Tag: Sickness

Lesson 324 ~Is She Zombie Apocalypse Material~

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I think someone should put this in the wedding vows, maybe I will, but I’m getting ahead of myself, zombies will walk the Earth before I end up wrangled up at some point but I could get lucky thus this rule. Is She Zombie Apocalypse Material hmm

Monday, May 21, 2018

Lesson 324 ~Is She Zombie Apocalypse Material~

Thirty-Third Rule Madam Justice

Can You Love Me Again, after you see me, the real me; the religious need gods to hold them accountable but I’m just a man keeping the beast in check and waiting for humanity to mess up so I can break this “Rusty Cage” and run. I know I don’t look like the type to do I, a fighter, a survivor, though they reiterate it’s the quiet ones you have to watch… how much do I hate that saying, seriously?

I can’t look people in the face most days; I’m only making it day by day because the rules of this world would have me as a second-class citizen, Jim Crow, though I don’t mean to sound all racial. Like John Dorie on “Fear The Walking Dead” I was having a conversation with myself, and I was saying how people want to stomp in your face, but the moment you rise and don’t prescribe to their ideas of you they freak out. This day and age, thinking these things can get a person in a lot of trouble I know it, but I’m going to rise someday, might take to the end of the world but I will, and I’ll survive and these other people…

“If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face forever.”
George Orwell, 1984

Maybe that’s why I attract damaged girls, survivors; if there is one thing that I have learned from every zombie show, movie, and video game, it’s that people are the real enemy. As much as I have dreamed of being one of them I’m starting to think that it’s like a plague. Zombies eat people, and it’s like everyday people are from “Pontypool,” and nobody wants to listen, to understand and I am a firm believer that someday the dead will walk the Earth; if we’re not already. Madam Justice it could be the idea that I think the only way I’ll get a girl is if “It’s The End Of The World” as we know it and I feel fine, but yeah I don’t want to be lonely. Still, I do enjoy my dog’s company, but people do need people ain’t that something huh?

“Fight The Dead, Fear The Living” ― The Walking Dead

To be less scary I like girls that can be quiet, that read, that relish sitting in the dark (movies). Isn’t one of my biggest fantasies, only to lie in bed with a girl on a sunny day, listening to nuclear pop, Atom Bomb Baby, Thirteen Women, Watch World War Three on Pay TV, etc. Throw in getting energized by sex, violence, and of course quiet and I’m in love; she can endure this world, at times even enjoy it but she can’t be dead like them. Hell “Dead Like Me,” if she can make me feel alive Madam Justice, Is She Zombie Apocalypse Material.
I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 317 ~Why Kill Yourself For Anyone~

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One of the earlier rules or questions and not in the top ten, so life may be getting better and before anyone panics because of this day and age we live in, I’m okay, my biggest worry is the stir my past will cause. Why Kill Yourself For Anyone.

Monday, May 14, 2018

Lesson 317 ~Why Kill Yourself For Anyone~

Thirty-Second Rule Madam Justice

Can You Love Me Again, after you’ve seen my darkness and so you know I feel somewhat okay, I’m always partly suicidal; if I had a button that could end it all, today it would be in the closet but anyway I look at this rule three ways just saying.

If you ever asked me one reason as to why I would want to kill myself… my father point blank period, one word from him and I feel like the stupidest, most pathetic and worthless cretin to ever walk the planet. Rape, Madam Justice is perhaps the most horrific crime that can be inflicted on a person and one day I will discuss my “Ravishment” fetish but the idea that you can take not someone’s body but their soul, and kill it. In the end, this is all about me, but I can blame school, religion, the bitch, women the list goes on but the first time I ever tried to OD on sleeping pills it was my father. Only surviving I suppose is the biggest F* U I can give him, “Who Made Who?”

Now being a man I’m also an idiot thinking I can buy a woman perhaps… I went on a pornstar’s wish list once buying her stuff and tell me what did I think that would accomplish? Hell pretty much all of humanity’s achievements have been fixated on the idea of men trying to get laid and what about women, what do women want, I bought a book on the subject; and how many stupid things have I done over the years for a woman? Where the bitch was blip once upon a time, my whole blog became about confession, shame, a history lesson and we’re three hundred and seventeen posts in with others I ask myself why do I keep writing… hmm, I don’t know.

“Who the hell are you? You’d would have done better with “Bitch, get in the car.” ― Bad Company (2002)

Speaking of which, who am I, most attention I got… I starved myself for three days and gave the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline my zip code, had the cops and paramedics nearly knocking my father’s door down. For the record I despise the Lifeline, I almost killed myself and lost everything in a night because my father didn’t give a shit. Long story but anyway if I died nobody would care and I refuse to have my life’s work securitized, misinterpreted, destroyed or making that ass clown rich. I don’t hurt people as much as I would like to, zombies, purge, what have you but I don’t owe any favors… well many favors and who knows maybe I want to torture myself, a damn sadist in the bedroom and a masochist in my everyday life.

No Madam Justice nobody is worth it, though I would die to protect my dog, both he and my father know this, and maybe one day I’ll find someone worth my life, but for now, Why Kill Yourself For Anyone.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 310 ~ You Must Always Live Brave~

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Another lesson on fear where I should find the courage to live and I may have done so when I was but a child but with age has come a plethora of bad experiences and I’ve been down this road before. You Must Always Live Brave.

Monday, May 07, 2018

Lesson 310 ~ You Must Always Live Brave~

Thirty-First Rule Madam Justice

Can You Love Me Again, did you love me before and now you’re so afraid of losing me that anyone else can be sacrificed only to keep me safe, but how shall I ever learn to become brave? How do I even define brave, you know what would have been brave today, talking to a pretty brunette, looking a man in the eye, hell maybe speaking a little bit louder, I swear these words.

As I said before courage is merely the acceptance of fear and doing what you wish, fear is a virus and courage found and practiced daily, but some days I guess I don’t and when you miss a day… That’s why I’m always telling myself to get out, to do things that make me afraid so I must be brave yet how foolish is that to seek out fear, “Remember What Fear Taste Like.” Is it not courageous though to face down the monster that I’m always called, to learn from experience and know I am a better man because when has such ideology ever helped me in the end?

Women *sigh* at the end of the day, however, I justify them I can still call it fear, but not when I find myself in pieces, and then that’s not fear at all, that’s actual danger. Nevertheless, that must be faced down. No, I take that back, you must face it head-on but what happens after that Madam Justice, fear not being equal to danger, but I get fired, I get in a fight, people think this or that of me? What about at this particular moment, what would a brave man do, what would an intelligent man do, see that’s the thing I can’t be either because for me the rule is more often you must always survive afraid.

I want to live Madam Justice honest I do, and it’s always once I have power, once I have nothing to lose, which of course is impossible, and in this situation, I stand to lose everything. It won’t be the first rule I’ve broken, and it won’t be the last… am I saying I’m giving up; Madam Justice tell me how, is it not brave to be myself even if that man is a sniveling coward, at least I survive?

One day though, I promise you, if I ever touch life, I won’t let it go and then my friend You Must Always Live Brave.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 289 ~Going To Hell, Them First~

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I’ve never pictured myself making it to Heaven and anybody that ticks me off certainly ain’t that righteous because if you get your rocks off torturing someone like me… anyway another story. Going To Hell, Them First as it should be ha

Monday, April 16, 2018

Lesson 289 ~Going To Hell, Them First~

Twenty-Eighth Rule Madam Justice

I Am Not Fine Today, it’s this hate, you know me Madam Justice, I don’t want to hurt anybody when I walk out the door, noted I’m always ready for a war with a few choice individuals but live and let live. So I go to the movies last night, just trying to order some snacks and these four women start pointing and laughing at me like I’m some big joke, nobody else just them.

That’s the problem, like with any disease you don’t want to do damage to what’s right and healthy but the virus, the bad only wishes to infect every single part of what is the best of us. I’m not Cancer Madam Justice, I know what you’re thinking, even though if I were one for reincarnation I would like to be a virus, a zombie sickness if I may be ever so specific. If anything I’m wounded and all I want to do is heal, but people like my boss, like those stupid women, that janitor, that bitch poke me, they won’t stop, they want to know. If you keep poking at a wound what happens, as Morgan would put it, “you know what it is” you know I’m sure right?

Still, I don’t die though everyone does, only you outlive your enemies, not friends… that is honestly going in my rules, but the thing is for a guy like me, hate cannot know such distance, not if I am going to be a part of this world. I hate my father and how many years has it been, I hate that girl, and it’s day two-hundred and eighty freaking nine and who knows if she’s given me a second thought. Again I don’t want to hurt anybody, so I suffer, and they live, but one of the reasons I continued to live and write is because one day I have faith I won’t be the only one here; I shouldn’t be the first at all.

If you told me I could let go of my hate and go to Heaven I could and in less than twenty-four hours it would find me again because that’s what people do, we hate, we instill hate. Another one of my rules states “Hate Will Keep You Alive,” and I don’t want to die. So I don’t suppose that I will see Hell for a long time, I’ve learned Going To Hell, Them First.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 207 ~How To Cure Cancer~

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It’s not a secret, but apparently, it is a sin, I’m sure many people out there like or even love their jobs, and as for the rest of us, that’s what a man does, sometimes it means working, sometimes it means lies. How To Cure Cancer, do we, DO WE

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Lesson 207 ~How To Cure Cancer~

“He’s poison for the morale of the unit, and a disaster to the success of this mission.”
― Hot Shots

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore because I saw this coming and I find it funny that I’ve said that if I were to die and come back, I’d like to be a plague so maybe this isn’t my first time at the rodeo. Not my first time being yelled at, being worried about my job amongst other things, my first time staring into the abyss but “you’re cancerous to this team, points for creativity; where to start?

“May my mercy prevail over my wrath” The Walking Dead

I have allowed hatred and wrath to infect me once again; people talk about forgiveness being a cure but time works too and how much of that do I have left? It only took two hours, so I was at the day job, and the general manager was praising the team for a job well done and in appreciation offered to ask the group to lunch. Two hours later as I’m working, he comes over and as is “Cracker Barrel okay” to which I respond “it doesn’t matter, I’m not going,” no means no, right?

So he gives me this look and says “why not, you have something to do” and following one of the weekly goals I say “I’ll find something” talk about being a man for once in my life and people don’t like that not one bit. He went off on me, and I let him, my spine breaking… or maybe not, I still walked out and didn’t go, I have informed HR, and now several people know that a war is coming, talk about “It’s The Good Heat.” So am I apologizing for actually speaking up for myself, my lack of courage at that particular moment or to you for exorcising my demons confessing like this?

The stress is killing me, or so I hope which is yet another one of my sins and my embarrassment, sometimes dare I suggest it men are the weaker of the species, I’m hurting, and I made a mistake of going to WebMD. Appendicitis, hell any real medical emergency and game over for me but other than my usual sleeping and vomiting words I’m okay.

Perhaps this is the sin I must apologize for the most, thinking that this life is okay but how will I know absolution, that’s not something you can give me and not something I will ask for from the man I despise. One more sin before I go, I told Indiana Gone I think I know in the smallest way how some victims of sexual violence feel. The fear of telling, thinking as though you have no choice, just instead of spreading my legs/butt cheeks, this guy wanted me to let him into my mind and that I will not do.

So I’m sorry but I will not die today and though there are many theories to my question, Inspector Echo I’m sorry but I’m Radioactive, and I’m sorry that this virus of fear and hate needs an answer before wondering How To Cure Cancer.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 171 ~A Spoonful Of Sugar~

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“WebMD” is a friend to no man, and yet we’re all big babies when we get sick, and no my mother isn’t here, and the dog can only do so much to comfort me, but God bless him for trying. A Spoonful Of Sugar, she doesn’t have to be, “Mary Poppins Y’all.”

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Lesson 171 ~A Spoonful Of Sugar~

Dear Future Wife,
No Fear, if WebMD just happens to be right for once and I’m dying well… you’re my angel, and this must be paradise so I’ll do everything to stay with you now. Even if I feel like Hell at the moment, you give me fever, “I’m addicted,” and love hurts sometimes, and that’s just a fact baby.

Ooh, baby, baby, I won’t ask you to stay, I’m not sure what I look like or if I won’t be running around every ten minutes and I’m sure I’m the one being the baby. My love, you brought life into this world, and here I am praying for the hour of my death, and at the same time, I’m burning, freezing, coughing and sneezing, queasy and nauseous, but you’ve seen me worse right? I can’t imagine how you are seeing me now head in a bucket or curled up in the fetal position, maybe locked behind some door now.

You couldn’t save me before, and I’m not asking for you to keep me now, so what am I asking; of all the things I could ask a beautiful woman and as I said I wouldn’t ask you to stay and I won’t tell you to go. The golden rule maybe because if you were here instead of me, I wouldn’t leave you alone, I know my place would be at your side even if you hated me seeing you in such a state. I guess I’m just not used to anyone wanting to look after me and I try so hard, to be so strong, and now I can’t even pretend anymore, and yet you’re still here with me.

In sickness and in health isn’t that what they teach, forsaking all others but we got bills to pay and sometimes a man has got to be a man, a husband, a lover, a friend, a father and so many other things. My woman, wife, lover, friend, mother to our children and how can I ask you to be my nurse or indeed anything else.

Only you’re the one making me take my meds, cooking, cleaning, holding my hand, singing to me, bringing me back to life and that is difficult for me to accept. A bitter pill to swallow but I love you for it, you don’t have to kiss me though, I must look so gross right now but A Spoonful Of Sugar.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 072 ~Madness Takes Its Toll

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I’m not a fancy of The Rocky Horror Picture Show but as found myself growing angry at the mere thought of my day job I found myself becoming exhausted and the price of all this is happiness? Madness Takes Its Toll I don’t make enough to sacrifice joy

Monday, September 11, 2017

Lesson 072 ~Madness Takes Its Toll

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, though it comes cheap, hell it’s practically free, as the holy rollers say about God, he may not come when you want him but he’ll be there right on time. It’s like taking a flask to work, you have to hide it, you know it’s wrong, and you need it settle your nerves quite often.

It’s one of the reasons I’m getting to you so late today and I never thought of myself as a drinker, but I’m an unusual creature, other people drink coffee to function, alcohol to relax, and who knows what else? They say money won’t buy happiness but as the song goes I’d like a chance to see, how about you tell me where they are handing it out. Maybe that’s why I spend anger like it’s no tomorrow as with my fear you can’t get rid of it, talk about being a rich man today.

“It’s all right, little brother… there are more!” Herger the Joyous, The 13th Warrior (1999)

Just like drinking for a living though, what is the value in it, I could ask myself the same thing when it comes to writing, because don’t people say if you do what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life? I think I told you before, that when I go to work, I get physically ill, sometimes I try to keep it all in my head because I have to do it, and while I’m not sure about whatever I’m doing, I don’t get paid enough to be angry all the time. Six hours today Luna and that’s twenty-four hours I’ve wasted as far as I’m concerned, that’s unless you count anger as making any real profit.

“I’m gonna teach you to HATE spending money. I’m gonna make you so sick of spending money that the mere sight of it will make you wanna throw up!” – Rupert Horn, Brewster’s Millions (1985)

It’s a load of BS that people say happiness lies within, I had the week off and that anger that was dribbling down came back as if I won the lotto and where do I spend the most of it? Honestly, I never thought of myself as one for self-harm, but how many times did I pound my fist into something, how many times did I go and slap myself, always pay yourself first right?

“Anger is more useful than despair.” -, Terminator, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

Maybe I need to take stock of what makes me happy, grateful of course is one thing I must never forget but happy, isn’t this what happens to drunks. What have I learned today, the price of happiness is time and for some reason, I always seem to be flat broke, Madness Takes Its Toll?

I Will Have No Fear

My Enemy Within

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Biology… the mere thought makes me want to vomit blood, and the sight but more importantly the knowledge of such blood makes me wish I was never born. My Enemy Within… and I know now that it’s not me and not even within anymore but without anyone.

My enemy within
If only I could see
Begin again

How my eyes do descend
Who’s scorn would it be
My enemy within

Who, what, where, and when
Stop, I plead
Begin again

Defend
Not a possibility
My enemy within

Because of him
Who’s your daddy?
Begin again

It never ends
Him, you, and me
My enemy within
Begin again

Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 002 ~Past Lives~

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I think I might finally be ready to go all Fahrenheit 451 now, it wouldn’t be the first time and I’m certain it won’t be the last, I guess I learned nothing from Nero. I should be excellent at my own self-destruction “Past Lives” and all, so I think.

Monday, July 03, 2017

Lesson 002 ~Past Lives~

Hey Lu,
Sounding like old times, bad times, before “them” girls hell women of form and substance and those that weren’t… you remember my big sister and her words better words, probably another reason I come running back to you. Sticks and stones right but what about what I’m doing to myself, I’m still alive is probably the best I can come up with, more pain to cancel out the other pain.

I wish I could remember how my big sister put it, you know when I get like this, not eating, not drinking, I did have a chicken wing and some orange juice for my meds but that was more me trying to figure out what the hell happened with me physically. She would also talk about how you can’t build a strip club by a preschool, an ode to my writing and people’s damn sensibilities. Without a doubt I’m still in the wrong, much like that story she and I wrote together, doesn’t even have a name but it was fun, now that was being me being the bad guy.

You know I’ve been a worst one, I can’t even explain that old war I had with one woman, I would throw up again at the “sickness” of it. Now what sickness am I talking about, I have so many to choose from, I’ve been haunted by them and I’m still talking to you so we know it might not be going away anytime soon. For starters, when I freeze up and find myself in some hell of my own making, and I have to shake my head, hit something, do anything while the memories attempt to swallow me whole.

“For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.” Ephesians 6:12

Now don’t be alarmed Lady Lu, the church is the past but I remember, my curse to remember, even when I was busy destroying myself, again and again, I remember because what else am I going to make myself new? No never new, functional and I wish I could remember how long that took, how much I had to destroy.

What about what I can’t destroy like I said before some sins are just too great, things can be confessed, apologies can be issued but in the end, no that’s just it, there is no end. I mean unless you want me to say something scary and at this point, I want to avoid a scary idea, I want to avoid the obscene, I didn’t even apologize again, I did once and I will leave it at that, then again…

Leaving now that’s what I have been thinking about plenty today, women I’ve known for years or at least was friendly with for example one I invited to a movie night and she stopped talking to me. Another who I saw regularly but she has things to attend to, an excuse but I haven’t spoken to her and unless she gets in touch… What about the one that, well I was wrong, I can’t stress that enough but I’ll probably be avoiding her blog for a while because I don’t want to be that guy.

The guy I was, the guy I was becoming, but here’s the thing, once Second Circle Creations, yes I’ve looked back and said the name often, anyway if the (SCC) gets up and running I won’t have to hide. Christian Grey has all sorts of decorum but he also has money and power and as fictional as Fifty Shades of Grey would like to be, that’s how the world works. I’m losing whatever point I was trying to make and that’s good, I want to bury the man I was yesterday but why is that, why do I have to die so many times Luna?

Because the dead don’t feel anything, I don’t want to feel anything, that’s why I sleep all the time, that’s why I’ve been vomiting all day when I’ve barely touched a thing, that’s why I’m talking to you. I get it all out, that’s why my big sister was wrong, she thought I was empty but it was too much, there’s just too much and once I’m empty, once there is nothing left to contain I can build once again.

“I’m sorry mama
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to make you cry
But tonight I’m cleanin’ out my closet” Eminem – Cleanin’ Out My Closet (2001)

So do I continue to dwell on my past lives, the boy that did nothing but write and the moment he revealed himself… damn Angela in the sixth grade, what about the guy that nearly got kicked out of junior college over a girl, or the guy that nearly got fired, what about the guy yesterday? I keep saying, Luna, this could be a lot worse and if you asked me what I wanted to do right now I would have to lie to you but I never have before.

They say that history is written by the victors and while that is true enough, history is written by the survivors as well, all the wreckage, cataloged and filed away, and from that what do I become? Sometimes it’s not even worth the effort and if it wasn’t for Braxton sleeping at my feet who knows what I would do. That’s a present regret, that he knows something’s wrong and I won’t do anything to fix it, but I don’t know how to fix me.

“Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb, we are bound to others. Past and present. And by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future.” Sonmi-451

This whole thing has been about what I’ve done in the past, confession, apology, destruction, renewal, repeat, my own circle. What about the man that has to continue, right now I’m angry but this just shows I’m not a psycho because I would rather destroy myself than hurt anyone else, do you think that’s the reason I pray for a zombie apocalypse because as I said the dead don’t feel. If I’m not entitled to one emotion and I have not yet reached emptiness which should I feel, lust takes a backseat to rage, anger, but I’m trying to have remorse, for these things said.

“I am entitled to my emotions. I can have them.” The Moment After 2: Awakening

I keep saying I’m sorry because I am because I have to be because there is nothing else that will be allowed, that can be accepted because I am who I am. Never changing though if I must leave with a lesson, if you can’t change yourself, then change the world, how many past lives did that take to learn?