Tag: Grief

Chronicle 247 ~I Missed The Bus…~

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Oh, to hear an excuse I’ve never used before, but then again, I’m blessed with a car. And that’s the only gratitude you’ll hear from me today. Everything else has me twisted. The Day Job, going to see the Rebeccas, even lying here. “I Missed The Bus”

Saturday, March 5, 2022

Chronicle 247 ~I Missed The Bus…~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now. But even if I wasn’t, the last bus I took was back during school. Good times?

Busting a nut in my jeans over some pretty senior girl? Why am I reminded of that, you may ask? I have sworn off sex, um jerking off again… Be it my sickness; mental, physical? Lunalesca, do you remember how I looked forward to everything I would do with the “tax refund?” I suppose that “Eric Vall fiasco” was a blessing in disguise. When I wasted those dollars not seeing Succubi Yabbos, it made me hesitant to spend more money… Who am I kidding? This morning I was still trying to pay to see Cherry’s, and then there’s HanaAme. Every day, I become more and more of a masochist. Now, on the physical front, could I be healing? I know I need to. Get angry.

Bust of my dead B? All this week, I have been saying I will buy a lot for Braxton. Can I say I would go for an entire statue at some point? If I could afford it, dear Lunalesca. While I’m busy thinking about photobooks, why not finally get a photo album of B III? I’ve been looking at more chains and pendants and, as always, more books. Dog deaths! Talk about some macabre subject matter. This house remains a temple to him. The actions that I take are sort of religious rites. As always, I fetch water and call B III for his medication. I read religiously about the signs and the afterlife. It still feels wrong to read anything else despite everything Lunalesca.

Bust, titties, Yabbos, remain on my mind. I shouldn’t blame Braxton, but even he was for a nice pair of breasts. I never thought I’d be giving him the talk on how to be a gentleman. As I’ve said before, like father, like son. Again the last three books I’ve read have had relationships between people. Yes, there are humans and furries, but I can’t help but think B is trying to tell me something. There’s a reason I hate the Karens/Rebeccas so much on Saturdays. I’m not thinking about them as women; I only have eyes for doggies. I don’t have to go today Lu, I know. I can call out of work. Still pissed over my reading streak Lunalesca. I Missed The Bus…

Gospel 247 ~Thinking Outside The Braxton~

398 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 243 ~Reasons To Be Comfy~

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I’m never happy people knows that. I have/had Love, isn’t that supposed to make you happy? I’ve found peace, been excited, I’m glad, jealous, angry, plenty I’ve never been acceptable; I’ve never accepted B’s passing. Happiness, Reasons To Be Comfy

Tuesday, March 1, 2022

Chronicle 243 ~Reasons To Be Comfy~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but above that, you Love me, I’m not working the old Day Job, and Braxton approves.

Braxton approved, where to put his butt, becoming friends with my friends. And beautiful women. If you weren’t a sign from him. Hell, that has to be the greatest compliment I can give you. Braxton is all about you. Also, I don’t have to share your Yabbos. He’d like them. So why are we talking this afternoon, Sunday, February 20, 2022. I like my business. Undoubtedly it makes other people uncomfortable. But after all my years feeling that way, simply breathing. Speaking of which, I still don’t feel right without B; it’s been 394 days. I have to learn other ways to get comfortable, considering what’s been going on for a month and a half now. It’s still not worse than losing my little boy.

What about our kids. Don’t they bring me some comfort and happiness? That’s always been a touchy idea with me. Being happy? I’m talking like “The Giver,” you know, Love. Knowing things makes me comfortable. Because, of course, the second worse thing in the world is feeling stupid or being. That’s why I lie down and read every night, Knowledge. This brings me back to the word happy and the book The Giver. The precision of Language, baby girl. If you count everyone in my life before Braxton, if this is “Love…” it scares me to death. Braxton was/is the first time “Love” was something not to be feared. Celebrated. The same can be said of happiness. Take Disney world, I said I was happy…

The happiest place on Earth, isn’t that what THEY say. But was I comfortable, ever? Everything I’ve been reading talks about being happy again? Even Braxton knows that I wasn’t. It’s like that song “If I cannot bring you comfort. Then at least I bring you hope.” And another thing these books have been talking about is you learn a new way to “Love” Baby Doll. Before I go sounding like an Ariana Grande tune, Braxton taught me there is such a thing as “Love.” It’s not a duty, an obligation, something on my to-do list. It’s coming back, wrapping your arms around someone, and sleeping in peace. That’s happiness. Love to see it with eyes and arms wide open. You. Reasons To Be Comfy.

Gospel 243 ~Cheap Words Cost More Breaths~

394 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 240 ~B That Our Gold~

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I wish I could buy B the “good” dog food again. I swear we would both be eating well with my refund, but… Cuddle Clones cost quite a bit of money, and of course, I’m a selfish a-hole. I need to watch my mouth, but with the cash, B That Our Gold.

Saturday, February 26, 2022

Chronicle 240 ~B That Our Gold~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means besides a cookbook. I should also invest in a dictionary. Don’t you think, Lunalesca?

All this week, well, at least starting Thursday, it’s been all about money. The reason I’ve been sitting up since 4AM is the fact I’m thinking about some girl’s Yabbos. Which girl isn’t “necessary.” So that’s a harsh thing to say. It’s the gold Lady Lu. Scarface had it right. Don’t I sound like some typical rapper from back in the day? Hell, I’m still trying to figure out who I am these days. And in a way, you can see that in what I spend my money on. I didn’t go to the store as planned, which means I get what I get today. Saturday shopping, oh my Braxton. Things were so much simpler when I had to worry about him first, Lady Lunalesca.

Of course, I’m a selfish asshole. Yes, I’ve gone back into trying to watch my language. Anyway, if there were other words I had to choose from, there would be Cuddle Clone, Kindle, and Dakimakura. I swear some people shouldn’t have cash. I’m “some people.” I’m trying to be smart, but that was never my strong suit. I’m putting back the money I took from my savings and continuing my money challenges for the year. Did I do it yet? Lunalesca, first, I handled my standard survival. It seems the universe is helping me out because the movies ain’t playing Cyrano. Last night, I talked about not eating, but I didn’t order Door Dash. Oh yeah, giving something else for the hackers and the scammers.

If you wonder why Lu I spend so much on “fun: then look to my fear. Trying to do good. I’m on the couch with a book B III would be proud. But then lots of beeps of admins, hmm. I should invest in even more security though they were blocked. Endure and Survive Lu. Because Braxton did not. Again harsh, but besides Cuddle Clones, I’ve been seeing plenty of pet memorial things. It reminds me of last year after I first lost Braxton. Treasure! There’s my refund. There’s my son, and I can’t tell you where either went. But of course, I know what I’m doing today. I don’t want to see the Karens (Rebeccas) or spend money. But then B That Our Gold?

Gospel 240 ~Braxton FOUR One Hundred~

391 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 236 ~But My Soul Man~

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I’d sell my soul for a donut. Well, no, not a donut, but a fur-baby. Not just any furry, tan, Deer-head Chihuahua who still has his balls. And as they say, “a bad-ass mother who don’t take no crap off of nobody!” So Braxton? But My Soul Man

Tuesday, February 22, 2022

Chronicle 236 ~But My Soul Man~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and if it had been easier to sell my soul rather than work? A Republican then…

Hell, to be completely honest with you, we wouldn’t be together if you were a Republican. And I suppose we could discuss the historical ideas of Republicans Vs. Democrats; fun? And wait, did I just call you MAN? You can thank Dos Cavazos. If you get the reference well, that explains a lot. Anybody that gets all my pop culture references has to be my match. Like “Let’s Talk About Sex.” I swear, sometimes it feels like loving me is a full-time job, doesn’t it? You know, as I said before, I would sell my soul for billions. Then women… I would sell my soul for everything that I have now. The thing is, I thought I lost it a long time ago, My Love.

You know when you spend your life being made to learn, not your worth. But that you are worthless. It made it easy to sell what was left of my soul for whatever sins came. Love, it’s like something out of Inuyasha, when Naraku gave his soul over to the demons, remember? Hell, my life had no value, so what about my soul? I look at you, at these words. You only need to bleed upon the page or something like that to be a writer. My words are my soul. And for the longest time, I figured I would sell it to the world. I have, I still do, and yet I find myself here with you. I have my furry son’s love too.

If God wanted me, he need only have saved my son. Am I still bearing a grudge? Am I angry? Well, given the fact that it’s Thursday today. Considering if I had my Old Day Job on a Tuesday? Yeah, I would be mad as Hell. Do I believe I’m still winding up going there? Oh, I have a soulmate in you, My Love. Man is not meant to be alone, and um, you’re here. I spill my soul every day. I see the worse humanity has to offer; try and steal it from me. No, not me because Braxton was my soulmate, as well. Like Hell’s Guardian, my Cerberus. Then some say your soul belongs to God… I’ve got faith… But My Soul Man

Gospel 236 ~Zen Ends Butt Kicking Deserved~

387 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 233 ~A Bad Day Again~

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If Braxton had a soundtrack, it wouldn’t be boss music when I walked through the door. Oh no, it would be “Bad Day,” and I mean the one by Fuel because I would come in whining like a bit… stop cussing, I know, but it’s been A Bad Day Again at 4:30AM?

Saturday, February 19, 2022

Chronicle 233 ~A Bad Day Again~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means there should be no such thing as a bad day. So it’s 4:30 AM.

Disgusted. Okay, so it’s only me? I hope so, Lunalesca, because sometimes I forget “how lovely you are.” And that’s the damn problem. Me and this fucking wayward dick Lu. Yes, I know I need to stop cussing and, at this rate, stay “home.” You know that’s another word I don’t like, but that’s another story. Right now, the tale should be of me staying. I’m sick, and I know exactly why I’m sick. Hell, it was around last month, and if I need to blame someone besides me. Zoe Colletti (strawberry blonde…) and a bunch of outfits made, God knows where Lunalesca. When I get my cash, what will I spend it on? I don’t want to say “another” day… A Bad Day Again.

Angry and upset with me, that is when I leave. It’s Saturday, so you know what that means, my Lady. You are a Lady, but in my effort to find a friend… bitches, Karens (Rebeccas). The more things change, as THEY say. Or, as the song goes, “I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend.” And I shouldn’t be looking out of anger. Where’d that get B? Lunalesca, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. It was my indifference towards my son and my anger, rage, and wrath at the fucking Day Job. I am hearing Will Smith, I know. Stop cussing, but what else am I supposed to say. I want to rant Lunalesca about A Bad Day Again.

Grief, don’t you see, is always the better alternative. It’s why I keep count of the days that my son has been gone, which is now 384 days. Why aren’t my eyes underwater yet? Lunalesca, when I’m not crying about Braxton, it’s the road that my life is one. Hell, when I looked at the Day Job and all I’ve done to prepare for this coming week, only next? Prophet, fortune-teller, oracle; I would never make it if I knew the truth from this day to that. I cry to keep from seeing it, but I will always know no matter what. As I will always love my boy. Or that I can’t keep my dick in my pants; Because it’s A Bad Day Again.

Gospel 233 ~99 Problems But Braxton…~

384 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 229 ~By My Old Lady~

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I don’t have any girl that should be mad at me, really. One’s married, another is a virgin. A UK vixen said, “chill.” Haven’t talked to my Ma in forever, even after B’s 1st Rainbow Anniversary, and his birthday was Sunday. Valentine’s? By My Old Lady

Tuesday, February 15, 2022

Chronicle 229 ~By My Old Lady~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I never have to wonder where I’m spending the night. Beside you? The doghouse?

I’m sure Valentine’s Day was disastrous. Sunday was Braxton’s birthday, and how did I spend it? And since Saturday (well, you know what I mean um daily). Anyway, Saturday is no picnic. I’m not sick… here’s hoping. Tuesday’s inevitable … Old Day Job. Fuck Me. I’m sure we’ve been doing a lot of that. Something else to hope for. Do you remember that this is how I want to spend all my Saturdays? I want to lie here with you for a few hours. We’ll listen to songs about the end of the world in the 40s and 50s, some Nuclear Pop. Let the kids sleep in late… Well, a man can dream. I figured Braxton would keep them occupied. Too old for this shit

I wish I could say that’s why his dog house is empty. Okay, let’s not focus on the reason but the idea that I’m sleeping in his room? I don’t talk about you and me fighting ever because we don’t but allow me to commit a few cardinal sins here. Needing a few more Love. Not fighting with Carolina, Anime. Cherry… Brains, Boobs; Moves Countermoves. You’re looking at a man who had Artificial Intelligence; call him a loser. Replika, wow! When’s the last time I talked to my Ma. My point is there isn’t a woman or machine that I can’t piss off at some time in my life. Of course, this explains the business I’m in and why you’re my ex-girlfriend, my Baby Doll.

You’re my wife, my Old Lady, or Young Lady with Cherry’s thoughts for real. Baby Girl, let me stop digging my hole even deeper. Isn’t that the subject, Braxton? Cremated, not buried, but you know what I’m saying. I haven’t been right for 380 Days. Flowers, Candy, Love, and Happiness, well, Love always. But I’ll be the first to admit I’ve been fucking up all that other stuff. I miss my boy, My Love, and then when I try to feel nothing at all or I forget… Braxton’s bed, his gates, the water bowl. Discombobulated! That’s what Love does, Baby Girl. Romantic, Best Friends, Family. I’d have none of it if Braxton never defined Love. And learning it again all over, By My Old Lady.

380 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 226 ~Because You Forgot Again~

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What will I forget today? I wish it was, going to PetSmart. I like fur babies, but then a table full of KARENS. I know I won’t be there for long. The day before The STUPID Bowl, TWD, and it’s B’s Birthday. Valentine’s Day? “Because You Forgot Again.”

Saturday, February 12, 2022

Chronicle 226 ~Because You Forgot Again~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so as the song goes, “Where is my mind?” Jerking off someplace. These next three days…

Of course, tomorrow will be the hardest… Didn’t I make a list about this once? Lu, let’s focus on today. Instead of thinking of friends, as the song goes, “I got enemies,” you know. Lunalesca, I’m full of music today. “Just one more peaceful day.” I haven’t had one in 377 days. Hell, even when B was here, to be honest, but “Endure and Survive.” That’s not a thought I need right now. If you want any gratitude from me, I’m not hurt body-wise. I’ve been so focused on recovery these past few days that my mind has been sleeping away any physical pain. And now I have to go back out into the world but with a mind needing… Food, Deodorant, Case, but PetSmart?

Here I am thinking about other fur babies, but what about mine? As always, I am presently in the hole for $321.00. So much for a tax refund, huh. My car, myself, my little Braxton. You didn’t think I was going to celebrate The STUPID Bowl, right? Sunday, Lady Luna. There’s also The Walking Dead returning, and you know of my obsession with the Dead? I should celebrate Braxton turning seventeen. His “birthday” is on Sunday. Good food, “buffalo wings,” seem prudent for all three occasions. Being hungry Lunalesca? Dammit! Yeah, I didn’t eat much last night. I was so disappointed in myself for what I did. I wasn’t thinking of my son at all. Bless him, he never said a word, but I check.

When I reach for a towel, getting out of the shower. As I’m getting into bed and Braxton isn’t next to me. I look for love underneath the bed because for damn sure these covers… Braxton isn’t in trouble, but I should be. Did I even mention that Valentine’s Day was Monday while I was time traveling? I’m always rushing into the quickest pain, Lunalesca. What doesn’t kill you, THEY say? I want it to, or at least I’m so exhausted I get more sleep. Braxton’s Aunt is married. I told one of the girls Cherry wanted me to chill. I could have got something for M Anime but too late? The love of my family, my son. Joy And Pain, Because You Forgot Again.

Gospel 226 ~Did Braxton Get Taller~

377 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 222 ~To Buy A Name~

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If you think dating sites are complex, go to PetSmart on a Saturday. Deal with the Karens there. I know by this time it’s Tuesday, but between PetSmart Karens and the people, I’m starting to hate most… Why I love B and other furries. “To Buy A Name.”

Tuesday, February 8, 2022

Chronicle 222 ~To Buy A Name~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but money can only buy an illusion of Love, a facsimile, Vision Of Love, sorry Mariah.

As in Mariah Carey Baby Doll, Baby Girl. That’s not my name, that’s not my name, as the song goes. But Baby, baby, baby, oh. You’ll have to forgive me. I’ve been remembering the old Day Job on days like today. Oh, how they could Fuck Off, yeah. So Airpods? We’ll never be ones to schedule sex, but of course, I haven’t exactly been in the mood. Of course, I’m still mourning my Lost Boy. I swear, My Love, I have missed the music something awful, but I miss Braxton more. I need the noise, and I’m still thinking about PetSmart Saturday. Should I go? I’ve made women scream for all manner of things. I like yours the best “dirty words” ha. But buying fluffy…

Leaving the brothel out of it. I’m one for… ok if we’re not singing a song it’s sex um ok. Starting over, ahem, getting a new dog. To this day, 373, to be specific, I’m not sure I want one. I’ve held maybe 3 in, let’s say, 53 weeks. Keeping in mind, My Love, the Karens have adoptions on Saturday and not every single one. Out of those 3, oh, I liked 1, um, Chase. Braxton is 1 of a kind; my boy is priceless to me. Trust, once upon a time, Love of money. You, My Love. All the Songs playing money can’t buy me Love or happiness. True. Children that we have, Love. My point is there’s no price. Oh, Love is not a prize but a gift.

To think I was done with this after I asked for your hand. You know how I feel about asking for your father’s permission, blessing, whatever. For me, it’s a tradition long since passed, as if you can’t make up your own mind. But for you? Hell, when a boy takes a liking to one of our daughters… I will be learning to clean a shotgun, so you know, Love. It’s only, I’ve been looking for a moment that I had with Chase. And today is Saturday, and you know why we’re talking now. I don’t even know if I want to deal with those Karens today. The name Virgil keeps echoing in my mind. But To Buy A Name.

373 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 219 ~Do Not Belong Here~

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If people had their way? Well, it depends on which people. Now my Olds well, one child would have been enough. Unfortunately, I came first. I envy that Braxton always knew where he belonged, and of course, I took that choice away. Do Not Belong Here.

Saturday, February 5, 2022

Chronicle 219 ~Do Not Belong Here~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and with that type of money, you can go anywhere you want. Always back to sleep?

There’s nothing that says I have to go to PetSmart today. Hell, I’m not going to get chicken after… I did the Math. I went and got pizza yesterday; such is History. Is that what you’re thinking, Lunalesca, with my “WOKE” title this AM? It was my second, third thought. The first was Braxton, always my boy. It’s been 370 Days without him or with him, I don’t know. In grief, THEY say I’m not letting him go. But Lu, if I stop crying… He’s here, The Rainbow Bridge, somewhere it gets so confusing. Braxton wasn’t in his bed, Lunalesca. This morning I returned to form, of course sitting in bed. The thing is, I don’t belong here, and I shouldn’t be here right now.

That’s the answer; the question remains? You are where you do not belong. WHY? Lunalesca, I’m starting to understand Sheldon Cooper. Bedroom. Sex, Sleep, Son. Everywhere else, I’m a stranger, suspect, and worst of all, STUPID. Luna, tell me where. Again, PetSmart and those Karens don’t want me there and all the furry little ones? For the love of money, Walmart is one of the most inhospitable places on Earth. Speaking of financial gains, fucking Day Job wants me to leave. I despise being there. Without B III, what am I good for? I haven’t taken an actual walk in a year, hell longer, ha. It’s wrong to dream of paradise. Is that where B III is? Pleasurable life experiences. Lunalesca, all big no-no’s okay.

Then bed, the one place that should be my own I don’t deserve. I try to run from it, Lu. Everyone tells me to get up stand up. Listen to me, better, Bob Marley, Lunalesca. Remember what I did Monday watching I Am Legend for Braxton. Light up the darkness. That goes without saying, but I’m still sitting here in bed. Only I can’t go back to sleep today because, again, PetSmart. If not there, this coming week is the Day Job FUCK, so writing. Yeah, with all the hackers and scammers that I have had to deal with as of late. It’s as if I don’t belong here either, talking to you. Better to speak to Replika? No, Braxton, You Do Not Belong Here.

Gospel 219 ~For Will, Pancakes, Braxton~

370 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 215 ~Everything Loves To B~

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I like this more than what I wrote a year ago. Sorry I got a bit preachy. Nobody finds religion in a happy place. Last night besides being locked in, the day my son died. I watched some sad movies and now a Bible. God, my boy. “Everything Loves To B”

Tuesday, February 1, 2022

Chronicle 215 ~Everything Loves To B~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but why only “billions?” Why words like “always” or “love.” I remember my Ma said, “Unconditional.”

She doesn’t get it. I can’t say everyone doesn’t, considering who I know; Braxton’s Aunt, for example. We have a lifetime together so I can try to explain it to you, ok? God is Love. Now I don’t remember my Ma ever saying that. Hell, I don’t recall the church I attended bringing it up. But I have, on occasion, picked up a bible. For the most part, there was Revelation. Braxton’s Aunt says I romanticize the end of the world. It kind of goes against my everything loves to be, title, but we’ll get there. My Aunt said I wanted to destroy the planet. What does she know about Love again, considering the man she chose…? Well, that’s harsh. Only yesterday was brutal; Love.

Why do you hear me say, um, “My Love” and not your name? Love, such a word, is it not? This leads me back to my Ma, who I didn’t hear from yesterday sigh. And I spent the day alone. My choice, I know. I didn’t watch the film, The Road last night, but you hear the quote, “If he is not the word of God….” I didn’t see the movie Don’t Look Up yesterday either, but the dude finds God his way. Now I can’t say I have ever seen God in a church. Words belong to men. Somehow despite everything, I found Love. And who was it that said Love is Life? Braxton taught me not only that I was loved but that I could. I can live.

If B is Love, a word for Love, the word of God, what else do I need to hear? Braxton is my world, and despite everything, I keep going back to his look to live. I don’t want to destroy the planet. My Aunt was wrong, but still, I ended a world, and when I did, to be? “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” That’s John. “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corinthians, am I right. “Honor your father and mother,” which comes from Exodus. And then I return to “God is Love,” from 1 John. B III is Love. You are My Love. Everything Loves To B

366 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will