Tag: Memory

Saga 255 ~Desperation Can Make Anyone Dangerous~

WillLeave a comment

Desperate times, desperate measures? I’m desperate. If I had my way, I’d be with my boy. But I’m desperate enough to keep existing. Working a Day Job, which I hate. Watching dirty things, dealing with my Olds. “Desperation Can Make Anyone Dangerous.”

Monday, March 13, 2023

Saga 255 ~Desperation Can Make Anyone Dangerous~

Two-Hundred and Eighty-Third Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now. That means I will never be desperate again. (Snorts Loudly). Have you seen most billionaires these days?

Hell! It’s like me trying to save my B III’s life again. Yes, I’m crying again. And I’m sure a tear or two is about him now… Time Travel, Madam. Those meds for his appetite… Desperate, like when Cherry was pulling off her famous red lingerie. What I would give to see her put whip cream on her nips. The way she took the treat in her mouth. Oh, fuck! I was desperate. It’s like that time I went to summer school. All I wanted was a D-average so my father wouldn’t beat my ass. He said it wasn’t even the money but the time. Fucking time. Again it’s Saturday, March 11, 2023, and what was I doing before two? Wasting time fucking… well, masturbating.

Other than prayers for B, crying for him. The way this heart shattered that day… Do you remember how I said I’d burn the world down if I blamed anybody? Other than myself? A monster, a murderer, I’m just a “man.” And is there worse? Um, The Last of Us… Madam. I mean that the show teaches that it’s not the Infected that are the monsters but mankind itself. I should know, right? Once again, what I want more than B III alive beside me… A woman, women? I want to be Dennis Hof or Hugh Hefner. Dark things. Like revenge, Madam? And I’m not trying to sound like some Incel freak. You know who I would punish. Um, me, the man in the mirror.

And yet I am desperate enough to try and save my existence. It’s why I still have the Day Job, isn’t it? I ignored Braxton because I thought he needed the money more than me. Madam. Every day I bawl up my fists and smash them into bathroom walls. Lockers? Hoping nobody in the breakroom can hear me. Such is my rage. At everything, everyone. I’ve given up trying to be a hero because hoping for something. Debated myself before. Sadness, Fear, Hatred vs. Hope. Rules four and five. I can’t die until Braxton’s book… This is why I’m desperate enough to ignore everything. A little bit for this conversation. Good Luck! Because I am always desperate enough to sin. Desperation Can Make Anyone Dangerous.

771 Days Without B III, Day 212 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 252 ~Burning B’s Books, Virgil’s…~

WillLeave a comment

If I end up burning in Hell… more than likely, “All These Things That I’ve Done.” I wouldn’t destroy one word of my son’s story. Then again, women, family, the Day Job, and other assorted crimes. Not killing B III. “Burning B’s Books, Virgil’s…”

Friday, March 10, 2023

Saga 252 ~Burning B’s Books, Virgil’s…~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now. So I wanted to start today off with another lie? I don’t have time. There’s Virgil…

Please! That is the only reason I’m sitting here on the loveseat instead of in a “comfy” bed. It’s because of V. I couldn’t stand him lying on my leg. For some reason, it was annoying ok. Do I feel like being a meanie today? One more morning, I didn’t wake up in Hell. Or did I? What is this place? I’m so damn tired, and that was after an energy drink. I did pass out for five minutes before I took it, though. And if it wasn’t because of reading bottles… Sophia, I’m still reading How to Be an Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi. I swear! One more thing making me want to burn this Mother Effer to the ground. This is America. Right?

I haven’t been brushing up on any song lyrics. But I’m still pissed. I said sometime last week that the first song I played on Spotify this year was Butterfly. Me and my wayward dick. In case you’re ever wondering where I am when I should be talking, Lady Sophia. To you, to Braxton, to the other girls. The Man in the Mirror. Ain’t like he ever listens to me. Again that’s with being pumped full of energy drinks. I was up at 4:00. Billionaire? Burning daylight looking up Lucy Tyler, Kiara Gold, and Amilia Onyx, to name a few. Sophia, I could burn every Playboy and Penthouse in the world… can’t stop the signal. And so I’m here. 10:00 in the morning. Time wasted!

But that doesn’t mean we should go around burning books. What about B III’s novels? Did you think I was going to forget about him today? What about Braxton’s auntie? Sophia, does she mourn her fur baby as I mourn mine every day? All the tears in the world couldn’t douse the fire I have for writing. Oh no, that would be The Cherry Collision. Yes, it looks like I will continue to suffer from that. Yep, with all these money issues. Something else I was doing this morning. I looked at all the cash burning. Such is failure. It might also explain why I won’t publish Braxton’s works. Burning. Someday I might end up burning them. Black writer, Republican tendencies… B’s Burning Books, Virgil’s

768 Days Without B III, Day 209 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 248 ~Living Reasons Are Dying Reasons~

WillLeave a comment

I’m not fit to live, and yet I survive. Virgil is not Braxton, but so that B can live always… I could publish a damn book. And pornographic passions are always evolving. And at the Day Job. Who’s pissing me off now? “Living Reasons Are Dying Reasons”

Monday, March 6, 2023

Saga 248 ~Living Reasons Are Dying Reasons~

Two-Hundred and Eighty-Second Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now, but unlike the assholes in the GOP, I have studied “my” history, black history like MLK Jr.

Rover… Oh no, I’m not comparing any person or persons to beasts. Republican dickheads. No, I’m thinking about a Dr. King quote, “A man who does not have something for which he is willing to die is not fit to live.” You know what that was/is for me. Braxton. Can I not publish his two books already? Ensuring he’ll live forever, and then I am free to die. I sort of feel like doing that right now, time-traveling. And seeing to the… um, Virgil. For certain, though, if I could have given my life for Braxton’s… In a heartbeat, no questions asked. The things I survived because my boy needed me. Only, I couldn’t give him the life he deserved. And why, Madam? Strokin’, Rutting

Rut before when I was dead to the world. But rutting? And yes, I did look up the meaning of the word. Again that book “Mesmerizing Caroline.” Pornographic passions, language. Hell! Madam, if there is a hint of titties. I’m going to be a fanboy. Ask Cherry one day, ok. Next to my Braxton, women are the most beautiful things on the planet. Getting up? Madam, I promised Braxton I would find him a mom or a stepmom… fucking stop. Anyway, isn’t that the purpose of people? There isn’t one person on the planet. Not this moment I would give my existence for. But if B could find a way to love me well… A woman learning to value my life; maybe I can too.

Revenge ha? Or should I say, Justice Madam? I live to hurt myself. Only not in any traditional way. Thursday, February 16, 2023, The Cherry Collision. The Zoe Colletti/Tifa Lockhart Incident. Fuck! All the time, I spend wanking instead of writing. Even right now, geez. Sitting here on a Sunday afternoon, I’ve been looking up Lucy Tyler and Kiara Gold. Onlyfans will never net a profit (cough) $12.00 (cough). But with the money? Madam, I mean much more than that. I would go all The Count of Monte Cristo on the world. But who specifically… Careful right? Other than Braxton’s passing. My fault. Remember rules four and five. Hate will keep you alive. Love is worth dying for. Are those Living Reasons Are Dying Reasons?

764 Days Without B III, Day 205 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 245 ~Virgil’s Bookish, B III~

WillLeave a comment

I’ve dropped a book a few times in the tub. A girl snatched one of my books and threw it at some guy. Bloody pages. And I’m sweating bullets in public. Reading is my place of peace… or so it is/was with Braxton. And Virgil? Virgil’s Bookish, B III

Friday, March 3, 2023

Saga 245 ~Virgil’s Bookish, B III~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I don’t plan on becoming transphobic like J. K. Rowling. Or ripping people off somehow.

Please. For that kind of money… or less, I’d throw whatever morals I have out the window. I haven’t been doing a lot of reading. But I’ve watched every episode of “The Last of Us.” I’ve said I would burn the world to the fucking ground to save my Braxton. Hell! He’s not asking for that. And he wouldn’t even ask for me to be happy. My son knows me. If anything, B wants me to have peace. And when did that ever happen, hmm? Reading on the loveseat in the den. After a hard day of guarding the house and protecting me while I napped. He would curl up with me as I read. Did I need a reason to cry today with everything?

The Ninth Circle of Hell is Treachery. And is said to be frozen with the tears of the greatest betrayer, Lucifer. I’ll know sooner or later. At least, I hope so. Lady Sophia, I’d like to be correct for once. Besides my tears, I’ve been spitting nonsense at Cherry. Me looking and then; being STUPID! Next to Braxton dying, to be stupid is the worst. Then dad… the Day Job. Sweating up a storm at those things. But the Day Job for most of this week. Only better sweat than blood. My blood has been boiling with rage at that place, Sophia. The stress, sins, and sickness. All coming from trying to exist in this place, Sophia. One more reason to read. Knowledge and power?

I can’t say I’ve found much solace in “How to Be an Antiracist.” Was I looking for that, Sophia? And “Mesmerizing Caroline – The Beginning” is an excuse for me to be lazy. All so I can have my one-book-a-week streak. Or should I say, as the song goes, “I be strokin’.” I know, reading the energy bottle, I should be up until at least 2 this afternoon. So what should I be reading until then? Yep, stress, sin, and sickness. But here’s the thing, My Lady. It wouldn’t matter what I was reading. Braxton and the freeloader… Virgil. They want to be a part of it. I’m a better “person” while reading. You can’t get books wet. Buying a Kindle… Virgil’s Bookish, B III.

761 Days Without B III, Day 202 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 241 ~Nice Guys Occasionally Do Win~

WillLeave a comment

Why can’t you just be nice? I heard that in a movie… But I heard This Is America. It’s also not some Hentai, Reality Kings, Bang Bros, or Pure Taboo. And the only one I wanted to be nice to…. Nice guy? Not me! But “Nice Guys Occasionally Do Win”

Monday, February 27, 2023

Saga 241 ~Nice Guys Occasionally Do Win~

Two-Hundred and Eighty-First Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now. So I think that automatically disqualifies me from being a nice guy. Like being broke helps, either.

If I were a nice guy, my son would still be alive. I would have burned the world for him. The thing is, I can’t imagine being a good person. Hell, can’t keep my dick in my pants to honor him. Oh, we’ll get to that, Madam. Today has been one Hell of an experience. Speaking of which, being a daddy again? I still think of Virgil as the freeloader. Not that I call him that to his face. But he is annoying me to no end these days. Training? It’s not his fault at all. Only there’s a reason I leave him alone in Braxton’s room for hours. Madam, I need to stop using that word… END. Aren’t I being nice to myself today?

I went to see the doctor today, and can you say humiliations galore? Wait Times… Anyway. Of course, I had to go because of Thursday, February 16, 2023, The Cherry Collision. Never forget! But I did forget The Zoe Colletti/Tifa Lockhart Incident. So OW! Perhaps I should save this for Inspector Echo. Only I have no shame. Needle meet ass. More antibiotics and a week’s worth of medication. And what happens after that, I ask. I wouldn’t even be in this situation if I were a nice guy. “Everybody know I’m a motherfuckin’ monster” as the song goes. Or do they? Doctor’s office, Day Job. I’m fucking weak, spineless, a victim. How long did I let them ignore me? How I apologized, groveled, and shit.

And at the same time, the lady who thinks I’m so nice… the things I would do for a chance. Again that’s the whole point. It wouldn’t be nice. Never can be. Appearing as such… Stupid. You know how I feel about that word. I rather take another needle to my ass? Or why not suffer for what happened to B? It’s not nice using his memory like this, Madam. But let’s say I could be the nice guy. What would be my prize? Playing pretend hasn’t netted me anything. When’s the last time I did something nice. Ulterior motives… Nothing is coming to mind. And existence is not a porno. I said that sometime last week. But there are places Madam, movies, manuscripts, memories… Nice Guys Occasionally Do Win

757 Days Without B III, Day 198 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 238 ~ I’ll B Writing, Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

I’m a writer. That’s starting to become a lie. Now “I’m a Slave 4 U.” It’s not like Britney wrote that. And it takes much worse to turn me on. And why do I need that? I should be writing since Virgil got in trouble last night. I’ll Be Writing, Virgil

Friday, February 24, 2023

Saga 238 ~ I’ll B Writing, Virgil~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but not for writing. Not today. But as they say, brevity is the soul of wit.

I’ve gotten more mileage from the words “Braxton is dead” than anything else. To exploit my boy like that? Never. And I’m not trying to start something. I’m not Sophia. Only if you’re wondering where I’ve been. I wish I could say it was all cute dogs and such. Hell! I need them considering my day often starts off in tears. But reasons may vary. Dog memes, voiceovers, and I wish I could say books. I am rather enjoying “NSFW: A Novel.” Of course, you know why that is… Virgil is making that easier. Punishment. Today or rather last night, is the first time I had to place him in time-out. Peed on the floor. Anyway, I was able to read in peace. Not really.

And that’s because I’ll always miss Braxton. But as the book implies. NSFW, Lady Sophia. I still get off on horror stories concerning women. Why did I join Court’s Patreon? Yesterday I read about how the boss got that girl to take all her clothes off in a “trust exercise.” And the narrator was fingered by that guy Julian. Digital Penetration? I mean the way some things get described. And again, there’s courtwithconfidence. I swear, she told her true story, and all I wanted was to see her naked. How much was that, hmm? Oh, and what? I want to spend money on Johnny Sins videos. Him talking about sleeping with a former teacher of his. Wow! So few words, and I’m here banging away.

On the keyboard and not the bed. The Zoe Colletti/Tifa Lockhart Incident of January 11, 2022. The Cherry Collision on February 16, 2023? I thought about going to the doctor. Please. I woke up too late, which means… well, not a damn thing. But I don’t want to go. I have way too much writing to do anyway. The question remains, what gets done today. I have to text my old man about what the termite guy said. After my humiliating showing at my granddaddy’s funeral. I’m thirty-eight, Lady Sophia. Sad writing it again. There’s working on the cash—three groups of three hundred, then a hundred for me. A grocery list, promises I won’t keep, you, the other girls, Braxton. I’ll Be Writing, Virgil

754 Days Without B III, Day 195 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 234 ~ Shame’s A Stop Sign, Go~

WillLeave a comment

My father made me ashamed to breathe. And when my furry son died. To breathe when I watched him take his last breath… There’s plenty I should be ashamed of and things that never bother me. But I ain’t going nowhere. Shame’s A Stop Sign, Go.

Monday, February 20, 2023

Saga 234 ~ Shame’s A Stop Sign, Go~

Two-Hundred and Eightieth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now. But most seem stuck in the past or are living in some form of “1984.” A shame

As for myself, the past is that my son is dead. Only every day feels the same. Madam, I still check notices of lost dogs. I can’t get Virgil’s name right for anything. B’s where? Looking at me from up above? His Daddy suffering yet again from The Cherry Collision. Or so I think. I’m time-traveling, so it’s Saturday, February 18, 2023. And I don’t feel right at all. I should have caved. But now I’ll be out a few hundred bucks. Refund incoming? As far as the future goes… shouldn’t I be, at the very least, training Virgil? I am trying, Madam, honest. Outside, house, upstairs, using Virgil’s name for each command. Laws? There are rules, directives, and orders. But such a shame Madam.

This is one of those times that the shame of my history should have stopped me. Not learning from the past and all that jazz. No, I chose to be a Republican. So, an asshole. Though as the song goes to “Nobody but Me.” Aren’t I ashamed, Madam? Pissed, Scared? All the above. How the Hell am I ever going to explain, huh? Is losing cash worse than this feeling? What about going into Express Oil and trying to explain a fucked up tire, ha? But neither of those equals going to PetSmart with Braxton thinking he’s only sick, right? No, he was dying. The shame I felt only adds to the guilt. But then there’s V here and now. Shame Virgil Vivi got me.

But my shame at fucking up as a Daddy didn’t stop me from what? Saving him, did I do that? Fuck! The last thing I need is a reminder of Steve Urkel. If you’re wondering what’s been taking me so long today. My body? I’m ashamed of what’s going on inside, but outside? With The Zoe Colletti/Tifa Lockhart Incident and the Collision, uh been busy. Pictures? And no, not any of my Braxton, mind you. Six Impossible Things shows that shame, as it will tomorrow. But the rule and the question remain. What is shame stopping me from doing, Madam? Honoring my son, of course. Taking care of myself. Infections… Living instead of existing? Because where am I going anyway? Shame’s A Stop Sign, Go.

750 Days Without B III, Day 191 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 231 ~B, The Story, Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

Last week, I was writing about the need to go shopping. But, Ah shit, here we go again. I did finish reading a bit. One thing off the to-do list. How about getting to know V? If he’d been earlier. I’m too busy making myself sick. B, The Story, Virgil

Friday, February 17, 2023

Saga 231 ~B, The Story, Virgil~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I wouldn’t invest in FOX News, OAN, NEWSMAX, etc. No, I believe in the truth.

I would say I write the truth. For example, what I live with every day. My son B is dead. Try waking up to that. I don’t remember the last day I wanted to wake up to. I was on time today for the most part, but I had a reason. Oh, Lady Sophia, I fucked up. But we’ll get to that in a bit. And do you know why? I’m trying to hold off being a meanie. His name is Virgil. In a minute, I’m going to sound like one of those men from Fight Club, ha-ha. His name is Virgil Vivi, you know. Begins chanting, “his name is Robert Paulson.” Virgil’s here; God, don’t have me writing again… He’s not eating or drinking.

V is very much alive. And he wants to stay here with me. So you know what that means. No edging or masturbation. Hell! Why couldn’t Virgil get here sooner? I got to ask Sophia. I always talk about The Zoe Colletti/Tifa Lockhart Incident of January 11, 2022. How about The Cherry Collision on February 16, 2023? I can’t say that anything is wrong yet. Lady Sophia, I could hardly walk when the Incident occurred. But the Collision ain’t right. Next thing you know, I’ll be reading another doctor’s bill and the medication… $100 ha. Trying to make myself the story instead of Virgil. I keep wanting to say something. Freeloader, Fiend, Fido? My Braxton is my guardian, my goodness, dammit, the word of God.

My Fighter, my friend, and always and forever. I have books that say that, but no. What am I doing? As I’ve said, I don’t have cash for anything. And yet, more books, more books. And what’s sad is I’m reading books I am not interested in; in a place that isn’t the loveseat in the den. With a fur baby, I keep asking… why are you here? Asshole? Probably. I’ve already mentioned Fight Club, and The Day After Tomorrow, so how about M3gan? I feel like Gemma with her niece. With me and V, I’m not his Dad. Then what am I then? Virgil Vivi and my story… I don’t know. Besides worrying, I started reading for Kindle Challenge (sigh). B, The Story, Virgil

747 Days Without B III, Day 188 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 227 ~People Don’t Die Properly “Anymore” ~

WillLeave a comment

I’ve read that a coward dies many deaths, but the brave die once. So, I’m still here, and Braxton isn’t. Today he would be eighteen. I don’t want to think back to when I was that age. I met B in my twenties. “People Don’t Die Properly “Anymore.”

Monday, February 13, 2023

Saga 227 ~People Don’t Die Properly “Anymore” ~

Two-Hundred and Seventy-Ninth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now… which means I will live forever. So why couldn’t I do that for Braxton? He’s eighteen today.

Why? Because I’m still alive. More like I still exist. Writing to you today of all days. Well, two days, today and Monday. I feel like Chris talking to Annie in What Dreams May Come. Sort of. I’m making you aware I exist so I can say what needs to be said. Which is this.

Happy Birthday, Braxton! Welcome to level eighteen B III! Too many more, B, my son. Now you know that Braxton died when he was fifteen. Thirteen days shy of sixteen. Madam, even now I know, not feel, these are facts. I should have followed Braxton. Everyone would say that’s not proper. Hell! Going to my granddaddy’s funeral smelling like a corpse isn’t, either. How about going to work today, Madam?

That’s one of many reasons that I’m not dead yet. Well, more like undead. A zombie, infected, an unperson? I was looking at my body Sunday… Madam, allow unselfishness to shine. My work is to do what Braxton and I always wanted. Was it more me than him? That’s fair? Anyway, we were supposed to be like Dennis and Domino Hof. I told M Anime. But it was Braxton’s Aunt Carolina. She let B run all over her body. Proper? Awesome? Maybe not, and yes. B loved her after that. As far as other people in B III’s Universe, hmm? As the song goes, “Oh, there ain’t no rest for the wicked.” So I won’t be joining B III anytime soon. I’m a bad man.

But I raised a good one when it comes to my son. My one saving grace. Yet, uh, the “special Hell?” The Ninth Circle of Hell. Treachery, Betrayal, of the one that loves me most? Madam, I looked in the mirror into cameras and a gallery I made. Emaciated. Madam, that’s the word that came to mind. Look at me ruining B’s birthday. I don’t even have the money to go and get some fries for him and myself. Well, I do, but I won’t. People. Being someone that’s… fucked, I don’t know. Only I’m still here, and Braxton isn’t. Madam, only the good die young. I want to be like the worst ones. To protect Braxton. He protects me? People Don’t Die Properly “Anymore”

743 Days Without B III, Day 184 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 224 ~The B-List, Virgil Wishes~

WillLeave a comment

Hmm, I didn’t have to put deodorant on the list. Dog food should be at the top. And treats. How else will Virgil learn to use the stairs? Hell! I only go down because Braxton needed me, and he climbed the Stairway to Heaven. The B-List, Virgil Wishes

Friday, February 10, 2023

Saga 224 ~The B-List, Virgil Wishes~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now. But unlike most of them, I don’t want to be a monster, a mistake, or a murderer. And yet, Where’s Braxton?

Millions, billions, trillions of dollars, so I can be a misanthrope. Today’s not that day. The day I long for.

Monster, am I not. Hell, I write about monsters. Well, men who own brothels and treat women a “certain” kinda way. But if I was any good at it… what’s the word published? Well then. I wouldn’t have to go shopping today. Hell! I could have it brought Lady Sophia. Instead, I’m talking to you instead of being out already. I ignored Braxton for the Day Job, remember? And now here we are. It was a Friday I found out Triple B was dying. Virgil? As I said the other day, he’s strong. If anything, he’s hungry, so to the store I go. I think. There is always delivery Sophia.

Mistake. One big fucking mistake. I said Thursday I had a dream about a funeral. I couldn’t pay for the services, and they didn’t want to perform them either. Oh, I got more “M’s” for ya. Money, mammaries, and masturbation. That’s three mistakes. Fail. Lady Sophia, I don’t have enough cash to start ordering things all Willy-nilly, you know. Did you see the paycheck this week? You know, something’s wrong when I’m checking math. Then there’s what I want to spend money on. Lady Sophia… I Love Titties. How much did I save last year? And then I spent a part of that trying to see some girl naked. Masturbation? No, that was my dream last night. I thought I’d spoiled my streak. Wet dreams…

A murderer in the sheets, which is all this bed is good for. And yes, I have washed the sheets several times since B III’s death. I didn’t want to. That’s for sure. My Braxton. How would he feel about how I’m treating Virgil? Can you believe I was about to say, “he’s not going to die?” How many times did I say that about Braxton? Where is he now? More like, where should I be? At the store, picking up food for Virgil. Or at least ordering it from someplace. I need to make a grocery list, but Triple B remains always and forever. And Virgil? I wish I knew what he wanted. At present, a full food bowl. But The B-List, Virgil Wishes

740 Days Without B III, Day 181 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will