Saga 278 ~Placed For B, Virgil~

What do you want to be when you grow up? Or who? I wanted to be Dennis Hof, and Braxton would be my Domino. I wouldn’t mind switching places with Johnny Sins. I want to write. Hell! To have a family. But where in this existence… Placed For B, Virgil.

Wednesday, March 29, 2023

Saga 278 ~Placed For B, Virgil~

Forgive Me, Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now. Because I want to build myself a world; belong to one. Or bring my Braxton back.

But there is no place for either one of us here. I found that out yet again yesterday. And all day today, I’ve been losing my effing mind thinking… What happens to Virgil if I leave in one way or another? Speaking of which, I need to set up his vet appointment after counting so much cash. I would have more if my place weren’t in this bedroom. Hell! I should appreciate it, right, Inspector? Again I was terrified today. Effing Day Job. Then again, don’t I belong in Hell? I murdered my son, for starters. (Sigh) Inspector. There’s a word for what I’ve done… euthanasia. A place for my GRIEF, Inspector. Books. And then there’s my FEAR, DEPRESSION, and my endless RAGE. Going nowhere

Monsters live in nightmares, which is why I’m always dreaming. I am an effing monster. But at least that means there’s somewhere to go. There’s nowhere to be, Inspector, as I lied here last night with another foot in my ass again. And yes, Inspector, it was a well-deserved kick, even if I don’t know the circumstances. So, when have I ever been told such? Anyway, I was reading. And the book, like many others, talked about Braxton living within. Fair enough. But I see where his bed has moved. Inspector, his pillow was destroyed. Who’s eating out of his bowls now? And sleeping by my side as he has nowhere to be now? And like Virgil, I find myself placed and displaced. Always, forever

Ask me where I want to be, and the answer is simple. I want to be with Braxton. One more reason I’m mad at Virgil. Not abusive, only angry. And that’s not his fault. More mine for my cowardice that I didn’t join B III when I had the chance. I’m not learning from history. Republican 101. Except I don’t have a chance in Hell. Of sleeping with Stormy Daniels. With the lack of funds, between ensuring Virgil doesn’t suffer, Braxton’s Barks final fate ha. There’s always Akane wa Tsumare Somerareru and Saimin Seishidou, Inspector. Inspector, I could be creating the world of my dreams. Being a family man, an effing pervert, an effing man. Braxton’s Father. Monster, Savage, Human, gone. Placed For B, Virgil

794 Days Without B III, Day 235 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 271 ~One B, Double V~

Double V victory abroad and at the house. The world kicks my ass daily, but I always return to B III. Now the world continues, and when I get back… Virgil is fighting his loneliness and the little he knows about the world. “One B, Double V”

Wednesday, March 29, 2023

Saga 271 ~One B, Double V~

Forgive Me, Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now. And even being wealthy enough to buy a time machine, I wouldn’t change Braxton’s name. Neo…

Once again, Inspector, you know how I am. When my Humiliations Galore pays a visit… I need my greatest pain. I need to go all Dido “that it’s not so bad. It’s not so bad.” Humiliations Galore are nothing to the simple truth that B, my perfect little boy, died. Only I didn’t know he was/is perfect at the time. If you had asked me, would I rather have a woman or my son… I’d never touch my dick again if you told me I could have my B III. In case you’re wondering why I’m calling you so late. “Don’t worry about a thing. Cause every little thing, gonna be all right,” as the song goes. I was all about Pop Culture yesterday too.

But besides all the Pop and thinking about my cock. Before talking to you, there were “People of Color.” I wonder did I pick that up in “A Black Women’s History of the United States.” Yes, Inspector, I read until I reached 75%. Tomorrow will be 90%, and Friday. But let’s stick with today and the fact that I couldn’t tell you what I retained (sigh). The GOP would be pleased. But still, I want to buy every book on African Americans and dead fur babies I can get my hands on. Even if I don’t remember a damn sentence. That’s the thing, Inspector; I would instead feel good over being smart. The Kindle Challenge? Finishing it is no accomplishment… But to win? Having that?

When I was in junior high. And then high school, there was a neighbor kid across the street, Inspector. He whipped my ass in Mario Kart every day. And do you know what I learned? Second place is okay. Now it’s not, but the fact remains I always settle Inspector. Again I can’t tell you anything about the book I’m reading but having fifteen bookmarks. I don’t want to think about love anymore. But I can do lust all day even if I’m not getting off ever. “I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad,” like the song says, and I can go and exist as such, I know. But Braxton to Virgil? Neither Virgil nor I want to be second. The fight to be. Him and I? One B, Double V

787 Days Without B III, Day 228 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 264 ~ Virgil’s Escape, Plan B~

I thought Virgil didn’t have initiative. He’s been sniffing at a gap in the fence after learning to navigate the stairs. I’ve taught him to run away. But for me, welcome to Hell. I know I’m not escaping and even fun things… “Virgil’s Escape, Plan B.”

Wednesday, March 22, 2023

Saga 264 ~ Virgil’s Escape, Plan B~

Forgive Me, Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I can afford to fix the fence. Virgil’s already sniffing around, looking to escape.

But of course, me being the selfish A-hole I am. Let’s talk about me and my plan B as in… Yeah, you guessed it. I want to be with my boy. I should have followed Braxton. Oh, how many days has it been? 780 days and counting, Inspector. All I do is count these days. Effing inventory! But that’s for another time. What was I doing Monday, March 20, 2023; well, after kicking Virgil out for some alone time. No, Echo, not to masturbate, thankfully. Only I did lie in bed naked and thought of something that hadn’t come to mind in so many years. I imagine it was during my religious phase. Or let’s say, um, spiritual… “Astral Projection.” And so I tried it.

I’m going to have to buy some new books on the subject. I’ve forgotten everything. Inspector, how books were once an escape from life. I can’t even do that anymore; reading anything I want? And don’t get me wrong. I’m not hating on current material. Monday, I’m reading “A Black Women’s History of the United States.” Sunday, was “Carry On: Reflections for a New Generation.” Before I read “How to Be an Antiracist” and “Mesmerizing Caroline – The Movie Theater.” Black skin, white titties. And to be honest with you, Inspector Echo, I want to read about more dead fur babies. But that’s not an escape. Is it? Ask me where I want to be; it’s simple. Holding breathing, Braxton. To escape my grief… NEVER.

Hell! I don’t even know where to run to anymore. “Run To You,” right, Inspector? Writing in general. I mean, I hate the Day Job. I wish to honor my son. I need a doctor. What about providing for the freeloader… um, Virgil. Again I also need a new fence. Letting Virgil escape? One way or another, he’ll end up in a box. Right beside my Braxton, won’t V? Funny he sleeps on the left side. So even now, Braxton is there looking over him. I’m not looking at other “boxes,” if you get my meaning. Pornography, effing no. Effing Republican, am I right? Keeping him away from XXX. But the gun’s in the drawer. Hedonism, Sadism, a release, escaping existence. Virgil’s Escape, Plan B.

780 Days Without B III, Day 221 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 084 ~See V, B Leaving~

Dreams are messages. What’s my latest dream/nightmare telling me? It didn’t even star my son but Virgil, but I had intense emotions as if it were B III. It’s been 600 days without him. He’s saying that’s enough. Heart hardening, etc. See V, B Leaving

Friday, September 23, 2022

Saga 084 ~See V, B Leaving~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now. So, I wonder, are there any machines that control dreaming? Dreams were pretty “intense” last night.

Shouldn’t I call them nightmares, then? Hell! Even dreams, I would say, are “good….” I always say everything I want is impossible, illegal, or insane. Add inane or inconsequential to the mix. I make everything about me, don’t I, ha. The eye in Will (sigh). But my dream was about Braxton. Only it starred Virgil. I haven’t distinguished the two. I should be reading more books on reincarnation and the like. Yet, I’ve been all in on “The Dog Under The Bed” series. Don’t I sound like a little boy? A fucking idiot! Uh, language. It’s not like I can cuss out my “father,” though. Humiliations Galore, where I lay my head, Sophia. And let’s not forget the Day Job and another manager. So dreaming…

I was right where I am now, in bed. The first thing that should have made me take notice of the dream was that Virgil was running down the stairs. He was in a rush to go out like Braxton once was. So why visit me in dreams? Again I never saw Braxton, only Virgil. Opening the door, Virgil rushed out and down the patio steps into the backyard. But then he was sniffing around like he was trying to find a way out. First, V jumped high and escaped. It was as if he was flying. Then the fence fell, and he got out again. A third time he slipped under the fence like he was a bit of slime or mold. Okay, no porn, please, fuck. My mind…

Each time I was able to capture him and bring him back. I don’t know how but I did it. After a while of this happening, there was commentary from a DJ, more like a podcast. You know I can’t stand podcasts… I think. Then there were these black kids watching. One goes, “I don’t like him,” about me, it was a little braided girl. Then I woke up. Before I started looking for that movie “Knock at the Cabin.” It’s the book “The Cabin at the End of the World.” Oh yeah, can’t forget the “Mold” porn. I’ve wanted to buy bricks and cinderblocks for the backyard. Making the house a prison? That’s how this existence feels. My personal Hell. See V, B Leaving

600 Days Without B III, Day 041 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 137 ~Victory Is Faster Than Escape~

So what did I win today? I didn’t get fired from a job I hate; my humiliations were kept small. Somebody got banned on my blog. I get to talk more about my dead son. This for sure ain’t winning, but where would I run? “Victory Is Faster Than Escape”

Monday, November 15, 2021

Chronicle 137 ~Victory Is Faster Than Escape~

Two-Hundred And Fourteenth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now, and money is the fastest way out of any situation. Well, a bullet, bucks, and, yeah, boobies.

I find the sandman can be as efficient as any hitman. He acts as quickly, at least because, as you can see, I’m still alive. I swear, J, if you told me I could close my eyes and never open them again… I’m not saying something STUPID like I love you, I’m not crazy either. Yeah, I keep telling myself that. Hell, I ain’t been right since Braxton died; I wasn’t right before that, but I at least had someone. I told Carolina Bound today, you know B III’s Aunt that it keeps piling up. All that pain, prose, and those penis-pumping wants. Is it any wonder I became a monk 288 Days ago? Victory, Escape, no Madam, I was defeated. Accept my unconditional surrender.

NaNoWriMo hasn’t defeated me yet, but I still lie my ass off every day. It’s like I’m some make-believe General and I would settle for that than what I’ve been. Today has been challenging, and what am I complaining about? Who am I complaining to; a better question, J? This Monday, I have yet to cross the point of no return regarding my writing. I even listened to some motivations, and I was getting revved up and then, of course, life. It seems that I and everyone else in my life are dreaming of a place to call home. Where’s that? Tell me where Braxton is and that I could follow him. B III fought hard just to get home. He’d want me to win.

The problem is to be a winner, I have to destroy the man he tried to save. Does that make any sense, Madam? How do they say you win some, you lose some, but you live. Talk to Braxton about his last fight. I had to destroy his father and become the freaking reaper J. I was telling Cherry this morning that a man provides for his family, and may I be such a man someday. I’ve often said that the epitome of manhood is not where you stick your dick but what happens after. Being a father, that’s me winning, success, victory. I would instead Take The Long Way Home. Braxton died at 15; I’m 37 and getting older. Victory Is Faster Than Escape

288 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 158 ~Will’s Keys To Heaven~

I didn’t die in Far Cry 5; I didn’t kill off Win William Bridgman. He did take an “arrow to the knee,” as is were… SPOILER ALERT ha. I haven’t escaped, though, still sitting here on the loveseat. Will’s Keys To Heaven yet I remain here

Sunday, December 6, 2020

Gospel 158 ~Will’s Keys To Heaven~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, but you must build “The Republic of Heaven” where you are. For there is no place else. I want you to remember that when I say I haven’t learned anything from books. This is from the novel “The Amber Spyglass,” you know. Speaking of which, you know the phrase when one door closes, another opens, or something like that? How about the one that says that any place you don’t leave is a prison. Today you imagine yourself to be parts Hamlet and Neo, hell even Agent.

“But they are the gatekeepers. They are guarding all the doors, they are holding all the keys. Which means that sooner or later, someone is going to have to fight them.” Morpheus – The Matrix (1999)

Classic and Pop Culture References… does that mean your mind is trapped or free? That’s what today is about, ESCAPE. I’ll admit I got a tiny bit of that with Far Cry 5. I told Lady Lu yesterday I might try a bit of hunting… Humans, the most dangerous game. I didn’t even die in-game… okay, once, but the computer teammate revived me. One more reason you’re not suicidal. If I can screw up so badly in a game, imagine trying such things in real life. You don’t want to think about real-life with this week and all, hmm? Not to get all political, but you know, “The American Dream” is outside your price range. You spent a few minutes in bed trying to remember was a Piggie Potato from “JNN” that damn good. Of course, your Wi-Fi still sucks, SIGH. But Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 005 No Fap)
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
    Failed
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published
    Failed
  4. I AM Winning NaNoWriMo With My Trilogy Finale “Sinning The Cherry On Top.”
    Completed
  5. I AM Writing A New TWD Guild Intro
    Failed
  6. I AM Finishing Succubus Lord 6
    Completed

Yeah, who needs Wi-Fi when I’m not doing most of these things. Again I completed NaNoWriMo, so you’re free of that. Shouldn’t you be editing it? I wrote the back cover and everything for it. Nothing is stopping you from posting it right here, worldwide? Considering most of your stories are about one thing, here’s another revelation I had. They’re about KEYS. Doors with beauty behind them. Places to keep secrets, chains to keep the beast at bay or to tease him mercilessly. Even a series with tools to breakout. Exciting stuff, but here’s the kicker. As I said above, you have all the power. And yet you remain here, and I ask why? Not like I’m doing any better, last night crawling along my belly like a slug. Let’s not ask why that or again these Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 005 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published
  4. I AM Editing Anything Of My Current Works
  5. I AM Writing A New TWD Guild Intro
  6. I AM Finishing The Christmas Pickup

What’s so impossible is asking you to be all “Piña Colada” by next week but ESCAPE? Will’s Keys To Heaven.

“You see, your fight for survival starts right now. You don’t want to be judged? You won’t be. You don’t think you’re strong enough? You are. You’re afraid. Don’t be. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight.” Dr. Vera Gorski – Sucker Punch (2011)

I Will Have No Fear

Log 320 ~The “Way Out” Will~

I and no good without my nap, but I have worse crimes, of course, and here I am plotting some sort of way out, or at least I hope so. How much is it going to cost me though $45 or more, hmm? The “Way Out” Will.

Saturday, May 16, 2020

Log 320 ~The “Way Out” Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but how? Now you know how I hate sounding like the President. There are plenty of ways I would like this period in history to end though I lack the “liberty” to share them. Besides, we should talk about me and How’s It Going To End?

Should we talk about Thursday, seeing as how it’s Wednesday now? You’re seeing this as Saturday, though. The wonders of Time-Travel. Chances are I ain’t no fortunate son. Yeah, still at the Day Job and next week; there’s no end looks like. When’s the last time I finished a video game? Far Cry 5, NOPE, Heavy Rain, negative, Call me a Legend, are you serious with my little virtual harem? I know Lady Luna, but what was I doing in the shower? I see all my secrets coming to light, losing the social life that I do have, or being oh so sorry. Again there might not be an end, only repeating everything over and over. I’m sorry if I sound down, but this is what happens when I don’t get my afternoon nap. You know I still hate waking up early, and for what?

If there is an end, I hope it’s not like my books, me breaking, or a bunch of lost bucks. The emptiness Lady Luna, that’s the only way I can describe it. It feels so good, but then there’s only okay, and what do I have to show for it. 50,000 words, a clear mind for a few hours, or making some pretty girl happy. That’s what I have been sitting here contemplating. $45 to become a Patron. I only now got the Day Job back, and today I want to spend money, quick escape.

No Lady Lu, I’m talking to you because as the song goes, I’m Gonna Be Somebody. Funny, I use the song from Police Academy, and how often do I break the law? Yeah, I’m not behind bars… been there done that when I was in juvenile detention. It’s not like Coronavirus (COVID-19) did a number on me. Other than a bunch of new rules, and yes, I’m still mad at Academy Sports + Outdoors. I don’t let go of anything, right? My way out is with Bucks, Babes, and let’s say Biology for now, hmm?

So how to obtain those things, The “Way Out” Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 281 ~Fight Or Flight, Your Choice~

At the Day Job, what’s wrong with “being,” if I had anywhere else to go; if my motivations, mentors, and musings agree on anything at all it would be that I have to Fly Away, Run Boy Run, hey, hey I want to be a Rockstar. Fight Or Flight, Your Choice

Monday, April 8, 2019

Episode 281 ~Fight Or Flight, Your Choice~

Eightieth Rule Madam Justice

How To Make One Million Dollars, or with my current way of thinking, what will I do with the money? During my Meditation today, I imagined a vast yard for B III to play in, cut to a negative thought. A pool but I was more worried about him, the plights of a father isn’t that right? Also, can’t wait for this next season of Cobra Kai and so I envisioned my dojo. Only for me, I’m nobody’s sensei, and words are my way of fighting back. Still, I took Karate when I was younger. “I know Kung-Fu” as Neo put it, just positive vibes, and Best of the Best.

Such dreams take money Madam Justice, and these pages I write will be the beginnings of my wings. They will be my escape, and you know besides having a motivational kick. Now that is an excellent way to put, with words time flies. You’ve heard me talk enough about the “white room.” Living in stories I read, the novels I write, and most days TV serves as white noise. Only the tales will soon turn green with money giving me the strength to fly higher. Now I’ve never imagined myself the hero, but a protector of what belongs to me. My son, women, and yes we all have things we value. However to keep Triple B wrapped in comfort, to make women’s clothes fly off their bodies. To be careful with all that I possess?

I thought that fighting was the only way. That it makes one strong and make no mistake, I will. See something my father taught me inadvertently was that HATE is a DEATH SENTENCE. Now, who for, is up to you, but when I stand, I don’t fight to fight. No Madam Justice as Bill told Beatrix “I’m calling you a killer. A natural born killer” and I don’t want to. I am no coward but if I can run to preserve life isn’t that preferable? Call me a pervert, skeevy, ugly, a freak but STUPID that’s the doomsday device. To me that is betrayal, that’s circle nine Treachery. The worse crimes you could ever commit: One is the destruction of the soul, two would be the taking of life. As for Number Three, in any case, the ignorance of evil.

Don’t get me started on the Pro-Life vs. Pro-Choice Debate. For the record I’m Pro-Choice. Only when you make it so a person would rather die than exist, that’s destroying a soul. Oh, and when I say taking a life, I mean that of the innocent. Madam Justice sigh like Negan said “I like killing people…” okay I’m losing track. Ahem fight or flight, why is there a need for one or the other. Yes, it’s because the world is how it is these days.

Seek out a kingdom worthy of your soul and when one loses theirs? That’s why some dream of Heaven. Others lock themselves in Hell but remember to keep the key. Brothels, love hotels, movie studio; Fight Or Flight, Your Choice.
I Will Have No Fear

Episode 034 ~Getting Behind The Will~

Last week it was getting out of bed, and this week it was getting behind the wheel, and there is no time for baby steps, I’ve run like a madman for most of my life, and I would take an “ACME” rocket despite the consequences. “Getting Behind The Will”

Saturday, August 4, 2018

Episode 034 ~Getting Behind The Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
Give Me One Reason to not turn around other than my past, because to quote another song; my future is coming on, and as fast as I might run I am in no hurry to go and catch it. You know how all these motivational studies of mine talk about purpose and why, like learning how to drive I just wanted to go faster, I need to escape, if anything I want to know a place where I will never be afraid.

The thing is Lady Luna there is no such place and not to sound like Trump or anything but as long as there’s air, no wonder the man wants to destroy the planet, my aunt said I wanted the same thing, but I saw no profit in it. There are days when I think that people can be okay and days when I believe a psychopath, a plague or purge is what the doctor ordered like yesterday, Master Yoda is right. Between being in line at Starbucks, driving, and Walmart, the one thing that was constant was the fear and rage threatening to swallow me.

“Behind every fear is a person you want to be. Fear is self-imposed, meaning it doesn’t exist. You create it. You can destroy it too. You face your fears and become the person you want to be. You run from your fears; you’re not living.” Greg Plitt 1977 – 2015

What a monster I must be not to want to go forward and face myself and what a coward I am for not wanting to turn around, but this isn’t a conversation for us, “I just want to know why” as the song goes. I could go on forever and a day about fear and my rage, again driving my car or getting to the library late, anxiety and Z Nation, what was that I said about a plague? All I know was yesterday I was in my car, listening to my affirmations and somebody started honking at me and first came fear, then “GTA Motherf*****” in less than a minute and change.

I’m not selfish enough, you heard me right, my life is spent learning about everything in this world so I might survive it and I don’t know anything about the survivor, the Man In The Mirror, the man behind the wheel, or before the keyboard. There are so many mirrors in a car, and I only need to avoid one, the vanity, the rest are showing me what to evade, I drive to the library to see who I might be, the day-job to know who I hate, just saying.

You know what they have in common, they keep me from being stuck but aren’t I always, what hurts more the mirror, the reflection in my dog’s eyes knowing he feels such love (wishful thinking) I hear that man say come and Find Me. That man might Hurt Somebody, yes I know “The Darkest Minds” which was perhaps the highlight of my week, maybe one day taking a Drive won’t be an escape until then Lu, Getting Behind The Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 026 ~The Will To Escape~

Last week around this same time I was celebrating my escape from the norm, and today I feel as though I’m institutionalized wanting to get back into my story and at the same time committing the crime of doing everything else. The Will To Escape.

Friday, July 27, 2018

Episode 026 ~The Will To Escape~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Give Me One Reason to stay here as the song goes, maybe it’s the fact that people know they’re supposed to be quiet, unlike the movies I can get a good eight hours in, instead of a brief respite, or maybe it’s the fact that the library is becoming my gym. The sad part is today, I’ve been here since nearly ten, and I’ve used everything I can to avoid doing any real writing (Emails); for the second day in a row I’ve woken up early and fallen back asleep and why?

No excuses Lady Sophia, I’m tired, maybe I’m mad as Hell, and it’s not as if I don’t want to do this, I wouldn’t be here otherwise, and it could be plenty of other things to be sure, but the thing is I want to escape. Yesterday I was at the store, and when I was getting out of my car, this group of black teenagers was walking by, and they burst out laughing at me, and for a split second, I was that loser I once was back in school. The thing is I raised my head up, I didn’t run, put up my hoody, plug in my earphones or anything I kept walking and was pretty damn anxious to fight, but I wanted to, I should have… NO?

How many times have I said, I don’t grow, and maybe it’s not because I can’t afford a wardrobe but presumedly because I’ve become used to hiding, to make myself small, keeping my mouth shut to avoid offending anybody but I do that anyway with my writing? It’s people’s fault, as I said, I have my hood, my earphones, books, everything to avoid people but they don’t like the reminder of their insignificance to the rest of us, and this whole world is like a prison. So I resort to solitary confinement, my “white room” in writing which is my escape from the world and now I realize maybe escape isn’t the goal that I’m looking for dear Lady Sophia.

Like yesterday not with the teens but when one of the clerks overcharged me, and I walked back in there and got my money back, I want to bring the damn ruckus, but at this point, I’m empty still; I meant to get a shrimp dinner but settled on a burger. I didn’t want to deal with any more people yesterday, and now today I’m only mad at myself and yes call me a hypocrite because if I’m going to bring the noise to everyone else, I’m Will and truth is The Will To Escape.

I Will Have No Fear