Tag: Honesty

Gospel 319 ~Weight For Me B~

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How tall am I… Braxton figured I was a king, and he was my little prince, who became the angel on my shoulder, and now? Is he somewhere in the clouds? I still carry him in my heart, though, so I guess I’m strong enough, maybe. “Weight For Me B.”

Sunday, May 16, 2021

Gospel 319 ~Weight For Me B~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, and you can’t wait to see how much all that money weighs. Well, you have a week.

Hell, you don’t need a billion dollars. You don’t even need a million. Do you Remember The Time when you thought that $200.00 would solve all of life’s issues? Wasn’t it 105 days ago you were paying out $455.96 and praying for a miracle to save B, and then what? Good things come in small packages; good things come to those who wait. Why not go all Nelly Furtado and sing? “Why do all good things come to an end?” Only Braxton wasn’t just a good thing, a good boy. Braxton was good, better, best. He’s My Son, yours, always. Which is heavier, you think; love or hate? Dead or alive, you will carry Braxton always and forever. But now, here are Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Melody Exposed by Imogen Linn
    Completed
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
    Partial
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 135 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 142) No Fap
  5. I WILL Cut The Backyard Lawn This Week
    Completed
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

“Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.” – The Shawshank Redemption

No wonder you feel so tired as I did three of these things but the main ideas on the list? You’ve been all about the music this morning, so here’s another. All You Need Is Love. Not enough of that to go round, but then again, B was so small. Just A Touch of Love. Now it’s time for the psychological portion of our conversation? Both Indiana Gone and M Anime would kick your ass for saying this but AHEM, your taste in women? You’re still a monk but think about them and your two new subscriptions on OnlyFans… what? Braxton was a man of comfort, leisure, and big Yabbos. Always, like father like son. This morning it’s Braxton, Bed, Big ’Uns, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Owned: The Bundle by Neil Bimbeau
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 142 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL Work On Getting My Tattoo
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am

Okay, not so psychological then, but the mind is heavy these days. I wish I could say it was The Art of War. Hope for the best prepare for the worse that bastard, meathead ASM. Your heart remains heavy with losing Braxton. To think when your heart was full of love, it was such a light thing, and now trying to pick up the bits. Step By Step, thanks, Whitney. Let’s not get into which Whitney, but what about this week? I would ask that you try and enjoy it? No, why not get some fucking work done, so you don’t have to do, the week after. As I was alluding to, there will be heavy lifting but the smallest coffins… Weight For Me B.

105 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 316 ~To B A Mom~

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If I wasn’t so damn Depressed… please, God, no, I would say I could explode at any time. Hell, just saying that got me on some list, but I’m talking about the movie “Spontaneous” (2020). Moms might get mad at me, but what else is new. To B A Mom

Thursday, May 13, 2021

Gospel 316 ~To B A Mom~

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? How about how dare I, am I right? But for now, it’s just us two.

I was nowhere near ready to be your father and your Mom… Back when I was only your uncle, but you know how your Mom was. She called you her “real first baby,” yep. Braxton, I texted your grandmommy too. Now I didn’t send her anything, and doesn’t that sound familiar. I didn’t get you a Christmas present but for your sweet sixteen B… What would have been, but I thought we had more time. I’m sure that’s what your furry Mom thought too. Women and life um… Bitches, man

Again how dare I, but as the song goes, “That I’ll be standing right here talking to you.” Well, more like lounging around in bed. It’s been 102 days since the vet “said you sailed a big ship. Said you sailed away.” Well more poetically, like something from my playlist. Anything to cover up the silence B. I can’t remember crying in my Ma’s arms or any woman’s, to be honest. Right now, I can still feel you beside me. You’re lying against my legs, or you’re warm under the covers. There are clean clothes for you to indulge in. You could listen to me bitch to the ladies, Inspector Echo, Dear Future Wife, Dirty Diana. Of course, you replaced the last one, and you never met Dear Future Wife, aka your Mom. The book I’m going to write next NaNoWriMo could be 50,000 words of I’m sorry, remember that? Boys need a Mom, and I’m not being political there.

Last night after watching “Spontaneous” (2020), I felt pretty… Depressed. Today I don’t want to think about Depression, the fourth stage of grief. Watching all the Republican bull afterward didn’t help. I understand why my sister raised you watching Disney. Exploding wouldn’t be so bad, B III. It wasn’t so quick for you, I know, but five days and you were gone. Boom! When Mara was walking away covered in um, such and such blood, that’s how I felt, and I didn’t have my Ma or anybody to hold me. I bitch to you, Braxton. My bannerman, my best friend, my boy. Whoever would have been my wife and your Mom, damn, that’s asking everything.

I’ve shed enough tears for two. To B A Mom

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Gospel 315 ~A Mom’s B Leaving~

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Once in my life, I wanted to be a fighter pilot. Not really to serve but “reasons.” I don’t blame people for not counting on me. I can’t trust myself. But to not be a good enough son or especially a father because I’ll “F Up.” A Mom’s B Leaving.

Wednesday, May 12, 2021

Gospel 315 ~A Mom’s B Leaving~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I know it won’t be because of puns. Hell, I’ll take care of my mom.

Did that sound “sinister,” Inspector? You know what I mean, but I wasn’t even able to look after B III. It’s why he’s on the nightstand and not on the bed. I was saying today, May 8… yes, it’s going to be a bad week; I was thinking of that song “You Were Loved,” yep. Like mother like son, I guess. My Ma’s a big fan of Whitney Houston. While I can’t say I am, this song has made it onto my playlist for B III. Well, that is until the fucking ASM took it away from me. Should I be ashamed I’m still going on about that meathead bastard? Anyway, there is one verse that keeps playing between Charlie Brown’s language and my RAGE.

“When somebody cares that you’re alive
When somebody trusts you with their life.”
You Were Loved by Whitney Houston

My Ma doesn’t trust me. I’m always one to be direct, like saying I killed Braxton. Let me share a story with you. One night, still living with My Olds in my late twenties… another part of my shame? Okay, it’s late enough that Braxton stayed within his comfy spot. Strangely enough, my Ma comes downstairs and leaves. She didn’t say a word, only she hopped in the car and drove away. I figured something happened to my “father’s” truck, and she went to pick him up or something. In the morning, I found out she thought she was having a heart attack and drove to the nearby fire station for help. She could have died, but she didn’t trust me enough to say “HELP.”

Now I could play it as her wanting to protect me. A mother protects her kids, and she didn’t want me to see her like that. But something happened at the Day Job, and um, I have two words for you “short bus.” We’ll get into that at some point, but yep Ma and B. Ma knew I’d fuck up.

Does Braxton feel the same way? Every Wednesday, I remember him crying, and I ignored him, and come Thursday, it was as if he’d gotten over it. I have admired his strength over those last days, but no Inspector Echo. He knew his Daddy couldn’t make it better, but he had to save himself. Braxton didn’t fail; I did. Fuck up. A Mom’s B Leaving

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 314 ~100 Days Before Braxton…~

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It’s been 100 days, and I live in one being January 31, 2021. The worst day of my life; how dare I. “B III” didn’t live to see the end of it dying 4:00 PM (approximately). But who I was on Oct 23, Jan 31, and maybe on Aug 19. 100 Days Before Braxton.

Tuesday, May 11, 2021

Gospel 314 ~100 Days Before Braxton…~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I have been without my firstborn son, my Braxton, for 100 days. That’s 144,000 minutes.

The man I was before January 31st at approximately 4:00 PM (3: 46 PM when the bill was printed). That man has ceased to be. No, that man fucking died along with my child. Reading that bill only destroys me. It’s why I haven’t really looked at you, our family. Having become THIS or remained with 100 days, what would I be if I lost you, our kids, or anything else. I haven’t been, as Will Smith puts it, “being the best lover and friend. Am I being the best daddy I can?” 100 days My Love and I sing “I’m no prophet or messiah.” Yet here I am, no longer writing it but living:

Friday, October 23, 2020 (100 Days Before Braxton’s Rainbow Bridge)

“Does that mean I’m STUPID, that BORED? Would the ENDINGS be worth all of it? Even in my novel, I still mourn the deaths of a family. In the second, I grieve for a dead girl and an upcoming marriage. Despite everything, I always figured I wanted to be in love and be a family man. Only that wasn’t the story’s end in any form.” 114: Willing The Story’s End

From January 31st to now… I know we have been over it. For 72 days, I lived in Denial and still do. After, I gave into Anger. On day 86, I talked about a dream that went into Bargaining. I’ve been looking into that, but I haven’t for a second thought what I do now? How many times do I repeat myself? I’m not angry at Braxton or the vets. I hate myself, but I despise the Day Job so much more. I can and have given up parts of my “lifestyle.” B III isn’t coming back. If I publish tomorrow, he won’t walk in begging to be beside me. But he died on a Sunday, that Monday I worked. Then only to be threatened.

In 100 days, it will be August 19, 2021. I will still love you, hell I’ll love you more for staying with me. If I’m a daddy to our children. You know how I feel about parents who fail their kids. Now I’m one big fucking failure as I walked into B’s room today counting. Nothing will change with Bargaining, and I can only hope I’m mad as Hell. I’m not going through Depression. I have cried every day since Braxton’s passing. There were 2 days but talking to someone brought on my tears, and one night forgetting Braxton’s meds. Will I be a better man, a husband, a father, a friend, I don’t know? But there hasn’t been much love, 100 Days Before Braxton…

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 313 ~I Will Not Die Today~

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Well, I’m definitely not dead yet but considering what awaits me today? If I knew Braxton would forgive me if he forgave me after the last day of his life? No day can be just another day, but what to do with this one. “I Will Not Die Today”

Monday, May 10, 2021

Gospel 313 ~I Will Not Die Today~

Hundred And Eighty-Seventh Rule

Madame Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I wouldn’t be if I had found death much earlier, hmm.

This all will sound like a broken record Madam Justice. The idea that death was scared of me. Or how I read about cowards meeting death, but the brave meet it but once. With Braxton’s passing and the fact that I killed him, I believe it should have been me first. Back in B.B. (Before B), I was someone like the “Man” from The Road (2009). I should be ashamed that B III has become somewhat a daily ritual, but he beats suicide. No worries, Madam, if I did take suicide “seriously,” B would never forgive me. I know that much. Madam Justice, to take such a step, I’d always blame people. As the song goes, “I’m no prophet or messiah,” looking towards the future…

I’m time traveling even further now. From May 2, 2021, to May 10, 2021. Has life gotten so bad that I need even more time to sleep? Who knows, but I’ve had some horrific ones. I’m a multiple suicide attempter… is that such a thing? Please don’t make me out to be Bill Dauterive from King of the Hill. Maybe I need something wrong to fail at to be good. Now my usual methods have been overdose, starvation, and dehydration. I didn’t eat or drink for a whole week, which landed me in the hospital. One lousy night some years back, Madam. I lost B once because I hadn’t eaten in 3 days, and I confessed to National Suicide Prevention. Braxton saved my life, Justice.

To think I failed him once because, after my hospital stay, my “father” told me B III had dirty drinking water, I was so out of it. Suicide wasn’t my shame but failing little Braxton. After the cops came because of my busy fingers chatting, my Olds cut me off. And I had to leave Braxton because I didn’t have a place I could bring him to. After that fuck-up… As I always told him, “I’ll be back.” I wasn’t allowed to die because he needed me. I AM a father. Braxton IS my son. Another reason I want Captain America’s shield, if you get killed, walk it off. The Day Job kills me, and without Braxton here and with all the hate I feel…

I Will Not Die Today

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 312 ~Mother’s Work B Grinning~

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Not exactly what you want to hear on Mother’s Day. I mean, I love my Ma. Braxton loved grandmommy and his second mom. I never met his first one, but to give birth to such a soul as B III… Mother’s Work B Grinning; did B find her on the Rainbow Bridge

Sunday, May 9, 2021

Gospel 312 ~Mother’s Work B Grinning~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now. Even if you get on my level, you can’t turn back time. Never met Braxton’s furry mom.

No, today is the day for B III’s first mom, aka your sister. She’s got two kids now, but first came Braxton. I liked to think that you’ve grown beyond grading mothers on everything. You can’t say much about your sis other than your nephews are happy; um, judgy much? Anyway, when it came to Braxton, she was pretty protective and demanding. With everything your “father” has dinged you on, he only ever came down on her because of B.

The days when B had to make a decision on who he would stay with. Yep, he left Sis’s nest. Or maybe he felt I needed more protection. Didn’t I say yesterday Mother is God in a child’s eyes? You’re a TITAN… Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Succubus Lord 14: Swimsuit Edition
    Completed
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
    Partial
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 128 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 135) No Fap
  5. I WILL Cut The Backyard Lawn This Week
    Failed
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

Yeah, those say otherwise, and what would your Ma think? When it came to Braxton… that he was the cutest thing ever. Even when he tried to take my thumb off, Ma got ready to go and grab him up. But she did forget about her grandson as well. Again you said you weren’t going to do this. These are B III’s memories. Not that he cared when Ma called me “Braxton’s Brother” instead of “Uncle.” I was on Braxton’s level. Then again, you hold B higher than any human walking the planet. But then there is Ma, right. Braxton loved them both, and though I loved him like pancakes, it was never enough. Dear Braxton needed a forever mom, but yeah, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Melody Exposed by Imogen Linn
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 135 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL Cut The Backyard Lawn This Week
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am

The last time I talked to my sister was last month or so… getting another kid. And I could get another sister. How long did it take me to find B’s Aunt Indiana Gone? Happy Mother’s Day Indiana. I hope you and yours are happy. So many holidays around her. As for your Ma, B’s sweet grandmommy. Happy Mother’s Day, though. I’m sure I’ll never let you read this. She’s glad you’re still alive, and she loves you. Of course, you know better than to question that ever again. A mom gives life… you, oh what did you do? This might sound like bargaining, but if only I had found Braxton another mom sooner, might he have lived? To grieve unalone. Mother’s Work B Grinning

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 309 ~Catching Our Tales Braxton~

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Braxton was never one to go chasing his TAIL as he was always so busy following me. Like The Road, “Sometimes I TELL the boy old stories of courage and justice,” it was never many of those. “Catching Our Tales Braxton…” maybe the world will know

Thursday, May 6, 2021

Gospel 309 ~Catching Our Tales Braxton~

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Like last week when we spoke around this time, there was no story to tell.

If I do get fired, did, Hell Braxton, do you have any superpowers, supernatural? Have you become all-seeing, which explains why your Daddy is still a monk and a lazy ass? I have been talking to “everyone” today. I don’t know what the next day will bring for me ever. Now it won’t be the story of your resurrection, will it? As Tupac put it, “bury me in pieces cause they fear reincarnation.” My Old Man of all people said that your spirit could be calling out from another furbaby somewhere. I guess A Dog’s Purpose was plenty for me. You’ve seen what I’ve been reading nowadays. I would ask if you ever listened to me before to please avert your eyes and ears B.

You hated my phone as it took my attention away from you. Daddy always had a song for you, so let me sing. “Son, what you don’t understand, my words might never explain. So I am hoping that time will.” When I took a shower, though… Daddy’s stuff and thangs. However, when I wasn’t looking those things up, I’ve been researching what took you away. Oh, I still blame myself, no doubt, and I don’t blame you for wanting to get to the bottom of it. I read in Succubus Lord how the Shades relive their deaths over and over. Not saying you went to Hell, of course, unless Cerberus needed friendship or you’re saving me a spot by the fire. The two of us…

Didn’t I tell you I killed off your character writing for Camp NaNoWriMo? I swear if I write another book for the next one, it will be about us, I promise. Maybe I will include these letters with some poetry, and I’ve gotten into photography books. What do you think? Braxton, I haven’t been telling the happy stories about us these days because I explained to someone. Without your love, the void has been filled with hate, I’m afraid. Rage, I have no problem letting out, but if I had shown more love to you and less wrath to others, I wish? What I wouldn’t give to have you lying on my ass again as I come up with these gems of wisdom Little B.

I’m trying, and one day, hopefully Catching Our Tales Braxton.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Gospel 308 ~When Braxton Throws Shade~

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Many things went over B’s head, covers, underneath the bed, the roof of his dog house, the fact that I would bring his water to him, and he didn’t have to be so strong. Now he’s over my head, probably giving me that look. “When Braxton Throws Shade.”

Wednesday, May 5, 2021

Gospel 308 ~When Braxton Throws Shade~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I lie better than most. I lied plenty with Braxton. My ultimate betrayal, though…

Yes, allow me to be selfish, Inspector Echo. Hell, let Hank Hill be a better father than me. He said that he was never ashamed of Bobby. I can say I was never ashamed of Braxton, but on January 31, 2021. No, it wasn’t him; it had more to do with me when everyone saw he was dying. There was the moment I walked in with his things and then without him. Picking up remains…

Okay, now that I’ve cried a fourth time today. Inspector Echo, this is what I get for my time machine antics. It’s Saturday, May 1, 2021, so that means next week will be hot garbage SIGH. Yep much like the ASM. If I hadn’t been fired already. Yeah, throwing shade. Echo, I can share so many moments of B III throwing shade but let’s focus on the basics; it was going over his head. I mean that when Braxton would hide under the bed often enough, even on that final day. It wasn’t like he was going to die, right…

My brave boy was sick of me babying him all day long. I know this is an old story. How many times I said, “I’ll help you.” I brought his water to him, but he rejected it. Braxton could walk except out the front door, into the vet’s office, or out. That’s not funny, Echo. I remember the day I thought I lost him. I was all outside in the backyard looking for him calling, then rushing back into the house. B III was in his doghouse, waking to craziness. I can’t blame him; I mean, have you met me.

I make MCD’s look pretty good. There were many times he would sit in the Den waiting for me to show up. Nope, he wasn’t worried about my day. Just start sharing the fries. Serves me right how he died. He ignored me for love of food. And I hated humanity. Inspector Echo, he wasn’t fond of people either for sure. Let Daddy go out and deal with them while he keeps his head under the covers. Literally, Echo, the sun didn’t shine until I was home and opened the shades so he could tan. Now When Braxton Throws Shade…

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 307 ~To The B Loved~

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Dearly Beloved… it won’t be many of those when I get married. For the longest time, I thought that Braxton would be there, my Best Man. I guess I’m going to need a new vetting process because I’ve been turning my back on EVERYONE. To The B Loved

Tuesday, May 4, 2021

Gospel 307 ~To The B Loved~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and someone said love or rather passion is like money. There’s a time to save it up, a time to spend.

So where is my love? An excellent way to describe it is this, and yes, it’s an explanation that I borrowed and/or stole, yep. My love is like having $19.00 in the bank. You know it’s there, it’s yours, but you can’t go to any ATM and punch in $19.00. And walking into a bank… Please stop me, Baby Girl, before I burst into Saving All My Love For You or I Will Always Love You. You never need to doubt my love, but now it’s just so damn hard to reach right this minute. First, it was my sadness about Braxton, and these days it’s this rage against so many idiots. I wish I could turn my back on the lot of them as I turned on our family?

Never ever, Baby Doll, it’s just, well, take today for an example. You know I’m a Star Wars fan, but I’m not one of these fans starting a fight about it. I can’t watch every movie today because of Stupid people. Only Star Wars is my heart (what’s left of it). God, I miss B. Today of all days, I don’t mean to hurt my friend Indiana Gone. Happy Birthday!!! The thing is this, much as I like her, if you pitted her against my little boy, she wouldn’t stand a chance. Braxton is my firstborn. Braxton’s my longest relationship ever, father to son. There is nothing that can ever make me turn my back on him. Nothing will make me betray us, my love.

It’s just, and I’ll never understand why. But in the words of Stephen King: “God is cruel. Sometimes he makes you live.” The hatred of people, my hate of those people, took my Braxton from me. My love, you show me that all people need not be hated and feared. Braxton and I met in my twenties. And he showed me that no matter what assholes like the ASM, the gemstone bitch, or the spectator do. There is love within me— that love I give to you that made our children. I have to find it without Braxton. Good Luck.

Well, I have you, always and forever, right? I ask you not to question me, and yet I doubt you. Trying To The B Loved

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 306 ~Trade But Don’t Betray Yourself~

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The day after my son died, I traded a day of mourning for a morning at the Day Job. I gave up music to hear curses I’d level at a meathead jock asshole of an ASM. SIGH, I break “Rule 186” every day at the Day Job. Trade But Don’t Betray Yourself

Monday, May 3, 2021

Gospel 306 ~Trade But Don’t Betray Yourself~

Hundred And Eighty-Sixth Rule

Madame Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but would it be worth being a sell-out for this or that.

Not for Braxton’s life. I keep telling myself, I’m not moving into BARGAINING as of yet. People are too STUPID!!! My ANGER still rules but isn’t that one more way I have broken this rule. Take, for example, my Empathy for Apathy. No, worse, all I had left was ANGER. It’s the reason I hate the ASM and the Day Job so much. THEY remind me of killing my son by giving me the same weapon I did it with. I raged at them and, in turn, killed my boy, trying not to feel anything. When my tears threatened to wash away the blood… dammit. A meathead jock of an ASM had to fuck it all up for me. Now yes, Madam, I deserve Hell.

So with that being the case, I trade Hell for what, PRIDE? I won’t be leaving with that, I know. Um, listen to me, like I’ve been fired now. Yes, I’m back in the time machine because it’s Saturday, May 1. Last week was Hell, and this one isn’t shaping up at all. Friday, I felt a bit like Andy Dufresne in Shawshank, giving a bit of myself for my friend’s happiness. That’s a good way of putting it, Madam Justice. Andy Dufresne helped the other prisoners because he wanted to feel normal again. Indiana’s time has been shattering. If I were a God-fearing man, I would say I’m giving up silver and gold to pick up my cross. The smallest coffins are the heaviest.

How dare I right? Not only for saying that, but B III had a nice long life, but ask anyone with a furbaby. They will always be our children, and I let a fucking job try and destroy me. Braxton’s death has done that sure enough. Now all I have is that fucking Day Job. The Manager told me about my loyalty, and I would be willing to trade a decade of it for twenty days of hatred. It’s been seventy-two days since I met that bastard and ninety-two days now, so yes, twenty. Hell, I don’t even remember the man I was a ten-years prior. Only I’d trade the man I am now to be who I should have been for Braxton. Be Better… Trade But Don’t Betray Yourself.

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will