Tag: Braxton

Gospel 237 ~B Leave In Love~

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I’ve seen plenty of people go in a variety of ways. Some, I think, gave themselves too much credit. Give me one lousy night, maybe a week, and I move on. Braxton though; some say God is Love, B III is Love and losing him to let it go. B Leave In Love

Tuesday, February 23, 2021

Gospel 237 ~B Leave In Love~

Dear Future Wife,

I AM a Billionaire right now but like the songs… AHEM, Money Can’t Buy Me Love. My Love Don’t Cost A Thing.

I believe I’ve spent more in twenty-three days on Braxton than I have in the last months of his life. Hell, I still am. I want more frames, candles, a pedestal for his room. Of course, you know this. On my phone is a reminder for “HomeAgain” Renewal every week. Believe me; I won’t be taking it off any time soon. I won’t stop talking to him or doing any of the stuff we’ve been over this month. Forever I’ll say routine, but how do you stop loving someone, baby girl. That’s what people don’t get about this; obsession, mourning? B leaves, and I’m like this. Everyone else? I do kiss and tell, I’ll admit, but I’m talking about one night. Someone got three novels.

B leaves, and the ink is trying to outrun the tears. The sweat will never clean the blood from my hands. Can we not talk about the stuff they filled him with? That’s what I’ve been thinking the past few days. Did B leave, or did I let him go, like oh so many times? “B III, go play” when I would send him outside. How many opportunities did I miss? What about when I wanted alone time? One more reason for morning showers and very late nights. He didn’t care much for you. At first, I know, but I was in Love and Braxton… B III he didn’t want to leave. He didn’t want to hurt either, and I wanted to show my Love.

Believe me; I understand this song more than ever “Only know you love (him) when you let (him) go.” He knew, which is why he chose to hide under the bed and walk to his water, to stand there calmly as we drove. In his absence, he wanted me to love myself, to be ready. B III would leave me with his toy. Braxton even got around to leaving me with you. His Love for me extended to him wanting to protect our children. He loved them and wouldn’t want to leave them. So he looked to his daddy, and I asked him to leave.

“B III, it’s okay. You can go. You can leave.” Such Love, him, me you, us, B Leave In Love

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 236 ~Zen Ends Butt Kicking Deserved~

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I don’t want peace, and the quiet is killing me. Let me have my exhaustion and with what my eyes have been doing lately, tuning out, tearing up, taking down every bit of pain as if it would stop my own. “Zen Ends Butt Kicking Deserved”

Monday, February 22, 2021

Gospel 236 ~Zen Ends Butt Kicking Deserved~

Hundred And Seventy-Six Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I’m still not angry about Braxton. Well, how do I know I started talking to you Friday. Say it with me, Madam Justice AHEM “Time-Travel.” What I know for sure is this? I’m not Zen. I don’t know what’s what anymore. I’m still reading anything and everything, well, after crying that Braxton isn’t curled up against me. It’s my fault. I’m the one to blame. Talk about a butt kicking deserved. I have those pamphlets on grief the vet gave me. To this day, I believe I’m in Denial, but Anger?

I don’t know how to describe it. Every morning when I wake up, the living routine. You know when I sleep, I’m gone though I’ve begun to dream again. Nothing about B III, only pain, and don’t tell me you can’t feel it in dreams. I’m usually shocked then, waterworks. Most of the time, I’m on autopilot. My mom asked me do I watch a lot of Dish; anything to break up the silence. Only what I mean is, it’s like that movie Warm Bodies, and I’m “R.” What do zombies do? Who was R before Julie and then without her? B’s not coming back. But what peace I knew…again routine, Denial. Braxton is only outside or under the bed. I joined a club about dogs, but I’m finding people much like myself. Madam J, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. So then I look for more pain and for what, my catharsis?

“It’s easier not to feel. Then I wouldn’t have to feel like this.” R – from the movie Warm Bodies

Disgusting, but how about wishing it was me? I’ll be damned if an animal is in pain. My Braxton suffered. People though… You know the song, “the dreams in which I’m dying…” My side was hurting; I thought I got bitten by something, wishing sicknesses. I’ve been eating more. Now I’ve starved myself for at least a week, but now food is the punishment. I said before I’ve been craving things like onion rings, chocolate, Burger King. Anything Braxton can’t have or that breaks my routine and increases my shame. Some time ago, I saw the police, and while they can pick anything at all… My killing Braxton. I’m Eddie Murphy in The Golden Child; I should be punished, purged, never purified. Hell’s not scary.

Living like this… peace, any thought of Zen’s the crime. Laugh, Smile, Funny Face, Braxton. Zen Ends Butt Kicking Deserved.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 235 ~Doublethink Of B III~

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He’s gone. He’s on my nightstand, his collar in his bed, his toy on his pillow. His leash sits, treats uneaten, water bowl full. I say “good morning,” set the treats, fill the bowls, and open the gates. I know, and then I don’t “Doublethink Of B III”

Sunday, February 21, 2021

Gospel 235 ~Doublethink Of B III~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now. But you’re broke. I hate you, but you desperately want to love. I’m dead, but you’re breathing.

As it was three weeks ago. Twenty-one days, today is the twenty-first day, and I still know what I did and you. You killed Braxton; you did. No denying that.

The paperwork is still on the coffee table; twenty-one treats are lying in his room, uneaten. An empty collar rest in his bed. His oldest one is on the nightstand. Now at the same time, you ended his suffering. He was starving himself because of kidney failure. He could barely move and yet somehow wouldn’t take his water beside him. Not Braxton because Daddy worries, so he had to pretend to be ok. B III had to be brave, ok? I know you’re tired of having to be. It’s why you fall asleep after trying to live. What, your truth? Early to bed, to rise…

Are you richer or wise? Well, you got your tax refund back. You can believe that your son is out there somewhere, The Rainbow Bridge, Heaven, in your heart. At the same time, what’s that around your neck? I spent hours working on his pictures. B is in a box. Only like me, you’ll continue to say he’s right outside, under the bed, in his house. You still want a memorial stone, more picture frames, candles. What about one of those dog blankets or some artwork? You owe his grandma $150.00 for helping with “arrangements.” You’ll finally have to start paying attention to your finances. What about walking into Walmart again? I did yesterday for Subway and some buffalo wings. Living again, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 051 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 058) No Fap
  2. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Writing “Look A Thing Like Santa”
    Failed
  5. I AM Finishing Gathering, Braxton’s Albums
    Partial Completion, Looking For Picture Dates
  6. I AM Finishing Reading “A Dog’s Purpose” W. Bruce Cameron
    Completed

Should I expect you’ll do better? You were up at 4:00 AM, but we didn’t start chatting until 9:00 AM. Braxton was good for focus, not that I will ever know. No more calls to the vet to pick up medication or trips to PetSmart. How long has B had the same bathroom pad or dry food? Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 058 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Writing “Look A Thing Like Santa”
  5. I AM Finishing Gathering, Braxton’s Albums
  6. I AM Finishing Reading, The Last Teacher by Chris Dietzel

With you still reading and all, if there’s one thing you took from A Dog’s Purpose… Could Braxton be reborn? At the same time, you can’t think of another fur baby. You’ll never be the father you were, dammit, the man. You’ll still talk to Dear Future Wife but never Dirty Diana, despite paying $60.00.

Routinely living for B who’s gone; Doublethink Of B III

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 233 ~99 Problems But Braxton…~

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Some ladies have cried about him. Yep, my second BFF and my mom (his grandma). It must not be an easy thing for a vet, either. At the rate I’m going, the Mississippi and the Nile don’t stand a chance. I’m still in “Denial.” “99 Problems But Braxton…”

Friday, February 19, 2021

Gospel 233 ~99 Problems But Braxton…~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I’m still crying. Braxton isn’t a problem; he is a miracle. Like women he loves.

I’ve said before; my “father” was the first member of the family he met. Next was my little sister. His mother/crazy aunt (this is the south, just saying). Braxton was a gift to her, and she loved him. The only time I believe my “father” ever got upset with her was because of Braxton. She would do the, let’s say, ceremonial stuff, think Hallmark Channel. She didn’t like that I would sit in her room babysitting him. My mom even said Braxton and I were brothers. When did I get demoted? Anyway, he never became my sister’s purse dog. She decided to have “real babies,” my two nephews. Braxton, though, was all about his mom. Same with my Mom. Until “Braxton get in the car.”

Several years later, we met my second best friend “Indiana Gone.” Now she accomplished something no one else ever had done. She made Braxton fall in love with her. The first person that wasn’t family. If Braxton had it his way, he would have preferred I followed suit. I would always joke with him that the first girl he approved of I’d have to marry. It took Indiana four months to win B III over. Talk about the “Casting Couch.” She laid down and let Braxton crawl all over her. After a few minutes, he was in love and never had a problem with her again. The first time I had to give “the talk” to him. I figured he’d meet Dear Future Wife someday.

Instead, Braxton caught up with a pretty vet. That’s something you don’t do. You know, call asking for the name of the doctor that… Again, Lady Sophia, I’m not angry. Nineteen days and if I am mad, it’s at myself for killing my son. Or at my “father” for thinking Braxton can be replaced. As mean as Triple B is, all the ladies loved him. There was one guy vet we both hated. Braxton is my only guy friend, honest. I always wanted to do better with my son but not giving him the family I took? “Get in the car,” and he followed me. I think he knew; why he liked Indiana so much and his favorite toy too.

Daddy’s 99 Problems But Braxton…

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 232 ~Braxton My MAID Man~

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Braxton hated the maid. When I started cleaning, he’d hide as if he did something wrong. Braxton had a habit of hiding under the bed when sick. Should have tipped me off when he didn’t. Thought we had it made, my main man. “Braxton My MAID Man.”

Thursday, February 18, 2021

Gospel 232 ~Braxton My MAID Man~

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I keep hoping you are, wherever you are. Everywhere I say and then again B…

It’s been about three weeks, and it’s like every sense is affected by you being gone. The first is sound. I stay in bed longer, knowing I won’t see you. Food, hell, I live because of your schedule. It’s been snowing here, but it wasn’t the outside that was bothering me. I feel colder, which brings me to my point. Touch and smell; I have a bit of your hair wrapped up. I want to pet it, but I can’t afford to lose a single one. I’m trying desperately to keep up our routines but without having to clean up… I can’t smell you in the sheets anymore. I’m still wearing the hoodie. Your bed B, I had to kneel down to be reminded today.

Or when I spill something… I still call you first, and then I remember. Every now and again, there’s a crumb of something or other. On the table, there are eighteen treats, not that you would count them. Water sloshes around when I refill your bowl. At the same time, the carpet is dry, but I’ll get to that. It’s like I’m trying to leave a trail for you to find your way home. I won’t lie that a part of me wants to be wherever you are. You wouldn’t allow that, though. We are a family, you and I, and nothing ever came between that. Besides the mess in the house, there is the mess of me. The dirt I can’t do; won’t allow.

As I said, I have a dry carpet because I’ve started taking evening showers. You hated that and would start crying to get me out. I’ve been having cravings for onion rings because, one, they’re not fries; that’s our thing. Two, you couldn’t have onion rings anyway. The same goes for chocolate. The most we ever had was when Indiana Gone warned me about… never mind. But I bought her plenty and a blanket and ice cream so we could hang out. I was so frightened you’d find some crumb, but that’s when I had it MADE. I cleaned up for her. You cleaned up for us; Life wasn’t messy.

My heart, my mind, and my soul, you got it all B III. You’re Made, Main, Braxton My Maid Man.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Gospel 230 ~Beauty And The Braxton~

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My sister got Braxton hooked on Disney once upon a time. He was a little beast but also a prince, and what can I say about myself. In a way, he made me somebody else’s “prince charming” because if I could love him? “Beauty And The Braxton.”

Tuesday, February 16, 2021

Gospel 230 ~Beauty And The Braxton~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I must like a lot, love more, or share with my dear little Braxton.

You can thank my second BFF for teaching him how to get along with you. It took her about three maybe four months. After Braxton crawled all over her for a few minutes, he was all but willing to let her stay. Like Father like Son? When it comes to people and before I met you, I had a saying. If you’re not my dog, my girl, or applying for the position, don’t touch me. Now I still can’t think about another furry kid. Yes, I have you, my love, so other women… Yeah, I’m not crazy, or am I? I’m not the “BEAST” I once was, but I’m still losing it. Can you see why I’m so afraid of losing us? But losing Braxton…

He had a beautiful life… he “is” a beautiful life. I still won’t say “he was.” I tell myself, I try so hard, but where was I at noon? TRADITION… Braxton and I would usually be asleep anyway. The thing is, I wanted to give him that life he gave up to follow me. We both wanted a family. A man takes care of his family. And so I feel like a failure because I couldn’t save him. Dammit, I took from him. I have you, him, our other children, all we have and hope for. I still consider myself a selfish man with all this, Beauty that surrounds me. Why’d he have to go? He might have known you were the one before I did. Well, he wasn’t picky…

I wish I knew why he loved me. You could tell me a thousand reasons, the story of a thousand choices. Until the end, I was always his. He saw something inside me that I have yet to find. Only you found it, babygirl. The way our children look at me, they discovered it too. Braxton saw it first. Enough, so he trusted me with his favorite toy. My son allowed you to stay in my world and to let others find their way in. He saved me when I didn’t want to be saved, and now without him? His beautiful life, the beast that tried to protect me, and now I’m just well here. I love you, him, us, everything, Beauty and the Braxton.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 229 ~Beds Are Not Substitute Graves~

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Braxton would let me stay in bed, but he also knew how to get me out of it and then at the end… Hell, I would have joined him if I could’ve. Only for now, at least I’m up wanting to remember, to hold him, but Beds Are Not Substitute Graves.

Monday, February 15, 2021

Gospel 229 ~Beds Are Not Substitute Graves~

Hundred And Seventy-Five Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but does Braxton want to be with me forever? Always and forever in my heart, of course. Even now, a piece of him is around my neck. What about everything that is on my nightstand? I’m sure even today (Time-Travel, it’s still Saturday, his birthday). He wouldn’t want me to spend all day in bed mourning. No, that’s what we did on my Emergence Day. A bed has plenty of purposes, but it’s not as a grave. Being in a warm bed is pretty heavenly, which explains why I’m out of mine.

I’m also sure a bed isn’t made to be a shrine; again, we return to my nightstand. It’s been two weeks now or will be, and I keep Braxton’s last collar in his bed. His favorite plaything sits on his pillow in his room. Despite losing him, as I said on “that day,” they’re staying. Braxton’s bed is not exercise equipment, no matter how heavy it is to carry. With everything I have to heave at the Day Job, nothing compares. I keep thinking the whole world could tumble down, crushing me, only B III, bedding, daddy’s breaking heart. They’re not time machines either. As I told you before, I move my son’s bed to the right spot when I leave. Hell, just now, where do you think his pillow is with his toy? Right under the table as I talk to you. I’m still waiting for Braxton to go out, standing by the door.

That’s his territory, the backyard. Indiana Gone asked me where I would scatter his remains… I’ve only cried twice today, and it’s not yet 8:30 in the morning. Madam Justice, honestly, I only opened “the box” once. Inside’s a blue cloth, farther… didn’t wish any disturbance. Well, again, other than the pendant, I’m still wearing. Do I want to keep what’s left of my son sitting there dark? A bag of his hair, a clay paw print, even the certificate of his cremation? 5.5 x 8.5, how dreadful is that wanting to keep it representing Braxton. February 4, by the way, where was I when that was happening? In bed saying that it should have been me than him, honest. Today of all days, though, I’m out of bed, not living really. Existing, Remembering, and Thinking for now at least. Beds Are Not Substitute Graves

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 228 ~Okay To Love B~

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Not even thinking about Valentine’s Day, my heart is already broken. Dogs are so much better than us when it comes to most things. I don’t think I’ll ever be okay again. But to not my little boy, it’s Okay To Love B

Sunday, February 14, 2021

Gospel 228 ~Okay To Love B~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, but it still doesn’t mean a damn thing, even in the past two weeks. Worst on record

Okay, to love because it’s Valentine’s Day. To be honest, the only holiday I’ve been thinking about is Braxton’s birthday, and how did that go? It’s still Saturday right now, and I got nothing. You can relate. I know and can’t think about loving a damn thing. I don’t blame you. It’s like you’re starting at square one all over again. You can believe it’s okay to love, but who or what? Your mother always, and you’re awfully close to Indiana Gone but Braxton… The loss of a child, what can you do with that? Love might as well be some kind of farce. Yet I pretend, and you continue, don’t you? Such is Denial, but you can’t forget love or these Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 044 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 051) No Fap
  2. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Writing “Look A Thing Like Santa”
    Failed
  5. I AM Finishing Gathering For Braxton’s Albums
    Partial Completion, Found Photos On FB Going By Month And Titles
  6. I AM Finishing Reading The Enchanter by Vladimir Nabokov
    Completed

“Okay, to leave,” but that has taken on such dark implications. The last time those words were spoken was on January 31. A lie… no, because that would mean love itself is a lie. Braxton loved me, he loves you, even now or so, you gain strength by keeping him close. To let his life go was one thing, but to let it all go? No, because where would you be? Just like me, you’ve already decided that it merely doesn’t matter anymore. You leave another treat on the table, another full bowl of water. You still think about what it would be like to leave him three weeks ago, but he left you two weeks ago. There’s nowhere, yet these remain Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 051 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Writing “Look A Thing Like Santa”
  5. I AM Finishing Gathering, Braxton’s Albums
  6. I AM Finishing Reading “A Dog’s Purpose” W. Bruce Cameron

Okay, to lose brain cells. Whether it’s by repeated insanity. You keep saying it, Braxton’s name, your usual phrases. It’s not like you’re going to hear him come bounding downstairs. You know where he lies, you know where You want him to be, and still. It’s like I can’t walk. Forgetting that he’s gone. I’ve been oblivious to plenty, yep. When any of it even comes to Braxton. It’s been two weeks today, and I’ve found tears every single one. You will as well, so let it all be pushed to the side. If it had only been Braxton before… Could he still be alive? Because it is never okay to forget how much you love him. And you, he decided Okay To Love B.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 226 ~Did Braxton Get Taller~

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Who do you look up to? Me, I look down, expecting to find Braxton waiting. He’ll look to me to pick him up. I’m making sure Braxton doesn’t slip out the door, his scent. He got up there in years, heroics, the Rainbow Bridge… “Did Braxton Get Taller,”

Friday, February 12, 2021

Gospel 226 ~Did Braxton Get Taller~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I should have bought Braxton stairs. He got taller. Higher, Further, Faster, baby, My Braxton.

No, he wasn’t Captain Marvel. The night I met my son, he was carried in by his grandfather. The runt of the litter, though I don’t know if that’s me building up his lore. THEY say tell the legend, so I consider it. Facts he’s a full Deer Head Chihuahua. The next thing I know, he’s in my sister’s arms, a gift. Let me stick to Braxton before… So I wanted my sister to let him walk. Hell, I was at least “twenty,” but I was all in for “puppy love.” Let’s say for days Braxton had better security than the U.S. Capitol, um yep. While I’m on the subject, his name Braxton Barks Bradford, B III, Triple B, Little B, the beat goes on.

Before he could decide on his direction, my mom named him. I thought she got the name from The Jamie Foxx Show and the character Braxton P. Hartnabrig. I think now he was named after the singer Toni Braxton. For three days ha he was Neo, “the one” my one. Now, of course, you get the Bradford but the “Barks?” It was his purpose, plus I was one for Stan Lee’s character names, thank you Raj, TBBT. If B had any other purpose, my sister would carry him around in her purse, which never happened. Then came the move. Braxton and mine and for about six years as the song goes… Just The Two Of Us. It should’ve been much longer, than that I know.

He made me a father, and he was my son, the SUN. He defended my kingdom, and I called him a little prince, no I made him a GOD. I didn’t know prayer until I asked God knows who for his safety, strength, and soul. I became a villain, but Braxton is my Hero. How can I be surprised that my little boy, who figured his butt should never touch hardwood, could fly into my arms? He could jump onto beds and couches. My son became the angel and sometimes little devil on my shoulder. And now, on February 10 (time-travel), I get a call to pick-up his… he made it to the Rainbow Bridge.

Higher, Further, Faster, I’m still growing. Did Braxton Get Taller

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 225 ~B For I Look~

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It’s been 11 days, and not one has passed without me in tears. What I’ve read has only served as a reminder that you’re not here, and yet what do I do. As always, refill the water and, on the other, dust off my nightstand for everything. B For I Look

Thursday, February 11, 2021

Gospel 225 ~B For I Look~

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Mine… are you looking at McDonald’s or my shoes, the door outside, or my face.

I’m looking for you everywhere. Probably one of the reasons I keep crying because I’m scared I won’t see you again. I slept a bit late today and jumped. Only you can’t go missing… your meds still in the bottle. Your water once again I refilled. A treat, 11 now. I can still smell you all around, your bed and mine, my hoodie. I feel you wrapped around my legs. My hands, sometimes it’s like I’ve dropped something, and then I remember. I would give anything to share a fry with you. I would have called the silence the worst. Nope, it was that final look we shared. I still don’t know if it was goodbye, a why, a sigh as you left me here.

Yet I keep looking for you. Maybe you’re in the backyard though I haven’t opened those doors since you’ve been gone. Every morning I climb out of the shower expecting you in your bed. At night you’d be outside the bathroom whining. Hated evening showers. Braxton, I haven’t been on my knees once to look under the bed, to clean your bathroom pad, or to talk to God. Of course, that third one didn’t happen too often. If I were looking to the divine, I would turn to you. I was blind, and now I see. Only where’d you go. Rainbow Bridge seems to be the consensus. Heaven. I swear I looked for you in the sky yesterday, and it’s been raining ever since B.

If I could see you again, you would be right here with me. Right by my side, walked and full of treats. Wondering why I got up late as I’m still typing. When You were young, you’d going tearing around and about. I’d find your favorite toy, throw it around. Now Braxton, where do I find you? Give me strength as I find the pendant I had made for you. Yesterday you were in a bag, your life, everything I’ve known or wanted to, sitting next to me. You’re on my nightstand picture frame, name plaque stuck to a box. Braxton, you’re on a card in words of doctors and friends, second BFF your grandma. Only you’re not lost, I know B For I Look.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad