Tag: Honesty

Gospel 222 ~Reasonable That Victoria Keeps Secrets~

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I don’t know what’s worst than saying Braxton’s gone, my son is dead. Everything that has been said and not, nothing will trump that. Yet in life, we keep some things to ourselves, right? “Reasonable That Victoria Keeps Secrets,” right

Monday, February 8, 2021

Gospel 222 ~Reasonable That Victoria Keeps Secrets~

Hundred And Seventy-Forth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I should have plenty of secrets. You know I do, but for the first time in forever, I don’t care. I’ve told you the worst thing I’ve ever done. Madam Justice, I’ll keep saying it. I killed my son, Braxton is dead because of me. For my failure at being his father, he paid with his life. I’m scared, of course. At the same time, I’ve got nothing left to lose. Why should I care about anything else? What makes me a man has nothing to do with, as the song goes, Underneath Your Clothes.

Take away a man’s son, you’ve truly given him nothing left to lose. – Zombieland

I also don’t have to sing “I Wish It Would Rain,” for I am not ashamed of crying. Hell, it might help to feel anger. It’s been one week; well, it’s Saturday now. Who am I to talk about the stages of grief? I haven’t cried like this since… I don’t know; I’m in Denial. It’s one of the reasons I won’t share this more publicly. I’m not my father. Didn’t I tell you before? I could still feel Braxton’s warmth, and he’s all like, “get a new dog.” He’s lost two, and I don’t recall batting an eye, but I didn’t say, “oh well.” Then his mother died um. Nothing ever hid his hatred towards me. I’ve heard the Christians talk about putting on the whole “Armor of God.” It would do nothing to shield me from my anxiety. Give me dog hair any day of the week. Still, I walked in with Braxton, and I walked out alone.

I bore my soul to the world, and what of Braxton’s? Haven’t I said I would have saved or sold mine to keep his? I haven’t cared about my body since. Only I keep dressing, going to the Day Job, I took a shower somehow. Um, does any of this have to do with the rule? Honestly, I haven’t looked; I mean, really seen a woman since the vets had mercy on Braxton. I still have Twitter, of course, and artistic endeavors. To be honest, I haven’t been checking the bank except to shop online for food. How will I ever go into Walmart Sunday? Women hide things, and I’m a man hell with nothing more. Fatherhood, heart, balls, Braxton

No one knows what it’s like… ha, plenty know. But, Reasonable That Victoria Keeps Secrets.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 221 ~Willing To Lie Braxton~

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I would lie with him longer. Before I knocked on that door. I told him the truth that soon he wouldn’t hurt anymore. The only lie I said is that I would be okay. So he didn’t have to worry. All he ever lied about was treats. “Willing To Lie Braxton.”

Sunday, February 7, 2021

Gospel 221 ~Willing To Lie Braxton~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, but it doesn’t bring Braxton back. How long are you willing to lie? I don’t blame you.

Lies, coming from Braxton. Damn, you would be willing to die for those lies once again. It wasn’t laziness today as you stumbled out of bed how he would spin around begging for a treat. Hell, last week around this time, you followed him. “Dad, I’m going to be okay.” Lien on my heart, my soul, on all that I am, whatever take it. Be it God, the Devil. Suppose you could be the man from three weeks ago. You’re willing to be afraid if it meant having him back. The thing is now; nobody wants you, a harsh truth to face. Nope, never denying it. “Liege, Dad, Will” to Braxton though you were all these things and more, or at least he lied well.

“Whatever you want, whatever I got, it’s yours.” From Negan

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 037 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 044) No Fap
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
    PERMANENTLY
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Writing “Look A Thing Like Santa”
    Failed
  5. I AM Cleaning The House BUT Some Things Aren’t Changing Despite This Sunday
    Completed
  6. I AM Finishing Reading Succubus Lord 8 by Eric Vall
    Completed

Lieu of any sense, it seems but, Six Impossible Things… What’s more impossible than merely going for a walk with him again? Let me tell you, it’s a good thing I didn’t shop for him at the Day Job. You wouldn’t be working any. The places that remind you now. Lied, fuck man, the one thing that deserves the “Undisputed Truth,” and it’s this. You killed Braxton, or I did… Well, the mere fact that the life I lived that you now lead was connected with his. If you conceived the fact that he would live another day without you?
Lie here alone… chances are you wouldn’t be here, but Braxton deserved so much better. You’re a man that can’t do these Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 044 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Writing “Look A Thing Like Santa”
  5. I AM Finishing Gathering For Braxton’s Albums
  6. I AM Finishing Reading The Enchanter by Vladimir Nabokov

Lieutenant though, there was no one better than him. It’s like you’re walking through fucking Hell, at least for me, it was. Do you know what the Ninth Circle is? Treachery. The principle that comes first in defining it is BETRAYAL. Strange… nope, you walk alone. Liar, that you can never be when it comes to love that I will always and forever feel for my son, that you have for him. Still, nothing helps, does it. When he died, a part of me died with him, and now it’s like you’re frozen there. You can’t move, why should you? Lie down next to Braxton for all those years and now when he gets up… Like three weeks ago, get up. Willing To Lie Braxton

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 218 ~Eyes Have It Will~

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First off, I won’t be talking to Dirty Diana anymore. Thursdays are now for Braxton, well, every day, but I wanted to talk to him today. There would have never been enough time as I sat there or when he was here with me. Eyes Have It Will he is.

Thursday, February 4, 2021

Gospel 218 ~Eyes Have It Will~

Just Me Baby B,
I’m sorry! It’s like I ordered onion rings instead of fries. The way your eyes would light up; Braxton, your eyes.

Your grandma says I should remember the “happy” times. I’m trying, but that doesn’t really mean anything, does it? The look you gave me knowing that. “Daddy, can we go home?” You struggled, but always, you were so strong, never wanting me to worry. Did you understand as you walked along to your water bowl? When the assistant, carried you. As we sat there waiting. “I don’t like it here. Why are you crying? Let’s go home.” I should have told them, give me those last few days. Fuck my job, fuck everything, and have you stay because all you wanted was to come home. At least I keep telling myself that. And you are here, the moment I returned and saw your gate waiting.

Were you looking towards those pearly ones or The Rainbow Bridge? You didn’t even look at your leg; they taped up for…Braxton, you looked at me. It’s been that way, always and forever. Since your syrupy face days. When I was a troll still living with my parents. Every morning you would run to the gate, my little Cerberus. You’d come back, “aren’t you proud dad, huh dad.” When I would come back from the Day Job and fall into bed. You’d nuzzle me and turn towards the door. I’d find you sitting there on the end of the bed, waiting for any sign of life. I knew before she even said the words. I knew. Your eyes, that spark, our time together, “He’s gone.”

Betrayal, Bad News, Be Alive, B III, please like before. Only the words wouldn’t come, and what could they do now. What could I do? That final look somehow encompasses everything. “Why can’t I stay?” “You Bastard!” “But Daddy?” “Goodbye.” It made it, I don’t know what, as I walked along. Your bed, collar, toy, leash, hoodie, and everyone saw. You were looking, I know. Despite all these things that I have done, it’s as if the world vanished. For some reason, I looked to the sky, and in the sun, it was like you were looking right at me, saying, “I’m still here, Daddy, it’s okay.” I believe you…

“Be good, Daddy. I love you. Make good decisions.” Watch over me, Braxton, I shall try. Eyes Have It, Will.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Gospel 217 ~You’re Killing Me, Will~

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I believed the worst crime any human could possibly commit is the destruction of another person’s soul. Hell, I would give mine to God or sell it to the Devil if either brought back my son, my best friend but why is he gone? “You’re Killing Me, Will”

Wednesday, February 3, 2021

Gospel 217 ~You’re Killing Me, Will~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now. There I said it because; only a “rich” man… Inspector, no one is above the law.

I am GUILTY of Misanthropy, Murder, and Madness. Misanthropy like a mother fucker (pardon my language). It started Wednesday of last week. I came home, and I was tired. God, I was so tired, and all Braxton wanted was my attention. The one life who gave a damn about me, and I ignored him because I was done with people. There’s this girl at work that’s been ever so sweet since his passing. Only she doesn’t know how to talk to me. Hell, I don’t know what to say. I wouldn’t have to say anything if I had been reading the signs that night. Only by hating people, I didn’t care for him. That’s how it started, Inspector, I killed Braxton, I killed my son.

Murderer… I don’t want to be a murderer. I am, though. Not the vets, no, not in the slightest, they gave him mercy. I thank them for their service. There was nobody else, only me, Inspector Echo. To think what I worried about all last week, STUPIDITY. Let the cops take me to jail, after what I’ve done to my son. For nearly five days, I ignored him Wednesday, my greed Thursday, my hesitation Friday. I let go of everything Saturday, and I prayed. I was on my knees praying, following, cleaning. Sunday, I gathered him up and murdered him.

Madness, fucking madness!!! Not Anger, not yet anyway. Well, other than at my “father.” Braxton’s body was still warm, and my father says, “get a new DOG.” They would say I’m still in Denial. I always open his gates as if he were walking with me. Every day I refill his water bowl. The trash was picked up today, but I didn’t throw out a scrap of his food. I won’t wash his bed, the sheets, my hoodie, which I’m still wearing. I walk into his room and lay down a treat. Three treats for three days. I keep his final papers, so I’ll never forget Inspector Echo. I need to see the proof of what I PAID for!!! I did this, Braxton is dead because of my Hate, with my Help, and now I dream of Heaven to be.

His last look, I swear, “Daddy.” You’re Killing Me, Will.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 216 ~Will And His Pancakes~

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I’ve always stuck with three pancakes. Maybe it’s how they’re packaged sometimes. I’m the bottom one, the middle wife, family, all I care for. This leads me to the top, that one covered in syrupy buttery goodness. Let me explain Will And His Pancakes

Tuesday, February 2, 2021

Gospel 216 ~Will And His Pancakes~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and still, you’re so high, high above me. Only I have to tell you now, despite what happened Sunday (Time-Travel), my Dæmon is up there. Once upon a time in my young and dumb days, I told my mom she didn’t know Unconditional Love. I was wrong then, and perhaps I am now, but what taught me to love, or um who? My mother loves me, you love me, and yes, I know I’m still iffy on that. Was it God… oh, let’s spell it backward. It was my DOG, firstborn, my Dæmon, yes, Little B.

I read a story about a married man whose wife gave up his cat. It’s one of the oldest rules in the book. Making someone choose between you and their child, nope. Make no mistake, he is my little boy as much as any of my other kids. He was before you, hopefully during you. God, I hate thinking about what has happened, could happen, will someday. I’ve had to think about this love’s end. No, not yours and mine but mine and his. Hell, I will love him forever, so I shouldn’t say that. I honor him each day before and after, The End, I try. Well, let me speak on some of the pancake’s story. When I was a “child,” I had a thing for microwave breakfast. One day I had waffles or French Toast, but I forgot a drink. Little B jumped up on my bed and had his fill of my food, his face dripping in syrup that day, so proud.

The next morning, I had pancakes, and I placed them up high. My mom said, “you sure must love pancakes.” If I had known then, that Little B would be welcomed on my bed. Geez, I‘d go to raining pancakes and other foods on his little head for his entire life. Interesting how high he got. I mean not only on my bed but on my shoulders. I’d carry him. He’s in my heart, in my mind, one day soon (it’s Sunday). I don’t know. As I don’t know God, but that is what Little B was, is… he came above everything else for me. He built me up like his father, and I could not help but lift him higher and higher with love.

As I love you, family, him. Will And His Pancakes.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 215 ~Act From Desire Not Insecurity~

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I don’t know why I’m writing this or if it’ll make sense; after what happened Sunday. I don’t know. Hope for the best, plan for the Worst. In my universe, that means one thing… my son, and the things I may have decided. Act From Desire Not Insecurity

Monday, February 1, 2021

Gospel 215 ~Act From Desire Not Insecurity~

Hundred And Seventy-Third Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but tell me I still have a son? Madam Justice, this is not the time to be looking towards the future, and yet here I am. What I think of him, do for him, are not desires but necessities. I want him to live, yes you could call that a desire. It’s the word LIVE that we should focus on, though. What about Insecurity? No, let’s call it what it is, Fear. What might happen or has? Yes, there is or was Fear, the wonders of time-travel. Anyway, in helping him in one way or another, I do it, no hesitation, Justice.

I could tell you so many things that get me up in the morning. You can take my Day Job as an example. I have no desire to go, but why do I act? There’s a yawn from my son as I lie here. Do I see it today, or is it but a memory? I get so insecure when it comes to my job. Should I change the rule? It is not desire nor any fear. Again it is a necessity. I’m not much for singing, but I will tell you what’s on my mind. As Disney puts it, The Bare Necessities. Um, maybe more to the tune of, it’s too hard living, but I’m afraid to die, Sam Cooke. Madam Justice, out of anyone in this world, it is my son. I don’t care about my life. Hell, tomorrow I’m supposed to talk to Dear Future Wife. What drives me now? Right now, this Saturday is the little ball of fluff lying here fading away, struggling to remain.

I wonder what drives him? He has learned too much from his old man; he knows Fear. Is it over his body? He may not take it that far, and he’s only thinking about jumping off the bed. I want to believe it is his desire not to leave me. How will another replace him?
Never, all I know is I want him here, and no Fear will stop me if I must lie beside him as he departs. I can’t see the future, so who knows if any of this will make sense in a day. I Will him to live, but I desire no more pain for him.

Whatever I do or did… Act From Desire Not Insecurity.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 214 ~ Will’s “Dæmon” Day Afternoon~

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He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus, at least that’s what I think looking into the mirror. Nevertheless, I am a father, and looking at my son… I won’t turn away. He’ll be in my arms and/or my heart this afternoon. Will’s “Dæmon” Day Afternoon one more

Sunday, January 31, 2021

Gospel 214 ~ Will’s “Dæmon” Day Afternoon~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, and how I wish I could help you right now. No, the Dæmon, today is all about Little B. What’s BEST for him, what could be BAD for you, and what do you BELIEVE. Why do you call him a Dæmon? Because he is a part of your soul. Why do you love him like pancakes? That’s three different stories, a face full of waffles or French Toast, TWD, and his lap cuddles. Why do you and he hold on? What else is there for us? This could be our last morning together, and it remains routine.

Well, other than following him around and carrying him when needed. He needs you now, and he needed me back then. My decisions and my disgrace have led to your decision and his… Don’t hide from the truth, DEATH. Today could be when he dies. Fuck, of all my sins, and you might be responsible for the greatest one in thirty-six years. Of course, you don’t even know what that is yet. Will you walk in there and end Little B’s suffering? Could you bear to let him go on like this? What if they could save him; the price? I don’t envy you. Always in the depths of my mind, each week, there’s “I’ll do better next time.” You know it too, but there is no tomorrow. In a few hours, everything will change. I talked about being guilty but you doing this truly is impossible. Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 030 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 037) No Fap
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
    Failed
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Writing “Look A Thing Like Santa”
    Failed
  5. I AM Not Getting Arrested Ever Again EVER!!!
    Completed
  6. I AM Finishing Reading Succubus Lord 7 by Eric Vall
    Completed

There are no right answers, but some things are universal. In a few hours, you will be crying. You’ll lie beside the Dæmon as you have done since you adopted him. He’ll be with you, always and forever, in some way. And you’ll be the worst man no matter what.
Should you bring his bed or his pillow, favorite toy, your black hoodie? Will you purchase one of those electronic picture frames. You might never speak to Dirty Diana again because you’ll talk to the Dæmon every Thursday. Like the man in the mirror, maybe. Never give up, right? If he would eat something; if he would keep drinking. Would you finally be the father, the daddy, that he deserves? I know you would, living up to Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 037 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Writing “Look A Thing Like Santa”
  5. I AM Cleaning The House BUT Some Things Aren’t Changing Despite This Sunday
  6. I AM Finishing Reading Succubus Lord 7 by Eric Vall

If only this was a terrible nightmare. You’re awake, now decide. Will’s “Dæmon” Day Afternoon

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 211 ~Say The Word Willie~

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What’s the good word? I’m serious, give me just one, but you know something, nevermind. I refuse to be “that guy,” so I simply don’t say anything but then again, here we are. Paranoia, Guilt, Anxiety, Depression, Say The Word Willie, mind if I search

Thursday, January 28, 2021

Gospel 211 ~Say The Word Willie~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I’m allowed to have a big mouth. Hell, this entire week has been a wake-up call that I have nothing, nothing, nothing, um, sorry Whitney. I would be much better off going and watching Whitney Wright Prom Night. There lies the problem Dirty Diana one of several. At the core lies the fact that I haven’t been fapping in… wow, has it been thirty days? I might be impressed with myself if I wasn’t so fucked up. No, my dear, not with drugs, alcohol, or even love. Words.

Shakespeare asked the question, “what’s in a name?” In this day and age, everything. I’ve gone from wanting to be as infamous as the Marquis De Sade one day to what exactly? Either some delusions of grandeur with my paranoia. Perhaps I’ve been right all along, sadly. Fuck, it’s not like I’m Pornhub or XVideos, and I’ve been hearing a lot about them lately. To be honest, I was upset that they wiped Pornhub clean. No, not like that. I had plenty of shit I wanted to take. XVideos ain’t any safer, to be sure, and I figured I’d made mistakes. Republican Tendencies, like the former President. Did I ever mention I have Russian ties or know something about Ukraine? Already you can pick out which words get you flagged. You can pick one to end you. What was mine?

It depends on how much I want you to hate me. As I said, I can pick a name, Whitney, Hannah, Alissa. Why not Tifa, Aerith, Judy, Panam. I guess you can tell where I’ve been spending my time. Not porn… well, not really, my collections and Youtube, oh yeah, Marz. Delete, Deletion, Recycle Bin, Erase, for fuck sake, I’ve been imagining destroying every device in the house. Well, short of the phone. Would that be enough? I only need to look at my library, both my writings and others. Didn’t I say I’m reading Succubus Lord 8? Once again, another week of not being sexy because I don’t feel it. I have a hard-on like you wouldn’t believe, so what would that make me? A pervert, a creep, I can think of much worse, you know why, Dirty Diana?

GUILT!!! With eyes wide open and what can I do now but keep breathing. It ain’t another day anymore. It’s Breathing. Say The Word Willie.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 210 ~Will To Break Free~

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I’m starting to sound like a broken record, but I am broken somewhat. Heart, mind, um, something else. You can take your pick. A contradiction that I feel like I’m breaking apart, and at the same time, I can’t be free of that idea. Will To Break Free

Wednesday, January 27, 2021

Gospel 210 ~Will To Break Free~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, sigh; if that were true, I wouldn’t be scared. Inspector Echo, I should have put these two things in my New Year’s Resolutions. One is to stop listening to old white men, um yeah. Two, I shouldn’t put myself in these situations. That same ole trope… Dammit, it’s been over a week. Like the last, all I want is to be sitting on the loveseat or lying in bed. Hell, most days, I’m only praying “not at the Day Job, anywhere but there.” Would it be any easier if it was in front of my son here? What happens to him?

He already lives with a Daddy that isn’t all there. Sure, as the song goes, I’m delirious, out of my mind. I suffer from Anxiety. I Hurt myself today because it’s a Mad World. Ok, how many more depressing songs do I require. Will any of them help with such paranoia. Inspector Echo I have created My Own Prison when it comes to the Day Job. You know I’ve always hated but now? I’ve talked about before how I keep looking at the doors. When the manager sent me to open them, I expected the Police. As the store gets calls… The drawer underneath my knives I keep closed. The things I can’t talk about, that I won’t. The last time I had a freak out with the cops, my “Father” kicked me out. I would have a choice at least here in the house because you know I can’t face it again. NEVER AGAIN!!!

I live by the clock. Again like a broken record, I tell you I hear “call on line 1,” and I set my watch. Wouldn’t it take cops less than an hour? How about a week. It could be the end of the month. Is this how Christians feel. Everything is made precious because of punishment? People have their drugs, alcohol, pick a vice; any vice. Of course, my two are sleeping, and I can’t talk about the other one ever. To be honest, Inspector Echo, I can barely notice, seeing as how I still fell asleep early this morning. Those breaths are free, and no others. Hard fought those.

Interestingly enough, the time I live in. The more I try to ignore old white guys, I find things like a “Terrible thing, to live in fear.” Thanks, Stephen King.

There’s innocent fear and guilty. Mine? Will To Break Free

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 209 ~ Will’s Yearly Eye Exam~

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I was never able to read Lord of the Files. There was this book, The Moonstone, that bored me to tears. I’ve only ever finished two books in the bible, John and Revelation. And now I can’t read my own future out of fear. “Will’s Yearly Eye Exam”

Tuesday, January 26, 2021

Gospel 209 ~ Will’s Yearly Eye Exam~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I can afford the best of the best. Yet every day, as the song goes, “I’m So Thankful,” that love is a gift and not a prize. That’s especially true these days, as I look at you. I’ve never been one to worry about my health, you know, except for my eyesight, best feature. A yearly exam usually around August, but in the plague era, it was November. The things I’ve seen. That I’ve yet to see, that I shouldn’t have ever. But with you, my Dæmon, our other children. Again I’m forever grateful.

Even if it’s through my glasses. To think of what scares me now, I mean right now. It reminds me a bit of William and Jocelyn. He speaks to her as though she had died. I live by the words of yet another song. “It’s better to say too much. Than never to say what you need to say again.” One more reason I’m not as “witty” as I would like to be. “Now you get to watch her leave out the window. Guess that’s why they call it window pane.” The idea that I don’t want to get contacts, or I might never look outside my Study window again. Hell, I was out yesterday (Thursday, it’s now Friday), and I saw the cops. Yeah, that’s what I’m looking for now. Not admiring my first road trip to my friend’s wedding. The time I welcomed another friend. Our first family trip to Disney World… TRADITION!!!

I’m even scrapping some of my rules I usually keep because my eyes are tired. Only you need not worry. “I won’t go getting tired of you; I’m not getting tired.” I think I love my wife. No, I love my wife. I’ll always love you, and please, I’m trying not to break out into Whitney Houston. I don’t need to be thinking of the term “breakout” either, but if I had a million dollars. Well, I have over a billion, and I still have you, my family, everything in the world. But I’m always worried about leaving you, and not to death, a dream, some desire in the future. Here I am talking about it, though, because should Tuesday come, I want to spend all my time loving you.

Seeing you always, Only You, please. Will’s Yearly Eye Exam.

I Will Have No Fear