Tag: Guilt

Saga 082 ~B Lazy Today V~

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Even after “All These Things That I’ve Done” to this body and mind, let’s not get into the soul. I’m much too lazy now. That’s the point. Existence won’t quit me. That would be ok if I was the Queen. Are people still talking about her? B Lazy Today V

Wednesday, September 21, 2022

Saga 082 ~B Lazy Today V~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I can afford to be lazy. But since I’m lying and we’re talking today…

That would be Sunday, September 11, 2022. It’s like I’m back in school, which isn’t good. Hell! This whole damn day isn’t great. With 9/11, the fact I wasted all of E-Day week and the week after was horrible. Ok, that’s a guess, but Humiliations Galore, I bet. Do you know one of the reasons why I prefer the truth? Lies take so much work to keep up. Fiction isn’t a lie, but it is make-believe, and an author writes what he sees. And as the song goes, “smiling faces tell lies, and I got proof.” It’s called my book, which exhausts me looking at it. But then what do I call talking to you and the girls? I keep saying I’m not a prophet.

No, I’m a fucking Lazy Ass. I’ve talked about my greatest sins. Treachery, Lust, Sloth. Inspector, not a day goes by where I don’t think about what I did to my son. With my luck, I’ll be somewhere cold and dark. Another reason we’re talking now instead of the 21st. You know I need to speak to B again. But I won’t say today. The only reason I’m even up talking to you is, um… Well, I’m up. Sex gets me up doing Extraordinary, horrible things. The types of things I wish were only in some dark fantasy. I want to go back to bed. Yeah, like I ever left except for nature’s call. There’s barely food in the house, and why is that Inspector?

Hell! Virgil might die because of the heat or boredom. I shouldn’t joke like that at all, and I apologize. I was telling Braxton’s Aunt; that I’m not sure what Virgil even likes. But he follows my lead by sleeping and not wanting to get out of bed. Yep, it irks me. He looks at going outside not as an adventure but as somewhere to be fearful of. Who am I to correct him on such a thing? I was about to say I’m his father, but there is no chance in Hell, which is what this place feels like with every passing day. Have I tried escaping it? Not ever! I’m contemplating someone bringing food. Thanks, Cherry and Succubus Lord. B Lazy Today V

598 Days Without B III, Day 039 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 077 ~Fan Of B, V~

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I’m a fan of Mia Goth now. That’s from X and Pearl alone. And now MaXXXine? I’m not quite the fan of Virgil yet… I would tell my son, “Love ya B, Love ya Braxton. Replace Love with Later and switch the name. But V barks when I come back. Fan Of B, V.

Friday, September 16, 2022

Saga 077 ~Fan Of B, V~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, or I’m doing my “best” to get there. At least, it’s what I told Virgil yesterday.

My “best” wasn’t enough to save Braxton. My first cry of today coming up. As you can see by the time, I’m pretty late. Yeah, unless it’s someplace, I don’t want to be and movies. Hell! I was gone most of the week that B III lay dying. And I even left him that Saturday because I was “hungry….” I didn’t think for a second that he would die while I wasn’t around. No, I’m not some asshole who would leave his son to die alone or amongst strangers Lady Sophia. But I am the douche that would leave my… um, Virgil in this heat. Honestly, I wanted to see that new movie “Pearl” starring Mia Goth. I’m becoming a fan, without a doubt (drools).

But to become a fan of anything or anyone these days. It’s horrible to think about, but can I go back to Monday, February 1, 2021? Let me be obsessed, addicted, and hopelessly devoted to my son’s memory. It beats how I’m living. Depressive, hopeless, clarity. Knowing the way down, you know. And I keep saying it. This place feels like Hell anyway, Lady Sophia. At least, Treachery is the coldest circle of Hell. Freezing, darkness. I wake up every morning pissed off that I’m not there. Three fans are blasting in my ears, and again I tell Virgil. I’m trying my “best.” Is it that I’m not quite a fan of his yet, going on what, 34 days? And I’m burning money, watching movies.

I’m burning at the Day Job in my anger. My Humiliations Galore reach incredible heights. There’s the next dog book I’m reading; I’m burning through pages. Not the GOP way. Yes, My Lady, I should text back M Anime. Um, she and Cherry get me all kinds of hot too. But that’s the thing; I’m a fan of the wrong things. So I keep blowing hot air and nothing else. Even my “father” is wondering why he isn’t getting a thank you from me anymore. Do you remember when I tried to make a deal with the devil? Losing blood. Hell! I’m losing everything, which happens when I’m not a fan of life. So adopting? I don’t deserve to be a Fan Of B, V.

593 Days Without B III, Day 034 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 075 ~I’d B Lying V~

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What will today bring? I am not a prophet but Humiliations Galore. A ton of anxiety and rage. And I’ll be so exhausted if I see the end of the day that “the dreams in which I’m dying” will be the best I ever had. Because being happy? “I’d B Lying V.”

Wednesday, September 14, 2022

Saga 075 ~I’d B Lying V~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but reread the title Inspector; I’d B Lying. And I can’t stand bullshit, bullies, and blowhards.

Inspector, I should also say something about Time Travel. Considering it’s Saturday, September 10, 2022. Sigh. You know what that means, Inspector. Today already sucks, ha! How do I know, right? Braxton wouldn’t share that sentiment, even while he lay dying. The second time I’ve cried today. But I doubt I’ll be going out today. How many Saturdays did it take me to find Virgil again? I’m supposed to talk about Wednesday and what I haven’t seen yet. Where will I be Inspector come the time you read this? Ever? Paranoia, Worries, Anxiety, etc. It’s all bullshit, isn’t it? The lies I tell. Again I can’t stand myself or anyone lying. But as always, I have my Republican tendencies, saving my ass and telling Virgil?

What? That I’m better than whoever had him in the first place? I think that’s what I’ve seen in his eyes for 32 days. Yeah, I’m the big bad bully. Hell! He got his name for the man who guided Dante through the Inferno. And the boy that could harness the fire and all the black magic, Vivi. But I’d be lying if I said I’m what’s best for Virgil Vivi, Inspector. I mean, when have I ever thought about being guided “through” Hell? It’s practically home. Got the temperature and everything unless you ask my “father” (sigh). Talk about being a bully. Oh, what am I complaining about? He offered to intercede. Inspector, my soul, ain’t worth air conditioning. This existence! What bullies do…

The blowhards. Cock sucking, dick-riding for Jesus, fucking you up, making you a bitch, and such. Pardon my language Inspector Echo. One more reason “I Need Some Sleep,” isn’t it? I’d be lying if I said it would help. There’s always the truth Inspector Echo. I’ve said before that the words I love you are used too often. The same with hate or kill. And it all comes out as nothing more but noise. Hot air! Inspector, I’m burning! Inspector, I am guilty, but not for all of it. The part that fears you will never read this, ever. What don’t I fear? What don’t I lie about? I love my firstborn, my Braxton. I don’t say love you, Virgil, yet… I’d B Lying V

591 Days Without B III, Day 032 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 070 ~ Virgil’s Story Begins B~

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Reading about dogs dying or hiding under beds… Virgil hasn’t discovered he could do that… yet. I should read the adoption kit that he came with. But then I read all these bills and the scary stuff online. My own story? “Virgil’s Story Begins B.”

Friday, September 9, 2022

Saga 070 ~ Virgil’s Story Begins B~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and that begins with the first dollar made. Being worried about money at “Times Like These.”

You know how I am; I have to replace one problem with a bigger one. Virgil isn’t a problem, Lady Sophia… Tell that to all the air I was taking in almost four weeks ago. Sophia, I’m still thinking about the air conditioner and how hot it is here. The humiliation with my old man. And how he could have forgotten about me, which isn’t too hard to do on any occasion. Even in this heat, though, I break down. Yet again, I find myself at day one, my Lady. What? I already had my clothes off, and Virgil was in his room, not hacking. Hell! Braxton would always be here as I looked up… Well, whatever. Let’s say the Uncharted series isn’t helping me.

As a matter of fact, it’s why I believe I’m in trouble. Do you remember how I was a week or so before Braxton passed? Not the rage at work or the indifference towards him, but the paranoia. As I said, “Times Like These,” when I’m more “Somebody’s Watching Me.” Who the hell am I in comparison to my sister or the Queen of England? Quite the jump, don’t you think? My sister’s birthday is right behind E-Day. And the Queen died yesterday. Who has time for me? I bet law enforcement. As the song goes, “First let me explain that I’m just a black man. And I come from the dark side, so I’m having a hard time stayin’ on track, man.” It’s madness.

I’m in the same place I was when B III came into the world. And then he left me. Only now will I be downstairs today, writing a book with Virgil on his pillow. Nope. I’m only up on time right now because, like most days with the Day Job. There’s only fear. Will I get to see Virgil through four weeks and then even more? There’s so much he needs, but where is the money? Oh yeah, at the Day Job. And one of my greatest fears in that place despite all the Humiliations Galore. Outside embarrassments. Another reason I’m not writing books today. So what about reading? Unfinished books irk me something awful. But “my” story and Virgil Vivi’s? Virgil’s Story Begins B

586 Days Without B III, Day 027 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 068 ~B My Age V~

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Today is the second worse day of existence, E-Day. The first is the day B died. The third involves “Tifa Lockhart’s dress.” The fourth is starting the Day Job. But let’s focus on today or not. To not have to emerge or exist today being 38. B My Age V

Wednesday, September 7, 2022

Saga 068 ~B My Age V~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, at the age of 38. If that were true, then Happy E-Day. Of course, I’m not.

I should preface this because I’m writing on Sunday, September 4, 2022. You know I don’t want to do a damn thing on E-Day. Except that it vanishes. Hell! I need a break now, Inspector. But if I have any chance to … FUCK survive! The one thing I can’t fail at Inspector Echo. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I have to do something today. Air conditioning? The money I don’t have to help Virgil be more comfortable. And as for myself? Existence? Inspector, if I wanted to die, I could block my Olds’ numbers. Inevitable what’s coming. It’s only going to get worse. And without Braxton but with Virgil here. I should have thought about that. I’m amazed I rise every day.

Who knows, I might get lucky. We’re still dealing with the real-world Inspector Echo. Now that being said. As I spoke to my Future Wife, what do I want for E-Day, the 38th ha? The song says, “The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had.” Inspector, to DIE. Simple and plain. I wake up on fire anyway, trying to comfort a puppy, don’t I? Speaking of a drooling dog, how about a drooling me? I’ve seen Braxton’s aunt Carolina naked, sure. Or at least her Yabbos. Either way, she won’t say anything about E-Day out of respect or forgetfulness. Then, of course, there’s Cherry and M Anime. Ha-Ha, that’s so funny. Cherry doesn’t know. M Anime… “Not That Kind” of girl.

Ok, that goes for both of them, to be honest. The other girls I know… or could pay for, um? Did I mention I’m right here with the door open to get air and help V with the heat? Yep. No money. But if I work today, I can get out of the house and find a fan or something. Echo, what will I do come the actual day? What about in the future as I do Endure and Survive? I looked up where I was last year. There were 37 things on that list, and not one was finished. Chronicle 068 ~B III The Emergence~. Lying, I did get a new battery. At my age, what have I done? To B My Age V

Chronicle 068 ~B III The Emergence~

584 Days Without B III, Day 025 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 063 ~B Reading V’s List~

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Despite my GOP ideas, I’m glad there are few books to burn here. Except for the few I wrote hoping to get published, that would help with the AC bill. Like I said, I rather burn. And if it wasn’t for poor Virgil, Fur baby he is. “B Reading V’s List.”

Friday, September 2, 2022

Saga 063 ~B Reading V’s List~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now (cut to “This Is Why I’m Hot”) sigh. There’s no time for music, money, or masturbation.

Hell! With how I worked this week, B would be pissed. It’s a week like this one that led to his death. And at least he didn’t have to sit in this heat and suffer. So why let V, hmm? Between reading “Dante’s Inferno,” and (daddy doesn’t exist) … will get to that. I’ve looked over the Adoption Kit I got almost three weeks ago. Notice it didn’t say anything about AC. And I got enough good sense to not lock a fur baby in the car. Good sense, ha! As I said, daddy doesn’t exist. Well, not mine, anyway. I refuse to call my father again for the AC. My Republican tendencies… talk about a conspiracy theory. Do I think he rigged the AC?

Hey, it could happen. Yeah, like me growing up. To quote a hot English blonde that almost made me cum… sorry, Cherry. “Oh, My Fucking God!” Do you realize how close I am to E-Day? If anything, it looks like September 3, 2022, will be a humongous day. Shouldn’t I make a list of everything going on? It would only be a bunch of excuses when there’s so much I should be doing right now. I should be thinking of Virgil’s health, right? How about my own? Of course, there’s only one thing on the list besides sex. No, I don’t mean “Success.” I need some sleep, as the song goes. Only there’s a “long” list. It’s been nine days Sophia. Horny much? Failure yes!

Which is why Virgil is sitting in his room. It’s his choice. The doors are open, and the gates are down. He could walk in here whenever he wants. I went to take Virgil outside. Inevitably (like my fuck you’s to Hemingway). Virgil went into panic mode, so no go. Some things that get to me about Virgil… Yet one more list I should make. Yes, like the one about why I got him in the first place. Ironic, don’t you think I found Virgil, and now I’m marching through Hell daily? But what about the lesson I “learned” from my Braxton? A cold day in Hell… Such was my Treachery. My greatest sin. To betray Virgil Vivi, living this way. B Reading V’s List.

579 Days Without B III, Day 020 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 061 ~B Nice, V’s Mad~

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Don’t write angry or do? I read before you should pick a subject you’re pissed about and use that as your catalyst. Black men, women, southern living, and a dog. Hell! Am I a Republican? But I’m not above the law of existence. “B Nice, V’s Mad.”

Wednesday, August 31, 2022

Saga 061 ~B Nice, V’s Mad~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and seeing how it’s only Friday, August 26, 2022; I’m still mad as Hell. So, sorry.

By the time you see this well, Wednesday will be the easiest day next to Sunday. I do mean hours-wise. Sundays are never easy, and you know why. Every day, B III is dead. Or is he? I can’t be sure what book I’m reading right now. But I have the papers right here, Echo.

Braxton in a box… $779.56
Fixing The Air Conditioner… $630.00
Birthdays and Boobies attempts… $290.00
To Adopt Virgil Vivi… $150.00

Now, who should I be more pissed at? If I hadn’t become so indifferent towards B, the box wouldn’t have been necessary. His picture frame, two pendants, last meds, presents. Playing the Devil’s Advocate… I got $150 from Braxton’s grandma. And that was used 559 days later for Virgil Vivi…

But over the past three weeks, I have spent $1,070. And all for what? I keep saying this, don’t I, Inspector? I would rather burn. And yes, I am entirely aware (fuck you, Hemingway “LY”) that this is all my fault. Um, the boobs and the boy, sure, but I didn’t fuck up the AC. And again, I have no right to complain when I look at the everyday bills. I swear right now, Inspector. I thought the moment my “father” saw Virgil, if he called him a mutt or anything, I would fight. I’d probably lose (yes fuck you, Hemingway). But to leave, Echo? So back to swearing… if my “father” talks about me paying for other home improvements, he can have this place.

Well, fuck, it’s his anyway, to be precise. Where will I go? What will I do? I can’t take V with me, so I’ll send him back. As they say in The Handmaid’s Tale, by his hand. Mine or his? All I wanted to do this month to Existence/Emergence day is live. Maybe some steak. Hell! Learn more about Virgil and, like Braxton, keep him safe and comfortable. That’s all. Ok, you got me… I could look at some titties too. While I’m here. At the Day Job, “I’m here.” But from the 7th to the 26th… Am I still here on the 31st? And fuck even seeing E-Day Echo. Nice, where B is? Is V mad? I am, I’m here. B Nice, V’s Mad

577 Days Without B III, Day 018 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 056 ~B Raging, Sorry V~

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I’m mad as Hell as history repeats itself. And while I didn’t learn shit like don’t text my “father,” AC repair bills suck. I’ll tell you what I’m not going to do. And that’s burning books. I rather burn myself. But with my Treachery… B Raging, Sorry V

Friday, August 26, 2022

Saga 056 ~B Raging, Sorry V~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I draw the line at burning books. Now burning people, myself included? But my treachery…

Oh yes, Lady Sophia, I deserve this coolness, this cold, to try my best impression of a corpse today. And for once, this isn’t only about Braxton. Hell! If I woke up early on more mornings to write, edit, and publish? My little Braxton could have lived longer. Before I forget, fuck you, Hemingway! I will do that whenever I use a word that ends in LY. Don’t worry. There is plenty of rage in my heart today. It’s keeping me warm. Warm enough that I’m sitting at the table. Instead of burning up in bed. Yet I slept. But I didn’t rest. I might have gotten a minute or two. My “father” knows how to ruin these nights. Why not try this entire existence?

And I shouldn’t be this pissed, My Lady, I know. If I look at my bills and who pays the majority of them. But when one man lies to my face about money just so another bastard can get the satisfaction of bleeding me dry? Doing this for V? I swear, Sophia, I rather burn. Oh, how I hate him. And yet that is one more reason I hate the “Man in the Mirror” now. I mean my “Dad” and not V. I don’t want to say I’m indifferent to the little guy, Lady Sophia. Looks like I haven’t learned my lesson from what happened to Braxton. To feel nothing. It’s like I have a fucking fever. And not in a good way. Heat, Cold?

Sure I could talk about Velma from Scooby Doo or Cherry. If Virgil wasn’t around and I wasn’t stewing over the loss of hundreds of dollars. Mind you that I said I wouldn’t pay. Let me burn. Aren’t I a man of my word? Fuck, am I a man ever? To B’s Aunt, I keep my word. No, I betrayed myself, I know. I lay in bed last night with a sigh of relief, but my “father” called, then texted. I don’t know what I would have done if I had heard his voice. It wouldn’t be sitting here for two hours talking to you and watching Scooby Doo porn. Sorry, sex trumps sleep but sadness? There’s only fear and rage. B Raging, Sorry V

572 Days Without B III, Day 013 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 054 ~B Making Mistakes V~

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A mistake is my waking up this morning. It’s telling Virgil he’ll be fine when he’s hacking up a storm like B would before his meds. It’s wanting desperately to believe in reincarnation. How about calling “family” for anything? “B Making Mistakes V.”

Wednesday, August 24, 2022

Saga 054 ~B Making Mistakes V~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now… Chasing the money is a mistake. But compared to all the other ones in my existence.

Of course, I’ll always bring up the greatest mistake I made. I killed Braxton. Inspector, I’m going to be doing a lot of crying today. My first tears should always be for my boy. And speaking of boys, what about Virgil? I’m a bad man Inspector; thus, my weekly confessions. Oh, and fuck you, Hemingway. LY-words. I swear what’s wrong with them; pardon my French.

Regarding speaking, Virgil hasn’t had one day without a coughing fit or several. And what am I doing to help him? Billionaires make a lot of mistakes, human-wise. But with fur babies? Haven’t I said before I’m broke? I’m losing more and more by the day. And I’m making excuses… The “Walk in” contract and “Soul Braiding.” Talk about reincarnation

But before I can think of finding an “animal communicator,” There’s today’s great fear, E. He’s coming. My old man. Wasn’t that the problem? And now he has to see his mistake of a son and why? I paid $380 for something that broke in less than two weeks. I’ll burn. Inspector, I ain’t paying again when this was all him, but what about Virgil’s environment. 11 days Inspector and I’m not sending him back. As much as everything screams such. So, can I keep him away from my “father?” What will he think? And V with his coughing? There is a reason Braxton and I are family, all alone. Two against the world, Inspector. Tell me, is it a mistake? This seems like punishment.

Is it my ass is finally getting Jobed as in the “Book of Job.” But I’m not one for God. Inspector, my body is wracked with sickness, and my head is fucked up with grossness. Hell! I didn’t tell you what I did yesterday, but (sigh) I’m starting back at one again. I swear porn really is the Devil next to my “father.” Inspector, again I’ll burn than spend money. I’m losing tons of it every day. There is still V to consider, and if things keep up this way? What happened to Braxton is my greatest sin, but you see the date, Inspector? Fuck! Waking up to this another year, every single morning… NOPE! Why make more mistakes, Inspector Echo? B Making Mistakes V

570 Days Without B III, Day 011 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 049 ~To B Ruled V~

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It’s the fact that I didn’t want to read the latest paycheck? I finished listening to the Succubus Lord series and returned to The Gargoyle. The audiobook, not the year and half year old furbaby. It triggered me to remember the rules. “To B Ruled V.”

Friday, August 19, 2022

Saga 049 ~To B Ruled V~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but it still ain’t for writing a book. Or cleaning? For teaching old dogs new tricks.

Well more like teaching new dogs, old tricks, I keep saying it, Lady Sophia… Asking. Virgil lying against my leg. Is he my Braxton reincarnated? We’ll get to that, I hope. But I’ve been trying to remember rules for the past six days or 2:00 in the morning last night. I’m not sure I put them down in the first book I wrote for B. And not the second. Anyway, the rules. Number four, I can smell. Oh, this morning sucked. Don’t they all? Don’t crap in the house V. This was my fault after being up at 2:00 AM. Three is stealing isn’t necessary. Two is to answer when called. And one, of course, being (drumroll) ta-da, don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

The fact that Virgil’s not answering me. Virgil could be all “A Dog’s Purpose” Sophia. No, I won’t be going all “Braxton, Braxton, BRAXTON!” So why say B’s been reincarnated:

  1. Virgil’s former name was Archie. So B to A.
  2. Virgil has two brown patches, one by both eyes. How I loved Braxton’s eyes.
  3. Virgil is black and white; I swear I heard B say. It can’t be more black and white, Dad
  4. Virgil has three black patches from head to tail. Comedy comes in threes, right?
  5. Virgil had heartworms and survived as Braxton had a heart murmur, and he lived.
  6. Virgil has been hacking much like B III would.
  7. Virgil goes on paper. Shit, I put on paper

I do mean of the writing variety Lady Sophia. I am not so depraved… And I am sure I have forgotten a few more reasons to say Virgil is Braxton. Hell! If I went the other way, Lady Sophia… Why am I still calling out to Braxton when I let Virgil out? Defending B’s bed? I look at Virgil and see a big bill waiting to happen if he keeps his coughing fits. Damn! Must everything be about money these days for me? And if I did give Virgil back… it’s not like I’d get a refund. Again, this isn’t the first time or the last I’ll waste money. I finished listening to the Succubus Lord audiobooks again. And “MY” time? To B Ruled V

565 Days Without B III, Day 006 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will