Tag: Crazy

Gospel 251 ~Worries And Wrinkles Braxton~

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I must be getting old, as I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. Has it really been only thirty-seven days so far? To be fair, how am I supposed to be looking into the future now? Love can’t tell time, and still, I have “Worries And Wrinkles Braxton.”

Tuesday, March 9, 2021

Gospel 251 ~Worries And Wrinkles Braxton~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now and still a father. Only when you lose a child… and I know, how dare I.

I’ve been getting that a lot for five weeks. People telling me what my son IS, WAS, NOT. Waking up “late” this morning, I saw this thing on Youtube about Leela from Futurama. They thought she was an “Alien” initially, but she was a “Mutant” actually. Because she was an alien, that made her special but being a mutant would have her living in the sewer. There are also those people that lavish great attention on their pets. Hell, they’re treated better than people. Love, being not only a feeling but action, I find myself amongst them. Eternally, Braxton will be my son. There were only fifteen years, one month in my arms. One month, one week, two days, gone. We grew old; we grow old together. Love never dies.

“Love can’t tell time,” either, as I heard in a movie once. I met him when I was around twenty-one. My love, when we got together, um, wow. As the song goes, “and they call it puppy-love” and somebody else, “you say it’s puppy love, we say it’s full-grown,” yep. Young people right, and then we had our kids, and suddenly I’m an “Old Man.” I still envision how that would be for Braxton. How many times have I said it, B III with a little beard? His tan hair is turning grey as he lay there between the children protecting them. Painful for them to see how this turned out, and I would worry. You worry about me going crazy, thirty-seven days and counting.

Braxton’s first day of “school” was when I had to go out of town. I took him in, hoping he would make friends and be happy. He had the girls chasing him; I had to give him “the talk.” On those last days, the words “I’ll help you” keep echoing in my ears. Did I?
Then I’m supposed to act like, what a “dog owner?” My Olds have already returned to “factory settings” after what “three weeks.” My mother told me she was glad I wasn’t dead, and my “father…” let me know if you find someone who knows he has a son at all. Like father like son, how much did I acknowledge Braxton and my love for him? My Worries And Wrinkles Braxton.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 238 ~The Meanie Of Braxton~

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Open the door, close it. That’s what I want to tell my father. Braxton still loved him despite everything. But Braxton wouldn’t move when he was around, scared, as was I. Damn termite guy. If my father dares moves anything… The Meanie Of Braxton

Wednesday, February 24, 2021

Gospel 238 ~The Meanie Of Braxton~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but there is only so much hair, so many treats left, and what about training pads?

Inspector Echo, this is my Braxton’s home. I can look at where he lies in that box all day long, but this place, all of it is ours. I said it the day I came back after… Nothing is going to change. Well, other than the nightstand that no longer carries my savings and knives. Money, blades, my 9mm. I haven’t really touched them since February 10. I’m a father without a son anymore, but I’m still Daddy, and as I protected him, he would defend me. What are we so afraid of? He would shake and jump; I’d load up and grab a knife too. Like father like son, we became mean because of one person. Braxton’s grandfather, or to be clear, my “father.”

B and I are dead to the world, or at least I try to be. I feel nothing, or I can’t stop crying. The closest I get past the 5 Stages Of Grief is ANGER. I hate myself for what I’ve done. But I’ve said it before, I was in the FUCKING PARKING LOT, “get a new dog,” my dad said. He’s had two dogs himself at different times, Rottweilers. My father called them family dogs, security. My sister and I never played with them, well, pass the puppy stage. They lived outside in their own cage. When each one died, the family, well, nothing. Inspector Echo, I’ve had a few dogs in my life. I will never say I’m the best man but Braxton…

Fifteen years, he is my son. I would die for him then, and I will die for him now. To protect everything, he was to me. I haven’t found much to be afraid of, though I am or much to be ashamed of. Yet again, I’m guilty. I’m living a lie that he is with me, but he’s not Echo. Now I get a call from my father about the damn termite guy, and I won’t be here, but my father will be. My first fear has been telling him I don’t want to talk about another dog and walking in, and he’s brought one. I begged for a dog. My sister got Braxton… figures.
There’s not much chance of him bringing another dog here.

Second, he’ll try to wipe away Braxton’s memory. EVERYTHING FUCKING STAYS. If he were to pull something as such? My father and I have fought once, and Braxton tried to protect me. Same blood, same mud; Braxton and I only had each other against him. The last fear is that if my father did such a thing? If I could follow Braxton wherever? Before that, though… no harm would come to Braxton, I swore it in this house. My anger, my rage against my father. Better he opens the door and closes it, otherwise. Fighting For The Meanie Of Braxton.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 231 ~Braxton And P Breaks~

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Braxton needs what, and I’m paying who again… Patreon or somebody else? Most of the time, I don’t bother to check my accounts. It might help, though, an exercise that everything is normal but without Braxton. Braxton And P Breaks.

Wednesday, February 17, 2021

Gospel 231 ~Braxton And P Breaks~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now… putting that out there as I would, Braxton. Pretending with those aspects of my life now.

Probably should get some air, but I’ve only opened the backdoor once since January 31. Braxton is like me, we both hate the cold, but we would look at the snow. I shouldn’t have said that. Every time I remember Braxton’s eyes, his final look, I break down crying. Prayers aren’t for God, though. I haven’t spoken to God since last month again. It’s one part of my routine that’s broken. There are more tears when I forget, or there’s just no need. This will be the third week, and as I shook his medicine bottles calling “Braxton.” People will be upset or not. It could be both. It’s not like I can call the vet and order more meds. The water company should be thrilled, but not whoever the people are that make bathroom pads. Some are sick of me talking about him. My friends have their own stuff.

Piping up now only to speak to B III. I’m not sure how to stop it; I don’t want to. I’ve said it often enough, every day. “Medicine time,” Night, Night Braxton,” “Just Me Baby B,” I won’t stop myself.

My Olds would laugh at me for talking to myself but with Braxton’s deafening silence…

Postulating any idea of sanity seems out of the question. Will Smith said something to the tune of, does thinking you’re the last sane man make you crazy? Susanna Kaysen wrote, Crazy is you or me amplified. To me, everything about life feels plain wrong. Painful, a crime. It’s why I haven’t done anything, as someone would say, STUPID. My biggest fear was I wouldn’t be here for him. Now 8:00 AM, his meds and water, so I get a bite. 11:00 AM, outside and breakfast. 5:00 PM more water, 8:00 PM meds, and dinner.

Prolonging the pain as long as possible for myself. How long did Braxton suffer? Five days… he was crying Wednesday, stopped eating Thursday, and it goes on. He needed a break. A break from his pops, his father, his daddy. Now that he wouldn’t pretend. Pretending, though, that’s me since the day Braxton Slipped Away. And people talk about puppies. Progressing through grief and other problems. When I want is to believe Braxton is right outside. Braxton And P Breaks.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 224 ~Braxton Barks But Will~

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He’s still here, at least when it comes to my mouth saying “medicine time” and “night, night Braxton, sweet dreams,” etc. His water bowl is freshly filled, gates are opened, blinds too for sunlight. Braxton Barks But Will listen to me go insane

Wednesday, February 10, 2021

Gospel 224 ~Braxton Barks But Will~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so I’m surprised there really isn’t an echo. It’s only me repeating routine, again and again.

Look for me going downstairs. “Good morning, Braxton! Sorry, I didn’t say that sooner,” but he always understood it took me a while to get going. So much so that again, I would repeat myself. Once was for his medicine but also as I left out the door before praying. Lounge around after treats as I leave. “Good Puppy, good puppy, Be Good Puppy. I’ll be back. I love you. Make good decisions. Always make Good Decisions.” Afterward, “I’m out the door. Be Good Puppy, Make Good Decisions. I Love You B, Love You Braxton. Lie around, I thought to myself, though he would guard the house. He must have been thinking I was crazy back then. No, it’s only been ten days, only TEN!!!

Listen for me to come home. Other than Indiana Gone being here or my “father” being by Braxton would hear me utter the same greeting. “Just Me, Baby B. You have a good day?” Even on our last “normal” day as I passed out on the bed. He needed attention. Licking my face because he knew what was wrong with me was more important. I know it wasn’t. He is my son; he’s what matters. The pain in my mind was nothing to the hurt in his body and soul. Oh, look, my third cry of the day, and the day has not begun yet. Laugh at me, and he was capable, but it didn’t hurt so much when he did. Good times were better.

Long for those, and we both did. Now, as I was telling Indiana Gone, my best… Nope, she’s still my second best friend; Braxton will always be first. Anyway, I said to her that everything good feels wrong. Having fries, going shopping, even writing today. Like where is he to again lay by my side? To jump up every time there is a noise. He would be excited when something would come to the front door, presents… I said this is my third bout of tears. The first was when Amazon delivered Braxton’s tiny pendant. Love lunatics… I think we were. “So what if I’m crazy? The best people are,” as the song goes. He believes it because I’m listening as Braxton Barks But Will.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Episode 351 ~Crazy, The Best People Are~

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Crazy to say I’m a father, B III is my son, crazier to sing If I Had A Million Dollars, craziest to want to own a brothel in Nevada. It worked for Dennis Hof. He had Domino, was a Rich Pimp, and the Bunny Ranch. “Crazy, The Best People Are”

Monday, June 17, 2019

Episode 351 ~Crazy, The Best People Are~

Eighty-Ninth Rule Madam Justice

I AM a Millionaire right now, I’ve never stopped believing. Now Madam Justice I am also crazy, there’s not a doubt in my mind. We might all be mad, and there are several categories. The people who believe there sane are the worst of us. Ironic isn’t it; you would think I like them the best. There are the people in jail, attach anything you want to them. Some kill, some want money, some commit all manners of atrocities. Their reasoning, of course, makes sense to them. Others accept what they are and then what?

Let’s start with the crazy I know. I’ve never been a drunk or a smoker of “cigarettes.” Never abused any woman; okay, I hit my little sister when I was a child, and it was her ankle. I got the shit whipped out of me that night. I hate the church but respect a few believers. One day I hope our beginning or end involves the viral hordes of the undead. There are aliens out there somewhere. Death isn’t the end, but I don’t buy any religious philosophy around its conception. I could go on, but what about crazy these past few days? I’ve organized one Pinterest board into Seventy-One sections. Too afraid to change some titles. Even now haven’t made one stride towards my poetry compilation. I still think I’ll be arrested any day now for words. My Day Job destroys me, but I’m not leaving it anytime soon.

Madam Justice I would instead people think of me as CRAZY than STUPID. You know that’s my trigger, but they both originate from the same place, my “FATHER.” If what he is, Christian? Smoker, wife beating, wife cheating, anger-driven madman passes for complete sanity? Well, crazy isn’t winning me anything ever but a dog and a few friends. One less I’m afraid as I haven’t heard from “Okay” in forever. What about the man in the mirror? He doesn’t look crazy; he seems, well dead.

Should be since I forgot about Father’s Day. It’s only a crazy man or pathetic one still needing Daddy’s help. Is it crazy to believe I can do better? Mad to want to have my brothel someday from “Humping Harlot Hannah” to “Man Milk Mackenzie.” Told you I’ve been busy. I have Faith of the Heart in a million, but I’ll have billions. I’m better; Crazy, The Best People Are.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 090 ~Help Wanted Willing Writer~

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There was a time I was willing to do almost anything for a paycheck, I picked up trash over the summer, was in the Navy about a month and worse of all RETAIL, but I’m not willing to do what I love… Help Wanted Willing Writer.

Saturday, September 29, 2018

Episode 090 ~Help Wanted Willing Writer~

Hey Lady Lu,
How to make One Million Dollars; I should, I must, and I keep telling myself I will and then I sleep a few more hours, I make another Pinterest gallery, I add another playlist to Spotify, good things come to those who pay, so I should start. That would involve getting a real job first of all, and I’ve already been over my current day job, and how many people don’t want me to have it because of my past and I’m not like them at all.

It sucks when you feel like you have the world on your shoulders, but I’m not trying to be Atlas, one more job that I don’t want to do this week, maybe I’m getting set up for tomorrow’s lists of failures. A book reviewer… well that would involve getting through another book, and I have so many on my plate as is, and what I’m reading now “Under His Heel” by Adara Wolf… I don’t hate the book as is but I’m not gay. I’m also not that helpful, I have ninety-nine reasons I’m not a doctor, make that one hundred, I don’t like people, but I am interested in the human anatomy and oh yes, pain, humiliation, even blood.

I like figuring out the mind, I was dreaming about pain, my current excuse as to why I didn’t go to the library today (back pain), but the thing is when I go into Sadism mode, that means I care enough to inflict it but when people are so worthless I rather not… See I’m attempting to figure myself out first, I believe you must do this before you can discover others but that doesn’t mean you can’t have help, my “father” taught me hatred disguised as love, my son showed me, unconditional love. What about women, because of my mother I seek wisdom, and other women gave me the power of choice, the will to be passionate, and the discovery of my private parts, I mentioned, I’m not gay.

So like Eikichi Onizuka, Dennis Hof, or Sir Mix-A-Lot, I like big butts, well I could go into more details but that’s Dirty Diana’s thing, so I want a job where I can stay in bed, listen to music, judge erotic themes that aren’t gay, and play with the human body lots. I want to inflict pain but not anything serious, I want to care, I want to explore and organize, and love the ladies.

Onizuka became a high school teacher, Mr. Hof owns brothels, Sir Mix-A-Lot was a rapper, and I want to write so why don’t I start with Help Wanted Willing Writer.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 083 ~Will Whisper To God~

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What’s one more lazy day, I couldn’t scream to get up but one noise from my phone and it’s time to get to work, just in case right and let me say that church never got me to do that but the day job, my father, a pretty girl *sigh*. Will Whisper To God

Saturday, September 22, 2018

Episode 083 ~Will Whisper To God~

Hey Lady Lu,
How to make One Million Dollars; well I hear tell people will sell their souls to Satan for much less and give themselves to God for nothing at all and pretend that their Laughing With either or. I believe that the Devil gives better advice but at the same time what is the sum of human wisdom… I figured there was a good reason I dreamed about Alexandre Dumas, to the point, quotes and The Shawshank Redemption; more jail dreams just saying.

‘all human wisdom is contained in these two words, ‘Wait and Hope.” ― Alexandre Dumas

That seems to be my battle cry these days, and people have often told me I’m a good listener unless it’s something about me, and then they all turn into politicians, but hell I’m the same when it comes to listening to myself sadly. There’s never an argument when I have to get out of bed in the morning for the day job, no confusion when my little boy needs me to let him back in the house and when a beautiful girl comes calling, wow. If anything that’s what got me out of bed today, another pretty girl on “Whisper” did I ever tell you that’s how I met Indiana Gone, met another girl who couldn’t stand my face.

Now did she say that; not in so many words and now I got one more that disappeared all of a sudden and so I listen to my inner voice, and you know how they ask would you like you if you met you; yeah I hate that guy. The Devil Is A Lie, but she’s focused, and as I often say, everything I could ever want in this world is impossible, immoral, illegal, and insanity but not to her; does that make me sexist making the Devil female? It explains why God never had a chance, the Devil would, of course, garner my desire but God, Our Father, a black man that I could never talk to, oh yeah he’s always there right but these are not the days to cry out to him, roar, or scream, no you whisper Lady Lu, remember that.

It’s why the world is a mess right now and if we are born in God’s image; again, I don’t fear success, but I have seen what I do when I’m no longer whispering, the worlds I’ve created, the actions I have taken and yet I Will Whisper To God.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 076 ~Will Etch In Stone~

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A hot day today or is that me being sick, maybe my anger was burning my brain giving me fever dreams of making a lot of money, a million dollars to be exact and I’ll have a few days to think on that, give myself ideas. “Will Etch In Stone.”

Saturday, September 15, 2018

Episode 076 ~Will Etch In Stone~

Hey Lady Lu,
Give Me One Reason not to believe it other than the fact that Bruce Lee said “be like water” and that can break down a stone, and in one way I’m attempting to erase bad habits, at the same time, I want to mean what I say. So what is it that I mean to say, a part of me knows it’s a stupid thought with all my broken resolutions, the fact that I can’t ever seem to accomplish my six impossible things, I fell asleep sitting here but before I see “The Day” again, I’m going to make One Million Dollars.

Now I’m sure Lady Lu that by tomorrow I’ll probably have forgotten about this, but today at work it suddenly came to me, by next year I’ll be a millionaire, that’s it, no more, no less. When I was a child I thought, that all it would take is two hundred dollars and all my problems would be solved, well congrats, I’m sitting on a thousand dollars, all part of my Alamo Fund. Am I beginning to turn around perhaps, instead of planning how to die, planning how to live and not day by day but in the long run? Hell, I’m still attempting to get through this day’s sickness.

Considering I didn’t have to deal with Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest, and the general manager stayed out of my face for the most part, so It Was A Good Day minus being sick, again thinking long term. An attempt to be healthy and what did it get me; I can’t let that stop me though, and this was the first time I tried to set a real time limit, then again why am I writing so late? If it helps I finished reading one more novel, that’s something else to put in stone, I’m a lifetime reader, I always get sick before work but when I eat it’s worse, and I keep thinking I’m going to make that money in a year and I have no idea how dear Lady Luna.

You take the first step, and that should be tomorrow, but it’s already late and if I were to take a chance at dinner, who knows if I’m getting over this sickness and my son isn’t doing too well either. As I told “Indiana Gone” when it rains it pours, if only sweat was falling like tears or the bottles of Sprite I’ve been downing like water all day today but yes I am working towards One Million Dollars this time next year, I shouldn’t forget, Will Etch In Stone.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 069 ~Well Will Wasn’t Lit~

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I’ve never been one for burning books… well except if those books happen to have my name on them, or from a blog here or there but as you can probably see I haven’t been on fire lately anyway. “Well Will Wasn’t Lit”

Saturday, September 8, 2018

Episode 069 ~Well Will Wasn’t Lit~

Hey Lady Lu,
Give Me One Reason other than they burn books at 451 degrees, that we shouldn’t say goodbye to Summer just yet or that I haven’t made a wish on a star forever, so why on Earth would I need candles? This whole week, I’ve expected squad lights, an interrogation room, I’ve seen the sun in the sky and the light reflected on nickels and dimes, cash burning a hole in my pocket, while I’ve watched others lights vanish into Hellfire itself easily.

Can we at least agree that the cops aren’t looking for me? With as many as I’ve seen… probably not without a healthy dose of Electroconvulsive Therapy (yes I looked that up). Maybe one good release but I’m back on NO FAP. Should I get back to writing then and be warmed by my fire… probably not today, a man has to eat and while I would prefer another type of Cherry Pie than what I had on “The Day” well DoorDash is enlightening. Speaking of which I’m sure you’re interested how “The Day” turned out and I would say that I’ve seen the light, but you know how I tend to repeat history and so I didn’t need it to know *sigh* That’s How You Know you f***** up.

Should a person get more responses than the age facing them, that would be thirty-four, besides “Indiana Gone,” “Okay,” my immediate family (that’s three) Pizza Hut, and OKC, nobody knew, seven messages and I made sure the Ranches down in Nevada didn’t know. I didn’t need anyone trying to make a buck off of me, but again DoorDash did, and I regret that because I didn’t want to get off my lazy butt for McDonald’s and I’m out fifteen dollars. “Indiana Gone” did pay me back a lot plus another fifty for “The Day” but all that’s going towards Project Alamo, seriously I’m still Alive, how and why, inquiring minds?

So is there a silver lining other than my beard in the bathroom lights, what about some light at the end of the road, and am I not on the Highway To Hell which is the only light that remains constant in this life? Who knows what I will find in the blaze that seeks to swallow me. In All The Stars which have existed much longer than I can ever remember. But, so you know, Well Will Wasn’t Lit.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 067 ~Will A Bit Longer~

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I tell you one day I’ll get over this, no not the “The Day” that haunts me as long as I live but getting over being afraid of Pinterest which I should perhaps add to my list of dirty words and not in a fun way. Will A Bit Longer.

Thursday, September 6, 2018

Episode 067 ~Will A Bit Longer~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
Give Me One Reason, other than I haven’t found forever, hell I’m not sure I even want it, again at this stage in the game I only want to be Dennis Hof but still, I am a traditionalist, on the eve of thirty-four and I do want that “nuclear family.” A conversation better suited for the Future Wife but any wife of mine should know what it’s like to have her hands tied up and how I wish I could do the same to Time itself.

“Synchronize your watches.”

“I don’t know how to do that.”

“I don’t have a watch.”

“Time is a construct.” (TAG)

We never know how much time we got right Dirty Diana, and how often do they say live every moment, every breath, hell every word as your last, and we don’t, do we because we’re afraid of being labeled skeevy, perverts, sluts, whores, cum dumpsters *sigh* dirty talk. You can call a girl by her name and be labeled a stalker, a fuckboy, a creeper; focused, that’s my problem, I don’t hide in trash cans, work schedules, addresses, I’m more like, put her in my next book, keep my hands off of her but on pen and paper or my keyboard. I still believe I dug my own grave yesterday telling the truth, hell Alycia, Alicia, Alicia, or Alexa, Alexa, Alexa, one got me into trouble because she’s brunette, the other’s not black enough, another animated, one I wanted to know her name, I’m a fan of Amazon, and the WWE, my sweet buttery Jesus.

Maybe Rumpelstiltskin had the right idea hiding his name, 1984 with Newspeak, Fahrenheit 451 destroying books; women talk about periods, and it scares men to death, “Cherry” fashions herself a modern-day Lolita (she’s 21), Liv Morgan calls herself a juvenile delinquent (WWE), then there’s the whole DDLG/DDMG scene in BDSM. I do much worse Diana, what about the book Ravishment: The Dark Side of Erotic Fantasy by Desmond Ravenstone, a polite way of covering up a certain fantasy am I right; don’t speak it. Le Marquis de Sade didn’t give a fuck, and some call him “the freest spirit who ever existed,” but where did he spend most of his time… one more reason bondage is fascinating, and my cell is one of dotted i’s and crossed t’s just saying.

Sometimes I believe the time is never, to publish my books, to ask questions, to be with someone, as the song goes What’s My Age Again, don’t make me repeat it, so much time and yet to dream of such maddening Power so need I truly Will A Bit Longer.

I Will Have No Fear