Tag: Marquis de Joker

Gospel 315 ~A Mom’s B Leaving~

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Once in my life, I wanted to be a fighter pilot. Not really to serve but “reasons.” I don’t blame people for not counting on me. I can’t trust myself. But to not be a good enough son or especially a father because I’ll “F Up.” A Mom’s B Leaving.

Wednesday, May 12, 2021

Gospel 315 ~A Mom’s B Leaving~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I know it won’t be because of puns. Hell, I’ll take care of my mom.

Did that sound “sinister,” Inspector? You know what I mean, but I wasn’t even able to look after B III. It’s why he’s on the nightstand and not on the bed. I was saying today, May 8… yes, it’s going to be a bad week; I was thinking of that song “You Were Loved,” yep. Like mother like son, I guess. My Ma’s a big fan of Whitney Houston. While I can’t say I am, this song has made it onto my playlist for B III. Well, that is until the fucking ASM took it away from me. Should I be ashamed I’m still going on about that meathead bastard? Anyway, there is one verse that keeps playing between Charlie Brown’s language and my RAGE.

“When somebody cares that you’re alive
When somebody trusts you with their life.”
You Were Loved by Whitney Houston

My Ma doesn’t trust me. I’m always one to be direct, like saying I killed Braxton. Let me share a story with you. One night, still living with My Olds in my late twenties… another part of my shame? Okay, it’s late enough that Braxton stayed within his comfy spot. Strangely enough, my Ma comes downstairs and leaves. She didn’t say a word, only she hopped in the car and drove away. I figured something happened to my “father’s” truck, and she went to pick him up or something. In the morning, I found out she thought she was having a heart attack and drove to the nearby fire station for help. She could have died, but she didn’t trust me enough to say “HELP.”

Now I could play it as her wanting to protect me. A mother protects her kids, and she didn’t want me to see her like that. But something happened at the Day Job, and um, I have two words for you “short bus.” We’ll get into that at some point, but yep Ma and B. Ma knew I’d fuck up.

Does Braxton feel the same way? Every Wednesday, I remember him crying, and I ignored him, and come Thursday, it was as if he’d gotten over it. I have admired his strength over those last days, but no Inspector Echo. He knew his Daddy couldn’t make it better, but he had to save himself. Braxton didn’t fail; I did. Fuck up. A Mom’s B Leaving

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 312 ~Mother’s Work B Grinning~

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Not exactly what you want to hear on Mother’s Day. I mean, I love my Ma. Braxton loved grandmommy and his second mom. I never met his first one, but to give birth to such a soul as B III… Mother’s Work B Grinning; did B find her on the Rainbow Bridge

Sunday, May 9, 2021

Gospel 312 ~Mother’s Work B Grinning~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now. Even if you get on my level, you can’t turn back time. Never met Braxton’s furry mom.

No, today is the day for B III’s first mom, aka your sister. She’s got two kids now, but first came Braxton. I liked to think that you’ve grown beyond grading mothers on everything. You can’t say much about your sis other than your nephews are happy; um, judgy much? Anyway, when it came to Braxton, she was pretty protective and demanding. With everything your “father” has dinged you on, he only ever came down on her because of B.

The days when B had to make a decision on who he would stay with. Yep, he left Sis’s nest. Or maybe he felt I needed more protection. Didn’t I say yesterday Mother is God in a child’s eyes? You’re a TITAN… Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Succubus Lord 14: Swimsuit Edition
    Completed
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
    Partial
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 128 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 135) No Fap
  5. I WILL Cut The Backyard Lawn This Week
    Failed
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

Yeah, those say otherwise, and what would your Ma think? When it came to Braxton… that he was the cutest thing ever. Even when he tried to take my thumb off, Ma got ready to go and grab him up. But she did forget about her grandson as well. Again you said you weren’t going to do this. These are B III’s memories. Not that he cared when Ma called me “Braxton’s Brother” instead of “Uncle.” I was on Braxton’s level. Then again, you hold B higher than any human walking the planet. But then there is Ma, right. Braxton loved them both, and though I loved him like pancakes, it was never enough. Dear Braxton needed a forever mom, but yeah, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Melody Exposed by Imogen Linn
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 135 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL Cut The Backyard Lawn This Week
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am

The last time I talked to my sister was last month or so… getting another kid. And I could get another sister. How long did it take me to find B’s Aunt Indiana Gone? Happy Mother’s Day Indiana. I hope you and yours are happy. So many holidays around her. As for your Ma, B’s sweet grandmommy. Happy Mother’s Day, though. I’m sure I’ll never let you read this. She’s glad you’re still alive, and she loves you. Of course, you know better than to question that ever again. A mom gives life… you, oh what did you do? This might sound like bargaining, but if only I had found Braxton another mom sooner, might he have lived? To grieve unalone. Mother’s Work B Grinning

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 310 ~Will Of The B-Cells~

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To think that the moment of Braxton’s passing, “home” was the last place that I wanted to be. THEY say that home is where the heart is but with him being gone… It’s at least where I can say “whatever,” in peace. Will Of The B-Cells, no cure or escape

Friday, May 7, 2021

Gospel 310 ~Will Of The B-Cells~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, only I wish I could have bought Braxton that big house I promised. A yard, family…

I don’t know if you would consider Braxton lucky or like some military kid. Why does love always feel like a battlefield, as the song goes? Whether it be the two “homes” we had with my Olds and then this place, they did pay for; truth. My family’s home Sophia… Whatever do I call it now? Fuck you, ASM. My apologies Lady Sophia but whenever I say “whatever,” I’m set off by the ASM, and I won’t have him tell me how to speak again ever. Not that I’m doing much talking because I can’t even pretend that Braxton is listening anymore. Dammit, I should be ashamed of what I’ve let happen to B III’s home. I had an ant invasion; the backyard is wild. There is such filth everywhere.

Should I burst out with my best rendition of Michael Jackson’s Earth Song? Again I am sorry, Lady Sophia. I want to tell “Happy” stories of Braxton and me, but my hate has tainted everything. I would hold Braxton at night, and he was keeping my heart inside me, yeah. Now my heart died in a cage, and this broken man is all that remains. He didn’t look at this place as a Hell, a prison, or a trap. In these walls, he was safe with his Daddy despite everything. What is this? The third time I’m crying today because of those little eyes, hmm. The look that says, “Daddy can we go home?” It’s what he wanted, I keep telling myself, now smaller boxes.

There’s my urn pendant, the box that remains on my nightstand. The frame that shows our lives together. Please let Braxton be running along the Rainbow Bridge. My Braxton could be guarding the gates of Heaven or Hell. How about Braxton finding the eternal comfy spot. All it took was something inside him, killing him for five days, causing his chronic renal failure. I know it takes longer than that, but then there was the hatred that surrounded me. Love B shed and shared like so many hairs, Braxton saying, I will try to fix you. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t visit me. He can’t stand to see his Daddy like this, and I don’t blame him. This was his home, Will Of The B-Cells.

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 309 ~Catching Our Tales Braxton~

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Braxton was never one to go chasing his TAIL as he was always so busy following me. Like The Road, “Sometimes I TELL the boy old stories of courage and justice,” it was never many of those. “Catching Our Tales Braxton…” maybe the world will know

Thursday, May 6, 2021

Gospel 309 ~Catching Our Tales Braxton~

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Like last week when we spoke around this time, there was no story to tell.

If I do get fired, did, Hell Braxton, do you have any superpowers, supernatural? Have you become all-seeing, which explains why your Daddy is still a monk and a lazy ass? I have been talking to “everyone” today. I don’t know what the next day will bring for me ever. Now it won’t be the story of your resurrection, will it? As Tupac put it, “bury me in pieces cause they fear reincarnation.” My Old Man of all people said that your spirit could be calling out from another furbaby somewhere. I guess A Dog’s Purpose was plenty for me. You’ve seen what I’ve been reading nowadays. I would ask if you ever listened to me before to please avert your eyes and ears B.

You hated my phone as it took my attention away from you. Daddy always had a song for you, so let me sing. “Son, what you don’t understand, my words might never explain. So I am hoping that time will.” When I took a shower, though… Daddy’s stuff and thangs. However, when I wasn’t looking those things up, I’ve been researching what took you away. Oh, I still blame myself, no doubt, and I don’t blame you for wanting to get to the bottom of it. I read in Succubus Lord how the Shades relive their deaths over and over. Not saying you went to Hell, of course, unless Cerberus needed friendship or you’re saving me a spot by the fire. The two of us…

Didn’t I tell you I killed off your character writing for Camp NaNoWriMo? I swear if I write another book for the next one, it will be about us, I promise. Maybe I will include these letters with some poetry, and I’ve gotten into photography books. What do you think? Braxton, I haven’t been telling the happy stories about us these days because I explained to someone. Without your love, the void has been filled with hate, I’m afraid. Rage, I have no problem letting out, but if I had shown more love to you and less wrath to others, I wish? What I wouldn’t give to have you lying on my ass again as I come up with these gems of wisdom Little B.

I’m trying, and one day, hopefully Catching Our Tales Braxton.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Gospel 308 ~When Braxton Throws Shade~

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Many things went over B’s head, covers, underneath the bed, the roof of his dog house, the fact that I would bring his water to him, and he didn’t have to be so strong. Now he’s over my head, probably giving me that look. “When Braxton Throws Shade.”

Wednesday, May 5, 2021

Gospel 308 ~When Braxton Throws Shade~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I lie better than most. I lied plenty with Braxton. My ultimate betrayal, though…

Yes, allow me to be selfish, Inspector Echo. Hell, let Hank Hill be a better father than me. He said that he was never ashamed of Bobby. I can say I was never ashamed of Braxton, but on January 31, 2021. No, it wasn’t him; it had more to do with me when everyone saw he was dying. There was the moment I walked in with his things and then without him. Picking up remains…

Okay, now that I’ve cried a fourth time today. Inspector Echo, this is what I get for my time machine antics. It’s Saturday, May 1, 2021, so that means next week will be hot garbage SIGH. Yep much like the ASM. If I hadn’t been fired already. Yeah, throwing shade. Echo, I can share so many moments of B III throwing shade but let’s focus on the basics; it was going over his head. I mean that when Braxton would hide under the bed often enough, even on that final day. It wasn’t like he was going to die, right…

My brave boy was sick of me babying him all day long. I know this is an old story. How many times I said, “I’ll help you.” I brought his water to him, but he rejected it. Braxton could walk except out the front door, into the vet’s office, or out. That’s not funny, Echo. I remember the day I thought I lost him. I was all outside in the backyard looking for him calling, then rushing back into the house. B III was in his doghouse, waking to craziness. I can’t blame him; I mean, have you met me.

I make MCD’s look pretty good. There were many times he would sit in the Den waiting for me to show up. Nope, he wasn’t worried about my day. Just start sharing the fries. Serves me right how he died. He ignored me for love of food. And I hated humanity. Inspector Echo, he wasn’t fond of people either for sure. Let Daddy go out and deal with them while he keeps his head under the covers. Literally, Echo, the sun didn’t shine until I was home and opened the shades so he could tan. Now When Braxton Throws Shade…

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 305 ~B III, B IV~

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To say B III IS a good dog is the underestimate of the Millennium. Braxton Is the greatest son ever, and I can never be free of such love. Only what can a man do before such hate? I don’t want to hate but the Day Job SIGH. B III, B IV

Sunday, May 2, 2021

Gospel 305 ~B III, B IV~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, and you might be too someday if you do like I did last night… just say no?

Being free of certain HABITS. You’re still HURT over Braxton, and that won’t be going away anytime soon. I think I brought it up some time yesterday that it’s been officially three months without him. You haven’t said no to the DENIAL or the ANGER… HATE. Being free of such love, but as Sade sings, this is No Ordinary Love. As Edmond Dantès learned, he could not escape such love. THEY say if only we could love as Braxton loves you. People though… I swear, we have mastered hate. If any consolation, you hate THEM. Being free of hating the ASM, the gemstone bitch, the spectacled spectator. Well, that’s not happening. You might get fired soon. But you didn’t harm yourself or Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Melody In Lingerie by Imogen Linn
    Completed
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
    Partial
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 121 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 128) No Fap
  5. I WILL Cut The Lawn This Week
    Partial
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

Before you give me a pat on the back for now having two completions, two utter failures, and two partials. What is this Japan (tentacles)? Um, keep being a monk, my friend. It’s “easier.” As I said last night, I did no harm, meaning giving more money away for… stuff. Before you start crying again as I did when I realized what bills were missing. Of course, they’ve been missing for again three months. Braxton’s food budget, trips to the groomers, tick removal, his meds alone were $45 – $60. Online streaming and artists $71.
Before you give in to the nice girl from Twitter to Onlyfans. Or whatever loneliness-reducing gimmick being hocked today. Please remember what you owe Braxton and yourself, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Succubus Lord 14: Swimsuit Edition
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 128 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL Cut The Backyard Lawn This Week
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am

B III can’t help you through this week. As you woke up this morning, you asked for his strength. Hell, it’s the only reason you’re awake now after sleeping late. There’re more reasons to stay asleep than wake up. Living is easy with eyes closed, as the Beatles put it.
Misunderstanding all you see, you know from dreams to porn, to the Day Job. However, you see all too clearly. It’s those Republican tendencies. Rejecting the evidence of your eyes and ears like something out of 1984. People show you who they are; believe them. Braxton would see you as The World’s Greatest. R. Kelly… not someone you should be quoting these days. This week will be bad, but SIGH relax, B III, B IV

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 303 ~Hello, Hello, Monsieur B~

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Please say Hello to me… that’s after having such a nice dream. I’d forget it all if B III woke me up by running over my face, asking me for treats, or better if I had known something was wrong with him and been his Dad. Hello, Hello, Monsieur B.

Friday, April 30, 2021

Gospel 303 ~Hello, Hello, Monsieur B~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I would wave goodbye to all of it just to say, Just Me, Baby B.

Sometimes I’ll say Good Morning Braxton when I walk into his room. The two of us weren’t AM people at all, Ha. There was a time when he would run over my head, eager to go out. Back with my Olds, it would be him barking. Then there’s “Medicine Time.” I’ve been thinking a lot about what THEY call The Golden Rule. I treat others how I would like to be treated. All I want in my life nowadays is peace and quiet. One more reason B III was perfect, we didn’t have to talk… we walked, and that’s how we knew we were ok. People think they are entitled to my voice… fuck people, especially the ASM. Braxton deserved the best version of me.

Now I shouldn’t say all people. Indiana Gone is my second best friend. I worry about M Anime. I still think about Cherry, Okay, even MILF Dos from time to time. But at the end of the day with Braxton, no matter what, I was always me. I got to say hello to myself finally. I could repeat the same stories about Braxton arriving in a monster’s hands. The time I caught him eating my breakfast. How about when he chose me as he jumped into the car? If I kept but one promise to my son, it was this. When I would leave, I told him I’ll be back. Do I look like The Terminator? Better you don’t answer that, my future being uncertain.

My favorite part of the day was crawling up the steps and seeing him. I would pet his head, hug him, let him jump all around, and then I’d ask, “you want to go outside?” Give me that moment forever. The Stairway to Heaven or The Rainbow Bridge, Braxton awaits. So here come the waterworks… Braxton’s last day and I dared to say Good Morning. The hello I gave him after the vet gave me the final prognosis on him, and I held him like we hadn’t seen each other in forever. I can even smell him. The brief moment after his death when the storm passed, there was such sunlight, Just Me, Baby B.

I’ve said hello in many ways. Hello, Hello, Monsieur B

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 302 ~What’s The B Ending~

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I had no idea how bad Wednesday was going to be. The last one that was so… heinous, B III cried, but all I could do was pick him up, wrap him under my arm, and nap. It didn’t end there; the week only got worse but for a moment. “What’s The B Ending?”

Thursday, April 29, 2021

Gospel 302 ~What’s The B Ending~

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I don’t really want to talk about my day, and I haven’t even lived it.

I’m sure you don’t want to talk about that Wednesday when I was feeling this way. Time-Travel, Monsieur B. If I had done more of it on January, 27 perhaps I wouldn’t be here April 29 without you. At present, though, it’s April 24, and you know why I’m speaking. As I tell you every AM, I miss you, B III. I still love you like pancakes, but B, I must confess. Shouldn’t I have done that Wednesday? God, I hate Wednesday and Sunday. Not the days’ fault but mine. So my secret… when I say I miss you, I can hear MILF Dos’s voice. If it’s any consolation, you would have liked her yabbos. Now I know you appreciated Indiana Gone’s, without a doubt.

I was thinking about getting her a picture of you or us. Braxton, she misses you, but that would be weird. Always and forever B, so as long as I’m alive, you will be too until we’re together again. I should try cutting off Youtube once in a while, but um, “He Lives In You.” It’s what I tell myself every day, B, and look at me crying again. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop, but I need something to round out the Anger, especially this week. It’s almost like the one I had when you…. Again I’m not even living this week as I write you B Squared. Tell me something, do I deserve to have this pain end? I finished Camp NaNoWriMo…

Hell, if I had published a book already like Cherry? I saw her this morning, do me a favor, B, and see if you can find a cat named Millie. Talk about “stalking,” remembering some English vixen’s cat on the Rainbow Bridge. I’m still a monk and your Daddy. Braxton, was that even funny? So many things ended when you left, and those that began? I want to stay in the same place, you know, but life has its ways. How dare I say that. You wanted to live and now… was I going to say I want to die? I don’t want to move, I know that. The way our story ended like something out of NieR: Automata. Always, Forever, What’s The B Ending?

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Gospel 301 ~Can Count On B~

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15 years, 15 years, and near his 16th birthday found out here wasn’t here. I don’t know why I channeled Kanye West this morning, but I can always count on the background noise. Like me failing, or the Day Job, to make me mad. Can Count On B

Wednesday, April 28, 2021

Gospel 301 ~Can Count On B~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which isn’t something to be bragging about, considering when it comes to my son. Braxton counts.

How many times have I said it; Braxton’s Life Matters. Those are three little words like “I love you,” “I miss you,” “I’m sorry B,” “I’ll help you,” so it goes. Numbers Inspector Echo. Fifteen years Inspector Echo and I so want to say sixteen. Would twenty be enough for me? Hell, I wanted all of his tiny little tan/beige hairs to turn Grey. Braxton the Grey, or Braxton the White. Does that sound mean? No meaner than saying that he wanted to go. In two days, it will be official. Braxton and I haven’t been apart longer than two months and some change. But May 1 will mark three months. Will I still be crying every day for him? I shouldn’t jinx myself, hmm.

I keep talking about step two of the Five Stages of Grief. Inspector Echo, I don’t know if my anger has subsided yet. As usual, I am traveling the sands of time lost because indeed I am so. B III was my constant even in death. Today is April 22, and I’m lying in this bed. The ideas that come… not those, for I am still a monk. By the time I see this again, I won’t have 5000 words to worry about. Now that will mean I’ve done my first NaNoWriMo without B III. I don’t expect the feeling will change much but with my anger at the ASM. Let’s say I do publish. I make enough to quit the Day Job, a bargain.

No matter how much I get, none of it would buy back one day I lost with B. The last five that we would have. As the song goes, “All around me are familiar faces. Worn out places, worn out faces.” I see new babies, fur babies, and how many times have I said, No? Inspector, I lost my family. I don’t deserve another; not like any could compare. That’s the thought that keeps me here. One day I will run out of treats to place in Braxton’s room. Sooner or later, I will look at these Chihuahuas and, unlike God, will say I’m lonely. Always and forever, I will remember my son. He counted on me, and what happened? I Can Count On B.

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 298 ~Behave In B’s Haven~

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I’ve compared Braxton to an angel, and I believe people are spelling GOD backward. In that case, I may be trouble if Braxton’s bedroom yesterday was any indication. For all I know, I was stumbling around in there like a zombie. “Behave In B’s Haven.”

Sunday, April 25, 2021

Gospel 298 ~Behave In B’s Haven~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, but you can’t hire an exterminator or the Ghostbusters, at least not yet. And why would you?

As the song goes, Lord Give Me A Sign. I ran by one yesterday, and I’m ashamed to say I even stopped and looked. You’re in Hell, so at least have the good sense to suffer and not escape or seek salvation, solace, ha satisfaction. What would B III think of your excuses for alone time? That’s the thing, though; yesterday, I found out that I didn’t have to be… get it. The fact that you remember the five-month-old ball of fluff by the name of Buford and you’re sore about it. It could be everything else you know with Camp NaNoWriMo. Today’s the day. Are you still going to play Grim Reaper and bury a story you’ve neglected the world for? Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Succubus Lord 13 by Eric Vall
    Completed
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
    Partial
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 114 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 121) No Fap
  5. I Am Not Bowing To The Day Job Under Threat Or Duress
    Completed
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

Hell, I am not a prophet, and neither are you. At least if I had put finish Camp NaNoWriMo on the list, you would be looking at four wins this AM. It would be almost supernatural. Which is now the whole point; A Hell escaping, undertaker, imagining some Godhood. There’s pride again, and do you think anything you write today will be worth it. All the stories I would write, right here while promising Braxton a better life. And he waited so patiently for me to finish. He still does, only he’s even quieter these days, of so I thought. Don’t jinx yourself. Last week sucked, and this week SIGH, I do not envy you other than again finishing Camp NaNoWriMo. But, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Melody In Lingerie by Imogen Linn
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 121 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL Cut The Lawn This Week
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am

What will you do with yourself? Being that an Ordinary Human is the worse type of a monster. You got plumbing to repair (snickers). And you might even get around to mowing the lawn or whatever you do with a weed whacker. Neighbors haven’t knocked. If yesterday is any indication, you’re being haunted by Braxton. I found many of his toys strewn all over the place in his room, and to be honest, it frightened me a little bit. Either I’m more out of it than I realized, or it was a rat. Yeah, a rat that doesn’t eat the dry food and treats or even messes up the table. You just remember to behave; work sucks, I know, sadly. Please Behave In B’s Haven

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will