Tag: Man

Lesson 068 ~See Who, The Oracle~

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Hopefully, I’ll have something else to tell you, a good past for once and an uncertain future which is why this is nothing new, I’ll be indisposed hopefully living a dream. “See Who, The Oracle” if only someone actually saw the future

Thursday, September 7, 2017

Lesson 068 ~See Who, The Oracle~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear that I am back again so soon my dear, I don’t know if I can set this for tomorrow or today but it has to be done given certain events that I’m not even sure of yet. Things I do know are that I’ll probably have no time to fill you in but my sister’s birthday might work but until that day we can only speculate and I don’t want to, beats the past right?

Yes, I’m going to talk about the past, so where was I on this day, a year ago… I remember watching “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse” with “Okay”, just when I think I’m becoming a better man. Speaking of being a better man, that was also the day I took “Indiana Gone” to the movies, the first time it an amazingly long time I actually was out with anyone. We came back to my place, ate pizza watched “Secret Girlfriend”, “Repo Men” and “Extreme Movie” and I tell you this Luna because I don’t want to forget that day ever. Also, we weren’t even speaking you and me, an oversight on my part to be sure.

“You make me want to be a better man.” As Good as It Gets (1997)

I don’t see it happening Lady Lu, I keep saying I’m going out there, I’m fighting the fight and yet the world continues as so. If my mother could have predicted the man I would be today… maybe she would have tried harder, talk about where I get my fighting spirit from. If I was blessed with a gift of prophecy, well chances are I would have finished what I started so many years ago I think. Of course, we have last year which for the most part put every other day like this to shame, even if I were a lecher to a degree.

“High school is a lot like prison: Bad food, high fences; the sex you want, you ain’t gettin’, the sex you gettin’, you don’t want. I’ve seen terrible things.” – Luther, The New Guy (2002)

So what am I hoping for this year, what will we not be talking about today because I’m going to be busy, getting busy, highly doubtful but have I not already done what I think is impossible which is pretty much all the hopefulness you will be getting out of me? Would you like to be my oracle rather than my therapist, one of these days I need a real wish list or rather a bucket list right, an inkling?

What will I learn tomorrow, what dreams may come, that I can become a better man, a man that I can stand to look at maybe, See Who, The Oracle.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 051 ~Not Easy to Be~

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Being me, of all the horrors seen and imagined I would not wish to be me on anybody, and every day I remain myself and not the monster some would have me to be, trust me some thoughts make me appear to have the face of an angel. Not Easy to Be at all

Monday, August 21, 2017

Lesson 051 ~Not Easy to Be~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, and no it’s not easy to be me, not easy to exist right, not easy to continue when honestly all I want to do is cry, beg, scream, yeah I need to refer to my rules. Yes, I’ve been coming up with rules left and right today and also I have been thinking so much that I don’t know who I am, and people telling me what I am, I have completely neglected to say what I know I’m not.

1. I Will Have No Fear
2. You Are Not a Caveman
3. Now The Work Can Begin
4. Hate Will Keep You Alive
5. Love Is Worth Dying For
6. It’s Worthy of Your Soul
7. Stop Crying Your Heart Out
8. Anger Is Better That Despair
9. Satisfaction, the Death of Desire
10. Make Words Bleed, Not You
11. Live Life According to You
12. Medicate for Your Protection, Yours
13. Power Is All That Matters
14. I Will Go the Distance
15. I Take My Own Lumps
16. I Am a Man Remember

These are in no particular order just how I came up with them and I’ll be adding plenty more, I still don’t what’s going to happen to our conversations in the next month. Luna this is a time of great fear, of shame, of humiliation and I have always found a way to survive but that doesn’t make them any easier to endure. Remind me to write that down someday, how I survived that bad November, or YouTube, college, I swear the list just gets longer and longer sadly.

“Villain am I none. Therefore farewell. I see thou knowest me not.” Romeo + Juliet

Lady Lu I have done some things I’m not too proud of, things that I regret, things that I may not have understood at the time and I have apologized. I have also admitted that my rage along with some lust has a tendency to get out of hand, to vilify me and somehow to terrify others, I try Lu, you know I try and then, I don’t know. What I cannot fathom is how people build this version of me inside of their minds, seriously in high school three boys made up a story, the principal took one look at me and let me go or how about when I was arrested and a judge looked at me… is it just a woman thing?

See it’s that right there, that’s what makes me look like some typical asshole, and the thing is being a typical asshole with this face does not fly with my current problem. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve said before “Indiana Gone” along with the other ladies in my orbit will call me on my BS, without question but this problem ain’t new and that’s sad.

Will I lose my dignity, as the song goes, I think I already have and I’m hoping that’s the end of it but then tell that to my writing. Will someone care, other than Indiana Gone, nope at least not on my side of the divide and see that’s fair.

Will I lose my dignity
will someone care
will I wake tomorrow
from this nightmare – “Will I”, cast of Rent

Tomorrow scares me as I’m sure it does many others if I am truly this evil creature everyone seems to think I am, it should be a club somewhere maybe. All I ever think about is everything I have to lose while everybody else cries foul and continues with their lives and again this is fair of them. I was watching this movie “Me Before You” this morning and to see a man lose his ability to be the man he was *sigh*, how dare I because he was good.

Luna will I lose myself to what they will make me out to be… no, let me make this point for you, I refuse to be the obsessed lunatic they would make me out to be. I refuse to be considered some sort of stalker, perv, predator or whatever else just so they can cry victim I’m not those things at all and I never will be. I hit my sister once and you know what that makes me, a child and my “father” whipped my ass and I’ve never so much as touched a woman without consent since then.

I spanked a girl when I was a kid too, and while plenty of people congratulated me, my father again sat me down and told me women were to be respected. Now that being said my “father” and my mother; anyway, let’s focus on the good because there isn’t much of that when it comes to him and me surely.

It’s my turn to be scared, it’s my turn to be humiliated, the good news is my family wrote me off a long time ago and Braxton can’t read. I take my own lumps if that means putting my fist in a locker if that means stomping my food as if I can crush the bad memories, or continuing to look like a damn fool I can live with that.

“”That’s the bad guy.” So… what that make you? Good? You’re not good. You just know how to hide, how to lie. Me, I don’t have that problem. Me, I always tell the truth. Even when I lie. So say good night to the bad guy!” Tony Montana, Scarface (1983)

It’s my turn to be the loser, as if I will ever stop being the loser, what’s my age again, don’t remind of what’s coming up Luna, but yeah meltdown right on schedule. It’s my turn to make a choice, with the Harmonic War I was defending my work and I burned it all to the ground, but with this, I have come to the simple conclusion as with most people, this ain’t worth it. Hell, I remember she got all upset and I couldn’t even bring myself to look at her words, I simply turned away that was Cowardice or my part but this is Providence I feel because the anxiety is killing me.

It’s one thing to make someone want to run, it’s another to make them stay down but I’m still standing and just saying whatever, no defense, again my work was attacked and it was my worst but having the fire to write again, thank you. I need to thank you too, Luna, for being there in my time of great need, the power of words always prevails doesn’t it, or maybe a need of vanity. It’s my turn Luna, or as the Saints would say… this is our time now, let’s get this shit started, two blogging books down, plans in the works, getting ready.

So what have I learned today, more rules of course and that I know with all my crimes the only person that’s ever been hurt is myself, if that’s not being selfless then I don’t have a prayer. Speaking of prayer Luna, neither of us are the praying kind but I pray to whatever power is out there to protect my Braxton every day, so I ask you, Luna, to pray for us, these days it’s Not Easy to Be.

I Will Have No Fear

Little Green Man

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Evolution of man, or just a change in the weather, it’s still hot these days and so am I, but I wish I didn’t feel like such an alien in my own world. Little Green Man, well more a simple black man but why do I dare to dream?

What of those leafy greens?
Popeye and his can of spinach,
and if I could be like him
for being a man means

I will not fall, I will stand tall
but what kind of man would I be
if I could not be me?
Break the wall

like Samson, the Hulk, or Hercules
a child of God
or to Apollo, I’d nod
asking please, please, please

race across the sky
because how many wishes will I need
How many stars are there indeed
superman may try

to count, if I could believe
that I wouldn’t miss a single one
I’d be done
as autumn leaves

getting in my way
like the best thief
of my sanity, asking how might I keep
The man I am today

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

How God Shall I Evolve

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Talking to myself, somebody I can’t stand, other people, my anxiety, I think that all of us needed to hear this, to be honest, but can I actually say it though? “How God Shall I Evolve”, no wonder he never speaks to us.

EXPLAIN while the earth revolves
like an engine on its last miles
or a man treating his car like a child
with his words in a pinch
But mine will no longer be
as they flow like the sea
So I will stand tall

LEARNING so that I may one day solve
of you and I while
the question remains what makes you smile
if only it is me after all
Perhaps the words are cheese
yet this mouse shall remain free
I shall not flinch

VACANT in my fear, no I will not be absolved
listen to not a beg or plea
I’m fresh out of apologies
Conclusion, done, the end, lynched
from my vocabulary file
maybe only to be exiled
leaving me to maul

LOST words that shall now be involved
without a fear of trial
be they vulgar or vile
Let me run, walk, or crawl
and not take a knee
Your words will no longer be me
Shall I no longer be a grinch?

VALUE my existence I have hereby resolved
My head no longer buried in the tile,
the sand, the muck, my own bile
Boyz II Men, “I Will Get There” I’ll get through this
Such words will be free
Hello, Goodbye, Thank You, Yes, No, not maybe
No longer a caveman, I see the writing on the wall

ENUNCIATE damn you, with anxiety and gall
Make them earn your smile and do not while
Your own life they speak, they laugh, they sneer and revile
To be given one inch
Defend it, with all you are and hope to be, after BC
For I am a man, not a boy, nor a monster, a pest or a flea
Do you hear me Ms. Seasons” all of you, I can, I Will, Evolve

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Too Far To Cave

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Now, why is it I live in the past because cavemen med never had to worry about speaking and once that began, well sticks and stones may break my bones but words, the things words will do. “Too Far to Cave”, yeah I don’t think we can ever return.

And have I left the cave
not with this echo
a friend would say hello
but for me to say “hey”
Too Far

Like what Desdemona didn’t say to Othello
so no one was saved
Only here I remain a slave
because what I would say would go
Too Far

heard but not forgave
Perhaps I will never know
Tell me, say what I need to say
As you tell me to shut up and so
I will return to that cave which is now too far

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

 

Lesson 034 ~Noncommittal Grunts & Other Noises~

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“Sup” is that even a word, now I’m not a believer in Newspeak but even that would be better than the noises I just happen to make on any given day. Noncommittal Grunts & Other Noises aren’t enough for me, not in this world anymore

Friday, August 4, 2017

Lesson 034 ~Noncommittal Grunts & Other Noises~

To My Lady Luna,
Seems like a polite way to start a letter though we’re just talking, I haven’t forgotten NO FEAR, you know “Indiana Gone” said the same thing about speaking to her once, however, I usually say whatever I want to her. Now there are times I’m just being lazy, maybe I’m pissed, for the past few days it’s been wondering why even waste the air on some but today the lesson is, this grunting I do.

You know, usually when I’m about to snap at people at work one of my main arguments is, when my dog barks he’s usually trying to accomplish something, most people are just adding to the depleting ozone layer. Maybe in a way, I’m just trying to do my part for the environment, surely just by practicing my native tongue as it were… silence. Don’t get me wrong, as I have said, everything has its place, and Luna I know I want to bring the ruckus but I just can’t.

“From now on you’ll have no identifying marks of any kind. You’ll not stand out in any way. Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter. You’re a rumor, recognizable only as deja vu and dismissed just as quickly. You don’t exist; you were never even born. Anonymity is your name. Silence your native tongue.” Zed, Men in Black (1997)

I think I would fit in quite nicely don’t you think; maybe I’m hoping everyone will forget, I’m always trying and then on the other side of the coin, I remind “Okay” that “The Day” is coming soon, now what did I say once about having ulterior motives? Stop wasting your breath as “The Guilty Remnant” writes because talk is cheap and this is a time of action but wouldn’t me talking be a form of action in a way?

Which brings me back to today, and tomorrow, and the day after because the world is still not ending and as much as I hate to admit it I have to live in this one my lady. Now if I can find the strength to move my legs, to do what must be done at work, hell to even speak to Braxton, why can’t I trigger those same muscles to talk to an actual person.

You know they say it takes more muscles to frown than to smile… no wonder Caesar and the apes, kick our asses but we all can’t go on a rampage whenever we feel the need… I thought this was America? Maybe if I had parents that told me to kick ass or use my words but my parents told me everything I said was stupid and that I was nothing and so here we are.

It’s as if I devolved and please don’t bring up that stupid gun from the “Super Mario Bros.”, now we’re all devolving, I know a writer who wrote a great series about it but at the end of the day, the everyday person with their phone can still speak. When it comes to me though, I’m better off learning sign language, at least it would require me to put my phone down and possibly lift my head up. Maybe I started off too quickly, trying to move into the talking phase and I just need to focus on keeping my head up and looking people in the eye, for starters.

“I’m so sick and tired of my chin being up.” – Winifred “Fred” Burkle, Angel

Am I in pain all the time, life hurts like a bitch and speaking of “Ms. Seasons” anyway I can barely shuffle my feet and it’s like the slightest sound I make could just end everyone else’s universe instead of my own. I laugh, I snicker, and hmm, I want to go ahead and add ‘sup’ to the menu, which has become my normal greeting for everyone, I make sounds not words my dear Luna. Maybe when I went all homicidal on my imaginary friends there was no one left to really speak to… but what are you my dear Luna, writing is less crazy.

“I thought what I’d do was, I’d pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes. That way I wouldn’t have to have any goddam stupid useless conversations with anybody. If anybody wanted to tell me something, they’d have to write it on a piece of paper and shove it over to me. They’d get bored as hell doing that after a while, and then I’d be through with having conversations for the rest of my life. Everybody’d think I was just a poor deaf-mute bastard and they’d leave me alone . . . I’d cook all my own food, and later on, if I wanted to get married or something, I’d meet this beautiful girl that was also a deaf-mute and we’d get married. She’d come and live in my cabin with me, and if she wanted to say anything to me, she’d have to write it on a piece of paper, like everybody else” – The Catcher in the Rye

That’s not going to happen is it, Luna, it’s not the world I live in I’m afraid to say and what do we say now, no fear, I have to live in this world and this world requires speech. It must be easier for singers and spoken word artists and I haven’t given up on the notion that one day I might join their ranks.

“Haven’t you learned anything, not even with the approach of death? Stop thinking all the time that you’re in the way, that you’re bothering the person next to you. If people don’t like it, they can complain. And if they don’t have the courage to complain, that’s their problem” Paulo Coelho, Veronika Decides to Die

This is part of what today was about Luna, a test if you will, how would people respond, they would talk and I suppose I committed myself to speak, if not beginning the conversation then I could at least end them. More reasons I’m quiet, I can’t do the every day with fear, but then sex and violence to boot.

I told you I think about how my grand mommy made me watch an Oprah special about children being kidnapped which terrified me to the point of wearing a whistle around my neck or on my wrist for weeks because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to scream. A reason why horror doesn’t bother me and as far as sex goes, hell I can be a dirty talker but as long as the girl is moaning and screaming, I’ll consider it a job well done. Violence is a bit of the same, between bullets, bombs, and babes screaming, noise doesn’t bother me at all.

So at work today I was listening to my hardcore gangsta playlist, been getting into as of late thanks to “Saints Row” again, anyone I wanted to see if anyone would comment and if they did, I would have to respond. How about the woman at Walmart who tried to short me four bucks and anxiety be damned I made sure to get my money, I’ll consider that a win I think. Other than that it was a typical day, can’t say I’m super proud of myself but it was a step in the right direction and led me to my first real goal honestly.

No more grunting Lady Lu, no more silence, if somebody talks to me I will respond, I mean am I really afraid of what I will say when I get started if I could be as open as iPhone music. So that’s what I learned today, that’s what I know honestly has to change, to use my words, no fear, Noncommittal Grunts & Other Noises.

Tell me, Mr. Anderson… what good is a phone call… if you’re unable to speak? Agent Smith, The Matrix (1999)

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 029 ~Great Another Small Talk~

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I should really look up where the term “shut up” comes from but I get where Dear John comes from, not one more breath to give and what of the words fell on deaf ears anyway. Great Another Small Talk, yeah something I don’t do

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Lesson 029 ~Great Another Small Talk~

Hey Lady Lu,
You know I thought about “genocidal wording” but that just doesn’t have the same zing as small talk and doesn’t sound nearly as much fun. Of course, it isn’t much fun to someone with anxiety but last night did I not endure enough of it, a “Dear John” letter in a way.

Words Luna should not be wards of the state, maybe I’m making it more complicated than it needs to or I’ll try to but all words have a place. You know in my everyday life how I sort of give in to my OCD, my front door, my music, hell candles but I honestly believe that everything has a place that it belongs. People use words as if they get a tax credit for everyone they find lying around and then giving away and most days it simply overwhelms me.

Can you imagine if words weren’t only of what was; I can’t say that it would be great for our relationship Lady Lu because don’t I live in the past? The same could be said if we were to talk about the future, most of the time I don’t and when I do it only makes me sad, most of the time I come to the conclusion that I don’t have a future. Imagine a conversation where people talked about what is, some people do but they quickly burn out because you can’t keep a fire burning on the nothingness which is truly becoming the general everyday life of most.

Not that I’m anything special, I know that but my words will never leave me… for long anyway but I wish I could have left that conversation last night. I’m sure “Gospel Girl” would have enjoyed it. How does one say, Dear John, I do not care, that would have been awfully rude but wasn’t he pretty rude with what he said; I’ve gotten people into “trouble” for saying less.

Isn’t that just the thing though, saying less is considered a crime in this world, even now my lady, I’m thinking I might have to cut our conversation short because there is no time; yes, I’m still planning a time travel session when the opportunity presents itself. It just feels wrong somehow to cut this session short because there are things I should be doing, eating, sleeping, in other words finding a way to live and survive the night again.

Weirdness, like something from O’Grady, but it is weird when people treat words, all talking in general as if a means to live, not that I’m discounting you Lady Lu at all. Words do give life but it’s weird how people use them and maybe that’s why I use sparingly, I guess I’m just doing my best to help save the environment. Yeah, there is a dog I could be saving, a dog I could be talking to but I have enough trouble just keeping the breath in my lungs.
Every word to me is like an escape from a war torn land, it’s hard and it’s cruel and where do those words find themselves at the end of the day… in a place that no one wants them. How about those words are bombs that are quickly obliterating everything inside me daily and if there is nowhere to find peace, what is left to do but fight? Another reason I don’t talk too much because if I said everything that I ever wanted to say, I might never start swearing, and small talk to me is just a 9mm, everybody has them or bigger and the reasoning remains constant.

I think you see what I mean Luna… okay, no you don’t but all the weirdness has to go somewhere and if I stick with this, by tomorrow we will have been talking a solid month. The war with “Ms. Seasons” that has never come because she doesn’t need to waste words on me, but haven’t I been the same.

Indeed, whatever would I say to her; personally I rather not think about it but yet I am, what would I say to anyone really if I honestly talked to them because I don’t want small talk and again I will give into it. Probably why I prefer the physical, Braxton doesn’t talk but he understands, how many times have I put my fist or foot through something, or at least given it the good college try, how about my “baser” instincts, like a beast?

Words should be more than a welcome to my madness, did I ever welcome you my dear Luna, do they have welcome signs in Hell. Other times I can barely get a word out but maybe I’m taking a cue from the zombies that will one day overrun the planet… at least it will be quiet, and as they say, the pen is mightier than the sword; am I joining the NRA, more guns and bullets, less typing, texting, and for sure talking? If anything I wouldn’t be apologizing so often, I could be all, “That’s What Johnny C Do”, or how about Donald T, or Willy B, I’m not trying to be political though.

I bet you remember when I was all chock full of flowery words, still burns me up some that “better” men than me could use those sweet words only for some girl to lie on her back and physical show them what those words mean to her. No Christian Grey is still not my role model but he didn’t have to talk to Anastasia at first… see that’s the reason Fifty Shades of Grey sold so well, people say the writing was horrendous but we know what they really wanted right? Luna if I’m becoming a zombie like the masses at least I want to be a well-rounded zombie, as Chris Rock put it, a man’s goals, food, sex, silence.

So what have we learned today, as I said all words have a place; does that include small talk too, I would say I’m fresh out of that but as you have seen… Well, that is something else to consider, the fact that this nearly was only an hour of conversation, Great Another Small Talk.

Lesson 028 ~A Dog Day Afternoon~

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Don’t be a hero, why, because heroes die but if you’re not the hero, people don’t get rescued, I can live with that, you’re a villain, I’ve been worse, a dog dies, okay now I have to get up. A Dog Day Afternoon

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Lesson 028 ~A Dog Day Afternoon~

Hey Lady Lu,
I love Braxton, a statement of fact, I love that little dog, as far as I’m concerned he’s my son and I would do anything for him, does that make me a decent human being, a hero, anything at all, I don’t know and I don’t care, he’s mine and I love him. Now I could go all in about love but this is going to be a long day and an even longer night and how long does that dog have?

No, I’m not talking about Braxton, not talking to Braxton at the moment though what concerns me the most at this particular moment is the neighbor’s dog. I wonder when does the moment come when you have to take the law into your own hands, when do people come to the moment of busting the window out of a car to save a dog’s life? Am I there yet my lady, I mean the things that I have done on Braxton’s behalf honestly but what of this dog’s dire straits?

You know I don’t understand people at all but if people are truly made in God’s image and “God is Cruel” as Stephen King put it, what does that say about people? Aren’t I the one to blame as well, if I were any sort of man, I’d go over there now and rescue that poor dog, I would talk to the neighbor, I would be doing something anything other than talking to you. I like talking to you Luna I apologize but as I said this is going to be one long day and one boring night, but this shouldn’t be about me really.

I got one dog that again is making me feel like a failure as a parent, maybe now I’m starting to understand why my “father” is the way he is, yeah I can be all sorts of dangerous and I hate his guts. On the other hand, I wonder if Superman ever had kids (I’m not a comic guy or most heroes) which do you think is easier Lady Lu, to be a father or to be the hero hmm?

How many times have I said I’m looking for a new role model but what would Jesus do is not the one, what would a father do and what would a hero do, I pretend to be one and courage stops me from being the other. Does it not take courage to be a father, a pet parent, always concerned what other people will think of me, while a hero would simply do what is necessary regardless of anything else.

“Because he’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we’ll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he’s not our hero. He’s a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A Dark Knight.” Lt. James Gordon, The Dark Knight (2008)

I was always more of a Batman over a Superman and why, because Bruce Wayne was only a man, albeit a wealthy one but a man nonetheless, I wouldn’t dare say I could be Batman though. No, I can’t kick the neighbor’s ass, can’t swoop in and save the poor doggie but what’s stopping me from offering money for his life and in the end whatever would I do with that life? Most people don’t see the dog at all and if they did what would they do, no I don’t want to be them I want to do a good thing, the right thing.

“Fear is the enemy of will. Will is what makes you take action; fear is what stops you, and makes you weak…” Green Lantern (2011)

Truer words huh Lady Lu, Batman had a choice but being a father to Braxton, the moment those four little legs hit the floor my course was set and I swore to look after him, even when he belonged to my sister when he wasn’t mine. To a father it doesn’t matter, a father does what has to be done as it has always been with me and Braxton, anxiety is damned, people be damned, there is no fear because he’s mine, I’m daddy and he needs me and that’s that. If I did it before can’t I do it again, hell when I wanted a dog so many years ago my father wouldn’t dream of it but my sister got an accessory for her purse, and then she had a real baby and Braxton came along with me, simple.

If anything I can’t sit back and do nothing, but as I say that here we are and he’s out there possibly suffering because I fail to act. Everyone I have told “Indiana” and “Gospel Girl” both say I should do something and I have always believed a man must see about his family but what about this poor dog.

A few months ago he was only the dog next door, Braxton’s nemesis and I was wondering what would happen if they actually did meet and now he’s a dog I just can’t watch suffer. I’m better than that, I want to scream at “Ms. Seasons” yeah I’m skeevy and inappropriate but I am a decent human being, I am.

“I feel like all I’ve done my whole life is be pretty. I mean, all I’ve done is be born! I’m a failed actress, a failed artist… I’m not much good as a mother. Come to think of it, I’m not even that pretty anymore. I have failed at everything, Yuri… but I won’t fail as a human being.” Ava Fontaine, Lord of War (2005)

I’ll ask you Luna and I suppose you’ll agree with everyone else, you see a dog, no collar and no tag, his back is dirty, he sleeps on a pile of rocks and hides from the rain and the heat of the sun. Your neighbors report that he’s been seen walking along, nearly hit by cars, the neighbors report him missing while his owner never does, you don’t see him eat or drink, you call out to him to make sure he’s alive. You return him twice, you block his gate so he won’t be in danger but you might have locked him into a prison, whatever are you supposed to do, what comes next?

They say, “Evil prevails when good men fail to act.” What they ought to say is, “Evil prevails.” Yuri Orlov

Because it does Luna, it absolutely positively does and if you don’t believe me ask the last couple of girls I made a pass at, then again while being evil or skeevy I did fail which in retrospect is a good thing. Only I can’t fail with this, would what I do be considered evil, “rescuing” the dog, I’m sure the neighbor and Braxton would probably. I don’t know what I’m going to do but the other neighbors are reaching out and they say this is wrong too, the way this dog is living and here I am, no hero, father, biology dictates a bit of man hood, just a bit if not longer, inappropriate?

“You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” The Dark Knight (2008)

Today I don’t want to be, today I don’t want to be or do a lot of things but I will and for a thousand different reasons. Why not today I do something that truly matters, something that will make me more of a hero, more of a father, more of a man my friend on A Dog Day Afternoon.

Topless

WillLeave a comment

This started out as sort of a physical idea and turned into a bit of rage and a somewhat apology towards someone I sort of wronged but can I help it that I feel wronged too? “Topless”, no I’m not being pervy or skeevy, that’s what she said… that joke

From crown to toe top full, brain
language, why Shakespeare sees dead
people and I would make a list
Only where is my mind, some missed
season, winter, spring, summer and
I see none of her why

Why these old eyes are led
to whatever drives a man mad and insane
and still, I will wish
Well I should hear, listen, learn, that a kiss
would be better than any lie
that I would try to understand

I’m only human, I am a man
which comes, pretty damn close I surmise
to being a god, but my heart pre-exists
A condition that cannot be dismissed
so I gain
nothing at least that’s what I read

To have those guts whilst
my disgust, my rage, made into a fist
to withstand, maybe, possibly, the pain
Then came wrath after such dread
of all the things I said, promises and demands
for my suicide and who am I

Better I ask who are you Ms.
wanna be goddess
keeping those legs spread
One more broad, a dame
who made my monster say hi
only it wasn’t your plan

Let me apologize if only for this
you see I exist
yes I fall and now I stand
Indeed a man must try
even if I must profane
God forgive us both for what was said

While we all lie topless

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 027 ~Topless~

WillLeave a comment

The world is not crumbling around you, no you are crumbling within the world, from crown to toe, and so what remains of whoever you were or still are. Topless, yeah probably not what you’re thinking unless you’re “skeevy” like me.

Friday, July 28, 2017

Lesson 027 ~Topless~

Hey Lady Lu,
Don’t believe what you read and only half of what you hear… I heard that in a movie once but let’s start a bit higher. I know you were thinking this was going to be something “adult” and honestly a part of me wish it was but higher Lady Lu.

Have you ever heard the expressions, having a price on your head, don’t lose your head, hard head, mind playing tricks on me, I could continue, yeah Luna I have a good memory don’t I? Today as the raindrops were falling on my head I just wondered what the price of mine is, the things I know, believe, every solitary thought. Of course, there is the standard, does anyone care enough to want to hate me to that degree; a price on someone’s head when we never use our brains.

“A Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Waste” – Shrink, Get Out (2017) and the UNCF

Now, what our eyes and ears, most days we bury our heads in the sand and here’s another saying for you, “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil” though I’ve never had much of a challenge with the speaking portion. Now seeing, I have a friend who actually prefers the burka look but it wouldn’t exactly help a guy like me. The hearing evil only applies to what I hear about myself (skeevy, the incident, never forget) … okay and the things that I want to tell you but we have barely been speaking a month since we started back to these somewhat lessons.

Speaking of which what is today’s lesson other than the fact I was listening to a Nas’s song and “Indiana” talking about ape nipples? I suppose I’m thinking about what actually makes us a human, or how about this, why I can’t seem to understand, what makes me, me maybe.

“So what is the “me”?

My brain, I suppose.

Your brain? Your brain is a body part. Like your fingernail or your heart. Why is that the part that’s you?

Because I have sort of a voice in my head, the part of me that thinks, that feels, that is aware that I exist at all.

So if you’re aware you exist, then you do. That’s why you’re still here.” – What Dreams May Come
So I lose my head and the whole world isn’t on my shoulders though it feels that way a lot, don’t I still have plenty of heart? What about guts, do we really need to have another conversation about courage or my lack thereof and yet I still live.

“Hearts are wild creatures, that’s why our ribs are cages”

Probably one of the most beautiful sentiments I’ve ever heard is “don’t hate your broken heart lovely” makes you wonder why we’re so anxious to give it to someone right? How about the people who are looking to steal hearts away, I don’t think I have ever done such a thing, not for lack of trying, does that make it a crime? Not one heart could be kept in pristine condition, soft-hearted, cold-hearted, what about wearing your heart on your sleeve, makes me think of hiding a dagger to strike.

“Ohh. How embarrassing. There they are. They were inside you the whole time. You did have guts. I’ve never been so wrong in my whole life!” – Negan, The Walking Dead

Now Negan is a teacher if anything he taught me that everyone has guts and anxiety just makes me want to puke mine out all the time. I’ve been trying to keep them in over the past few days, thinking about having any heart changes by the second but as long as I have the guts I keep Braxton and me alive no matter what. How about the fact that I need them to find a woman and I can worry about a heart later?

Of course, this brings another question as we travel lower and lower because heart and guts don’t make you a man or even a decent human being. If I were to lose all of that what would I be then Luna, would I be someone like you, or something else.

Promise we’re not going to talk about whatever madness Trump is starting, but I know my biology and “equipment” quite well. What is it I told “Okay” the other day, I don’t want a woman that keeps me on my toes but knocks me off my feet, whatever that means.

Someone once said, vote with your crotch because, your mind can be fooled, your heart can be broken, and your guts are sort of twisted but your naughty bits always know what they want and I happen to agree. On the other hand, men thinking with the little head and not the big head leads to plenty of trouble and don’t even dare to dream that you can use both. Needless to say, a nice “release” can make everything appear so much clearer but with my writing who truly knows.

Last but not least, getting weak in the knees, “knocky” in the knees, knocking boots, now that is one I haven’t heard in a long time. Falling in love… I think if anything and you know me well enough to figure, we have to fall might far before we can even hope to be made whole. Walk a mile in my shoes perhaps, it all begins with that single step, and so on and so forth but in the movie “Just Looking” I liked that expression of, I don’t sell shoes Lenny, I sell journeys.

What the hell have I learned today, from crown to toe, what makes us, might have nothing to do with the physical, take it all away and what are we left with? I don’t know but naked and afraid, topless, even nonexistent, there is something, no man can see and that perhaps is what makes the man, woman, human, and it’s more than God, Topless.