Tag: Future

Gospel 274 ~Are You Kidding, Braxton~

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It’s the first of the month. All these bills aren’t a joke, and neither is Camp NaNoWriMo. And now it’s official, Braxton has been gone two months. If I make it through this one, it’s a record for Braxton and I being apart. “Are You Kidding, Braxton”

Thursday, April 1, 2021

Gospel 274 ~Are You Kidding, Braxton~

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? If you did, usually you’d come running to the gate. Are you under the bed?

I’ve checked Braxton, and to be honest, I didn’t even want to get up today. I’m in enough trouble as is, seeing how this is the first day of Camp NaNoWriMo, and I’m running behind. Will I continue my “series,” write about you, or finish GULP? I say that weekly. Know what else I say B? I love you, make good decisions, and of course, “Just Me Baby B,” whenever I come home. People think I’m joking, and if this wasn’t about you, I would say I got ISSUES. I’m still looking for you without fail and freaking out daily. Baby B, I miss those looks you would give me like I couldn’t be serious or even when I panicked, and you were at peace.

Do you remember that time you tried to convince me that you always walked on three legs? You knew I needed my glasses, so that’s when you decide to show me you ate all your food, or you had gone in your bathroom spot. How many treats did you receive? Braxton, you think about biscuits, the way I think about sex, the way leeches think about blood. Now I tricked you plenty myself to get you out of your hiding spots. When people came to the door, we were like a comedy duo. B, My Cerberus, and an “Ordinary Human.” I thought it was funny when you got into trouble… I got some “alone time.” You laughed because I treated life like it wasn’t awesome.

I guess the joke really is on me. Wanting you to live forever was a joke. Believing that someday, I would introduce you to my wife and children, and you’d grow old with us all. People laugh as I call you my son. But no one walking the Earth today, who shares my blood, could say they have the sway you held, still do. You will always be mine, My firstborn. B III I thought you were joking when a day went by, a night you cried. Hell, I thought you missed me before. I knew it was a joke when the hospital called asking for permission. You were dying.

Not funny. The Rainbow Bridge, Heaven, I hope you’re smiling, laughing. Are You Kidding, Braxton?

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Gospel 269 ~Braxton Spills The Beans~

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It’s no secret; Braxton’s gone. I’m not hiding that I’m crazy or knowing I’m guilty. A small boy, but B III had a big bark. If he’s not too busy barking at people at the pearly gates or giving Cerberus a run for his money… “Braxton Spills The Beans.”

Saturday, March 27, 2021

Gospel 269 ~Braxton Spills The Beans~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now or not. Just like Braxton didn’t tell everyone my secrets. His food was a different story…

It’s been weeks since I found any, like the “regular” parents finding their child’s Legos. Of course, his treats and meds are still on the counter. Braxton has a bag of food in the fridge. Then there’s the last opened can and his pan. Lady Luna, why bring this forward? I’ve washed his hoodie today… not by choice, mind you. In Braxton’s final days, he was sweating or wetting himself, not that I care either way. A bottle of soda changed all that. Maybe I can transfer some of the smell from his bed back onto the hoodie. Madness, insanity, perhaps? What’s the secret? I love Braxton like pancakes. But who was to know, as much as I kept him to myself all this time.

Tell that to the hackers and scammers after B left. It’s too soon for Christmas, but Hell, I woke up this morning, and I had no clue what day it was. I don’t know who I am. It’s plenty of assholes who are trying. Did I mention Amazon and my shenanigans? You’re right; I didn’t. Without Braxton’s hunger being a factor? Give me anything to serve as a distraction, which is why I’m later than usual talking to you. The Day Job is still crazy, and this week has the potential to be worse. So many people I don’t know. You’re asking me to explain why I’m here then? As I say every day, Braxton’s Life Matters, but I started talking when he again left.

I’ve dropped stuff from food to tears to his bed. I call for him to take his meds. Only not in getting some scrap of food that got away. He’s not here to flop down beside me. B III would be as mad at my schedule as I am, and instead of his bed, he would hide beneath mine, ha. He wasn’t one to keep secrets, but he would tell white lies to get an extra treat out of me. Again, while I’m way too tired, which I am this morning but shouldn’t I be enjoying it considering, well, whatever. It doesn’t matter as I ask Braxton for strength and know his loss is pain.

My worst crime and Braxton’s somewhere. Braxton Spills The Beans

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 267 ~The Future B Fruitful~

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Somebody said to be fruitful and multiply. Someone else said that today is B-E-A-utiful. Braxton isn’t here to see it, and is it considering when I’m writing this. The family I promised him is somewhere… haven’t met HER yet. The Future B Fruitful hmm

Thursday, March 25, 2021

Gospel 267 ~The Future B Fruitful~

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I know what you’re thinking, B. I’m not making time for you on our day?

I would tell you, it’s just how life is. If I had been paying attention before… It’s one reason I have to write so early now as if I could do something… save you? Only I don’t think you want to talk about our last days together. I should have been petting you like crazy. Daddy was always writing and even then being a lazy ass but dreaming about that magical someday. Every day should have been ours because you were happy. Besides telling me, you don’t hate me, I want to know you were happy in life. Always, forever. Braxton, I wanted to do something special for your sixteenth birthday. Of course, it has come and gone. I didn’t buy you anything for Christmas?

We had time, you know? Oh, and I’ve said it so many times, I wanted to give you a family. Your mom, some siblings, I never wanted you to be lonely. With you, I never was, and I thank you. I always treated it as another day, believing you would be here no matter what. While my sister never did, I would carry you around in my backpack too. I wanted to get you a little emotional support vest so I could take you anywhere. I wouldn’t wish my “work” on anybody, but I could take you to my dream job and how people would love you lots B III. Your love made me want to give love. Saving me, you gave too much, Braxton.

What did I do with such a gift? Nothing is growing, no matter how many tears I cry. The sweat of this man’s brow serves no purpose. Sure I have more things to keep me alive, but every day I ask myself why. Do you remember B that old quote of What Would Jesus Do? Yeah, that’s one more idea, a black bracelet asking me, What Would Braxton Do? I still have all the books I read. But maybe I should start a Things I Learned From Braxton. Am I planning for the future? Do you know your grandpa said, your soul might guide me? Well, I do know what you want. Daddy is Happy.

Not yet, not ever… the days, The Future B Fruitful

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Gospel 262 ~B Moaning Next Week~

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So what’s our goal? One of my resolutions was to see Braxton through the year… I write six things down every week, and have I ever had a clean sweep. I woke up this morning, and that was a fight. Yet next week… B Moaning Next Week

Saturday, March 20, 2021

Gospel 262 ~B Moaning Next Week~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now and still feel like I’m going to toss my cookies any second now. One more excuse

Indeed, no day can be worse for me than January 31, 2021. I have no right to complain, but next week is going to be bad. Why should I blame Braxton for that with all the horrors going on in the world today? People can be sick in more ways than one dear Lady Luna. B III had two good ears and was used to me going off on some political tangent. At least I pretended I was talking to him. Speaking out loud to a ball of fur makes you endearing. When he’s not here, it makes you crazy. Do I really need to go over my routines again? At least Braxton doesn’t have to endure it any longer. He’d hate the coming week.

To me, as the song goes, “Every Day Is Exactly The Same.” Braxton was waiting from his first day to his last, but he always had something to look forward to. It could be as simple as me getting home. Lady Luna, it’s what we want, and I took for granted, LOVE. Now I could be wrong. At least over the past week. It hasn’t been for love; I’ve been getting out of bed or getting back in. Hell, I’m taking a page from B III; the sooner we get this done, the sooner we can sleep. Everything between my bed and back is mostly filler. However, last night I had a dream or a nightmare. I saw Braxton’s treats destroyed by my mom, strewn out all over the table.

That’s not much of a dream, but I’m not living much of a life either. Next week there will be changes at the Day Job. I have more money to spend, the $1,400 stimulus. Today, might I even clean out the refrigerator with Braxton’s food… or finally, start cleaning bedding? I said before, all the responsibilities would come catching up to me. Again political rhetoric, cancel culture, like my Russian contact… I wanted Westworld. I’m not watching WWE that much, more background noise. Camp NaNoWriMo is about to start soon. Dammit, another first without Braxton here. Last week of normality. But what is normal? It’s me complaining as Braxton waits for me to be happy. I hope he is happy. I’m B Moaning Next Week

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 255 ~This “H” For Braxton~

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While my heart remains broken, you’ll be surprised what Anger can heal. Why won’t people allow me my Denial instead of driving me into Anger? Heroes don’t bury their children but their parents. My OLDS are fine, but for now. This “H” For Braxton

Saturday, March 13, 2021

Gospel 255 ~This “H” For Braxton~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I can’t recognize myself anymore. Plenty of people are telling me who I am.

Hulk as in The Hulk, which I turned into yesterday morning. It seems the more I try to live in my Denial that Braxton Is Dead. People are dedicated to shoving me into Anger. Were you ever having a moment of silence, Luna and the phone rings with bad news? I’m a man of routine, and there I am saying, “Good Morning Braxton, I miss you,” and the Day Job calls telling me I’m missing work. I yelled over the phone, and less than an hour later, I’m shouting at two women at work. If B III had been here, would I have cared, hmm? Not that I’m angry at him, nor at vets. It’s starting with me and then the rest of the world.

Hunk of burning love, made into a hellish rage. The hackers, the scammers, and who else? I’m sure people aren’t joining “my” Facebook Group because I’m handsome or an incredible writer. No, my dear Braxton “IS” the cute one. He allowed me to write constantly. Still, M Anime said I have a nice smile, and she likes it when I smile. Of course, it was with a picture of Braxton. Don’t women love guys in uniform or with their kids? My hoodies don’t count, and without Braxton, I mean damn.

I don’t smile much anymore and without masks… Lady Luna, I haven’t been thinking much about women, to be honest. Dare I say I’ve become asexual at this point. The life and family I pictured, Braxton, won’t meet or love.

Hercules, I am not. Now, didn’t Hercules kill his family? Kratos did as well and wore their ashes. Well, aren’t I wearing a pendant with some of Braxton’s “remains?” Great minds, right, considering I spent yesterday night reading in the blackness. It was all about Jacob and making demon lords. I’m about to piss off many REAL parents, but have you ever heard “the smallest coffins are the heaviest to carry”? I don’t know how I did it, Lady Lu and I could never do it again; it’s too much. But that hasn’t stopped me from looking up Deer Head Chihuahuas now has it, Lu. Would I instead make myself Sisyphus or be the Hulk, a hunk, or Hercules, no.

Let me hurt rather than hate. This H For Braxton

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 248 ~SUM Of Braxton’s Parts~

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My foot hurts, my back, I’m still itchy, and as for a cure for a broken heart… Braxton wasn’t an M.D., but he always knew when something was wrong and what was worse. If only I had been better at that, he would be here instead. SUM Of Braxton’s Parts

Saturday, March 6, 2021

Gospel 248 ~SUM Of Braxton’s Parts~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I rather “dance with my puppy” again, for the record “Dance With My Father” blah.

And blah is what I should be saying about all my pain… physically at least. I smashed a toe at the Day Job under a carton of shoes. As has become my habit, I thought of my son with the hurt, and that was that. Watching Braxton leaving me, dying. There is no worse pain Lady Luna. I’ve said before with all my anxiety and terror, there is no greater fear for me anymore. I’m a black man “living” in America; let the cops come. I can’t tell you I love my “father,” but I no longer fear him. Braxton was scared of him too. That brings me to today’s point. B III did so much for me, all “look daddy no hands,” my boy.

He’s still sitting there on the nightstand. His paw prints, the small bag of hair, “The Box” (for those of you keeping score, my second cry of the day). Thirty-Four days ago, there was my alarm clock, two tins full of cash, my knives. Braxton would wake me up anyway.
Well, not for the Day Job, but he was always here, after. Right now, he would probably be sitting on my foot, knowing that it hurts. You won’t believe me, but if I were sick, he would carry my blanket. And sometimes nudge me to my bedroom and welcoming covers. Crying would be something new to him. He whined, and all I wanted to do was sleep. As for now, I’m dead, or it’s never.

If he wasn’t trying to earn his M.D., he was a different sort of alarm, Triple B Security, that’s what. He protected the house every day and, of course, me. It’s still scary, and to be honest, I had only touched my gun once a few days ago; frightening thoughts. Only Braxton was all about my health. I don’t remember the last time I took a walk. To work, shop, but I don’t really shop now. I think I said Subway and a bucket of chicken. I never bought Braxton anything from the Day Job. Otherwise, I’d be more broke. Saving money and losing it; a man of contradiction. I need Braxton here to show that I’m not crazy. There’s only SUM of Braxton’s Parts.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 241 ~Braxton’s All The Rage~

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I deserve Hell. Only I would never wish it upon anyone else. Yet none of the Nine Circles call Sadness a sin. So people would prefer me to be angry. I don’t hate the vet that showed mercy. “Braxton’s All The Rage,” but since I can’t hold him anymore…

Saturday, February 27, 2021

Gospel 241 ~Braxton’s All The Rage~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now because they seem to be mad at everybody. Only I continue to say I’m in Denial.

When I’m not, it’s fear. Now how can that be true? M Anime and I were talking about people and hypocrisy. I swear the things I miss about Little B. I say I’m not afraid because I have nothing else to lose. Arrest me, torture me, kill me. In the end, my Braxton is dead.
To be blunt, like my “father.” I imagine the worst thing, and then I need only say my son’s name. Do I find strength? No, but rather, understanding, and I carry on. “He needs me,” I would often say. Come the night, how about being outside anytime? I’m still afraid. Denial, though, I don’t want to lose it; I can’t lose Braxton. But people seem dedicated to bringing on Anger.

It’s not like my tears will put out the inferno. Braxton’s fire. Geez, how macabre am I? Amongst everything that is left of my B III is his “Certificate of Cremation.” Yeah, I’ll frame it as I bear witness to the paperwork of loss. Not blaming Banfield, Petsmart, Pet Angel…

Lady Lu, I’m trying my damndest to escape Hell, and at the same time, I’m already there. I would say I have COVID or something as I’m hot and at the same time freezing. I didn’t realize how cold this house could be. I was sitting here holding my chest a while ago. Please die. Only I continue to live, but how can I be expected to mourn when wanting to sing “I Hate Everyone.”

Let’s start with me, for what I have done. Yes, not one sin compares to Braxton’s loss. I did it. I “hate” my “father” for treating Triple B’s passing like it should be nothing. Part of me knows why. I was angry the day I saw people with puppies as I looked at B’s ashes. Can I be pissed at Amazon for allowing me to indulge in pain in two different ways? I buy stuff for Braxton and read about suffering. Youtube is killing me with my playlist, while Spotify does nothing. Most of all, these days it’s the Day Job. At my last shift, well… It’s a Mad Season and without Braxton to help. I love him; Indiana Gone did. Braxton’s All The Rage

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 234 ~Don’t Drop Me Braxton~

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I keep on falling. I’m struggling to get out of bed—the tears from my eyes. Or when my phone chimes for my boy. For a split-second, my eyes fall to the floor, or my legs, to his bed. He wouldn’t let me down, right until the end. Don’t Drop Me Braxton

Saturday, February 20, 2021

Gospel 234 ~Don’t Drop Me Braxton~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and still, I would never possess the type of strength that Braxton has. Always and forever.

I was impressed, proud, nearly scared to death when he would walk to his water bowl those last days. If I were to ask God for anything… well, first, it was to save my son’s life. He could have, I could have, and would be more of a bastard if I didn’t let him go. Secondly, it was The Prayer from Quest For Camelot. All I wanted was for Braxton not to hurt anymore. As the song goes, “To a place where (he’ll) be safe.” And that is my failure. The Rainbow Bridge, Heaven, I like to think that the Pearly Gates needed a Cerberus. Only like I said yesterday that you can’t go asking for vets’ names that showed mercy. I can’t follow B.

I would go without question. Every time there is an ache or pain. When I start to get sick, the first thought that crosses my mind is GOOD. Let me go, let me die, and go be with him. My tethers to this life are so few, and even those ties that bind… strong enough; never like my Braxton. You know death doesn’t bother me, Lady Lu. No, I take that back. The prospect of my death doesn’t irk me. A lot of deaths don’t. I’ve been seeing plenty of it. Lately, people feeling this pain. If mine ended, it would only be because I stopped it, like I ended Braxton’s suffering. Stops me… promise I made to a friend.

I raised Braxton so high, and never once did I consider I’d be begging him to help me up. Twenty days and I still pick up his bed but usually kneel to smell it. His favorite game was once staring at the door, wondering should I go outside or inside. Now it’s up and down from pillows, pill bottles, and my pendant. I remember how he would freak out when I took his collar off; his nails caught the ring. Now when wearing the pendant, it’s like my collar. More like I’m telling myself to be better for him. For his whole last year, I told myself I would be a better father, friend, hell if only somewhat less forgetful.

In my arms, heart, mind, Please Don’t Drop Me Braxton

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 227 ~To Braxton’s Sweet Sixteen~

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Happy Birthday!!! Braxton Barks Bradford. I would do more for your birthday than I would my own and if I had only known… We’d share a steak on mine. I’ve been thinking about what we were going to do today? Some Dad, right? To Braxton’s Sweet Sixteen.

Saturday, February 13, 2021

Gospel 227 ~To Braxton’s Sweet Sixteen~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but can that bring Braxton back to me. Give me one more day, year; I’m greedy.

But never on my birthday and like Father like Son. Up until the end, he treated every day as a holiday. On his last day, I’m sure I’m a broken record. I remember when they first took him from me. “Daddy, can we go home?” In his eyes Dad and Son, our lives were together. Then came my second BFF. The only human Triple B could stand outside of my bloodline. I don’t recall how old he was, but she made him a cake. I believe this was when he discovered his favorite toy. Hell, the first time I saw Braxton defeated by MORE food. Well, it put me to shame. I’d get him a ton of fries, and we would chronicle another year together.

Speaking of shame, February 13. I’m sure there is a dispute to the actual day, according to my Olds. I’ve spent forever trying to forget my birthday. Would anyone bother remembering his ever? Braxton is the closest to love I’ll get, so yep, before Valentine’s Day. If I had my way, I mean, this is what I saw. Braxton, growing a little beard under his chin. His tiny tan hairs are starting to turn grey. I imagined Braxton sneaking back to me after lying with siblings. (Future human children)? He’d protect them and my missus. Not now, but years upon years later, I would hold him as I did. The kids would cry over him. MY wife would find me bawling alone at some point.

Now he would have been 16 today. As far as I’m concerned, he is until I stop, whatever it is I think I’m doing. Would I have taken another “Commemorative photograph…” and bought one large fry for him? I didn’t even buy him a Christmas present; we had the time. That’s all I have now, time. 16 years reduced to maybe 250 in pictures. My pendant has his name, telling me to be a better man. His pillow still under the table with his toy on top. Lady Luna, Braxton gave his all to me, so how best to honor the life he lived… I’ll have it, but love’s not a prize but a gift he gave me. Happy Birthday, Braxton. To Braxton’s Sweet Sixteen.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 203 ~Here’s To Nights Of Living~

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My nights would be, well more my life would be NC-17 because what makes me feel so alive, as in the movie “Just Looking” ahem “An act of love,” but for now, I don’t need to be awake all night waiting. “Here’s To Nights Of Living.”

Monday, January 20, 2020

Log 203 ~Here’s To Nights Of Living~

Hundred And Twentieth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I still don’t know if I would build a time machine. Today is Saturday, and I thought one of my big worries would have vanished. I swear, how long ago was it that I read How to Stop Worrying and Start Living? What about Naughty Little Christmas? When was the last evening that I played Far Cry 5 and lived through the whole session? I’m not going to lie to you, Madam Justice, but I talked about my current “obsession” with trains and buses. Train To Bust didn’t go creating itself nor did A Load For Cherry, my newest art piece.

So why have I been staying up half the night? If anything for this evening’s activities, I’ll be doing battle with Jacob Seed and then taking his bunker. Anything to take my mind off tomorrow, but you know how my old man is, I was supposed to sit on my hide and wait. Now let’s be honest, I’m a homebody; nights out on the town, don’t do it for me, Madam Justice. Sure, when I open my brothel or after my bestseller, there will be movie premieres and such. Guests will travel at the dead of night to visit my establishments. I see myself as the boss in Saints Row: The Third. Of course, I could tell you my real plans for the night, but I’m pushing PG-13, as for right now. If my life were a movie, it would be NC-17 almost all the time, and still, I want to be a family man.

For now, I am, sitting here with My Dæmon sleeping. I have a full belly, and the world isn’t ending. As my motivations would shout, I am blessed. Thank you for all my blessings, show gratitude for how life is at this moment. I often talk about LUST though being my great sin, what about GREED. The perfect day, what about the perfect night? I want to be out at the movies with a few pretty girls. Besides the stuff they would do, we would go to a “certain” type of club. I could spoil the movie for another girl. Also, I want a five-star hotel and my video camera. I wouldn’t worry about anything in the morning. Tonight I am alive, Far Cry 5, working on my stash, bed?

Here’s To Nights Of Living

I Will Have No Fear