You know I don’t celebrate holidays… my “birthday” in itself made me someone I didn’t want to be; alive, talk about a day I would erase, and then there are the days I can’t, the 5th of November, July 2nd, whenever the Harmonic War began. Seems almost tradition that the worse days of my life always revolve around a girl, even now my work schedule is done by one, I have several women who text me (not that I’m mad about that). I can’t remember when I did my first novel which wasn’t for NaNoWriMo; when’s the last time I got a full night’s sleep, and again with the women when was my last one or first one, long time.

When you can’t remember the day you lost happiness, would you recognize it, hell I remember the last time I had ah, a “release” and every day I resist is a victory not that I can celebrate this week, already failed #1. Even talking to Dear Future Wife my thoughts focus more on the present than the future but you want to know when I’ll party; September 1st when I have my first million, and hopefully I won’t be lying here on December 7th asking again, When’s Your Holiday Will?

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 157 ~Willing To Waste Words~

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How I thought I was wasting words with my novel but one week out and the words are still going nowhere except to the wrong people, the day job, a few porn sites and Pinterest must hate me I’m sure. Willing To Waste Words

Wednesday, December 5, 2018

Episode 157 ~Willing To Waste Words~

Forgive Me Echo,
How To Make One Million Dollars, the question I ask myself every day or at least since September and my first sin for today and why… because when I’m not coming up with an answer, when I’m blabbing away like yesterday to the future wife, and what about TRYING? I’m sure I have told you often that I hate that word, goes right up there with things like “just kidding,” “I’m sorry but,” “that’s interesting,” and of course STUPID, one of these days I’m going to write a list of trigger words.

Funny I use the word trigger because words are like bullets and the fact of the matter is why does one want to use them, I despise hunters, well trophy hunters, don’t give me thoughts and prayers, and while I’m no Republican and I hate the NRA, I don’t want an outright ban. I’m losing my analogy… what I’m saying is, I don’t waste words on the meaningless, I don’t have TIME for that, and yet every single day, even if I’m not talking to people, the words come out and the harm they do regardless. You know I also hate people making noise for no reason, take for example A Quiet Place, and people arguing that the family should have moved to the waterfall or Pontypool because people can’t shut up or die logically.

The thing is this is my story and about my sin so of course, I start with my son, the sins of the father no doubt, I tell him, no, to go lay down, even to shut up and here I am doing all I can because I would not be able to take that silence, my second sin. The third as I said before I have been blabbing away not accomplishing anything because I only want to be done, I want to go back to sleep. So for the fourth one how about when I’m genuinely getting something down, my browser history, Pinterest, Instagram, and any number of porn sites, I know I have looked up much worse things, not to mention my novel…

Words have power Inspector Echo, a few moments ago the word was “Yes” and we know how that word has so many connotations and if you asked me right now what the meaning of that word is, I would tell you guilty of a fifth sin. Can you forgive me for not having a better answer or any worth writing, for not being more careful with “B III,” and letting myself babble away, also I’m building a dictionary of porn and not using Yes for the right reasons because I’m always Willing To Waste Words.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 156 ~Love Can’t Will Time~

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Honestly, it’s not NaNoWriMo making me cry, but I have been so out of it lately, and today I wanted to break down; I swear a shoulder, a lap, in a minute I’ll be like “B III” looking for comfy spots on the anatomy. Love Can’t Will Time

Tuesday, December 4, 2018

Episode 156 ~Love Can’t Will Time~

Dear Future Wife,
How To Make One Million Dollars, I wish there were time, but I’m too busy making it for someone else which is why I want it so badly, not the money, but the time it takes, can you imagine, especially in these last two months? I can’t be sure about the saying money Can’t Buy Me Love, and I’m not saying you’re Gold Digger (am I dead yet) what I mean is if there were time and there are days I work so hard for a dollar…

I would love you like Bedlam, Pandemonium, the walls of my skull because I would need you to wrap me up in your arms, to have my back, to stay by my side, to keep me in, more than your thoughts and prayers though you are the one person I might believe. Love in itself is a form of insanity, and I hope I never recover but at the same time, the things that are known to hearts and minds, to the soul, people talk about love in terms of forever, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, did I mention I’m a traditionalist? You see love doesn’t have to tell time because it is always there but as I said today, why can’t I be, my head hurts, my heart feels on the verge of shattering, I don’t want to move, my eyes say the soul needs a rest day now.

I want to love you like one of my novels, You’re My Latest Greatest Inspiration, and sometimes I’m going to think you’re the best thing ever, and I can’t wait to tell you anything and everything. Other times I don’t understand anything at all, and I’ll kick myself because I know I should do better and I’m going to look at us and set my alarm for later, I’m going to starve, I’ll count every minute because I can’t go to bed with us like this. As one of my motivations says, greatness takes a lifetime commitment, and that’s what I want for us, this is what I’m willing to give but to love you and to live, how I need more time, more tries, to figure out why having two opposable thumbs makes me wise somehow or another.

Evolution, man, lover, husband, father and then there are times I want to be a boy standing in front of a girl asking her to love him, and sometimes that will be easy and other times like today… I can see more hard days on the horizon but it doesn’t take all day to recognize sunshine as John said in Fear The Walking Dead, finding love even in the apocalypse, so Love Can’t Will Time.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 155 ~Are You There, Break Through~

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Maybe I miss cracking open a good book, eight hours a day doing something you hate is enough to anesthetize one’s heart, and that’s great to keep the monster locked up in his cage I suppose. Are You There, Break Through.

Monday, December 3, 2018

Episode 155 ~Are You There, Break Through~

Sixty-First Rule Madam Justice

How To Make One Million Dollars, don’t rob a bank, don’t sell off the things I enjoy, and while I liked gambling on horse races once upon a time, that didn’t exactly pan out in the end. Now I take this rule in several different ways but let’s try two tonight, one is something, someone getting to me and the other is me “trying” to get somewhere but which do you prefer dear Madam Justice?

“My wife used to say I’m a hard man to know. Like a closed book. Complained about it all the time. She was beautiful. God, I loved her. I just didn’t know how to show it, that’s all.” Andy Dufresne ― The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

Do you know why I admire heroines so much, Katniss Everdeen, Beatrice “Tris” Prior, Ember Miller, MacKayla Lane, how about the dozens I read about in erotica, these are women who test the hardest of men and no matter what they take what these men dish out and keep coming. You know what makes me hard Madam Justice and I mean that in a completely non-sexual way… I can already read my tombstone; I need a woman that can break through a mausoleum, walk through hell, I’m the dragon waiting for the princess to “keep” the psycho with the basement, the zombie that wants to come back to life. Damn if that’s not a good story idea and speaking of which why do you think all my stories take place at the end of things; if I was the only boy and she was the only girl sort of way.

“Hearts are wild creatures, that’s why our ribs are cages.”
― Elalusz, Found On Goodreads

Now on the other side of the pillow, when I’m not locked in some stupor, I always feel like I’m on the verge of exploding in rage, bawling my eyes out, or any number of things I want to keep up inside. Take “The Girl in 6E” for example; hell writing is only one more cage to confine myself in, cover to cover as it were because if I let any of those inspirations out; Shusaku, Isaku, Kisaku, Mold by Barbell, Vault Girls… “Okay” asked do I fear failure, far from it, if I fear anything it’s that once I let this all go, who I am will disappear forever because it’s as if I need to destroy myself so others can’t do it ever.

I’ve said it enough, I’m a greedy S.O.B. be it pleasure, pain, and power, the thing is I don’t dare to open that door at all Madam Justice, I don’t fear the monster, I want to join him more than anything, but it’s the difference between Alessa and Sharon… (Silent Hill, I use a lot of heroines don’t I?) So I’m sitting here wanting something to come through, but I don’t know if it will be good or evil, right or wrong, choose the form of the destructor and all, what’s one more reference, Destroyed by Pepper Winters “Hazel and Roan” to have such control but something is coming honestly, Are You There, Break Through.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Ctgn7kKYHo

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 153 ~Will Is Back Alright~

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You did not take up to be mediocre, even if you’re on your back all day your eyes are wide freaking open, and you know what you are, an actress, a superhero, working for NASA perhaps and I am a writer. “Will Is Back Alright.”

Saturday, December 1, 2018

Episode 153 ~Will Is Back Alright~

Hey Lady Lu,
How To Make One Million Dollars, well there was an experiment with NASA where I could be paid thousands to stay on my back for a few months; trust me like white people don’t want to be black, I don’t want to be a girl but if I were a pretty one I’d do porn. Of course, guys do porn too but that doesn’t seem to be in the cards, and how much has “B III” made just lying here. Free room and board, medical care, he has me rubbing his belly and head on most days.

Lying on my back is not my purpose, and I did not wake up to mediocre, so why did I wake up at all… walk “Triple B” (it was raining), his medication, check the “War Room” the battle goes well, you are what you eat (Chicken) and talking to you. Sometimes I ask myself, have I always been like this; when I was trying to end my life, taking sleeping pills, painkillers, one every half hour because you know I’m a stickler for time, there was my reason for staying in bed hurting. Now I stay in bed merely trying to recover, and that means nothing is getting done, besides novels, naughty fantasies, and counting what will never happen ever.

Not all heroes don capes, but a lot do because they know who they are, others believe in who the people protected might be someday, and others want to know how strong their enemy is and know they can’t fall back, their backs to the wall. Another benefit is heroes fight back to back so they know who they can trust, villains always worry about knives, so at least evil is forever on their toes, but my point is they are awake and alive. November was about the walking dead (my version of them), whores, and wakefulness; so why do I only want more, falling to me is akin to failure, and I continually return to one of my Motivations where Eric Thomas quoting 50 Cent says, sleep is for those people who are broke.

You know I can complain about money, but for longer than that I haven’t only been “broke” I’ve been dead, and I can’t imagine who I was before, and if I go back let’s say to October, I wasn’t exactly living either. Zombies wake up to feed, and that’s it, though I might be a “Whisperer,” yeah waking up to watch The Walking Dead, my most active time, death is when one feels the most alive and if I could be that guy every moment screaming Will Is Back Alright.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 152 ~Certified Wrimo, Winner, Will~

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NaNoWriMo ends today but I won yesterday so yay me I suppose but what do I do tonight, get to bed early and cherish the knowledge I don’t have the day job in the morning… funny. Certified Wrimo, Winner, Will, and more, not to brag

Friday, November 30, 2018

Episode 152 ~Certified Wrimo, Winner, Will~

Hey Lady Sophia,
How To Make One Million Dollars, well publishing a book might help but I don’t know if “Indiana Gone’s” faith is strong enough and I know for sure that mine isn’t counting this is my second November NaNoWriMo and I did two camps this year. As it has been with every novel that I have set to paper I am left with the same question, a somewhat sane one and that is, what do I do now; tonight, I’m feeling pretty lazy.

Nothing to do but talk to you and you ask me do I feel reluctant, resistant, or even ready and as much as I love writing… I must right, I must write, how does one prepare themselves to bare their soul, to say bleed, to purge? I’m not one to throw my soul into the ether; I’m not a woman (yeah that’s sexist right), I’m not a psycho, police office, private, or president, too much media nowadays am I right. What I am with every day is exhausted sadly; which is more damaging Lady Sophia, doing what you hate or doing what you love barley because you don’t have anything left, with my Motivations “Purpose.”

This isn’t over Lady Sophia, even now the ideas continue to flow, “B III” is going to be the business partner in my novel and also a WEREWOLF for example, I think the four parts split will be between the classes of “Escorts” The Songstress Class, The Dead Heads, and The Elysium Class. I will also have dog sayings such as “And They Call It Puppy Love,” “Dog Eat Dog,” “Raining Cats And Dogs” And “Every Dog Has It’s Day” when did a story about a brothel become about my four-legged son, I’d never abandon him for any woman no doubt. The entire third act will be about the past which means the whole tale will be getting bigger, ha tail, heart disease and in the words of Warm Bodies:

Maybe that’s it; while I can tell you everything that I want, once I get everything written it doesn’t even matter, my confession, my confections, and like “Cherry,” I hate making “corrections” or editing, but I also understand the purpose of it. It won’t be tonight, probably not tomorrow, I’m going to waste so much time but for now, can I not bask in the thought that I am now a Certified Wrimo, Winner, Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 150 ~Will Took So Long~

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It’s a little earlier tonight, but I still won’t be getting a full night’s sleep, eight hours, six, funny, but if I even get three and tomorrow I should be done with NaNoWriMo, one more novel but honestly *sigh* Will Took So Long.

Wednesday, November 28, 2018

Episode 150 ~Will Took So Long~

Forgive Me Echo,
How To Make One Million Dollars, is a year too long to wait, three months in, I’ve nearly written a novel in one, and when’s the last time I ever accomplished my list of six impossible things though if all goes well tomorrow… When’s the last time I got over five hours of sleep in a row, how about when I last did laundry, or I felt completely safe in this house; do any of these equate as sins or should I blame NaNoWriMo for it all?

No Inspector Echo that in itself is one sin that I’m looking to blame anything else other than me with anything that’s going on but if you want another crime, it’s that I’m “TRYING” you know how much I hate that word because it’s not doing. Perhaps a third sin, taking life lessons from Star Wars but am I different with my novel which should count as a fourth sin because it is indeed the worse thing I have ever written and why did it take me a month to realize that? How about the idea that I’m sleeping too much after work, never five hours though this would be the fifth sin but why am I staying up all hours of the night right?

“Indiana Gone” might count the fact that I never have any faith in myself but at this point what else do I have to give, other than to work, my writing, and the small amount of sanity I’m grappling onto and you know what I’m holding exactly, not books, beauties, or a full stomach. Hell, I still have plenty to eat, but at this point in life I smell like potato chips and work, even this morning I gained twenty minutes of sleep as I skipped a shower, I washed up in the sink, still had to get to the day job always. That’s seven right, the eighth is the fact that I’m not looking at the positive, tomorrow all that is required is a final nine hundred words, this weekend may be quite shiny if not for the immense cold, and Youtube’s musical selection has been doing wonders to keep me going despite everything.

A ton of forgiveness you’d believe right but still forgive me for blaming NaNoWriMo, where would I be without it. I’m sorry for more trying and less doing. Why can’t Yoda be a hero, only I’m more Vader wouldn’t you say? My apologies for horrible writing and my terrible sleep schedule, my lack of faith, for giving into every vice, sloth, and lust for the most part, and finally for who knows, finding success and saying, Will Took So Long.

I Will Have No Fear