Tag: Honesty

Gospel 333 ~Dreams Of A B-Lister~

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If you are as you say you are, a superstar as the song goes. I was in my B’s eyes, and are they on me now? One of the “crazy” things with anxiety and being an introvert is thinking people are watching and fading into obscurity. “Dreams Of A B-Lister”

Sunday, May 30, 2021

Gospel 333 ~Dreams Of A B-Lister~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, while you’re “just a picture-perfect nothing,” as the song goes. To be so mean this morning… sorry.

B could be, but usually, it was “Daddy let’s walk” or “Daddy, it’s too early.” God knows you could use either one of those with the days passing you by. The truth is, you need B III, but here you are, Day 119. Oh, so very glad you chose to keep track of B’s passing, hmm? Speaking of dying, I almost did so many years ago when I got a D in some math class. Hell, a D was my best friend… and yours, but we’ll get to that. The point is here you are daring to be a B-Lister when there are so many other letters of the alphabet. Now don’t go crazy, remember Braxton is watching you. Your camera’s for the waist down.

You still dream of B III running around your ankles. Yep, the way he would perch when I knelt down. THEY talk of being knocky in the knees ha, that’s what love does. When I did stand and he would as well, with two paws on my knee. Um, I was steady; I was brave. I’ve said before that Mother is God in the eyes of a child, but what is Daddy? The gods defeated the titans; what is a king without a queen. As always, a man provides. To Braxton, I was the morning and evening star. Seriously, you become pretty religious with Braxton. Because he sees you as he always has, “Through Heaven’s Eyes.” Yet you want more, or at least I do.

That’s what kept me up last night, “Stuff and Thangs,” that no one will ever see. You’d like to think you’ve grown up from that complaining, conniving, and crying ragamuffin you were. Yeah, you needed all the attention. Braxton; “the greatest fan of your life.” Strange how simple it is to share yourself with the world. To choose the spotlight when no one is watching but yourself. So much so that notice you have forgotten those um Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, The Art of War (Crappy Version)
    Completed
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
    Partial
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 149 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 156) No Fap
  5. I WILL Work On Getting My Tattoo
    Failed
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

The same wins and losses, it seems, and soon you will have to do even more, not even listed. At least you won’t be mobbed; questions of Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Spontaneous by Aaron Starmer
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 156 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL Work On Getting My Tattoo Of Braxton
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am

What do I ask of you this week? Like Spontaneous, “Survive.” Dreams Of A B-Lister.

119 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 330 ~Just A Minute B~

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At least with the Day Job, every minute nets me something. The minutes I’m wasting with “Stuff and Thangs” isn’t helping. Only all those minutes I had with my son, where did they all go? “Just A Minute B.”

Thursday, May 27, 2021

Gospel 330 ~Just A Minute B~

116 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I understand if you can’t bark right now. I’m pretty busy too, “stuff and thangs.”

It’s still funny… well, not, but you know what I mean. I have this whole empty house, and I turn into a monk. I don’t have to let you outside or wait until I get into the shower. Hell, I’ve started a whole new “project,” but I’m only sending off videos of better days, Braxton. Speaking of which, while I was looking up old material, and yes, I am always working on your album. It’s the reason it’s taking so long. Everywhere I look, there you are. I have videos of your baths and of you working on your pancake impressions in my lap, Braxton. What I wouldn’t give for one more of those. The last time you sat in my lap… again, not really.

The vet gave us time, but you were hurting. You were hurting that Friday, January 29, 2021. What I mean is that day, you chose to climb into my lap. The first time you asked me for something that I couldn’t give. To save you. Dammit, the minutes were wasted. Braxton, I’m not yelling at you, and I’ll never stop saying this is my fault. I know it B III. When you asked for a minute, it was my duty, responsibility, and honor to be there B. But was I?

I remember when you leaned against me as I brushed my teeth and I was scared for you. But no worries B III, I came back from the Day Job, and you were better and pretty hungry too. Popcorn’s good

I swear there aren’t enough hours in the day to love you. You know something; part of the reason I became a monk, ha-ha, is because besides getting to The Rainbow Bridge. I know that’s not how it works, but I’m thinking of all that time gone. I’m torturing myself. You never wanted my pain, and that’s why you didn’t come into the bathroom and lean against my leg again. You had the strength to make it to your water because you wanted me to believe you were okay. Triple B, you hid under the bed because I started freaking out. SIGH it wasn’t fair, Braxton, but I had my moments. 15 Years or 7,884,000 minutes and the month of January. Just A Minute B.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Gospel 329 ~To Understand Braxton’s Writes~

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How often did I write about Braxton before? It’s still such a shame it took his passing for me to put his name on the page. Still, he was a minority, Chihuahua, an only child, and he loved me even in stories. To Understand Braxton’s Writes.

Wednesday, May 26, 2021

Gospel 329 ~To Understand Braxton’s Writes~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and like any other American, I have the right to remain silent. I won’t, though, nope.

If I had my way, to fulfill a “promise” I made to Madam Justice. I would much rather talk about Copious Cleavage, Titanic Ta-tas, Supersized Slobber Knockers. Indeed my shame. So if it’s not going to be about “stuff and thangs.” If you don’t understand by now, my euphemism for sex. I wish I could forget about my rage and wrath at the Day Job. Inspector Echo, that’s a lie because the only person I hate more than the ASM and my father at this point is myself. For the high crime, I won’t shut up about. I killed my son. It’s been 115 days. Braxton still appears, if not the main subject of my blogging, journaling, confessing. Pray tell, is this Exhibit A?

Did I tell you I killed Braxton twice? My first offering writing with Camp NaNoWriMo in April was to end Bastian “Barks” Bennett. Bastian was the adopted Mexican child of the main protagonist. Antagonist… Father Win William Bridgman. Novels mourn freely. While on the subject of Camp NaNoWriMo, I believe the next one is in July. I intend to write about the real Braxton Barks Bradford but is it out of love or laziness? I want to put the letters I’ve been writing to him in it, but that means so much of the work’s complete. Not only do I feel like a cheater but to exploit Braxton in such a way. My tragedy, my woe, “Is It A Crime” Inspector. One more for the list.

As you know, it’s sort of hard to be into “stuff and thangs” when all I do is mourn B III. I signed up again for “stuff and thangs,” what was it Friday, and they rejected me. It’s still Saturday, and you’re the fourth girl I’ve talked to. Yes, this week sucks… is it worse? Inspector, I should have spoken to Braxton more, even if it meant writing less. What was it? Four years ago I started writing about, you know who. And every day since it’s been these words, these words, these words Echo. They have power, and fuck what I wanted to do, I want them to bring Braxton back… they never do. Keeping love alive, rather than hate. To Understand Braxton’s Writes

115 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 328 ~Trying, A, B, C’s~

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“Show you how to be man, how to be the boss,” as the song goes. My Old Man was old school, a man ain’t supposed to cry, and if a man provides, you don’t need to talk about love. I want to learn better, but then there’s my first son. Trying A, B, C’s.

Tuesday, May 25, 2021

Gospel 328 ~Trying, A, B, C’s~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so I must be able to care for our family. Black Lives Matter, A Man Provides

I could give you a list of things I believe in. God is not amongst them. We’re still not on speaking terms since Braxton passed. Hell, we weren’t much for speaking when B III was alive. And well, except for some prayer anytime I left him alone; Braxton’s protection, safety. Sounding somewhat like Toby “Roots,” oh, I ain’t never going to be no Christian man. As the song goes, My Love well um, it’s this “I hope he’s not like me, I hope he understands.” I want our kids to love like you, and I want to love them like I did my firstborn, Braxton. Yeah, after what happened to him? No, I happened to him. Fifteen years, eleven months, I’m still learning of fatherhood.

What can I tell you about my own father? I’m thirty-six, so I don’t envy the man, which is one of the reasons I want to remain a billionaire. I have yet to learn that money doesn’t fix it all, but I finally crawled out of bed after how long? A Man Provides, that’s true. Baby Girl, it’s always going to hurt, but we learn to live with it. That’s something I don’t want to teach our children. Maybe I’m wrong, not STUPID, but wrong. Those aren’t the same thing. At the old Day Job, they might as well be another reason for hating retail. That’s something I promise never to teach our kids. I’ll never teach them to hate, but how to stand up?

Why do you think I want to name our daughters Katniss, Tris, and Ember, girls on fire? If we have a boy and a girl, Luke, and Leia? One boy, Dante, or would I dare to name him after his big bro Braxton. B got his middle name Barks because it was his biggest feature. Here we are discussing baby names. And haven’t I sworn I would never have another fur baby? Yeah, that’s coming from the man that checks out Adopt-a-Pet every now and again. My mother, my son, even you, Baby Doll, have made me the man I am today. God didn’t make men, but men made gods. We make love; we make children. Before that was Braxton. Love? Trying, A, B, C’s

114 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 327 ~Fire, Iron Evaporate The Enemy~

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I could use a drink, but I’ve stopped with the Jell-O shots for now for some reason. Plus, I’m not a girl that just turned 21, ha-ha. I don’t want to sound like an old man with all the liquids, but I am a warrior. Fire, Iron Evaporate The Enemy, hmm.

Monday, May 24, 2021

Gospel 327 ~Fire, Iron Evaporate The Enemy~

Hundred And Eighty-Ninth Rule

Madame Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now but not from the Vaccine. Must I keep talking about the COVID-19 Vaccine? How about my son?

I would indeed talk about good things than my enemies. Hell, Madam Justice, there are enough tears and blood in the world without me adding to the flood. Now, of course, I did earlier on this “Saturday” morning. Yes, it’s the return of time travel. Monday sucks! I suppose it could be worse; is there a knife in anyone’s ribs? Am I behind bars? THEY say the pen is mightier than the sword, or how about a finger, the press of a button. Don’t I owe it to B to know how I killed him? There were far too many tears on that day, Madam. Then the tears fell to the flames thanks to the fucking ASM. My second betrayal; giving way to Anger, dammit.

A confession is more for Inspector Echo, and I’m sure I’ll tell her this as well. Sometimes a tear gives way to laughs. Copious Cleavage, Titanic Ta-tas, Supersized Slobber knockers. Thank you, Shelby, from Girlfriend Reviews. I’ve had my tears for B earlier, um yep. I told Indiana Gone the other day about all the marriages and babies I see all around me. So much life, and I do want to be a father again. Who knows, there might be some puppy right now nursing waiting for me. Madam Justice, I cannot prophesy. However, I’m talking to you from the past, and all I can be sure of is war. Fire and Blood, Winter is Coming, Ours is the Fury. Hate is inevitable, Madam Justice.

It’s not like THEY want anything else from me, at least from the email I got this morning. Talk about “stuff and thangs,” and I can’t stress this enough, I’m a monk, but why, hmm? I would say spit it out, but there’s a reason I don’t talk to people at the fucking Day Job. Do you think that my language has changed over time? I’ll keep my mask regardless. Maybe I should get into drinking Madam Justice. I did buy some Jell-O shots from Walmart. Yeah, I’m still mad at them for cheating me, but alcohol fixes everything, right? No, the fact remains as the song goes, “I’m only human after all.” I love Braxton, wanted a goddess and Fire, Iron Evaporate The Enemy.

113 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 326 ~This World Be Longs~

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I wish I could live in B III’s world again or at least see it through his eyes. He only had to deal with me. When I think about everyone at my “freaking” Day Job or the chick that got me for $50… I’m not such a bad guy. This World Be Longs.

Sunday, May 23, 2021

Gospel 326 ~This World Be Longs~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, but this legacy belongs to you. Yeah, you’re working so your dog can have a better life.

You woke up wondering how Braxton did it. His world wasn’t a huge place. Hell, as the song goes, “it’s a very, very Mad World.” Only are you the one that’s crazy? I had oh so many days to do something in the place Braxton loved. You exist, fearing tomorrow. Are you “Waiting on the World to Change?” Once again, you can’t give into that apathy that killed Braxton that every day is no different. Even though the last time the world did make a change was 112 days ago when he left it. You should appreciate walking his path. For some damnable reason, though, I was yearning to get back out there. Always the sadist. You’re a Sucker For Pain and Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Owned: The Bundle by Neil Bimbeau
    Completed
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
    Partial
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 142 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 149) No Fap
  5. I WILL Work On Getting My Tattoo
    Failed
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

“It’s The End of the World as We Know It.” How dare you think that after what this day brought before. You don’t want to go to the Day Job and whose fault is that. Yeah, I know, and I’m sorry, but you saw that email you got today. What comes next… stuff and thangs? “He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands,” as THEY say. Your novel, universe, pencil? I can imagine how much that chick made in 3 minutes, $50.00 easy-peasy lemon squeezy. Having the whole world in your hands now would mean Braxton being alive once more. You long to have his tenacity, that willingness to go on. Nobody’s forcing you to do anything, but what else is there. Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, The Art of War (Crappy Version)
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 149 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL Work On Getting My Tattoo
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am

Again I apologize that there’s not “A Whole New World” for you in the six days I had. There was always the world I promised for B III. A mom for him, a wife for you. There should be a yard grander than this whole neighborhood. Braxton’s new siblings will need protection. “What A Wonderful World” should be the name of the game. You would even settle for Las Vegas in “Army of the Dead.” Anything beats going back to the Day Job, right? Then why did I sleep all this week? Fuck Saturday was my best day, being honest. As for any advice I can give you, treat this world as Braxton did. Your world’s so much bigger, though, SIGH. This World Be Longs

112 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 323 ~Point A To B~

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A sharp-dressed man takes on new meaning with a needle in my arm. I didn’t get all spiffy when Braxton got his needle. Of course, I still argue whether it was for better or worse. He’s not suffering, and I’m not living so the point. Point A To B

Thursday, May 20, 2021

Gospel 323 ~Point A To B~

109 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? At least you’re alive, somewhere, my heart. The only reason to put it back together

What about a reason to go take a walk? I was barely able to cut the backyard a week or so ago. Are you still watching over it and me? You spent your life chasing me around only to finally catch me and say goodbye. Of course, who’s fault was that? B, I killed you. The point of a needle, no my friend, the tip of the sword. I’ve told this story to anyone who would listen. Hell, to those that don’t care to. My anger, rage, my wrath towards those who wished me ill. All so I could fulfill the promise to you that I’ll be back B, ok? Sorry if I’m sounding a bit like the Terminator; M Anime sent me something yesterday.

The point of the needle B III that I won’t be facing today as it’s too late. Yeah, it’s 7:00 AM right now, B, so my day is already shot to Hell since I didn’t wake up at 4:00 AM. Before you received your final shot, I should have fought for every single second, Braxton. I didn’t want you to suffer any longer than you had to. So why don’t I get out there and take my medicine as it were? Maybe I’m asking your permission to live, to die, make your choice. The one I took from you because what was the point of your life Triple B hmm? I’m not being mean because you chose to love me despite everything. I love you.

109 Days Later and 15 years 11 months before. How many times did the point of the pen or my finger touch on that? You won’t be forgotten, B III, not as long as I live. The point of the vaccine is living; it’s something to get back to you. Dying is us together always. What is the point of my life right now? It’s like I think at the Day Job when you’re going through Hell, you keep going. Will Smith said something to the tune of if you’re not making someone’s life better, then you’re wasting your time. Braxton, a purpose fulfilled. That might be plagiarism, but that would mean I’m published too. To speak of us, Braxton. That’s Point A To B.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Gospel 322 ~Needling Away Might B…~

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Plenty of religious movies that say Mark of the Beast this; shot that, but I’m not a man of faith. If Trumptards are against this, then it must be good. My son B III would want his Dad alive. To vaccinate or not, against COVID? Needling Away Might B…

Wednesday, May 19, 2021

Gospel 322 ~Needling Away Might B…~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, a proud American, a good father, and an alright man. Like before, it’s fun to dream.

Since I’ll say I’m a Billionaire tomorrow, let me focus on being an American. The American Dream. Before B III, I was in the military, In The Navy but only a few weeks of Basic Training. That was the last time I ever intentionally saw a needle for myself, Echo. Now Braxton saw plenty, including his last one… we’ll get to that soon. Anyway, I don’t understand why this is such a hard decision to vaccinate or not from COVID-19. I’m not a Stupid Trumptard. Inspector Echo, I trust the science and want to do my part, USA yay. Honor, Courage, Commitment, yeah, one more reason I didn’t stick to my guns, literally on some ship. Nobody’s saying I can’t still wear my mask around…

I wasn’t when B took all his needles from the first to the last. Hell, half the time, I laughed, always telling him, “Be A Man B.” He’s a scaredy-cat…

Anytime we went into PetSmart or over to Banfield, it was like he was walking The Green Mile. Or it was Room 101 from the book 1984 (scary). Allow me to be overly dramatic. If it were between having Braxton looking at me those last moments or the cage with the rats? He’s not asking me to do that, though. Braxton would want me to be healthy and safe, especially since he’s no longer here to protect me. If the vaccine did kill me, well, like I’ve been saying, I’ve got it coming. It’s deserved. Does it beat exploding “Spontaneous?”

Yes, I’m still a grown man obsessed with a movie about high school. I’d be lying if I said a bit of peer pressure wasn’t involved with my decision. What, I’ve made a decision? That explains why I have been sleeping so late or Depression? It’s almost 7:00 AM, shame. A “decent” man once said, “Listen to the woman,” or women in this case. I would do anything for a pretty girl. My second BFF hasn’t gotten the vaccine, but her hubby has. A woman I’m hoping to do “stuff and thangs” with is pleading with me not to take it. What kind of man am I then? Braxton’s father always, forever, and would he be proud of me after yesterday… Needling Away Might B…

108 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 321 ~B In The Doghouse~

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The Day Job is Hell, the Decisions I will have to make (Mask or No) but the Doghouse… Between Grief and Nothing, I choose Grief, but I am a minority of one in that. The High Priest of the House of Braxton. B In The Doghouse but shut up

Tuesday, May 18, 2021

Gospel 321 ~B In The Doghouse~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I don’t think I’ve seen all our money in any one place. Would be dangerous

One more reason I haven’t finished my album for Braxton besides being lazy. Yes, lazy, not sad, or moving into Depression (shudders). I still deny I’m even into Bargaining, even though we’ve been doing plenty as of late. It’s been 107 days since Braxton’s passing. Again another reason I’m hiding out in the Study instead of facing you like a man. Of course, “I prefer handwritten sentiments,” so you have Braxton beat there. But I’m pretty sure he could read some. Okay, so I am going crazy, but you and the children are here too? Not very comforting? What I mean is, it’s because of Braxton I learned the value of a picture and of keeping family close. B III, you, them, you are everywhere.

Baby girl “If I had my way, then surely you would be closer. I need you closer.” I’d like nothing more than to be in bed with you and just talk about B III. To tell you how much I miss my boy and that I need him, love. I need you, I need us, and to believe in love. Even my second best friend is getting sick of me talking about him, and she and I never fight. You and I, on the other hand… At the old Day Job, all I ever did was rage, and I don’t want my home to be that way ever. It’s not going to be how it once was, either Baby Doll. Never again with B gone.

To think I complained about dog hair when Braxton sat on one of my masks. I will miss wearing masks because a year wasn’t enough time to break me of fake smiling. That’s what it would be, pretend, in dreams, just my imagination. Oh, but to stay in Denial always. Only I can’t hide from you being here and my Dæmon being gone forever. But where am I to go? I’m starting to understand the true meaning of loss and being lost because Grief is love with no place to go. Not that I’m blaming you at all, ever because I wish I could climb inside his doghouse or box…

He wanted to stay; let me lay here forgetting the world. B In The Doghouse.

107 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 320 ~Leash Your Demons, Never Tame~

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Braxton’s leash is free and remains unused for what is now 106 Days and counting like all of his other things. Meanwhile, there is no stopping the mighty dollar, my mourning, or my mooning. Leash Your Demons, Never Tame.

Monday, May 17, 2021

Gospel 320 ~Leash Your Demons, Never Tame~

Hundred And Eighty-Eighth Rule

Madame Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now. I have my boy, and I own a brothel. It’s fun dreaming…

Let’s start with the first; if I had a billion dollars. Of course, the song is If I Had A Million Dollars, but I dream big, or still of Braxton. The money doesn’t matter much anymore, not after B III. If I want to try again, though… All I’ve read on fur babies says it’s natural, betrayal; Madam Justice, not betrayal but guilt. Let’s meet in the middle and call it Treachery. But like all my sins, I am one to downgrade myself to greed. It’s one of the reasons this week I want to focus on getting my tattoo of B III. It will be expensive, I guess, but Braxton’s life? B’s worth everything. With anger, I blame greed. Money is the root of all evil, The O’Jays sing.

So why couldn’t I save him? I’m beginning to move more and more into Bargaining, but you know I don’t want to. It’s like Dante making his way through the circles of Hell, and what is the next? More beats, more breaths, and blankets full of tears. Today’s date 106. Hell, I couldn’t stop Braxton even when he knew he was dying. What a horrible thought? Do you think he accepted that while everything in him told him to keep going? Fuck Madam Justice, I’m one fucked up human being, but the thought of hurting my child, I could never. It’s still so weird that on one side of the coin, I’m free. On the other without my Cerberus to guard me, I’m a monk.

This, of course, guides me to my worse “sins” I gave up Dirty Diana, I believe Thursday, February 4, 2021. I haven’t done “stuff and thangs” since Thursday, December 24, 2020. It’s when I wanted to be a better father, and I should have gifted B with a mother, right? I’m only a man (snickers.) I saw someone ask (Onlyfans girl) when did she think of herself as an adult. I can’t tell you like she did when she said she bought her own house. My Olds took out a mortgage. They pay some of the bills. I have a job, hobbies (stuff and thangs.) Yet I am Braxton’s father? To leash the horny fanboy. Become someone Braxton’s proud of. Trying Madam Justice, I’m trying. Leash Your Demons, Never Tame

106 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will