Tag: Day Job

Lesson 364 ~How To Stop Writing~

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Talk about a question I should never ask if I’m going to make a future not just for me, myself and I but also my son as well because home is where the heart is, and he could use a rest, but there is so much work to do to now. How To Stop Writing

Saturday, June 30, 2018

Lesson 364 ~How To Stop Writing~

Hey Lady Lu,
Can You Love Me Again, did you ever stop after my long hiatus, why even call it that, didn’t I quit… strange that I don’t have an excuse for that when I have them for everything else but the stuff I don’t want to do, how many days do I miss the day job. Yesterday I figured I’d get something real done and I did begin writing my story “Apocalypse Rush” working title of course not that I’ll ever finish with editing.

I find that I have that same empty feeling as I usually do at The Closing Of The Year that promise of I’ll do better, and it never comes; if I am grateful for anything today, it’s that my “father” isn’t arriving by which I mean more time to worry next week. How about the fact that I have to cut the yard tomorrow, I have to make it dog-friendly but hasn’t my whole plan been to find us a home, I mean a real place not owned by others built by my success *sigh*. I keep coming back to this speech I heard that when you want success (wisdom) as badly as you want air, that’s when you’ll be successful, and that’s the problem.

Am I going to use suicide as an excuse, I’m not that dramatic today but how else do you stop writing because the clock shouldn’t serve as an excuse, my wants, and desires, hell the needs that I’m skimping on anyway. I can talk day and night about fear but that shouldn’t be it either, I gave in yesterday talking to GoDaddy about my blog and as Mr. Dink put it “Very Expensive.” How about the concept that I’m writing so I’ll have time for other things but for now shouldn’t everything be about writing anything other than more excuses?

Writing is more a conversation for Lady Sophia I take it, but what started all this was a BITCH, and you would think that would be enough, I don’t want to say fear or anger because that is giving her too much credit. Is that the answer, forgiveness, future, forgetfulness probably some other F words to be sure or maybe there is no end, I wouldn’t want to go all Fahrenheit 451, but I do want to play Detroit: Become Human so answer “you don’t” question How To Stop Writing.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 357 ~And Other Dangerous Weapons~

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Fear is the monster, and the weapons I have aren’t doing anything to kill it, do I even want to anymore, I’m tired but everything is keeping me on my back or my ass, but at least I’m writing, and words are weapons. “And Other Dangerous Weapons.”

Saturday, June 23, 2018

Lesson 357 ~And Other Dangerous Weapons~

Hey Lady Lu,
Can You Love Me Again, I suppose some people will answer yes even if they don’t mean it when I’m in the ground, but today I’m Alive; so why is it when I saw 357 I immediately thought about a gun, I’m an American, I’m suicidal, what keeps me on my back?

If anything my day job, I didn’t start sleeping on my back until I became terrified that I would lose my employment, I’ve only ever been late once, and I was wide awake at the time, though generally like Frankenstein’s monster I rise because the job is killing me. How many times do I say I love my dog like pancakes, but like any parent sometimes he becomes my excuse not to do something or to do everything, but love can be a lot of things including shameful. It’s almost as if one should be ashamed of being depressed, for having the blessings that someone like me has, and I am blessed Lady Luna I see that; a bed, a couch, a chair, a dog, so many soft places and some people only see such luxury in a coffin, and that’s if they’re lucky enough.

Speaking of luck the worst weapon that I use against myself is LUST; if I go to Hell, more like when; I can only hope I get a circle two offense, and the sad thing is I can’t even name everything I’ve looked up this past week or even the past hour. I’m so far from paradise nowadays, but I want something higher; I keep telling myself that but as I was saying to “Cherry” yesterday that something greater will probably come with brunette hair.

You would think I wouldn’t look at the ground so much but more at my wooden dining room table or something else that’s indeed rockhard, writing, woody, the weather though I like the rain somewhat which matches my mood, slow and dark. The clock is another source of motivation and irritation over how much time I waste doing nothing it’s a constant struggle it wears me out. Besides lust, SLEEP should be considered one of my seven deadly sins; I have to give up sleep, somebody said that’s when the real work begins when you’re tired and hungry, not that I’m helping myself when it comes to food either sadly.

So day job, fatherhood, depression, lust, writing, time, and sleep, see it doesn’t take a 357 to kill yourself not when there are so many choices And Other Dangerous Weapons.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 350 ~A Black Magic Worry~

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Magic, Day Job, Al Bundy, Fear, Words, Humanity, Desperation, Friendship, Vices, Faith, Therapy, Lesson, Journal, Lady Lu, Will Bradford Jr.

Saturday, June 16, 2018

Lesson 350 ~A Black Magic Worry~

Hey Lady Lu,
Can You Love Me Again, if this was Hell and you were a goddess I would say no… do you see what happens when you get the answers you seek, and though this isn’t Hell per se and I like to think of you as only a girl, you’re getting pretty close. Two more worries but maybe that’s the wrong word, the right one as always is Fear and Lady Luna I am afraid of what’s next.

With everything that has happened this week the fact that I have lost my faith in magic should “worry” me more or at least I thought I had until last night, I made not have faith in God but how often have I found a friend in Satan. I said to “Okay” if I could know anything it would be the time of my death and even now that seems considerably better than what I do know; “Cherry” did a Tarot Reading and said that a change was coming in my job. A horrible shift though she didn’t know all that and I already feel stupid for how I’m taking this, but I am idiotic regardless, come not this week but the next, I’m Al Bundy, I’m Alone With Doggie.

Two full days of working in the Shoe Department, now my anxiety nearly got the best of me and like when Negan was hiding from the dead I almost “rubbed one out” so I could calm down. Sex or masturbation always helps me sleep, mindless violence revs me up, drugs can keep me grounded, and pain; I’m no cutter, but actual kicking and punching inanimate objects brings me focus. There’s also the idea of burying this great fear under an avalanche of worry, all the work that I need to do, losing another friend on Facebook, I don’t think “Psychopath’s Prey” is helping with that and what about that photo of “Eileen Kelly” almost like finding “Little Lupe” once again.

If I had never got that Tarot Reading what would I think today, would I blame my stupidity in making my schedule, perhaps I have some enemy I don’t know about, you know I have to protect my “Energy” or is it my time for this shit? Talk about motivation, because other than my dog sadly I think I’ve had a somewhat decent week but today I have to “Hold On,” A Black Magic Worry.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 333 ~The Stench Of Defeat~

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Can you smell what the Will is cooking, despite one good endorsement everything else around here stinks to high Heaven, or maybe that’s me, working too hard or scared of looking like I’m hardly working? “The Stench Of Defeat”

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

Lesson 333 ~The Stench Of Defeat~

Forgive Me Echo,
Can You Love Me Again, even when I can’t smell what The Rock is cooking, maybe when all there is to breathe is more shrimp or microwave dinners. I’ve never thought to turn the oven on since being here. How about the stress sweat but I’m too lazy to go looking for the commercial, I should probably go and take a shower if I wasn’t nearly drowning already with so many waves.

What about so many smells; it took me forever to get out of the scent of gummy bears I ripped into after work; my cooking range is limited enough, but today, I’ve only had barbecue chips and candy. Speaking of limited time, how about all that time spent tagging clothes at work today, when everybody looks at you as a failure, when you try to help a coworker, and you overstay your welcome, not to mention good ole S.A.D. It doesn’t help matters any that as hot as it is, I’m wearing my security blanket, my hoody for most of the day, you know right?

Cleanliness is next to godliness they say, but I’m just a man, and if anything, men do stupid things, I got a bit into “Manscaping” all because of women, and at this rate, it doesn’t matter, to be honest. Hell Inspector Echo how long did I go without a shower during all my days of writing oh yeah and spoiling myself watching a walkthrough of “Detroit: Become Human,” I’m addicted, but that’s only making me work harder on my writing isn’t it? Yes, that’s what I’m doing, I’m spoiling because if you’re not living you’re dying and either way it goes all I want to do is cover myself in something dirty and some green.

Preferably I would instead go with cremation but when it comes to dirt, the muck and the mire, something that straight up stinks, it’s the ideas that come into my mind, and that’s not stopping anytime soon. What about the elephant in the room, I’m the shit, or I should believe that because this is the only way anything is going to get done; with as messy as I am now all I want to do is sleep in my cool “clean” bed just saying.

I’m sorry Inspector Echo, will you forgive me for stinking up the joint, for being too hot under the collar and in my pants, for neglecting myself in this and for the dirty mind that keeps me sane, ooh that smell The Stench Of Defeat.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 294 ~The Ease of Jealousy~

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So today wasn’t my day and tomorrow I might finally finish another novel; fifty-thousand words, while somebody else will write one sentence and the world will be all a “Twitter” won’t they, am I jealous? The Ease of Jealousy.

Saturday, April 21, 2018

Lesson 294 ~The Ease of Jealousy~

Hey Lady Lu,
I Am Not Fine Today, because I apparently overestimated people’s stupidity or maybe I underestimated the power of my laziness but I’m still working today even though I slacked off a bit yesterday a lot… the dog groomers, the bank, shopping, excuses. How often do I rely on people being terrible at their jobs just to make myself feel better, not that I could do such things, but I have a higher calling; these people sustain life but don’t writers and the other artists make it worth something, a reason Lady Lu.

“And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.” ― Dead Poets Society

Now it’s one thing to see all these authors, talented, tremendous, gifted, but what are the odds that I’ll meet Skye Warren, that one of my books will have me dancing with Jennifer Lawrence at some soiree, or I’ll end up on the big screen, well porn has awards. It’s when I see people I know; you remember the bitch that got me back into writing because I was so ashamed of myself “Look Who Grossed Up” and that was Two Hundred And Ninety-Four posts ago. I suppose she’s still writing, was even getting contacted by publishers and such and here I am, I’ve been writing most of my life, and okay I’m jealous, secure enough to admit that right?

“Males shouldn’t be jealous that’s a female trait” ― Jay-Z

Anyway, so last night this extreme Christian girl I once worked with has started her blog. I peeked at it, and again those feelings of shame and regret crept up, and I probably won’t often visit just because as the song goes “I don’t ever wanna feel like I did that day.” Isn’t that easy, be respectful to women, but I’ll be jealous too, of her following, of all the likes and fans perhaps? All she will have to do is be herself *sigh*. Now I could argue the other way about being “green” it’s not easy making money, not if you’re me, it’s easy being “a sick pig” or skeeve as you know who called me; if she knew.

One mean word spawned thousands if not millions that were better left going unwritten though, someone told me recently she discovered my work, and it is nice to have a fan, you don’t know how much. It’s not easy getting up and exposing all my secrets, some I suppose, it’s not easy looking at my work and not blaming alcohol or drugs, yeah I’m bad at my craft, and that Lady Lu is what brings *sigh* The Ease of Jealousy.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 275 ~People Lie, Don’t Stand There~

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I talked about taking ten steps last week, and now I don’t know whether to stand or run, but at the end of the day I can’t lie down, but isn’t that what I did at work today *sigh* then again I might need that breath. People Lie, Don’t Stand There now

Monday, April 02, 2018

Lesson 275 ~People Lie, Don’t Stand There~

Twenty-Sixth Rule Madam Justice

I Am Not Fine Today, but I am not dead yet which is one of the meanings of this rule; this is but another way to say that I will not join the dead. I will not wait my turn; I will not mourn my life away or even dance on their graves as much as I may want to. The second concept of this rule is a lesson I learned again today, people will lie about you, people will want you to stand for this, but if you hold to their lies what else can you do but fall?

“ let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. That’s the only way to become what you are meant to be.” Kylo Ren

Given my many chances with death or maybe just this moment, I don’t want to die, the plethora of zombie entertainment shows an overwhelming majority when faced with the dead, stand and fight, or they run, but all choose to live. I have never been one to mourn the dead, my grandmother, aunts, more family, and maybe you could call me heartless, but I do not wallow in tears or even blood, because I can’t swim, there’s a rule in there somewhere, right? Once those that hurt me are gone why do they deserve another drop of sweat, I got my quart of blood, in the end, I need only move on, always keep moving.

“Compromise where you can. Where you can’t, don’t. Even if everyone is telling you that something wrong is something right. Even if the whole world is telling you to move, it is your duty to plant yourself like a tree, look them in the eye, and say, ‘No, *you* move’.” Captain America: Civil War (2016)

Now call me a hypocrite but in the same token when somebody lies on me, sweeps something under the rug, I move and I find another place to stand; take my general manager today, what did he make me out to be today, a coward. A man would have moved, a man would have gotten in his face and asked him, who the fuck does he think he’s talking to, does this man think he can call me out like this, an on a racial note a black man tearing another black man down. Allow me to break a bit of a personal record since I haven’t mentioned that bitch in a while but my name is Will, capital WILL and I’m not skeevy, creepy, or some would-be obsessive. She’s not worth the time; I’m just a stupid guy that liked a more idiotic girl.

Some falsehoods should be lying in the dirt, that doesn’t mean you have to dig each one up and the ones that you do, you expose, no more skeletons will find a home in my closet. No more masks either, as I ponder which one to wear today because I know the truth don’t I, People Lie, Don’t Stand There.
“Truth is singular. Its “versions” are mistruths.” Cloud Atlas (2012)

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 267 ~We’re Canceling The Apocalypse~

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Every day is an opportunity to change and every day the world might end, but I think I’m too scared to do one and strangely enough, I think I might find a way to deal with the other one if the time comes. We’re Canceling The Apocalypse

Sunday, March 25, 2018

Lesson 267 ~We’re Canceling The Apocalypse~

To Will:
I Am Not Fine Today, but I will not die today either, you think maybe tomorrow and why, perhaps because you’re out of drugs, you know you’ll find yourself in the same place just later, and probably it’s just because you have survived worst. Isn’t that what life is, half the time people saying if you want something, “go get it,” and the other half “if it’s meant to be it will be.”

It could be a little of both you know; you walk through the fire of the next horror only to get through and wait for the next thing that is rarely good or maybe the truth is you’re running like something out of The Langoliers. How about Happy Death Day, possibly, if every day remains the same that would explain so much, you’re hurting, and it takes more time to recover because you die a little more each day but don’t we all. You might be trying to avoid what dreams may come; I know I’m honestly on a movie kick instead of music but while we are here making a list, six impossible things:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 008 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
Completed (Day 015 No Fap)
2. I Will Be The Friend My Dog Deserves
Completed
3. I Will Finish Reading “Galahad Suns”
Failed
4. I Will Get Ready For Camp NaNoWriMo
Completed
5. I Will Finish My Tomb Raider Review
Completer
6. I Will Stay Gainfully Employed
Completed

Do you see how close you are in finding full completion but you don’t have to be afraid, this isn’t your bucket list this is merely showing that the world didn’t end and that as much as you wish it would there is a way? You know the rule “Rule 158 I’m Will, There’s A Way” and even if you’re not “high” like you were today, what are the odds that you won’t survive tomorrow, live every day as if it were your last am I right? “We can’t all be like that English tart you’ll be talking to tomorrow, “Everyday Will Be Like A Holiday” and such, that truly would be some makeshift apocalypse; “Knowing Hell You Fear Heaven,” did I hear a rule?

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 015 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
2. I Will Be The Friend My Dog Deserves
3. I Will Survive Inventory Tomorrow
4. I Will Finish Reading “Galahad Suns”
5. I Will Review Pacific Rim: Uprising
6. I Will “Get Out” Of This House Once

What’s the worst that can happen if I ever complete these six impossible things, you know what is impossible finally eating before work and not getting sick but it happened; how about making it without going to the store until Thursday, you’ll see. Did you see Talia Lin Pepke in the store today, probably not but would the world have ended if you tried talking to her, opportunity tsk, tsk.

The world is ready for a difference, are you craving a change, and if you complete these six impossible things somehow, what’s next “The Twelve Labors of Hercules” sometimes you think bring it on and others We’re Canceling The Apocalypse.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 266 ~Thou Doth Protest Too~

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I’m starting with the man in the mirror but usually, that’s a discussion for another time, today people all of the U.S.A. are trying to hold that mirror up to the country while I just lie here, my body protesting life. Thou Doth Protest Too

Saturday, March 24, 2018

Lesson 266 ~Thou Doth Protest Too~

Hey Lady Lu,
I Am Not Fine Today or at least that’s what my body tells me; to be sure I had so many plans today but I stayed in bed just down for the count and my mind was playing tricks on me. Am I going to be all creative now and mention music or going to see Pacific Rim: Uprising, you’re probably the second person I can talk to about that film honestly.

Too bad the silent treatment isn’t exactly welcomed at work, as it would even matter, to anyone, too many people speaking for me anyway and how can I resist; I know it sounds pretty in song form, but that’s what I have been thinking about lately. Later on today people will be protesting against what’s wrong with this country, and there is a small bit of me that would like to join them. Not trying to sound suicidal but my body is protesting life itself, and that shows that things need to change if I would only just get up.

When did I turn all political, I know things can be better Lady Luna and it is scary to think that they can’t be and then I get angry because I know, I can do this, emphasis on DO but honestly what do I want to protest? Hell haven’t I tried, did I tell you what happened at work, that my First Amendment rights don’t exist, for the moment I still have my job. Again there is fear that everything would fall apart for me if I fought back but isn’t it already, trying to keep those with oh so fragile egos together, think Meg from “Family Guy” just saying.

There’s also so much to fight for, too much, every day there are petitions, animals in need crimes being committed and I want to help, but I was looking at my budget the other day, besides what little pleasures I allow, McDonald’s trip, a movie. Now, how about Starbucks, just enough to buy a small drink to soothe my conscience and anxiety to sit in a coffeehouse and hope for something that may never be.

Resist is what I have learned today, okay one more song “Man In The Mirror” Lady Luna how often have I told you about that line in Schindler’s List, “save a life and save the world entire” and that’s what these kids are doing, fighting to save their lives. I lied, the last song Pray For Me “You need a hero, look in the mirror, there go your hero” so if I want to save myself, Thou Doth Protest Too.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 265 ~The Keyword Is Working~

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Turn her or in this case them, into literature; I’m always writing about the ladies or to the ladies, and my latest story is headed in that direction too but is that what it takes to get me to write? The Keyword Is Working, writing, doing.

Friday, March 23, 2018

Lesson 265 ~The Keyword Is Working~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I Am Not Fine Today is something I can’t say at my day job of course but speaking of things I can’t utter or do at one position, how about talking about my career as a budding writer; yeah I’m still in the dirt. My next story is going to be plenty dirty as well, not that I have anything to worry about like people seeing it but consider this a business lunch Lady Sophia, another one of those six impossible things.

What I mean is I’m thinking about the story I’m going to write for Camp NaNoWriMo in April, hell I made it in November, and that’s another novel I should be thinking about come this year but one step at a time. Why do I feel the need to put myself in all of my stories and if I’m going to be in a story how about some nonfiction, besides this, “March For Our Lives” is tomorrow and I could take part but the best thing I got going is a trip to Starbucks. I’m still pining away for a love story that starts in a coffeehouse but who wants to say they met someone in a strip club honestly.

Anyway, onto the facts, the current idea running through my head is about a hitman who makes his targets sin, so he has a valid excuse to kill them; oh, and should I mention his victims are female. Don’t ask me where the idea came from though it does bring to mind a song here or there “T.N.T” from AC/DC, “Move Bitch” from Ludacris feat. I-20, Mystikal, and “Butcher Pete” from Roy Brown. Don’t worry I’m not going to spoil it for you Lady Sophia or myself for that matter. One because I’m not sure where I’m going with it yet and two I feel I have spoiled myself enough, avoiding Pacific Rim: Uprising and Unsane spoilers but diving headfirst into The Walking Dead, what was I thinking my Lady.

As far as ladies for my current project; I feel like Ethan Cole from “The Director” by Lily White. So ladies, Fiona Belli from “Haunting Ground” and Ashley Graham “Resident Evil,” Haley Pullos, Claire Abbott, along with Christina Lucci (Model), I might add some more. I know I do not sound original, being honest… at least I didn’t say zombies but now when I think about it; no I’m working seriously The Keyword Is Working.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 260 ~Bring On The Trades~

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How much is it all worth, how much are you, maybe I should get a price tag tattoo, so people will stop thinking of me as one colossal clearance, no a crown wears more than any mask I believe. Bring On The Trades, because I might be ready to carry it.

Sunday, March 18, 2018

Lesson 260 ~Bring On The Trades~

To Will:
I Am Not Fine Today, well that’s different from my usual I Am Not Afraid Anymore so why not trade a lie for the truth; because the truth will set you free but that doesn’t mean this nonfiction is free, not even here. Our conversations are perhaps the only place where I can say these words, “this is life,” “another day,” “this sucks,” “Is there anywhere else,” and much more; the world wants you to be a bargain, don’t be, you hear me?

“You Won’t Be Anyone’s Bargain,” that will be going in the rulebook or whatever you choose to call it one day. You sell yourself too cheap, and yes this is your fault because you just want to be taken and you’re just too much, too “EXTRA” as the kids say these days. It also takes more muscles to frown, than to smile but you can bear that load, and maybe you will trade it in but why do people insist on stealing; your general manager just wants to take everything, just like your father, just like everyone. You know why that is; because a crown weighs more than a mask; is that yet another rule? Speaking of trades you must make, what about those six impossible things, anything you feel like trading for once today:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 01 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
Completed (Day 08 No Fap)
2. I Will Work On The Submissive’s Closet But Buy Nothing (Budget?)
Partial Completion, No New Clothes But Overbudget (Tomb Raider on Friday)
3. I Will Post Two Reviews On My Blog
Failed
4. I Will Spend No More Than Eight Hours In Bed
Failed
5. I Will Spend No More Than Eight Hours On My Laptop
Failed
6. I Will Be The Friend My Dog Deserves
Failed

When will you trade failure for success but already you’re doing, yes do you will, as though you could ever be as wise as Master Yoda, or as Ben Franklin said early to bed, and to rise; at least you have that rise part down at the moment. It was 4:25 AM when we started talking which isn’t a big deal considering how often you sell your soul for $10.40 an hour; why not sell your tears for sweat and make every drop of blood worth a damn. How can you, that’s what you’re asking yourself when you can’t even do these six impossible things:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 08 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
2. I Will Be The Friend My Dog Deserves
3. I Will Finish Reading “Galahad Suns”
4. I Will Get Ready For Camp NaNoWriMo
5. I Will Finish My Tomb Raider Review
6. I Will Stay Gainfully Employed

It’s just so damn hard you know, keeping those two cents in your pocket and then be asked a penny for your thoughts when they are worth a dollar; yeah the music helps thank you RayBLK and The Band Perry. Trade But Don’t Betray Yourself, the last rule for today which sounds a bit like don’t sell out, but didn’t I say everyone has a price, somewhere don’t you think.

Just think about it like you’re writing your book, you take people and trade one name for another, why can’t you do the same Will, so Bring On The Trades.

I Will Have No Fear