Tag: History

Lesson 312 ~Like A Light Switch~

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I wish happiness were as easy to turn on like everything else in my life, hell like myself in some cases but while I’m avoiding some things, let’s hope a smile will not be my undoing. “Like A Light Switch”

Wednesday, May 9, 2018

Lesson 312 ~Like A Light Switch~

Forgive Me Echo,
Can You Love Me Again, yeah like I once loved HBO, Showtime, Cinemax, or those afternoons watching “Toonami” or staying up late to watch *gasp* Adult Swim, such were the days before the Internet for me? If I never told you the story before about how I discovered “Hentai” I got two words for you… “Tenchi Muyo!” and just like that, you may bring on the darkness.

So what exactly is today’s sin, maybe it’s a loss of control, I did something today, and it’s one thing when you sin without forethought but to do so when you have experience and those who don’t learn from history… I suppose I am feeling quite blessed today but I swear to you here and now it will go no further on my part, yeah and every “aficionado” says they’re going to kick and what happens next? Is it fair to call me an addict and to be honest I don’t know why I stopped, though am I seeing any benefit; I might have been smart enough to steer clear.

“Never trust a big butt and smile” Bell Biv Devoe

On the other hand, I found something stronger than terror and forgive me for embracing fear, but it keeps you alive, and I don’t even know why I’m stressing, I was yesterday, and here I am today. What about this, the boldness, the daring, the audacity to call myself a dominant when I can’t do something as simple as making friends and especially at such a fragile time in my life. Disappointing as well as tomorrow you know who is coming by and if nothing happens then I have squandered my opportunity, and I won’t be able to make another move, my hands will be tied; instead of hers right…

“Rule number 32: Enjoy the little things.” ― Zombieland (2009)

Aren’t my hands tied already or sleeping like the rest of me because it’s the only way I can find to stop worrying but then again, remember, remember, the fifth of November, almost the same circumstances though I’m not that far gone. Was I practicing self-abstinence then too; if anything I feel somewhat like a kid again when my “adult entertainment” consisted of a binder full of porn and sneaking past library internet safety guidelines.

So will you forgive me Inspector Echo, for the misguided youngster I once was, the stress of youth desired, remembered, and history ignored, my addiction to beautiful women, or calling myself a dominant and my pursuit of the perfect submissive; turned on so casually I’ll say Like A Light Switch?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 307 ~Right To Remain Told~

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I have my answer for last week, a story that’s timeless would have to be Star Wars but nowadays if you want a tale as old as time I have one word for you… RACISM but today can’t I be happy it’s Star Wars Day? Right To Remain Told.

Friday, May 04, 2018

Lesson 307 ~Right To Remain Told~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I Am Not Fine Today, and no it’s not because the Sith, the Empire, or even The First Order fail; if anything I find myself in good company, and with that Happy Star Wars Day. To think such a story was once shunned and has become a massive powerhouse, I still hate that idea the winners write history,” and I still believe history is told from the survivors but call it history, prophecy, fiction, truth, they’re words.

People hear what they wish, but that doesn’t mean we should remain silent; at least not always anyway, as I have talked plenty about being loud, being heard, and the world needs that. It’s just too much damn noise now with all the gunshots, the fear as so many hearts beat a little bit faster, the marching in the street, the hatred that’s spewed and anonymous tips falsely reported. So yeah I’ve been reading today about two native American young men who were kicked out of a college tour as they were quiet… seriously Lady Sophia how do I even keep my job, almost didn’t?

Didn’t I say before that people speak of quiet like it’s a goddamn crime, and now their story is being written and bring on the noise, and there should be a ruckus, but people would prefer they hush. What about Star Wars, George Lucas was told to go away, that his story would not amount to anything and look at him now, well better look at Disney actually but still he became God. When it comes to my novel though I have to admit the biggest enemy, the one telling me to remain silent, the one I know that doesn’t believe well “It’s Gonna Be Me,” yeah terribly corny right?

I wish I could say my work is corny or anything that easy, what about my plan of making a poetry book and yeah today is a holiday because I am a nerd but any other day I’m just freaking lazy. No promises but I do want people to know, hell I write every day and just like my poetry collection I’m approaching the year mark aren’t I, and even if I’m speaking into the void, I haven’t known silence.

One day my poems, stories, and life will make excellent kindling, and you can take that however you wish, and while I have the right to remain silent on my views, I also have the precious “Right To Remain Told.”

I Will Have No Fear

Four More Years, Days, Pages

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The great, the amazing Johan Twiss, though that might be giving him too much credit, then again I gave this book five stars too and would you honestly like to know why I would do such a thing Four More Years, Days, Pages

“Sometimes I just wished life could be different”
4 Years Trapped in My Mind Palace

From the get-go, this is way more than four, five stars all the way and normally I don’t start with a rating but this is truly an awesome read. Now I’ve read Johan Twiss’s work before and to be honest I felt somewhat pressured to rank him somewhat high but with this work, I would give the guy more stars if I could, talk about having only seen the tip of the iceberg and I wish more books could be like this, just amazingly wow.

I’m not even sure what to call this genre since the first book of his I read “I AM SLEEPLESS: Sim 299 (Volume 1)” was clearly a sci-fi but with “4 Years Trapped in My Mind Palace” if I must compare it to anything it would be Andrew Davidson’s “The Gargoyle” just tuned for a younger demographic but don’t get me wrong, being an adult this book is amazing. Now the author sent me a free copy for an honest review and with my last review, I thought the sci-fi wording was somewhat wonky and while this is clearly a different sort of book, Johan clearly did his research. He even goes into detail about his research which means he is clearly hoping his fans might get him… message received Mr. Twiss and well done.

Usually, I’m one to talk about cliché and not to toot my own horn but I read plenty, I’m no critic but anybody who’s anybody will tell you I know my references but this story is quite unique and original. The rare form of “meningitis” for example, I’m sure most people would have gone straight for comatose but Aaron is quite active for someone that can’t move at all. As he is drawn into his Mind Palace we are drawn into him and as far as moving, I couldn’t turn the pages fast enough really.

Is it too soon to mention Solomon the great, Solomon the amazing, how about Solomon the wise, I’m sure the author mentioned King Solomon. Most can only hope for such a life, keeping in mind the joy and pain, sunshine and rain… something from my own memory/mind palace and that’s another thing the music, I swear I can hear it.

“People do this to me all the time. For some reason, they feel compelled to share their life problems and hidden secrets with me. Probably because I’m like a pet dog that can’t talk back. All I can do is sit and listen, even if I don’t want to”
― from Johan Twiss, 4 Years Trapped in My Mind Palace

You’ll find no, stop me if you’ve heard this from me today, at least not story wise, again I’ve somewhat seen the concept in The Gargoyle, Forrest Gump, and probably a hospital drama here and there but the story is an original and between you and me it beats interesting, truth be told I hate when people call my work interesting. Aaron Greenburg deserves so much more along with Solomon and most of the other characters, some were only bits but you felt for all of them, even Dr. Idiot.

So if you’re still listening how exactly would I sum this up, not that you shouldn’t already be looking this up for yourself… Aaron Greensburg has meningitis which prevents him from moving and speaking, his only respite being his mind palace until he meets Solomon who has the ability to hear Aaron’s mind and opens him up to his own history, from boxing to jazz, to World War II and if you want a trip to Disneyland or should I say Wonderland this is the book for you. My third favorite character has to be Solomon’s granddaughter Sarah, not trying to spoil anything yet but I would like to read more of Aaron’s future, immediate future while the ending itself is awesome.

As for the other characters, there was no waste, each character if only for a few pages was developed and felt so real; unique, original, leaving not a single doubt in my mind. Speaking of the mind, I sort of see Aaron’s mind palace as a video game or at best VR but when he began experiencing Solomon’s dreams and dementia, that was a whole new way to fly, Matrix parallel could be. The story brought out so much in me, can’t say I was much into jazz but my aunt would play her classics on the radio and tell stories here and there about her life sometimes.

Also while the author is being so creative, I like how he puts a bit of himself I mean his own experiences in this and he doesn’t sugarcoat any of it. Well, I take that back but I wished for just a moment to be sixteen again, did I mention how much I adored Aaron and Sarah throughout the story.

“Nothing hurts a man’s ego like hearing a pretty girl talk about all the cute guys she likes. Guys who are not him, that is”
― Johan Twiss, 4 Years Trapped in My Mind Palace

If you think I’ve oversold this book or you think I just talk too much, five stars and go out and get it because I’ll have to buy a physical copy myself and I’m about to spoil some of it. Is there anything that I don’t like about this book… *crickets chirp*, *tumbleweed drifts by* ahem okay so I’ll save that for the end huh.

The book has several Forrest Gump moments, as Aaron is inserted into pivotal moments in Solomon’s past and it comes out when both JJ and Big Tom compare Aaron to the person that helped Solomon and them as well, mind blown. There are grown women that need to be more like Sarah, I mean come on, a guy that always listens, thinks you’re the most beautiful thing ever, and is willing to do anything, even learn how to talk; a friend of mine and I agree that guys will literally do anything for a pretty girl which makes the ending even more spectacular. There are too many moments between Solomon and Aaron that I enjoyed so maybe another great scene I’ll leave with is the Valentine’s Day dance, so sweet.

Okay, I’m slightly annoyed that now I’m going to have to look up some jazz on Youtube, Blue In Green or how about that Jack Dempsey fight? The idea that I read the first book and was wondering how I was going to spend this title and now I’m stopping myself from typing awesome about a thousand times like doing a term paper in school. Speaking of school, perhaps that’s the only flaw, that ever so slightly I felt like I was reading some historical narrative I suppose but only really comes out at the end as Johan Twiss attempts to explain himself, like telling a joke but then having to explain it, I get it and there is so much he is trying to say and didn’t want to tick off the history buffs.

Five stars anyway but now the bar has been set, the first book he sent was a solid three but I went one higher because… anyway if I become a fan of Johan Twiss, two points is a line, three points a pattern, usually singers have to get me to like five songs, an author has to get five stars but shall I dare call myself a fan? This book hooked me, from start to finish and what higher praise is there that I want a physical copy for my traditional library, anyway I didn’t want Aaron to be stuck like that forever but really Four More Years, Days, Pages.

“Kid, some things in life just are what they are because God allows it to be so. Maybe we’re not meant to know all the answers. Maybe we’re not ready for them yet. Knowing them now won’t change a thing, and trying to figure it out will just take up our time and leave us with more questions. I’m old, and I don’t have much time to waste. I prefer to live life as it comes, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll get the answers to my questions after I die”
― Johan Twiss, 4 Years Trapped in My Mind Palace

 

 

Lesson 040 ~Do Better Next Time~

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Tell me you’ll do better next time and I’ll believe you, almost makes me crack up and I believe you or I believe in you is a story for another time. Do Better Next Time, if such a time does come?

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Lesson 040 ~Do Better Next Time~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, I’ll do better next time, you know one of these days I’m going to make a list of the words and phrases I hate the most in the English language but today it’s these four simple words. You know you only get one chance at a first impression and today I think I blew one, okay two, probably a few more I wasn’t that observant.

“I’ll do better next time.

German.

I’ll do better next time.

Italian.

I’ll do better next time.

Spanish.

Spanish.

Did you really want me to snap your neck?” Hanna (2011)

I’m still thinking with that old world mentality that I’m not sure I’ll even see tomorrow so why bother doing my best, even when it comes to you Lady Lu, when will I see you again or I’ll do better next time. Ironically isn’t that why I should try my best because it’s with this I’ll be remembered; give me a reason to stay here, with all my work I don’t want my parents getting rich off me at some point. Another reason not to mince words and say whatever I feel… yeah, I’m afraid.

Maybe I’m just an idiot you know, I mean however are you supposed to introduce yourself to someone when you don’t really know yourself. That’s no secret, it’s just I like to think I know parts of myself, the gross parts according to some, yet another reason I hate looking in the mirror, hell I didn’t know who I would meet today. Isn’t everybody in the same boat when that comes to me, you know better than anyone my friend.

Isn’t that what I’m always talking about, evolving and like any mutant this is not always welcome and it can be a far within as easily as a fight without but once you make that first impression… Well I think everything else comes off as an impersonation but then again at least I’m honest, a bad type of honest sadly.
“And I doubt you’ve ever dared to love anybody that much. And look at you… I don’t see an intelligent, confident man… I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you’re a genius, Will. No one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you.” Good Will Hunting

Speaking of honesty do you know how many times I have rehearsed my tirade for my coworkers only to say nothing at all when the time comes. Hell in a way it’s good to know I’m not alone in this, I’ll do better next time when it comes to working.

At the rate things are going at work I will have plenty of opportunities to have a first impression and I will have some people so confused; I’m not much of a trainer in the day job aspect. Going back to the dirty I could tell you exactly what I want who I am but even role play might be a symptom of something, maybe, you think? With the first impressions maybe I should go wreck a few more across the board, it might help me get over the last impression I gave Ms. Seasons.

You should have seen me this morning Luna, I should have seen myself but I felt that overwhelming dread, just like when there was all that trouble with “Senseless” for days on end I was just stomping hard as if I could crush the memory, caveman. I wonder what sort of impression I give off to animals, these days I’m so scared as to how Braxton sees me. Here’s a start, I see myself as his father, no ifs, and, or buts, only if I am anything like my father I’m pretty screwed; these final impressions can be pretty bad.

Not that Braxton is going anywhere of course except to the groomers, I still wonder how the people at PetSmart see me, I mean no one wants to be looked at as the negligent parent. With how many ticks they have pulled off of him, what do I think about, I’ll do better next time but sometimes we don’t have the luxury of a next time, do it right first.

“Your “best”! Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.” John Mason, The Rock

How about we forget about meeting people and just think about the general everyday interaction, for example, this guy I saw who helped these women in Walmart. What about how hard it is to remember all these things I’ve been trying to teach myself and put them together into something that passes for a human.

I’m not so upset about the store because of those women, I saw were of no interest to me but I do like to think of myself as a gentleman, look at that, dog dad, gentleman, things that nobody gets from me the first time around. Anyway so this guy, old guy helps these women with a big carton of water, I just had to admit that the man has class, or maybe I’m digging too deep into this. Who knows if they’ll ever meet again but the fact is, how do you think they saw this guy if I was so impressed with him?

To this day I can tell you about the first brunette that ever got to me and after her, well there has never been any other type of girl for me. Was it simply the look of her, her kindness, her voice, her eyes, I mean everything and nothing, so you don’t have to ask me why it hurt so much, by comparison, Ms. Seasons was… anyway, this first brunette back in junior college nearly got me kicked out of school. The more things change, and our final impressions of each other, what she thought of me, I honestly don’t want to remember because it will be so much worse.

So what have we learned today, repeating history, first impressions are everything and confusing to those around us but even worse when there is a battle within. Lady Lu, to be fair today was a bit easier but I’m not where I need to be, I’ll Do Better Next Time.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 033 ~Courage to Say No~

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From the man who was once the yes man and will probably be again in a different light but today is all about knowing no. “Courage to Say No”, I need the courage to say anything really but let’s start small

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Lesson 033 ~Courage to Say No~

Hey Lady Lu,
No fear, I’m going to constantly be reminding me myself and it’s a good beginning for our lesson because while the overall goal is to become fearless, no is the word I’m having trouble with today. Reminds me of something out of the Planet of the Apes series, and isn’t that all of us, just a bunch of apes with our hair standing on end at the sound of that word… no.

“Teacher only reverted to type under provocation. He… he spoke like a slavemaster in the old days of our servitude when we were conditioned to mechanical obedience. He, uh, he uttered a negative, uh, imperative.

Could you put that into words which even Caesar could understand?

Uh, he said, “No, Aldo, no!”” Battle for the Planet of the Apes (1973)

It starts when we’re young, people fight like Hell to get us into the world, pro-life, a yes and then the rest of our lives we’re told no and we only continue the cycle. Then with the same breath, we’re frightened of those words, only those in power say no and those without say yes and that dictates who we are. So how do I explain heroes then, to a villain it’s always yes to themselves and no to others but then the hero must always say yes, even at the cost of all that they could ever hope honestly.

“This city is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout “Save us!”… and I’ll whisper “no.”” Rorschach, Watchmen

When your equal asks you say yes; when someone better ask the answer is yes when you consider someone beneath you the answer is always no or you seek to benefit some way. The only thing worse than no is maybe and even lower is a maybe that turns into a yes out of fear of no. Simply put if you’re afraid of saying no, that shouldn’t qualify into a yes, no means no, yes means yes, and often times maybe means no…okay, not simple.

I’m afraid of no, always admit the problem, I’m afraid of no, and I hate yes most days, and the world makes it so, honestly I wish I could say it was all in my head. When you see it put into practice how can you not be afraid, I mean most fears are in our own minds, but with experience, you must fear it.

Take for example work today or lack thereof, when I first started working I never said no, the answer must always be yes because the moment I said no, what would that make me, a bad employee? I learned to start saying no though and then my fears became actualized, my weekly hours were cut, my tasks became worse, for a person that had always said yes in the past, the calls stopped altogether and even when I said yes on occasion at work it wasn’t until I became a yes man that things returned to normal, so I caved.

You want to know why I feel like such a monster when it comes to women because the monster wants the pretty girl and when I wanted someone, that pretty girl’s life became hell from all those around her. She said no because of what a yes would do to her, what about the things I’m into, we have proof that some women would be into my type of kink as long as it isn’t me, my words have won women as long as they know it wasn’t me. I have read Roosh V and he talks about imagining the worst case and you know things can’t be that, take a walk with me sometime.

We say no to those we love the most, I mean an enemy is more inclined to get a yes and why, again we seek to benefit, but I tell my dog no, I tell my “real” friends no, but with my family it’s always yes and that’s because I fear them. No is not just some concept it’s an action with true consequences, take a victim of sexual assault, how many say no it didn’t because of what lies on the other side of fear which is yes only to experience a lifetime of no. A maybe or a yes born out of fear of no and yet I seek the courage to say no, even with you Lu.

I can’t say no to you and do you know why, it’s because I’m waiting for a yes, I fear the moment I give you a no is the moment I miss yes, that makes me a bad man doesn’t it, like pawing away at “Okay” again. Which do I fear more though, no or yes, from now on its one way or the other and you can’t always sit on maybe, I must choose.

How about what I have been thinking about all this morning, well at least two hours maybe, that job of mine called and asked me to come in today and I said NO. Would a yes have been preferable, I have to start thinking about doing things that scare me, I must break my fear.

“Becoming fearless isn’t the point. That’s impossible. It’s learning how to control your fear, and how to be free from it.”
― Veronica Roth, Divergent

Telling them no even with experience, even with a full understanding of the consequences, even with how the moment it was done made me want to pick up the phone and say yes took courage. It’s not like I died for anyone… everyday life, you work somewhere you hate and you sell an hour of your life for a certain amount of money, don’t mistake stupidity for courage. No means I’m being selfish doesn’t it or setting myself up to fail at some point but at the end, I don’t want to succeed there even, I endure to get to where I want to be.

What if I said yes, I would have been caving to one fear but I would get to face several others and I want to be stronger, and people, of course, are one of my worst fears, the dragon known as anxiety. How about missing my yes there, find your yes, how long have I been working there, company taglines and all, but what I want is on the other side of fear which means I make money to buy things I want and need, facing people would mean more money and thus I would be rewarded. So scared to say no but didn’t someone say that in order to face your fear the answer must always be yes, I guess it’s a situational thing.

Anyway today I made the choice and that choice was to say no, so no worries… okay dammit, I’m still thinking about “Ms. Seasons” flying away… how about the courage to let go of my hate, to no longer fear it. What have I learned today, yet another thing is not the end of the world and that thing is no, Courage to Say No.

I Will Have No Fear

 

Lesson 019 ~Preacher Man~

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I’d sell my soul for… it really is too bad that God doesn’t make deals like that, I’m not much of a business man but I hear a soul is a valuable thing and I just won’t give it to anybody. Preacher Man, well I’m not on any sort of leader for real

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Lesson 019 ~Preacher Man~

Hey Lu,
I don’t believe in God, a bold declaration but is it not bolder to say that you speak for him and with his authority, talk about ulterior motive. So what brought this on, I figured Lady Lu I have been doing a lot of preaching as of late, makes me think about a new profession, relax, just a thought.

Here’s a history lesson, I was raised in the church for quite a while, even got to the point where there was this lady who said I was going to be a preacher someday. You know I have a reputation of being somewhat threatening, it’s called my existence but anyway I told her if she ever teased me again about being a preacher, that I would never step foot in a church again. It worked though I had no way of carrying that out back then, you know because of my parents, yeah I really had no choice in that.

“6 Train up a child in the way he should go,
And when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6 (NKJV)

Yeah, that would be my mother talking but bad news mom… not that she doesn’t know, hell they all know, I was freed of the whole religious sect and after that, better not to answer that maybe. Not that in the church my life was sunshine and lollipops, I may be stupid (yeah that would be my father talking), I don’t cater to a lot of black people (A.M.E.) and I learned to keep my mouth shut. I don’t think this was this the exact moment but, you know how I often talk about the moment I was told to shut up and I didn’t matter, it was my father in church the moment I declared atheism and told anyone that would listen to me.

“Fathers are supposed to show sons how to be a man in the world, but I guess the world is too much for you.” Nick, Fear the Walking Dead: Grotesque

Two things, first if we’re all children of God and Jesus himself couldn’t make it in this world, then how can any of the rest of us, I mean he literally came down to Earth on a suicide run. Secondly, my father wasn’t exactly the greatest role model, I mean I learned that a man looks after his family, that terror will always defeat reason, and whenever you’re in doubt just get angry, it helps.

“Once more into the breach, my friends, once more. We’ll close the wall with our dead. In peace, nothing so becomes a man as modesty and humility, but when the blast of war blows in our ears, then imitate the action of the tiger, summon up the blood, disguise fair nature with rage and lend the eye a terrible aspect.”- Kevin Costner, The Postman (1997)

I think I might have missed my calling Lady Lu, Philosophy, I always dig deep, now I could go on about my religious history but I think more to the lesson is power and leadership. Okay one more tidbit maybe that’s why I respected the reverend so much, I shook his hand every Sunday and he gave me a dollar, my parents stopped him but I kept doing it mostly as a dig but maybe I really did respect him.

“Heh, me lead you? Lady look at me, I don’t even know where the hell I am half the time!” Dogma

Most leaders these days I have no faith in whatsoever, that would pretty much be my managers and my father and I wonder why that is? If you’re asking me do I have faith… in the religious sense and again I’m an atheist but if there is something out there, something bigger and more powerful, and it has an ounce of benevolence I only ask that it be bestowed upon Braxton, if it takes care of my dog then yes I am blessed. As for myself being a leader, for the most part, no, who do I lead other than Braxton and half the time I feel like a negligent parent where he is concerned.

“I’m the enemy. Cause I like to think, I like to read. I’m into freedom of speech and freedom of choice. I’m the kind of guy who wants to sit in a greasy spoon and think, “Gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the jumbo rack of barbecued ribs with the side order of gravy fries?” I want high cholesterol. I want to eat bacon, butter, and buckets of cheese, okay? I want to smoke a Cuban cigar the size of Cincinnati in a non-smoking section. I wanna run through the streets naked with green Jello all over my body reading Playboy magazine. Why? Because I suddenly might feel the need to. Okay, pal? I’ve seen the future, you know what it is? It’s a 47-year-old virgin sittin’ around in his beige pajamas, drinking a banana-broccoli shake singing “I’m an Oscar-Meyer Wiener”. You wanna live on top, you gotta live Cocteau’s way. What he wants, when he wants, how he wants. Your other choice: come down here, maybe starve to death.

All right, then why don’t you take charge and lead these people out of here?

I’m no leader. I do what I have to do. Sometimes, people come with me.” Demolition Man (1993)

This is me most days, I do what I must for his sake because someone has to take command, someone has to accept responsibility and that’s something that most of the religious refuse to do. You take the hit, you take the lumps, I wouldn’t ask for God to save me because if he was going to… anyway, most days I know I’m going to Hell, which in another way is me being a bad leader because Braxton above all deserves better. Is it the journey or the destination; when it comes to people I look after me, except if we’re talking other “activities”, in life, in general, I don’t want anyone to be lost.

That’s another thing, walking by faith and not by sight, now this is a big thing with the religious but you know how people say that the eyes are the windows to the soul, that I do believe. Is that why I look down all the time, I keep bringing up “the incident” nineteen days in Luna but maybe I don’t want anyone to know how bad my soul really is; again atheist but the thoughts continue, deprogramming is tough.

“And all I ever wanted is to be a better man
And I try to keep it real with my homies land
For me to save the world I don’t understand
How did I become the leader of a billion fans?” I Wish, R. Kelly

At work, people ask me plenty and 9/10 I don’t worry about it because everyone thinks they can speak for me, or they think they know what I’m thinking, or I can’t help but imagine that I’m wrong. In the end I’m not looking to have faith in a deity, I’m looking to have faith in me, the kind of faith I knew when I won awards at church, did speeches, I didn’t brag about God I bragged about me, the faith I knew when I would walk through after church and walk out with twenty bucks, the faith that was stolen when I was in school and told a cop I believed in me and next thing you know I’m in handcuffs (long story).

“Being a leader isn’t about ability. It’s about responsibility.

Got it, sir.

No, you don’t, Beck. I mean, you’re not just responsible for the good ones. You’ve got to be responsible for the bad ones. You’ve got to be ready to make the shitty call.

What makes you think I’m not?

Because you’re so damn good. You haven’t hit anything you couldn’t beat. I mean, hell, you were the one who figured out how to save the space shuttle. You made me, you made the rest of NASA just look like an ass. It’s just you’re used to winning… and you’re not really a leader until you’ve lost.” The Core

I told you about that girl once I was with and we were “roughhousing” and I grabbed her wrists and it scared her so I backed off, Lady Luna there are parts of my life where leadership, power, dominance come naturally to me but aren’t acceptable every day. That’s my problem, simulated violence, horror, sex, exist in what is supposed to be another world and this one will have no part of it, so that part of myself is locked away, that confidence, that faith, that truth and I am left with what I am to everyone else. Superman becomes Clark Kent and I wish I could find that man again, flying to the mountain top rather than tumbling off.

Strange that I believe that somehow or another I’m going to make it, mostly because of the little dog staring up at me because without him I might have no reason to. I might not lead people daily but my words have led to actions, talk about leading men to the promised land that I might as well be Moses sitting there while everyone else enters. As R. Kelly said, just be a better man and for some reason, someone might want to follow, better someone might want to stand by your side, no way.

If I haven’t said this enough, being a writer gives you a taste of that sort of leadership, that sort of power, though I’m not sure many of my characters would agree. So I have learned today; that there was a point in my life I liked the sound of my own voice but yeah I was no Preacher Man.

Lesson 002 ~Past Lives~

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I think I might finally be ready to go all Fahrenheit 451 now, it wouldn’t be the first time and I’m certain it won’t be the last, I guess I learned nothing from Nero. I should be excellent at my own self-destruction “Past Lives” and all, so I think.

Monday, July 03, 2017

Lesson 002 ~Past Lives~

Hey Lu,
Sounding like old times, bad times, before “them” girls hell women of form and substance and those that weren’t… you remember my big sister and her words better words, probably another reason I come running back to you. Sticks and stones right but what about what I’m doing to myself, I’m still alive is probably the best I can come up with, more pain to cancel out the other pain.

I wish I could remember how my big sister put it, you know when I get like this, not eating, not drinking, I did have a chicken wing and some orange juice for my meds but that was more me trying to figure out what the hell happened with me physically. She would also talk about how you can’t build a strip club by a preschool, an ode to my writing and people’s damn sensibilities. Without a doubt I’m still in the wrong, much like that story she and I wrote together, doesn’t even have a name but it was fun, now that was being me being the bad guy.

You know I’ve been a worst one, I can’t even explain that old war I had with one woman, I would throw up again at the “sickness” of it. Now what sickness am I talking about, I have so many to choose from, I’ve been haunted by them and I’m still talking to you so we know it might not be going away anytime soon. For starters, when I freeze up and find myself in some hell of my own making, and I have to shake my head, hit something, do anything while the memories attempt to swallow me whole.

“For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.” Ephesians 6:12

Now don’t be alarmed Lady Lu, the church is the past but I remember, my curse to remember, even when I was busy destroying myself, again and again, I remember because what else am I going to make myself new? No never new, functional and I wish I could remember how long that took, how much I had to destroy.

What about what I can’t destroy like I said before some sins are just too great, things can be confessed, apologies can be issued but in the end, no that’s just it, there is no end. I mean unless you want me to say something scary and at this point, I want to avoid a scary idea, I want to avoid the obscene, I didn’t even apologize again, I did once and I will leave it at that, then again…

Leaving now that’s what I have been thinking about plenty today, women I’ve known for years or at least was friendly with for example one I invited to a movie night and she stopped talking to me. Another who I saw regularly but she has things to attend to, an excuse but I haven’t spoken to her and unless she gets in touch… What about the one that, well I was wrong, I can’t stress that enough but I’ll probably be avoiding her blog for a while because I don’t want to be that guy.

The guy I was, the guy I was becoming, but here’s the thing, once Second Circle Creations, yes I’ve looked back and said the name often, anyway if the (SCC) gets up and running I won’t have to hide. Christian Grey has all sorts of decorum but he also has money and power and as fictional as Fifty Shades of Grey would like to be, that’s how the world works. I’m losing whatever point I was trying to make and that’s good, I want to bury the man I was yesterday but why is that, why do I have to die so many times Luna?

Because the dead don’t feel anything, I don’t want to feel anything, that’s why I sleep all the time, that’s why I’ve been vomiting all day when I’ve barely touched a thing, that’s why I’m talking to you. I get it all out, that’s why my big sister was wrong, she thought I was empty but it was too much, there’s just too much and once I’m empty, once there is nothing left to contain I can build once again.

“I’m sorry mama
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to make you cry
But tonight I’m cleanin’ out my closet” Eminem – Cleanin’ Out My Closet (2001)

So do I continue to dwell on my past lives, the boy that did nothing but write and the moment he revealed himself… damn Angela in the sixth grade, what about the guy that nearly got kicked out of junior college over a girl, or the guy that nearly got fired, what about the guy yesterday? I keep saying, Luna, this could be a lot worse and if you asked me what I wanted to do right now I would have to lie to you but I never have before.

They say that history is written by the victors and while that is true enough, history is written by the survivors as well, all the wreckage, cataloged and filed away, and from that what do I become? Sometimes it’s not even worth the effort and if it wasn’t for Braxton sleeping at my feet who knows what I would do. That’s a present regret, that he knows something’s wrong and I won’t do anything to fix it, but I don’t know how to fix me.

“Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb, we are bound to others. Past and present. And by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future.” Sonmi-451

This whole thing has been about what I’ve done in the past, confession, apology, destruction, renewal, repeat, my own circle. What about the man that has to continue, right now I’m angry but this just shows I’m not a psycho because I would rather destroy myself than hurt anyone else, do you think that’s the reason I pray for a zombie apocalypse because as I said the dead don’t feel. If I’m not entitled to one emotion and I have not yet reached emptiness which should I feel, lust takes a backseat to rage, anger, but I’m trying to have remorse, for these things said.

“I am entitled to my emotions. I can have them.” The Moment After 2: Awakening

I keep saying I’m sorry because I am because I have to be because there is nothing else that will be allowed, that can be accepted because I am who I am. Never changing though if I must leave with a lesson, if you can’t change yourself, then change the world, how many past lives did that take to learn?