Lesson 151 ~Just Another Red Shirt~

Is it a job, is it a career, is it dream, all I know is, for the most part, it’s a place that I don’t want to be. I don’t have to be, but then again while I obviously don’t care for my own life, my son likes eating most days. “Just Another Red Shirt”

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Lesson 151 ~Just Another Red Shirt~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear, though if I quit my job today, there would be plenty, of course, it didn’t matter when I was just another red shirt, I’ll give you a point if you get that reference though I don’t particularly feel funny today. There are plenty of places I can go on the subject of humiliation, sadly though I can’t go to HR and the unemployment line, I need this job, now more than ever but that doesn’t make it right does it?

I should probably save this for Lady Sophia, but I finished NaNoWriMo today and needless to say I will need to keep my day job now for now and it might also help if I get a decent night’s sleep. Remember Arby’s; there was pretty much no way to avoid the madness getting to me, the anger, sleep deprivation and here I am talking to you because I’ve been doing nothing but wasting my time. No, I don’t mean with you but with today, and right now I just feel so hallow you know, just give me a shovel and start digging because we know what’s going to happen with this novel now don’t we?

Anyway so I’m at work, and the general manager is just getting into me you know, I’m okay with being a fool, calling myself stupid but it utterly destroys me when other people do it you know. Worst is the fact that I decided to tell the truth… okay, not the whole truth then I would be fired but enough and what do I look like to you Inspector Echo, a fucking comedian. Yeah, where was that language when I honestly needed it today, but nobody wants the truth, we all want to believe, we all want just to hope.

Live For A Better Tomorrow, is the last chapter of my book, but didn’t somebody once say to write what you know and all I know is I know nothing which is something that I choose to apply to my day job and my dream. Both waste today without a doubt but at least tomorrow I’ll be humiliated yet again, and the other one will just be a disappoint truly.

So what am I asking forgiveness for, wasting so much time, being bereft of hope or just knowing right now I’m Just Another Red Shirt.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 150 ~To Reshape The World~

If you asked me the last time I took a vacation, give me books, my warm bed, at most a trip to the movies, why do I need to go anywhere else, besides the fact that I might want to find her so the both of us can run away together. To Reshape The World

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Lesson 150 ~To Reshape The World~

Dear Future Wife,
No Fear, live brave, for what could dare stop us if we’re together, as the song goes:

“And then I go and spoil it all
By saying something stupid
Like I love you.”
the song Something Stupid

Which makes jumping out of an airplane look pretty sane if you ask me, and it might ask scare you to ask me more. Indeed I may scare myself. Don’t get me wrong the sight of you in a bikini as we lounge around on the beach, the sight of you before my eyes at all is a trip to paradise to be sure honestly.

If I don’t remind you enough, you’re an angel, a goddess, sitting on the couch watching a movie with you does the trick, as I would call you as they did in Willow “you are my sun, my moon, my starlit sky,” my choice in movies right? How about my choice in adventures, I’m not the biggest fan of “Lord of The Rings” or “The Hobbit” but going to New Zealand is something I never imagined I could do or would do, but when I’m with you… While everything says I wish that the bed was just a little bit bigger there is a lot of Earth out there and please don’t make me burst into Aladdin my love because you know I just might.

We’ll go to Disney World and Disneyland, and I’d like to think we’ll be those types of parents too, and here I don’t want to be like everyone else, but maybe I’m still a traditionalist or just a middle-class American. We might even escape together somewhere far away, travel the world, I’m not sure, but I want to be with you through it all and don’t they say that home is where the heart is? I could write from anywhere but isn’t the point that I’ll have my hands somewhere else than my keyboard, pen, tearing my hair out constantly.

I want to hold your hand as we walk every inch of this world, I want to see you before the greatest wonders of this place and still delight that I find not one of them, as amazing, as beautiful, as love, like you. I want to be with you in every way I can have you as if we’re telling “this one time at band camp,” stories just everywhere else. Could it be that I just want to show you off, would that be such a bad thing, maybe I just want to be sure that I’m the luckiest person alive as with our mere presence in it, the two of us may begin somehow To Reshape The World.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 149 ~Anger Is Better That Despair~

All I know is I rather not be the victim, and I don’t believe that all anger is necessarily bad, or at least that’s what everyone attempts to convince themselves of, and it seems like such an angry world and why not Anger Is Better That Despair.

Monday, November 27, 2017

Lesson 149 ~Anger Is Better That Despair~

Eighth Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear, indeed for everything that I do out of fear, anger… perhaps it’s what makes me the most foolish, but I could live with nearly anything else but despair. When I first began writing again it was out of despair but what makes me keep writing is this great fire, and somedays I don’t care what stokes it honestly.

Despair would have set in if I quit my job today, anger is what got me back to the real work and the somewhat asinine hope that someday I will be rich enough, ready enough, real enough to end the humiliation, degradation, and possibly the perversion of my soul. Now, what is it I said about stoking the fire, trust me if I was only as angry as I was today, instead of being as horny as everything, even my own filthy little sex romp of a novel isn’t a substitute for actual porn. Shouldn’t that make me angry, I am my own worst enemy most days which just makes everything else set me off so damn easy, but shouldn’t we all be angry with everything in the world today.

There is a poem somewhere about how the world will meet its end in fire or ice and don’t count me as any true interpreter Madam Justice but shall we drown in boiling seas of blood, or freezing lakes of our tears since we are doing nothing. Anger at least makes you take action even if that action is the dumbest thing in your whole life, what has despair ever gotten me. A hangover from sleeping pills or vomiting my guts out for a few days, anger can make you must industrious, how many industries do some build on it.

People talk about self-defense, but somebody breaks into your house, there will be fear and anger, righteous or not doesn’t make any difference does it. Liquor feeds off both anger and despair which is why I don’t usually partake, no benefit honestly, as if something out of Furi Kuri/Fooly Cooly/FLCL as Mamimi says “I’ll overflow.”

Perhaps that is the lesson, I rather hurt others than hurt myself, or at least that’s why it is a rule as I am usually falling into depression. Does that make me a bad person; well, I haven’t killed anybody, my hands are clean, but Anger Is Better That Despair.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 148 ~Feel Like Chicken Tonight~

Better to be a live chicken than a dead duck but so far I have declared a full-scale war on the chicken population considering the menu, so I’m not sure that’s in my best interest. Feel Like Chicken Tonight, hope not honestly

Sunday, November 26, 2017

Lesson 148 ~Feel Like Chicken Tonight~

To Will:
No Fear, that’s right you shouldn’t feel like a chicken, and on a more personal note maybe you should stop eating it; yes, I know NaNoWriMo is kicking your ass, but maybe a change in diet would help. Is that me giving you practical advice, I suppose most of my creativity has been shot to Hell, especially today, and you know something, you should still be writing now.

Let me just tell you, man, I am so damn proud of you, pecking away at the keys instead of beating your… yeah, that is part of the reason you still have so much writing to do but the fact that you have been keeping up and going above and beyond. Make this a feather in your cap, and nobody else is going to tell you, maybe “Indiana Gone,” but you still have 9,900 words to go. Think about your work before you start thinking about the wide array of legs, breasts, and thighs you could be getting; okay, I’ll stop with all the chicken references, and what was it I just said about changing up your diet, the life of a starving artist, noted.

It’s not like you proved yourself to be much of a boss at work, I know what you’re thinking, what happened to the upbeat positivity. You pay me to be honest, okay you don’t pay me at all which is why I’m sure you’re worried about a paycheck as much about people at work. That is why it’s crucial that you finish strong this week, you have four more days and then what, yeah five minutes into the future still sounds plenty good to me. If you want your goal, that’s what it is, finish the damn book Will, it’s stupid, it’s ugly, it sucks, but finish it, got that.

I know a lot of this sounds like more Lady’s Sophia’s wheelhouse, but when it comes to you, I want you to remember that feeling you felt for a few hours yesterday like you couldn’t be touched, and tomorrow isn’t going to be so bad. Okay a lie, tomorrow won’t be as bad as yesterday, and that should bring a smile to your face right, and I don’t think chickens can smile, already doomed to their lot in life but you aren’t, so please friend don’t Feel Like Chicken Tonight.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 147 ~Make Me Wanna Cry~

What makes you cry, if anything I’m supposed to be a man, but this isn’t the diary of a tired black man, that was a good movie by the way, but I haven’t anytime as you could see me passing out in the wee hours of the morning. “Make Me Wanna Cry”

Saturday, November 25, 2017

Lesson 147 ~Make Me Wanna Cry~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, I won’t, at least not yet anyway, not if I can get a decent night’s rest but fat chance of that happening I mean what time is it now? I haven’t dreamed a nightmare for quite some time to be sure, and the sweetest dreams aren’t coming, or I’m working on them nowadays for real.

That’s another way to stop the tears, lots and lots of work, been sweating bullets as of late with this NaNoWriMo deadline and it’s starting to be crunch time. Speaking of crunch, yet one more way I’m not bursting into tears; how many times have we talked about my anger issues getting the best of me? Anger is becoming somewhat of a finite resource about don’t I have plenty to be, angry about, including even you keeping me up still.

The work, blood and soft minus the tears, why isn’t 2200 words enough or the fact that I know that it’s all my fault, not just a little bit but almost the entire time become I’m busy fighting one more bit of liquid. On that note, it’s been maybe one more week, for all the successes that I can see coming… did I just say that, anyway for all the good that’s coming I live in a constant state of waiting for the other shoe to drop? Other than myself I’m letting you down which explains this is coming a day late and have I found the line; it was 3:00 AM when I just gave up talking to you and decided to do this on Sunday but better late than never some say often.

Talk about sayings I hate because the last thing I need is more excuses, on a positive note, things should be getting back to normal soon enough which means I’ll be broke again if my hours and my paycheck have anything to say about it. I’m not crying though, too tired to cry, today was supposed to be a five thousand words day, and I have barely cleared 2,400 when it comes to the novel, but I bought Grammarly today.

So what have we learned over the past two days other than the fact that I’m finally taking my writing seriously… yeah hello, I should be working on you more ain’t that right and the blog in general. The point is we know tears never solve anything, so make secretions but life at this moment *sigh* Make Me Wanna Cry.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 146 ~Staying In The Black~

Black all around us, I do mean words on the page, the time, along with my day job making all sorts of money because according to my paycheck I’m not in the slightest and yet I carry on with this farce of a book. “Staying In The Black” a while longer.

Friday, November 24, 2017

Lesson 146 ~Staying In The Black~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Tomorrow is another day, and I just don’t know, okay maybe I do know, but I don’t want to admit it, and I won’t give it words because I am so exhausted my fault of course besides work. As musical inclined as I am “Everyday I Write The Book,” and I’m nearly there if you can believe that; according to NaNoWriMo, I need an estimate of 2,200 words to finish on schedule and then what comes next.

I honestly have no idea, Lady Sophia, as it is most possibly the worse thing I have ever written and you know that’s saying a lot, not to mention I feel me and Dante Alighieri should have a conversation, seriously I feel half dead already. Should I be proud that I have given up nearly everything on this whim, that may never see the light of day, but that’s just it isn’t it, not just my life I am wasting anymore you know when you create characters and really when you know how people blather in everyday life incessantly. Am I indeed a coward, you’re damn right I am, but I am trying because with my story I am doing.

There was a movie that said I think when you save a life, you must take responsibility for it, the same as when you create a life, what sort of parent will I be, of course you know who to ask when it comes to that. If anything living is quite a cost, you pay with blood, sweat, and tears, and I could tell you plenty about that with everything that has happened this month, dammit I survived Black Friday and regardless of my wasted efforts, I have done what I set out to do at least for today. Maybe I shouldn’t worry so much about tomorrow, but you know me, so does “Indiana Gone,” and I can’t turn back now, I can’t give up, seriously Sophia I’m this close.

We’re talking six days, and there you have it, set life, yeah, I couldn’t say that with a straight face if I think this book is every going anywhere besides some long lost file right? It’s already so late, and you know tomorrow will be another long one which means getting up early, sad that waking up to my day job is how I am always Staying In The Black.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 145 ~The Bang Stops Here~

Don’t they know, it’s the end of the world… so what should they rather be doing in reality, how many people will die tonight looking for a gift; maybe this is why I have a dog but I want/need a wife too and the thing is… The Bang Stops Here

Thursday, November 23, 2017

Lesson 145 ~The Bang Stops Here~


Come In Dirty Diana,
No Fear, it’s only the end of the world as I assume it is every day and for the majority of them, I can’t say I would be proud at the end… then again should I be proud of the things I tell you? Anyway, sitting here on the eve of Black Friday, I just wish I could take my mind off of it, hell if an asteroid was making its way here, I would want to roll off, or maybe just look up at it and smile as everything ends.

Achilles: “Go home, prince. Drink some wine, make love to your wife. Tomorrow, we’ll have our war.” ― Troy (2004)

Can you think of anything else you would rather be doing, if the world couldn’t be saved, standing on the edge of oblivion and annihilation, okay so maybe I’ve had an idea of standing on the front lines and fighting the good fight? At the end of the day though, literally I would just want to be with someone, preferably intimate but with as many times as I have contemplated suicide, and port in a storm as they say. Better a bang than a whimper because I’m all sorts of scared, how best for a man to die like a man, why not an act of love rather than one of hate or futility, a hope for life, not death?

Now have I dreamed up any scenarios about this, more often than not I plan on being the one to survive, offering young ladies shelter from “The Purge”, “The Walking Dead”, whatever ending life seems to have in store for us. If I were a family man I’d like one more night with my wife and then go out protecting them in a blaze of glory, hell even make it like “Twilight: Breaking Dawn” Edward and Bella… are you going to judge me on that one Diana? If I didn’t have anyone special and the world was over the rules would be no more rules and you know I have “Ravishment” fantasies but if it was someone special… which one excites me more you think?

To be the last one so close to someone, I would even go out in the ways of “Pompeii”, except Milo and Cassia only kissed, personally I wanted to say didn’t fuck but for once I’m not in the mood, Black Friday and all but if Chloë Grace Moretz happened to stop by this night well, The Bang Stops Here.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 144 ~Let’s Do The Math~

How many days did he waste his money on tutoring, how much did it cost for me to fail miserably and take a final exam twice just do my school could get rid of me, not to mention being a college dropout, now that’s a story? Let’s Do The Math

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Lesson 144 ~Let’s Do The Math~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear but me plus you equals a ton of it but maybe I shouldn’t say you, just damn near anybody else and then my heart is stone, along with everything else and God help you if you’re a pretty girl. Math has never been my strong suit, which ain’t saying much, what about English or Psychology, before I even knew to call it Anxiety at all.

I’m not sure if I ever told you this story but my senior year of high school I was failing yet another Math class and my “father” put me in a tutoring, which of course didn’t help because I didn’t have the minimum basic skills to be human. I never talked to anybody, never got help, and the one time I did try to communicate with another person, let’s just say something else was rock hard. Too bad it wasn’t a headstone, yet another one of those times suicide seemed a viable option, and yeah I know I have no one to blame but myself because as far as he’s concerned, anxiety doesn’t exist honestly.

All I did was write down problems and when he found out he beat my ass, yelled at me and the tutors, and here I thought people were monsters but compared to him… so yes I learned how to talk to people to a certain extent. On the other hand, I won’t ever be promoted at work because I still lack the same skills I did as a teenager, thus I’m asking less money. How many girls numbers do I have, maybe two and I’m not sleeping with either of them so what is the point Inspector Echo, any purpose?

I waste money because I don’t think I’m ever good enough and don’t ask me how old I am and I’m still alone, well I got the dog so that’s one and a half occupants here. My whole damn life has been one 3/5’s Compromise… okay so I might have liked History and what do we learn from History, those that don’t learn from the past, so on, so forth.

How many times can I apologize for having anxiety an even if I went as high as a million at the end of the day it will always be there won’t it? So am I forgiven for living my life, surviving, wasting it because even one word scares the hell out of me, my “father” *sigh* Let’s Do The Math?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 143 ~You Want A Medal~

The dog needs me around though I don’t know why he stays, maybe he sees something I don’t and nobody else does but maybe someday “she” might or so I ask myself why I still believe. You Want A Medal, maybe something pretty, three little words, a ring?

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Lesson 143 ~You Want A Medal~

Dear Future Wife:
No Fear, for that alone you probably deserve one, though I don’t know if I would be quite pleased or somewhat worried because you might be just a little bit crazier than I an. Do I need the incentive to love you, no but should I explain why I do, I suppose it’s indeed fortunate that you chose to love a writer but do I have all the time in the world?

I’m sure I will tell you every day, not just because I want to or need to, so many words in the English language and I can’t help but wonder who chose those three but why will I say then, because you’re you… Could I do just as well with I want you, I need you, I believe in you, would I want you to explain such things to me and what would be your incentive? I wish I could do as Elton John and write you a song or any of the plethora of things he mentions and I will do what I can do regardless but to quote another song “fear is the heart of love” scary huh?

The things any man would do to keep you and yet here I am the one and I think you’ll have to do everything in your power to stop me. Take my hand in yours to stop me from buying pretty much everything your heart desires because how I want to believe it is me… You’ll have to shut me up with kisses, who knows, on one hand, you’ll be saving my life because my heart might be right out of my chest and on the other I can’t breathe.

You give me everything reason to love you and I’ll always believe that you deserve more, I’ll reach for you in the night, I’ll tremble, when the house settles I’ll still worry not about some bill collector, or thief, well maybe the woman who stole my heart. How some think calling a man a dog is a bad thing, I might always have this thing they call puppy love for you, hopeless devoted, so sad.

Already I don’t know if that’s too much or not enough but after all, you are still here beside me and I just have to ask, You Want A Medal?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 142 ~Stop Crying Your Heart Out~

Maybe if I was left with a few beers, sometimes as the song goes I wish it would rain, could I maybe go work out in the gym, how about having some woman in my bed, anything to stop talking about my feelings “Stop Crying Your Heart Out”

Monday, November 20, 2017

Lesson 142 ~Stop Crying Your Heart Out~

Seventh Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear, but complaints, tears, frustrations, worries, and who am kidding there is fear, there is always fear, but the trick is that nobody is supposed to know it if anything that is not what a man is. As if I know what being a real man is right but on the other hand, there are plenty of days I don’t think I even have a heart at all really.

I get accused of a lot of wearing my heart on my sleeve and even today I could find plenty to cry about, how hard work was today (my boss said I look like Spike Lee) plus I’m just so tired, how this week is going to suck overall, or how about why I’m even bothering with NaNoWriMo. What about the situation I found myself in so many months ago; no question I wasn’t being a gentleman back then and I think I read somewhere that a gentleman must keep these feelings to himself. It hasn’t just been words either which has been ugly enough I think, but then again can I count my heart amongst some of those ha.

You don’t know how many times I wish I could just break down and cry or to actually pray for a miracle, should I start envying my dog and maybe I understand why some men make themselves out to be gods. Could you imagine God crying about something and you know this will lead to a Jesus discussion so let’s just drop it right now? That’s the thing though I should just drop it, drop everything that makes me, myself I guess and instead of crying, drown my sorrows, fake it till I make it, or whatever else people say.

So am I expected to lie forever… if other people can do it, and at least it would be something because you know I’m too quiet anyways isn’t that right. The thing is crying never solves anything now does is Madam Justice, I think even you would think less of me but truth be told can people’s opinion of me get any lower… still complaining?

I again find myself apologizing for just being me for I am truly guilty but it could be worse, it nearly has been worse but at the end of the day, I’m still alive so Stop Crying Your Heart Out.

I Will Have No Fear