Tag: Fear

Episode 013 ~Too Soon Brave Captain~

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Library closed earlier today, but that didn’t stop me, find a way, despite need doggies and girls that need a stern talking to which with my little speech and sad to say the MeToo movement; anyway I didn’t fail today… much. Too Soo Brave Captain

Saturday, July 14, 2018

Episode 013 ~Too Soon Brave Captain~

Hey Lady Lu,
Give Me One Reason to believe it’s possible, already the doubts are creeping in, but I am close, by the end of our conversation here counting my novel, there will be over two-thousand words that leaves three-thousand to go, and I’ve been doing so well. I don’t want you to be proud of me Lady Luna because then I will feel like I can rest. Considering I practiced “success in progress” sounds so much better than failure, I should get this done, find a way, start doing.

So I do not sound off with victory at the moment, there is so much to do and you know this week is going to start a significant slowdown, and it all starts with fear, what would I do if I wasn’t afraid. Truth be told I have practiced my speech for work a few times but you know how it is when you stand up to bullies, that’s pretty much how life has is these days, my high school lifestyle on repeat, beautiful girls giving me grief and hiding in the library. As those motivational speeches keep saying: has that become my new “Detroit Become Human” any way they say you have to find the answer to WHY so why don’t you tell me why I would have to say this, to some girl:

“Look my name is Will, not Willie, William, or Willy-Kins just Will, if anyone calls me Willie it better be because my dog has learned to speak English or you’re my girl and while you’re cute, you ain’t that cute. Like touching me, if you ain’t my dog, my girl or applying for the position don’t touch me, and you might need to drink “a nice tall glass of shut the fuck up.”
― Will

That would be me “burning the boats” because my novel should be my Plan A and if you want to be successful you can’t have an exit strategy, do or die and it’s sad don’t you think that if I walk out of here without having known success, whatever will I do at the house? There is a reason that I come here to work every single day; because I know that the writing will get done and I will make it despite everything and as far as the day job is concerned… as Randy Marsh would say isn’t this America; Too Soon Brave Captain.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 010 ~A Question Of Literacy~

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I can lose myself in a decent book, a hard class, or a pretty face, but while some I eventually come to understand the others well… let’s say all the fiction in the world isn’t helping me deal with liars. “A Question Of Literacy?”

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

Episode 010 ~A Question Of Literacy~

Forgive Me Echo,
Give Me One Reason to keep going, discipline, character, fight, heart, I could go on and on as I listen to motivational speeches every day, I’m not ashamed of that. If you’re curious, I even had a self-help phase, along with a religious one. If it weren’t for reading, I probably would have taken my life years ago and while I still adamantly refuse to listen to audiobooks, Audible for example, those speeches, these books I read on Kindle… such is salvation.

I’ve said this before, but I can’t read people, not face to face anyway, I’ve only ever put down three books in my entire life, but I’m ready to write off the human race, or such as my novel dictates. Do you know why I took French in school Inspector Echo, because I wanted to learn the “language of love” as it were, and where did that get me; I failed that class in spectacular fashion. My “father” wanted me to take Spanish, what so he could call me STUPID in a whole other language; I’ve never been so fortunate to fail a class. However, the pain I read well.

You know what I haven’t been able to get off my mind, as always the day job and you know who, offers a strip tease for my dog and me, now that’s what I heard but translations as follows “I like you,” “I’m fucking with you” and finally “TROUBLE.” The things we choose to see, to listen, to hear, and to understand and I can’t understand a word like “Clean” at the day job, all I know is it scares me, it gives me such Anxiety. I have spent my life in books, both reading, and writing and it seems the question as to why I haven’t published one becomes quite clear, I might as well look at porn and Pinterest, like a male version of “The Handmaid’s Tale” maybe.

Don’t get me wrong a picture is not worth a thousand words, but if I write the only word I see is monster, and the same goes, for watching a pretty girl dancing, I need only look at myself in the mirror, and I have all the instructions I could ever need. So will you forgive me Inspector Echo for not thinking much of audiobooks, my course failures, for wanting to read some girl, my fear, my “success in progress” and for my somewhat sour mood, I’m tired, reading, writing such A Question Of Literacy?

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 006 ~My Number’s Up, Again~

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I got lucky once, but I won’t dodge a bullet the second time and how I tend to count on so much or more like the times I’ve seen disappointment to be sure but I’m far from zero to be sure. My Number’s Up, Again

Saturday, July 7, 2018

Episode 006 ~My Number’s Up, Again~

Hey Lady Lu,
Give Me One Reason not to die though I feel that way regularly, not precisely suicidal; there was a time though I got a speeding ticket and I had no money and figured I only had three weeks to live; life or death how it always is with my father just saying.

Fifteen Hundred words, it took me so much time last night because of all the pretty girls, but I’m still hanging in there, “No Fap” and all, Day 119 and counting but today aren’t I suppose to do five thousand words? Am I giving up, am I making excuses, and I going to say that I won’t do it, I could go back to sleep of course and there it is, I could, between talking to you, writing that review on The First Purge, etc. Talk about being at a loss for speech because there is nothing I can say, keep writing and then asking myself what for, would I find myself published the week after next maybe a millionaire?

Forty-Six dollars is forty-six dollars, and already that’s gone, I figure I’ll go to the bank anyway because I have to find some way to keep the blog afloat and remember when I started it only took around eighty bucks. It’s also not helping that I’m thinking of some retail therapy, not to sound like a sexist but if sex is such a taboo subject, I can see why women are always buying stuff… coping.

Twelve hours, six-hour shifts, two days, I dodged one bullet when it came to working in shoes, but I won’t get so lucky this time, cleaning, what did I say yesterday about being illiterate because I don’t understand what I’m doing. What about the concept of “I’ll think about it” translating to my dumbass boss as “he’ll do it” dammit Lady Luna clearly like my father. If I were doing any writing you would think I’d write more black men as villains instead of somewhat anti-heroes, remember who the real enemy is, here I am a black man, and I can’t stand MOST black people.

“… but the truth is that I dislike most men as much as I dislike women. If anything, I am an equal opportunity misanthropist.”
― Andrew Davidson, The Gargoyle (2008)

Now none of these numbers will honestly kill me, well at least I shouldn’t feel that way but you know “Anxiety” but that sounds like an excuse, and I have a million of them. Now yes I was doomed on day one (but it’s only July) *sigh* I’ve got to use my imagination to show why My Number’s Up… Again.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 003 ~To Hell With Independence~

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Independence Day when even the freedom to be yourself can burn you, or you freeze in fear, Land of the Free, Home of the Brave indeed but I’m not a political type of guy but hey neither is Trump, issues. To Hell With Independence.

Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Episode 003 ~To Hell With Independence~

Forgive Me Echo,
Give Me One Reason to stay here, how about my dog is comfortable, I didn’t get to sleep until three in the morning truthfully, or The First Purge is closer than you think; been there saw that. How about to Hell, have you never seen it, felt it, known it, I was there last night because as I told “Indiana Gone” Hell is repetition, and so you Put One Foot In Front Of The Other and leave.

Not all those who wander are lost.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

You see my sin here is that if we honestly wanted freedom and independence, why by my free will is a place like Hell permitted to exist, I’m talking about the shame I felt yesterday, tears cascading down my face did nothing to quench my thirst. How the blood boils and what about a witch’s brew the things that one can conjure in a man, now isn’t that a story idea? People in Hell want ice water and release but none was to be found, while I was busy writing before the new day’s sun there was desire burning desire, Alexa Bliss if I am to be specific, and talk about anger… I missed Smackdown.

Hell can also be isolation, in an attempt to escape my shame, my guilt, and most dire is the fear, when you don’t know anything and at the same time everything, the man in the mirror, on the page, right in front of them and you might as well be one of The Walking Dead. There are the days I feel so cold that I can’t help but stay in bed wrapped up, waiting for that fire of other people’s madness to force me from the house, only so I’ll freeze in terror. It’s when my eyelids feel so heavy from the tears that I don’t shed or that my life all these years is stuck, or maybe like when I was a kid taking swimming lessons, and I never got anywhere, but somehow I was able to keep breathing.

Moving because of fear is not freedom, standing because I believe I have no choice is not free will and living because someone else permits it is not independence, and then I ask myself do I want to be free? Forgive me Inspector Echo that I don’t want the answer to that question either though I have yearned for that one true freedom only if there is a God that’s one thing, there is a Hell, and I burn, I freeze, To Hell With Independence.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 002 ~Do I Miss Ordinary~

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If the love given to me is ordinary I would instead value weird as everything, love isn’t meant to be ordinary, and if life in misery in ordinary than there is nothing worse, I want a different girl a strange type of woman. “Do I Miss Ordinary.”

Tuesday, July 3, 2018

Episode 002 ~Do I Miss Ordinary~

Dear Future Wife,
Give Me One Reason to, and I would be lying if I said I have known ever fear and have found myself victorious because as much as I promise I’m Never Going Back Again I have days like today where I remember. Did I dare dream that once upon a time you were Just Another girl like the rest of them, you scared me like them, you could have been boring *gasp* and talk about twenty seconds of insane courage, my love.

Ordinary is sitting there watching them laughing at me, girls and maybe one day I’ll grow up and stop calling you all girls, I might not be a scared little boy. If anything I can’t call myself ordinary because you are Extraordinary. You deserve better from me. First I couldn’t look at ordinary anymore, but when it presented itself, with whispers and laughs, I wish I could say I didn’t waste my time, no if I couldn’t tell ordinary, to go to Hell how could I possibly be worthy of someone like you. I know I’m no prince to slay dragons though so many trials and tribulations and when I found you, so much for mediocre, or what was ordinary.

A girl is capable of making a man do the impossible, a good girl, even more, a woman, princess, queen, empress, goddess, shall I continue you made me capable of everything and anything. You made me let go of my hate today, as I said today I saw again who I was so long ago, even now I feel so pathetic and weak, and I didn’t know if my rage would consume me or my tears would drown me but being the person you are… The fact that I can never escape you and you don’t wish to be free from me, if it wasn’t my hate of them it was for myself, god my love for you transcends that of myself, but the fact remains I love myself, and that will never be ordinary.

I’m sure the dog misses his spot… he still gets bed space only a little less thankfully he is small, I miss the day like today where I could scream and yell at someone, I miss hate, I miss indifference, all ordinary and it shouldn’t be, it shouldn’t have been. Ordinary is me being a jester instead of a king; we can’t be ordinary; baby girl this is No Ordinary Love. Do I Miss Ordinary?

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 001 ~Whose Right To Censor You~

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The first post of the next 365 Days, has anybody said NO yet, well probably my mind between work and having something to say that hopefully won’t get me kicked out, banned, or arrested, where is the line? Whose Right To Censor You

Monday, June 25, 2018

Episode 001 ~Whose Right To Censor You~

Thirty-Ninth Rule Madam Justice

Give Me One Reason to keep my mouth shut, trust me I say some pretty nasty, vile, demented, perverted, depraved… I could continue, but I would eventually end with stupid or skeevy; and a happy new year to you too. Even when I’m sweet, I often end up as creepy, and since people will believe and hear whatever they want, what’s wrong with The Sound Of Silence I ask, instead of the visible title honestly.

I should start by taking responsibility but it’s hard Madam Justice, I don’t mean to get all political at the start of the new year but when the “PRESIDENT” of the United States of America can say such horrible things, and I call a girl beautiful… I came up with a new “Rule 290: Apparently, Models Do Have Standards,” and I know what’s past is past but calling a girl a Brazzers or Reality Kings model is different than let’s say… hell if I know Victoria’s Secret, Maxim, Playboy, I like beautiful women. The thing is again that’s against the law unless you have money, a handsome face, the confidence, or the intelligence which is telling me to say nothing.

Even with my writing, how many people have asked me what I write about and I can’t tell them because, well I would go Fahrenheit 451 on my work, but I would fight to defend others without a second thought. I thought this was America am I right so why must I censor myself, and maybe that’s why my current novel is all about fire, the things you realize or am I In Too Deep. No wonder I hate myself more often than not, like something out of Jumanji wanting to avoid not being my father and when in reality I hold my tongue and avoid speaking my mind because I don’t want to scare anybody including my little boy.

One man told me I was stupid and to shut up, a girl told me I was creepy, another said I was skeevy, another two said I’m great, but they don’t truly understand; shall I let the whole damn world stomp on my face? What about God, I take pride that I don’t need other people’s imaginary friend to tell me not to lie, cheat, steal, and murder but I can’t even talk about it, write about it, or picture it, worth a thousand words.

Anyway the answer is no one has the right, and yet at this moment in time I am breaking this rule; what would I write if I know I would be read, what would I say if I had no fear, I’m my judge, jury, and executioner and I burn; Whose Right To Censor You?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 362 ~A Sucker For Pain~

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Yeah, that’s not my size but maybe her, her or perhaps you know her, I can only imagine, I keep bleeding love to tick off to music genres, but I’ve just been ticking off myself lately. “A Sucker For Pain”

Thursday, June 28, 2018

Lesson 362 ~A Sucker For Pain~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,

Can You Love Me Again, even if you’re not a masochist indeed I would prefer if you weren’t though I’m a sadist, if you enjoy the pain then I have no reason to inflict it. How I want to hurt you. I know I’m supposed to be explaining a bit all the reasons I’m a dominant and maybe that will be in the coming year, and I wish I could think of something special for us but Dirty Diana I’m not in the mood at all.

For the longest time, I thought maybe I was a masochist, though I don’t get off on the pain only these days everything hurts, and I don’t know why but my entire life it’s as if I’m asking for more. These days other than the usual porn that I torture myself with because I’m into Day 110 of No Fap, I’ve taken up the habit of wearing a rubber band around my wrist and snapping it every time I do something stupid or let my fear get the better of me. Considering all I know about self-harm I’m pretty damn pathetic, but I need the pain to learn. While I said last week, I want a girl to know how I feel I wouldn’t wish my life or anybody but if I can endure and want to stick around in my skin, if she can take it maybe she’ll want to stick around with me… Psychopath’s Prey wasn’t that bad?

One can’t learn to inflict pain unless one has known it, so I should take pain not as gratification but as a lesson of course, what doesn’t kill you right, though the drawback is plenty of empathy. Another old saying, this is going to hurt me more and it will emotionally, maybe physically, definitely financially but a dominant looks after a submissive and I like my Subs to wear beautiful things, only so I can tear them off later. Hell, it’s killing me that I haven’t gotten “Detroit: Become Human” or a PS4 for that matter, and still, I saw this bikini on “Enchanted Bikinis,” and it would be more than a hundred dollars and no Sub at the moment but “I Always Find A Way.” Where there’s a Will, and I’m still him always.

“My mother named me Victor because she knew I’d always win. I’ll be fine.” Victor Strand, Fear The Walking Dead

Haven’t I said before or thought it up that we’re closest to life when we’re near death or in pain, let’s go with “hurt” and maybe that’s what I need, sexual gratification might knock some out but denial keeps you awake, A Sucker For Pain.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 361 ~Dare To Be Stupid~

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Rob Thomas sang once, “I Feel Stupid” and when I feel that “I feel angry” and if I had a “Creed” to live by it’s the fact that “I don’t ever want to feel like I did that day.” It would be water “Under The Bridge” thank you YouTube. Dare To Be Stupid.

Wednesday, June 27, 2018

Lesson 361 ~Dare To Be Stupid~

Forgive Me Echo,
Can You Love Me Again if I choose not to, if anything I’ll be worse, they’ll think what they wish and believe whatever they want to believe, and again I walked away and why is that? In these final days, hell it’s not like I’ll stop writing, but this has nearly been one year and do you remember why I started because one bitch called me “skeevy” and Here I Go Again because some girl called me stupid… okay implied it, whatever.

Now notice I’m no one to be calling anyone names considering my habits in the bedroom, I’ll name a girl everything under the sun but as I’ve said, my mother raised a gentleman somewhat, I always pay for outings, (unless she owes me money), I cook, I clean. See I want to say I sound like a bitch, but that’s wrong too; if I call someone that nine times out of ten they’re “barking” without knowing a damn thing and how can I defend myself against being called skeevy, a pervert, a stalker, #metoo movement dammit. Didn’t I hear somewhere that profanity is a good sign of intelligence, hell or a sign of stupidity and that’s my sin, you know it wasn’t always lusting once before it was stupidity, every word out of my mouth, every word written, indeed who I am but how do I fight against it forever?

It doesn’t matter again right, so I hurt her, I believe I hurt others, honestly, Inspector Echo when it’s a crime to be you what do you do. In this day and age, it’s a crime to be black, but that hasn’t bothered me, in my life as Dr. King put it, it’s the content of my character. Yes, another reason to be a writer because I create characters, but I don’t know who I am because when I was a child that was stolen from me by my father and I became STUPID and why do you think I always ask questions because the answer from every single person is the same. Isn’t that an epiphany and what set me off, perhaps I should thank “Cherry” or at least talk to her again, my mother always said I take out my pain on others guilty or not, we cannot learn without pain, another rule.

People talk about burying the hatchet, and that doesn’t bother me as long as I get to shovel everything else of them as well, ditch diggers aren’t stupid people Inspector Echo, even that takes math. I’m sorry that a year has nearly passed and a bitch is still a bitch, can I be forgiven on how I went off on “Dear Future Wife,” I’m sorry for just finding my button, I’m sorry for my rage but to let it all go requires something I refuse now, Dare To Be Stupid.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 360 ~A Fool For You~

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Name calling, I’m guilty as charged myself, but I will never be one to prescribe to the old rhyme of sticks and stones; my father had one particular name for me, and I refuse to feel that way, NEVER AGAIN. A Fool For You or someone probably

Tuesday, June 26, 2018

Lesson 360 ~A Fool For You~

Dear Future Wife,
Can You Love Me Again, well if I can make you laugh, I can make you do anything? I’m willing to do almost anything. You heard me right I said almost because I’m not *sigh* stupid. Don’t get me wrong, I’m A Fool For You all men are for their women, we can be idiots, hell I swore I’d figure you out someday, and here I am continuing to wonder Are You Into Me and why.

I’m not a smart man… but I know what love is. ― Forrest Gump (1994)

In high school I took a class in French, the language of love and I never got anywhere with it, I had a hard time just speaking English to you, but I learned, I evolved because the first time I saw you well, my heart skipped a beat, I had to catch my breath and my footsteps… They say silence is golden, but I Can’t Help Falling In Love with you, the way you smiled, how your eyes lit up, the way you touched me, your words, almost every one of them, again almost. Only a fool thinks anyone is perfect and I never asked to be a wise man just your man, and if that makes me a fool, well you laughed right along with me, and that’s enough.

Even though I call myself Le Maquis de Joker I only wanted one person to laugh, maybe a few more with the kids, but I’m not good with dad jokes, neither was my father and that’s the reason I say almost. I Will Do Anything For Love, but I won’t do that, and I don’t mean making jokes. Before I even started talking to girls, I wanted to be a comedian because they made people laugh, and before you ask I still hate clowns but for the kids, for you… I won’t be a joke, I can’t, I won’t ever, I’m no genius, but I refuse to be stupid or even thought of as such, I will not be STUPID for you ever; I can take a joke, but I will never be a joke in my home NEVER AGAIN.

“Heh… C’mon, Leslie… can’t you take a joke?”

Leslie Zevo: “Oh yeah! I love jokes! I love all kinds of jokes. But you know what I don’t like? I don’t like people trying to kill me, hurting my family and my friends, and destroying the whole world as I know it. That just doesn’t sit well with me.” ― Toys

Call me whatever you want, your husband, lover, Will, you don’t even have to talk to me at all because you know there are days when there are no words but if there is one I will not stand for, that I refuse to feel it’s stupid, never but always love A Fool For You.

Matchbox Twenty ― Mad Season

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 355 ~Give A Lit Bit~

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Domination 101, how much do I know and what do I believe, this might be an ongoing series considering it has nearly been a year, hell might be a book idea, but I’m talking to the wrong woman, all of them in fact. Give A Little Bit

Thursday, June 21, 2018

Lesson 355 ~Give A Lit Bit~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
Can You Love Me Again after I tell you why I’m a dominant and not like Christian Grey though I am a sadist, I like hurting brunettes, but I love my mother very much and the black women I do like… Zoë Kravitz, Alicia Keys, and Amandla Stenberg before she shaved her head to name a few. Yes, I want the pain, the humiliation, anger, fight, and submission, and the ironic thing is I would never do this to the everyday person, while I loathe humanity my aunt was right and wrong about me destroying the world, that’s just dumb Diana.

Already this is more than I have time for, but unlike lovemaking, I will try and be brief and let me start there, the world has taken so much, I ration myself, I rip myself into pieces and then try to hold it together, to be an Ordinary Human. I have felt all of the above, pain and the like and while Yoda famously said fear leads to anger it can also lead to courage and with it power and where would you want that power to go… vengeance? A person wants to fight, and they say, “you want a piece of me” now not every girl I lay eyes on is love but rather “a viable romantic partner,” and she deserves far more. Indeed it demands my all, and so a submissive gives so must a dominant like me.

Why do I attract the broken and the dirty, because I see and as much as I hate this word “potential” I don’t want to change them but build them up, girls will tell you, I learn all about them, feed them, comfort them and at the same time I want the Madonna and the Whore. I’m sure Sigmund Freud, would have something to say about that but I also mentioned anger, and no I have never abused a woman, and maybe this is fucked up, but I want a woman to know exactly how I feel, the power over oneself finally taken and made desirable. I often say I want a girl that would make an incredible zombie apocalypse partner, a warrior and someone like that must know all of me, the Negan and King Ezekiel, the North to my Markus (Detroit: Become Human, my obsession), the Belle to my Beast, all that I am is yours even If Only For One Night honestly.

This is only the tip of who I am I mean, why am I into an innocent “youthful” look, why do I prefer silk, ribbons, sheets and using clothes rather than leather, ropes, and traditional restraints but I am a dominant because a girl deserves more but why with the world as a whole do I Give A Little Bit.

I Will Have No Fear