Tag: Fear

Lesson 196 ~A Sight To See~

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The look of love, although I’m sure all the treats and getting to sleep in my bed helps as well, and if I have to be a seeing eye man for him than so be, I’m just upset that the world is such an ugly and scary place to see. “A Sight To See,” one day…

Saturday, January 13, 2018

Lesson 196 ~A Sight To See~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, it will all be there tomorrow, that’s what I tell my dog all the time when he’s in a rush for his walk or to go outside and play, it will all be there tomorrow. Maybe it’s a bad habit, pushing for tomorrow when there is only today and who knows what tomorrow bring; didn’t I already say once, leave every problem to tomorrow, make your troubles run from you.

It helps when you can see them, yes I’m still thinking about the bitch with a blog, hell I’m nevertheless thinking about my blog, one-hundred and ninety-six days in and I always feel the need to explain myself. If I could only see myself the way my son sees me and who knows how long that will last as I just got the news yesterday, the vet says my son is starting to develop cataracts. Trust me, Lady Luna, I hate the look of this world, to quote the president “shithole” see I’m good enough to be president though that isn’t a good thing anymore.

I want to show my kid, yeah he’s thirteen now which is maybe sixty-eight in dog years, last I checked and hope but anyway I want him to see a world that we don’t have to be afraid of; hell at least he dares to see it. There is no such luck for me, you know I’m one for definitions of Hell and here are a few more, Hell is despising who you see in the mirror, it’s condemning who other people see when they look at you, it’s finding yourself stuck, frozen, lake Cocytus. Lady Luna, Hell is people leaving, it’s so close to something you desire and knowing you’ll never have it. Indeed it’s a fire that burns in all the wrong ways.

The thing is I still want to see it, I want him to see it, but I can’t help, but wonder has it passed us by, is it only in our heads, why is it I love the darkness, but I would want to end it all if I ever went blind? Wouldn’t it be something if we all could see through the eyes of those who love us, imagine how we would feel then?

That is what I have learned today, I look at him, and from the first moment I have loved him, cared for him, and I would be his eyes if he needs me to be, now if only I cared to see myself, would I become A Sight To See?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 193 ~I Need A Raise~

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Well at least I never considered myself a cave woman, though I may speak like a caveman at least I’m making noise but how did they scare the beasts back then, I’ll tell you with such thunderous voices. “I Need A Raise,” money, and guns say more.

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Lesson 193 ~I Need A Raise~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear, I mean by the time I get to the car and the music is blasting out so I can’t hear myself in my head when I’m sure that they have forgotten about me when my courage returns that I often mistake for some great insanity.

I need to raise my voice Inspector Echo, and no I don’t mean in a mean way, as the song goes “I think I use to have a voice, and now I barely make a sound,” I know what I sound like singing… yikes but just everyday speaking. Now it’s funny that I say that when there are plenty of devices to help with projection and still I damn near have a panic attack every time I have to page someone at work or speak on the radio. I keep saying I want the world to hear me and then I have nothing to say, I’m stupid, or a clown.

To most people, I damn sure ain’t a man when it comes to talking in the drive-thru or on the phone, and I don’t bother to correct them at all. “Act like a bitch, get slapped like a bitch,” as one of the hottest actresses on the planet said, and I know surely enough I whine like a bitch. It could be that I’m ashamed of who I am, have I forgotten what it means to speak like a man, did I ever know in the first place Inspector Echo.

“Fathers are supposed to show sons how to be a man in the world, but I guess the world is too much for you.” ― Grotesque, Fear The Walking Dead

My father gave into aggression, to the dark side, and every day I find myself giving into that, it’s when I feel such surging rage that my courage is at its highest or is it passion? That would be my greatest sin, and I could go on and on for days, but I’m also mad at the fact that I have to keep myself penned in all the time because I feel like I might hurt someone, you know more than most that my words will someday lead to new actions. Perhaps I feign cowardice to keep the monster inside me pacified to a degree.

I ask your forgiveness Inspector Echo for my quietus when it comes to my speaking, stupidity, identity, weakness, and all my madness; I still have a voice that one day *sigh* money is power, it speaks, I Need A Raise.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 191 ~I Will Go The Distance~

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I wish I could find the starting line once again but shouldn’t I be looking for the finish line, or maybe there is just so much more race to run, don’t know where I’m going, neither do I most days. I Will Go The Distance

Monday, January 8, 2018

Lesson 191 ~I Will Go The Distance~

Fourteenth Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear, I’m on my way, at least that’s what my dream seemed to allude to and yes I do believe in visions which is why I found this one so scary. You know I’m not usually awakened from such a desperate necessity, so when I am, it often means something, though I haven’t been fired from the day job.

Hell, even the general manager told me if I’m not happy I should leave and I nearly broke out with that “I got nowhere else to go! I got nowhere else to g… I got nothin’ else.’ Only I’m no officer, and I’m not a gentleman, not when the right girl… okay, a girl I want comes along. There are days I always feel like I’m running you know and there isn’t some light at the end of the tunnel just a brief respite here and there. I suppose the good news is I’m always moving because if you’re not you’re dead but I’m not getting anywhere; another regret, I should have told Indiana Gone, I didn’t get anywhere today despite what my car says.

Now, of course, the first step is always the hardest but next, even if you can’t see it, you have to know there is something out there and Madam Justice I honestly do. The thing is I’m always resting and if I’m moving, well in my dream I slept the whole way, I lost some key I was given, and then my luggage was lost, so much so I spent time this morning just looking through all my travel bags. Is that what my dream was trying to tell me, that I have to get out and I have always been one of those who would instead leap than just step, and cue the Xbox One Jump ahead commercial right?

Every morning I step, but this place must be like a maze and not trying to get all racial because how much do I know but, the black man must fly to hat the white man can walk to, that’s from Chris Rock. So we see comedy is not my thing from a long time ago but writing, just like any of my stories I find where I want to go. As my mother said I would find my way and as the music swells, may I be as strong as Hercules, may I have that kind of heart and I Will Go The Distance?

“For a true hero isn’t measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart.” ―Hercules

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 190 ~Hot And You’re Cold~

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I’m so cold and when I start to warm up… it’s a disease this thing called lust but there is a fire burning in my mind, or a single lightbulb, but it’s not all dark in there and if the dog can enjoy the sun. “Hot And You’re Cold”; not a meteorologist

Sunday, January 7, 2018

Lesson 190 ~Hot And You’re Cold~

To Will:
No Fear, and Happy New Year, okay let’s be honest for once, it’s a new year, and you’re still here, a benefit of being in the dark I suppose. Speaking of honesty, remember when you wanted to be a weatherman, the epitome of fake it to you make, this year you could use some of that when it comes to being a writer, a co-worker, and maybe just maybe a real man truthfully.

As a writer, it’s hit and miss, your brain will be on fire with all the new ideas but the idea is the virus, and the words are the cure, so the question becomes why aren’t you working, well look at you now. The real Hell is the day job, and how do they said, when “Hell” freezes over, are you the only one that knows anything about Dante’s Inferno, and they wonder why you don’t talk. You must be cool, calm, and collected, almost ice for that hard cold cash. You need plenty to survive, to pay for the fever that will possess you.

Talk about manhood right but isn’t one of your resolutions to meet someone in the biblical sense, you still have time, but like us talking right now, you have to get better, there is no tomorrow. Depression can be a real bitch too and I know you feel like you could use a good cry or any other sort of release am I right? If anything I’m stressing this. Unfortunately, you can’t stay toasty warm no matter what. Not in your bed or your hoody. What about a nice warm shower which I think I will recommend. The day job will come whether you like it or not and the stress has been getting you.

So since I won’t be getting that from “Alice In Wonderland” yeah that’s a discussion for Dirty Diana I will instead take another practice, six impossible things this week, why don’t we count them Will:

1. Replace the lightbulb
2. Don’t You Laugh, Don’t You Smile, Don’t You Make A Funny Face, At Work Silence Is Better Than Placation
3. Keep It In Your Pants
4. Work On One Of My Novels
5. Find Out What’s Wrong With The Blog
6. Talk To A Girl; No Get Her Number Will

Do any of those seem possible this week for you, all of them should be, but I know how you feel, and lukewarm isn’t enough anymore and aren’t you sick of the cold, but why so Hot And You’re Cold

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 189 ~Need A Bigger Boat~

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Is a sin in the thought or the action, if anything for so few that I genuinely commit, Hell is growing pretty big, and what a way to start off a Happy New Year, am I right, not usually. “Need A Bigger Boat”; I’m not a shark, a devil or anything worse

Saturday, January 6, 2018

Lesson 189 ~Need A Bigger Boat~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, Hell takes a long time to build; call it a revelation, an epiphany, the ramblings of a desperate man perhaps, no, that’s what I’m discovering, that Heaven finds itself lost in despair that it damns us all. No, what I find Hell to be Lady Luna is greedy, and in that greed, you see other sins but also the ability to be selective and exclusive.

Honestly, what would I know, I’ve never been to a club though we can add that to my to-do list as in I want to own my adult dungeon someday, just another production brought to you by “Second Circle Creations.” So back to Hell, think the Cold War, nukes in the closet amongst other things. Everything we horde and we just pack it in only we need more room. Fear plus Hope equals courage, but if you asked me the definition of Hell at this moment and knowing me I have several, Hell is merely awaiting the greatest fear you’ll ever understand, doing so for all eternity and then some.

Maybe that’s what I’m doing these days, and the thing about it is, I consider myself an open person… careful, every time I think something like that I think of her when I hear the song “Something Just Like This,” when I cast her in the center of Cocytus, and even with the current news. You see Luna just because there is a stairway to Heaven and a highway to Hell doesn’t mean you’ll find your way in which is why I feel Hell must constantly expand and Heaven, well, I don’t know, but we hide our sins don’t we? I’m trying not to anymore, “trying,” I informed “Indiana Gone” I feel strange saying try, no I do, then again.

I remember when my sins were small enough to hide in a trashcan on one slip of paper and look at me now, I have books full of secrets, my sins scattered across the Internet, a closet full of clothes just waiting for some girl to fill them. Luna, it’s cold outside, so why am I burning up right now?

So what have I learned today, I’m picky when it comes to women, secrets, the life I choose to lead but I don’t know what to blame for my loneliness though I have plenty of room and yet even with everything I have cut off and deleted. Somehow I think we Need A Bigger Boat.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 184 ~Power Is All That Matters~

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Power has five letters, and love has four, is less more, sorry to say not in this instance but if I wanted to control as badly as I want to love and maybe that’s my problem, people speak of one, it’s wrong to want the other. Power Is All That Matters

Monday, January 1, 2018

Lesson 184 ~Power Is All That Matters~

Thirteenth Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear, power should not be so easily obtainable, Tony Montana taught us this, but even women beat out his real motives honestly. I find myself quite the same because as the song goes, no one man should have all that power, it’s too high, too much of a fight, and too much to endure.

So we call power “love” so that we can share the burden, and even then we become slaves to it, we just can’t help ourselves because love is as a disease and this I believe. It takes on other forms, politics, money, violence, all symptoms of the same sickness, it’s like saying you have a fever when you know you have the Ebola virus, and you end up killing everyone around you trying to deny it. There are those that say absolute power corrupts absolutely or how about those we hold up as shining examples such as Captain America, a man given such power and then he becomes a hero.

One of my favorites is that everything is about sex, but sex itself is about power, now that I’ve felt and is probably closest to the truth. Power to me is merely controlling, no more, no less, and that I would not give away to anyone but first you must obtain power over yourself, and I can think of no better way to announce the new year than this possibly. Save a life, save the world entirely, if you gain power, control over just one person, yourself then there is nothing more exceptional, no fear.

Every footstep, every breath, every look, heartbeat, the release is controlled but then what does this mean for freedom, as 1984 put it “Freedom Is Slavery” to have someone anyone else in control, in power, is liberating. Take Domination and Submission as the perfect example, is this not a testament to a submissive’s power, to give such things to a dominant and perhaps they do not possess such control over themselves but only in another.

As for myself, I seek power not just over myself but life entire, and that is worth more to me than anything else, but while I know that I want this how best to obtain it, dear Madam Justice *sigh* Power Is All That Matters.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 183 ~Time To Work Sparky~

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At the closing of the year *sigh* I’m exhausted, and I will be, but maybe this year I will try something different, perhaps this year I will live instead of just surviving, no more usual. “Time To Work Sparky.”

Sunday, December 31, 2017

Lesson 183 ~Time To Work Sparky~

“We are the spark, that will light the fire that’ll burn the First Order down.” Star Wars: The Last Jedi

To Will:
No Fear and we’ll start here and end here only to begin again; to be honest fireworks scare me and let that be the last deep dark secret I share with you because you will be a much braver man. Perhaps today is a day for grand declarations and if I have to think of one for you, Will you won’t just be a man you’ll be the man, and you’re doing great.

Do you even remember how you spent last New Year’s Eve because I don’t, but already, you’ll be out amongst people, you’ll have a friend that has two legs and while you’ll be exhausted tomorrow morning as the kids say nowadays, YOLO? I know it doesn’t sound as exciting as watching religious propaganda… what some of those movies are awesome, yet another secret but anyway that was a good night, and there is no reason not to think the best of this one. Speaking of which I don’t expect you to get over fear in one night, we’re talking decades but again, today is the first day of the rest of your life, just yours.

“I don’t know where I’m going
But I sure know where I’ve been
Hanging on the promises
In songs of yesterday

And I’ve made up my mind,
I ain’t wasting no more time” ― Whitesnake

There are too many statements that all contradict each other, maybe we should stick with the words of Whitesnake’s “Here I Go Again” because this is what you’ll have to do. I want you to feel the fear, don’t knock it, fear, anger, hate, yes I sound like Star Wars which just goes to show, don’t forget who you are and who you will become. Just like hope, kindness, and love, there is a balance to grow, which brings me back full circle my friend.

“The opposite of war isn’t peace, its creation” ― RENT

You won’t just be the spark, I want you to be a freaking infection, pain, a virus; I want you to go off, to explode, and from the craters that you create from yourself for once. I want you to build, be the angry man and give them a reason to look down on you. Yeah, let them see because just when they think they’ve won yet again, you’ll blind them with your bright future.
Yes, you just won’t be a firework, you just won’t be a spark, not just the tip of the sword, this is going to be your year. Okay, how many times have I said this and it is my wish that you will never have to repeat it now go on Time To Work Sparky.

I Will Have No Fear, Have A Happy New Year

Lesson 182 ~Yearly Revolution, Evolution, Resolutions~

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Tomorrow is New Year’s Eve, and on Monday I will yet again be reborn, but will I still be in the same place, if I can’t get out of bed for one night, how best to do what I should be doing for the new year? “Yearly Revolution, Evolution, Resolutions

Saturday, December 30, 2017

Lesson 182 ~Yearly Revolution, Evolution, Resolutions~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, if I could but leave it in the past, the end of this year, I don’t know whether to be glad, sad, feel bad, excuse the rhymes but that is yet one more thing that has not changed. It’s like the eye doctor always asks, better, worse, or about the same, and I’m pleased if things remain but I shouldn’t.

1. See Braxton through another year
2. Write 400 words on workdays (Goal 120,000)
3. Write 5000 words on off days (Goal 120,000)
4. Sleep with a different girl a month (and, or) have a girlfriend
5. Buy a cookbook
6. Participate in NaNoWriMo (novel in a month) 50,000 words
7. Finish repairs (Back Fence, Refrigerator Light, Car, etc.)
8. Publish a poetry book
9. Collect more than 4,000 dollars in 52 Week Money challenge
10. Read for an hour and a half every day

Last year’s list of resolutions, high hopes but Braxton is alive, and I hope happy, I didn’t write 400 words a day until we began talking again but I have finished my 120,000-word novel “Some Assembly Required” that’s still a working title of course. This whole year I haven’t slept with one girl, and though I could have had one, I didn’t take the opportunity or speaking of which buy a cookbook either. I did complete NaNoWriMo “The Keys To Life” working title, I got a new car and did minor household stuff, no book of poetry, barely over 2,000 dollars, and reading… my lowest score in a reading challenge with 26 books so no.

2018 Resolutions:
1. See Braxton through another year
2. Continue to write my blog, at least 400 words daily and gain a profit
3. Complete one novel without NaNoWriMo
4. Sleep with a different girl a month (and, or) have a girlfriend/submissive
5. Read over 25 books one being a cookbook
6. Participate in NaNoWriMo (a novel in a month) 50,000 words
7. Finish all repairs (Back Fence, Refrigerator Light, Car, etc.)
8. Publish two books, poetry and novel
9. Collect more than 4,000 dollars in 52 Week Money challenge
10. Read for an hour and a half every day

Does it look like I’m even attempting to evolve, to rebel, of course, Braxton always comes first, and I bought everything I needed for a blog in September didn’t I and if I call myself a writer, shouldn’t I be going to work on that? I have to get out of this house and start hitting Books-A-Million, Starbucks, the library again, maybe even try Target because of Indiana Gone put it “bitches love Target”; and I should have a girl before November. I know I have skills, hell I built a coffee table, wrote a book, and if I publish I should have money and time honestly am I right?

What happened to me Lady Luna, where is the impossible, immoral, illegal, and insane, Tony Montana, of course, has it right, you have to work, you have to make money. As the song goes it’s a Bittersweet Symphony, and I can change, but then I look at this year. Now that should be the most significant fear, that I will still be sitting here, same as I was last year, fighting a stomachache, hiding in the house, with too much to read and not enough to write but another excuse, a wish, and some dream.

So what have I learned today, to be me and then not so, other than Braxton’s life, make my life so I just might need new Yearly Revolution, Evolution, Resolutions?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 177 ~ Medicate for Your Protection, Yours~

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I remember when I gained a pretty good drug connection thanks to my “Olds,” and I didn’t appreciate it back then, now “good” drugs are kinda expensive but to be fair, I wouldn’t be medicating for the right reasons. Medicate for Your Protection, Yours

Monday, December 25, 2017

Lesson 177 ~ Medicate for Your Protection, Yours~

Twelfth Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear, this isn’t the twelve days of Christmas for if it were, I would find myself locked in an insane asylum but then again here I am talking to you. Strange that the traditional white room is for everyone else but the blank white page is for me, and this is what I mean by medication for me.

Medication, Meditation, Meditation, sometimes they have been choices and others times forces beyond my control, I still remember I would dance when I would flush the meds my “father” would give me. Okay so this isn’t sounding so much about Christmas, but the truth has always been a gift, and like life itself sometimes I wish I could return it, get a refund, read the reviews of what other people have thought about it. Other people, anytime I have tried to kill myself it has been all for other people, and that’s the lesson, my life, health, and death have always been for those people.

When I was on medication, even to this day it’s not been me I’m ever worried about, I hurt, I suffer, and when I am getting well it’s to make them fill better and not me. Maybe that’s why I’ve stopped with the meds; I told Indiana Gone that I would fill so angry afterward because those pills were making me not be me. I could tell you about some chemical or something, but people did the damage, and then they expect me to find the cure, and even my death would just make their lives better, or maybe it’s like how they talk of suicide I might hurt them.

Maybe I don’t need a cure; perhaps they are the symptom of a sick, sad world, suppose I am the cure, but I give myself too much credit don’t I Madam Justice? Tomorrow things will go back to normal, and again I will be stuck with the truth, I’ll have me, just one day and didn’t I say last night that I need to have faith that ‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right!’ as Bob Marley believed right?

Speaking of music though I won’t belt out love is the answer or even a problem a few funerals won’t solve. The point is if I want to get high if I want to fix whatever’s broken, if I want to be well, it shouldn’t be for anyone else… now, Medicate for Your Protection, Yours.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 175 ~Good Morning, Evening, Goodnight~

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No Eve on Christmas Eve so I suppose I only have myself to blame and yet more presents to buy than ever, even with free therapy sessions and that’s “good” right, more friends, more writing, more hope maybe. Good Morning, Evening, Goodnight.

Saturday, December 23, 2017

Lesson 175 ~Good Morning, Evening, Goodnight~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, I’m still not one for Etymology, but if there were a few words, I want to focus on today how about “good,” “Christmas” in particular “Eve” to be honest. How about depression, sorry if that’s my mood as of late, but I’m looking for a quick explanation rather than a manifesto or another full-blown novel, so yes no fear today.

Not like this morning; last night I had a nightmare that’s been echoing in my brain all day, something about me and one of my ex-bosses and going after them… hell, most days I spend my afternoons and evenings trying to forget. Was it a dream, some part reality, I’m sure I wasn’t in the office with Morris Chestnut telling me that my anger was going to get me into trouble. As much as I HATE my job, I still need it, and I’m working on Christmas Eve, only Christmas Eve the whole week which scares me, no fear, I keep forgetting, but I’m always awaiting the bad news truthfully.

What about good, mornings are never, afternoons, evenings, nights, all just spaces of time that are anything but “good,” most often “bad” but what do I classify as “good”? As far as Christmas, every year is even less Christmas than the last, any cookies, movies, music that I tuned out a long time ago, again a space of time that if anything makes me sad. What about Eve, a woman tempted who brought about the dark, no I’m not a theologian either, and I’m too lazy to look up the nuances of the word eve and speaking of lazy what about gifts… I make one lousy friend don’t you think?

Is there such a thing as a “good” patient though, with my depression you should be making a ton Lady Lu, and I will get to pay you to once everything is “good.” Now that is a word I need to define, how about joyful, happy, and then, of course, there is love which brings us back to “it’s the most “wonderful” time of the year” or maybe not, perhaps once upon a time right?

Back when I thought of myself as “good,” again when a sentiment such as good morning wasn’t a lie; when Christmas and or Eve was a time to be alive and not just another day before Good Morning, Evening, Goodnight.

I Will Have No Fear