Tag: Life

Episode 029 ~A Sword Or Shovel, Decide~

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I suppose if my mouth is full of dirt I don’t have to make a more drastic decision but kings both require swords and shovels if no shields are available and don’t they say the pen is mightier but I’m digging my grave. “A Sword Or Shovel, Decide”

Monday, July 30, 2018

Episode 029 ~A Sword Or Shovel, Decide~

Forty-Third Rule Madam Justice

Give Me One Reason to, when they both do the same job, putting people in the ground; the metal is more or less the same and usually, those that wield them don’t have to care one way or the other Madam Justice. Indeed, sometimes those hands would be better off doing nothing, but in the end, we all have a choice to make and the fact that I’m still on my motivation kick what guides this decision, is it hope or fear, want or need, will this make me a better man or much worse.

“Those without swords can still die upon them. I fear neither death nor pain.” Eowyn

My “Father” is angry, he has been for as long as I can remember and he brags that I’m just like him, strangely enough, nobody knows I exist, probably because I was among his first victims. How many times am I reminded of Yoda’s words on fear and anger, my father uses rage to mask his fear, and I am much the same, and that fact alone is enough to tell me that I am on the wrong path. At the same time however it is always better to be the predator than the prey, I would choose my rage over fear, and here I am with a pen/keyboard so why would I even need a sword when my words are my Weapon of Choice.

“Chains have been forged into swords before now” Rameses, Yul Brynner The Ten Commandments 1956

Speaking of repeating myself, I have told you I will hurt myself before somebody else and I feel like the world is on my shoulders, and sometimes all you can do is stand, but I’m still falling into the muck and mire. I would like to believe in Karma meaning I’m only getting what I think I deserve or maybe that my enemies will do themselves in and all that I need to do is get digging *sigh* even in death I’m being drained of my precious Energy. How about this, if anything you know how I like getting dirty, sex and violence and while violence is far more acceptable This Is America after all I prefer sex, but people don’t dig that you know.

Today while unfortunate, I chose the sword because I don’t dig being laughed at, spit on, or cut down and at the same time I could always bury my head in the sand, make my name mud, and go all “Red Dawn” Wolverines. It’s unavoidable Madam Justice because you know what they say about idle hands; another reason I choose to write, the choice remains, A Sword Or Shovel, Decide.

“This is war. So rub some dirt on it and get your ass back in the fight.” Red Dawn 2012

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 028 ~Will Blank For Blank~

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I don’t beg, my knees if anything testify to that; do you hear that creak and crack that’s from working, and the thing is I know I need to do so much more of that if I’m ever going to get somewhere. Will Blank For Blank.

Sunday, July 29, 2018

Episode 028 ~Will Blank For Blank~

To Will:
Give Me One Reason and I mean other than Detroit: Become Human, it’s been a minute since either of us has mentioned that and what are we doing to get it though, well your week is only just beginning. I can’t say I’ve done much sadly, will work for food and what not, I also fell back into sleeping most of the night and still waking up exhausted which makes me proud of you, though yeah, you got up to cook, getting yourself on track for this week.

It’s hard doing anything for yourself isn’t it, The Walking Dead has become your life literally between my playing the game last week and how you feel this morning, not truly living each moment but existing nevertheless. I lost all of “M Anime’s” messages, made promises to “Indiana Gone” for her impending nuptials, and when’s the last time I talked to “Cherry” you would think that I would have gotten some work done. What is it those motivational speeches keep saying, find your purpose, you must know and feel why, and you’ve found both by being where you are right now, and the dog under the table and yet those six impossible things eluded me:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
Completed, (Day 008 No Fap)
2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
Failed, Bath
3. I Will Tell Off “Zibby” If She Calls Me Out My Name (Liberal Arts)
Failed (Have You Seen Her)
4. I Will Not Get Fired
Completed
5. I Will Post A Review For “Legacy of Succession” Anna Edwards
Failed
6. I Will Add 1,500 Words To “Apocalypse Rush” (54,000 Words)
Failed

Worse than 50% but we know what we can take off the list now only to replace them with harder goals, and while you think you have to get selfish I know you won’t do that because as Negan puts it, people are a resource. You know you were made to be a writer, you wouldn’t be sitting here otherwise, your little boy is counting on you, and why would you bother getting yourself pumped every day, driving to the library today? It’s hard trying not to sound like one of those speeches so okay what’s your purpose for this week, your six impossible things:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 008 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
3. I Will Tell Off Anyone That Calls Me Out My Name
4. I Will Make It To The Library Five Days Minimum
5. I Will Post A Review For “Legacy of Succession” Anna Edwards
6. I Will Edit Three Chapters of “Apocalypse Rush”

We’re always on the cusp you know, I don’t want to scare you, but okay speech time, turn should do to must do, this is your Plan A and there honestly is no Plan B, well not until you get a girl, and that’s a whole other story entirely but someone worth considering always. You do this because you don’t want to be the one holding up a sign, no that’s for your fans, that’s for the people you might help someday, your two hands have a real gift, your brain can think of so much more than this my friend, Will Blank For Blank.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 026 ~The Will To Escape~

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Last week around this same time I was celebrating my escape from the norm, and today I feel as though I’m institutionalized wanting to get back into my story and at the same time committing the crime of doing everything else. The Will To Escape.

Friday, July 27, 2018

Episode 026 ~The Will To Escape~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Give Me One Reason to stay here as the song goes, maybe it’s the fact that people know they’re supposed to be quiet, unlike the movies I can get a good eight hours in, instead of a brief respite, or maybe it’s the fact that the library is becoming my gym. The sad part is today, I’ve been here since nearly ten, and I’ve used everything I can to avoid doing any real writing (Emails); for the second day in a row I’ve woken up early and fallen back asleep and why?

No excuses Lady Sophia, I’m tired, maybe I’m mad as Hell, and it’s not as if I don’t want to do this, I wouldn’t be here otherwise, and it could be plenty of other things to be sure, but the thing is I want to escape. Yesterday I was at the store, and when I was getting out of my car, this group of black teenagers was walking by, and they burst out laughing at me, and for a split second, I was that loser I once was back in school. The thing is I raised my head up, I didn’t run, put up my hoody, plug in my earphones or anything I kept walking and was pretty damn anxious to fight, but I wanted to, I should have… NO?

How many times have I said, I don’t grow, and maybe it’s not because I can’t afford a wardrobe but presumedly because I’ve become used to hiding, to make myself small, keeping my mouth shut to avoid offending anybody but I do that anyway with my writing? It’s people’s fault, as I said, I have my hood, my earphones, books, everything to avoid people but they don’t like the reminder of their insignificance to the rest of us, and this whole world is like a prison. So I resort to solitary confinement, my “white room” in writing which is my escape from the world and now I realize maybe escape isn’t the goal that I’m looking for dear Lady Sophia.

Like yesterday not with the teens but when one of the clerks overcharged me, and I walked back in there and got my money back, I want to bring the damn ruckus, but at this point, I’m empty still; I meant to get a shrimp dinner but settled on a burger. I didn’t want to deal with any more people yesterday, and now today I’m only mad at myself and yes call me a hypocrite because if I’m going to bring the noise to everyone else, I’m Will and truth is The Will To Escape.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 025 ~Go To Hell Will~

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Not as “Hot, Hot, Hot,” as I wanted it to be, but Hell can be a confusing place as they say Hell freezes over and Dante decided to take a tour of the area, and video game Dante *sigh* what women get men into right? Go To Hell Will

Thursday, July 26, 2018

Episode 025 ~Go To Hell Will~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
Give Me One Reason to come up with a more original title; it’s not as familiar as I like and it certainly beats “skeevy,” and I can already hear you groaning here we go but aren’t thoughts of the Bitch another level of Hell? In truth, though as I’ve said before Hell can be a cold place so why is it the way becomes lit by fire the whole path there, and then we all end up getting burned and how do we nurse ourselves again?

“Some women can’t handle the fire. Some can.” Bruce Almighty

Tonight though I don’t want to talk about being alone, instead let’s focus on all of the reasons I’m going to get burned the first being I’m quite shallow, or some would say thirsty. Okay so I’m trying to be less self-deprecating, I’m still on a motivational kick these days, and with what I usually think about myself, I Still Believe there isn’t a body issue to be had. However, admiring a woman’s body is enough to end some, and I can only call someone beautiful for so long and yes there is something to be said for subtlety but fuck me is the ultimate goal when it comes to men and women but sensitive.

Now while I ’m never that crass, I compared the Bitch to a Brazzers pornstar; let’s say I have a woman in bed and one of the first things I learned as a Dominant is you never do so out of anger, Christian Grey was mad at his mother, rage has no place. It’s one of the reasons I enjoy sex so much; think The Screwfly Solution and for the record I’ve never harmed a woman, I hit my sister but I was a child, I was fighting girls when I was in the third grade; anyway sex gets me hot and doesn’t that trump anger? I’ve even talked about this before, how I’m more inclined to cover girls up in pretty outfits or at least in silk and lace binds or their underwear and anything else I would do?

One has to wonder since the Bible does talk about sex is there some method of “making love” that is specifically designed to keep one out of Hell and don’t say marriage because even if I were happily married, I would burn for my wife. Nowadays though my heart is frozen and below the belt, a cold shower might help, but no, I let freezing memories wash over me because well Go To Hell Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 024 ~Sack Up For Life~

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Please, don’t let this be an ending of my motivation; I swear I can give more, I know it doesn’t look like much of a sack, my computer, my words, my life, and where the hell did my balls go? “Sack Up For Life.”

Wednesday, July 25, 2018

Episode 024 ~Sack Up For Life~

Forgive Me Echo,
Give Me One Reason that my life should end up in a bag if anything I suppose it beats a box and I’m still Alive but what exactly am I living for when everything I am can fit in a sack. I’ve heard girls talk about their whole life is in their purse and not that I’m trying to be offensive against women… oh no not me though that brings to mind a whole other sack full of life I’m keeping full.

Unlike the sacks of potato chips and sandwiches I’ve subsisted off of the past few days, food is food, but again I ask the question as to why other than not actively trying to kill myself these days. Well, I am still getting up an hour early for these chats nowadays, I would say I’m standing up for myself at work while sitting down, yeah I might get fired any day now and if it isn’t my boss, where do I say my courage comes from again? Must I go all Yoda with the Fear and Anger but I feel my courage accompanies my rage and those that enrage me so, well I wouldn’t look like much of a man.

Why can’t I sack up when it counts Inspector Echo, I was supposed to go to the library today, but from the look of the time that’s not happening, I can’t grow a pair when it comes to my damn name and of course both of these attribute to not buying lunch today. Why not, because I don’t feel like I deserve it and that’s true, when I start making money when I prove that I can do something, anything, all I did today besides working the day job is hit the sack. As you can attest there are so many to choose from and as they say, think outside the box, I need to think outside the bag but again my whole life is in there except my dog, and he’s my reason, my why I should be doing anything, so why aren’t I?

When most people pack a bag it’s for a few days, but when I do it well I don’t expect to survive, I plan on getting sick, something happening to the car, that I’ll forget something that is crucial. May you forgive me Inspector Echo for choosing to live inside a bag than die in a box, for being offensive yet again and still not having any balls, for filling up everything but myself as I give everything else, I must Sack Up For Life.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 022 ~Things Could Always Be Worse~

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Things are getting better; things are getting better every day. Today wasn’t so bad, but I worry and why; when awful is the norm, but you see the light where the darkness ends it’s the sun, stars for wishes, a train. “Things Could Always Be Worse.”

Monday, July 23, 2018

Episode 022 ~Things Could Always Be Worse~

Forty-Second Rule Madam Justice

Give Me One Reason things could always be worse, from fighting so hard to have a voice and then not liking what you have to say, to deciding you’re going to stand up but having nothing to stand for, from getting up early and not accomplishing anything. I don’t mean with us Madam Justice; I could be enjoying an extra hour of sleep seeing as how the day job awaits but I’d Rather Be With You, do you feel special?

I could be worrying about a million things, but I’m here now, and the world doesn’t feel like it’s falling apart, last night, for example, was worse, customers, the bastard I work for, other employees, I can honestly appreciate changing one mind more than several. According to all of those motivational speeches, you have to believe that the future will be better than the past which I find accurate, so how about my concept that the world will end in the next five minutes, to think an apocalypse is better than now? How about the fact that I have no clue what the day job will bring, good thing I’m talking to you now because who knows the state I will come back in, Angry, Bothered, Confused, A, B, C.

I heard in a movie once that things are getting better every day, a simple idea but again motivational speaking, don’t say failure but “success in progress” instead of things getting worse hold on to what’s getting better. Start each day feeling grateful, and I am, I was able to eat a muffin and drink some water, my version of breakfast but it beats going in empty, we might finish this chat, and I get tomorrow off, meaning time to write. The sad thing is I’m still not sure even at this point would I count dead as worse, but there is plenty I want and considering I’m still Alive there’s time to want everything living or want nothing dying, that is a fair question.

Rule Forty-Two is all about being grateful to the moment knowing that things at least in my life find a way of crashing down so enjoy now but don’t be like Angel and gain that moment of perfect happiness because what happens then? At least it means I haven’t sold my soul to Satan yet… or my “father” didn’t destroy it all because we know Things Could Always Be Worse.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 021 ~Far Cry From Human~

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Why do I dream of dystopias and apocalypses, when every day it feels as though the world is ending and every week that I survive I start again only hoping to be better if at all possible but I Am me. “Far Cry From Human”

Sunday, July 15, 2018

Episode 021 ~Far Cry From Human~

To Will:
Give Me One Reason not to panic, because starting today it’s your turn and I’m all panicked out from yesterday, hell remember years ago at Target, that guy almost broke apart on the spot, and it could have been worse. Yes, the jobs can always be worse; Target was a few months, the next post he never went back after one day, the following, fired after three and what do we have now?

I digress, you might tell Inspector Echo all about it, but yesterday I was so sick thinking about what I would have to do that I nearly called out and I ended up putting tags on shoes, but I would like to think all the “motivation” I listened to is why you’re up. You do what you have to do until you can do what you want and like we tell the dog daily “make good decisions,” and the ball is in your court now and there was a time “Omni” wasn’t that bad. Today s brand new and there is always room to approve, I might have fucked it up some but can we Accentuate The Positive and yes you want “Fallout 4” and “Fallout 76” amongst other things, but you’ll have to do better than these Six Impossible Things and me:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
Failed, (Day 001 Again)
2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
Failed, Yard Needs Cutting, Missing Treats, Bath Time
3. I Will Tell Off “Zibby” If She Calls Me Out My Name (Liberal Arts)
Failed, (Have You Seen Her)
4. I Will Not Get Fired
Completed
5. I Will Post A Review For “The First Purge”
Completed
6. I Will Complete “Apocalypse Rush” (50,000 Words)
Completed

50% *sigh* but I completed the novel, and now you have to carry the torch, and no I don’t mean to burn it… you didn’t make the bed this morning but think of everything you have accomplished; you ate healthy to a degree, the dog’s gotten fresh air, his paper changed, etc. If you can handle the small things sooner or later you’ll make it to the big ones and yet you have to dive into the deep end to become a success is what they say. You feel like you’re not making an impact I know and yesterday despite having a good day minus the sickness I was still a coward, but this is your show, Six Impossible Things:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
3. I Will Tell Off “Zibby” If She Calls Me Out My Name (Liberal Arts)
4. I Will Not Get Fired
5. I Will Post A Review For “Legacy of Succession” Anna Edwards
6. I Will Add 1,500 Words To “Apocalypse Rush” (54,000 Words)

The only one of those things beyond your control is Zibby, and here I was about to tell you not to worry, but you will so don’t worry about her, instead worry about where you’re going to put all your new games, giving your son his best life, and keeping yourself awake. This Is Your Life because I Am gone, and I want you to say I Am the proud owner of “Far Cry 5,” “Detroit: Become Human,” “Fallout 4” and more, I Am the father of a happy dog, I Am better than I was yesterday, Will you are a Far Cry From Human.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 019 ~No End Of Kindling~

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I Made It, added more fuel to the fire, one more book down and even an additional chapter and the feeling I have now… it doesn’t compare to the humiliation I’ll endure tomorrow. Honestly, I would rather have people read my novel. “No End Of Kindling”

Friday, July 20, 2018

Episode 019 ~No End Of Kindling~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Give Me One Reason to take a break, two words “The End,” that I was looking forward to today and I’ll get there or even worse “To Be Continued” either way it goes, it’s going to take more than 925 words, but as the song says there ain’t no rest for the wicked. I haven’t even gotten close to selecting a new book to read because mine is turning out to be so… that’s the thing I want to say no words, but there are too many.

Not now, nor have I ever been one for the burning of books, well except for mine, again it goes into my whole, hurting myself before I hurt others mentality, you too Lady Sophia, the reason I’m talking to you so early. It’s not procrastination; it’s the fact that the last words of my book should happen when I’m up and about, not lying in bed, people deserve me at my best… did you hear me right? Something that shall never see the light of day which is why I spend eight to ten hours locked up in the library, talk about something I love and then the only thing I want to do with my novel is set it alight to keep myself warm, beats the day job always.

Tomorrow I expect I’ll be writing about my humiliations rather than writing something that is humiliating, one more reason I have to bury myself in fiction because the truth hurts plenty and nobody wants to know about that. One more novel that took me a year to write and here we are Lady Sophia, about three weeks into this year and like any one of my fictional books is this looking any better, but for now, there are plenty of words left with no sign of The End. A good story brings its writer back to life or more to the point, makes a writer immortal and with the love of readers warms for many a black night, I believe.

When it comes to my work though; I know I shouldn’t be so negative, if it gives me money to burn, and that will be over all too soon but my novel or novels, how did I not know I was writing a series, and the ideas keep on coming to be honest. So when people are lighting those torches, looking for things to throw onto my pyre, at the end of the day, not that of the story, they’ll be No End of Kindling.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 018 ~Do You Lust Me~

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I always feel like, somebody’s watching me as the song goes and I wonder what they’re doing because I doubt it’s anything sexy and even if they loved me, would they admit to something like this? Do You Lust me?

Thursday, July 19, 2018

Episode 018 ~Do You Lust Me~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
Give Me One Reason to be a sex symbol other than the entire world going blind; how I’ve found myself in the mirror plenty for a couple of days and Saturday all I can see is fear, and it’s cuter than me, dammit. When I was a teenager there was this girl that sat with me at lunch, we rarely talked, and I can’t say I was attracted to her in the slightest, but my ‘father” asks how did I know how she sees me and yeah I don’t know honestly.

I’ve known maybe one girl in two years possibly who openly told me that she wanted to fuck me and you want to know how does it feel for me to hear that, honestly they should bottle such an emotion. On the other hand, I honestly need to know when to shut the fuck up, playing games with another girl, and I got her and her giggly friend to look me up on Facebook, and that’s all she wrote there. Let’s call her Zibby to my Jesse, the same girl that got me going but no I haven’t told her off yet Dirty Diana, that’s one fear I haven’t had to face as of yet, and the thing is what if I’m still 100% clueless?

Lost Without U, I’ve said some stupid things to girls to be quite honest, and we still remember the bitch who I haven’t looked up at all this year; I’ve never tracked people down, or hidden in dumpsters. Okay this is more of a conversation for Inspector Echo, and I’ve probably already had it, and with you too, the desire to have some girl go all “Taylor Townsend” on my ass, You Don’t Know My Name, I’d even take Amber from “Kill Theory.” A dominant I am but to have the girl chase the monster and then when she finally finds me, we’ll see how badly she wants to play, but that Dirty Diana is a dream, however with my book… who knows, could happen.

One woman looked me up on Whisper and as soon as she saw my face; it’s hard to have body issues when people never get past the mask, and yeah women have some problems with men but if some woman came after me? Not in a psychotic, I want to kill you sort of way, more like U Got It Bad, how North looks at Markus (thank you Detroit: Become Human) way *sigh* asking the obvious, Do You Lust Me.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 017 ~Fires of Mt. Motivation~

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If I were asked this moment what inspired a year’s worth of writing, nearly four books, buying space for a blog, fighting like Hell to keep it and more, find a person that makes your blood boil and then get it out of you. Fires of Mt. Motivation

Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Episode 017 ~Fires of Mt. Motivation~

Forgive Me Echo,
Give me one reason other than fear; I have believed for the longest time that if fear is all you have to get someone to see your point of view, then you don’t have much to offer; the fires of Hell won’t scare me into the light of Heaven. Now I’ve been all about flames and the Devil these days, but no one has given me any reason why I should want to go to Heaven when my idea of paradise is what’s going to get me into Hell without a doubt.

What’s “interesting” (how I hate that word) is the fact that the concept of FEAR is cold; one more reason why I’m always in my hoodies, and it’s Summertime, honestly do you know how long it took me to show up in my trunks at the pool? When I was learning how to swim, and I never did, all I remember is the cold and at the same time when I wasn’t afraid I couldn’t get enough of the water, the pool, the lake, I’m not going back to my brief stint in the Navy. Where’s the motivation then, is it merely my desire to escape the cold, you know the ninth circle of Hell is that of Treachery and these past few days, despite waking up an hour early, writing, coming to the library I feel, “success in progress.”

Okay, more to the point FAILURE like last night and this afternoon so what drove me to come out today; first and foremost, my desire, talk about setting your feet to the fire whether it be for material possession, the fact that I looked up the word “Quadrillion.” Finishing my latest novel, and as always women, which leads me to humiliation, that sort of heat puts fire in my fingertips, and still, I bury myself in blankets and Puppy Love but haven’t I said once where my courage comes into play. Anger, that’s what I feel when I’m at work, and I’m thinking I should be writing, how about when I woke up this afternoon, and I was pissed because it was one, and I finished that Spotify Motivational playlist.

Still, I couldn’t get here sooner, I’m motivated, don’t get me wrong, tomorrow I’ll wake up and write seven hundred words, I’ll come to the library, and I will write another five thousand words. So why do I need forgiveness, forgive me for learning how to accept the cold, for not yet trying hard enough to escape it, for all my hellish desires, my fear of humiliation, the anger I have, Fires of Mt. Motivation.

I Will Have No Fear