Gospel 261 ~B For We Roll~

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Braxton never called shotgun. He was never far enough away that he couldn’t find his way home. My sister may have hooked him on Disney television-wise, but he seemed to like my Spotify playlist as he stood on the seat the whole time. “B For We Roll.”

Friday, March 19, 2021

Gospel 261 ~B For We Roll~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so as the song goes, “here in my car, I feel safest of all.” B doesn’t.

The first time I took him for a drive was on Thanksgiving some years back. B III never liked car rides, or at least this was the start because I had to leave him. Of course, this was back when we had weather, so it was cool, no need to smash windows. He wasn’t happy. Ever since that day, he wouldn’t relax, one more reason he couldn’t go out of town with me. My lead foot was all sorts of screwy, and I can only imagine him trying to stand for 12 hours. I had to stop for gas, snacks, and there was the wedding too; he’d be alone some. Other than that, there were park trips, PetSmart reasons, and last, there was the vet.

The last one I can never forget. I say it time and time again, Braxton IS strong. We thrive on routine, and if he lays down, what would that be saying? No, not my son, Braxton continued to stand. He could barely walk, so I carried him, but he wouldn’t rest in the car ever.

“If you can’t run, you crawl. If you can’t crawl– you find someone to carry you.”
― from Firefly (2002)

That probably wasn’t a good quote to use from “that man.” Martin Luther King Jr said it first, I believe. Anyway, I’m a broken record always talking about Braxton’s eyes. He saw his things in the car. Why did I bring them? His bed, my hoodie, his toy, big pillow. Sophia, do you think if he had known, he would have rushed back to the car? One long walk, dammit!!!

I walked in with my son on January 31, 2021, and walked out with him on February 10, 2021. If he wasn’t scared, he was angry at the car rides before. No more drive-thru crew to bark at; I never took him to Starbucks for a Puppachino. He didn’t get to pick out his toys. Yeah, our PetSmart trips were about his meds or going to the groomers. I told the story of rushing between vets because of his paw. We didn’t go to Christmas Brunch with my Olds because they didn’t want him there. I wouldn’t go without him.

I’ll walk, or I see so many nowadays I can damn sure learn to fly.

Highway to Hell, Stairway to Heaven. B For We Roll.

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 260 ~B For The WIND~

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What’s wrong with a garden in Tennessee? What about back in the old neighborhood. Why not at my Olds house or in the backyard here, where he would play. I’ve thought they could put ashes in a tattoo. I didn’t let a “tornado” get my B. B For The Wind.

Thursday, March 18, 2021

Gospel 260 ~B For The WIND~

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I still don’t know about me, but it wasn’t “Another Day.” I’m not thinking that.

When will it be something more… I don’t know; a day when I’ll actually mind dying. I swear that I would have kept sitting there working if it wasn’t for you, Braxton, yesterday. Yet, I could have been looking for an excuse to stop. You were good for that, a distraction. When I woke up this morning, hell on many a morning like this, I would tell myself, you were sleeping. I have an off day. I’ll let you decide when you want to get up for a walk. Of course, I never rested on those morals when it was something I wanted, did I?

When you were in danger though… brother to brother, yours in life and death, my “First Knight,” well you saw.

Windy day huh? An understatement for a tornado, but I didn’t see anything; I’m fine. You are always so worried for me, B III. I got up, thinking if the town blew away, “Where’d You Go?” I can’t have you leaving me again Braxton, I’m not doing that great lately. Windy days for you too, I suppose. I imagine what Heaven, The Rainbow Bridge, wherever is like. Not a day passes by that I don’t see myself standing with the vets. They told me about you blowing through a garden in Tennessee with your brethren.

No, I needed you home with me B. Wind, be it a tornado, hurricane, air conditioning… my wayward writing geez.

You don’t know how bad I want to touch your fur, but I need that reminder, if but a piece.

Win B III, you won. As the storm came, I grabbed three things. The one that showed I gave a damn about my life now was you. I actually moved “you” from the nightstand. As of all things on Earth, I could take with me. I wanted you by my side, B always and forever. Winning also was, God knows, how many bytes with my laptop and the bucks in my wallet. I got my stimulus check, and if we were together, I would spoil you rotten. Oh, like how I spent the last stimulus? I’m not angry with you, Braxton. It’s only the memories. Damn the windfall, if I could be with you again. Winning isn’t something I’m doing. It’s B For The WIND.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Gospel 259 ~It’s Messy B Leaving~

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I’m not much of a neat freak. I only clean when pretty girls or hateful fathers come by. Braxton, though, if he didn’t go outside, it meant his bathroom spot needed cleaning, and with my hours, sometimes I would walk in and wow. It’s Messy B Leaving.

Wednesday, March 17, 2021

Gospel 259 ~It’s Messy B Leaving~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I still want to change my future kid’s diapers. No, Braxton’s bathroom pad, once more.

Shit, it’s been, um wow, forty-five days, while I am still very much attached to Braxton today. Inspector Echo, B III’s pad has been clean since he left me. What’re a few more smells to miss? I would indeed live in that filth than how I’ve been spending forty-five days. Disgusting, who am I to say, nature’s calling. I still haven’t checked the fridge when it comes to his food. Maybe I should donate it to a pet shelter, hmm? One, what if it was the food that took my son? Two, if I give it away, who’s to say I wouldn’t look around some. And three I saw a dog on Sunday but I didn’t want him or her. One Deer Head Chihuahua, please…

Not that many people giving them up, and what about buying one? With all the money I’m spending daily, and nothing is helping. I’ve thought again about buying more guns, but I’m trying to stay far away from the ones I do have. What’s one more sin, but then B? To you, Inspector Echo, this is as close to “Bargaining” as I’m going to get. How many sins have I renounced trying to what… talk my way into Heaven? Anything to see Braxton again because I know he isn’t coming back here. Yeah, says the man refilling a water bowl. I hid things from Braxton, I’ll admit that. What parent doesn’t? Lead me not into temptation, so I’m cleaning out my closet or stuffing it?

Nothing else to think about other than my son, warm in his bed. For a bit longer without one single breath. He was a mess, and so was I as the vet and her assistant looked on. You know how I hate to leave a mess, but by all accounts, I did that day… Braxton. Inspector Echo, my heart to this day is broken, my soul is shattered, and my mind. As the song goes, where is my mind? No longer in the trash, the gutter, the filth unless you count specific books and music. I want to continue to deny everything, to let go of anger, and Heaven isn’t too far away, is it?

Was that joke dark or messy? It’s Messy B Leaving

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 258 ~On Braxton’s Big Day~

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I’m not the man I was. The man I was before Braxton… can’t say I miss him. To be full of love and then, I don’t know it doesn’t vanish. He’s like the source and like a lake or his water bowl I sit; life but going nowhere. “On Braxton’s Big Day.”

Tuesday, March 16, 2021

Gospel 258 ~On Braxton’s Big Day~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but Braxton… he was the best, destined to be my best man, big brother, but bye?

Best man is by far my selection for him. Only four women ever won his heart. So it’s no coincidence that I love (or am especially fond of them as well). Of course, one of them was you. Hell, if he had lived to see the women are girls would grow up to be someday. Braxton loved his grandma, although she forgot him here or there. Like father like son. His aunt and/or his first mom… I know that sounds weird to say; insert a southern joke here. I’ve told you about Indiana Gone and how he jumped all over her resulting in “The Talk.” He really liked her, but when it came to you, it was like “this one.” B didn’t steer me wrong.

Big brother is watching you. I remember when he knew he would have siblings. I believe he loved watching the beans grow more than French fries, cheese, and hot dogs combined. He was easy to forgive now that he wasn’t growling about lunch/dinner sharing habits. It was always a promise between him and me. A daddy, a mommy, a brother, a sister, another sister. You and I, My Love, kept at it. Braxton never complained. If I had my old Day Job, he might have lost his mind, but B was the one who could come to my new job. It was one thing to be kept out when you and I would… Now he’s trapped with the kids. Why he still has bed privileges.

“Bye Felicia,” I’m sure he wanted to say to you when he realized he lost a whole side of the bed. How about when I walk in with food, and he sees all the hands reaching for stuff. It’s called family. Braxton, you wanted one; I wanted the same. Take a look at me now.
“Bye, daddy, I have to go, look out for them, love them as I love you,” I ask you. My Love, have I done that. B isn’t here to play outside with the kids now, but what about me? B III had his favorite toy because I couldn’t bring myself to let the vet do “that” to him, um no. Best Man, Big Brother, Best friend but what about me?

Be the person your dog thinks you are? I wasn’t much before him, to be honest. Now it’s like I don’t feel like being anything. While I’m quoting the wise though, for you dear wifey, “a man provides” real enough. I have, I will, but like my father, that doesn’t only mean paying the bills. I won’t lie, you know how I have feared you would break my heart but Braxton… My firstborn, first love that loved me back, hell my first knight. When will I be “myself?” I’m sorry, I don’t know, baby girl. Still On Braxton’s Big Day

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 257 ~Never Mind Weather For Sex~

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I’m not in the mood. I remember Braxton being in his room when I had women over, and he only liked one. I had to give him the talk after he got a bit paws on. He’ll never meet the one. Never Mind Weather For Sex, but I am, was a single dad.

Monday, March 15, 2021

Gospel 257 ~Never Mind Weather For Sex~

Hundred And Seventy-Ninth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and while the weather ALWAYS permits, the spirit has no mood now.

You didn’t think this would ever happen to me, huh, Madam Justice? Don’t worry, you’re not the first woman to ask me about this. My second BFF asked me about having lady friends by. It was more or less a confession to M Anime with my new asexual ideas, yep. Braxton is not to blame since this has been going on since last year. He’s only been gone forty-three days. Hell, with this weather, I could send him out to play. How about all those early morning showers getting ready for work while he slept. I’m still cleaning my phone. It’s not like I don’t get hot and horny. I could even be wrong about thinking of this as asexuality at all… abstinence, celibacy, MONK.

I’m not a religious man Madam Justice but when it comes to Braxton? Well, I’ve said I’m going to Hell, and I was aiming for the second circle. Of course, there is my anger and rage, which is the fifth circle. What I did forty-three days ago, well forty-four January 31. Treachery, betrayal, is the greatest sin and also the coldest, and that’s how I feel, Justice. Tupac said, ain’t a woman alive that can take his Mama’s place. My Mama is back to her usual self. So here I am; I can’t get a hug from my Mom, and even if I had a girlfriend. Honestly, I only want to hug my best friend again. I want to be warm. I don’t deserve it.

As the songs go, Sitting Here In Limbo, Highway To Hell, Stairway To Heaven. Yes, I know Limbo is in Hell, and that’s probably the best way to describe it. I’m still reading Eric Vall’s titles. I’m downloading all manner of stuff but preparing to cancel all of it now. Being hot is one thing and cold another but lukewarm? I’d give anything to be cuddling with Braxton right now. Let’s walk on the coldest day of the year. I still remember rushing him to the vet when he was dehydrated and staying up with him all night with hope. Pardon me, but no piece of ass will make up for that wagging tail. The weather’s no problem; it’s Braxton being gone; it’s been forever.

Never Mind Weather For Sex

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 256 ~Good Uh Normal Braxton~

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Hate is not normal. Unless you’re my Dad, the Day Job, The Devil… well, actually, I’m enjoying Eric Vall’s Succubus Lord series. It’s wrong, though, to feel good about anything without Braxton. Being bereft of love now? “Good Uh Normal Braxton,” nope

Sunday, March 14, 2021

Gospel 256 ~Good Uh Normal Braxton~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, but “why can’t you just be normal?” What am I saying, huh? Braxton’s been gone six weeks.

If anything, he was the closest to happiness you were ever going to get. Again not that I would know. Last night I had a “nightmare” about a car crash. As the song goes, “the dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had.” I wonder what B III dreamed of sometimes. It couldn’t be dying, and I’m not saying that animals don’t understand it. Braxton never lost anyone to it. You don’t remember what life was like before Braxton, but you don’t want to either. For the last week, I have kept up with a routine, well, at least until Friday. Grief has been normal but if I were to talk about, let’s say, apocalypse prep. Braxton’s gone, so the world’s ended.

You wish, don’t you? I wouldn’t blame you for curling back under the covers and falling asleep now. Denial, Depression, and demons of all shapes and sizes, even before Braxton’s death. These things were considered normal. Normal, fuck that, absolutely. Pardon the language but wouldn’t THEY say that hate isn’t normal? You hate you, right? At the moment, though, it’s the Day Job. They disturbed your moment of silence for Braxton. How about fucking up your schedule and expecting you to what, just go on? Dammit, be good, be normal, and not crazy. Should I repeat everything, you’re going to do this week yet again. Well, springing forward isn’t helping now, is it? Another first without Braxton, sigh. Now in that regard, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, “My Dark Vanessa” Kate Russell
    Completed
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, Braxton’s Albums
    Failed
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 072 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 079) No Fap
  5. I Am Cleaning Out The Refrigerator (Braxton’s Last Meal)
    Failed
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

How about failing time and time again that’s the normal state of affairs? You even asked Braxton for strength and what? Well, you did read and then spent a half-hour looking up more books. While we’re on the subject, you can’t go spending cash as I did on Saturday, ok? Like watching Songbird on Amazon Prime. I wanted to feel things other than anger for a bit. Without it, you’ll move onto Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. Hell, you woke up depressed again. It’s a constant state but living in denial, that’s “the new normal” for you. As with Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, “Succubus Lord 10” Eric Vall
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, Braxton’s Albums
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 079 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I Am Cleaning Out The Refrigerator (Braxton’s Last Meal)
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am

Braxton was a good boy, time to get on his level being a good man? Already Bargaining ain’t that right, friend. Good Uh Normal Braxton

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 255 ~This “H” For Braxton~

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While my heart remains broken, you’ll be surprised what Anger can heal. Why won’t people allow me my Denial instead of driving me into Anger? Heroes don’t bury their children but their parents. My OLDS are fine, but for now. This “H” For Braxton

Saturday, March 13, 2021

Gospel 255 ~This “H” For Braxton~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I can’t recognize myself anymore. Plenty of people are telling me who I am.

Hulk as in The Hulk, which I turned into yesterday morning. It seems the more I try to live in my Denial that Braxton Is Dead. People are dedicated to shoving me into Anger. Were you ever having a moment of silence, Luna and the phone rings with bad news? I’m a man of routine, and there I am saying, “Good Morning Braxton, I miss you,” and the Day Job calls telling me I’m missing work. I yelled over the phone, and less than an hour later, I’m shouting at two women at work. If B III had been here, would I have cared, hmm? Not that I’m angry at him, nor at vets. It’s starting with me and then the rest of the world.

Hunk of burning love, made into a hellish rage. The hackers, the scammers, and who else? I’m sure people aren’t joining “my” Facebook Group because I’m handsome or an incredible writer. No, my dear Braxton “IS” the cute one. He allowed me to write constantly. Still, M Anime said I have a nice smile, and she likes it when I smile. Of course, it was with a picture of Braxton. Don’t women love guys in uniform or with their kids? My hoodies don’t count, and without Braxton, I mean damn.

I don’t smile much anymore and without masks… Lady Luna, I haven’t been thinking much about women, to be honest. Dare I say I’ve become asexual at this point. The life and family I pictured, Braxton, won’t meet or love.

Hercules, I am not. Now, didn’t Hercules kill his family? Kratos did as well and wore their ashes. Well, aren’t I wearing a pendant with some of Braxton’s “remains?” Great minds, right, considering I spent yesterday night reading in the blackness. It was all about Jacob and making demon lords. I’m about to piss off many REAL parents, but have you ever heard “the smallest coffins are the heaviest to carry”? I don’t know how I did it, Lady Lu and I could never do it again; it’s too much. But that hasn’t stopped me from looking up Deer Head Chihuahuas now has it, Lu. Would I instead make myself Sisyphus or be the Hulk, a hunk, or Hercules, no.

Let me hurt rather than hate. This H For Braxton

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 254 ~Braxton’s The New Kid~

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Braxton and I enjoy routine. I owe my Day Job an apology or maybe not. I didn’t cry laying another treat because they called, and I had to yell at a new person. I hope no one yelled at Braxton when he got to where he was going. Braxton’s The New Kid.

Friday, March 12, 2021

Gospel 254 ~Braxton’s The New Kid~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I can afford drugs to stop shaking? I can’t stop shaking Braxton’s meds, though.

The good news is that nobody’s around to see it. Braxton and I have been apart longer than this. He lived with his grandparents for some two months as Daddy “wandered the desert.” A sad story, my story, but I really don’t want to reminisce. Oh, focusing on B now? Braxton’s first day as the new kid. I’m sure I’ve told the tale a million times. One night I’m speaking with my mom when in walks my “Dad” with this little ball of fluff no bigger than his hand. The runt of the litter and a gift to my little sister, B’s future, her purse. Makes her sound like Cruella de Vil but no. Braxton was brave in this land full of giants; such courage.

More than he could ever say for me. When I was leaving for Indiana Gone’s wedding, I didn’t believe my boy would like the trip “Duh.” Instead, I sent him to The Dog Stop. It was the first time Braxton would be left overnight with his “peers.” I was terrified. Braxton didn’t have to sit with the principal, warden, concierge. The place was a mix of all three, school, prison, hotel. Am I being mean? Well, B III wasn’t, or so I was told. The hippy-dippy collar he wore until… They gave that to him and said he was a delight. They made me do a bit of thinking about how Braxton feels he has to protect me. He relaxed. He “IS” a good boy.

A good man, I should say, my son, a prince, my brother. Only now I had to be brave for him. I mean, wasn’t I always when it came to the vets? In his younger days, he would growl, and he would fight. In time he didn’t anymore; it was only “can we go home?” When Braxton opened his eyes again, he’d be the new kid. As the song goes, “No father wants his son to repeat the wrongs his daddy’s done.” More like “If I had just one wish, only one demand. I hope he’s not like me. I hope he understands.” Wherever he is, he’s new, it’s new, it’s better because of him. I need to believe that, PLEASE. Braxton’s The New Kid.

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 253 ~How Braxton WARMED Me~

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I should go for a walk, take a hot shower, burn rubber and attend to the errands that I’ve been neglecting as of late. No, I rather stay in Braxton’s hoodie or wrap myself in blankets and figure out how to avoid Hell; too late. How Braxton WARMED Me.

Thursday, March 11, 2021

Gospel 253 ~How Braxton WARMED Me~

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Are you waiting for me now? “Hope the weather’s good and it’s not too hot.”

No, not like that, Braxton. To quote another song, “isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?” Here I am in Hell, and God saw fit to adopt my Cerberus. I want to be all Ethan Montgomery and scream out; you’re mine. Any luck hearing me yet? It’s been thirty-eight days, Braxton. Maybe the angels needed something to do in their downtime? I bet you have them running, huh. Are they like your first or second moms, all furry, lovey-dovey? Indiana Gone says hi,” I had her crying again, missing you, and you wouldn’t want that, right? Talking to her Tuesday, she asked about, let’s say, “stuff and thangs? Am I trying to get to Heaven, the Rainbow Bridge, or wherever… never seeing you again? That’s Hell

Or it could be that I spend so much time under the covers. I don’t know if I’m waiting for COVID or the weather is making me regret the walks we missed. I’ve been talking a lot about food lately, and I think stuffing my face makes me sick. It’s with you being gone, B. I’m trying to find other things to be mad at. Now don’t go hiding under any beds. I’m not angry at you, the vets, the people who saw you last… Braxton, I wish I’d been there. I’ve cried enough to douse so many fires now? I’m sweating bullets for you because no sin could be worse. “I’ll never let you down,” but oh look, there’s your name on paper there.

“Burn rubber but not your soul,” How’s the traffic, some car rides from here to there. If I had been a day faster, Wednesday, you were crying, Thursday you seemed okay, Friday, the vet. I have replayed those last days over and over, and if it wasn’t wrath, sloth, greed.
Son, what you don’t understand is I wanted to give us that life we dreamed of. I wanted you to be wrapped up in warmth, days out in the sun. Your siblings would be raining food on you in every direction. Should I be jealous future wife likes you better? B III, I’m hoping you’re not angry with me or even whoever thought they could love you better. Only everyone knows, How Braxton Warmed Me.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Gospel 252 ~Braxton Was Full Of…~

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How many times would Braxton come running into my room, and I would have to check his bathroom pad, or I would ask, “B Squared, did you eat everything?” My bed feels wrong when he isn’t cuddled beside me or, on the end, guarding. Braxton Was Full Of…

Wednesday, March 10, 2021

Gospel 252 ~Braxton Was Full Of…~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I’m “hanging tough, staying hungry,” as the song goes. As Braxton did, towards The End.

Belly pains hint that I should join him. No, I’m not starving Inspector Echo. You should have heard me rattling off food choices to Indiana Gone. Steak and Potato Soup, Buffalo Wings, Shrimp & Pasta, Boston Market Salisbury Steak. Not quite three squares a day. Remember how much I would share with Braxton? Sometimes I think my hands have forgotten how to move. If I’m not letting B III dabble, then I’m making a mess of myself. I keep saying it, but maybe that’s why I’m picking stuff that I didn’t give or I couldn’t. Always going to Subway now (no fries). I’m jonesing for onion rings. My nephew was here, and we talked about why I had gummy bears and didn’t like chocolate much.

X-Men, Pokemon, what cartoons do the kids watch these days? Braxton is easy. When he isn’t stuffing his face or pretending to, much to my shame. Braxton is filling his little deer-head full of intel. Sundays, he’s quiet, TWD; we’d ride out the apocalypse together. The truth, and I’ve never said this aloud, but at least when B III barks, he is trying to help me somehow. Other than Indiana Gone, M Anime, Cherry, and my mom, people’s words are only noise. It’s like being stuck in Charlie Brown’s world, but he’ll always have Snoopy. Oh, and I’m not discounting people on Facebook, the Mamas, the Papas, the Grandma. Braxton’s Life Matters. It is full of love, or so I try to tell myself now.

Okay, I talked to Indiana Gone (second BFF) last night, and it started innocently enough. With Triple B gone, I’m touched starved. I don’t know how I would “Just Survive Somehow” in 2020. Inspector Echo, no matter what, 2021 is the worst year imaginable, January 31. Anyway, we talked about me having friends, and I reminded her how I keep score. Then I looked around at the table full of Braxton’s treats, his full water bowl. His pillow empty, aside from his toy. In my room is his empty bed with his last collar. Around my neck is his pendant full of… Braxton, his remains, his spirit, what speck of him did they get, hmm?

Vacancies in Heaven, why my Braxton? Braxton Was Full Of…

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will