Tag: Love

Gospel 256 ~Good Uh Normal Braxton~

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Hate is not normal. Unless you’re my Dad, the Day Job, The Devil… well, actually, I’m enjoying Eric Vall’s Succubus Lord series. It’s wrong, though, to feel good about anything without Braxton. Being bereft of love now? “Good Uh Normal Braxton,” nope

Sunday, March 14, 2021

Gospel 256 ~Good Uh Normal Braxton~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, but “why can’t you just be normal?” What am I saying, huh? Braxton’s been gone six weeks.

If anything, he was the closest to happiness you were ever going to get. Again not that I would know. Last night I had a “nightmare” about a car crash. As the song goes, “the dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had.” I wonder what B III dreamed of sometimes. It couldn’t be dying, and I’m not saying that animals don’t understand it. Braxton never lost anyone to it. You don’t remember what life was like before Braxton, but you don’t want to either. For the last week, I have kept up with a routine, well, at least until Friday. Grief has been normal but if I were to talk about, let’s say, apocalypse prep. Braxton’s gone, so the world’s ended.

You wish, don’t you? I wouldn’t blame you for curling back under the covers and falling asleep now. Denial, Depression, and demons of all shapes and sizes, even before Braxton’s death. These things were considered normal. Normal, fuck that, absolutely. Pardon the language but wouldn’t THEY say that hate isn’t normal? You hate you, right? At the moment, though, it’s the Day Job. They disturbed your moment of silence for Braxton. How about fucking up your schedule and expecting you to what, just go on? Dammit, be good, be normal, and not crazy. Should I repeat everything, you’re going to do this week yet again. Well, springing forward isn’t helping now, is it? Another first without Braxton, sigh. Now in that regard, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, “My Dark Vanessa” Kate Russell
    Completed
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, Braxton’s Albums
    Failed
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 072 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 079) No Fap
  5. I Am Cleaning Out The Refrigerator (Braxton’s Last Meal)
    Failed
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

How about failing time and time again that’s the normal state of affairs? You even asked Braxton for strength and what? Well, you did read and then spent a half-hour looking up more books. While we’re on the subject, you can’t go spending cash as I did on Saturday, ok? Like watching Songbird on Amazon Prime. I wanted to feel things other than anger for a bit. Without it, you’ll move onto Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. Hell, you woke up depressed again. It’s a constant state but living in denial, that’s “the new normal” for you. As with Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, “Succubus Lord 10” Eric Vall
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, Braxton’s Albums
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 079 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I Am Cleaning Out The Refrigerator (Braxton’s Last Meal)
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am

Braxton was a good boy, time to get on his level being a good man? Already Bargaining ain’t that right, friend. Good Uh Normal Braxton

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 251 ~Worries And Wrinkles Braxton~

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I must be getting old, as I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. Has it really been only thirty-seven days so far? To be fair, how am I supposed to be looking into the future now? Love can’t tell time, and still, I have “Worries And Wrinkles Braxton.”

Tuesday, March 9, 2021

Gospel 251 ~Worries And Wrinkles Braxton~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now and still a father. Only when you lose a child… and I know, how dare I.

I’ve been getting that a lot for five weeks. People telling me what my son IS, WAS, NOT. Waking up “late” this morning, I saw this thing on Youtube about Leela from Futurama. They thought she was an “Alien” initially, but she was a “Mutant” actually. Because she was an alien, that made her special but being a mutant would have her living in the sewer. There are also those people that lavish great attention on their pets. Hell, they’re treated better than people. Love, being not only a feeling but action, I find myself amongst them. Eternally, Braxton will be my son. There were only fifteen years, one month in my arms. One month, one week, two days, gone. We grew old; we grow old together. Love never dies.

“Love can’t tell time,” either, as I heard in a movie once. I met him when I was around twenty-one. My love, when we got together, um, wow. As the song goes, “and they call it puppy-love” and somebody else, “you say it’s puppy love, we say it’s full-grown,” yep. Young people right, and then we had our kids, and suddenly I’m an “Old Man.” I still envision how that would be for Braxton. How many times have I said it, B III with a little beard? His tan hair is turning grey as he lay there between the children protecting them. Painful for them to see how this turned out, and I would worry. You worry about me going crazy, thirty-seven days and counting.

Braxton’s first day of “school” was when I had to go out of town. I took him in, hoping he would make friends and be happy. He had the girls chasing him; I had to give him “the talk.” On those last days, the words “I’ll help you” keep echoing in my ears. Did I?
Then I’m supposed to act like, what a “dog owner?” My Olds have already returned to “factory settings” after what “three weeks.” My mother told me she was glad I wasn’t dead, and my “father…” let me know if you find someone who knows he has a son at all. Like father like son, how much did I acknowledge Braxton and my love for him? My Worries And Wrinkles Braxton.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 250 ~Consider Threats Like Any Invitation~

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I killed him. I’ll never forget it was my fault, my responsibility, my failure. When my Olds moved, I said to him, “Get in the car, Braxton.” inviting him into my life. He gave me the gift of his. If I had known… Consider Threats Like Any Invitation.

Monday, March 8, 2021

Gospel 250 ~Consider Threats Like Any Invitation~

Hundred And Seventy-Eighth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but Braxton IS priceless…still. The things I bought to keep us safe.

I grabbed my gun last night when I heard noises coming from downstairs. Once “something fell,” I never figured out what. So I grabbed B III and left him upstairs as I took one of my knives and my phone to go looking everywhere. Easy to be black and die. Not that I mean to be political today, or am I sick of crying every morning? So many times, I’ve said my biggest fear IS leaving him. Not once did I consider he would leave me. I’m not STUPID, but B is going to live forever, I would tell myself. I’d die protecting my boy. When I saw his sickness, it was like, Braxton is strong, a fighter, he’ll beat it; “there goes My Hero.”

Like his Old Man, he could be a villain too. Braxton and I had our fights from time to time. Hell, how many times did I swear I would never become like my “father?” I have a whole house to hide in, and B III will hide under the bed. God, don’t make me terrifying. Madam Justice, one of my favorite ways to wake up in the morning would be Braxton and me back to back. I would be facing the door, his greatest enemy, and he would face alarms. Yeah, one of the reasons I finally made it back to the table… I hate my Day Job, so write. Write about all the enemies we had, people, places, and things. Brothers against the world

It would be easier to count out those things that brought us peace. Yet again, why I hate myself, I brought Braxton into a life of fear, so much so that he would seek it out. Even when there was nothing there, he would bark as though to ward off evils I could not stop. The Dog Stop told me that Braxton IS so mean because he wanted to protect me always, but when it was my turn? I wanted to protect everyone from him.

Suppose I’d been braver, more brazen, appreciative of the beauty of this whole world. Finding bliss, a semblance of peace. Holding him on that last day, it wasn’t that. When he became mine, “Get in the car, Braxton,” I said. Consider Threats Like Any Invitation

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 249 ~Braxton “The Belly” Bully~

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Now, where did I leave it; seven more treats, water, a clean bathroom pad, and yep his food in the fridge, but I can’t throw any of it away. I should at least check that back left from Thanksgiving. “Braxton “The Belly” Bully,” I’d buy him all the fries.

Sunday, March 7, 2021

Gospel 249 ~Braxton “The Belly” Bully~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, and even if you hired another maid, she better not touch any of Braxton’s things all around.

But what brings this on today? You haven’t been downstairs yet, but in a few minutes… Yep, I thought about it yesterday. You’ll go into your bag of treats, setting down another one in his room to go uneaten. How about shaking the meds left and calling out to him? Believing it’s crazy and knowing it’s day thirty-five and you’re crying, yet again. Five weeks and you’re still here, and he’s still gone. Hell, you’ve starved yourself for less. You’re remembering how Braxton was dying; maybe why you eat so much now. Eating for two? Not if you look in that bag leftover from Thanksgiving. Whatever’s left in there must be a new species. If you wanted to die, since you forgot Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 065 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 072) No Fap
  2. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Writing “Look A Thing Like Santa”
    Failed
  5. I AM Finishing Gathering, Braxton’s Albums
    Partial Completion
  6. I AM Finishing Reading, “Succubus Lord 9” Eric Vall
    Failed

Enough about your own belly and back to Braxton’s, always Braxton’s or not. You’re still buying sour gummy bears, worms, straws, what have you. Only you’ve been going more for chocolate, no fries, more onion rings, trips to Subway. It’s good, which means it’s bad. Like keeping Braxton’s memory alive, but what about his Last Meal? You were just in the kitchen, and what did you do? Organizing B III’s pills, the halves, and the ones you need to take back for Banfield for them to cut. Only that will never happen. There’s no reason. His food, though… what must it look like? As always, his water dish is full. The dry food is in the fridge; everything is waiting. So are Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, “My Dark Vanessa” Kate Russell
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, Braxton’s Albums
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 072 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I Am Cleaning Out The Refrigerator (Braxton’s Last Meal)
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am

It’s been a long time since you fixed the order. Food, parking spaces, this? Chances are, like me, you’ll only get the same two completed despite having all the time in the world this week. It would be for the best if you didn’t spend it eating and sleeping. Braxton would consider it time well spent. He did like to spend some time walking, working off one of those pounds, didn’t he. What about a belly rub? Please don’t open that bag of his hair. It’s one of the last things you have. Remember to eat breakfast but no sharing. Dammit, at this point, you would give him the plate. Like when he was young. When we were young, you and Braxton “The Belly” Bully.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 244 ~Groovy Braxton’s Growling Goodness~

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Braxton got a collar… a dog is a lifetime commitment or theirs. He’d freak out about his, then I think about putting a “rock” on a girl’s finger? For now, there’s only the black chain around my neck reminding me of Groovy Braxton’s Growling Goodness.

Tuesday, March 2, 2021

Gospel 244 ~Groovy Braxton’s Growling Goodness~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which explains your even bigger ring. Braxton has three (collars) noticed. The nightstand, bed, my pendant.

Goodness, what am I getting to today? It’s not that comedy comes in threes. It still hurts to laugh, or it feels wrong. I’ve never been a man of laughter, and neither was B III, but we had our moments. So how else are we supposed to tell if something is good or not? As the poem goes, “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.” Of course, I couldn’t hope to do such words justice, but I might do far better than Braxton. Yet he could never say he loved me, but I believe B did; he does. I told him every day. But Braxton, sheesh.
All this you’ve heard, him freaking out about his collar or giving me his favorite toy.

Are you ready to kill me yet comparing puppy love to our love? Didn’t think so because “My Love Is Your Love,” and I’m sure this is still hurting you too. Again Braxton wasn’t too fond of you at first but to see us hurting like this? He tried to fight as long as possible. “It Must Have Been Love” when he growled at me to stay in your arms. I know the feeling. No disrespect, Baby Girl, but no doubt the best hugs came from Braxton. Maybe it’s because I gave instead of received, and he let me. It was like getting his second collar.
The one that still rests in his bed that I always carry. I can hear him even now growling.

Groovy and hip, though, that’s what I thought when the ladies gave me his brand-new collar. Wishful thinking, huh, that being around other people and “kids” made him more mellow. I wouldn’t consider myself that way, My Love but the person I was before Braxton…

These days without him, without Braxton urging me in his own way to be good. Not to be so wrathful as I once was. Being I don’t know who without him and shouldn’t I do that already My Love? I have you and our children, I know. We all have A Groovy Kind of Love. I love you. Braxton didn’t just “belong” to me; he is my best friend, a brother, my son. His life was mine but mine. “I shall but love thee better after death,” don’t I now?

Am I talking about the Force or some new age philosophy, my love for the written word? Braxton was all about free love. When I met you, My Love, Braxton turned all Make Love, Not War. His world was full of sunshine, flowers, and of course, he provided enough fur and hair. Now comes the Rainbow Bridge, as they say. Why did they have to make it even MORE perfect by taking him? Circles of life; how many are there? I’m not hip or groovy without Groovy Braxton’s Growling Goodness.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 243 ~Cheap Words Cost More Breaths~

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A song goes; a penny for my thoughts. I’ll sell them for a dollar. All I want is my best friend back. I keep asking, but I keep confessing too. He’s not coming back, and I’m guilty. And if I had the right words… Cheap Words Cost More Breaths yep

Monday, March 1, 2021

Gospel 243 ~Cheap Words Cost More Breaths~

Hundred And Seventy-Seventh Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and it cost me around three hours to say that every day.

How much of that time could have been spent with Braxton? Hell, with as many times as I said NO to him over the years. Why couldn’t I have died with him? Careful, right, Madam Justice, with those kinds of thoughts. Not that I care so much what happens anymore. You know the list of my most hated words? Please keep in mind people have been calling me crazy forever. To be driven insane with Braxton’s passing? Ain’t I ashamed of myself for not talking this much about him when he was here. Let me say his name for all. Braxton Barks Bradford. That will bring on a few more bleeps and bloops from the hackers and scammers. My boy, his name, what a world

One in which I break down crying that I forgot to say goodnight to him on Friday. I can’t forget; I won’t allow myself to forget. Dammit, Madam Justice, it’s only been one month. The shortest month of the year, his birthday. B III would have been sixteen only now… Yeah, I’m not asking him what he wants for it. “More fries, Daddy. Can I have more fries?” A few fewer trips to McDonald’s. No more calls to Banfield or setting up appointments at the groomers. I’d gladly pay the price; at least then, my breaths would have some purpose. Braxton was worth every single one. I would talk to myself often enough, my Olds would tell you. At least with B, I could pretend.

It’s still called Denial. I speak in the mornings, at night, outings, and for medicine. Other than that, the house is dead silent, give or take background noises. It’s colder but without Braxton’s barks, breaths, or beating heart. The people outside are more annoying and enraging. Madam Justice, might I add forgetfulness. I don’t remember the last words I said to my son before the end. We were both quiet in the car because he no longer had the strength, and my words didn’t matter that trip. Actions, it’s the actions and what was mine, Betrayal. “I’ll help you,” “I tried,” I’m sorry,” “I love you,” “goodbye,” I am a broken record. “Let’s go home.”

Cheaper, of course, but to keep breathing? Hell’s My Debt. Cheap Words Cost More Breaths.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 242 ~Rats, No Just Braxton~

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It’s been one month since Braxton left. I haven’t changed his bathroom pad; his water bowl is still changed twice a day. Twenty-eight treats sit on the table. I haven’t changed the bed, his food is in the fridge. “Rats, No Just Braxton,” or so I deny

Sunday, February 28, 2021

Gospel 242 ~Rats, No Just Braxton~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, and here you are worried about rats, creepy crawlers, and why are you itchy. Is it Fatal?

Not like Braxton, as you can see, twenty-eight treats. The days, the month being without him. Another Sunday you’re not looking forward to, and should you? Last night I dreamt about rats of all sizes “crumbling and crawling all around my feet,” the song plays. Nothing is stopping them now, no matter the universe. You hear sounds now and what could once be B III, well who knows now. Again you have B’s food sitting out. Do you think you should look in the fridge at his “Last Meal?” No wonder your eyes are tired. Crying again in dirty sheets, wearing your favorite hoody, still looking for him. Is it any surprise something might have bit you? Braxton should. You’re not doing Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 058 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 065) No Fap
  2. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Writing “Look A Thing Like Santa”
    Failed
  5. I AM Finishing Gathering, Braxton’s Albums
    Partial Completion
  6. I AM Finishing Reading, The Last Teacher by Chris Dietzel
    Completed

He has not been an excuse for a month, and how about all last year? Can you consider this “Bargaining” what you’re doing now? Oh, if I were a better man; if I had worked harder back then. Besides Sunday, you’re going to hate yourself, um, Wednesday. You know that. January 27, to be precise. There was a problem, Braxton cried, but all you could say was RATS. Stupid people, you know, and then Braxton’s situation, but no, you’ll let hate eat you alive. I would say I’m sorry for ruining your week already but wasn’t it? Yeah, it is. Talk to Ethan Montgomery, Dr. Robert Neville, Philip J. Fry. The list goes on. After you lose your best friend, what’s next? Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 065 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Writing “Look A Thing Like Santa”
  5. I AM Finishing Gathering, Braxton’s Albums
  6. I AM Finishing Reading, Succubus Lord 9 by Eric Vall

What’s impossible is for the world to stop. I don’t want to laugh. I don’t want to like, most days, I know you won’t want to live. The distractions keep coming, though, like those rats. Only Braxton isn’t here to cover you anymore, to wake you up. Braxton, Come Home. He has, he won’t, Braxton’s gone, he’s everywhere and nowhere. All I know is he wasn’t in my dream, and I was surrounded. Not being bitten only covered in the rats, and what does that mean? Like I’ve said before, I only say Braxton’s name, and I don’t worry anymore. Demons, Desires, Distractions, how you wish you were covered in dirt; well, aren’t you? The Walking Dead starts tonight. Day Job? Rats, No Just Braxton.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 237 ~B Leave In Love~

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I’ve seen plenty of people go in a variety of ways. Some, I think, gave themselves too much credit. Give me one lousy night, maybe a week, and I move on. Braxton though; some say God is Love, B III is Love and losing him to let it go. B Leave In Love

Tuesday, February 23, 2021

Gospel 237 ~B Leave In Love~

Dear Future Wife,

I AM a Billionaire right now but like the songs… AHEM, Money Can’t Buy Me Love. My Love Don’t Cost A Thing.

I believe I’ve spent more in twenty-three days on Braxton than I have in the last months of his life. Hell, I still am. I want more frames, candles, a pedestal for his room. Of course, you know this. On my phone is a reminder for “HomeAgain” Renewal every week. Believe me; I won’t be taking it off any time soon. I won’t stop talking to him or doing any of the stuff we’ve been over this month. Forever I’ll say routine, but how do you stop loving someone, baby girl. That’s what people don’t get about this; obsession, mourning? B leaves, and I’m like this. Everyone else? I do kiss and tell, I’ll admit, but I’m talking about one night. Someone got three novels.

B leaves, and the ink is trying to outrun the tears. The sweat will never clean the blood from my hands. Can we not talk about the stuff they filled him with? That’s what I’ve been thinking the past few days. Did B leave, or did I let him go, like oh so many times? “B III, go play” when I would send him outside. How many opportunities did I miss? What about when I wanted alone time? One more reason for morning showers and very late nights. He didn’t care much for you. At first, I know, but I was in Love and Braxton… B III he didn’t want to leave. He didn’t want to hurt either, and I wanted to show my Love.

Believe me; I understand this song more than ever “Only know you love (him) when you let (him) go.” He knew, which is why he chose to hide under the bed and walk to his water, to stand there calmly as we drove. In his absence, he wanted me to love myself, to be ready. B III would leave me with his toy. Braxton even got around to leaving me with you. His Love for me extended to him wanting to protect our children. He loved them and wouldn’t want to leave them. So he looked to his daddy, and I asked him to leave.

“B III, it’s okay. You can go. You can leave.” Such Love, him, me you, us, B Leave In Love

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 236 ~Zen Ends Butt Kicking Deserved~

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I don’t want peace, and the quiet is killing me. Let me have my exhaustion and with what my eyes have been doing lately, tuning out, tearing up, taking down every bit of pain as if it would stop my own. “Zen Ends Butt Kicking Deserved”

Monday, February 22, 2021

Gospel 236 ~Zen Ends Butt Kicking Deserved~

Hundred And Seventy-Six Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I’m still not angry about Braxton. Well, how do I know I started talking to you Friday. Say it with me, Madam Justice AHEM “Time-Travel.” What I know for sure is this? I’m not Zen. I don’t know what’s what anymore. I’m still reading anything and everything, well, after crying that Braxton isn’t curled up against me. It’s my fault. I’m the one to blame. Talk about a butt kicking deserved. I have those pamphlets on grief the vet gave me. To this day, I believe I’m in Denial, but Anger?

I don’t know how to describe it. Every morning when I wake up, the living routine. You know when I sleep, I’m gone though I’ve begun to dream again. Nothing about B III, only pain, and don’t tell me you can’t feel it in dreams. I’m usually shocked then, waterworks. Most of the time, I’m on autopilot. My mom asked me do I watch a lot of Dish; anything to break up the silence. Only what I mean is, it’s like that movie Warm Bodies, and I’m “R.” What do zombies do? Who was R before Julie and then without her? B’s not coming back. But what peace I knew…again routine, Denial. Braxton is only outside or under the bed. I joined a club about dogs, but I’m finding people much like myself. Madam J, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. So then I look for more pain and for what, my catharsis?

“It’s easier not to feel. Then I wouldn’t have to feel like this.” R – from the movie Warm Bodies

Disgusting, but how about wishing it was me? I’ll be damned if an animal is in pain. My Braxton suffered. People though… You know the song, “the dreams in which I’m dying…” My side was hurting; I thought I got bitten by something, wishing sicknesses. I’ve been eating more. Now I’ve starved myself for at least a week, but now food is the punishment. I said before I’ve been craving things like onion rings, chocolate, Burger King. Anything Braxton can’t have or that breaks my routine and increases my shame. Some time ago, I saw the police, and while they can pick anything at all… My killing Braxton. I’m Eddie Murphy in The Golden Child; I should be punished, purged, never purified. Hell’s not scary.

Living like this… peace, any thought of Zen’s the crime. Laugh, Smile, Funny Face, Braxton. Zen Ends Butt Kicking Deserved.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 235 ~Doublethink Of B III~

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He’s gone. He’s on my nightstand, his collar in his bed, his toy on his pillow. His leash sits, treats uneaten, water bowl full. I say “good morning,” set the treats, fill the bowls, and open the gates. I know, and then I don’t “Doublethink Of B III”

Sunday, February 21, 2021

Gospel 235 ~Doublethink Of B III~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now. But you’re broke. I hate you, but you desperately want to love. I’m dead, but you’re breathing.

As it was three weeks ago. Twenty-one days, today is the twenty-first day, and I still know what I did and you. You killed Braxton; you did. No denying that.

The paperwork is still on the coffee table; twenty-one treats are lying in his room, uneaten. An empty collar rest in his bed. His oldest one is on the nightstand. Now at the same time, you ended his suffering. He was starving himself because of kidney failure. He could barely move and yet somehow wouldn’t take his water beside him. Not Braxton because Daddy worries, so he had to pretend to be ok. B III had to be brave, ok? I know you’re tired of having to be. It’s why you fall asleep after trying to live. What, your truth? Early to bed, to rise…

Are you richer or wise? Well, you got your tax refund back. You can believe that your son is out there somewhere, The Rainbow Bridge, Heaven, in your heart. At the same time, what’s that around your neck? I spent hours working on his pictures. B is in a box. Only like me, you’ll continue to say he’s right outside, under the bed, in his house. You still want a memorial stone, more picture frames, candles. What about one of those dog blankets or some artwork? You owe his grandma $150.00 for helping with “arrangements.” You’ll finally have to start paying attention to your finances. What about walking into Walmart again? I did yesterday for Subway and some buffalo wings. Living again, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 051 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 058) No Fap
  2. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Writing “Look A Thing Like Santa”
    Failed
  5. I AM Finishing Gathering, Braxton’s Albums
    Partial Completion, Looking For Picture Dates
  6. I AM Finishing Reading “A Dog’s Purpose” W. Bruce Cameron
    Completed

Should I expect you’ll do better? You were up at 4:00 AM, but we didn’t start chatting until 9:00 AM. Braxton was good for focus, not that I will ever know. No more calls to the vet to pick up medication or trips to PetSmart. How long has B had the same bathroom pad or dry food? Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 058 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Writing “Look A Thing Like Santa”
  5. I AM Finishing Gathering, Braxton’s Albums
  6. I AM Finishing Reading, The Last Teacher by Chris Dietzel

With you still reading and all, if there’s one thing you took from A Dog’s Purpose… Could Braxton be reborn? At the same time, you can’t think of another fur baby. You’ll never be the father you were, dammit, the man. You’ll still talk to Dear Future Wife but never Dirty Diana, despite paying $60.00.

Routinely living for B who’s gone; Doublethink Of B III

I Am Afraid Without Braxton