Tag: Gospel

Gospel 256 ~Good Uh Normal Braxton~

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Hate is not normal. Unless you’re my Dad, the Day Job, The Devil… well, actually, I’m enjoying Eric Vall’s Succubus Lord series. It’s wrong, though, to feel good about anything without Braxton. Being bereft of love now? “Good Uh Normal Braxton,” nope

Sunday, March 14, 2021

Gospel 256 ~Good Uh Normal Braxton~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, but “why can’t you just be normal?” What am I saying, huh? Braxton’s been gone six weeks.

If anything, he was the closest to happiness you were ever going to get. Again not that I would know. Last night I had a “nightmare” about a car crash. As the song goes, “the dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had.” I wonder what B III dreamed of sometimes. It couldn’t be dying, and I’m not saying that animals don’t understand it. Braxton never lost anyone to it. You don’t remember what life was like before Braxton, but you don’t want to either. For the last week, I have kept up with a routine, well, at least until Friday. Grief has been normal but if I were to talk about, let’s say, apocalypse prep. Braxton’s gone, so the world’s ended.

You wish, don’t you? I wouldn’t blame you for curling back under the covers and falling asleep now. Denial, Depression, and demons of all shapes and sizes, even before Braxton’s death. These things were considered normal. Normal, fuck that, absolutely. Pardon the language but wouldn’t THEY say that hate isn’t normal? You hate you, right? At the moment, though, it’s the Day Job. They disturbed your moment of silence for Braxton. How about fucking up your schedule and expecting you to what, just go on? Dammit, be good, be normal, and not crazy. Should I repeat everything, you’re going to do this week yet again. Well, springing forward isn’t helping now, is it? Another first without Braxton, sigh. Now in that regard, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, “My Dark Vanessa” Kate Russell
    Completed
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, Braxton’s Albums
    Failed
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 072 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 079) No Fap
  5. I Am Cleaning Out The Refrigerator (Braxton’s Last Meal)
    Failed
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

How about failing time and time again that’s the normal state of affairs? You even asked Braxton for strength and what? Well, you did read and then spent a half-hour looking up more books. While we’re on the subject, you can’t go spending cash as I did on Saturday, ok? Like watching Songbird on Amazon Prime. I wanted to feel things other than anger for a bit. Without it, you’ll move onto Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. Hell, you woke up depressed again. It’s a constant state but living in denial, that’s “the new normal” for you. As with Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, “Succubus Lord 10” Eric Vall
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, Braxton’s Albums
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 079 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I Am Cleaning Out The Refrigerator (Braxton’s Last Meal)
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am

Braxton was a good boy, time to get on his level being a good man? Already Bargaining ain’t that right, friend. Good Uh Normal Braxton

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 255 ~This “H” For Braxton~

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While my heart remains broken, you’ll be surprised what Anger can heal. Why won’t people allow me my Denial instead of driving me into Anger? Heroes don’t bury their children but their parents. My OLDS are fine, but for now. This “H” For Braxton

Saturday, March 13, 2021

Gospel 255 ~This “H” For Braxton~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I can’t recognize myself anymore. Plenty of people are telling me who I am.

Hulk as in The Hulk, which I turned into yesterday morning. It seems the more I try to live in my Denial that Braxton Is Dead. People are dedicated to shoving me into Anger. Were you ever having a moment of silence, Luna and the phone rings with bad news? I’m a man of routine, and there I am saying, “Good Morning Braxton, I miss you,” and the Day Job calls telling me I’m missing work. I yelled over the phone, and less than an hour later, I’m shouting at two women at work. If B III had been here, would I have cared, hmm? Not that I’m angry at him, nor at vets. It’s starting with me and then the rest of the world.

Hunk of burning love, made into a hellish rage. The hackers, the scammers, and who else? I’m sure people aren’t joining “my” Facebook Group because I’m handsome or an incredible writer. No, my dear Braxton “IS” the cute one. He allowed me to write constantly. Still, M Anime said I have a nice smile, and she likes it when I smile. Of course, it was with a picture of Braxton. Don’t women love guys in uniform or with their kids? My hoodies don’t count, and without Braxton, I mean damn.

I don’t smile much anymore and without masks… Lady Luna, I haven’t been thinking much about women, to be honest. Dare I say I’ve become asexual at this point. The life and family I pictured, Braxton, won’t meet or love.

Hercules, I am not. Now, didn’t Hercules kill his family? Kratos did as well and wore their ashes. Well, aren’t I wearing a pendant with some of Braxton’s “remains?” Great minds, right, considering I spent yesterday night reading in the blackness. It was all about Jacob and making demon lords. I’m about to piss off many REAL parents, but have you ever heard “the smallest coffins are the heaviest to carry”? I don’t know how I did it, Lady Lu and I could never do it again; it’s too much. But that hasn’t stopped me from looking up Deer Head Chihuahuas now has it, Lu. Would I instead make myself Sisyphus or be the Hulk, a hunk, or Hercules, no.

Let me hurt rather than hate. This H For Braxton

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 254 ~Braxton’s The New Kid~

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Braxton and I enjoy routine. I owe my Day Job an apology or maybe not. I didn’t cry laying another treat because they called, and I had to yell at a new person. I hope no one yelled at Braxton when he got to where he was going. Braxton’s The New Kid.

Friday, March 12, 2021

Gospel 254 ~Braxton’s The New Kid~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I can afford drugs to stop shaking? I can’t stop shaking Braxton’s meds, though.

The good news is that nobody’s around to see it. Braxton and I have been apart longer than this. He lived with his grandparents for some two months as Daddy “wandered the desert.” A sad story, my story, but I really don’t want to reminisce. Oh, focusing on B now? Braxton’s first day as the new kid. I’m sure I’ve told the tale a million times. One night I’m speaking with my mom when in walks my “Dad” with this little ball of fluff no bigger than his hand. The runt of the litter and a gift to my little sister, B’s future, her purse. Makes her sound like Cruella de Vil but no. Braxton was brave in this land full of giants; such courage.

More than he could ever say for me. When I was leaving for Indiana Gone’s wedding, I didn’t believe my boy would like the trip “Duh.” Instead, I sent him to The Dog Stop. It was the first time Braxton would be left overnight with his “peers.” I was terrified. Braxton didn’t have to sit with the principal, warden, concierge. The place was a mix of all three, school, prison, hotel. Am I being mean? Well, B III wasn’t, or so I was told. The hippy-dippy collar he wore until… They gave that to him and said he was a delight. They made me do a bit of thinking about how Braxton feels he has to protect me. He relaxed. He “IS” a good boy.

A good man, I should say, my son, a prince, my brother. Only now I had to be brave for him. I mean, wasn’t I always when it came to the vets? In his younger days, he would growl, and he would fight. In time he didn’t anymore; it was only “can we go home?” When Braxton opened his eyes again, he’d be the new kid. As the song goes, “No father wants his son to repeat the wrongs his daddy’s done.” More like “If I had just one wish, only one demand. I hope he’s not like me. I hope he understands.” Wherever he is, he’s new, it’s new, it’s better because of him. I need to believe that, PLEASE. Braxton’s The New Kid.

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 253 ~How Braxton WARMED Me~

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I should go for a walk, take a hot shower, burn rubber and attend to the errands that I’ve been neglecting as of late. No, I rather stay in Braxton’s hoodie or wrap myself in blankets and figure out how to avoid Hell; too late. How Braxton WARMED Me.

Thursday, March 11, 2021

Gospel 253 ~How Braxton WARMED Me~

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Are you waiting for me now? “Hope the weather’s good and it’s not too hot.”

No, not like that, Braxton. To quote another song, “isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?” Here I am in Hell, and God saw fit to adopt my Cerberus. I want to be all Ethan Montgomery and scream out; you’re mine. Any luck hearing me yet? It’s been thirty-eight days, Braxton. Maybe the angels needed something to do in their downtime? I bet you have them running, huh. Are they like your first or second moms, all furry, lovey-dovey? Indiana Gone says hi,” I had her crying again, missing you, and you wouldn’t want that, right? Talking to her Tuesday, she asked about, let’s say, “stuff and thangs? Am I trying to get to Heaven, the Rainbow Bridge, or wherever… never seeing you again? That’s Hell

Or it could be that I spend so much time under the covers. I don’t know if I’m waiting for COVID or the weather is making me regret the walks we missed. I’ve been talking a lot about food lately, and I think stuffing my face makes me sick. It’s with you being gone, B. I’m trying to find other things to be mad at. Now don’t go hiding under any beds. I’m not angry at you, the vets, the people who saw you last… Braxton, I wish I’d been there. I’ve cried enough to douse so many fires now? I’m sweating bullets for you because no sin could be worse. “I’ll never let you down,” but oh look, there’s your name on paper there.

“Burn rubber but not your soul,” How’s the traffic, some car rides from here to there. If I had been a day faster, Wednesday, you were crying, Thursday you seemed okay, Friday, the vet. I have replayed those last days over and over, and if it wasn’t wrath, sloth, greed.
Son, what you don’t understand is I wanted to give us that life we dreamed of. I wanted you to be wrapped up in warmth, days out in the sun. Your siblings would be raining food on you in every direction. Should I be jealous future wife likes you better? B III, I’m hoping you’re not angry with me or even whoever thought they could love you better. Only everyone knows, How Braxton Warmed Me.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Gospel 252 ~Braxton Was Full Of…~

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How many times would Braxton come running into my room, and I would have to check his bathroom pad, or I would ask, “B Squared, did you eat everything?” My bed feels wrong when he isn’t cuddled beside me or, on the end, guarding. Braxton Was Full Of…

Wednesday, March 10, 2021

Gospel 252 ~Braxton Was Full Of…~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I’m “hanging tough, staying hungry,” as the song goes. As Braxton did, towards The End.

Belly pains hint that I should join him. No, I’m not starving Inspector Echo. You should have heard me rattling off food choices to Indiana Gone. Steak and Potato Soup, Buffalo Wings, Shrimp & Pasta, Boston Market Salisbury Steak. Not quite three squares a day. Remember how much I would share with Braxton? Sometimes I think my hands have forgotten how to move. If I’m not letting B III dabble, then I’m making a mess of myself. I keep saying it, but maybe that’s why I’m picking stuff that I didn’t give or I couldn’t. Always going to Subway now (no fries). I’m jonesing for onion rings. My nephew was here, and we talked about why I had gummy bears and didn’t like chocolate much.

X-Men, Pokemon, what cartoons do the kids watch these days? Braxton is easy. When he isn’t stuffing his face or pretending to, much to my shame. Braxton is filling his little deer-head full of intel. Sundays, he’s quiet, TWD; we’d ride out the apocalypse together. The truth, and I’ve never said this aloud, but at least when B III barks, he is trying to help me somehow. Other than Indiana Gone, M Anime, Cherry, and my mom, people’s words are only noise. It’s like being stuck in Charlie Brown’s world, but he’ll always have Snoopy. Oh, and I’m not discounting people on Facebook, the Mamas, the Papas, the Grandma. Braxton’s Life Matters. It is full of love, or so I try to tell myself now.

Okay, I talked to Indiana Gone (second BFF) last night, and it started innocently enough. With Triple B gone, I’m touched starved. I don’t know how I would “Just Survive Somehow” in 2020. Inspector Echo, no matter what, 2021 is the worst year imaginable, January 31. Anyway, we talked about me having friends, and I reminded her how I keep score. Then I looked around at the table full of Braxton’s treats, his full water bowl. His pillow empty, aside from his toy. In my room is his empty bed with his last collar. Around my neck is his pendant full of… Braxton, his remains, his spirit, what speck of him did they get, hmm?

Vacancies in Heaven, why my Braxton? Braxton Was Full Of…

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 251 ~Worries And Wrinkles Braxton~

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I must be getting old, as I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. Has it really been only thirty-seven days so far? To be fair, how am I supposed to be looking into the future now? Love can’t tell time, and still, I have “Worries And Wrinkles Braxton.”

Tuesday, March 9, 2021

Gospel 251 ~Worries And Wrinkles Braxton~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now and still a father. Only when you lose a child… and I know, how dare I.

I’ve been getting that a lot for five weeks. People telling me what my son IS, WAS, NOT. Waking up “late” this morning, I saw this thing on Youtube about Leela from Futurama. They thought she was an “Alien” initially, but she was a “Mutant” actually. Because she was an alien, that made her special but being a mutant would have her living in the sewer. There are also those people that lavish great attention on their pets. Hell, they’re treated better than people. Love, being not only a feeling but action, I find myself amongst them. Eternally, Braxton will be my son. There were only fifteen years, one month in my arms. One month, one week, two days, gone. We grew old; we grow old together. Love never dies.

“Love can’t tell time,” either, as I heard in a movie once. I met him when I was around twenty-one. My love, when we got together, um, wow. As the song goes, “and they call it puppy-love” and somebody else, “you say it’s puppy love, we say it’s full-grown,” yep. Young people right, and then we had our kids, and suddenly I’m an “Old Man.” I still envision how that would be for Braxton. How many times have I said it, B III with a little beard? His tan hair is turning grey as he lay there between the children protecting them. Painful for them to see how this turned out, and I would worry. You worry about me going crazy, thirty-seven days and counting.

Braxton’s first day of “school” was when I had to go out of town. I took him in, hoping he would make friends and be happy. He had the girls chasing him; I had to give him “the talk.” On those last days, the words “I’ll help you” keep echoing in my ears. Did I?
Then I’m supposed to act like, what a “dog owner?” My Olds have already returned to “factory settings” after what “three weeks.” My mother told me she was glad I wasn’t dead, and my “father…” let me know if you find someone who knows he has a son at all. Like father like son, how much did I acknowledge Braxton and my love for him? My Worries And Wrinkles Braxton.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 250 ~Consider Threats Like Any Invitation~

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I killed him. I’ll never forget it was my fault, my responsibility, my failure. When my Olds moved, I said to him, “Get in the car, Braxton.” inviting him into my life. He gave me the gift of his. If I had known… Consider Threats Like Any Invitation.

Monday, March 8, 2021

Gospel 250 ~Consider Threats Like Any Invitation~

Hundred And Seventy-Eighth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but Braxton IS priceless…still. The things I bought to keep us safe.

I grabbed my gun last night when I heard noises coming from downstairs. Once “something fell,” I never figured out what. So I grabbed B III and left him upstairs as I took one of my knives and my phone to go looking everywhere. Easy to be black and die. Not that I mean to be political today, or am I sick of crying every morning? So many times, I’ve said my biggest fear IS leaving him. Not once did I consider he would leave me. I’m not STUPID, but B is going to live forever, I would tell myself. I’d die protecting my boy. When I saw his sickness, it was like, Braxton is strong, a fighter, he’ll beat it; “there goes My Hero.”

Like his Old Man, he could be a villain too. Braxton and I had our fights from time to time. Hell, how many times did I swear I would never become like my “father?” I have a whole house to hide in, and B III will hide under the bed. God, don’t make me terrifying. Madam Justice, one of my favorite ways to wake up in the morning would be Braxton and me back to back. I would be facing the door, his greatest enemy, and he would face alarms. Yeah, one of the reasons I finally made it back to the table… I hate my Day Job, so write. Write about all the enemies we had, people, places, and things. Brothers against the world

It would be easier to count out those things that brought us peace. Yet again, why I hate myself, I brought Braxton into a life of fear, so much so that he would seek it out. Even when there was nothing there, he would bark as though to ward off evils I could not stop. The Dog Stop told me that Braxton IS so mean because he wanted to protect me always, but when it was my turn? I wanted to protect everyone from him.

Suppose I’d been braver, more brazen, appreciative of the beauty of this whole world. Finding bliss, a semblance of peace. Holding him on that last day, it wasn’t that. When he became mine, “Get in the car, Braxton,” I said. Consider Threats Like Any Invitation

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 249 ~Braxton “The Belly” Bully~

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Now, where did I leave it; seven more treats, water, a clean bathroom pad, and yep his food in the fridge, but I can’t throw any of it away. I should at least check that back left from Thanksgiving. “Braxton “The Belly” Bully,” I’d buy him all the fries.

Sunday, March 7, 2021

Gospel 249 ~Braxton “The Belly” Bully~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, and even if you hired another maid, she better not touch any of Braxton’s things all around.

But what brings this on today? You haven’t been downstairs yet, but in a few minutes… Yep, I thought about it yesterday. You’ll go into your bag of treats, setting down another one in his room to go uneaten. How about shaking the meds left and calling out to him? Believing it’s crazy and knowing it’s day thirty-five and you’re crying, yet again. Five weeks and you’re still here, and he’s still gone. Hell, you’ve starved yourself for less. You’re remembering how Braxton was dying; maybe why you eat so much now. Eating for two? Not if you look in that bag leftover from Thanksgiving. Whatever’s left in there must be a new species. If you wanted to die, since you forgot Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 065 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 072) No Fap
  2. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Writing “Look A Thing Like Santa”
    Failed
  5. I AM Finishing Gathering, Braxton’s Albums
    Partial Completion
  6. I AM Finishing Reading, “Succubus Lord 9” Eric Vall
    Failed

Enough about your own belly and back to Braxton’s, always Braxton’s or not. You’re still buying sour gummy bears, worms, straws, what have you. Only you’ve been going more for chocolate, no fries, more onion rings, trips to Subway. It’s good, which means it’s bad. Like keeping Braxton’s memory alive, but what about his Last Meal? You were just in the kitchen, and what did you do? Organizing B III’s pills, the halves, and the ones you need to take back for Banfield for them to cut. Only that will never happen. There’s no reason. His food, though… what must it look like? As always, his water dish is full. The dry food is in the fridge; everything is waiting. So are Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, “My Dark Vanessa” Kate Russell
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, Braxton’s Albums
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 072 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I Am Cleaning Out The Refrigerator (Braxton’s Last Meal)
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am

It’s been a long time since you fixed the order. Food, parking spaces, this? Chances are, like me, you’ll only get the same two completed despite having all the time in the world this week. It would be for the best if you didn’t spend it eating and sleeping. Braxton would consider it time well spent. He did like to spend some time walking, working off one of those pounds, didn’t he. What about a belly rub? Please don’t open that bag of his hair. It’s one of the last things you have. Remember to eat breakfast but no sharing. Dammit, at this point, you would give him the plate. Like when he was young. When we were young, you and Braxton “The Belly” Bully.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 248 ~SUM Of Braxton’s Parts~

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My foot hurts, my back, I’m still itchy, and as for a cure for a broken heart… Braxton wasn’t an M.D., but he always knew when something was wrong and what was worse. If only I had been better at that, he would be here instead. SUM Of Braxton’s Parts

Saturday, March 6, 2021

Gospel 248 ~SUM Of Braxton’s Parts~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I rather “dance with my puppy” again, for the record “Dance With My Father” blah.

And blah is what I should be saying about all my pain… physically at least. I smashed a toe at the Day Job under a carton of shoes. As has become my habit, I thought of my son with the hurt, and that was that. Watching Braxton leaving me, dying. There is no worse pain Lady Luna. I’ve said before with all my anxiety and terror, there is no greater fear for me anymore. I’m a black man “living” in America; let the cops come. I can’t tell you I love my “father,” but I no longer fear him. Braxton was scared of him too. That brings me to today’s point. B III did so much for me, all “look daddy no hands,” my boy.

He’s still sitting there on the nightstand. His paw prints, the small bag of hair, “The Box” (for those of you keeping score, my second cry of the day). Thirty-Four days ago, there was my alarm clock, two tins full of cash, my knives. Braxton would wake me up anyway.
Well, not for the Day Job, but he was always here, after. Right now, he would probably be sitting on my foot, knowing that it hurts. You won’t believe me, but if I were sick, he would carry my blanket. And sometimes nudge me to my bedroom and welcoming covers. Crying would be something new to him. He whined, and all I wanted to do was sleep. As for now, I’m dead, or it’s never.

If he wasn’t trying to earn his M.D., he was a different sort of alarm, Triple B Security, that’s what. He protected the house every day and, of course, me. It’s still scary, and to be honest, I had only touched my gun once a few days ago; frightening thoughts. Only Braxton was all about my health. I don’t remember the last time I took a walk. To work, shop, but I don’t really shop now. I think I said Subway and a bucket of chicken. I never bought Braxton anything from the Day Job. Otherwise, I’d be more broke. Saving money and losing it; a man of contradiction. I need Braxton here to show that I’m not crazy. There’s only SUM of Braxton’s Parts.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 247 ~Thinking Outside The Braxton~

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Think outside the box. There was a time that I wanted to be a veterinarian. Don’t care for people, but I love dogs. Not the one in Duck Hunt. Braxton watched me play games, watch movies, but I never saw myself save him. “Thinking Outside The Braxton”

Friday, March 5, 2021

Gospel 247 ~Thinking Outside The Braxton~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so maybe I’ll buy the first machine that tells me what dogs think. What Braxton thinks

Like Father, Like Son, so that would be a waste of money. He likes to walk around the block. A black man with his Mexican kid. Now is there a more sensible way to say that? Well, as the song goes AHEM, “First let me explain I’m just a black man” okay, he’s a Chihuahua. My favorite place is in bed, and he was under it. I’ll hide under the covers from who knows what, and he hid underneath. No, I think I got the know. We don’t like people, Sophia. Dead people… When I would babysit him back when he belonged to my sister, he was a Disney fan. My sister hated what I would watch, but my “father” actually chewed her out. Surprise

She wasn’t training him, so for hours, I would watch for his bathroom time. You know TWD is back, so how was my first Sunday without him? Say it with me, Lady Sophia, “I cried.” One more thing I need to give up. Um, I’m trying chocolate, onion rings, breathing. How about some happiness? I still won’t say it, but the best of times was when Braxton was boxed in between Indiana Gone and I.

Movie Nights, and for a few hours, Braxton had a family. I was glad, and he was happy. If I could get out of my own head like my little boy. If he weren’t thinking about me, it’s “what’s in that cold box?” “Why are you in the water room?”

I should give B III way more credit. How many times have I asked why didn’t he like the car? Um, it never went well for him. The vet, the groomers, even if it was a new place to walk, we’d have to come home. “It’s too hot,” or “don’t leave me, Dad.” As always. But sitting on that bench when he was taken from me and was returned. I swear I’ve never thought of this house as a home. Happiness, home, have a heart, that was all my Braxton. A gift I saw wiggling one day in my father’s hands given to someone else. Braxton chose me, lived in this house, died in my arms. Now he’s in a box. Thinking Outside The Braxton.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton