Saga 300 ~To B Alive, Virgil~

“What is real? How do you define ‘real’?” Um, sorry, Morpheus, but what is living? How do you define living? The way I figure, wife and children (two-legged). “My business?” “Cash rules everything around me.” Fame, fortune? My son. To B Alive, Virgil

Thursday, April 27, 2023

Saga 300 ~To B Alive, Virgil~

816 Days Without B III, Day 257 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? How about this question, B? What do you want to be when you grow up?

Big! Final answer? No. January 31st, on that day, your answer would have been, “Take me home.” And you would be my son, and that’s all that mattered to you. Afterward… whatever. Instead, in your bed, you asked me a question. Drugged, dying… “Why can’t I stay?” Braxton, I should do some more reading. “Pet Grief: How to Cope Before and After?” Yeah, I never read that stuff when you were around. Of course. Always and forever. Braxton, I was reading last night. The book discussed how I should replace the video of your death with “happier” memories in “my mind.” So as I risked life and limb today, I sat in the car and thought. You’re always riding with me. The pendant I wear…

Then I thought about Virgil sitting in your spots—the passenger side of your best friend’s ride. There’s him on the bed. And there’s your room. Your pillow Braxton. Dammit. Months later, and I’m still pissed about that. But Virgil’s petrified. Am I that bad… Thursday, I’m your Dad. 300 days of the Saga I continue to be. That is all and nothing more. Well, a pervert that wanted to eff the woman I was working with. Besides the point. As I keep saying. Most days I want to join you. Hell! All days. You won’t like this, but you have something in common with your granddad. Him living, you being dead B life sucks! Virgil feels the same way about me and him, sure.

Virgil is the life I should be worried about. He did well at his appointment. But with all the money I’m about to lose this week. Let’s start with forgetting to pick up any dinner. Don’t worry, you would have got your fries, or Virgil did. The little freeloader. Stopping! Anyway, I wish being broke was the only bad news. But it’s not like reading good news is doing me favors. Braxton, it’s like fate, karma; the universe can’t decide. You got me through 2020, Braxton. Now if it isn’t, the world is going to Hell; it’s all those angels I talked about with Echo. And today I saw Tobe Nwigwe got in a movie. Again I’m proud. But Braxton, I’m wasting “my life” existence… Alive? To B Alive, Virgil

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 293 ~Braxton, Virgil, Twice Shy~

Once Bitten, Twice Shy… A phrase? On my playlist? The reminder of a pup while at the Day Job. Hell! Why was I even there? B needed food, and he ain’t here no more. The other pup has an upcoming vet visit. The long walk? No! Braxton, Virgil, Twice Shy

Thursday, April 20, 2023

Saga 293 ~Braxton, Virgil, Twice Shy~

809 Days Without B III, Day 250 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I would be if you were still here. Or I had that billion, I promised.

I’ve always wanted to kill someone. Whoa, Dude! Is that your voice I’m hearing, or am I talking to myself? I have a lot of explaining to do. You know how that goes. The time… Okay, you’ll be happy to know that I didn’t spend all of it sleeping as is my way B III. Reveling in food, reading, and effing raging at myself for today. Two out of three. Anyway, how does that equate to me wanting to kill anyone? I’m always angry, Braxton. So, I’m sharing with the freeloader… Okay, Virgil. He tried taking my fingers off… with the food. Once bitten, twice shy, aha; continuing on. If I lost a finger, I’d never feed 2V ever again. And killing? I killed you.

I’ve always wanted to uh… Let’s say join you. The police and others have been everywhere these past few days. Add to that the manager. I don’t need cops at the door. And I need to stay employed. For what it’s worth. But B, the idea of death doesn’t bother me. No, not ever. Yours did, fair enough. But my own? I’d only have to be lucky once. It crosses my mind more and more. Despite numerous attempts. Hell! You were there, Braxton, watching—something else to apologize for. I’d say I’ve always wanted to apologize—every day. B III, the last time I thought I was dying… Well, I remember the day you died, Sunday, January 31, 2021. And now Virgil Vivi’s appointment (sigh).

I’ve always wanted to save a life, Braxton. And isn’t this it? One more tough week, and now Virgil sees a doctor Friday. It scares me to death. I wish. Virgil Vivi needs his vaccination. And what about this existence? Once more, I’ve felt all sorts of ill. Or should I say a Republican? Yeah, a member of the GOP. Once again caught doing something wrong by a black person. Um, watching dog videos at the Day Job. I keep saying it. I miss you! I’ve always wanted to bring you back to me. Only I’m not reading about reincarnation. Once bitten and all that. Having killed the one I love, how could I ever? You live in me. And Virgil? Braxton, Virgil, Twice Shy

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 286 ~Virgil, You’ll B Who~

When I think about who I am and who I want to be. Can I go back before the Olds signed whatever in the hospital? Before I signed off on what would happen to B. More writing when V stepped into the world. B and I, we were just us. Virgil, You’ll B Who

Thursday, April 13, 2023

Saga 286 ~Virgil, You’ll B Who~

802 Days Without B III, Day 243 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? It’s polite to ask. Isn’t it? I want to think the best part was me.

Am I feeling good about myself? Considering at the moment, it’s Monday, April 10, 2023. I know I won’t finish our conversation today. But I’m time traveling. And I can already tell you this week is going to suck. I know you can always say that I’m still alive right? But whoever I was the day you left died with you. And how many times has it been B III? I’m still mad at myself. Yes, always about what I did. But if we’re talking about more recent events. Today is Monday. I was supposed to tell Madam Justice all about Rule 287. It says, “Some Are Born Many Times.” I’m missing books on reincarnation. I think I’ve given up in a way—only Death.

Grim effing Reaper, Necromancer, a god? Way before meeting you, B, I had such dreams. Oh, no worries, Triple B; I was lazy then as I am now. Only why am I up right now? There are so many people making their way in this world. Studying medicine, though, Braxton? I’ve told you that there was a time when I wanted to be a veterinarian. One more thing I could’ve done to keep you alive. As far-fetched as it may seem. Because working on people… I don’t know people. And you know what they make me out to be, Braxton—being your Dad. I know who I was, who I am, and I was proud. And who I am now. Who I want to be.

Well, somebody who’s not crying, for starters. Is this because I’m thinking of your cute face? Or that I’m so tired. Be lazy, be dead, be me like father like son. You’d follow me anywhere. And if anything, I’m a dead man. All these books say you’ll beat us there. Rainbow Bridge? I wish I could be the kind that believed in that Braxton. But I wanted to believe in reincarnation too. And then I looked at Virgil, and for a moment, you will be… Popular? Hell! I post Virgil’s picture every day almost… An influencer that has a dog? Not me! And Virgil’s not you. I know that. Braxton, I want to be someone, not thinking of joining you daily. Virgil, You’ll B Who

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 279 ~Virgil Says, B Lazy~

I was so lazy today. I didn’t remember how effed I felt yesterday. Or how about how sick I’ve been since when February 16? And with the Day Job, how many people do I owe money to? Well, B got out, and Virgil isn’t really helping. Virgil Says, B Lazy.

Thursday, April 6, 2023

Saga 279 ~Virgil Says, B Lazy~

795 Days Without B III, Day 236 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Am I even listening to you or anyone worthwhile? Well, to be honest, that’s you.

And I want to say I hear you, B. Hell! There was a time we could read each other’s minds. You never lost that ability, but you know how humans are. I was telling Inspector Echo last night that I’m not human. Only that would be an insult to the monster or savage I claim to be. Regardless. Today I have been lazy… And sick too. Remember those 4 AMs? I can’t say I’ve been doing much writing. And didn’t NaNoWriMo start up again, B? There was a time you would have wanted me to play with you all day. Or I would bring the laptop outside. And I would type as you run around; or bring your pillow. Nowadays, I’m listening to mine because of Virgil… I can’t say I understand him yet, B.

So I’m making it up that he’s happy. If I’m not being some asshole GOP Trumptard. Then I’m my Olds. Pretending that everything is okay and not wanting to hear a damn thing ever. Your last year on Earth, Braxton, you prepared me for this world to go to Hell. Because if I wasn’t going to get up off my ass to save it? I could at least save us. And how did that turn out? I failed you. And all I’ve been thinking about is how much I want to hear you again. Heartbeat, breath, those little grunts when I was annoying. Infamous looks? Those I remember most. You didn’t have to say anything.

Now, what am I listening to? My body? If that were the case, why not turn on the AC ha? I wish I could say it was this sickness, The Cherry Collision. Today’s better (snickers). There’s some girl you never met… Better known as M Anime, so texting all morning. There’s, of course, sex. But I never flaunted that in front of you. Endless punishment. Ironic. Isn’t it? I wanted you to get in trouble or do your own thing so I could do whatever; now, going on Day 97 (sigh). Hell! Not that you care to hear that or my record of 161 days. That’s what I call being lazy or sad. Not living but existing. Lazy and not dying? Virgil Says, B Lazy

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 272 ~To B Losers Virgil~

“This is a commune. We’re communists.” “This is a rebellion, isn’t it? I rebel” I’m a loser, so I lose. I was losing my little boy before I knew it. I lose time trying to be… A writer, a web designer? I lose my mind over boobs. V? To B Losers Virgil.

Thursday, March 30, 2023

Saga 272 ~To B Losers Virgil~

788 Days Without B III, Day 229 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? My wonderful boy, Will’s son. I’ll let the world know. My work and my woman.

So despite being in bed most of the week. And this is after the Day Job. Hell! Braxton, you would have demanded we cuddle. Well, not that Wednesday before you passed. Frightening to be in love with a dead man. Okay, so we have the movie Troy and now The Matrix. Not that I have been relaxing at all this week. Last night was… effed’ up. Braxton, I was reminded of how you were crying, and I went all Reservoir Dogs. “Say it: you’re gonna be okay! Say the goddamn words: you’re gonna be okay!” The next day B. It found you right where Virgil is now—lying beside me with no plans whatsoever. Braxton, we were/are losers. Only you didn’t mind. You didn’t know what I would do Sunday.

I cared more about my work than my goddamn son! And for once, I’m not talking about the Day Job. Last night I was working right where I am now. Then this whole place fell. I spent half the night trying to fix it. And then I called for help. Can you shut up, B? Remember, that’s what I said to you, thinking you were annoying. What came next? That’s what I ask myself every time I punch these keys or pick up the pen. What about my damn penis? When I’m afraid, I either want to pee my pants or pull them off altogether. I’m either a pathetic little boy or a pervert. Or I’m in pain because, worse thing, my boy is dead.

I lost you, Triple B. I need to back up my work. Publish your books. And be prepared for whatever this night is going to bring. So far, only the continued feeling of loss, Braxton. Didn’t I say yesterday that I was taught losing is okay? I wonder what it’s like to win for once. I’ve said it many times, I won the day you had a choice, and you jumped in the car with me. I was still a loser. But love is the prize. Not that I agree with that song at all. Braxton, I won that Sunday; you were dying, and you looked… “Daddy, let’s go home.” You didn’t lose your fight. I taught you to win. Virgil? To B Losers Virgil

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 265 ~Heal B, Heel V~

When I got put off my Olds health plan. Many, many years ago. My Ma said I didn’t get sick or hurt often. I’ve been good for eye exams here. Shots for Covid there. A bacterial infection. I had my boy and a few good chicks. But now Heal B, Heel V

Thursday, March 23, 2023

Saga 265 ~Heal B, Heel V~

781 Days Without B III, Day 222 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I’ve had a surprising one here or there. At least, sometimes. I’m healing. I think.

That doesn’t sound like much. I know. Considering I couldn’t save you. Your life’s work. It was keeping me safe, B III. I’m still breathing. So how dare I mock it, right? Hell! I still call V the freeloader. Ha! I can hear your voice… “I Think I Can. I Think I Can…” um, telling me, not cool, bro. Hmm. It isn’t, I know. But I did try and block off that gap in the fence. That’s for his protection. But when it rains, it pours Little B. Little V needs so many things right now. Well, you did too? And when did I start to care? Too late! Again I know. If I’m so bright, I should have been a doc. I did want to be a vet once.

A reason to get up in the morning. But these days, it has nothing to do with the new day. I’m usually sick. That’s TMI. At least I’m sleeping at all, right? I can say that. It always comes back to you, Braxton. I should live as though I’m watching you all night long B. When’s the last time I got a good night’s sleep? I love being asleep, B III. Allow me to be like that little girl in Blue Gender. Something to the tune of… I wish I could go to sleep for a long time. Because when you’re asleep, the monsters can’t get you. To sleep forever. That’s what I thought about at the Day Job today. Being antsy, Angry, Anxiety Braxton.

Both heads are a mess these days, my friend. Yet I want you, B, to rest in peace. Good Luck. Only you’re no doctor. A hero, not a heel, but a healer. If only I could tell you about today. Yes, we’re talking early because by the time you see this… Thursday will be horrible; Wednesday, March 22, 2023… other than begging to get off early when I need money. There’s a body to fix, a fence, and the freeloader. The word keeps popping up. I’m sorry, Braxton. Anyway, Virgil’s been summoned for a vet appointment. It still gives me chills, or is that The Sickness? I mean, mine, Virgil, is okay. Only shots, I think. Fixing; um, saving me. Running. Heal B, Heel V

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 258 ~Virgil’s A Pain, B~

Pain’s a big subject that I could never do justice to. Well, except once… Hell! A week. But I knew Wednesday. I thought nothing about it Thursday. Friday, we saw a vet. And Sunday, my son died. That’s pain. Not this and not now. “Virgil’s A Pain, B.”

Thursday, March 16, 2023

Saga 258 ~Virgil’s A Pain, B~

774 Days Without B III, Day 215 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? How can I while being such a meanie? It’s more like because of the pain.

You’re dead, Braxton. Anytime I feel like it’s too much. When I finally decide I don’t deserve this, I become all Tammy Rose meets Yuri Orlov, with some Robert Neville. “My son is dead,” “My brother’s dead,” “Everybody! Every single person that you or I has ever known is dead! Dead! There is no god!” My suffering, betrayal, and treachery. B, this is it. And sadly, it keeps up existence. My Republican Tendencies, B III. Who needs hope, hmm? Not when there’s sadness and rage. And my personal favorite, FEAR. A lot more without you. That’s your daddy, alright. Always being the selfish prick I am. Oh, and speaking of… There’s The Cherry Collision from Thursday, February 16, 2023. A month since my idiocy brought…

“Pain, Pain…” I know there’s some song that goes like that. But finding it? Well, Triple B, if there’s one thing I’m an expert at finding, it’s Triple X. Looking up a word like sadism. “The tendency to derive pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others.” All but two seconds, B. Timing my bathroom visits? Yes, I know, TMI, dude. But you were the Todd to my Jacob. I started reading that series Succubus Lord when you were alive. Now I listen to it every day. Audible sees a problem. But anyway, I never got anything from hurting you. And killing you. Ellie and Joel… Braxton, you know I could go all in on that. Mental, Physical, Emotional, poor me…

But I haven’t learned, have I? Virgil is upstairs by his lonesome. It’s not fair for me to say he’s a pain in the ass after he has learned so much. Ending suffering, misery, and training. That’s for both of us. Only he ain’t you, and that’s “What Hurts The Most.” I sense another playlist, Braxton. You know I’m still pissed about Crazy Town’s Butterfly selection? Humiliation Braxton, and I was the only one who heard it. Effing mental anguish, Braxton. Only again, that’s nothing compared to the physical right now. Too late to see doctors. Then there’s how others feel. I’m ignoring your aunt, what I did to Cherry, again there’s Virgil. But you and I? And yet I’ll say Virgil’s A Pain, B.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 251 ~Smile Virgil, Fangs B~

Dumb Ways to Die. Let Virgil take a few fingers eating fries… (B III knows better). Get a smile stuck on my face at the Day Job, then smash my head Humiliations Galore, etc. But whenever I wake up, surprise then disappointment. Smile Virgil, Fangs B

Thursday, March 9, 2023

Saga 251 ~Smile Virgil, Fangs B~

767 Days Without B III, Day 208 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? What time is it? FUCK! It is only a half-day, and I’ve already wasted $40.00

Well, if it made you happy. I should have bought you fries that Wednesday. It would have been the last day you could enjoy them. Am I right? But you know how I was. One more hard week down and Humiliations galore. And I had to do it while smiling. Braxton, I woke up this afternoon, and it was like something out of King of the Hill. You know when Hank shook Bush’s hand. Surprise, then disappointment. That’s being alive. Existence. I shouldn’t look down on it, should I? I want to say you’d be happier lying by my side than the freeloader. One day I won’t call V that. Um, cut to my disappointment. That’s how I was this afternoon waking up after lunch.

V biting me doesn’t scare me at all. With all the med stuff I still have going on. My bad. What do I know about doctors and things? It’s not like they told me I’ll die. A shock B III. No! It was such fear when they told me that you were dying. The face I must have made way back then. Did I say that? It’s only been two years. And what do I have to show for it? It is much too early to start thinking about E-Day. Emergence, Existence, Extinction B III. Or is that the only day I eat well? If it wasn’t for the rain today. Was I afraid, Braxton? That’s the worse look on my face. I look STUPID.

Only it could be worse… Well no. When it comes to my face, shall I perform Heaven’s Light for you? “No face as hideous as my face. Was ever meant for Heaven’s light.” B III. You had such a cute face. To this day, Braxton, you are the most beautiful thing that I have ever seen. Okay, the most handsome. The last time I was all mushy with you… (sigh). Yeah, it was in the vet’s office when we had to say goodbye. How many times have I cried writing this? At least I ain’t moaning in another sort of way. Clothes on, Virgil sleeping. Sharing fries with him, he nearly took some fingers. To bleed to death… and join you. Smile Virgil, Fangs B.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 104 ~ Virgil’s Resting B Face~

I wish we could go back to wearing masks. I mean, nothing’s stopping me. Well, three shots, four if you count the doc taking my blood. But that first year, B always recognized me mask and all. And in 2022, Virgil looks at me? Virgil’s Resting B Face.

Thursday, October 13, 2022

Saga 104 ~ Virgil’s Resting B Face~

620 Days Without B III, Day 061 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? As always, your guess is as good as mine when it comes to this day.

Once again, Braxton, I’m time-traveling. But I will never forget the face you made when I’d come back. I’m trying hard not to cry today or give myself any reason to close my eyes. Blinking? I still do that plenty when I think I see you. Hell! It was only this morning when I called for you to take your medicine. We’ll get to me taking mine or the lack of meds in a minute. Only today is Saturday, October 8, 2022. But if there is one thing I know for sure, when it comes to 620 days, “I’ll Be Seeing You.” That sounds ominous. I mean, B, I’ll always see you everywhere I go, forever and always. Most of all, I’m protecting your spots.

Oh, what about your pillow? I wish I could have seen my face then. Now that’s strange coming from me, who avoids mirrors. To take a good look right now, B, all then and now. I’ve been worried about if the medicine is changing me. I’m sure I had a smidge of hope before. Today, I’m fearful. Three pills left. I only got a week’s supply to beat this infection. Do you remember how I became? Whenever you were running out of meds? The first time I almost killed you. Of course, that vet we hated was the one that saved your life. Maybe Braxton… Yeah, I got the thought that he could have saved you 620 days ago. Tears…

Not many days go without me crying over you. It’s not like Virgil is watching. And to further jinx myself. V hasn’t been hacking up all over the place. I wonder, has anything changed for him, for you? Today is one of those that I don’t believe but come Thursday? All I know is I looked into his eyes today, and you know what I saw. There was only black. I didn’t see myself or his happiness. To this day, I remember the last look in your eyes, Braxton. Why? Virgil’s face has those two tan furry patches beside his eyes. The color of you. Are you trying to tell me something, Braxton? I might be better served looking in the mirror. He Lives In You. Virgil’s Resting B Face

Always and Forever,
Your Dad