Tag: Honesty

Lesson 318 ~Can Pencil You In~

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Homework I could see myself getting into, I can’t remember anything of Algebra which means any future kids of mine will either be super smart with their mother or might need a tutor but anyone learning to love… “Can Pencil You In”

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Lesson 318 ~Can Pencil You In~

Dear Future Wife,
Can You Love Me Again, even if I don’t know the right answer, understand the question or I tend never to give up, I suppose you might also call it a bad habit? In school my favorite subject was history, and now here we are making history as there’s never been a love like this, don’t I think highly of myself, of us, nothing people will ever write a book about but don’t I try plenty though.

Not in a foreign language though, I failed French, wanted to learn Japanese, and while we both hate Trump I can’t say I’m a fan of Spanish, Mexican people are great and maybe I figured I would have to travel the world to find you. It also explains why I didn’t do so well in Geography either; so lost without my phone, my music, and of course Lost Without You. I thought I never would which leads me to Reading. I lost myself in books, where I imagined that you and I were together, but I was never the right guy, from Young Adult Novels to Dark Erotica as you can tell from the library, and I was so busy avoiding everything else, just saying.

I created stories, wrote poems, even a song here or there inspiring me in what you would indeed be like and for a man that didn’t do well in languages, English wasn’t my strong point either. Honestly, you were more like Math but then explain to me why I love you so and I hated numbers; I would write the problem, again and again, thinking, maybe one day I would get it and “then there she was” there you were. For all the things I was supposed to be learning, and all the teachers I’ve had in the end and I honestly did have some memorable teachers but it was man’s best friend my first born four legs and all, and you my beautiful wife, who taught me the best.

“I’m not a smart man… but I know what love is.” ― Forrest Gump (1994)

“We Found Love in a hopeless place” okay maybe life isn’t but I sure was a hopeless romantic, and with all the things I’ve “learned.” How to truly love another person, how to be the better man, the man I wanted to be, the man I have to be, I must be a genius. I still don’t think it was God, but somehow, someway I found a tutor for this thing called life. If living without you was Math, then living with you it’s like learning how to write finally, to once and for all answering one plus one or two plus two, thank you, Winston Smith and Captain Picard.

Yeah, I’ve learned plenty being a fanboy but being a husband, a lover, a father, well “I Want To Know What Love Is” so as you “Close Your Eyes And Wander” in dreams my love, tomorrow morning and forever maybe I Can Pencil You In.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 317 ~Why Kill Yourself For Anyone~

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One of the earlier rules or questions and not in the top ten, so life may be getting better and before anyone panics because of this day and age we live in, I’m okay, my biggest worry is the stir my past will cause. Why Kill Yourself For Anyone.

Monday, May 14, 2018

Lesson 317 ~Why Kill Yourself For Anyone~

Thirty-Second Rule Madam Justice

Can You Love Me Again, after you’ve seen my darkness and so you know I feel somewhat okay, I’m always partly suicidal; if I had a button that could end it all, today it would be in the closet but anyway I look at this rule three ways just saying.

If you ever asked me one reason as to why I would want to kill myself… my father point blank period, one word from him and I feel like the stupidest, most pathetic and worthless cretin to ever walk the planet. Rape, Madam Justice is perhaps the most horrific crime that can be inflicted on a person and one day I will discuss my “Ravishment” fetish but the idea that you can take not someone’s body but their soul, and kill it. In the end, this is all about me, but I can blame school, religion, the bitch, women the list goes on but the first time I ever tried to OD on sleeping pills it was my father. Only surviving I suppose is the biggest F* U I can give him, “Who Made Who?”

Now being a man I’m also an idiot thinking I can buy a woman perhaps… I went on a pornstar’s wish list once buying her stuff and tell me what did I think that would accomplish? Hell pretty much all of humanity’s achievements have been fixated on the idea of men trying to get laid and what about women, what do women want, I bought a book on the subject; and how many stupid things have I done over the years for a woman? Where the bitch was blip once upon a time, my whole blog became about confession, shame, a history lesson and we’re three hundred and seventeen posts in with others I ask myself why do I keep writing… hmm, I don’t know.

“Who the hell are you? You’d would have done better with “Bitch, get in the car.” ― Bad Company (2002)

Speaking of which, who am I, most attention I got… I starved myself for three days and gave the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline my zip code, had the cops and paramedics nearly knocking my father’s door down. For the record I despise the Lifeline, I almost killed myself and lost everything in a night because my father didn’t give a shit. Long story but anyway if I died nobody would care and I refuse to have my life’s work securitized, misinterpreted, destroyed or making that ass clown rich. I don’t hurt people as much as I would like to, zombies, purge, what have you but I don’t owe any favors… well many favors and who knows maybe I want to torture myself, a damn sadist in the bedroom and a masochist in my everyday life.

No Madam Justice nobody is worth it, though I would die to protect my dog, both he and my father know this, and maybe one day I’ll find someone worth my life, but for now, Why Kill Yourself For Anyone.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 316 ~A Simful Kinda Life~

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No one understands The Sims language, and I barely recognize myself from time to time, go to work, survive, work more, squeeze in a bit of fun, sleep, repeat, just trying to keep the balance and praying nothing unforeseen happens. A Simful Kinda Life

Sunday, May 13, 2018

Lesson 316 ~A Simful Kinda Life~

To Will:
Can You Love Me Again, I think we should skip to the next question don’t you think and that’s how you are going to survive this week and for once I’m not talking about food. I know you wish things could be ever so simple like “The Sims,” isn’t it a sad state of affairs when what was once your virtual life was living better than you ever have in the real world but those six impossible things:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 57* No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
Completed (Day 64* No Fap)
2. I Will Be The Friend My Dog Deserves
Completed
3. I Will Edit At Least Two More Chapters Of My Novel
Partial Completion (Didn’t Read Out Loud)
4. I Will Complete 75% Of The Maiden
Completed
5. I Will Post A Review For VLAD
Completed
6. I Will Clean The House Before The Maid Comes Around
Completed

When you’re too busy being successful and getting things done you don’t have time to worry is something you’ll come to discover, right now you remember my slight indiscretion, but it’s only Facebook. How about my utter failure when it came to below the belt, for all intents and purposes I kept it in my pants and you should too but stress cries out for release, and maybe a video game would be just the thing if you weren’t busy. We never know what’s going to happen, the dog was two seconds away from losing his dad in a wreck, Walmart gave me a bag full of the wrong stuff and I know I’m just putting pressure on you Will.

“Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.” ― Tom Hanks, Forrest Gump (1994)

What about the plans I had for my first poetry book, and now you have to pick up the pace just in case, but if yesterday taught me anything well, you don’t know, and there’s a song all about that “Don’t Worry Be Happy.” Don’t you have to keep Sims happy, and that’s when all of their needs are finding satisfaction, so why aren’t you happy yet, well other than the lack of human company and again, you shouldn’t be worried about tomorrow. You shouldn’t be worried about other people for that matter, though remember to wish your mother a Happy Mother’s Day, but as that will be taken care of here’s another six impossible things for you to consider:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 64* No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
2. I Will Be The Friend My Dog Deserves
3. I Will Edit At Least Three More Chapters Of My Novel
4. I Will Complete “The Maiden” by Celia Aaron
5. I Will Post A Review For Avengers: Infinity War
6. I Will Edit Thirty-Four Poems (Poetry Book)

You have to think big, that is the point of The Sims after all, and if it’s not a family or some grand expansion on this place, I know you honestly want more, fewer worries or fewer distractions because what have you been doing for almost two hours? Take some advice from Tony Montana, I would say listen to The Sims, but you can never understand them any way right?

“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” ― Tony Montana, Scarface (1983)

If it works in a game, why can’t it work for you; because life isn’t a game, considering we hate nearly all sports and suck at academia, you need to win something, let it be life, A Simful Kinda Life.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 312 ~Like A Light Switch~

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I wish happiness were as easy to turn on like everything else in my life, hell like myself in some cases but while I’m avoiding some things, let’s hope a smile will not be my undoing. “Like A Light Switch”

Wednesday, May 9, 2018

Lesson 312 ~Like A Light Switch~

Forgive Me Echo,
Can You Love Me Again, yeah like I once loved HBO, Showtime, Cinemax, or those afternoons watching “Toonami” or staying up late to watch *gasp* Adult Swim, such were the days before the Internet for me? If I never told you the story before about how I discovered “Hentai” I got two words for you… “Tenchi Muyo!” and just like that, you may bring on the darkness.

So what exactly is today’s sin, maybe it’s a loss of control, I did something today, and it’s one thing when you sin without forethought but to do so when you have experience and those who don’t learn from history… I suppose I am feeling quite blessed today but I swear to you here and now it will go no further on my part, yeah and every “aficionado” says they’re going to kick and what happens next? Is it fair to call me an addict and to be honest I don’t know why I stopped, though am I seeing any benefit; I might have been smart enough to steer clear.

“Never trust a big butt and smile” Bell Biv Devoe

On the other hand, I found something stronger than terror and forgive me for embracing fear, but it keeps you alive, and I don’t even know why I’m stressing, I was yesterday, and here I am today. What about this, the boldness, the daring, the audacity to call myself a dominant when I can’t do something as simple as making friends and especially at such a fragile time in my life. Disappointing as well as tomorrow you know who is coming by and if nothing happens then I have squandered my opportunity, and I won’t be able to make another move, my hands will be tied; instead of hers right…

“Rule number 32: Enjoy the little things.” ― Zombieland (2009)

Aren’t my hands tied already or sleeping like the rest of me because it’s the only way I can find to stop worrying but then again, remember, remember, the fifth of November, almost the same circumstances though I’m not that far gone. Was I practicing self-abstinence then too; if anything I feel somewhat like a kid again when my “adult entertainment” consisted of a binder full of porn and sneaking past library internet safety guidelines.

So will you forgive me Inspector Echo, for the misguided youngster I once was, the stress of youth desired, remembered, and history ignored, my addiction to beautiful women, or calling myself a dominant and my pursuit of the perfect submissive; turned on so casually I’ll say Like A Light Switch?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 311 ~Want It That Way~

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How many ways can someone say those “three little words,” and in how many different ways, so many others seem so much better at it, and when it comes from me, it’s me saying it but can I be more? Want It That Way, if I could?

Tuesday, May 8, 2018

Lesson 311 ~Want It That Way~

Dear Future Wife,
Can You Love Me Again, as if you ever stopped or would, and “I Swear” and not “By the moon and the stars in the skies” or shall I quote the bard:

“O, swear not by the moon, the’ inconstant moon,
That monthly changes in her circle orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise variable.” William Shakespeare

My love threatens to consume me, to hold me to this place that is by your side and yet grows to everlasting and so I’m always searching, reaching, and chasing after you, “Hanging By A Moment” okay, and now I will put down my phone.

To think I would have you love the world before me or if I loved myself the way you love me, I’ve become a broken record, a remix, it might be downright theft, but it only reminds me of the day we first met. The man I was before then became lost to better words, ideas, images, not that I could ever lie to you, no I wanted the distance, not that I feared you either, so was it the chase? Here I thought I was the one to do that and maybe that’s why only now I’m starting to catch up because I wasn’t running towards you, I was running away, waiting until I was sure; takes a lot.

“I just, I know we don’t know each other all that well or anything.
But circumstances are making it, so we’re all getting kind of close in here.
You know? So don’t let me run, OK?”

“OK” ― Containment 1×04

Seems dumb I know so far into marriage, how long has it been, how many kids, my dog getting old in the tooth but what am I not sure of after all this time. What reason do I have to doubt the woman who has stood beside me, shares my bed, and who has given love meaning? How can I challenge the man I am today that’s somehow managed to accomplish this, to live “The Impossible Dream” to be more than an “Escape” … see I’m still copying what am I trying to say in my words, my dearest love?

I love you… I can say that forever, and a day only I always want more, if I were a man of faith, I would say I’m reaching out to God to thank him for you, but I would go to Hell happily “For The Love Of You,” “My Goddess.” Yes take my hands in yours, make me forget to think of anything or anyone but you and I here and this will be enough, my gift, the man that disappeared so many years ago, his story every last word; you’re making it all possible.

So before I break into the Backstreet Boys, Sam Smith, or croon “Let My Baby Stay” speaking only as your husband, your love, take all the time you need to love me now, then, and in the future and know I Want It That Way.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 310 ~ You Must Always Live Brave~

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Another lesson on fear where I should find the courage to live and I may have done so when I was but a child but with age has come a plethora of bad experiences and I’ve been down this road before. You Must Always Live Brave.

Monday, May 07, 2018

Lesson 310 ~ You Must Always Live Brave~

Thirty-First Rule Madam Justice

Can You Love Me Again, did you love me before and now you’re so afraid of losing me that anyone else can be sacrificed only to keep me safe, but how shall I ever learn to become brave? How do I even define brave, you know what would have been brave today, talking to a pretty brunette, looking a man in the eye, hell maybe speaking a little bit louder, I swear these words.

As I said before courage is merely the acceptance of fear and doing what you wish, fear is a virus and courage found and practiced daily, but some days I guess I don’t and when you miss a day… That’s why I’m always telling myself to get out, to do things that make me afraid so I must be brave yet how foolish is that to seek out fear, “Remember What Fear Taste Like.” Is it not courageous though to face down the monster that I’m always called, to learn from experience and know I am a better man because when has such ideology ever helped me in the end?

Women *sigh* at the end of the day, however, I justify them I can still call it fear, but not when I find myself in pieces, and then that’s not fear at all, that’s actual danger. Nevertheless, that must be faced down. No, I take that back, you must face it head-on but what happens after that Madam Justice, fear not being equal to danger, but I get fired, I get in a fight, people think this or that of me? What about at this particular moment, what would a brave man do, what would an intelligent man do, see that’s the thing I can’t be either because for me the rule is more often you must always survive afraid.

I want to live Madam Justice honest I do, and it’s always once I have power, once I have nothing to lose, which of course is impossible, and in this situation, I stand to lose everything. It won’t be the first rule I’ve broken, and it won’t be the last… am I saying I’m giving up; Madam Justice tell me how, is it not brave to be myself even if that man is a sniveling coward, at least I survive?

One day though, I promise you, if I ever touch life, I won’t let it go and then my friend You Must Always Live Brave.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 309 ~My Pod, My Pod~

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Dreaming my life away on beautiful women, either some hot acquaintance, my NEW Pinterest boards, or my writing, and notice how no one says it’s hip to be round or rectangular, think outside the box maybe. My Pod, My Pod, not a fan of Tide, or Alabama

Sunday, May 6, 2018

Lesson 309 ~My Pod, My Pod~

To Will:
Can you love me again, for once you’re out of bed, which in itself is a small miracle and it turns out you weren’t living Avengers: Infinity War, which wouldn’t be so terrible would it? Dreams are messages and the last vision you had predicted you would have trouble at work and you couldn’t remember what you said or did because that’s just it, you didn’t do anything.

This dream though, a vision so real you honestly had to check out Facebook to see if the woman was still around and why her at all, hot MILF but no chance in Hell and you’re still not the hero. Spent the rest of the night feeling like you were letting her down but sleep overwhelmed you as it does mostly during the day; the dream could have been about building a life, I mean you have a job *cough* part-time *cough*. You have a child, on four legs, you’re a writer, which you haven’t been doing a lot of lately; six impossible things anyone:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 50 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
Completed (Day 57 No Fap*) Wet Dream
2. I Will Be The Friend My Dog Deserves
Failed
3. I Will Edit At Least One More Chapter Of My Novel
Failed
4. I Will Complete 100% Of VLAD
Completed, “The Maiden (The Cloister Book 1) Celia Aaron
5. I Will Post A Review
Failed
6. I Will Find Something That Makes Me Courageous
Failed

It’s a bit late in the game to say you’re behaving like a teenager who happens to be on Tide Pods, besides you already did your laundry, keeping busy because you aren’t getting busy and still disappointed about that wet dream. How about this theory that you’re trying to keep yourself boxed in or maybe you’re not truly living, and you’re already dead residing on YouTube, Pinterest, and Instagram. Perhaps it’s just another great story idea and how many times do I have to tell you, like old times, stories are problems and editing is the solution and so what ends up back on the list for six impossible things:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 57* No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
2. I Will Be The Friend My Dog Deserves
3. I Will Edit At Least Two More Chapters Of My Novel
4. I Will Complete 75% Of The Maiden
5. I Will Post A Review For VLAD
6. I Will Clean The House Before The Maid Comes Around

Yes, number six makes you an idiot but baby steps and OCD, trying to box in your crazy as well, depression, OCD, suicidal tendencies… no death talk but boxes can be different between, pods, coffins, books, smartphones, more rectangular but as the song goes “It’s Hip To Be Square.” There are so many variables, writing like this always makes you settle down and focus and is there anything wrong with that; have you seen your bank balance lately, so yeah you need to work Will.

Now you’ll probably tell Lady Sophia this too but lest we forget, imagine people trapped in a room about to be crushed by pods that carry people who control the Internet, one weird ass dream, thinking outside the box and still My Pod, My Pod.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 305 ~Chicken Crossed The Road~

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I never drive far, hell everything I need is around the corner, movies, restaurants, two different vets, I could walk to work, Walmart, and besides no strip clubs, the internet takes care of that along with Amazon shopping. “Chicken Crossed The Road”

Wednesday, May 2, 2018

Lesson 305 ~Chicken Crossed The Road~

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am Not Fine Today but less crazy, or at least I think I am and I am sorry if you’ve heard this story before, but I once heard that Hell is repetition, only this is one of the few times I didn’t get lost actually. Should I start with the fact that I wasted two hours of my life; hell I am killing time every day but this was like Nascar which I have never understood, going around and circles and for what, most get nothing.

At least I got a lesson out of the deal, something I should have known a long time ago and the closest I got to “stalking.” As you know my old car sucks but I started talking to this girl, and as she was adequately inebriated she asked could I pick her up one night. Cowardice or good sense I didn’t, but she told me where she lived and willing to risk getting stuck because of some girl, one morning I drove over merely as a test to whether I could make it there at all. How to say, the gesture was not well received, and I haven’t texted or been out that way again and with such a lesson did I grow as a person… episode 305 Inspector Justice I’m still an idiot honestly.

A joke why did the chicken cross the road, because here I am again contemplating “Indiana Gone” who has been to my place on many occasions and then she moved away, and now she wants me to visit her, but of course she hasn’t given me her address. How about the fact that I didn’t trust my old car to do anything when I needed it most especially when it comes to some girl not that I have faith in me with the new car. Last but not least what about the “bitch,” now that does make me sound scary doesn’t it, but I have never dreamed of going out that way, but of course I was already, creepy, skeeve, stalker, according to her blog.

Should you forgive me Inspector Echo for being a chicken that likes his side of the road just fine or for crossing and getting fried because I’m going to Hell aren’t I, and maybe it’s better I feel like chicken tonight or this afternoon. Forgive me Echo for not finding some Holy Grail, and I suppose my princess is in another castle which worked for Mario but he was no chicken, but as for me *sigh* Chicken Crossed The Road.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 304 ~Can’t Buy Me, Love~

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Maybe I shouldn’t work so hard after all I have all I need. Only you’re a gift and why do I continue to try to wrap you up, I’m not “Cyrano de Bergerac,” not anymore. What about a library, I can love books and you. “Can’t Buy Me, Love”

Tuesday, May 1, 2018

Lesson 304 ~Can’t Buy Me, Love~

Dear Future Wife,
I Am Not Fine Today; I’m a traditionalist, I’m classic, flowers and candy, oaths of love and sometimes I regret there are no dragons to fight… not a Game of Thrones fan but we can sit here and watch The Walking Dead or Into The Badlands. How much is it I wonder to get into Walker Stalker or to buy costumes, I mean real outfits and not what’s already in the closet.

Now allow me to sound cliché when you ask me what I want, and I answer “All I Want Is You, ask me what I need and “All You Need Is Love” but you want to know really, you roll your eyes at me which brings out my Christian Grey. No not his budget which never mattered to you, but what do women want, and I would say everything, and in one way this fits us perfectly. You may not want it or need it and my dear I already have it in you but can you knock me for trying, blame the knights of old, those princes in the fairytales, or blame Tony Montana.

“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” ― Tony Montana, Scarface (1983)

Every day I ask how I got so lucky that I met a woman that appreciates terrific cinema, and classic ideas, not conservative as we have so much love to give and maybe that’s why I feel this need to have more. “Baby, I’m Yours,” and you’re mine but am I so hungry, so selfish for you that I need to hoard every one of your smiles. Every idea, your eyes in the mirror, because it gives me a reason to smile, another beat of my heart when it’s not skipping, every breath in this body. A guy could save the world just for the honor, the pleasure of being right here with you, and still, I would give you the stars if they weren’t in your eyes. The moon if you weren’t so high above me, and the planets, well I already have Venus my goddess of love Aphrodite.

Would you stop me from building you a library, from turning our home into a garden, how about having a house at all, a castle, a vault, somewhere to keep “my favorite, favorite thing” your heart? I must be on my way to Hell with how I want to long for you, my greed for you, wanting to lie here with you and never leave. How I’m so proud to call you mine, how envious that I want the world to know you and then no, not to mention a ton of other sins and maybe that’s why I don’t get religion, speaking of blasphemy…

Why would I await treasure in Heaven, I found you angel, and that’s enough, no one else, not even God itself gets me, you love are priceless and timeless to me, Can’t Buy Me, Love.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 303 ~Remember What Fear Taste Like~

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I can’t describe it, and I could be just like everybody trembling, sweating, wanting to shut my eyes but then how would I ever make it through my day; if you only knew everything that scares me. Remember What Fear Taste Like.

Monday, April 30, 2018

Lesson 303 ~Remember What Fear Taste Like~

Thirtieth Rule Madam Justice

I Am Not Fine Today, but at least I’m not scared… entirely, because fear is a sickness; in the Bible, it says something to the tune of all have sinned but that’s not true, why should I have to pay for the first man that messed up? Fear, on the other hand, children aren’t born with that, this world infects them, and as far as a cure, there is none, no not one, if anything we can only become stronger.

We seek out fear to endure a greater one or maybe that’s just me, so I never forget the need, or the taste, as they say, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger or what doesn’t kill you had better start running. Nine times out of ten we fear things that could never conceivably hurt us, I could go all political and talk about this country’s fear of black men and why it’s us that should be afraid. I could also tell you about how many people are scared of me, why else would I think of myself as a monster, the “boy” with his head down, keeping to himself, who scares pretty girls with handwritten sentiments, who only needs enough strength to stand today.

“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity Kitai. Do not misunderstand me, danger is very real, but fear is a choice. We are all telling ourselves a story and that day mine changed.” Cypher Raige ― After Earth

Fear is a choice Madam Justice, but like hate, there’s too damn much of it always, so what if I had the strength to stop being afraid there would still be those that fear me for being what I am. If I choose to be frightened those same people will wonder why I am terrified, with everything that I could be fearful of, a pretty girl at Walmart shouldn’t be one, a stupid bitch with a blog shouldn’t matter, the terror of losing my job. Why not become my father, who’s so afraid he allowed anger, rage, hate to consume him, Hell itself follows him but then again I usually give into lust, and that makes me even scarier right?

Courage, of course, is not the defeat of fear but merely it’s acceptance, what about power, will; dare I say, love, I’m almost tempted to say fear might be the highest power. I’ll even admit I like the look on a girl’s face in certain situations; fear can keep you awake. Of all the rules that I have this one is probably the easiest to adhere to every day sadly, Remember What Fear Taste Like.

I Will Have No Fear