Tag: Braxton

Gospel 223 ~Braxton Didn’t Cry, Willie~

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The person that has made fun of me for crying the most is my Old Man. I don’t want to talk about him, though. Why did Braxton feel he had to be so strong for me? I’ve cried most more times in nine days than… Braxton Didn’t Cry, Willie.

Tuesday, February 2, 2021

Gospel 223 ~Braxton Didn’t Cry, Willie~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so I would only have you cry tears of joy. There is no joy in me.

Was it wrong of me not to take you and our other children with me to Braxton’s goodbye? All my life, I was taught that a man ain’t supposed to cry. Nowhere motivationally, all my music, and from an individual, I hope you never meet; my “father.” Braxton didn’t cry. So how many times have you caught me, hmm? I remain a traditionalist that a man must be strong. My son was the strongest man even when I was running around calling him a puppy. One day out of seven is what I blame myself for, well, two days. The day he did cry, and the day I would never hear him cry again. A Wednesday and Sunday, because he took after me. My Braxton.

How is it okay for a man to hate but not to cry? I hated. Not him, never my son, but I hated people and ignored his crying. Now it’s all I do. I hate myself, and I cry for him, and there’s nothing. Indiana Gone told me before she got married that if her groom wasn’t crying, she was going back up the aisle. I’m sure I teared-up out of love for you when it was our turn. Only the tears that I have shed in nine days alone. Has it only been over a week, and I’ve been sniffling, sobbing, silent except for the times you’ve caught me. I’m sure Indiana Gone has shed some tears, and others, even you. But should I?

For the first time from forever, I have to say this time; I don’t give a damn what you think. I don’t mean to sound awful, but I was Braxton’s father before you. If he had cried just one time that Sunday? No, he cried Wednesday as I stewed in bed, hating the whole world, losing my soul. I lost him, and the fact that such was allowed to happen? No again, this is my fault; only I don’t cry for me but only for him. It makes me wonder why I was made so. It scares me still when our children cried as babies and cry now. Should I let you grieve with me, the loss of my Braxton? No, Braxton Didn’t Cry, Willie.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 222 ~Reasonable That Victoria Keeps Secrets~

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I don’t know what’s worst than saying Braxton’s gone, my son is dead. Everything that has been said and not, nothing will trump that. Yet in life, we keep some things to ourselves, right? “Reasonable That Victoria Keeps Secrets,” right

Monday, February 8, 2021

Gospel 222 ~Reasonable That Victoria Keeps Secrets~

Hundred And Seventy-Forth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I should have plenty of secrets. You know I do, but for the first time in forever, I don’t care. I’ve told you the worst thing I’ve ever done. Madam Justice, I’ll keep saying it. I killed my son, Braxton is dead because of me. For my failure at being his father, he paid with his life. I’m scared, of course. At the same time, I’ve got nothing left to lose. Why should I care about anything else? What makes me a man has nothing to do with, as the song goes, Underneath Your Clothes.

Take away a man’s son, you’ve truly given him nothing left to lose. – Zombieland

I also don’t have to sing “I Wish It Would Rain,” for I am not ashamed of crying. Hell, it might help to feel anger. It’s been one week; well, it’s Saturday now. Who am I to talk about the stages of grief? I haven’t cried like this since… I don’t know; I’m in Denial. It’s one of the reasons I won’t share this more publicly. I’m not my father. Didn’t I tell you before? I could still feel Braxton’s warmth, and he’s all like, “get a new dog.” He’s lost two, and I don’t recall batting an eye, but I didn’t say, “oh well.” Then his mother died um. Nothing ever hid his hatred towards me. I’ve heard the Christians talk about putting on the whole “Armor of God.” It would do nothing to shield me from my anxiety. Give me dog hair any day of the week. Still, I walked in with Braxton, and I walked out alone.

I bore my soul to the world, and what of Braxton’s? Haven’t I said I would have saved or sold mine to keep his? I haven’t cared about my body since. Only I keep dressing, going to the Day Job, I took a shower somehow. Um, does any of this have to do with the rule? Honestly, I haven’t looked; I mean, really seen a woman since the vets had mercy on Braxton. I still have Twitter, of course, and artistic endeavors. To be honest, I haven’t been checking the bank except to shop online for food. How will I ever go into Walmart Sunday? Women hide things, and I’m a man hell with nothing more. Fatherhood, heart, balls, Braxton

No one knows what it’s like… ha, plenty know. But, Reasonable That Victoria Keeps Secrets.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 221 ~Willing To Lie Braxton~

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I would lie with him longer. Before I knocked on that door. I told him the truth that soon he wouldn’t hurt anymore. The only lie I said is that I would be okay. So he didn’t have to worry. All he ever lied about was treats. “Willing To Lie Braxton.”

Sunday, February 7, 2021

Gospel 221 ~Willing To Lie Braxton~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, but it doesn’t bring Braxton back. How long are you willing to lie? I don’t blame you.

Lies, coming from Braxton. Damn, you would be willing to die for those lies once again. It wasn’t laziness today as you stumbled out of bed how he would spin around begging for a treat. Hell, last week around this time, you followed him. “Dad, I’m going to be okay.” Lien on my heart, my soul, on all that I am, whatever take it. Be it God, the Devil. Suppose you could be the man from three weeks ago. You’re willing to be afraid if it meant having him back. The thing is now; nobody wants you, a harsh truth to face. Nope, never denying it. “Liege, Dad, Will” to Braxton though you were all these things and more, or at least he lied well.

“Whatever you want, whatever I got, it’s yours.” From Negan

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 037 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 044) No Fap
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
    PERMANENTLY
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Writing “Look A Thing Like Santa”
    Failed
  5. I AM Cleaning The House BUT Some Things Aren’t Changing Despite This Sunday
    Completed
  6. I AM Finishing Reading Succubus Lord 8 by Eric Vall
    Completed

Lieu of any sense, it seems but, Six Impossible Things… What’s more impossible than merely going for a walk with him again? Let me tell you, it’s a good thing I didn’t shop for him at the Day Job. You wouldn’t be working any. The places that remind you now. Lied, fuck man, the one thing that deserves the “Undisputed Truth,” and it’s this. You killed Braxton, or I did… Well, the mere fact that the life I lived that you now lead was connected with his. If you conceived the fact that he would live another day without you?
Lie here alone… chances are you wouldn’t be here, but Braxton deserved so much better. You’re a man that can’t do these Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 044 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Writing “Look A Thing Like Santa”
  5. I AM Finishing Gathering For Braxton’s Albums
  6. I AM Finishing Reading The Enchanter by Vladimir Nabokov

Lieutenant though, there was no one better than him. It’s like you’re walking through fucking Hell, at least for me, it was. Do you know what the Ninth Circle is? Treachery. The principle that comes first in defining it is BETRAYAL. Strange… nope, you walk alone. Liar, that you can never be when it comes to love that I will always and forever feel for my son, that you have for him. Still, nothing helps, does it. When he died, a part of me died with him, and now it’s like you’re frozen there. You can’t move, why should you? Lie down next to Braxton for all those years and now when he gets up… Like three weeks ago, get up. Willing To Lie Braxton

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 219 ~For Will, Pancakes, Braxton~

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I don’t want to talk about other people’s stories now. It’s only been a few days, and I keep thinking I should write out Braxton’s. That is when I can see straight for a little while. Not from hunger but too many tears. “For Will, Pancakes, Braxton.”

Friday, February 5, 2021

Gospel 219 ~For Will, Pancakes, Braxton~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I still buy pancakes. I’ve told the pancake stories, and here we go again, ready?

Braxton was young, and I was too old to still live with my Olds; much too old. I had a thing for Aunt Jemima French Toast, or maybe it was waffles. One morning after getting breakfast, I forgot a drink and left the food sitting on my bed. I come back and find this ball of fluff soaked in syrup, a big grin on his face, happy as can be. Well, the next day, I sit a plate of pancakes out of his reach. My Mom comes by and says, “You must really love pancakes.” That’s how I love my son. I would start saying, “I love you like pancakes,” meaning I placed him higher than anything in my life. My heart, my mind, Heaven…

When he was born, though… I wasn’t there. He came into my life in the hands of his grandfather. Braxton couldn’t have been more mine, but he started as a “gift” to my sister. I should have treated him as my “present” every day, but come another Sunday and TWD…

“When you were, uh, pouring the Bisquick, were you trying to make pancakes?” from TWD.

I made Braxton my son. He made me a better man, an alright one, a father. He died Sunday but today’s not that story. Not for you anyway, as I try to block it out, but it plays again; my little boy, dying there. I’ll start crying again, and not a day has gone by without tears. Making other kids…

No, not one could sit in my lap the way he did; how he would curl up as if I were a plate and he was a pancake. No matter what, he was a little prince, and I was his throne. Sometimes he would bring his toy like a scepter and sit it beside me. He would place it in my lap when he rather not be bothered. Near the end, he would lie there, sweating, “leaking” I don’t know what. I still haven’t washed the sheets or his stuff. If it weren’t for work, he would always be on my jeans. Everyone tells me to eat, and right now… Hell, my stomach will be filled, but I am empty. Needing, For Will, Pancakes, Braxton.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 218 ~Eyes Have It Will~

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First off, I won’t be talking to Dirty Diana anymore. Thursdays are now for Braxton, well, every day, but I wanted to talk to him today. There would have never been enough time as I sat there or when he was here with me. Eyes Have It Will he is.

Thursday, February 4, 2021

Gospel 218 ~Eyes Have It Will~

Just Me Baby B,
I’m sorry! It’s like I ordered onion rings instead of fries. The way your eyes would light up; Braxton, your eyes.

Your grandma says I should remember the “happy” times. I’m trying, but that doesn’t really mean anything, does it? The look you gave me knowing that. “Daddy, can we go home?” You struggled, but always, you were so strong, never wanting me to worry. Did you understand as you walked along to your water bowl? When the assistant, carried you. As we sat there waiting. “I don’t like it here. Why are you crying? Let’s go home.” I should have told them, give me those last few days. Fuck my job, fuck everything, and have you stay because all you wanted was to come home. At least I keep telling myself that. And you are here, the moment I returned and saw your gate waiting.

Were you looking towards those pearly ones or The Rainbow Bridge? You didn’t even look at your leg; they taped up for…Braxton, you looked at me. It’s been that way, always and forever. Since your syrupy face days. When I was a troll still living with my parents. Every morning you would run to the gate, my little Cerberus. You’d come back, “aren’t you proud dad, huh dad.” When I would come back from the Day Job and fall into bed. You’d nuzzle me and turn towards the door. I’d find you sitting there on the end of the bed, waiting for any sign of life. I knew before she even said the words. I knew. Your eyes, that spark, our time together, “He’s gone.”

Betrayal, Bad News, Be Alive, B III, please like before. Only the words wouldn’t come, and what could they do now. What could I do? That final look somehow encompasses everything. “Why can’t I stay?” “You Bastard!” “But Daddy?” “Goodbye.” It made it, I don’t know what, as I walked along. Your bed, collar, toy, leash, hoodie, and everyone saw. You were looking, I know. Despite all these things that I have done, it’s as if the world vanished. For some reason, I looked to the sky, and in the sun, it was like you were looking right at me, saying, “I’m still here, Daddy, it’s okay.” I believe you…

“Be good, Daddy. I love you. Make good decisions.” Watch over me, Braxton, I shall try. Eyes Have It, Will.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Lesson 046 ~You Can Hate Me~

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Not my theme song as of yet, though plenty of people hate my kind, I, on the other hand, am an equal opportunity hater but that doesn’t help with the question where is the love “You Can Hate Me,” maybe I know plenty of people that do in fact

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Lesson 046 ~You Can Hate Me~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, but is it truly so bad, if we have equal rights, if I don’t have to pretend to like you, if I can be me and you can be you and no I’m not talking about separate but equal like back in the day, that wasn’t fair, no not at all. What I mean is, for some Luna, I talked about this last night, I don’t want to make the effort to pretend; I know there is such a thing as courtesy, but there is a fine line between being friends and then being friendly.

Work is not the place I go to make friends *cough* “Okay” *cough* “Gospel Girl” *cough*, so what can I say I like a particular type of girl but I consider myself one for equal opportunity with different women. Isn’t that profiling though, I mean how many of those white supremacists know anything about different races, other than what they have been taught to believe. Don’t I have experience on my side when it comes to people, as I said equality, the people I want to make an honest effort with I’ll most certainly try.

Hate though, still not religious but why does God make it so easy, he’s pretty equal to when you consider ending the world with a flood, Lot’s family, Job, and others, he made an effort and screwed everybody else. It’s not an old concept my dear Luna, I want to be friendly but I don’t want to be your friend, I’m not talking about us of course, you and I are friends, even through the years of not speaking I hope. Why is it we all hate to be hated or even worse ignored, I’m exactly the same in that I want to be liked, but I also want to be left alone most days.

So why am I hated if I’m not one for doing anything at all, hated for existing or as I talked about last night the fear of how I, how they, how we might go about changing the world, the status quo. I’m not superior to anybody but don’t I want to be, at least where money and power are concerned, I can be a bit hoity-toity here and there.

“A man’s sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions… He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience a sense of self-esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own value will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer–because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement.”
― Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

I’m sure I told you in a former life that my grandmother said I was full of pride, can you believe that, me with pride but I do see it from time to time. Why would anybody hate me, Luna, I’ve been raised in the south but most people that look down on me are my “own” people, yeah I’ve had my share of racism but compared to what?

When I go shopping I always go for name brands, I can’t do the general stuff but that’s not me flaunting superiority is it, there honestly is a difference in quality is it not? What about certain women, experience Luna, just experience if one type of woman turns me down or hates me outright who am I to continue to show love? Martin Luther King Jr wanted to turn hate into love and it is an admirable goal without a doubt but I cannot show that sort of effort, I don’t need the world to love me… oh yeah, fame.

Why do people hate me, I can look in the mirror and know for a fact that I’m not easy to look at, of course, “Indiana Gone” would have some choice words if she heard me say that. I haven’t said skeevy in a while but yes I am, I won’t deny it, I crossed a line and you know what we both did, we built a wall, well actually I made a trench and she filled it with a wall. For certain it’s because I’m not like them and if I ever was I would hate myself all the more, yeah I want to be loud but not stupid.

Do I consider myself smarter then, if it’s between Shakespeare and football then give me Shakespeare but they don’t have to listen to it if they don’t want? When you hate everything you are to become what they want is the ultimate crime, when they can’t turn you and when you can’t leave because there is nowhere else to go.

“But we make the brain perfect before we blow it out.” ― George Orwell, 1984

How is it they say, if you can’t deal with my worse then you don’t deserve my best, the only thing worse than my outside is within and that’s why I give people a reason to hate me, in a way it’s a public service, making people less shallow. Is it possible to vanquish hate, with an understanding perhaps but humanity prefers love with hatred coming in a close second.

The fact that people hate me at all is something, hatred takes a lot of effort, not thought, effort, though ask me why I hate anybody and while I have my fear I can name dozens of reasons but most people aren’t worth the effort. Indifference is supposed to be worse but I rather have that than you being someone who isn’t worth the effort, making me want to understand and then choosing to hate because it saves some time. If you want to know a time that love came easily when I first saw Braxton, how about the first brunette that somehow captured my heart, or reading “The Gargoyle”.

“I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you’re always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you’re not around, and the fact that you didn’t call. But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.” 10 Things I Hate About You

While I don’t see love on the horizon, I see hate around every corner, I’m going to hate tomorrow, the job, the people, my bank account but I’ll make the effort just to get through it. I hate the failures that will come, that the man I want to be won’t defeat the man I am and I’ll hate him more furiously than anyone else because I know how and I don’t want to hate people more than I already do. I will especially hate the future, if I’m still at the same job, still alone, and Braxton isn’t going to live forever, even today the sound when he wasn’t here but at the groomers, now that Luna is hate.

So what have I learned today, other than I’m making a few claims on the world that I can’t back up, not without somebody bleeding; there was hate then, hate now, and hate in the future so I better find somebody to love that has more than four legs. I shouldn’t hate at all but the world doesn’t bend to my will as of yet so, You Can Hate Me.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 043 ~You Don’t Have “It” ~

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You’ll float to and here I was saying, I believe I can fly but that’s going to take more than a certain “It”, I’m going to need “It” in every form that I can think of and even more my friend. You Don’t Have “It” so maybe I should read something

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Lesson 043 ~You Don’t Have “It” ~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, maybe I do and maybe I don’t but we won’t know until I get serious about what I want to do with my life; forty-three days and I’m still standing or sitting as the case maybe. I’ve been saying that I was going to buy a cookbook but I guess eating isn’t all that important seeing as how I bought a book on blogging instead.

“You don’t have it,” – Laura, Staying Alive (1983)

It’s about that time of the year where I have to start thinking about all the stuff I got instead of the stuff I don’t, you remember years back where I was compared to now, I pay for my own Wi-Fi, a four legged son, a phone that has made me one of The Walking Dead etc. Not much movement on the publishing front, though I have a few believers and I have plans upon plans if I can ever get to them. I don’t have “It” though the motivation is building and if I can just get to actually learning, this craft of mine.

I mean to this day I still can’t tell you Lu, what made “Mime No More” so great and while I’ve stopped my Second Circle Creations “Cousin Skeevy” for a bit, my other works aren’t exactly best sellers either. Even today I had a nightmare about you know who and thought there may be consequences and repercussions but again, it’s not like she follows me anymore and I haven’t lost any mutual friends. Between you and me I think my poetry is actually getting better but it lacks that punch, that zing, and these days I’ve been trying to separate the people on Instagram that just want a follow for a follow from the people who are actually interested in whatever I choose to say.

Could be worse, you remember when I was getting requested from every hacker, scammer, dumbass, trying to play to my libido, hell I could have been a moderator… was it my change in writing style. Which leads me to today’s lesson, “It” how do I get It, what do I want with It, what will It change in my life.

“When are you going to this, B? Life for a Slayer is very simple — want…take…have.” Faith, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

I need plenty in this life Luna but that never stops the want, you simply make a choice, people think love is so complicated and trust me it can be but love in its simplest form is saying I choose you, three little words. For example, I could use more food… I’m not starving like “M Anime” thinks, I don’t need it but I could use it but I choose to spend forty bucks on Braxton why, because I want or need to, because I love him, because I choose him, to be happy and healthy, clean, safe, everything else.

Is Love “It” at one point I would have answered yes but considering my life “BB” before Braxton, it was more a want, my mom talks about unconditional love being one of the reasons I’m still alive she obviously doesn’t know how many times I almost died. I told you about “Project Alamo” if things got too bad I wouldn’t fail this dying thing again, I couldn’t afford to. I’m sorry this is getting a bit more depressing than I intended, the mind just wants what it wants doesn’t it, yeah explain my poetry again?

“The heart wants what the heart wants,” – Woody Allen

Not the greatest role model, neither is R. Kelly but let’s talk about what the body wants… if I let mine have its say I might still be in bed, great more depression, it’s a miracle I’m even at the dining room table. Don’t ask me how I know but there’s an app that actually keeps track of well… let’s just say Josh Harnett could have used it in “40 Days and 40 Nights” I’m on Day 19. What about the fact that I wouldn’t mind doing some actual physical damage, I still got a cut on my hand, I unloaded my airsoft gun so I could do some shooting, and I got one big ass knife to be sure.

Still sounding scary, is death “It”, Luna no I don’t want to die and to save you the suspense there is but one real “It” and that is POWER. There is nothing more than power, and that’s “It” okay and the Stephen King novel turned movie, I’m going to see.

“I’m not going there to die, I’m going there to find out if I’m really alive” Spike Spiegel, Cowboy Bebop

“Indiana Gone,” asked me the question of the century… I have no illusions of living to a hundred but blah-blah sucks too, anyway so she asked me, what do I want for my “Day”? I gave her the company line of impossible, immoral, or illegal, now of course if I had “It” this would be made moot, I could have anything, power my dear Lady Lu, with that there would be nothing else I wanted or needed in this world.

“Now I will tell you the answer to my question. It is this. The Party seeks power entirely for its own sake. We are not interested in the good of others; we are interested solely in power, pure power. What pure power means you will understand presently. We are different from the oligarchies of the past in that we know what we are doing. All the others, even those who resembled ourselves, were cowards and hypocrites. The German Nazis and the Russian Communists came very close to us in their methods, but they never had the courage to recognize their own motives. They pretended, perhaps they even believed, that they had seized power unwillingly and for a limited time, and that just around the corner there lay a paradise where human beings would be free and equal. We are not like that. We know that no one ever seizes power with the intention of relinquishing it. Power is not a means; it is an end. One does not establish a dictatorship in order to safeguard a revolution; one makes the revolution in order to establish the dictatorship. The object of persecution is persecution. The object of torture is torture. The object of power is power. Now you begin to understand me.”
― George Orwell, 1984

Luna I could only hope to be so wise in my life, knowledge is power but just one of many forms and in the end, I want it all, I said before satisfaction is the death of desire but in the same breath I wish to want for nothing, Doublethink I suppose. “It” is not just being loved but understood, as Winston Smith saw and can you really think of anyone that loves or understands me, I can think of some willing to try and even then I would have to lie to us both. Ask me what I would want if I truly held Aladdin’s lamp, even the genie gave him rules, no asking to kill, no raising, the dead, and no getting someone to fall in love period.

“What does one want when one is engaged in the sexual act? That everything around you gives you its utter attention, think only of you, care only for you…every man wants to be a tyrant when he fornicates.”
Marquis de Sade, Philosophy in the Boudoir

So what do I want… let’s go for two, two, and two, impossible, immoral, and illegal, let’s see: become friends with Ms. Seasons again, and write a best seller. As for immoral… certain women I want in my bed or just to be able to say whatever I pleased and for the world to hear it, know it, understand it, yeah I’m avoiding that one for some reason. Now illegal, one is just bad, and the other, wanting to kill someone, yeah I saw some of the Hostel series and you know my sick mind.

So what have we learned today, besides “It” is relative, when will I see it, who knows but I’m always hoping and I have to see the original movie before the remake, now don’t I? Today though, who knows if “It” will be a pretty face, a load of cash, some new followers, but when I have the power that I want, I will look upon those enemies and I’ll say You Don’t Have “It”.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 042 ~Lost in The Translation~

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The English language is weird, maybe all language is in general and nobody hears the same thing at least when it truly matters to them. Lost in The Translation or I’d probably be in even more trouble than the usual.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Lesson 042 ~Lost in The Translation~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, and no genius either but sometimes I feel damn near erudite when it comes to what others talk about. That being said, I’m still the caveman, well the cave dweller since I haven’t been out for a while and I can’t say I miss the grunting, I rather enjoy the silence that can’t last forever.

One of the managers said I need to speak up more, to be more like them, okay maybe not that second part but that would just be me pretending again. I must never forget that while I am trying to speak more, I won’t let myself become one of those people who just utters a pile of gibberish just to make myself heard. As I’ve said before I may not know who I am, but I know what I don’t want to be, yeah I refuse to speak idiot or just plain loud like them.

Then again do I sound like an idiot to you… I know some people think as such but with every comment that I receive, it’s probably the lack of punctuation that bothers me the least. How about my atrocious hand writing, here I go again Luna putting words in their mouths, the last comment I got was small and why didn’t I just take it as small, it’s the translation. Today’s lesson, another manager told me that perception is reality and I hate that because what does that say about me on any given day.

I told you before that silence is my native tongue and to others that must make me shy, meek, nobody and when they learn… I suppose we all learn but it starts with what they say vs. what we hear, the language of us right?

“HE DIDN’T FALL? INCONCEIVABLE.

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.” – The Princess Bride (1987)

This is how my day began, you see if you tell most girls that they were the first thing on your mind well… three examples, “Indiana Gone” would be thrilled, Luna you were second but you don’t care do you, and of course, you know who was first big surprise.

So I was thinking about stilts… hear me out Luna, I was thinking in terms of high heels but after a bit of research I found that stilts in my mind wouldn’t be the same as in everybody else’s. I think I ruined a pretty good poem today though I did it anyway, what was it I said, I enjoy the silence, how about that it doesn’t matter what anybody thinks of me. Yeah but Luna I can’t buy all my own books can I, it damn sure better matter what people think of me, maybe not understand but a suitable translation of my writing.

Speaking of translation may be PetSmart should work on that or I’m just an idiot thinking the left hand should know what the right hand is doing, seems stupid that Braxton goes to the doctor and will get groomed in the same place and it’s like apples and oranges. Maybe I’m right to be as nervous as I am, especially considering this will be the first time I leave him in someone’s hands who isn’t “family” then again my father…

How about my conversation with “M Anime” one I really need to write these nicknames down and two I doubt anyone but me is going to get that name at all. She can’t read me nowhere near as well as Indiana Gone, and “Gospel Girl” still thinks I’m a good person and haven’t heard from “Okay” in a day or so. “Ms. Seasons” understood in a way and even if I wanted to say that I was taken out of context, I’m not President Trump.

I don’t speak idiot, I speak movies and music, sexual innuendos, BDSM, a web of obscenity and my mom never told me this but if you can’t say anything nice…

“How many languages do you speak?

Five, actually.

Well, I speak one… One Zero One Zero Zero. With that, I could steal your money, your secrets, your sexual fantasies, your whole life. Any country, any place, any time I want. We multitask like you breathe. I couldn’t think as slow as you if I tried.” – from The Core (2003)

Say what you mean and mean what you say but that’s all relative isn’t it and it gets worse when you can’t understand at all, sometimes Braxton looks at me, he has food, water, been outside, doesn’t appear to be in pain and he cries and I just tell him “no”. We don’t want to understand more to the point we want to hear what we think we already know and some language is universal.

“I don’t want people dead, Agent Valentine. I don’t put a gun to anybody’s head and make them shoot. But shooting is better for business. But, I prefer people to fire my guns and miss. Just as long as they are firing. Can I go now?” Lord of War (2005)

Violence by far is the easiest, okay Luna I know you didn’t sign up for philosophy 101 *snickers* but it tells the speaker one thing, the listener another, the bystanders, and it is all lost in the roar. Pain and horror, there is not one word that can make it better, not without action, even understanding is lost to the moment. How about a kiss, all the words in the world but sex, a kiss, a hug, holding hands, that silence before and after, intimacy?

“Don’t speak
I know just what you’re saying
So please stop explaining
Don’t tell me cause it hurts
Don’t speak
I know what you’re thinking
I don’t need your reasons
Don’t tell me cause it hurts” – Don’t Speak, No Doubt

Even telling Braxton no, a lot I think I speak Braxton quite fluently but I have yet to meet the one person that can speak my language, I may think so and then they start talking but a few do try. How about speaking a woman’s language, why not try speaking French again, I sort of failed at both; I do not miss high school at all. Anyway didn’t we go over all of this before, with Gospel Girl I’ve been a gentlemen and even Indiana Gone likes me to be sweet sometimes but being honest, the truth hurts.

I’ve already admitted that silence scares me too sometimes, echoes in the past that warn me of my future, but anyway what have I learned today? Always look up words, another reason I don’t speak often, Wilt ‘The Stilt’ Chamberlain didn’t come to mind when I was writing and I’m lucky most of the things are Lost in The Translation.

Lesson 041 ~Poking, Prodding, Pampering, Pushing~

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Today’s episode of Easy Street is brought to you by the letter “P”, there are plenty of good words that start with P but what about pain or better the prevention of pain if you’re my dog. Poking, Prodding, Pampering, Pushing

 

Friday, August 11, 2017

Lesson 041 ~Poking, Prodding, Pampering, Pushing~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, I wish I could say no humiliation, no abandonment issues, no new taxes and the like but that would be wishful thinking wouldn’t it? Not the way most people look at a trip to the doctor or a visit to the groomers but Braxton and I will just have to suck it up, won’t we?

“If you’re not my dog, my girl, or looking to be, don’t touch me” Me

Something I have always wanted to say at work if I was ever pushed to do so and speaking of which nobody is pushing me to the eye doctor, and Braxton could live his life as always but here we go. Already I have to confirm the appointments and already the anxiety is getting to me but other than my eyes, a trip to another doctor just isn’t in the cards. I think child me knew more than adult me, I mean who actually pays to be tortured; how lucky I am that I don’t enjoy in pain, my pain.

Braxton if anything is a big baby but I can’t help but be worried about him, we’ve nearly survived another year and now I want to trust him to somebody else, honestly, it’s just a spa treatment really. Is that how it works, he makes me mad enough and I send him on an all-expenses paid vacation, what’s going to happen when I finally meet the right woman. Do we really need to talk about what happens with women and when I get upset, seriously for the last few days it has been all about Ms. Seasons, in another life I would have been fired?

Please don’t get fired, luckily she is far, far away but work has turned into a dangerous place, new people coming in and people who don’t entirely piss me off quitting and getting canned. So yeah Luna no pampering for me and “The Day” is coming but before that, a friend’s birthday, and there is this hustle of mine, so far twenty bucks but that’s a far cry from what’s need in my writing friend.

“Define Economics.

Economics is a science that deals with the production, distribution, and consumption of commodities.

Translation?

Dig first, money later.” Abbe Faria, Edmond Dantes, The Count of Monte Cristo

Isn’t it strange that it wasn’t the money at all that first provoked me, pushed me, pained me, Lady Lu, my motivations, payback, pain, and pussy… I know my language.

When I cried out to you more than a month ago it was the pain I found unbearable and I kept writing to sedate it, probably more so now but then there is hope Luna. I’d like to think hope that I could have a better life and again while I won’t completely ignore profit I was mad as Hell, I prepared myself for a war that would never come. She blocked me off of everything, wrote me off like others… far more disturbing and while she couldn’t care at all I write because… I want success and in having something that succeeds her, I have my payback, my glory.

“Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.” – Andy Dufresne, The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

Which brings me to pain again, physically I am sore, my eyes hurt some, I would be lost without my glasses and the only reason I must be so cautious is for Braxton’s sake. When it comes to other people, allow me to sound like a psycho but if I don’t like you death or think you’re ugly death is certain, it’s those I care for, those I find the most beautiful that I hurt the most; a part of being a sadist, okay back to your original program Luna.

Now “Indiana Gone” and I talk about what a man will do for a woman and yes I have done plenty in the name of attraction and madness, it’s biology as always. I dream that I am a man that will do the impossible you know, become all Man of La Mancha with it but you saw what that guy was like; anyway, while I am a sadist for one reason I am a dominant for the other. I must sound so crazy… I get off on bondage, on command, on control, okay one of these days we’re going to have a huge BDSM discussion.

Anyway, payback, pain, pussy, why not link all three into one, power, and when you go to the doctor you’re giving your life, your power, to someone else, submission Luna and I hate my own.

“Lust is to the other passions what the nervous fluid is to life; it supports them all, lends strength to them all ambition, cruelty, avarice, revenge, are all founded on lust.”
― Marquis de Sade

Luna, I hate being poked and prodded for the answers I should have and don’t, I hate pretenders and those who attempt to placate me, I even hate being pampered to a certain degree, teased. Braxton is surely his father’s son because he hates being poked and prodded for bugs or his health, and don’t get me started on the pampering unless life was one big bed in the sunlight with a shady spot, surrounded by meat and I was stuck with him for life.

I hate being pushed to the limit, and as many times as I say I have hit rock bottom, it seems that push still has me falling and it’s a long way down. Doing this Luna is an act of pushing myself and I don’t know where I’m going but something tells me that one day it won’t be vice constantly pushing me forward. Oh my cough *women* cough, I just mean I’ll look forward to my work rather than living in dread of truths I might set free occasionally.

Vi Veri Veniversum Vivus Vici.
By the power of truth, I, while living, have conquered the universe. – V for Vendetta

Ignorance is bliss they say and Braxton has no idea he has an appointment and I hate lying to the little guy, secrets are lies, I really have to get back to reading. As flattered as I am by authors wanting me to read their works and by being a part of an erotic reading club there is still pressure. My whole damn life I feel like I’m under pressure and we know time is running out because I always have Project Alamo on standby.

So what have we learned today other than this lesson was brought to you by the letter “P’ and I may be getting a bit presumptuous, a bit more pathetic, or hell more powerful perhaps? What I have learned is peace can only be found with absolute power, or at the dentist office (he’s got the good drugs) or when you’re not thinking with a certain part of your anatomy just Poking, Prodding, Pampering, Pushing.

“And there, my dear Fio, you make one of Womankind’s greatest mistakes: Falling in love with a man’s potential. We so rarely share the same view of it, and even more rarely care to achieve it. Stop pining for the man you think I could be — and take a good, long, hard look at the one I am.”
― by Karen Marie Moning, Darkfever

Lesson 031 ~30 Days Without Incident~

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One month and really what has changed, hell this is a month I never expected to see and that started so many years ago and yet somehow I have survived and you have been here for the ride. “30 Days Without Incident” …

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Lesson 031 ~30 Days Without Incident~

Hey Lady Lu,
Thirty-one days but the last three nights have been, exhausting, to say the least, and to say the most would be endless screaming but I try to be more articulate than that. Okay, at least to you because I’m still working on the people thing, more to the point I’m still working on that myself thing but really what has this month been like, you don’t want to know but we’re here…

If we start with “the incident” that sent me running back to you, I haven’t heard a thing from “Ms. Seasons” but I’m keeping my ear to the ground, along with my eyes but we’ll get to that. I wish I could figure out am I ignoring her out of disgust, anger, or indifference, the fact that I’m keeping up with her you would think speaks volumes but bless the sound of silence. My resolve seems to be as strong as ever though, but I’m getting to that, I guess it means something too that I don’t have more to say about her at all.

As long as we’re going through a list of the people I’m not speaking with, how about everyone at work, I still hold faith in my conspiracy theory but if anything the typical overnights. Yesterday and today were probably the best I felt minus the exhaustion, hasn’t everyone wondered at some point what it would be like to be all alone in a store? The only thing that would have been better is if my stupid iPhone was acting right but several ideas for playlists if I buckle down honestly.

How is it when you don’t have something you want it, even more, only human right but suddenly I was in the mood to listen to my Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 playlist and Kenny Rogers meets Wyclef. Trust me you don’t want to be left alone with the thoughts in your own head, especially if you’re me right?

I’ve still been avoiding my neighbor when it comes to their dog; I’m not a Flash type of superhero, and while I talk about writings, wit, and wisdom, I’d rather just punch someone in the face. Makes me sound abusive especially when it comes to Braxton, but, A/C, a full food and water bowl, and plenty of comfy spots seems better than a bed of rocks and outside for hours.

Lady Lu I really do want to be the hero in this situation but I have been going back and forth on being the neighbor that wants to help and the neighbor who adopts. Maybe you can blame Braxton for that but if you think I have trouble talking to people… other than Braxton it seems my anxiety transcends species. If anything it points out how much I love animals because I wouldn’t know what to do with a baby either, I don’t even know my nephew, there’s no rush.

Braxton and I *sigh*, a part of me wants to say the circle of life is complete, I hate my father and now Braxton hates me, I wonder if my father is as clueless as I am as to why the anger and animosity between us always. Really Luna the only words that have left my mouth besides “I love you” which I always have and always will have been “No”, “Shut Up” and “that’s why you’re in trouble”, it’s been so many days already. This doesn’t count as an incident but more as a new development and if anything, I’m more concerned with the people I’ll have to talk to, just to know why.

Procrastination, fear, anxiety, pick a word, any word and I’ll just roll with it, that was my first idea to chat about today, the way people are always putting words in my mouth. Now here we are and I just wish I had some idea as to what to say or do; isn’t it strange from the moment you learn to talk you’re taught to shut up and listen only.

One day soon I’m going to have to remember all the reasons that I want to be a writer, just put them all down as a lesson. That’s another thing I was doing at work, thinking of ways to expand, I’m always expanding my reach but Moses was a king of the desert too, I mean post Egypt of course.

“What is an ocean but a multitude of drops?” – Adam Ewing, Cloud Atlas (2012)

There are too many prophets here Luna, as the song goes but each drop is unique, each serves a purpose or maybe that’s my OCD talking and personally, I don’t want to know my place or stay in it. Just informing you of upcoming, incidents, accidents, and mistakes, but for right now, other than being really late with this, I’m actually in a somewhat decent place. Nobody wants to hear that though except for maybe “Indiana Gone” if anything I’ll worry about what I’ll say tomorrow, I’ll be sad tomorrow.

Just because I’ve survived this month doesn’t mean I enjoyed it and isn’t that yet another problem with life, that it’s all some big accident; makes me think about holy folks, you know. To go with another song, every day is exactly the same and if anything, that means I will survive, okay damn my iPhone and the always running playlist within my mind. Maybe you’re hoping that I will see a miracle instead of the other shoe dropping. Only that’s truth, the other shoe has to drop, whether you’re lying on your back, taking the next step, or learning.

“There’s a saying – the pessimist looks down and hits his head. The optimist looks up and loses his footing. The realist looks forward and adjusts his path accordingly.” – King Ezekiel, The Walking Dead 7×02

When it doesn’t that’s an incident, an accident, tripping, you fall and since I don’t think I’ll be flying anytime soon… the thing is I haven’t tripped or fallen, since landing flat on my face with Ms. Seasons. What I have learned today is that I want to adjust my path, which means taking my eyes off the ground, here’s to us Lady Lu and to 30 Days Without Incident.