Tag: Son

Log 108 ~When Will, Will Come~

WillLeave a comment

Well, I certainly have been putting my car through its paces, and I have been moving pretty fast in that regard, but today, and tonight for that matter as Romeo put it sad hours seem long, but he was talking about a woman. “When Will, Will Come”

Thursday, October 17, 2019

Log 108 ~When Will, Will Come~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana
I AM a Billionaire right now, but it can’t patch the hole in my heart. Speaking of patching holes SIGH, you’ll have to excuse me for not feeling sexier this evening. Anyway, I wouldn’t mind a woman asking me that question, when will I come. Wait, don’t I have a woman asking me that question? Well, she’s spoken for or will be in a couple of days. The thing is, though, what I did today was harder than yesterday. Wednesday scared the crap out of me, but today it only hurts.

I’m talking about my heart for once and not a case of Blue Balls. Hell, Dennis Hof was loving so many women but loved his dog Domino more than any of them. Half a million for a dog, and my Firstborn has two bottles of meds. He also has five packs of food and his favorite toy. Right now, as the song goes, “And everyday I wake up, with a naked lady” but right now, yeah, I’m soft. A single father with only my little boy, I do remember a time I was a hopeless romantic. You know I’m a true believer in the living dead? Count Jesus, and you might consider me a Christian. When’s the last time I’ve been in a church anyway. Let’s not talk about some of the fantasies I once imagined. Did I say that on a Thursday, this is all about fucking sexual ideology? I don’t even watch my language today; it’s my day.

In truth, I’ll be glad when it’s all over. Indiana Gone “The Bride” was telling me about the work she was doing. I said weddings are work, but they should be fun. Imagine what a wreck I’ll be when I meet some girl. She’s out there, somewhere. Indiana Gone asked when she’ll attend my wedding, and I said, “when the dead walk the earth.” Yeah, I’ll meet my Maggie, my Enid, the dream is Alicia. Such names would usually get me hard. If I wanted to come, I could think of a million different reasons. The only coming I’m doing, though, is a wedding, a dog hotel, and all the fears that await me tomorrow morning. You could tell me I could fuck any woman, but I would only want to get back to here.

Now I’m sitting alone, others asking, When Will. Will Come?

I Will Have No Fear

Log 040 ~Will And The Labyrinth~

WillLeave a comment

My life isn’t as interesting as Labyrinth and no way as sexy as “The V Game Series;” it’s only me against the wall continually smashing my head against it, and I’ll break before my Facebook Wall but then again? “Will And The Labyrinth”

Saturday, July 27, 2019

Log 040 ~Will And The Labyrinth~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Millionaire right now; can’t you see? Isn’t it ironic that it’s what I want everyone to know? Still these days the people that are looking at all. It’s the people who are making me out to be a clown. Besides Facebook, somebody attempted another hack last night. Those are the scariest, but the worst is from my son, my nephew, hell the man in the mirror. How I talk to myself all the time but please don’t let me be walking by a mirror and see myself, that’s terrifying.

I finished that book Beauty in the Broken by Charmaine Pauls yesterday. My life though feels a lot like something out of The V Games Series though. It’s a maze, and I’m fighting while everyone watches. I’m waiting to see which one of my sins is exposed first? What about people, running into my sister a few days ago. I go to the same restaurant for some reason feeling an obligation. Don’t get me started about September. I’m not a man of my word. October, of course, is “Indiana Gone’s” wedding. I’ll have to put my trust in someone to watch my kid. Dammit, I don’t even like saying his name anymore. The things I love are often weapons against me, that quickly. Sometimes I only want to disappear. Do I sound suicidal again, Lu?

I’m trying Lady Lu. I’m trying so hard to find other ways. It can’t be porn anymore; you saw how fast I gave in days ago. Even now thank you Instagram I found out about St. Mackenzie’s (School For Girls). It’s the things that bring us the closest to death that somehow grant life. The question is, how close do you want to get to such. Again last night, I started a new game, “Heavy Rain.” I feel so much better watching and playing than doing anything real. There was also the fact that I thought my PS4 had problems. I was looking at how I’m going to get to Indiana Gone’s wedding, a little vacay perhaps? At this rate, I’m giving out to much information you think. Everyone is looking, or one. Could be a damn robot wanting to send everything tumbling down whenever.

The only way I’m getting over these walls is a ton of cash. And not bouncing on boobs or watching them: Will And The Labyrinth.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 223 ~Stand At Attention Will~

WillLeave a comment

Honestly, I did not think I was going here today, more like little head instead of the big head, but what about a furry one, I should go to “PetSmart” more on Sundays no doubt, but I have my son, and I stand by him. Stand At Attention Will.

Saturday, February 9, 2019

Episode 223 ~Stand At Attention Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
How To Make One Million Dollars, become the Secretary of Defense; believe it or not, there was a time in my life Lady Lu that I said those words out loud, I also wanted to be a war correspondent and as you recall I did a brief stint in the Navy. The words are Military Bearing; do you know why I tend to make all these “personalities” female save for one; I don’t think in my life there has been one man in my environment that I have honestly respected, on a personal level I will say.

Today I was at PetSmart picking up B III’s meds, and they had an adoption thing, and I saw the cutest little dog; this furbaby was a few inches taller than my son. Oh to let dear Trible B have a few years taken back on him, return to puppy form I’d give him a sibling. My father never taught me about how to be a man, he threatened to kill me before going into the military, I thought maybe they would educate me, but I left, one uncle cheated on his wife, another married in and murdered my mom’s sister. Never met my great grandfather’s, paternal granddad wasn’t there, maternal grandfather got divorced, another uncle shot and can’t stand, one more not indeed an uncle, don’t know him, or my older half-brother, “father” beat my mother too you know.

Okay so back to B III and as I stood there, a bag full of over a hundred pills, over three months that I wouldn’t hesitate to buy again and I saw this other dog that needs a home, a family and if my little one wasn’t so old, ornery, and obstinate… Anyway so I’m driving, and I’m listening to my motivations, talking about not letting the past control you and I think of how I am and my son and our future, and there it is his obituary coming to mind. Everything I want to say to him, that it has been my honor and privilege to be his father, that if I have a chance in Hell of getting to Heaven, it will be but a word from him, and that I’m sorry I failed him. No mother, no two-legged siblings to protect, I didn’t give him the home that he ever deserved.

I’ve said before I owe Will Smith my life and as far as my “father” a man must look after his family but it was my little boy, who is a greater man than I could have possibly hoped to raise, who taught me about love, life, even lungs as I watch him breathe and I can. I love him like pancakes I always say because I couldn’t love him more if I poured the “Bisquick” and we have walked together, fought, lived and if there is any man I honestly do respect and would follow it’s my son, pathetic huh but not father, flag, or female has gotten so much; Stand At Attention Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 343 ~Live Every Day Like~

WillLeave a comment

How can I live without you, before anyone gets vain I am talking about you Lady Luna, I did get a lot more sleep, some would have called it depression, better out that in which is why I’ll tell you all about it, every day. “Live Every Day Like?”

Saturday, June 9, 2018

Lesson 343 ~Live Every Day Like~

Hey Lady Lu,
Can You Love Me Again, like the day I first created you or the day I brought you back to life… desperation and that is something I need to get over and fast because these past few days it’s been like I’m begging to live. In a way what wouldn’t I give to feel that way again, like the day I told “Okay” about, my senior year, homecoming pep rally, that was a day of freedom, a day I didn’t have to live, but there was life.

I read something the other day that said, live every day like it’s your first and there are several ways one can interpret that, for example, it’s a day where everything is new and yet there is no fear. As with my rules, it’s a day that you learn something new, and honestly, I do Lady Luna, for everything that school taught me my greatest lesson was on how to be afraid. How about the fact that I think everyone knows me but they don’t I can be whoever I want to be, my identity has yet to know formation, (oh and Beyonce sucks) and I don’t have to remind myself of all the shit.

On the other side of the coin, live every day like it’s your last, again something I spoke to “Okay” about, what if I knew the day I would die, hell don’t I live thinking the end of the world is coming or like any kid in a rush to get his homework done? I know how she sees me and that says I should live as though I will never see her again, a man has to know when to walk away, and there is so much I have left to do, like every day I’m writing. Maybe I should live like I don’t need to write but want to write and I am back at the table, I did work on my poetry, but it’s more to the fact I’m trying to stay alive instead of living life.

As with most Americans, I live for my payday, and you know how the day job is, I live for the day it’s my writing that provides and do I truly believe that will ever come to pass at this rate? I live for the day I can finally get “Detroit: Become Human” and a “PlayStation 4” did you think I had forgotten Lady Luna, though today I would like to live as though I have forgotten, live unafraid, but no Live Every Day Like

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 336 ~Today’s Word Is ‘ Discombobulated’~

WillLeave a comment

Is there a more confusing word than love, trust me other than taking care of the dog I have only known confusion, beginning and endings, and a desire to play one video game if you’re keeping track. Today’s word Is Discombobulated.

Saturday, June 2, 2018

Lesson 336 ~Today’s Word Is ‘ Discombobulated’~

Hey Lady Lu,
Can You Love Me Again, hell that’s all you’ve been doing, you and your friends, since I got back into writing, maybe I should ask can I love you again and even now that word escapes me. Less than a month to see and I ask myself have I found any new loves, do I feel any better? I know I’ve had some good days, but I still feel so out of it lately, and of course, I should, work nearly killed me or dare I say, people, real and fiction.

Being torn apart by two worlds, what other word is there but Discombobulated, disconnected, unbalanced, thrown into confusion, perhaps fear gets a bad rap because I can always point out what makes me afraid. Nowadays when I’m not wasting time, I’m like MacGregor on the Colony, creating conspiracy after conspiracy some right on the money, others downright idiotic. Maybe I am going crazy or crazier, still making moves on one woman, while getting made fun of by some girl, and even thinking I’m living with a poltergeist, with a taste for Mr. Goodbars and Pop Tarts, amongst other things honestly.

I can’t get “Detroit: Become Human” off of the brain, I know I’ve probably failed most of my six impossible things, and at this rate, I won’t be getting paid the week after next, my damn day job. It could all be stress, and the method I usually employ to alleviate that stress is off-limits and would leave me depressed anyway, another two words, being pent up wanting to do something and then again wanting to climb into my bed, Bipolar. A part of me wants to dive into “The Art Of Peace,” but I have more stuff to read that isn’t helping the whole hiatus I have going on, but sex is everywhere Luna.

Even your name I think I should change to “Chloe”… Detroit: Become Human but then what happens when the next craze comes into play and you know there is always something else on the horizon, I can barely keep up. One of the reasons I like the rain except driving in it, the rain makes everything slow down, tears, hot showers, stopping pretty girls from leaving, you catch my meaning.

I’m more of a fire person, or I like to think so and didn’t I say I miss the anger, I miss the sex, and I miss being able to keep the house at a reasonable temperature. Machines, my mind, *sigh* “Today’s Word Is ‘Discombobulated.’”

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 329 ~Let’s See What Sticks~

WillLeave a comment

Nothing brings humanity together like destruction and doing it alone is almost a criminal act but why not keep it all to myself; well, I have a blog and no published works, I’m sure people will find something else. Let’s See What Sticks now

Saturday, May 26, 2018

Lesson 329 ~Let’s See What Sticks~

Hey Lady Lu,
Can You Love Me Again, even with as dirty as that sounds or maybe that’s just me and my filthy mind? You know everything continues to pile up, albeit in smaller amounts but still. It sticks with you like my feet to the ground; how long does it take to learn how to walk and here I have to remind myself always to pick up my feet, to lift up my head, shoulders back. My “father” says I look weird; he would prefer I keep my eyes on the ground, a reminder.

I’ve talked often enough about how I’m not growing any taller because I can’t afford it, and how I feel so heavy because of everything that I’m keeping inside, like a reverse Pandora’s Box because Hope fled some time ago. It’s like “Pour Some Sugar on Me” already, maybe I’m not procrastinating but I need to find some joy in my life and even when I’m not watching the world go to Hell, what about all these created worlds. Watching “Detroit: Become Human,” reading “Whispers In The Dark” by LeTeisha Newton or even reading my works is doing nothing to make me feel better but these are things that stick.

Did I ever mention how much I hate glitter, and that sticks to everything, I wonder can fire burn that away; maybe that’s it Lady Luna, that I miss the anger, but it’s always there against myself, even at this moment. Everything I’m doing to stay awake, and when I do, I can’t stick to my task because when I think about what I want to do, you know honestly the world doesn’t need that from me or anyone else. Another reason to keep my head down, while possibly staying alive, you don’t want to know what the world has to offer because what do I do, take it, steal it, pay for it, and only, so I want more?

Again with my sugar diet, donuts and chocolate, quick meals not to live but to waste more time, wasn’t I suppose to have my poetry book ready to go this month and I can’t get past the first girl, a hundred poems out of how many? To make yet another pop culture reference yeah right, Fahrenheit 451, we are burning everything, and the sad thing is when we run out then the fire dies and bring on the darkness but then you can’t read the writing on the wall right?

That’s what I want Luna, maybe that’s why I relish sex, the feel of traditional books, when’s the last time I bought one of those, I want actual game discs, I keep my dog close, him and all his fur. I want to remember what it is to feel as the fire dies away, Lady Luna Let’s See What Sticks.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 322 ~Let’s Speak English Please~

WillLeave a comment

It’s not that people speak different languages but and I have made this argument before, there is too much noise, with gunfire and royal proclamations, and everybody is looking towards heaven but then again. “Let’s Speak English Please” not like that

Saturday, May 19, 2018

Lesson 322 ~Let’s Speak English Please~

Hey Lady Lu,
Can You Love Me Again after a bit of a racist sentiment but it’s only racism if you compare me to Aaron Schlossberg or any Trump supporter, hell it might be treason during the Revolutionary War, but honestly today I mean the Royal Wedding. One country is preparing to bury more children and teachers, and another is welcoming love with a ton of security, thankfully nothing has happened; what if they had real knights with everyone knighted?

It’s times like these I think of that story of The Tower of Babel the idea that humanity spoke one language, and I would like to believe that language was love, but you can’t have love without hate. I’m still not a man of faith, but if there is a God sometimes you would think he hates us, my mom would probably go on some rant about love; why does love have to sound so much as hate, maybe something is lost in translation. I keep coming up with these reasons to write and here’s another, I’m trying to translate me because again it’s days like these I feel I am capable of love, but no one understands at all.

“If you think that what I do and how I live’s too much
I don’t really really give two fux
If you think that what I say and what I give ain’t love
I don’t really really give two fux” ― Adam Lambert, Two Fux

For example, if I were to have a wedding I’ve always wanted something like The Hunger Games, riding into the arena with my girl, crowds cheering, fire effects, or something like The Walking Dead or Star Wars. Don’t I call myself a traditionalist and maybe it’s sad because when’s the last time anyone said they love me, other than “Indiana Gone” and of course my dog gets a pass, but I tell him I love him every day, haven’t told a person that in years. More Than Words or Let’s Get Lost because we can’t “Escape” the fact that we’ve forgotten the love and again people will argue the contrary but we have dead children, and people instead hold onto their guns. We celebrate two people only to remind ourselves what love should look like or so we all dream.

If I’m not translating myself I do believe that words have the power to change the world as we know it, English, Spanish, Japanese, Yiddish, and god knows how many other languages because there are millions of ways to say I love you, but I need to hear it. Even if it’s Untitled (How Does It Feel) yeah I’ll turn off my phone, but I’m in a lovey-dovey mood, and I’m “Lost Without U” Lady Lu. Probably still am, unfortunately, but I’m just trying to understand, and with my languages *sigh* Let’s Speak English Please.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 315 ~Open Your Eyes Cyclops~

WillLeave a comment

I still have years left to work if everything does its part, and today it was my eyes, to think that I might be suffering from a lack of sleep or maybe I’m just getting old; could I be developing mutant powers? “Open Your Eyes Cyclops”

Saturday, May 12, 2018

Lesson 315 ~Open Your Eyes Cyclops~

Hey Lady Lu,
Can You Love Me Again, because I don’t know, I haven’t looked in the mirror since Thursday really; being I’m my own worst critic, but I don’t have body issues, for the most part. Let me say that Thursday was eye-opening in a way, which is the concept for today’s lesson, despite everything; sight is not something to be taken for granted as we live in a beautiful world but “Don’t Panic” I will behave Lady Luna.

Honestly, I have no choice in that regard, well I do, but that’s just it right, I’ve said men would do anything when it comes to women that they’ll never see naked. To be honest, I’ve seen her naked just not in the flesh, but it did help with the manscaping and not. No more dreams, good ones anyway because other than last night I haven’t been sleeping much, my head was pounding and my eyes; not much scares me physically but blindness, I couldn’t do. My son is doing better on sleep, but just this morning he was looking for me and passed right by twice, I’ve said before I will be his seeing eye man if he needs me, and with taking care of him, there is so much to see my friend.

Now I know I usually see through one eye in particular, like “Okay” asking me what is it with me and brunettes. Honestly, I still don’t know; when I was a kid it was Asian girls for example “Tram-Anh Tran” a.k.a. Tina Nguyen on Ghostwriter. During middle school and through high school, it was mostly Caucasians with an African-American woman squeaking by every now and again. For a month or so I was all Wakanda Forever… does that make me racist now that I’m back to brunettes and yet there is so much beauty in the world, though women are best you have to admit?

My favorite “Colors” are black and red but just looking at my lost little boy today as he walked by, well I already like brunettes, so tan, beige, brown is just a given, between his beige fur and brown eyed girls. Maybe today I just wanted to appreciate my “Hungry Eyes,” and it beats being angry all the time “The Red” that usually takes over, so I should just enjoy today, but yeah I’m staring into a world of “Black Or White,” both with writing.

Black and white, will lead to green and gold, which will lead to red, and then “Back In Black,” and why not go and enjoy “Mr. Blue Sky,” today or tomorrow, Open Your Eyes
Cyclops.

“There’s a saying — the pessimist looks down and hits his head.
The optimist looks up and loses his footing.
The realist looks forward and adjusts his path accordingly.” ― The Walking Dead, The Well

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 314 ~A Prescription For Crazy~

WillLeave a comment

Love is a pretty big topic amongst other things when did life get to be so complicated; it’s when people tried to explain it and not to mention pretty offensive, as the songs there are too many prophets here. “A Prescription For Crazy”

Friday, May 11, 2018

Lesson 314 ~A Prescription For Crazy~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Can You Love Me Again, well if it works for “some” teachers… but honestly I have never pictured myself as a teacher, how my dog got so smart is beyond me and the only training guide I wanted was “Command Performance” when I was a kid, only we went with the rolled up newspaper guide. Anyway, the thing is if I couldn’t learn how to train my dog correctly, and I love him like pancakes, how will I ever learn to become a writer about things beyond me; so I read this.

“The bigger the issue, the smaller you write. Remember that. You don’t write about the horrors of war. No. You write about a kid’s burnt socks lying on the road. You pick the smallest manageable part of the big thing, and you work off the resonance.” ― from Richard Price

Yesterday, for example, I wrote “Pockets Full of Miracles” and while I could be the stereotypical African-American male… my “meat is murder” by the way. Instead, I promoted safe sex, e.g., condoms. When I talk about bed it shouldn’t be about that queen size I have waiting for me but more the droop of my eyelids, every single step becoming harder than the last. “Indiana Gone,” asked me why I say, I love my dog like pancakes. I don’t have to speak how he’s my world but the way I now protect my pancakes is how I protect my dog, and I couldn’t love him more if I poured the Bisquick to make him; The Walking Dead, I’m a fan.

Speaking of love, I’ve been wondering how to tell my mother I love her without going broke, a Kindle with Black Panther, some great black writers, with her sorority, Alabama, and the Black Panther symbols on it? How about a Black Panther Mother’s Day basket; how often do I talk about spending money on women and I have a sister too that has my nephew. Wasn’t I suppose to be talking about writing, but that’s just the thing, with such subjects one could spend forever and a day writing and never cover it, so you start small, my bank account.

If I wanted to write what is wrong with my country, I could do that in two words, Donald Trump, and then you expand on it, racism, Nazism, lies, hate and the world practically builds itself for better or worse. You want to write about crazy; you don’t start carving out your skull first. You start with one pill left lying in the bottle, the bullet in the gun, the creak of a wooden chair.

I didn’t mean to get so morbid, but we can take this as another lesson in writing can’t we Lady Sophia, A Prescription For Crazy.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 261 ~Be Who My Dog Deserves~

WillLeave a comment

Who’s a good dog, if he doesn’t know that by now then I am honestly no type of father and despite all my failures, being the man that he needs me to be is something that I can not afford to fail, not ever. “Be Who My Dog Deserves”

Monday, March 19, 2018

Lesson 261 ~Be Who My Dog Deserves~

Twenty-Fourth Rule Madam Justice

I Am Not Fine Today but that doesn’t matter now does it, because when you love it merely means you put them ahead of you and the more love you give, the more returns to you or so I’ve been told that’s how it works. Think about it, most pets have four legs, birds have wings, other pets have their qualities, and yet they say that a dog is man’s best friend; such real words.

“All I know is that the boy was my charge. And if he was not the word of God. Then God never spoke.” The Road

Sometimes I ask myself, what great sin did this dog have to commit, earning his lot in life; I remember begging and pleading with my father for a dog, and sure my sister and I had my grandma’s dogs, but here my sister never mentioned a dog ever. Next thing I know my father walks in with this few pounds of fluff for her; I raised him, I did all I could do, and when the time came to move it wasn’t a question, just get in the car. We have fought side by side, bled together, same enemies, saved each other’s lives, and perhaps one of my greatest sins is that he turned out to be like me, which begs the question, what on Earth have I done wrong?

“He’d grown up just like me
My boy was just like me” ― Harry Chapin, Cat’s In The Cradle (1974)

I know I’ve said that I pretended that my future wife is watching me and I want to be better because maybe if I am; if I can be that man I may be able to find her finally. At my age I know I’m not ready to be her boyfriend, her man, her husband. Then again I wasn’t prepared to be a father, to think I scoffed when I watched all the other kids with the “Pumped Up Kicks” including my sister making babies and despite everything, I could say I wasn’t making such decisions, taking such risks, and somehow that made me better. Only I have Madam Justice, I have when it comes to my dog, and I have to make it right which means as the song goes I must be The Best Man I Can Be.

He just made Level 13 on February 13 and as I often tell “Indiana Gone,” “I love him like pancakes,” and I look forward to him being Level 20 and beyond but I’m not stupid for once; he has a heart murmur, he’s developing cataracts. The vet says surgery is risky but if there is a chance? All I know is I can’t name five humans that I love or love me that equal him. I love him enough that every day I even ask him, “are you a happy puppy, is this your best life,” I want him to meet my family one day. I need him to know that I’ll be okay that as I loved him, he saved me but most importantly of all I need to Be Who My Dog Deserves.

I Will Have No Fear