Tag: Braxton

Gospel 303 ~Hello, Hello, Monsieur B~

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Please say Hello to me… that’s after having such a nice dream. I’d forget it all if B III woke me up by running over my face, asking me for treats, or better if I had known something was wrong with him and been his Dad. Hello, Hello, Monsieur B.

Friday, April 30, 2021

Gospel 303 ~Hello, Hello, Monsieur B~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I would wave goodbye to all of it just to say, Just Me, Baby B.

Sometimes I’ll say Good Morning Braxton when I walk into his room. The two of us weren’t AM people at all, Ha. There was a time when he would run over my head, eager to go out. Back with my Olds, it would be him barking. Then there’s “Medicine Time.” I’ve been thinking a lot about what THEY call The Golden Rule. I treat others how I would like to be treated. All I want in my life nowadays is peace and quiet. One more reason B III was perfect, we didn’t have to talk… we walked, and that’s how we knew we were ok. People think they are entitled to my voice… fuck people, especially the ASM. Braxton deserved the best version of me.

Now I shouldn’t say all people. Indiana Gone is my second best friend. I worry about M Anime. I still think about Cherry, Okay, even MILF Dos from time to time. But at the end of the day with Braxton, no matter what, I was always me. I got to say hello to myself finally. I could repeat the same stories about Braxton arriving in a monster’s hands. The time I caught him eating my breakfast. How about when he chose me as he jumped into the car? If I kept but one promise to my son, it was this. When I would leave, I told him I’ll be back. Do I look like The Terminator? Better you don’t answer that, my future being uncertain.

My favorite part of the day was crawling up the steps and seeing him. I would pet his head, hug him, let him jump all around, and then I’d ask, “you want to go outside?” Give me that moment forever. The Stairway to Heaven or The Rainbow Bridge, Braxton awaits. So here come the waterworks… Braxton’s last day and I dared to say Good Morning. The hello I gave him after the vet gave me the final prognosis on him, and I held him like we hadn’t seen each other in forever. I can even smell him. The brief moment after his death when the storm passed, there was such sunlight, Just Me, Baby B.

I’ve said hello in many ways. Hello, Hello, Monsieur B

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 302 ~What’s The B Ending~

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I had no idea how bad Wednesday was going to be. The last one that was so… heinous, B III cried, but all I could do was pick him up, wrap him under my arm, and nap. It didn’t end there; the week only got worse but for a moment. “What’s The B Ending?”

Thursday, April 29, 2021

Gospel 302 ~What’s The B Ending~

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I don’t really want to talk about my day, and I haven’t even lived it.

I’m sure you don’t want to talk about that Wednesday when I was feeling this way. Time-Travel, Monsieur B. If I had done more of it on January, 27 perhaps I wouldn’t be here April 29 without you. At present, though, it’s April 24, and you know why I’m speaking. As I tell you every AM, I miss you, B III. I still love you like pancakes, but B, I must confess. Shouldn’t I have done that Wednesday? God, I hate Wednesday and Sunday. Not the days’ fault but mine. So my secret… when I say I miss you, I can hear MILF Dos’s voice. If it’s any consolation, you would have liked her yabbos. Now I know you appreciated Indiana Gone’s, without a doubt.

I was thinking about getting her a picture of you or us. Braxton, she misses you, but that would be weird. Always and forever B, so as long as I’m alive, you will be too until we’re together again. I should try cutting off Youtube once in a while, but um, “He Lives In You.” It’s what I tell myself every day, B, and look at me crying again. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop, but I need something to round out the Anger, especially this week. It’s almost like the one I had when you…. Again I’m not even living this week as I write you B Squared. Tell me something, do I deserve to have this pain end? I finished Camp NaNoWriMo…

Hell, if I had published a book already like Cherry? I saw her this morning, do me a favor, B, and see if you can find a cat named Millie. Talk about “stalking,” remembering some English vixen’s cat on the Rainbow Bridge. I’m still a monk and your Daddy. Braxton, was that even funny? So many things ended when you left, and those that began? I want to stay in the same place, you know, but life has its ways. How dare I say that. You wanted to live and now… was I going to say I want to die? I don’t want to move, I know that. The way our story ended like something out of NieR: Automata. Always, Forever, What’s The B Ending?

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Gospel 300 ~B Cause Growing Up~

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B III IS always a puppy to me, but he grew up. He can climb the stairs and hop on the bed. B was the angel or devil on my shoulder. Sometimes he would step on my face, and now I see how high he’s gotten. Should I stop crying? B Cause Growing Up.

Tuesday, April 27, 2021

Gospel 300 ~B Cause Growing Up~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but why did I want to be? Power, no more, no less. God is Power, right?

Like the song goes, “I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it” thanks a bunch, Missy Elliott. Taking in all the connotations of that song, consider this. I put Braxton down (no, I killed him). As for flip it… if I want to see him, I look to Heaven, or there’s his “coffin.” I should call it an urn. It’s a box that I have to unscrew to see his ashes. Finally, reverse it; what’s God spelled backward… Dog. My Dog, my friend. My son is Power. Braxton is my heart; why not go ahead and say my everything. Um, I didn’t know I could love so much. Then you came along, My Love. That’s not an insult; it’s a fact, my reality.

They say God is love, but again Dog is love. THEY say that most people don’t know what they want. I know long ago when I spelled my first word. As I put pen to paper, I wanted to be a writer. Oh, I wanted to be a sword fighter too, so we both see which one I stuck with, ha. I wanted to be a fighter pilot, a comedian, a wartime journalist. Nowadays, “I’m a motherfuckin’ Starboy” Pardon my French, but my life is pretty hilarious. And how about how I write. I don’t need a war; all I have to do is sit down and bleed. A tad offensive? Such things weren’t when I was growing up. Here I am, crying about Braxton.

I’m just a little boy, a grown-ass man crying about a puppy. I don’t know when I decided I wanted to be a Dad. I’ve had dogs before, at my grandma’s house. B wasn’t even the first Dog I held as he died. I was covered in a puppy’s blood once; my fucking granddad. I’ve told the story enough; the day my Olds moved, and I called to Braxton. He came running without a second thought. I’m sure you’re having second, third, even sixteenth thoughts about the man you married. You, baby girl, have blessed me with children. However, I’m still growing, learning, and I have so much love to give. So I want more, undeservedly after my Braxton, no way. B Cause Growing Up

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 299 ~Every Drop Of Blood Cost~

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One can’t only care about the green. I hate someone, not because they’re any color but because they’re a terrible person. I’ve noticed my clothing is more colorful, missing beige and tan dog hair. Just me living my life. Every Drop Of Blood Cost

Monday, April 26, 2021

Gospel 299 ~Every Drop Of Blood Cost~

Hundred And Eighty-Fifth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but the cost of blood does fluctuate. The fact remains it cost.

Why don’t I go all Bubba with it (ahem) “(blood) is the fruit of the (body).” Yeah, that might not make much sense. Little does going on what, eighty-five days without B III. Something else to be angry about. As always, it’s never at my son but myself and ASM. My how my blood has boiled, frozen, and continues to spill across the pages. Speaking of “Every day, every day, every day I write the book,” should we be chatting today? I continue to time travel as it’s Thursday, April 22, 2021. I’m not a prophet Madam Justice.
Now I’m not a historian either, but the thing is, neither future nor past look favorably on me. Tell me which cost more, Madam Justice, looking to my future or the past.

All I know is my hands are stained with blood that I cannot wipe away. Fifteen years and a month shy of sixteen. I wake up seeing red, and while the tears help, where are they now? Yes, I cried for Braxton today but still, when I get out of this bed… fuck such a feeling. As Drake put it, “They tryna take the wave from a nigga. Fuckin’ with the kid and pray for your nigga.” I can only speak for me, Madam Justice but from my tears to Braxton’s water bowl to the sweat and toil of the Day Job. Water… people demand such suffering; it’s human nature. Strange… not really that people want blood, aren’t I a person wishing to be judged for killing my B III.

I went from Paint It Black to Seeing Red. It’s one of the reasons I simply laid in the darkness after the Day Job. In the dark, I can imagine that Braxton is still here. His heart is still beating, the blood we have shed together because “we got enemies.” Braxton’s love. Madam Justice, I must never forget that. If he has gone to the Rainbow Bridge, the first color is red. What’s next, my “Orange Crush,” “Big Yellow Taxi,” “It’s Not Easy Being Green,” “Blue” (Angie Hart), “Mood Indigo,” “Violet” (Seal.) Took time to find those. Can you see why people choose red, blood, and dust? All I want is to find more of B’s hair than hating another black man. In some way, to see the Rainbow Connection.

Every Drop Of Blood Cost

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 298 ~Behave In B’s Haven~

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I’ve compared Braxton to an angel, and I believe people are spelling GOD backward. In that case, I may be trouble if Braxton’s bedroom yesterday was any indication. For all I know, I was stumbling around in there like a zombie. “Behave In B’s Haven.”

Sunday, April 25, 2021

Gospel 298 ~Behave In B’s Haven~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, but you can’t hire an exterminator or the Ghostbusters, at least not yet. And why would you?

As the song goes, Lord Give Me A Sign. I ran by one yesterday, and I’m ashamed to say I even stopped and looked. You’re in Hell, so at least have the good sense to suffer and not escape or seek salvation, solace, ha satisfaction. What would B III think of your excuses for alone time? That’s the thing, though; yesterday, I found out that I didn’t have to be… get it. The fact that you remember the five-month-old ball of fluff by the name of Buford and you’re sore about it. It could be everything else you know with Camp NaNoWriMo. Today’s the day. Are you still going to play Grim Reaper and bury a story you’ve neglected the world for? Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Succubus Lord 13 by Eric Vall
    Completed
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
    Partial
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 114 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 121) No Fap
  5. I Am Not Bowing To The Day Job Under Threat Or Duress
    Completed
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

Hell, I am not a prophet, and neither are you. At least if I had put finish Camp NaNoWriMo on the list, you would be looking at four wins this AM. It would be almost supernatural. Which is now the whole point; A Hell escaping, undertaker, imagining some Godhood. There’s pride again, and do you think anything you write today will be worth it. All the stories I would write, right here while promising Braxton a better life. And he waited so patiently for me to finish. He still does, only he’s even quieter these days, of so I thought. Don’t jinx yourself. Last week sucked, and this week SIGH, I do not envy you other than again finishing Camp NaNoWriMo. But, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Melody In Lingerie by Imogen Linn
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 121 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL Cut The Lawn This Week
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am

What will you do with yourself? Being that an Ordinary Human is the worse type of a monster. You got plumbing to repair (snickers). And you might even get around to mowing the lawn or whatever you do with a weed whacker. Neighbors haven’t knocked. If yesterday is any indication, you’re being haunted by Braxton. I found many of his toys strewn all over the place in his room, and to be honest, it frightened me a little bit. Either I’m more out of it than I realized, or it was a rat. Yeah, a rat that doesn’t eat the dry food and treats or even messes up the table. You just remember to behave; work sucks, I know, sadly. Please Behave In B’s Haven

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 296 ~The Battling Barker Braxton~

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His bark is worse than his bite… God, how I miss that bark. Braxton may not have liked a bunch of people; I can count them up on one hand. He loved me, and the people that do are far less. B fought for me until the end. “The Battling Barker Braxton.”

Friday, April 23, 2021

Gospel 296 ~The Battling Barker Braxton~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, or I better be as Braxton can’t protect me from what has happened, will or won’t.

Back in B.B. (Before Braxton), when I was in high school, I would “pray” to have hell, someone to pray to at all. A friend to stand with me… though even with B III, I never got around to getting him registered or whatever. Fuck You ASM, I said WHATEVER!!! Pardon me, My Lady, anyway Braxton should have been an Emotional Support Animal. As the song goes, “so take a look at me now,” I’m going crazy. Although that could be the idea of a fight. I’m saying I won’t say YES, I won’t kowtow, back down, hit the ground. If I do, that overgrown, meathead, jock asshole will have to put me there, I swear. However, my first mistake was burying my best friend.

Well, no, B III is sitting on my nightstand, but you know what I mean. Speaking of black men that are threats to my safety, sanity, and self-worth, my “father.” I fought him once and lost but Braxton. My prince knowing, my dude’s in distress, jumping between us, my boy. He got kicked four feet high by my “father” into a wooden door. Braxton and I have shed the same blood in the same mud or across a kitchen floor, at least. Time to get my cry in on this Saturday, April 17. Braxton is forever my son, my brother, and my best friend. He showed such forgiveness, but when my “father” came by without me here, he sat in his bed very scared, waiting.

What I might miss the most as I sit here in bed is where he would be when I slept. I would wake up to see him on the foot of the bed on the corner, staring at the door. As I got going, he would come over, and after making sure I was okay, he would sleep; Daddy’s shift. As I confessed at some point, I’ve never woken up to a girl in the bed. Not in this house. The way Braxton and I would sleep back to back. How he’d guard the gate when we were at my Olds barking up a storm. “Remember who the real enemy is.” Braxton wouldn’t care if I was a hero or villain. The Battling Bard Braxton.

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 295 ~Sounds Like B Leaving~

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There’s no alarm for “mourning.” There’s no routine for it; otherwise, I would listen to He’s My Son by Mark Schultz 24/7. “What A Heavenly Way To Die” that would be. Instead, I take a second step in the five stages of grief. “Sounds Like B Leaving.”

Thursday, April 22, 2021

Gospel 295 ~Sounds Like B Leaving~

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I don’t want to make you mad, although your Dad is all sorts of pissed.

I know. It sounds like I could be doing better. Today it sounds like I’m going to talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly. Braxton, you were the soundtrack of my life. I need you to know that. Do you remember the day I said, “Braxton get in the car,” and you hopped? The first day you chose me, not my sister, not the grandparents, only me. In their new house, you barked at them in the AM defending the gate for me. The best welcome I got from you was the day your granddad was here. You jumped into my arms, whining. Braxton, the most beautiful sound was nightly. When I would say, “Night, Night Braxton, Sweet Dreams.” You’d paw the bed, settle and sleep beside me.

I hated fighting with you. There were times you would growl at me or snap. I’d be all, “you’re in trouble, the longer you hide.” You and I would both listen for one of my alarms to go off so I could call you a “good puppy” again. Your nails were pacing the floor all alone. I would call you about your meds, but it was hard for you to get down the stairs. I would carry you for so many days, but once you were outside for a walk, you were young again. You couldn’t hop in the car anymore, and I couldn’t blame you; with my final act. No, it started the day you cried… I ignored you.

I swear I thought you were going to be okay. Wednesday, you cried. By Thursday, you were back. I didn’t need the doctor to utter the words that Sunday evening. “He’s Gone.” The worst sound in the world was as I held you there and I heard your final breath. Braxton, I sat there on the stairs that day and cried like I never have before. It was the fucking silence that was killing me. How dare I? I killed you, so my going to Hell is what I deserve. For 72 days, I lived in Denial, I continue, but then the fucking ASM, ANGER. That bastard took my “peace.” Down from Denial to Anger, Up from Treachery to Anger. Always Sounds Like B Leaving.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Gospel 293 ~Braxton Paws Is Love~

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The day I lost my son, there went my remaining love. At first, love was like a river that continued to flow, my tears, the hoodie I wear, the music. Then because of some asshole, my “peace” was shattered and replaced by Anger. “Braxton Paws Is Love.”

Tuesday, April 20, 2021

Gospel 293 ~Braxton Paws Is Love~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so I’m gonna love you now. Hell, when Braxton and I had nothing, I loved him.

I love Braxton still as I love you, our children, the life we have created together. For the past Seventy-Nine Days, I have found that DENIAL has blocked and muted everything. THEY say that love is not only what you say but what you do. A Man Provides baby girl.
Feeling it and doing it, though? It’s like Braxton paused love. I’m starting to understand how THEY say you can’t love another until you love yourself. Now I never liked that. In truth, it’s a lie because I hated myself, but when B III came into my life… Wow, it’s like the same thing. He paused my hatred, the wind, the wrath. To think I complained that he distracted me but what about right now.

You are doing your best, My Love. I am not asking you for anything. Okay, you say Let Me Love You. I’m not trying to be one of those broken men who need saving ever. As you say, When You Say Nothing At All… it’s the only way I can love you right now. At the very least, I will do no harm, and it saddens me further I have to say such a thing. To have lost such love as that of my son. Then to have the evils of men reawaken my ANGER. God, it has been so easy to cocoon myself in my DENIAL. Love, always and forever. Braxton’s remains in a box, and that’s how I feel. I’m Sitting In Limbo, I hope. It was better.

Indeed, I was but until the fucking tattooed arms of men. I dare not turn my ANGER towards the innocent. It was such rage that led to such apathy. Soon I may have time to love again. Who seeks time to hate? It’s why I lie with you now as every time I get up… That’s what feeds my fury. The fact that another black man found it fitting to steal my peace as my Old Man did. I go to say bye to my boy, and my heart beats faster. My blood boils. With these hands, oh My Love I’d love, write, pet my fallen son again yes, yes. Mourn alongside me, but I won’t make you Lady Macbeth. Love… Braxton Paws Is Love.

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 292 ~Crowns Are Heavier Than Mask~

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My heart remains broken… yep, better start with my head next. I swore when I started this nine days ago, I was actually less crazy. Now whatever peace I had in my insanity has been destroyed by rage. “Crowns Are Heavier Than Mask…” what about helmets

Monday, April 19, 2021

Gospel 292 ~Crowns Are Heavier Than Mask~

Hundred And Eighty-Fourth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now. But where is my kingdom, my honor, most notably, where’s my prince?

In Shakespeare’s “Richard III,” a man offers a kingdom for a horse. I can’t bear to think; I need to see a man about a dog. Yes, Madam Justice, today is going to be one of those where all I say, you’ve heard before. I’ll begin with, (ahem) all I have I’d give for Braxton. How about this oldie but goodie… A Man Provides. Saying I’ll give it all up is again an unwelcome sign of Bargaining. There is also the fact that if you have nothing, why in the Hell would you have a family? Maybe B has gone to prepare a place for me with my lazy ass. I am Odysseus trying to find his way home or seeing others steal my world.

No, because Braxton was, still is my world, and again I put his loss on no one but myself. For me to speak of honor when one of the Princes of the Universe lies before me slain by my own hand. Well, on the nightstand, because of euthanasia… overly dramatic. With all my time travel (Nine Days), Madam J, can’t we get to the portion of the program where I rule. A woman, a queen to sit beside me, children, and the wealth to do as a man, a king does. Not without B III, he was a warrior, a wonder of love, a lone wanderer. How many pop culture references was that? Um, there’s Queen, Highlander, Fallout 4, I tell you, the background noise.

Because heavy the head that wears the crown or so they say, and I could give three reasons for my own. The fact that I have never ever taken responsibility. And so with B III’s passing, I crumble. The second is that I have built myself up so much. Last, that B bore so much. So becoming a monk seemed easier. How dare I, but come and take a Walk With Me. Didn’t I confess at some point last week that I haven’t had any women in the house? Well, besides Indiana Gone and Okay the Maid. I wasn’t “producing” a family. I didn’t do “stuff and thangs” with B around. Now he can always see me. Give me my mask any day, I say. Crowns Are Heavier Than Mask

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 291 ~Bye The Letter B~

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B wasn’t an attack dog. To some, he was an angel, even when he was barking up a storm. To me, B III was a god. When you see the ending of one such as him, you no longer fear what men may do. Bye The Letter B I still must face the bullying of men

Sunday, April 18, 2021

Gospel 291 ~Bye The Letter B~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, but this week you might struggle. It’s not fear. Hope for the best; prepare for the worst.

You mean no insult to the warriors of the past, but shall you write a letter? A letter that says, if anything, the basics. I love you, I tried, I’m sorry; all the things I said to Braxton as I signed his life away. I signed my own death sentence, and I become different weekly. That’s why I say hello to you, and you could be saying goodbye to the Day Job. I find that even though Braxton is no longer here, I have no courage to lend, neither hope nor a word of peace. I don’t look a thing like Jesus. Jesus needed those three days getting War Ready.
I spent all of yesterday in bed, doing my 5000 words, denying Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Katie: A Novella by Mo Ibrahim
    Completed
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
    Partial
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 107 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 114) No Fap
  5. I Am Getting In Touch With Someone About A B III Tattoo
    Failed
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

Now, who am I to tell you anything? I failed yet again. Listen to me, please… the ASM is a bully, and you are not afraid, but nevertheless, I ask you, stand strong and courageous. He’s the asshole like so many in high school. He’s like those bitches at Wendy’s or Hardee’s. He’s like your Old Man. For all I know, this stand may not come this week at all. What would Braxton Do? He would bark, bite, be driven under the bed, but he would return. He lasted fifteen years, a month shy of his sixteenth birthday. One decade… Believe me when I say that it’s time to grow up. From lousy report cards, teachers not calling your name, oh yeah, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Succubus Lord 13 by Eric Vall
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 114 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I Am Not Bowing To The Day Job Under Threat Or Duress
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am

I won’t hold my breath on most of these things, you know. Your war paint won’t stay on because of all your tears. After what happened to B III, the idea of pain… who needs more? I could search for a few of the greatest speeches and prayers. My offering:

“I will eternally ask your forgiveness, my son, I the father who failed you. Yet now I ask you, my good puppy, to hear me. I ask for the courage you showed against all who would do us harm. I plead for your wisdom, your good decisions. I wish for your comfort B, here, in my most desperate hours. Let me be the man you believed in no matter what.”

Prayers. Bye The Letter B

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will