Episode 200 ~A Willingly Lost Innocence~

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The words are still not coming easily but what can I say about myself keeping my brand of self-control but I’m not young anymore and if I had a million dollars, would I be a sugar daddy, a porno director, with a “P.Y.T.?” “A Willingly Lost Innocence”

Thursday, January 17, 2019

Episode 200 ~A Willingly Lost Innocence~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
How To Make One Million Dollars, be Paris Hilton, Farrah Abraham, or Kim Kardashian, more to the point be the guy that gets to fuck them and have I been trying to be that man lately? I’m the man struggling to stay awake most days, but losing sleep to read erotica, money for MILF tits, and so much time daydreaming about being the man, which is hard to do when you’re working in “older” style bras.

Don’t get me wrong Dirty Diana, I’m all about the moms but besides the three I know and that defining fact you know what it is about them… innocence, I know I’ve talked about this before, but that guiltless nature of theirs. I know it was only yesterday I spoke of leaving the blameless painless, but that doesn’t count in the bedroom; what is it about putting angels through Hell that gets me going? Take my porno MILF, I will call her beautiful, divine, and everything in-between, but on camera, she’s my “little whore” with her “dirty mom tits” she’s a slut and the like. Only there is something about making a holy roller say those things. Oh so willing.

On the other hand, I’ve never appreciated someone who merely accepts those things, it’s like I’m an explorer and I want to dig that out of a girl, I want to discover it, unravel it and then cover it once again in ribbon, lace, chain, and all that is myself. A man of contradiction, for example, I do want to inflict pain, but at the same time I don’t desire a masochist, I want a girl to learn to appreciate it for my sake. Once upon a time, I had this fantasy of fucking an older model and her young apprentice but what guy doesn’t have the two girls fetish for a little while right?

Yeah more like two decades, I either want the forty-year-old or the twenty-year-old, still, as always I’m a greedy bastard and prefer them both which leads me back to my original question of how to make one million, not that I’m looking for a gold digger. If it’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that money can talk any man out of prison and nearly any girl into Hell but to meet that one… “True Teen Babes,” Exploited College Girls, guess that answers the old vs. young question though I watch the MILF’s videos but the concept A Willingly Lost Innocence.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 199 ~Willing To Be Footloose~

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Big confessions of 2019 and I said it before but what a way to start the year; B III and I are making it though, and if only everyone knew forgiveness as he does, yeah three shots would leave anyone PO’ed what about nine? Willing To Be Footloose

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Episode 199 ~Willing To Be Footloose~

Forgive Me Echo,
How To Make One Million Dollars, not by hurting the innocent; you know I wrote down 365 Rules for my life, and without a doubt, I’m making more, you don’t propose at weddings, share other people’s personal lives, leave those blameless as painless, show goes on.

So my first sin Inspector Echo; I don’t like people; I think we are long overdue a plague of some sort but that being out there, life sucks enough for me not to fuck it up for others (Language) so silly me wanting to integrate myself to the masses and in so doing losing music. Monday I took over the speaker at work, keep in mind, one guy has run it for months, but I put on my playlist and come Tuesday, we are no longer allowed to listen with it… am I taking it too personally like always, perhaps?

My second sin, of course, comes from the guilt I feel, the shame, and everybody knows this is my fault, it has to be, I haven’t felt like this since I wrote a bit of poetry to a girl and a line from Twilight which nearly got me fired. Maybe I am growing some, remember when I got a ticket and was ready to kill myself before my father got to and if I lost my job… next sin, I’m not dead, but I believe in The Walking Dead, not only the show Inspector Echo.

I’m nearly ready to become a prepper for zombies, my friends know me so well, and that’s my fourth sin, I LIED to them about certain things, and I don’t lie unless my life is on the line and in this instance, it wasn’t, merely my pride. Doesn’t explain my fifth sin, to my best friend, my son, how his father can spend more on a woman than on his well-being, “B III” has gone to the vet twice and I spent more to see some tits (Watch Your Language).

Now we have my sixth sin, right out of the book 1984 you know the concept of “Doublethink” how I can consider a woman both a Madonna and the Whore in the same moment. Sin Seven is you pay a whore, and at least Braxton isn’t alone in my wasteful spending because I won’t buy new boots for myself, I can but I won’t because I’m Scrooge and so I listened to two co-workers laughing at me, so for eight I have begun tuning out the world even more so.

Nine and I have so much more to say, but this is only a symptom of a bigger problem, I’m Wasting Time, sleeping, playing The Walking Dead, sipping a cappuccino, and now I’m Run Boy Run these days, forgive me Inspector Echo; Willing To Be Footloose.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 198 ~Cold Outside, Willing Approval~

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I don’t need your approval, what I tell myself daily and part of that is because everyone has already agreed to the man they see now and God help me if I decide to change or if some girl likes what she sees in me. Cold Outside, Willing Approval.

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

Episode 198 ~Cold Outside, Willing Approval~

Dear Future Wife,
How To Make One Million Dollars, though I can think of scarier questions, the first time I asked you out, will you marry me, how am I going to drive to the hospital during the winter months in the dark… praying for a summertime baby. I saw a movie once where this man said that a man doesn’t have to run around a woman, he tells her how things are, another man says he looked in the mirror and consulted with himself.

You know me baby-girl, or maybe you don’t, I’ll look at you longer than any mirror, my favorite thing on dates are movies, and of course, on Saturday mornings, lying here with you for two hours, maybe an hour, kids willing, listening to “Nuclear Pop.” Where does such a love come from, for you, our children, for dystopian societies and if I go by the logic of my first born “B III” I would say it was the moment I realized I was more scared of knowing you, terrified that anything outside could take you away, that I would have to explain everything. You see, you’re here, you see me when I can’t stand to look at myself, hear me when I run out of words from music, movies, and how many musings this year; is that the definition of love, being accepted for who you are, not needing approval?

How about forgetting who you are, and becoming what someone needs you to be, some Detroit Become Human right but no music today My Love, okay maybe a little but I go to work, and all day people are more than willing to accept me as they would have me but let me show them who I am? I’m done being the son my parents never wanted and as for your parents; as traditional as I am I would ask your father’s blessing but not his permission, I’m not looking for an alliance with France since taking French in high school. Having a daughter of our own, will I hope she finds a man like me… that’s why I want to be the man you need and every day I want to ask someone, anyone am I him, who approves?

It’s cold outside or don’t you believe me; Someday it won’t matter because as I begin every day, how to make one million dollars, fifty million, billion, five hundred billion but I’m not greedy and would the world approve of a man like me? At the end of the day you chose, the man you see before you, that you want, need, believe in, and love and It Doesn’t Matter what anyone else thinks because it’s Cold Outside, Willing Approval.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 197 ~Women Make The World Harder~

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Whenever a woman is coming over I’m reminded of that concept “Jesus is coming, look busy” it’s like the end of days maybe, and that’s if things get that far, past twenty seconds of courage, the daily grind, life. Women Make The World Harder

Monday, January 14, 2019

Episode 197 ~Women Make The World Harder~

Sixty-Seventh Rule Madam Justice

How To Make One Million Dollars, keep your zipper closed no matter how hard “IT” gets and no I’m not thinking about the clown, learn to live “Bird Box” style, and maybe I misunderstood in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. You also must remain a hard ass and by that I mean keep your wallet full and keep your mouth shut and grind; my back pockets are for my wallet, some work gear, and some wound up earphones most days.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ce1NYsFPzXI

Last time I checked Eric Thomas has a woman but here’s the thing Madam Justice, I have a hard time breathing regardless of what I do but between the day job and women… one they call making a living, the other produces life. I make women out to be, princess and queens, angels and goddesses, I find myself willing to do anything and haunted by my decisions and wonder why. Now I want to be a man. Indeed a wise black man so I’ll quote The Fresh Prince, Girls Ain’t Nothing But Trouble, I have watched many a great man fall to perdition, not saying they didn’t deserve it but the innocent as well Justice.

Falling in love doesn’t take a brain, you’re libel to bust a gut, and you know how much I hate playing the fool which explains some and a man must also be brave, have huge stones or can we say bigger balls. Do you think me bitter Madam Justice, I don’t like the taste of 5-hour ENERGY, but I still take it every day and so it is with women, as the song goes, I’m a little Drunk On You which ironically makes me softer and more open. Doesn’t this lead me back to the MILFS though or any woman for that matter, hell Dennis Hof wanted independent women, but he also spoiled them rotten, and at the same time he bought houses galore, he had the Midas Touch, indeed plenty of cold hard cash.

Women make a man hardheaded in more ways than one, in body, bullion, battle, and probably a million other things all so we can take them to bed, in the belief that we will breathe a little easier, and I won’t lie Madam Justice, one day I want to be a dad. What doesn’t “end” you, makes you stronger and with a woman sigh what does one man have to fear; I rather face Ryuukotsusei, hell maybe I am him or is being a Dominant worse, that sends the girls running, and the planet spinning, Women Make The World Harder.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 196 ~Love Is Like Will~

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Love in the context of myself is often a dirty word and there a few in this to give you fair warning, there’s also the want of green, and I’m not endorsing PCH, though I still search there but what about for the Man In The Mirror. “Love Is Like Will”

Sunday, January 13, 2019

Episode 196 ~Love Is Like Will~

To Will:
How To Make One Million Dollars, say you have a million dollars, and you’re there, you’re going to get it, but while you’re out, you might as well do a few things before you stop by to pick it up. I remember being heavy into PCH once upon a time, hell you are too, but I’m talking about hours upon hours of play, yeah I honestly missed writing, but I was all in for some simple paper, something green that didn’t make me jealous, sick or more monstrous.

Call it delusion, insanity, obsession, but I never liked it and would I have loved it, if it resulted in my winning… to be like John Wyllie (August 31st, 2012) or Tamar Howard (February 27, 2015). The 27th hurt the most because I remember going into work that day; I was watching the notices and knew that PCH was in town, and how confident was I that all that “hard work” was going to bear fruit, not the job but the games and what happened next? Nearly four years ago, if that had been you we wouldn’t be having this conversation, but again you didn’t want to do any of it, and here you are now, waking up at 2:15 AM every morning, reading, writing, sigh TRYING Six Impossible Things:

  1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 014 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 020 No Fap)
  2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
    Failed
  3. I Will Review Sell My Soul (Sixty Days #1) by Jade West
    Failed
  4. I Will Review Depredation By Natalie Bennett
    Failed
  5. I Will Finish The Art of the Pimp by Dennis Hof
    Completed
  6. I Will Edit One Chapter Of My Newly Written Novel
    Failed

There are days that you hate writing I know; you downright despise it, we can go back to the reason this started, and no I’m not talking about childhood dreams, like most things this is all because of a Bitch (Language), you’re acting like a Pussy (Will)… where’s the positive? The positive is, you can make every day like the 27th, not the failure, frustration, or the train of Fucks (stop already) today could be the day, as your Motivations go. If you want another F here’s one for you, FIGHT, Blessed Cause I Got Fight. The difference between PCH and what you are doing now and yes, you will continue to search with PCH and play the occasional game, not to mention the mailings because honestly, you like money a lot, but you love you and to become someone even better Six Impossible Things:

  1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 020 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
  3. I Will Review Sell My Soul (Sixty Days #1) by Jade West
  4. I Will Review Depredation By Natalie Bennett
  5. I Will Read Deal with the Devil (The Forge Trilogy #1)
  6. I Will Edit One Chapter Of My Newly Written Novel

When you looked at PCH you eventually only looking at other people and yes you don’t like most people… you called the veterinarian a jerk, and he saved B III’s life, and you love Triple B because he sees you. I feel sort of like O’Brien from George Orwell’s book 1984 telling you that you must love yourself, it’s not enough to read the words, to obey what I’m saying but you must look at the man in the mirror and know my friend the truth Love Is Like Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 195 ~So Fear The Willing~

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The only person that should scare me is me and for once maybe not in the usual way, not that I have ever feared failure or success, I would be a monster, and currently, I’m The Walking Dead. So Fear The Willing

Saturday, January 12, 2019

Episode 195 ~So Fear The Willing~

Hey Lady Lu,
How To Make One Million Dollars, Dennis Hof did it, Donald Trump, hell someone even said let’s put sharks in a tornado; if those that they call out for their Depravity, a man that should be despised, something that sounds so dumb can make it? Don’t let me down, that’s what I need to say to the man in the mirror, my son who was crying in my arms, and who I want to become by September, if only I am willing to get there, I’m up.

At 2:15 AM for maybe the past week I have been up, my schedule at the Day Job and I rise, and how many times have I mentioned the “MILFS “well one in particular, I swear that never gets old… Aren’t we all though, which again makes me look at B III, he’s going to be fourteen, and that would put him around seventy-two; the stories he could tell and still that is up to me; seems that is becoming my new mantra. All this week it was, staying positive, the rising cost of living, and again staying awake, and what have I done with all that time, in words, books, savings, forming good habits.

Would you call breathing a habit? They say it’s not the breaths you take but the moments you go without it; now you know I’m a fan of The Walking Dead, which is how I feel but I say fear those who are willing to chase angels, why I’ll tell you honestly. There’s another assertion about the most dangerous of creations be it the man with nothing to lose or the (father) defending his young and aren’t I both? No one Lady Lu despite what pleasures get them there walks into Hell with a smile on their face but when one can walk out with one, and now that’s not always the case I know but Way Down Human Goes.

Nearly all my Motivations point out that it’s those that fall and are willing to get up, those who can go over the other guy (no matter how you look at it) and those that would die to win will. Iron Will, Force Of, 15% Concentrated, yesterday I said I didn’t want to be ashamed of my name, I wrote a whole piece once “Lesson 56 Respect On My Name” but maybe today I only want to remind myself of the man I could be NOW, So Fear The Willing.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 194 ~How Will Goes Unwritten~

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Am I writing good or bad, truth or fiction; I would be rather pleased if I were writing anything at all and the one that I’m doing it all for, could never read one word of it, though he understands, or so I hope, it’s for him. How Will Goes Unwritten?

Friday, January 11, 2019

Episode 194 ~How Will Goes Unwritten~

Hey Lady Sophia,
How To Make One Million Dollars, stop writing checks, although honestly, I don’t remember the last time I ever did, money orders nowadays, though my debit card could probably tell quite a few stories. This week my writings were supposed to be one about positivity, but I might have spoiled that yesterday because I find there are words that even I won’t write and you ask me why not considering the things I do write every day.

For one I refuse to write an obituary for my son, hell no, B III is going to live, and that’s even if I call the Vet he treated him an idiot, doesn’t mean he’s a hero either and haven’t I written plenty that I’m petty amongst other things. Also, I won’t write, “goodbye,” “The End,” or will I remain silent when my child NEEDS something, and I will never write a single regret of having him in my life. Yes, I write of my failures often when it comes to being his father but I will never write than I gave up on him; like I told the man in the mirror as I want to be The Best Man I Can Be, right behind that I need to be the best father ever.

Lady Sophia, I never want to be ashamed of my name ever again, and it’s hard, but with this week, yes I’m turning every negative into a positive because writing out the usual spiel does nothing but keep me in a Mad Season. How about that period when I didn’t want to say that I’m sorry for things that absolutely, positively have nothing to do with me or what about saying the word impossible; well you know that goes with my “mission statement.” If I learned anything from the “Ho Business” yes I’m nearly done with “The Art of the Pimp” and still thinking about dealing with the MILF, I never want to write a deal that I’M the one that’s going to get screwed in the end once again.

Writing is my purpose Lady Sophia and like I was telling “Okay” last night, my “why” is Triple B which means I should honestly get to work, he’s not the only one who needs to live and I already said yesterday I don’t write suicide notes. One more thing, I should never write another excuse as to why I can’t do something or didn’t “TRY,” and never again another statement for the Day Job; I know How Will Goes Unwritten.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 193 ~The Air Of Will~

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Well, the sexy words won’t honestly come today, there is an air of worry and considering “The Art of the Pimp” Mr. Hof says never worry and when once you were working with angels spanking each other amongst other things but no. “The Air Of Will”

Thursday, January 10, 2019

Episode 193 ~The Air Of Will~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
How To Make One Million Dollars, say it, every day when I’m at the day job, there comes the point where I breathe those words and if I can conceive such a thought, then why not ask for more. Hell some people know, for example, the MILF who asked “Will you spank me, will you choke me,” did she believe she would say such things because let’s say that wasn’t my script, devil’s in the details.

My script, you’ll have to excuse me Dirty Diana, but it’s hard to feel all sorts of sexy with the crisis that is my son B III, watching him struggle before his vet appointment, fighting for air. Power, pleasure, pain, as the song goes and all elements of a spanking, hell to spank or to take it. Honestly, I’m down for either; maybe it’s when I was in the 4th or 5th grade and smacking a girl’s ass was the thing to do; I’ve taken spankings when I was a kid, or shall I blame the media. One day we will go over the rudiments of a good spanking, but again my hands, heart, and head are elsewhere, not wanting a swat but a sigh of relief Triple B’s okay.

I’ve read some on masturbation and how we stop breathing, and I’ve watched more than my fair share of “rough” pornos, choking can be a dangerous proposition; but if it turns you on, the things, I’ll “try” right? Truthfully I’m one for the vocal, dirty names, nasty words, moans and screams, and for the majority of my “choking” needs; unless a girl is gagging on my cock… though you don’t want to know how dark I can go with this. Again today is not that day, hearing “Okay” speaking good thoughts about my boy, every breath that he and I take because if he misses one, what will I do?

I’ve never wanted to be the thoughts and prayers type; why not do, I’ll rush into the cold winter air, listen to the cruel words of the vet I hate because I want to hear the natural breathing of family. No submissive with a collar, no release of pleasure or exclamation of pain, the sound of clothes hitting the floor, will ever match my fur baby and I at peace for the night; so much noise in a room full of air Dirty Diana, such is An Air Of Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 192 ~A Will Too Late~

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I believe I do have some pretty cool stuff but keeping some hard cold cash *sigh*, and with enough of it maybe I could stop time for a moment, though more likely buy it or make it. A Will Too Late, no never, I know what time it is

Wednesday, January 9, 2019

Episode 192 ~A Will Too Late~

Forgive Me Echo,
How To Make One Million Dollars, make time, and at present, I’m hoping not to be negative, of course, today is all about sin, “lessons,” but humiliations galore and this is a fact, I’ve never cared for time travel but waking up at 2:15 in the morning… well here are some facts.

Being late for work is not fun, and by the day job’s standards I haven’t been, but of course, I’m thinking of my definition of it, and a positive is, I know I can do better at getting there at a decent time. It’s not only the day job though; I’m doing my absolute best to keep myself busy; today… well call it being flexible, from taking my role at the store to, our conversation now, not overthinking everything Inspector.

At the same time and this is a lesson that bears repeating, (Ha, Ha Bares) the Devil is in the Details, “Okay” told me I should become more descriptive and now I’m saving money because I won’t repeat that teachable moment. I should also thank her for denying my request. When I keep cash, that buys time, and the idea is to make time, and maybe that’s today’s first sin, there seems never to be enough, but I’m paying penance.

I should probably quit paying my internet company; yesterday was the first time I couldn’t post, meaning my Dear Future Wife is pissed; I might be ahead with posts, but I never miss a day. Perhaps it wasn’t a lesson I was asking for but this whole week’s theme is staying up on things, and I have nearly finished reading, no I take that back, one more book down and a library is always waiting.

One more reason I’m not dead; do you know with all of my attempts I never bothered to write a note, so that’s one more idea for a tattoo, one of those semicolons. Indeed it could mean I was never going anywhere. How about what would happen to all my stuff; Inspector Echo if I should be lazy about anything at all, let death be it because it’s never too late to start living now.

Learning, that’s not me being negative, I’m not surviving or honestly living, and that means the way that I want, the way I deserve I know it so I’m sorry I’m discovering here and now is the truth, it is not A Will Too Late.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 191 ~Just One More Will~

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I heard in a softcore um movie once that it’s a disease this thing called love, and if the world didn’t need it so badly I’d go ahead and declare us all zombies, but that’s for one more day maybe? Just One More Will

Tuesday, January 8, 2019

Episode 191 ~Just One More Will~

Dear Future Wife,
How To Make One Million Dollars, when there are only twenty-four hours in a day but as Justin Timberlake/Will Salas said in the movie In Time “A day. You can do a lot in a day.” While I’m grateful for this one, I truly am, I’m also greedy, my first born can attest to that for love is a many splendid thing, love is patient, all you need is love but as I’ve started reading “The Art of the Pimp: One Man’s Search for Love, Sex, and Money.” Not that I’m asking for one more fight but This Love, is everlasting baby-girl.

Suddenly, I love you like one of my novels where I’m saying, one more page, then another minute, maybe let me bookmark one more passage, I’m waking up early to read for one more hour, and now we have a library. I look at B III, and I pray for one more breath of air sometimes… he’s getting older, one more day, he’ll be celebrating his fourteenth birthday in a month, another year, hell I want him protecting one more two-legged sibling, what do you think. Can I have one more girl in my life and then I meet you, then I have Aunt Jemima because I must have my pancakes right and how about Betty Crocker, then I have you in the novels I’m writing, I gain a daughter.

I remember the Genie from Aladdin saying he couldn’t make anyone fall in love, he couldn’t kill, or raise the dead and you can’t ask for more wishes because with those first three you might as well say infinity. I’ll never be religious, too many gods as is but I asked for someone to love (with only two legs), and here we are, forever hoping, wishing, and dreaming of one more word to equal these three, I Love You. Only we don’t need that one more word, a reason there was the invention of the kiss, for but a moment in time, humanity has enough.

Not enough moments like that though so we ask for that one more chance, be it a kiss on the forehead love, our lips meeting, our kids bringing us a smile, I’ll give as many as I can but don’t you want one more. There was a time when I dreamed I was too much and more so believing, I’m not enough but baby I’m yours, and you’re mine, and you ask me, only me incredibly “Just One More Will.”

I Will Have No Fear