Lesson 142 ~Stop Crying Your Heart Out~

Maybe if I was left with a few beers, sometimes as the song goes I wish it would rain, could I maybe go work out in the gym, how about having some woman in my bed, anything to stop talking about my feelings “Stop Crying Your Heart Out”

Monday, November 20, 2017

Lesson 142 ~Stop Crying Your Heart Out~

Seventh Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear, but complaints, tears, frustrations, worries, and who am kidding there is fear, there is always fear, but the trick is that nobody is supposed to know it if anything that is not what a man is. As if I know what being a real man is right but on the other hand, there are plenty of days I don’t think I even have a heart at all really.

I get accused of a lot of wearing my heart on my sleeve and even today I could find plenty to cry about, how hard work was today (my boss said I look like Spike Lee) plus I’m just so tired, how this week is going to suck overall, or how about why I’m even bothering with NaNoWriMo. What about the situation I found myself in so many months ago; no question I wasn’t being a gentleman back then and I think I read somewhere that a gentleman must keep these feelings to himself. It hasn’t just been words either which has been ugly enough I think, but then again can I count my heart amongst some of those ha.

You don’t know how many times I wish I could just break down and cry or to actually pray for a miracle, should I start envying my dog and maybe I understand why some men make themselves out to be gods. Could you imagine God crying about something and you know this will lead to a Jesus discussion so let’s just drop it right now? That’s the thing though I should just drop it, drop everything that makes me, myself I guess and instead of crying, drown my sorrows, fake it till I make it, or whatever else people say.

So am I expected to lie forever… if other people can do it, and at least it would be something because you know I’m too quiet anyways isn’t that right. The thing is crying never solves anything now does is Madam Justice, I think even you would think less of me but truth be told can people’s opinion of me get any lower… still complaining?

I again find myself apologizing for just being me for I am truly guilty but it could be worse, it nearly has been worse but at the end of the day, I’m still alive so Stop Crying Your Heart Out.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 135 ~It’s Worthy Of Your Soul~

How much is my soul worth, do I still have one available at all, am I too busy worrying about this life and what about the next… if I was a man of faith. It’s Worthy Of Your Soul, I don’t know what “it” is or where to find it, a tall order.

Monday, November 13, 2017

Lesson 135 ~It’s Worthy Of Your Soul~

Sixth Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear but the idea that I may not find whatever it is I’m searching for; can I give you thoughts or suggestions, sure but what do I feel? Sometimes, just like my heart, I don’t think I have a soul and if the Devil wanted it and I could name my price… well hmm?

To quote The Darkness “I believe in a thing called love” but I think even Faust made such a mistake am I right; I’m not even sure I believe in such a thing as soulmates, though I would like to. What about writing… the fact that I’m still holding back, with exception to my novel but with our conversations I still can’t just be me but then again what am I protecting, could it be a soul. Vengeance, of course, would seem to suggest that I don’t have a soul at all, thus how could I sell my soul for such satisfaction and we remember that rule do we not?

I actually wrote out a contract to Satan… don’t know how old I was but the only thing that stopped me was I abhor “my” bloodshed but trust me if it would work that would be another thing like having a button that could just end everything. There was also a time in my life where I believed the meaning of life was a song “seek out a kingdom worthy of your soul” but why seek something that I could create right? How about this, being the greedy son of a bitch I am, wanting well everything I suppose it’s up to me to decide what is worthy isn’t it?

I would never say that about my job but what wouldn’t I give for the little dog sleeping at my feet this moment. The fact that I went out for 5-hour ENERGY shots and Powerade, shows how much my writing means to me. The question is, what is a soul compared to a life, compared to a heart, or anything else in this world truly.

That’s the lesson though, the catch, maybe nothing is worthy and it’s our job to make it so that when we look back on all we have sacrificed we can see it as such. As a dominant wants a submissive, a writer and his story, I need to create, know, It’s Worthy Of Your Soul.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 128 ~Love Is Worth Dying For~

Even if I’m not worthy of it I can still do such a thing, which is possibly the worst thing that I can do, of course, I’m talking about love and I might as well start digging right now. Love Is Worth Dying For, how many women have left me breathless

Monday, November 6, 2017

Lesson 128 ~Love Is Worth Dying For~

Fifth Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear when love is all you need, talk about wanting a lie to become the truth if enough people believe it. Hate is easy enough to find, it starts from within but love, hell again I would like to believe love is everywhere but it’s in invisible, like air.

Love is also way more exhausting, I love my dog, so I have a day job, I love myself and so I write but also I hate plenty so both love and hate lead me to the same place. As you can already tell, I’m not the right person to talk about love, as a matter of fact, I doubt there is a right “person” at all, or if so I haven’t found her yet. I probably really would die if I ever did because while a person is supposed to love who you are, we want to be better.

If anything love is the ultimate fuck off to self because when you love it can’t be about you, everything you are becomes about someone else, you are indeed prepared to die but that someone that something has to be prepared to do the same, no even greater and so you rise as well. That’s something that “grinds my gears” as Peter Griffin would say, people who just love everything and whatever it is they love isn’t giving anything back to them to be sure. Is it strange that I consider Love a holy word, a magic word, a word not to be taken likely because when I love, I give all of myself and nobody ever taught me such a thing, and just to be clear I don’t even love myself, I’m still alive?

I’m still alive because of my hate, my wrath has no bounds, and nobody has ever wanted my love, because what could that possibly mean to them? The one thing on this Earth I truly love is incapable of ever saying the word and he doesn’t ever have to really.

So I will wait because I don’t know what else I can do don’t you “love” how I keep going back to songs; I can’t go looking for love… okay, I swear I’ll stop now with the music. I do believe though, just as much as I hate this next breath, I’d love to believe Love Is Worth Dying For.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 121 ~Hate Will Keep You Alive~

I don’t want to hate, which is why I spend most days alone with the exception of the dog and sometimes I believe even he is a bit iffy when it comes to me or am I just that paranoid. Hate Will Keep You Alive, and I’m still standing huh

Monday, October 30, 2017

Lesson 121 ~Hate Will Keep You Alive~

Fourth Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear of the two-part rule which I will discuss next week but part one is “hate will keep you alive”, so will love depending on how you define living. Love if anything is meant to be a gift but something you don’t have to work for… there is no such thing as a free lunch, isn’t that right Justice.

Hate, on the other hand, makes you work for it, makes you strive for it if anything mankind has proven time and again that we strive for our own destruction because we make love a job. Would you say humans created weapons out of love for others or hatred though I honestly believe love can be an incredible weapon in itself? Here’s something I’ve always hated, those people that say you can’t love others if you don’t love yourself, this is a damnable lie indeed.

I think I love plenty, okay at least my dog, I love him but most days I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. If something were to happen to him though by someone else’s hand I would go to war and I would rampage until justice is done and would that not be out of love for him? How many love affairs spawned from hate, Romeo & Juliet and love for each other killed them before hatred of one another’s family. Can love be taught, hatred has to be, and I’m always on the cusp of quoting Master Yoda’s teaching on fear.

Maybe I fear myself so much which leads to my hatred, I mean I hate so many and my father is at the top of that list or so I assumed a minute ago. I hate enough that I remain in a constant state of exhaustion but is love equal, I don’t love my friends but I do work to make sure their comfortable in my presence and some days I actually hate myself more because of this I think.

Hate is literally what gets me out of the bed most mornings, working a job I hate, I look at the world and I prepare myself to stand as if I were Atlas. Why is it love that makes me a coward and hate that brings forth a zest for life, for my own survival?

It could be other people, how they look at me like they are allowed to do and say whatever and call it kidding, jokes, dame near hate speech, I know, Hate Will Keep You Alive.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 114 ~Now The Work Can Begin~

“You need to get up, get out and get something” as the song goes but why can’t I just be inspired by myself, I could quote forever on what it takes to be somebody but when it comes to my body I rather sleep. Now The Work Can Begin because I’m up

Monday, October 23, 2017

Lesson 114 ~Now The Work Can Begin~

Third Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear, and when I find a way to somehow believe that or find the courage to overcome, not just for a moment, a day, or when my favorite badass song comes on. Not when I’m mad enough to want to burn the whole world down and in so doing end up destroying my own work out of that fear.

The work begins when I stop hating myself for everything, how I make excuses or my how I want to apologize, how about signing anyway my name for stuff I couldn’t care less about. Hating the man I have grown to be in front of so many others, I hate him as much as much as the man I want to be and what about the man I am at this moment. Fear and hate take work and don’t even get me started on love, it’s even another rule, understanding could make up for all of this and that’s work.

My work begins there, they don’t have to love me and I don’t have to love them but I want to know and it doesn’t help, finding places to hide, it doesn’t help just wanting to survive, how about just dreaming of someday and hoping that I will do better tomorrow. Am I trashing hope, no but hoping to move isn’t the same as moving, you can hope to be saved or you can save yourself, or you can be the one that everyone needs saving from, whatever it is you want to do. That is another part of the work, you don’t have to know where you’re going the point is you’re going and judging from how late it is I’ve been on the road to nowhere too long.

Madam Justice the work does not begin, ever sad morning I get up, full of worry and doubt, scared to death, just wanting everybody to leave me alone, counting the minutes I can climb back into bed. My work started yesterday when I saw my blog get a secure rating, my work started when my fingers began hitting keys, my work started when at the moment we started talking I hated it, maybe still do but I’m here and why can’t I do this every day with people, another thing for my to-do list possibly.

If I finally decide Madam Justice, I have to decide, Now The Work Can Begin.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 113 ~Hungry Like the Wolf~

When you’re hungry, thirsty, a certain sort of frustrated, where do you draw the line; I’m not saying eat people but when you want to survive that’s when you realize there is no limit. Hungry Like The Wolf… so about being a better man?

Sunday, October 22, 2017

Lesson 113 ~Hungry Like the Wolf~

To Will:
No Fear, though should we rack up your wins and losses or should we stick to the just surviving, in any case, we don’t want to die so that’s the good news. You know I’m always hoping for what’s best for you and today you have made strides in that direction but don’t fear, at least we didn’t know before but that thought truly shouldn’t be a comfort.

If anything this is a lesson in tenacity or necessity is the mother of invention, how about the idea of what it means to be wanted, you should be reminded of those days back in school from god knows when to… hell, you’re not in school anymore but you are still everyone’s go-to punchline. People are never satisfied, you know this well, there is even a rule “Satisfaction, The Death of Desire” and once we no longer desire, hunger, thirst, love, sex and anything else, we become complacent but what is wrong with that? The world isn’t built for that and neither are men, if anything we create rules, we write laws and like the Republicans are always talking about, no law will stop the bad guys but we need stronger ones, besides my liking of a ton of firepower.

Look at it this way, how does your immune system get stronger, you have to get sick and fight off the virus, here’s a good one, how do you go out and get a woman… stop watching porn, suffer, feel that want, need, and desire, and transform it into courage, as today’s lesson dictates, be hungry like the wolf, never knowing where the next meal is coming from he goes out searching. How about this, a scar shows proof that you were stronger than whatever hurt you, that you are a survivor. Now that is something you must always remember, with everything that has gone on, everything that hurts you, everything that scares you, put one foot in front of the other “Just Survive Somehow”.

Speaking of which “The Walking Dead” is something to look forward to, how about a visit from “Gospel Girl”, or the moment my email stops going off about the blog, I swear the things you didn’t know. Only what you do know, what you have learned today is the following, the “thirst” has been kicking your ass, never let desire die, it’s the fire inside you, Hungry Like the Wolf.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 107 ~You Are Not A Caveman~

Caveman had no choice but, to tell the truth without words, only the civilized find reasons to lie and yet for some reason I want to be one of them as well. You Are Not A Caveman but I am not a liar either

Monday, October 16, 2017

Lesson 107 ~You Are Not A Caveman~

Second Rule Madam Justice,

No Fear because there was not a word for it, and though I’m sure they felt it, hell as a society we damn near worship it by what right did we give it voice? Do we think ourselves civilized, evolved, just less stupid, that’s a great fear, I sound stupid?

It wouldn’t matter if I ever escaped my cave or if I remained for all time, word and sound echo off the wall and yes I am my own worse critic. We all continue to act on primal urges don’t we, “Indian Gone” and I both agree if some men would just shut up, men would have an easier time with women. What about the fact that we have so many words, so many languages and nobody seems to understand anyone, they just talk and talk but they never listen and yet I’m a fool.

Here’s something for your consideration, who have I ever asked that question of, what do you think of me, do you want me, do you need me, do you believe in me, do you love me, who has actually heard God’s own voice? We’re taught to believe words over deeds, one of my least favorite sayings is a picture is worth a thousand words, dance, art, photography, what about the concept of spoken word? Words are cheap so no wonder people buy thousands and I sit here a pauper or maybe I rather find the words I really want and yet here we are Justice.

How many times would I rather call everyone else stupid, that I can’t be bothered with the idiocracy of it all, I have so many voices speaking of above me, for me, about me, that I wonder what would it matter if I spoke at all? Anxiety Justice, because what is it I want to say other than the truth, that I have buried it along with a caveman because the truth is always the truth no matter the word, action or the speaker himself. That is why I can’t be the caveman, I have to speak, and for the love of everything if I choose to remain silent, don’t let my actions themselves hide the truth, smile, laugh, pretend.

This is simply a statement of fact, the caveman learned, evolved, adapted, overcome and with so much time I should already know this by now You Are Not A Caveman.

I Will Have No Fear

 

Lesson 100 ~I Will Have No Fear~

How much time you got or should I just say I’m afraid of the whole world… thankfully that would be a lie but the truth is I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I Will Have No Fear, sooner or later but it’s been more than 66 Days

Monday, October 9, 2017

Lesson 100 ~I Will Have No Fear~

First Rule Madam Justice,

No Fear but honestly You know I could go on for forever and a day when it comes to fear, a toss-up between the things that scare me and the things I wish I could believe. So what does this rule mean to me, no real deeper meaning being my first rule, simple and direct?

“Please explain to me just once, why.
Because I’m afraid!

You don’t think your dad ever felt afraid?
If he did,
he figured out some way to beat it.

Yeah, well, there’s a word for that:
Courage” Green Lantern (2011)

Fear Justice, is a disease, it’s a freaking plague, like a zombie virus, it keeps you moving, keeps you seeking something and in the end what do you do with it? I don’t want to be like my father and that in itself is fear but how does he cover up his fear, anger, hate, do I really need to quote Yoda here. Like most things in my life, I believe if I ever find the root cause of it maybe I can find a way to overcome it but that’s not possible is it?

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” Master Yoda, Star Wars Franchise

Anxiety Justice, “Indiana Gone” wonders how I sleep so well, nightmares usually aren’t a concern, it’s real life so maybe I should list ten things that scared me just today:

01. Leaving Braxton by himself
02. Going to work
03. Getting the door for coworkers
04. Being overwhelmed at work
05. Multiple meetings (huddle)
06. Being called out by coworkers
07. Walking Braxton
08. Kneeling to check if the ground was cool enough for Braxton (Neighbors have a Flag)
09. Anything happening to Braxton, itchy, toenail stuck in collar ring, etc.
10. Work tomorrow and company after
“Welcome to Fight Club. The first rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is: you DO NOT talk about Fight Club!” Fight Club (1999)

This is why I constantly quote this rule Justice if anything I should have gone fight club with it and quoted it twice but that will be for next week. Speaking of which I read somewhere that it takes 66 days for something to become a habit and here I am with one hundred lessons, oh right and writing scares me to which is why I’m so late with this, wondering if I’m making any sense at all.

I’m scared that I’m losing my mind, splitting all these ideas up in my mind you know but since this is in relation to the first rule, I’m scared of what people will think of me. How about being scared that no one is thinking of me at all, and in both of those scenarios what will I do then.

There is nothing to learn this is something I know, I Will Have No Fear

“Thou Art Courageous” Spoken to Link, The Legend of Zelda

“Believe me when I say we have a difficult time ahead of us. But if we are to be prepared for it, we must first shed our fear of it. I stand here, before you now, truthfully unafraid. Why? Because I believe something you do not? No, I stand here without fear because I remember.” Morpheus, The Matrix Reloaded (2003)

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 097 ~Twist In My Anxiety~

I’m being swept up in ideas at the moment but I won’t dare say I’m winning at life lest everything just gets blown apart but at least it’s not gray. Twist In My Anxiety, when everything seems to be going okay and then whoosh but right now woohoo

Friday, October 6, 2017

Lesson 097 ~Twist In My Anxiety~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear, I’m going to blame it on my anxiety, my irritability, my laziness, and what about all the only craziness that I’ve been going through lately?

First I have some good news and some bad news… I’m not tossing you away again let’s just say I’m going to spread you out some, yeah I really need a girlfriend or at least to go back to watching porn. Anyway, what I’m saying is, I finally have an idea for my virtual brothel, that’s the good news, seven days and seven entries, more bad news is you’ll be the last, let me survive the week and I’ll tell you what I can Saturday. Now does that sound crazier or lazier, when it comes to my story, yeah I have been slacking a lot?

Should I keep riding this train of positivity, today I found out I won a swag pack from Kit Rocha, you know The Beyond Series, when’s the last time I won anything… PCH but that was only a hundred bucks, talk about a kick to the balls. See that’s why I’m going to have another girl I can talk about these things to, though I’m sure “Indiana Gone” wouldn’t mind at all, not going there.

No movie tonight and I’m still attempting to hold off any and all depravity but with the way, I have been talking to “Gospel Girl” lately, what am I always telling Indian Gone ‘behave’. I’m trying Lady Lu, you know how I try and I wrote another review today for the movie “The Mountain Between Us” so I’m not going to mention all of the naughty things I want to do to Kate Winslet. Besides brunettes I’m still trying to decipher what it is about this girl or that girl, what sin does she feed in me, yeah my novel…

The Seven Sins, just seven I think

Luna = Therapy
Justice = Rules
Echo = Past Sins
Sophia = Stories
Dear Future Wife
Escort = Fantasies
Will = Man in The Mirror (Will To Love)

This leads me to another question, there are seven deadly sins but nine circles of Hell and I know sooner or later I will have to start consolidating my rules but the plan is to have 365 of them. So while I’m talking about learning, whatever have I learned today besides anxiety is just another word in all this crazy that I feel and that Braxton needs a bath because he’s driving me crazy, just another Twist In My Anxiety.

I Will Have No Fear

Veiled Planet But Veiled Woman?

Chick’s got a veil, dude better bail but that’s not the case with Teagan Kearney’s work or with Kara for that brief period she had to wear a veil, this work and this girl are quite beautiful. “Veiled Planet But Veiled Woman?”

“Assumptions should be proven or disproven by facts” Veiled Planet

As for my assumptions, this book would be cliché, the indigenous people would be ‘hominids’ or like people, and that I would thoroughly enjoy this book, done, done, and done. Veiled Planet keeps you on the edge of your seat the same way the movie “Avatar” does, an adventure, a love story, intrigue, and mystery, but to a certain degree.

Even knowing what was going to happen, I still wanted to read about it, I can appreciate Teagan Kearney’s twist on the genre. It reminds me plenty of young adult heroines I’m so fond of, just set in an, even more, sci-fi universe although besides the wording don’t expect to see much of it since the story is set more in nature. Maybe I shouldn’t be comparing it to so many other titles and experiences but I mean them all as compliments; I know what I like and to be sure this was so amazing.

The male protagonist “Rishi” was somewhat reminiscence of some of Gary Paulsen’s titles but it was awesome to see him play off of the heroine Kara, so there were respites of humor mixed in as well. Maybe I’m being bias considering this is a story that has been done before, so I know it well but I was still excited every day when I picked it up. That’s also a bit of bad news, you see the ending and it’s sort of like hitting a brick wall and you’re still smiling but yeah um ouch.

You shouldn’t let that stop you though, most good books leave you hurting and a somewhat sweet, predictable but abrupt ending didn’t stop my enjoyment. If you’ve read this far, just know that the title has my stamp of approval without a doubt but if you’re lazy you can always pick up Avatar and switch Jake Sully’s character with Neytiri.

“The family is sacred. Without the family, society fails”
― from Teagan Kearney, Veiled Planet

So would you prefer once upon a time or stop me if you’ve heard this one, a human comes to alien/hominids planet, falls in with the natives, falls in love with one and now it’s time to save the world or maybe love conquers all perhaps. Space people bad native people good, just a lot more diplomatic, which is another thing this book was filled with politics but not bogged down like any Star Wars.

I related to Kara in a certain way and nobody can blame Rishi or Miklo for that matter for being guys but again, the somewhat teenage aspect of things or boys will be boys. Of course, Kara is so smart and right about everything she is simply busy employing her moral sense into her new world but that doesn’t last too long. I would say the author has some weird ideas about men and women but I can’t stress this enough, with the world we live in who isn’t influenced?

Take some of the characters such as Ikeya and Yleni for example, some people would be insulted by this male-dominated society, Ikeya has his place and Yleni is just the woman behind the man you see the same in Kara’s relationships. You have the big flashy tribal leader who is more of a shower than a doer with his own hidden agendas for what he does. How about the colonists who behaved exactly as if Kara has gone crazy not that the “Maruts” weren’t sticklers about their own rules too.

You have to wonder if the author making a not so subtle estimation of humanity or was this purely coincidental because I can see the parallels in society. On the other hand, she’s a genius and this was fate or in the DNA, but that makes me sound like Rishi.

“Our coming across you the way we did wasn’t an accident. It was what you call Fate or Destiny.” ― from Teagan Kearney, Veiled Planet

If you want to discover this book for yourself, I suggest you turn away now but how great was this book… four stars and my Kindle kept erasing the copy I got for an honest review so I went and bought a copy because I was so caught up. No book is perfect, I’ll take that back, this book wasn’t perfect but the point is to hook the reader and sadly I already was, clichés.

Anything with a solid love story has my vote and while I believe that love could have been a bit more ‘descriptive’ I fell in love with Kara but I’m sort of easy like that. The nature aspect always gets to me, reading about them on the road and the traditions and customs but for the life of me, I couldn’t get the look of “satyrs” out of my head, the way we normally think about them. It was really inspiring though when Kara found out she had been made somewhat a Helen of Troy archetype with the Maruts coming to get her back, I cheered at that fact honestly.

As for my dislikes, a lot of books are scaring me these days, working on my own stories I know I have to buy Grammarly and a half-dozen editors because there were a few problems, typos and such. Kara didn’t appear to be flawed in any way but the people around her always seemed to be, especially the part with her and Rishi after the storm, boys will be boys but still, that wasn’t fair at all the laws. I said the ending was a wall but while the story overall was incredible, just cliché after cliché, you can’t call it uninspired, it’s a work of art but let’s just say I know the author has other people to thank.

Four stars without a doubt, would I read what comes next, definitely, any advice, as people tell me sometimes, more you and less them but yes this is awesome. Teagan Kearney will not put you to sleep but if you do sleep make sure you know all the rules because, in the end, it’s a Veiled Planet But Veiled Woman?

“Freedom is the most precious gift.”
Teagan Kearney, Veiled Planet