Tag: Silence

Saga 131 ~ B’s Eyes, Ears, Virgil~

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One more reason I want B back. Because be it Heaven or Hell, he sees everything. It’s easier to hide from Virgil. He doesn’t want to see the mess which is my existence. And neither do I, seeing how my glasses broke yesterday. “B’s Eyes, Ears, Virgil”

Wednesday, November 9, 2022

Saga 131 ~ B’s Eyes, Ears, Virgil~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I don’t see how. I mean that in more ways than you can imagine, Inspector.

In the literal sense, my glasses broke. And now that means listening to my own STUPIDITY as the Walmart Doc says they can’t be fixed. And what will the Eye Doc say tomorrow, or rather today? Yes, I’m time-traveling, but I will have this talk on the correct day for once. Something else I don’t want to listen to because I want to sleep. God knows my eyes need it. But I need to hear the bucks going into a wallet. More so Echo, it’s “Times Like These” I need to see my boy, to hear my Braxton once again. Echo, Braxton was the most beautiful thing in this whole wide world. And I watched him leave me. What now? He’s not in Virgil Vivi.

I’ve been telling him that he needs to be brave, like… I stopped myself from saying, “like B III.” That would have been mean. Hell! Why don’t I practice what I preach, Echo? Virgil doesn’t want to hear or see it. So 2V’s again in Braxton’s room. Who knows, getting advice from B’s ghost? As I said, I’m having a hard time seeing anything in these old glasses. Yeah, Inspector, that’s the problem. Not me trying to look at titties. Or how about hearing some girl say yes? How about seeing myself on Onlyfans? So much noise all around me. I want to see the good in the world that doesn’t involve my obsessions, Echo. But then again, what I’ll see tonight or today, anyway.

Which is worse, Inspector? Lust or Sloth? Do I lie in the dark sleeping? Inevitable. Inspector, it is lust that is keeping me awake and alive. And then I hear the drive-thru cashier call me Ma’am again. Seeing how I am treated at the Day Job always. Inspector, this life ain’t much to look at or much to tell. So, looking forward to anything? “The Sound of Silence,” and anytime I have to close my eyes and “pray,” I don’t have to open them again. But here we are on the 9th now. Eyes and ears, Endure and survive. Soon I’ll have to look into Virgil’s eyes. I still don’t see myself like I once did through B III’s eyes. Sigh. B’s Eyes, Ears, Virgil.

647 Days Without B III, Day 088 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 125 ~B Seeing You Virgil~

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I still do plenty of reading, but I should get my eyes checked out soon. Why? The Drs. prescriptions didn’t do anything. How many times will I go over B III’s paperwork? Grieving books and those that suck. Now, 2V’s papers. “B Seeing You Virgil”

Thursday, November 3, 2022

Saga 125 ~B Seeing You Virgil~

641 Days Without B III, Day 082 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? As usual, I’m Time-Traveling, but you can guess how Thursday is going. As for today…

Well, it’s Saturday, October 29, 2022. To think it was Saturday, August 13, 2022; I hoped I found you again. I’ve been thinking about how long it will take me to get over losing you. I mean again. The last book I read wasn’t about reincarnation. But about coping with loss. Braxton, can you see the future? What am I reading now? While we’re on the subject, I opened up “Too Late” by Colleen Hoover. I wanted to see if the Year End Kindle Challenge would count it. Between now and December 31, so no. What do you think, Braxton? You didn’t have much of an opinion on my reading material. As long as we are together, B? I Haven’t been on the couch lately.

Only I did catch up with reading today. It was between wanting to fall back asleep and crying. The writer was talking about dying before you. Braxton, given this existence… Braxton, without question, I’d have died for you. “I’d get Him to swap our places.”

Who, God? I’ve never seen him, but I’ve heard. Um, according to the dog tag I wear every day. You are the word of God. And as they say, men love darkness rather than light. Braxton, you are the light. And it’s people or rather the hatred I was given that is the darkness. In a minute, you’ll have me sounding like Samuel L. Jackson. Can I find things to look at? The beauty. I can’t see you in Virgil.

Rosette Christopher, for example. Braxton, that’s why I gave up. You know what I mean. Not now, but 161 days ago after you died. I was trying to make you look away from me, Braxton. I hope that Paradise is a sight better than what you had here. This existence. Virgil does have your color by his eyes. But in 82 days, how many times do I look at them? The highlight of these days is my face mashed against the screen, looking at Yabbos. Whenever I leave the house. And the fear takes over, and my eyes flitter everywhere. Braxton, didn’t I say, though, I wish we were together. To close these eyes permanently. You don’t like me saying that. B Seeing You Virgil.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 124 ~Smile On Virgil B~

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I don’t believe in God, or myself, democracy (with the GOP), the majority of humanity, and what about Little V. But I do have faith in B III. He would say, “well, you could have fooled me.” But any prayers I have, I save for him. “Smile on Virgil B.”

Wednesday, November 2, 2022

Saga 124 ~Smile On Virgil B~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but so was Kanye West, “Ye,” whoever last week. I wonder if he’s praying now, Inspector.

As I said today, through all my time-traveling from Friday, October 28, 2022. I don’t pray to any god. Hell! If you wanted to make me a believer, all you need do is save Braxton. That boy gave me everything he had his whole life. And what did I give him in the end, Inspector? I swear! Am I reading another dog grieving book or “Too Late?” I ask Braxton. To think, I have the audacity to ask for anything. My most common prayer is for strength every day. “Braxton, give me strength.” Wouldn’t it be more embarrassing if I were asking him to come back? Oh, we’ll get to that. But the worst is this Inspector. To protect Virgil. An insult, to be sure?

Every day I lean more and more into Braxton not being Virgil. I should be ashamed because that’s the one card that 2V has to play. That he might be my long lost son Braxton. Wow! Is 670 days that long ago. A year and a lot of change. But not for Banfield, ha. Still, I asked Braxton to guide my steps on Tuesday, October 25, 2022. V’s Vet Appointment. Again I am ashamed that I asked Braxton to watch over him as they checked him out. With me outside the room, sitting on the bench. The same place I learned B III was dying. And even as I was there to watch the one I loved most die. I call out to Braxton still.

At least I have the presence of mind to bring Virgil upstairs. He doesn’t need to see me do that. Does Braxton talk to him while I’m gone? Is he guarded outside without me there? Speaking of not being around… How long has it been since I’ve jerked off? Gross! Inspector, trust me, I know, but that is my alone time. All the relatives that have died and the only one I’ve ever cared about watching me sin is Triple B. Giving up Triple X. Inspector I did for quite a while. And by the time you see this, there’s No Nut November and NaNoWriMo. There’s no time for my happiness… please. There’s Virgil? I like to think B III’s happy. Smile On Virgil B

640 Days Without B III, Day 081 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 118 ~B, V, Guess What~

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Guess what? I’m still here. Besides waking up to find B III gone, I’m surprised I have to get up. The past few days, I’ve woken up to find Virgil snoring. Humiliations Galore, not being happy, having a hard-on. But everything else, “B, V, Guess What”

Thursday, October 27, 2022

Saga 118 ~B, V, Guess What~

634 Days Without B III, Day 075 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? You know to me, that’s a loaded question. But I am talking to you today.

Time Traveling, as you might have guessed. A week after Virgil’s birthday for you. It’s the day after for me, Friday, October 21, 2022. Braxton, I always wonder where you are. “Where’d You Go” as the song goes. Now I don’t want to sound like a Republican but in my thoughts and prayers? Only I’m not one for prayer. I did ask for your strength B. We’ll get to that; we always do. What about I go all Phil Collins, “You’ll Be In My Heart.” No need to guess there. While Virgil still feels like a guest… At least today, he does. I told Lady Sophia that Virgil’s gaining courage by waltzing in here and interrupting me. No, not doing that, but by now… (sigh).

Well, things I don’t have to guess about, like wanting to go to sleep. But you know me too well, Triple B. Sleep can mean plenty to me. Sleep, sex, that other S word. The one bringing the cops to the door. I don’t remember what night that was or when I returned to you. Braxton from “I’ll Be Missing You” to I’m “Coming Home.” I never doubted that you’d be back safe and sound on Friday, January 29, 2021. A few new meds B III? I should have let them give you those for your appetite. It would have been better if I had listened to you. How did we get on this topic? No need to guess; I always remember my great sin.

Braxton, guess I’m saving money, that the medicine will do its thing, my muscles endure. I can’t tell you what the vets said about V, but his appointment is this week, so I must guess. Did I wish death upon you when the vets started talking about Chronic Renal Failure? And now Virgil is going for his first check-up with me… I’m still thinking about his nails needing to get clipped. Guess what? It’s always about me and how I look as a human B. Not his human. At least, I don’t see it that way yet. Does that sound mean B III? It might. Hating so much, fearing all and Triple X. Things that are certain in existence; anything else… B, V, Guess What

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 117 ~Boys Will, B, V~

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I’ve never liked the saying, “boys will be boys.” B III is/was too much like me. And 2V, well, he hasn’t been here three months yet. The only women he knew were the ones I adopted him from and any “friends” in his cage. Boys Will, B, V

Wednesday, October 26, 2022

Saga 117 ~Boys Will, B, V~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so what if SHE’S A Gold Digger? Yeah, fuck Kanye West, “Ye,” whoever he is today.

Speaking of which, Inspector, today is Sunday, October 16, 2022. I have been time-traveling all day. But I can’t go back to the past, or can I… Braxton’s veterinarians? Inspector, for the record. I seem to have more luck with women doctors. Myself, Braxton. Anyway, I expect Virgil to have seen a doc by the time you read this. But we’ll get there. And I do mean we’ll get there. Because I haven’t been to Banfield since I received Braxton’s remains. For the third time today, I’ll call myself a selfish bastard. My boy cannot even claim his death; it was my failure and my disgrace. And to go back to that humiliation… The feeling of carrying my boy, that bag, my beloved son’s box

Virgil is not that. Not even close. But I remember when that guy doctor thought I was the worst thing. And now I have to carry V back there on his birthday. I hope. A checkup? He needs his nails clipped in the worst possible way. Braxton didn’t do well there. Understatement of the century. What I mean is he didn’t like people. What about Virgil? I guess I’ll have to see. B didn’t even like his aunt but, then again, like father, like son. He loves a pair of Yabbos. Seeing as how V doesn’t have his balls? I should read up about that. But I picked up a book on reincarnation. By now, who knows what I’m reading? I don’t need free time…

Yes, I’m still afraid that things may have happened at the Day Job. It would be last week. If anything, talking to you is an act of faith right now. Faith in and woman, Inspector? It’s my own fault, I know. Everyone loves Braxton and Virgil has his fans as well. Now myself? Well, I barely speak to Cherry these days, but I’m glad for her writing success as of late. M Anime has never been a particular type of girl. And that’s it for the women in my existence Echo. Again there are a few that could get me into trouble. Such is my anxiety workwise. Inspector, there are always my other interests, but I’m trying. My “sons” are better men. But for now, Inspector, Boys Will, B, V.

633 Days Without B III, Day 074 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 111 ~Won’t B Long Virgil~

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Happy Birthday, Virgil!!! I haven’t said that out loud. I have to remember to say his name a few times a day. He was “Archie” for a year and 9 months. Hasn’t been Virgil for 3 months. And how long has it been since picking up B … Won’t B Long Virgil.

Thursday, October 20, 2022

Saga 111 ~Won’t B Long Virgil~

627 Days Without B III, Day 068 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I suppose I should ask Virgil that; it is his birthday, after all. He’s 2.

You remember Braxton how I would rail about politics. Hell! I should go watch porn. Braxton, I gave you a real time-out when I killed you 627 days ago. That isn’t even remotely funny, I know. Do you wish I would stop saying that? No politics or porn, but Petsmart? Mark this day in your calendar, well, yesterday, anyway. I went to Petsmart to the back. Banfield Hospital, and set up Virgil Vivi’s first appointment since he’s been here. Not today. Braxton, V’s first appointment will be next week. In the middle of another horrible one. If I had done that for you, you might still be alive. I’m trying B, honest. I was almost in tears yesterday. And not one has been shed today.

Give it time. Virgil doesn’t know about the appointment, age, or the aches and pains of this life. Who am I to say that? Besides being a lazy ass when coming to talk to you, I was also doing some research. What? I’m not for the GOP. Now you B, on the other hand, Build the Wall; well, at least the fence around the yard. And you hated everybody, my little misanthrope. Like father, like son, but I hope you made time yesterday to say hi to your aunt. Better yet, scratch that. Her anniversary and all. I’d say you killed my sex life, but we both know that ain’t true. I was busy trying to diddle the maid. I can’t talk to her either.

Now, what was I saying? Oh yeah, research. There was a time I believe that Virgil was born in February. Giving credence to your reincarnation. But again, V’s paperwork today. I want to say he’s 14 in human years, but from what I read today, he’s closer to 24. What am I to do with that, you know? But you know what makes me a horrible person, B III? It’s the fact that I WAS thinking V was closer to death. Don’t get me wrong, Triple B, I’m not a… what, murderer? No harm will come to him, but I don’t love him. With you, it was love you B, love you, Braxton. With Virgil, it’s LATER; his appointment, his birthday, and having his own things. Won’t B Long Virgil.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 110 ~To B Boys, Virgil~

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I wonder how many secrets Triple B took to the grave? If he’s up there, down there, somewhere, I’ll admit I’m ashamed. If he is reincarnated as Virgil… Well, the two of us haven’t bonded, really. We’re both just two lazy F… Anyway, To B Boys, Virgil.

Wednesday, October 19, 2022

Saga 110 ~To B Boys, Virgil~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means everyone wants to be my friend. I can count my “friends” with one hand.

Now my Braxton… have I cried for him today? I am time traveling a week ahead, mind you, dear Echo. You can also add that I’m a mad maudlin masochist for today. I’m gearing up for the fight I will have today with the doctors here. Only I’m not leaving this bed except for nature’s call. Ask V something about that. He needs time outside pawing, peeing, and playing. It’s not like I tell him anything that’s going on. I carry him outside to comfy spots and B’s old food and water bowl. Ain’t like he’s getting one of his own anytime soon. Hence me fighting today. If I didn’t have Virgil, I wouldn’t be anymore. My anger, anxiety, and naked ass, aren’t worth anything.

If I have learned anything, it’s the fact that everyone is trying to eff me over. Am I being a selfish bastard? Hell! If B III were here, he would prowl around, growling at my unseen enemies. Did I mention how much I miss having Braxton on guard duty these 626 days? Why would I ever sentence Virgil to that? He’s been here over two months by the time you’re reading this. Hell! Shouldn’t Two V and I be celebrating? Not even on a payday. Instead, I’m worried about the next two days when I go back to the Day Job. Am I still taking two pills? No, only one stronger one. If it doesn’t work… It’s not like I can pay for these eyes.

All in a bit of faith in those I chose. My “father” has his boys. Inspector, the AC is on. When Braxton was here, I sat him on the porch and said we only have each other, and that was that. Now I am unable to talk to anyone, even you, Echo. I mean, here I am, Inspector but wasn’t it last week or the one before I screamed of loneliness? See! I can’t share with anyone else as I did with Triple B. And yes, I have confessed otherwise. But he was the closest confidant. And with my anger at others and my indifference towards him, it ended. And with or without the doctors, I would still feel so discombobulated. To B Boys, Virgil

626 Days Without B III, Day 067 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 104 ~ Virgil’s Resting B Face~

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I wish we could go back to wearing masks. I mean, nothing’s stopping me. Well, three shots, four if you count the doc taking my blood. But that first year, B always recognized me mask and all. And in 2022, Virgil looks at me? Virgil’s Resting B Face.

Thursday, October 13, 2022

Saga 104 ~ Virgil’s Resting B Face~

620 Days Without B III, Day 061 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? As always, your guess is as good as mine when it comes to this day.

Once again, Braxton, I’m time-traveling. But I will never forget the face you made when I’d come back. I’m trying hard not to cry today or give myself any reason to close my eyes. Blinking? I still do that plenty when I think I see you. Hell! It was only this morning when I called for you to take your medicine. We’ll get to me taking mine or the lack of meds in a minute. Only today is Saturday, October 8, 2022. But if there is one thing I know for sure, when it comes to 620 days, “I’ll Be Seeing You.” That sounds ominous. I mean, B, I’ll always see you everywhere I go, forever and always. Most of all, I’m protecting your spots.

Oh, what about your pillow? I wish I could have seen my face then. Now that’s strange coming from me, who avoids mirrors. To take a good look right now, B, all then and now. I’ve been worried about if the medicine is changing me. I’m sure I had a smidge of hope before. Today, I’m fearful. Three pills left. I only got a week’s supply to beat this infection. Do you remember how I became? Whenever you were running out of meds? The first time I almost killed you. Of course, that vet we hated was the one that saved your life. Maybe Braxton… Yeah, I got the thought that he could have saved you 620 days ago. Tears…

Not many days go without me crying over you. It’s not like Virgil is watching. And to further jinx myself. V hasn’t been hacking up all over the place. I wonder, has anything changed for him, for you? Today is one of those that I don’t believe but come Thursday? All I know is I looked into his eyes today, and you know what I saw. There was only black. I didn’t see myself or his happiness. To this day, I remember the last look in your eyes, Braxton. Why? Virgil’s face has those two tan furry patches beside his eyes. The color of you. Are you trying to tell me something, Braxton? I might be better served looking in the mirror. He Lives In You. Virgil’s Resting B Face

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 103 ~Minding B’s And V’s~

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The last two months, but um, these last two days have all been about minding my p’s and q’s. The doctor that didn’t give a damn Tuesday. Trying to keep the Day Job. Cheating medical payments. But when it comes to the boys B and V? Minding B’s And V’s

Wednesday, October 12, 2022

Saga 103 ~Minding B’s And V’s~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so why bother minding my p’s and q’s? Hell, I ignored ten months of health, right?

It shows how much I love Braxton. I only ignored his life for about four days. Well, it was longer than that. But the moment I got a chance to breathe from my effing Day Job, I was all about Triple B. Yet it was too long a wait. Despite what the books say, I’m guilty. Inspector, I’m still making those excuses when it comes to Virgil. While I was out the other day… (sigh). We’ll get to that. At Petsmart, they continue to have the doggie NOTICES in the window. I spent most of last night comforting Two V from having a hacking fit again. He hasn’t in the past couple of days. Yes, I’ve been going to the doctor and pharmacy a bit.

Echo, a reason I’m not minding my p’s and q’s now. Let’s say I need to find a new Doc. Well, I won’t be, come later on today. It’s why today I’m up early. And the Day Job is no bother. Hell! It could be the drugs they gave me… ok, that’s bullshit. No insurance and over a hundred bucks. I was up at one in the morning dreaming the loopiest shit I know. It’s only been one day but is it helping? I’ve wasted a lot of money in this existence, Inspector. I’m starting to think I should accept this as my punishment. If so, well done. But with my Republican tendencies. I will fight about the money. “Real American,” aren’t I? Doubtful GOP

How about being an African/Black American? While I lay in bed after having such an effed-up dream. Starring Ice Cube, Tommy Lee Jones, Radha Mitchell, and Nickelodeon. There were also those two girls from that new movie “M3GAN,” the list goes on. So I thought about how that doctor blew me off yesterday and cheated me. Inspector, there was a good doctor there, to be honest. Remember B III’s favorite, ha-ha. Anyway, I was thinking of how black people are sometimes treated by some in medicine. And now I have to fight the docs over money they already took from me. On top of worrying about this medication. If I’m not watching Triple X porn of 2X/2B. Remember “NIER: FIRST ASSEMBLY?” Minding B’s And V’s.

619 Days Without B III, Day 060 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 097 ~Virgil, B Missing You~

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B knew his spot on the bed. Virgil’s acquainted with his pillow. I really need to get his nails cut. Yet there was a plague at Petsmart. And with V’s hacking from me petting him. He might die or I might, walking that one aisle. Virgil, B Missing You.

Thursday, October 6, 2022

Saga 097 ~Virgil, B Missing You~

613 Days Without B III, Day 054 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Three guesses as to how my day was. I don’t know yet, with Time Travel.

I don’t remember when I stopped crying over you. Did I cry for you today? Again considering how Thursday went. Today is Friday, September 30, 2022. So not yet, Braxton. I didn’t even nap today to remember how you would lie beside me. Or you would be on guard duty. And Virgil hasn’t been in the mood. Braxton, I’ve been giving him space, B III. Plenty of room. But what if I gave him all the room in the world? Oh, I’m not taking him back to the Rebeccas. I’d like to think I’m a better person than that B III. What do you think? Every day I look at him more and more, and I’m beginning to suspect he ain’t you. Are you lonely?

I don’t know how to broach this subject without having the cops rushing here crazy. Braxton, maybe that’s what my dream was about. The lawman charging in here for me. Silly me, and here I thought it was for a crime. I’m sure I told Lady Sophia or Dear Future Wife something like that today. Hell! The crimes I have committed only today, my friend. As Sade would sing, “Is It A Crime?” I’m a black man living in America, B. I’m sure you don’t miss my political tirades. With “All These Things That I’ve Done.” You remain my worst crime. Your death is a tragedy. Mine would be… nothing. A parent, a dead child… SPOILER ALERT!!! The Cabin at the End of the World.

I don’t know how it will end yet, but I’m close. I see myself as Eric, walking with your body into a lake. You know, the thought of drowning scares me. A true punishment. If I were a man, I would have brought you back here. I’d laid you at the corner of the bed, your guard post. I would have lain in bed and gone to my drawer with the… Well, you know what I’m thinking, and here come the tears now. I’m alone anyway. Braxton, what about Virgil? It ain’t love, and if you’re reading this, then well, veterinarian? If it’s not nerves. V’s birthday and he needs a checkup; to make that walk to Banfield. I’m so lonely. Virgil, B Missing You.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad