Tag: B III

Gospel 363 ~I’ll B… I’ll Write~

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B on four little legs taught me to write. He taught me Patience, Persistence, Prose; brevity is the soul of wit. With so many pretty girls in this city and dreams of a mom, he’d never meet, I knew more of love from my furry kid. “I’ll B… I’ll Write.”

Tuesday, June 29, 2021

Gospel 363 ~I’ll B… I’ll Write~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I shouldn’t be, or of course, it wasn’t enough to save him. I’m still trying.

You know I tell Braxton that every day. Braxton wasn’t one for “writing” prose, platitudes, and all the promises I couldn’t deliver. Brevity is the soul of with THEY teach. Of everything I have ever written, he only needed one letter with all that I have said. Always there is B. My son kept me on point more than any English teacher I ever had. B III had more faith in my novelizations than anyone, well before you, sure. I remember every three months, that’s two Camp NaNoWriMos, and then in November. Braxton always returned. He’d sit on his pillow, by my side in bed, or on the couch, and he would wait. The life he had traded for the life I hoped to give.

Now I look at the white of the pages before me. So what was the first thing I did, baby girl? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I took his character out. One death wasn’t enough for me. I was living what it takes to be a decent writer; that involves suffering. My Love, I gave life to this love I have for you and as Shakespeare said um; art thou happy. The names of our children come from years upon years of “research” well novel reading. Their love of reading comes from the concept that I read and encourage such pursuits. What brought in my first million was a bestseller here, a collection there, my scripts? Black across white, like us.

But 149 days, and even now, I’m Not Alright. Braxton got me to pursue the lives of others, but here’s the catch. Love letters, lamentations, the loose screws in my head, those words came no matter what. Braxton never taught me to say goodbye, and I don’t want to now. So here I am starting in July writing a book believing in some marvelous masterpiece. Love, it will probably be more of the same, “I love you, I’m sorry.” Lots of that I know, okay. Only I don’t want to say goodbye to my family; what remains, writing, I’m STUPID. Because I don’t know how to be alright without him. Words that bring life also bring death. I’ll be okay someday… I’ll B… I’ll Write.

149 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 358 ~Okay, B Father’s Day~

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It’s not a holiday I was fond of like my Emergence Day, the day I got my Day Job, and now the day that B left me. It’s been 144 days, and still, I refuse to say “another day” as they’re not meant to be. Okay, B Father’s Day… love is all I needed

Thursday, June 24, 2021

Gospel 358 ~Okay, B Father’s Day~

144 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I’m sorry I can’t be honest about mine. It’s been one of those weeks, remember?

Neither of us wants to, isn’t that right. All the days of your Daddy hating the whole damn world and then? Braxton, I should have known, and now I find myself here alone. I missed your granddad’s birthday. I can’t tell you what I did Sunday; it’s still Saturday today. Sonless for a Father’s Day in how many years? I want to say fifteen, but when did you become mine. Technically I was your uncle, and your grandma made me your brother. When I was, gifted this place, I looked at you as my best friend, my little Cerberus Braxton. One day it clicked, and it wasn’t the money, the medicine, or the munchies. I’m a father, you’re a son, and there was only that.

You didn’t have to get me a damn thing because, at the end of the day, you just got me. I swear you picked up my virtues and my vices. I’m scared of people; you were scared of other dogs. Um, I never heard about all your time at The Dog Stop, making new friends. I’m one for boobs, and then I had to explain to you about my second best friend, hell women in general. I don’t like asking for help and expect people to get out of the way. You didn’t ask for help, but at night you’d stand by the bed like, “Um, Dad, lift away now.” These holidays have been crueler than any, and I’m not able to acknowledge the sameness.

Sameness, indifference, the thought of “Every Day Is Exactly the Same.” I rather say I “Had a bad day again.” If it’s at the Day Job that’s certain, Ha, like me breathing, you being gone. How about things being right between my father and me? That will be the day. Braxton, I never thought much of Father’s Day though I want to be again someday. I’m not sure about fur babies, but all kids should grow up with a friend like you were to me. Then ultimately, they’ll ruin their lives. Okay, that was harsh, and I’m sorry, but even my “Emergence Day” can’t compete with January 31st. The day I was no longer a Father. The day you left. F… Okay, B Father’s Day.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Gospel 356 ~B Had The Lives~

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Didn’t We Almost Have It All? If you asked Braxton, we did, with comfy spots, cuisine to share, a good collection of books, and channels on YouTube. After long days of working security, he deserved a good life with family but me? B Had The Lives

Tuesday, June 22, 2021

Gospel 356 ~B Had The Lives~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but before that, I would lie with Braxton. Yes, I would lie, “this is the life.”

B III had his life, of course, but I have to convince myself he was happy every day. My B deserved “the life.” My love wasn’t enough but his heart. Yes, I know, I know, we’re 142 Days without. Only I promised him a family to love, some fiends to chase, and so much food to eat. Braxton is always and forever my son, but there was more. Wingman turned Best Man. He was not a toy, but he would be the best cuddle buddy a kid could want even with age. In the kitchen, he would be a tremendous help. Drop something you don’t mind losing? You’ve been telling me forever, and a day I need to take better care of myself. So yeah, I got the vaccine Saturday.

It’ll sound sad, but I lived because I wanted him to be more. “I’ll be back” isn’t just some line from The Terminator franchise. It’s an oath to him that I couldn’t let anything happen to me. If anything did, where would that leave him? Braxton had the Olds once… With you, our children, Braxton would be disappointed with me. I’ve been listening to that song “He Lives In You” from The Lion King Broadway. B III lives in me, but I realized something he was trying to teach. You can add teaching to Braxton’s résumé, as I get it. When he would give me his toy, it was his way of preparing me. But also, he was trying to say, “Take care of this.”

Braxton cared for something, he loved it, and he trusted me to do right. It’s like the dog giving her human, her pups. Oh, and the ferret that took the man’s hand to cuddle with. “You have a wife; I have a mom. If she’s going to take my side of the bed, you should let her be there for you.” I’m sure Braxton would have used some obscenities, possibly. “Daddy, you can watch my siblings play in the backyard, even take your computer outside.” I always made time for Braxton; I’ll do anything for our kids. A good father… Braxton was my life. He’ll always be a part of it. I’m not accepting anything, only the fact that I live. B Had The Lives

142 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 351 ~A B Plus Effort~

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Every day is a chance to learn something new or to wallow in bed all day long and what have I been choosing. All the focus on education and the truth; Braxton was never one for formal “Dog Training,” but he always gave his best. A B Plus Effort.

Thursday, June 17, 2021

Gospel 351 ~A B Plus Effort~

137 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? It’s pretty early here, and I didn’t get up on time. When the sun’s up…

Besides not walking, I can’t say I have been putting my best foot forward in anything else. It must have been worse for you, four paws and all, ha. A joke, a fact, just some chit-chat? Now that’s one thing that’s been bothering me lately. I need background noise. Your paws aren’t pitter-pattering down the stairs ever again, no matter how much I pretend or plagiarize. Hell, I bet the first necromancer was some guy wanting his dog back. So you’re no longer wondering what my obsession with the Dead is on every given Sunday. Yes, I still watch The Walking Dead. Sometimes there aren’t even tears for you. An effort to live perhaps without your tiny, tiny paws B III. I don’t like it.

I want to be your Pa again. Of course, I’ve never stopped as I am always and forever. Only who is a Daddy without a son? I should go and ask my “father,” but I don’t have the nerve. I’m sure by now that I have missed his birthday, not that I care, being fair. However, I acknowledge the man tries as I did and do with you. B, he’s a better man than me, considering my age, and you were 15 on the cusp of 16. Should I go and try to find that in dog years? Doesn’t matter, but you are always my little boy. I’m Braxton’s Pa. Someday, the world will know, but what have I done so far in 137 days.

My life has been on pause, and when I dare to want and play again, it’s like, what have I done? I failed, that’s what. When I was a boy, instead of studying, I was doing anything and everything because my life was a game I didn’t want to play. You were real B III. Only I thought I needed to give so much effort. Better yet that you would wait for me, with all the time that I waste. Even now, we started talking at 5:50 AM, and it’s been an hour. I’m not trying to rush. Seriously B being honest, I’m giving you the best that I got. But F wasn’t for father, D for Daddy. If I’d given A B Plus Effort

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Gospel 344 ~Remember To B III~

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Remember to Be Free of guilt, to Breathe Free, and damn I should add more beef to my diet, but no, and why not. B III isn’t here anymore, and that isn’t my freedom; it is his from the pain, and I need to know that. “Remember To B III.”

Thursday, June 10, 2021

Gospel 344 ~Remember To B III~

130 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Mine B III begins with a promise I made to apologize to you. I’m sorry.

Be Free of the guilt I carry… NEVER. Even before we started talking today, I burst into tears. At least I’m free of my bed this morning. I made it up, if only to feel like I did ok now. God knows it wasn’t being your Daddy. A strange Dad joke it is when I told you to Be Free, B III? You’d come back. My B had to run the yard. So am I a prison warden, my son? A mourner, a missionary, trying to regain monk status. Things can’t and will not go back to the way they were. This was your place, and I know you’re in a better place now, B. Braxton, I keep telling myself that as you sit there?

Breathe Free, as now I struggle still crying a bit. If I could drop dead right now… You don’t want to hear that, but what I wouldn’t give to listen to your paws or your barking. Anytime I attempt to clean up, I wonder how many of those dust balls have remnants of your hair? It’s why I focus on the bathroom. Only I had to wash the rugs. Ants invaded. As I said before, I’m in prison, but the thing is, I was freer with you than anybody. The best times of my life were lying here reading everything with you jumping my belly. The last free breath I ever took was the one that became your last Braxton. Now every single one costs.

Beefy foods… I should be buying plenty more. If you were here, I would be eating better because you would want me to share. Voluminous vitamins, vittles… vitriol. Braxton, it might not be a lack of sleep but of any decent sustenance, and I continue ticking after 130 days. I’m thinking more with my heart than my stomach. I keep pushing you back in. Then here I go vomiting all of this only to find another picture of you, A thought of you to sustain me for a bit longer. You’d prefer fries B III. Jonesing onion rings. Which hurts more. Well, the first reminds me to share; the latter reminds me I am alone. Neither replaces love. Yet I try. Remember To B III

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Gospel 337 ~Digital Sets B III~

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What if Braxton isn’t getting these “letters?” He spent fifteen years, eleven months looking after me, and if he wanted a vacation, I get it. Is that what I’m calling it, the ticking clock until we see each other again? I HOPE. Digital Sets B III yep

Thursday, June 3, 2021

Gospel 337 ~Digital Sets B III~

123 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? To think I’ll get lucky and get to come home early. Work sucks and home…

These days the Day Job is worse. Here I am about to insult you like the mom you never got to meet. What I mean is, being here without you was not one of our walks. I wanted to be anywhere else but with the ASM and my general loathing for the company’s staff. Whoa, I should be careful B III. Noted you were usually asleep while I watched the news. So they were talking about some dude bad-mouthing his company. I usually did that when you were here, but now I’m talking to you like this? It’s best not to think about it. Hell, that’s all I ever do anymore is try not to think about it, Little B. Then again, there’s always you.

Would you have me not think about the 123 days you’ve been gone? I can’t help it, and I don’t ever want to forget. You can see that around my neck every day, my own collar in a certain way. So I come back and what, not think about you? With what I’m doing now? Destiny, Disgusting, Discovery, Dirty, and all thanks to my dog. My son, you will always and forever be that, Braxton. You died, and I don’t want to believe that January 31, 2021, was your time. Besides killing you, I had all sorts of disgusting ideas. But I found you B. On my video camera, even more photos of the two of us “happy,” maybe you. Now everything is dirty, tainted.

THEY say I should let you go, but here I am hoping that you’re not watching me. I want you to be happy and do whatever good boys and girls do on the Rainbow Bridge. Meanwhile, your memory is like me keeping a digital watch. I look, and there it goes, I killed you. I keep track of everything. My phone still buzzes three alarms dedicated to seeing you alive and healthy. So I’m crying again and saying Depression, never. Acceptance would be like owning an analog watch. It would require me to think for a bit, or maybe I’m just lazy, which explains why there is so much work to be done. All you are for the world to see. Digital Sets B III

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Log 033 ~Will Makes Life Harder~

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The only thing harder than writing is, okay, I won’t go there but that and what I have devoted my life to both come out pleasurable in the end; today though let’s see if I have a problem that can trump the two, seriously? Will Makes Life Harder

Saturday, July 27, 2019

Log 033 ~Will Makes Life Harder~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Millionaire right now, so why isn’t cold hard cash enough? You know I’ve never held the delusion that money fixes everything? Indeed, money should make things harder because I have plenty of building to do. I say it often enough, brothels, photoshoots, resorts, strip clubs, studios. Not to mention everything that it takes to defend my new empire. It all starts with a pen or pencil in my hand, how my fingers hit the keys. Of course, you know what I have been holding onto these days; day one.

So I’m trying to find things that are harder than that, ha good luck. Well if we start with last night, Hank shot Connor. Relax, it’s Detroit Become Human; still, I hate to lose. If anything makes me despise humanity “It’s In The Game” it’s Hank. If you’re wondering about humanity “In The Desert Of The Real” I saw my sister and nephew last night. I never know what to do with my family; I fucking research Pornstars (LANGUAGE). Friends aren’t helping, though I’m happy for “Indiana Gone.” I’m still planning how to get to her wedding. As for my best friend, my son “B III,” he had a slight illness last night. Puking by the gallons and talk about changing dirty diapers or pee pads. It was hard having to keep him away because his favorite “sick spot” is under the bed… a mess?

Hell, I haven’t spoken to “Okay” in forever. Where else can I find a maid that I could talk out of her clothes one day? You see like that I’m always back to the porn from Hazel Ricotta to Alice March, OnlyTease Hettie, and others. The Devil’s Hand it seems, thank you Alycia Debnam-Carey and Adelaide Kane. Keeping myself in check is tougher than letting B III out twenty times to bark. Dare I say more so than Walmart Chicken Tenders, after twenty-four hours. How about avoiding awkward moments with anyone? I could tell my Day Job no or stand-up to one of the many men there and not some girl. What about being weighed down by some lost Facebook friend? Don’t even get me started on everything in my country that is going wrong.

“Wheels of Steel,” “Iron Will” from William Shakespeare, to the Conqueror and Will Smith. My dreams are gigantic, to hold them, Will Makes Life Harder.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 355 ~Will We Be Heroes~

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What do you want to be someday and I don’t think a father ever made my list but maybe a Power Ranger, and now I want to be a PIMP but in my dreams what did I become I’m still asking? Will We Be Heroes

Friday, June 21, 2019

Episode 355 ~Will We Be Heroes~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Millionaire right now, which is why B III is sleeping on my lap. How much do I want to relax after today’s events? Last night wasn’t any easier; strange dreams. You see one more reason I don’t have nightmares usually is because I’m the monster. I was plenty scared today and last night. Well, long story short, I don’t know what hero I was Lady Sophia. They were all there, Captain America, Spiderman, Black Panther, others. The thing is though in the dream, in a book of heroes, I couldn’t find myself at all.

Now forgive my BLASPHEMY, but for a moment I thought I was Stan Lee. How dare I but I don’t ever write about heroes. You know what they say about heroes and legends. Of course, there has to be someone there to write about all their great deeds. What heroic actions did I take today other than saving my son from a tummy ache? How about facing down people and not killing them? How about going back to Taco Bell after complaining. Somehow keeping my shit together (LANGUAGE) looks like Captain America is back. In my dream, the deed I remember is Spiderman escaping a house explosion. I swear up to the moment I woke up; I was trying to identify myself. I’m an Employee, Father, Consumer, Writer, so what’s wrong with this picture, Sophia.

Is that a question I should be asking today? My panic over B III kept me from worrying about other things. Take, for example, the Gallery List I didn’t share. I was probably reading the wrong book and should have gone looking for villains. That’s how I see myself at work sometimes when as CJ put it, I listen to that hardcore gangsta shit (LANGUAGE). I still have my list of would-be evildoers, according to society. In the end, though I’ll always see myself as the worst. Only I don’t remember any criminals in my dream. There was fire though that reminds me of my novel, Apocalypse Rush. Even so, I met some evil people today. Well one of them did help Triple B so how can I consider that man terrible? Have I failed my little boy once again?

Which brings me back to Stan Lee and how he would only watch. I moved when I had to do what was right. I was a father, but still, I ask, Will We Be Heroes.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 194 ~How Will Goes Unwritten~

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Am I writing good or bad, truth or fiction; I would be rather pleased if I were writing anything at all and the one that I’m doing it all for, could never read one word of it, though he understands, or so I hope, it’s for him. How Will Goes Unwritten?

Friday, January 11, 2019

Episode 194 ~How Will Goes Unwritten~

Hey Lady Sophia,
How To Make One Million Dollars, stop writing checks, although honestly, I don’t remember the last time I ever did, money orders nowadays, though my debit card could probably tell quite a few stories. This week my writings were supposed to be one about positivity, but I might have spoiled that yesterday because I find there are words that even I won’t write and you ask me why not considering the things I do write every day.

For one I refuse to write an obituary for my son, hell no, B III is going to live, and that’s even if I call the Vet he treated him an idiot, doesn’t mean he’s a hero either and haven’t I written plenty that I’m petty amongst other things. Also, I won’t write, “goodbye,” “The End,” or will I remain silent when my child NEEDS something, and I will never write a single regret of having him in my life. Yes, I write of my failures often when it comes to being his father but I will never write than I gave up on him; like I told the man in the mirror as I want to be The Best Man I Can Be, right behind that I need to be the best father ever.

Lady Sophia, I never want to be ashamed of my name ever again, and it’s hard, but with this week, yes I’m turning every negative into a positive because writing out the usual spiel does nothing but keep me in a Mad Season. How about that period when I didn’t want to say that I’m sorry for things that absolutely, positively have nothing to do with me or what about saying the word impossible; well you know that goes with my “mission statement.” If I learned anything from the “Ho Business” yes I’m nearly done with “The Art of the Pimp” and still thinking about dealing with the MILF, I never want to write a deal that I’M the one that’s going to get screwed in the end once again.

Writing is my purpose Lady Sophia and like I was telling “Okay” last night, my “why” is Triple B which means I should honestly get to work, he’s not the only one who needs to live and I already said yesterday I don’t write suicide notes. One more thing, I should never write another excuse as to why I can’t do something or didn’t “TRY,” and never again another statement for the Day Job; I know How Will Goes Unwritten.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 170 ~Looking Forward To Will~

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I don’t want a girl that only keeps me on my toes but knocks me off of my feet, and no I’m not one of those guys if anything I too lazy or too terrified to move but how often do I see someone so beautiful? Looking Forward To Will.

Tuesday, December 4, 2018

Episode 170 ~Looking Forward To Will~

Dear Future Wife,
How To Make One Million Dollars, well probably ten million by this point (Thank You Jim Carrey) but wait how about One Hundred Million, I can keep going and how you know I can run. So I ask myself what was it about you… okay not just you, I tried frying bacon once, set off smoke detectors, I’ve had panic attacks at three different jobs, B III had a fever and hurt his leg, two separate occasions, I was scared, but I didn’t run away those times.

“Call It Courage” is more than a book I read once for school (decent enough), and speaking of school, maybe that was it, I was expected to stay put, I didn’t want to remember the past, the future always got worst but in the end, as the song goes, I’m Alive. Breathing is a good thing right but to keep you; it meant reading a cookbook, it was finding a way to listen to my calling, and knowing in my heart what I had to do. I still can’t cook much but more than tartar sauce, I couldn’t work retail, but my books are selling… and Triple B is going to live to ripe old age, seeing as how we gave him siblings and more comfy spots to consider always.

Like father like son, he looks forward to breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, to relaxing as I read, to the light outside so he can go for walks, four legs and makes it look effortless and here I have two and taking that first step towards you was probably the hardest thing ever. Then on the day, you became mine, your first step, your next, how many after that and you were here beside me, and I know, I say it over and over, I expect to see you go running away someday. Next thing I know the two of us are chasing six feet, who are probably hunting four paws as I speak, I’m sure B III wasn’t looking forward to this in senior years.

Still, I call it Puppy Love because the first time I saw you baby girl, I didn’t know how my legs worked, I longed to make you happy, to hear my name on your lips, would it take a hop, skip and a jump, would I step or would I leap? Do you know why dragons and knights fight; you’re no damsel in distress, my love; you’re my Girl On Fire, man, and beast envy that inferno in women but I’ve Got My Love To Keep Me Warm, so here I stand, and here I stay ha, your Will, my will, Looking Forward To Will?

I Will Have No Fear